The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s04e09 Episode Script

Family, I have an announcement.
Listen, Playboy is doing a pictorial on the prettiest weather girls from coast to coast.
They're gonna call it "Warm Fronts.
" And they want me to be in it.
Absolutely not.
But don't you even wanna hear what I have to say about it? You heard our father: No! Carlton, what do you care? Look, I will not be publicly embarrassed by a potential scandal.
Now, now, don't get your Underoos in a knot, stumpy.
Hilary knows what she's doing.
- Wait a minute, I haven't even decided - Quiet, Hilary.
Work with me here, Hil.
I can see it now: Long afternoons kicking back on a chaise longue watching full-body contact volleyball up at Hef's place.
Hilary, as long as you live in my house, you will abide by my rules.
- And that goes for the rest of you.
- That's telling us, Dad.
Wait.
I am 24 years old, and I can make my own decisions.
Besides Mom said it was okay.
Oh, yeah? Vivian! So you said your daughter could pose in Playboy, huh? No.
I said I didn't like the idea.
But I also said she's a grown woman, and it's her choice.
No daughter of mine is posing in that kind of magazine, period.
You do this to me all the time, Daddy.
I have a mind of my own, and opinions and you never let me express them and What were we talking about? Hil, I think you were in the process of storming out of here.
Thanks, Will.
So, what do you think? Look like you got hat-jacked by Woody Woodpecker.
These are the new booster hats.
Help me set up a display.
Sure thing, boss lady.
Oh, Jackie, check it out.
Hypothetical situation: Let's just say, like, a famous men's magazine asked you to pose with nothing but that stupid hat on.
Would you do it? No way, I don't want just anybody looking at this body.
Has it changed since we used to play doctor? - Stop it.
- See, you have beautiful teeth.
I didn't even know you had those.
That was fun.
Imagine how much more fun it would be if we was both naked.
Will, you just hit on me from force of habit.
Now, if you really wanna go out with me why not step to me like a man? Well, okay.
So Jacqueline I wonder if you'd do me the honor of having dinner with me.
Okay.
"Okay"? "Okay" is all right if I offered you a government cheese sandwich but I'm offering you a buffet of love, child.
Take it easy, homey.
I mean, you asked like a gentleman.
If you keep acting like a gentleman maybe we can get somewhere.
Somewhere that we could talk lying down? - Will! - All right, Jackie, I'm sorry.
A temporary cool breakdown.
I'm back now.
Look, so when is good for you? I don't know.
I was thinking about this afternoon leading into the evening.
You know what the evening leads I'm sorry, I need to have that treated.
- I'm sorry.
- I'll call you later.
Come without the stupid hat, okay? Hey, girl, I was Would you stop it! Stop, stop, stop.
Hilary, are you really going to pose in that magazine? - Why? Does it bother you? - A little.
I don't even like to get undressed in gym class.
Ashley, your body is going through some changes and they may seem awkward and embarrassing but I promise you, it's completely normal.
And the discomfort, it's only temporary.
I know.
I look great naked.
It's just that I don't like a bunch of gooney people staring at me.
Oh, you get used to it.
I guess I could kiss heaven goodbye because it got to be a sin to look this good.
You've been playing tennis with the gardener again, haven't you? You do look great, Will.
Thanks a lot, Hil.
You can help me out.
I need a name of a smoking place to take a date.
Sure, we can talk about it on the way to the party.
- I'm gonna go get dressed.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What party? Well, isn't that why you're all dressed up? Oh, did I forget to tell you? I think you're still in the process of forgetting.
Playboy called.
They're having a pool party at the Mansion to kick off the weather girl shoot.
And? And since you stood up for me with Daddy, I'm taking you.
Yes, I knew that.
Let me tell you, you're the best cousin a brother ever had.
I'm going to the Playboy Mansion.
Well, hello, Hef.
Oh, pshaw.
Don't be silly.
I'm glad I could come.
Oh, Miss December.
Oh, baby, I was gonna call you.
Come here, girl.
Excuse me, Master William if you can tear yourself away from your imaginary friend a Miss Jacqueline's on the phone.
I forgot all about Jackie.
Look, G.
G, G If you had to decide between going on a date with a girl you care about and going to the Playboy Mansion, which would it be? The fact you're even asking, Master William tells me that you really care about the lady.
