The Neighborhood (2018) s04e09 Episode Script

1 Dave, what are we doing in this ritzy store? Smells like trust funds and white-collar crime in here.
I know, but I need some new shirts for work, and Haberdashery L.
A.
is the hot new place.
They say it's for the modern, yet classic gentleman.
Then what are you doing here? Calvin, what about this? I love the story that hat is telling on you.
I saw the price of that.
Is the moral of the story bankruptcy? (LAUGHS) Oh, I like this guy.
Would you two care for some complimentary small-batch bourbon while you shop? I like this guy.
Complimentary is my favorite brand.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
(SNIFFS) Ooh, oaky, yet peppery.
Am I sensing some notes of burnt caramel? Dave, I would take you more seriously if I didn't see you drinking a box of chocolate milk this morning.
You know what would look amazing on you? This jacket.
- Ooh! That is a nice jacket.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, you know what? Calvin, you should try that on.
Is it complimentary to try on? As long as you stay in the store.
(CHUCKLES) Hey.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Yeah, that's nice right there.
- All right.
Now that's how that jacket was made to be worn.
(CHUCKLES) You know, it might be the bourbon talking, but, uh, I believe you.
(CHUCKLES) Whew.
Calvin, you know what? You should get it.
I mean, I do need a jacket, right? Yeah.
And it's on sale for only $800.
Man, this is L.
A.
Don't nobody need a jacket.
Well, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Calvin, don't take it off.
That jacket's so sharp, you might cut yourself.
Aw, yeah, man.
- I do look fly, though, right? - Yeah.
I don't know, Dave, I just can't justify spending $800 for a jacket.
If it makes you feel better, it's actually $799.
99.
So, you saying 700 and some change? Mm-hmm.
Well, I can justify that.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
I mean, look, I can wear this to so many different special occasions.
The Met Gala, all right.
Pop it up like this, BET Awards.
(LAUGHS) And right here, double date with Barack and Michelle.
But, baby, you don't do any of those things.
Because I never had this jacket.
Well, I think it's very chic, very sexy.
When a piece tells your story, you got to read it, even if it was a lot of money.
Well, Calvin, you know what they say, you can't take it with you.
Well, they lied.
I'm getting buried in this thing.
Well, baby, I'm happy you're finally splurging a little on yourself.
- Yeah.
- (PHONE CHIMING) (GASPS) Dave, Daisy Wasser just texted me back.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
All right.
It's all happening.
Okay, who's Daisy Wasser? My new mom friend.
Her daughter Thatcher's on Grover's soccer team.
Yeah, and her husband, Josh, is a celebrity chef.
Mm-hmm.
He owns a farm-to-table restaurant.
That sounds like food with dirt on it.
That's five-star dirt.
More importantly (SIGHS) we really need parent friends to do all these parent activities with.
Like go to animated movies, kids' birthday parties, and water parks.
Unless you guys are interested? We didn't want to do those things with our own damn kids.
Well, look at us, we're all making new friends.
- (CHUCKLES) - (STAMMERS) Hello? Jay-Z? You're making a new album? Of course.
I would love to pose on the cover in my new jacket.
Oh, hey, man.
Where you coming from? Uh You know, I was out with the (STAMMERS, CLEARS THROAT) Nowhere.
(STAMMERS) Man, what you doing? You left your phone in my car.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks.
I'll see you later, Trey.
Hey, Marty, you would've loved that new Marvel movie.
I'm surprised you didn't go with us.
It was nerds everywhere.
Goodbye, Trey.
(GRUNTS) Get out.
Get the hell out, Trey.
Uh, I thought you said you didn't feel like going to the Marvel movie.
(SIGHS) Look, I'm sorry.
I forgot you wanted to see it, okay? Which is why I put it in our shared calendar.
(SCOFFS) Marty, you know I never check that.
Which is why I put a Post-it on your pillow.
Oh, come on, man.
It's just a movie.
I A superhero movie is not just a movie.
It is an experience.
Well, here's to new parent friends that understand the importance of day drinking.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, Josh, look, I-I don't want to make this weird, but I followed your recipe for homemade beer and would love to know what you think.
Wow.
Wow! (SMACKS LIPS) Is that clove? It is! Yeah, I was hoping you were gonna pick up on that.
Hey, you guys are great hosts.
Why don't you let us return the favor next time? Thatcher and Grover can swim while we hang at the bar in our pool.
You haven't had a margarita until you had a swim-up margarita.
Ooh.
You know, I have been waiting my whole life for someone to say those words to me.
(LAUGHTER) Submit, human! Whoa.
Okay, okay.
All right, hey.
Hey, guys.
Guys.
Hey, hey.
Is everybody okay? We're space pirates.
Aw, I love that you guys are using your imagination.
You're so creative.
And you're so basic.
Stop talking to me like I'm a child.
Thatcher, thanks for giving us your truth, but next time, let's choose kinder words.
Okay.
Will do, Daisy.
(CHUCKLES) Thatcher calls you by your first name? Yes, yes.
We, uh, we listen to a parenting podcast that suggests "mom and dad" causes an imbalance in the power dynamic between parent and child.