- I guess I do.
- Admirable.
Tell me, might this young lady have a terminal illness? No, G, of course not.
Then may I point out, she'll still be here tomorrow.
Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
I'm sick.
No, no, no, don't come over.
Because, you know, I could be catchy.
Well, you know, I guess I'll just have to talk to you tomorrow? Bye.
So when do we leave for the Mansion? Oh, they don't need you, G.
They're fully staffed.
Either that is one tight dress or a really good paint job.
- Come on, let's go.
- Wait a minute, Will.
- I think I'm having second thoughts.
- What do you mean? I don't know if doing the layout is worth having Daddy hate me the rest of my life.
No, no, no, it's only the rest of his life.
After them pictures come out, how much longer could he have? - Will.
- I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking.
- I thought you wanted to do the pictures.
- Well, I do.
I'm saying you can't just let your pop be pushing you around all the time.
It would be so much easier if only he liked Playboy.
Liked it? He's got issues in his bathroom from, like, 1964.
Come on, just don't worry about it.
Let's just go to the party.
Freeze! Oh, look, the Little Republican Store must've opened.
Good joke, Will.
I'll laugh on the way to the party.
Whoa, teeny.
What makes you think you're going to the party? I'm not gonna miss out on Princeton because she wants to expose her weather balloons.
Carlton, I think Geoffrey's baking cookies.
Oh, no, you don't.
Look, I'm gonna talk to Mr.
Hefner and put a stop to this.
My voice will be heard.
You must take me with you.
Sure.
- How can you let him come with us? - Trust me, he ain't gonna say nothing.
Well, how can you be so sure? Boy gets hot and bothered talking to average-looking girls.
Five minutes at the Mansion, he's gonna go into meltdown.
I can't believe it, girl.
Yo, it's just like the magazine.
Except the girls ain't got folds in the middle and jokes on their back.
Carlton, stand up.
You're drooling on my pumps.
Come on, you guys.
My legs are like rubber.
Yeah, and your head is like a peanut.
What was it you wanted to say to Mr.
Hefner? I want to tell him how much I love this place.
Hey, look at that swimming pool.
I have never seen so many people in one place I wanted to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to.
Breathing okay? - Hey, Hugh.
- Will, why are you shouting at me? - I'm right next to you.
- Not you.
Hugh.
- You who? - Stop yodeling.
Hugh Hefner.
- Excuse me.
- Hey, Mr.
Hefner, what an honor.
I'm Will Smith.
This is my cousin Hilary.
Oh, a pleasure.
Hilary Banks.
I'm glad you could make it.
Let me show you around.
- Oh, I'd be honored.
- Relax, guys.
Have some fun.
There are suits in the bathhouse.
Yeah.
You def, Hef.
Why didn't you introduce me? Hey, Carlton, I gotta be honest, man, I forgot you was even here.
Oh, that's just great.
Hey, Will, isn't that Jazz? Jazz, what are you doing here? I'm on the list.
They think I'm the black dude from Mod Squad.
Would you like to have dinner with the children? - Yes, that would be nice, Geoffrey.
- Too bad.
They're not here.
Then why did you bring it up? If you don't care where your children are, sir, neither do I.
Okay, where are they? Sir I could never betray their confidence.
They're at the Playboy Mansion.
All except young Ashley.
She's upstairs with her boyfriend.
- That one's on the house.
- Vivian! Vivian! Vivian! Oh, Philip, did you call me? - Do you know where your children are? - Sure, they're at the Playboy Mansion.
How come you knew that and I didn't? - Because they talk to me.
- Why don't they talk to me? Because you don't listen.
Every time So, baby, what you doing after the party? Actually, I'll be in surgery.
Looks like everything on that body is in working order.
I'll be performing surgery.
I'm a doctor.
Well, doc, you can check me out anytime, trust me.
I'm a cardiologist.
You need a pediatrician.
Miss March, right? I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.
Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me.
Turn-ons: Fast cars, shrimp bouillabaisse and Indian quilts, right? Very impressive.
- Now, do you remember my turnoffs? - Do I? Hairy backs, smokers and abrasive young men who don't know when to shut up.
Bingo.
Girl, what would it take for a guy like me to get next to a girl like you? Five years and six figures.
Thank you very much.
So tell me about yourself.