- Mm.
Mm.
- GROVER: Stop.
You're hitting too hard.
- THATCHER: I don't care! - Okay.
Yeah, sure.
I guess, uh, there's an argument for empowering kids.
Oh! Sorry.
No need to apologize, kids.
Things are just things.
Don't let it cause any psychic trauma.
Guys, thanks for understanding.
We will pay to replace it.
(PHONE CHIMES) Oh, look at that.
You already Venmo'd me.
Thanks.
We found that allowing Thatcher to discover her own boundaries is really good for her social-emotional portfolio.
Hmm Sometimes boundaries are good, right? You know, like at a museum or around my vase.
Okay, baby, - you ready to go to dinner? - Oh, yeah.
I've been dreaming about Brachetto's chicken parm all day.
(CHUCKLES) Well We're going to a nice restaurant.
Aren't you gonna wear your new jacket? (LAUGHS) Brachetto's is not jacket worthy.
(CHUCKLES) Any place where you can use crayons to color on the table is not that nice.
You're being ridiculous.
You spent all that money on a new jacket, and now you're afraid to wear it? I'm not afraid to wear it.
I just choose not to wear it out in that dirty world full of miscreants and vagabonds.
Okay.
Okay, you know what? We're gonna take this nice and slow, okay? - We're gonna put the jacket on - All right.
Come on, baby, come on.
You got Oh, look at that.
Now we're gonna wear the jacket outside, and then if that goes well, we'll wear it to the car.
- (CHUCKLES) - Good? - No, I get it, I get it.
- You got it? It's nice, you know.
Yeah.
I mean, why was I tripping? - You tripping.
- (CHUCKLING) Come on.
Okay, here we go.
Thank you, baby.
(THUNDER CRASHES) Aw, hell no.
It's raining out there.
God has spoken.
Mm-mm.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV): And that does it for our post-game coverage of the epic battle between the Lakers and the Celtics.
Man, I would've killed to have been at that game.
(LAUGHING, CHEERING) Yeah! Oh, that was, hands down, one of the most fun nights - ever! - Yeah, no joke.
And I've been to Medieval Times.
Hold up.
W-Wait, wait.
You two were at the game? Bro, we were basically in the game.
Marty got us JPL floor seats.
Thank you, science! You, too, Marty.
Wow, really? You know how much I wanted to go to that game.
Oh, and how would I know that? Did you put a Post-it on my pillow? I know what you're trying to do, Marty.
Oh, do you now? Because all I was doing was enjoying a night out with my good friend, Trey.
First of all, Trey is my good friend.
I mean, yeah, but you never got me floor seats to the Laker game.
Well, how about some tacos from the truck on 3rd Street? - Do I get guac? - Yes.
You get guac.
I call dibs on the last Popsicle.
I mean, that swim-up bar was awesome.
You know, Josh did not have to name a margarita after me, but those Dave-aritas really hit the spot.
What a perfect day.
Perfect? Dave, you're wearing my wrap because their obnoxious kid threw your clothes into the pool.
Well, which allowed me - to get a lovely breeze.
- (SCOFFS) Look, Josh and Daisy are great, but their daughter's a nightmare.
She called me "troll toes.
" Which is more of an observation than it is a criticism.
O-Okay, okay, look.
Let's just give them one more chance.
We have so much in common.
You know, Thatcher just keeps us on our troll toes.
Not funny, and besides, she's a bad influence on Grover.
Grover is a great kid.
Thatcher is not gonna turn him.
GEMMA: Oh, sweetie, it's getting late.
Please take a quick shower before bed.
I'll get to it when I get to it, Gemma.
Upstairs, now.
(GROANS) Fine.
Uh Gemma, I think we might want to be mindful of his social-emotional portfolio.
Upstairs, now.
Fine.
Why are we hosting the Wassers again? After yesterday, I am not in the mood.
I didn't have a choice.
Josh just texted me, "On our way," with a wine emoji.
Well, let's just turn off the lights and pretend we're not home.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Too late.
Hey! - Hi.
- Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, Thatcher.
Uh, Grover's just having a snack in the kitchen.
And before you ask, no, we don't have any candy.
I already know that your snacks suck.
Good thing I had chocolate in the car.
Don't worry about that blanket, just an irreplaceable family heirloom.
Sorry about that, - and about yesterday.
- Yeah.
We, uh, we brought you this biodynamic sparkling Lambrusco to apologize.
Oh, well, that makes it all better.
I'll go get some glasses.
(GLASS SHATTERS) Make that plastic cups.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Ooh, excuse me.
Sorry.
Oh, hey, come on in, guys.
Hey, we're just taking Calvin's new jacket out for a test-drive.
See? That wasn't so bad.
Not so bad? Those pigeons on the power line were trying to go all Call of Duty on me.
No pun intended.
DAVE: Uh, Josh, Daisy, these are our dearest friends, Calvin and Tina Butler.
Hey, so nice to meet you.
(MECHANICAL BLIPPING) (ALARM BLARING) Josh Wasser.
How you doing? Calvin Butler.
Oh! (CHUCKLES) No reason to do all that.
You know what I mean? My man.
Hey! I'm so glad you guys are here.
(SCREAMING) Whoa, careful, careful! - Okay, all right.
- Oh, God.
What the hell? It's fruit punch.
Say hello to my little friend.
Thatcher, are we making good decisions right now? (ALARM BLARING) Okay, that's it.
I'm out of here.
There's a little white girl out of control.
I'm gonna take my chances with the pigeons.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DISTORTED): I got you! (THUDS) Yes.
Ooh.
(GRUNTING) Hey, thank you for doing that for me.
I did it for the jacket.
Now, where is she? 'Cause I ain't afraid to fight no fifth grader.
Uh That is just not the way we deal with our daughter.
See, stains will come out, but psychic trauma, that lasts forever.
Right.
That little girl needs some good old-fashioned Black parenting.
Say the word and me and Tina'll sneak through the back door.
All I need is five minutes.
Oh, so you up in here making a sandwich? Looks like it.
Well, so am I.
(CLEARS THROAT) Pass me the mayo.
(SQUISHING) We all out.
So, it's gonna be like that, huh? (CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah.
It's like that.
(GAGS) Ah! Ah! I ruined my own sandwich out of spite.
Look, Marty, this is stupid, man.
What are we fighting for? Because you clearly don't like spending time with me.
I do like spending time with you.
I just don't like spending all my time with you.
You know, we're brothers, we're roommates, we ride to work together.
That's a lot.
Well, why didn't you just say you needed space? Know what, you right.
I should have, and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
All right.
Dave, this isn't gonna work.
I want parent friends, too, but not these parent friends.
Let's just tell them, "Josh, Daisy.
"You're terrible parents, and your daughter is gonna grow up to become the Joker.
" Knock, knock.
Guys, while you were in here, we were out there doing a tandem meditation.
No.
And, um, we were both picking up on some pretty negative harmonics.
Yeah, well, we were in here picking up after your daughter's trail of destruction.
Okay, okay, uh, well, clearly, we're struggling here.
Uh, we just have very different parenting styles.
(SIGHS) Yes, we're picking up on that, too, and we're happy to share some parenting tips with you.
Wait, what? DAVE: Uh, you know what? Guys (CHUCKLES) Call us old-fashioned, but we are firm believers in, I d The traditional parent-child dynamic.
Oh That is so adorably Judeo-Christian of you.
Okay, um You know, before things get personal, why don't we, why don't we just be adults, put a pin in the parenting conversation, and go enjoy the very nice bottle of wine that you guys brought over.
All right.
See that? It was good that you married a mediator.
Your mother was wrong.
(GASPS) Oh, my.
You have got to be kidding me.
- No! - (PAINT SPRAYING) No.
No way.
That's your face right now, Gemma.
Venmo's on its way.
Thatcher, I know we practice our street art at home, but Dave and Gemma might not like it.
We don't.
Get out.
Hey, uh, Josh, Daisy, this is over.
Well, that breaks our hearts.
Well, Thatcher broke our house.
Bye.
But I want to sign my work.
Okay, you know what? How about this? "Xoxo, you little brat.
" Now, get out of here.
Thank God I'm not her dad.
Man, that girl was a lot.
You did the right thing, Dave.
Oh.
I know.
My room.
No iPad.
CALVIN: I've made my final decision.
This jacket is driving me crazy, so I'm taking it back.
Calvin, you're overreacting.
Am I? I mean, you had to go all Secret Service just to protect me from little baby Scarface over there.
Clearly, I shouldn't have such an expensive jacket.
You know who you remind me of right now? My mother.
Okay, now you're just being mean.
She saved up for years to buy this china set, and when she finally got it, she was so afraid it would break she never took it out of the box.
And you know how this story ends.
Yes.
The china was safe and preserved for future generations.
Yes, Calvin, but she also died before she got a chance to ever use it.
Mm.
Yeah, that's a shame.
Your mother deserved to enjoy nice things.
And so do you.
(CHUCKLES) You know what? You're right.
- Give me that jacket.
- Okay.
You know, this neighborhood deserves nice things, too, like seeing me in this jacket.
I mean, I do look good, don't I? (WHOOPS) Well, come on.
Let's go give them something to talk about.
Ooh, are we going someplace special? Yes.
I'm taking my favorite girl out for ice cream.
- Ooh, yes.
- I-In a cup, not a cone.
- Okay.
- B-Baby steps.
I mean, my man.
First, you splurge on a new jacket, then you get two scoops of ice cream with sprinkles.
(CHUCKLES) YOLO, Tina.
You know? I got to say, it feels kind of good splurging on things you don't necessarily need.
I might have a little Diddy in me after all.
- You know.
- Uh-oh.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Get it, get it, baby.
Get it.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Take that, take that.
(CHUCKLES) We have a surprise for you, Calvin.
I went and got the same jacket.
Jacket twins.
Wow.
Okay, I see you walking.
- That's right.
- CALVIN: Walk it out, baby.
- Okay.
Walk it.
- Get it, Dave.
- And two and three, and walk it out.
- All right.
Walk it out.
Walk it out.