I have a boyfriend who plays on the Lakers.
I suppose your boyfriend's a tackle for the Rams, huh? No, the Raiders.
Get away from me.
Hey, Will.
Hey, this place is great.
I've got two numbers and if I play my cards right, I think she'll give me the other five.
I don't think I'm gonna hang around to find out.
Being here helped me realize how important Jackie Bunny hop! really is to me.
- What do you think you're doing? - The bunny hop.
Where's your sister? She went to Malibu with the weather girls to have their pictures taken.
Go wait in the car, Carlton.
But I was just gonna go talk to Mr.
Hefner about Hilary Go get in the car, Carlton.
I really wanna thank you for taking the time to talk to me, Mr.
Hefner.
Well, it's always a pleasure to talk to a long-time subscriber.
My man, Linc.
I wanna cut right to the chase here.
It's about my daughter posing for your magazine.
I mean, well, how would you feel if your daughter got involved in this whole world? Well, my daughter is involved in this whole world.
She runs the Playboy empire.
Okay, let's try this a different way.
Well, look, suppose somebody that you really care about like your wife, suppose she decided to pose? Well, my wife was the Playmate of the Year and I'm very proud of her.
Don't you understand there are some parents who are not comfortable with their daughters being stared at by millions of people? I understand where you're coming from.
Look, over the years, I've had to deal with a lot of parents.
You seem like a good man.
Let me put it this way: I promise you, the pictures will be tasteful.
Tasteful? Oh, yeah, right.
I know what that means.
Well, thank you very much.
Jackie, you're here.
Will, I thought you were sick.
Oh, yeah, I was.
You know, I At least I thought I was.
You know, actually, I had an allergic reaction to bunnies.
So, say, what's up with that date? I'm sorry, Will, but when you cancelled on me, I made plans to go to the movies.
Cool.
Just call up your little girlfriend and break them.
My " little girlfriend" is 6'2" with a mustache.
What kind of monster are you? A man is laying up in his deathbed, and you go stepping out on him? Hey, Will, you and me ain't all that.
Okay, okay, okay.
What are you doing after the movies? I think that's between me and Tony.
- Okay, how about tomorrow night? - I got basketball practice.
- Cool.
I'll watch.
- You can't.
You're working.
Mike called in sick.
He probably has what you thought you did.
- Okay, next Saturday night? - Bachelorette party.
- Christmas? - I'm going home to Philly.
Then New Year's Eve? Groundhog Day? Cinco de Mayo? Rosh Hashanah? - I hope you're proud of yourself, Vivian.
- What did I do? Your daughter is somewhere in Malibu stark naked.
What are you talking about? She went and posed for Playboy, and you encouraged her.
I did no such thing.
When I talked to her, she hadn't made up her mind yet.
If anything pushed her over the edge it was your usual "do it my way or else" charm.
Don't you start with me, Vivian.
No matter what I did, she's my daughter.
A daughter should obey her father.
In that case, I never would've married you.
Oh, that was different.
Your father had it in for me.
What was it again he didn't like about me? It was a tie between your family and your temper.
Well, I'll tell you one thing, I sure don't miss him.
God rest his soul.
Sweetheart, listen.
Sometimes a parent has to step back and let their child find their own way.
I'll be upstairs.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
Daddy, I'm sorry, but I've already had my pictures taken.
- It's all right.
- It was my choice and It's all right? You're not a child anymore.
You're a beautiful woman.
Beautiful enough for Playboy to ask and woman enough to make your own decisions.
No matter what, I still love you.
Oh, Daddy.
So when are your pictures coming out? They said in about two months.
You understand, of course, I can't be here when they do.
Enter.
It's arrived, Uncle Phil.
I don't wanna see them.
It came in the mail today with a personal letter from Mr.
Hefner.
He thinks you should take a look at it.
So do I.
You can forget it, because I'm Oh, all right.
Look at that.
She's covered up.
Hallelujah, she's covered up! But this little girl is not.
- Hallelujah.
- Hallelujah.
You heard our father: No! Carlton, what do you care? Look, I will not be publicly embarrassed by a problem of delivering my damn lines.
It won't happen, damn it.
It ain't gonna happen.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
- I'm not gonna allow it.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
- It's over! It's all right, man! - Let it go, man.
- It's over.
- It's okay.
- All right.