The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e09 Episode Script

Oh,you know,I really should warn you.
I haven't played tennis in,like,three years.
I'm going to be awful.
Oh,it's okay.
You look cute in your outfit, and isn't that all that really matters? Oh,wow,even our politics are the same.
Oh,I'm so pleased with myself right now.
Kissing the perfect man at his fancy tennis club, my cute little outfit It's like we're fabulous people in some beautiful cigarette commercial.
Okay,knock it off! Is it really necessary to flaunt yourselves in public like that? Yeah,standing there all dry in your tennis skirt, sunlight streaming between your thighs.
I haven't had anything between my thighs since this happened.
Christine, aren't you going to introduce us to your,uh, paid escort? Oh,uh,Patrick, this is Marly and Lindsay.
They're parents from Ritchie's school.
And for your information, Patrick is my boyfriend-- ooh,we haven't actually said that yet,have we? We haven't said it officially, but the feeling of utter completeness I have with you, and the nearly constant sex implied it.
Oh,shoot-- I think I just peed a little.
This really is the perfect day.
Out! Hey,did I just win? Oh,my God! I did! I won! I seriously haven't played in, like,years and I smoked your white ass! Face! That's right.
Take that,man! You just lost to a girl Lost to a girl Let me hear you say it Let me hear you say it You just lost to a girl,unh! Patrick? I can't believe you lost.
Patrick,you are such a stupid idiot! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Idiot! Idiot! Why do you suck so bad, Patrick? Patrick,come on! Hey,uh,you want to go make out in front of Marly and Lindsay again? We were so happy then.
Are,are you are you crying? You suck! You suck-hole! Suck knocked on my door and I answered it! I'm never gonna play this stupid game again! Oh,I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! We heard yelling.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ of Old Christine Season04 Episode09 I had the best time last night.
But I have to go.
You have to leave right now? I guess I could stay for a little while.
No,I can't.
I have a job.
Hey,should you come with me to work? Oh,I'd love to.
Oh,wait,Ihave a job.
Hey,maybe you should come with me to my work? Okay.
Wait,I have a job.
Oh,new love is so great.
Remember when we used to just sit and stare into each other's eyes? Yeah,but then you slept with me and I didn't have to do that anymore.
But I miss it.
Me,too.
I guess we have to say good-bye.
Oh,look at that.
Does it make you want to do it? Yes,but not with you.
You guys I think I have to break up with Patrick.
You want Richard back? Oh,no,thanks.
So,we Excuse me,why is this happening today? Quiet,okay? So I was playing tennis and I won.
And then,he had a complete and utter meltdown.
I - I've never seen anything like it.
- You won? - Yes.
- Did you do your victory dance? - Yes.
- Did you use the terms "smoked your white ass" or "face"? - Yes.
- And you wonder why he got mad? - Yes.
Christine,you're a terrible winner.
So the guy gets a little mad when he loses a tennis game.
He puts up with your faults.
Everyone has to overlook something about the other person.
I mean,except for me, because Lucy's perfect.
Except for the obvious thing,of course.
She's just the spitting image of your sister.
She just doesn't spit as much.
What? She doesn't even remotely resemble Christine.
And I'm in love with her, so if she looks like Christine I'll take that as a compliment.
Listen,can we please just focus on my problem? I think Patrick has a real rage issue.
You enrage people,Christine.
How do I enrage people? Well,for one thing, you don't fight fair.
How do I not fight fair, turkey neck? That's not the worst of it.
The worst is when she takes a stand for something she knows nothing about,like bio-fuel.
It's no good,Matthew.
It's bad for the biosphere.
Well,at least she doesn't roll her eyes at everything you say.
Oh,puh-lease.
God,I just want to kill her! Here's the thing.
I like everything else about Patrick.
You know,up until today, I think he was the perfect boyfriend.
So just stay off the tennis court,you'll be fine.
Yeah,I probably shouldn't get that much sun anyway now that the bio-fuels have poked so many holes in the biosphere.
I don't think that's right.
Oh,you don't? Hey,leave her alone.
What's it to you,lady butt? Hi,honey.
I came to kiss you before I go to class.
Let me just look at you first.
Uh,hair-- dark, kind of curly.
Eyes-- brown, like your hair.
How tall would you say that you are? Not very,I'd say.
Matthew,what's the matter with you? Oh,nothing.
Richard just kind of creeped me out.
He he said that you look a lot like my sister.
And that's weird, because if you do, I'm worried what deep and disturbing psychological implications that would have for me.
Don't be silly.
There's nothing psychological about what we have together except that you were my psychologist.
And you look exactly like my dad.
Oh,God.
You don't.
My dad looks like Barney Frank.
He doesn't.
Stop worrying,Matthew.
People always tell me I look like other people.
Oh,I once got a free taco, because someone thought I was Julia Roberts.
Which kind of made me mad, 'cause if anyone can afford a taco, it's Julia Roberts.
But I took it, 'cause I'm on student loans.
And I'm not Julia Roberts.
Ilovefish tacos.
What? Matthew,does your sister look like Julia Roberts? Not at all.
Has she ever gotten a free taco? Not that I know of.
Then how could I look like your sister? - That makes sense.
- Yeah.
Oh,good.
Everybody's here.
Okay,tonight we're going to have game night.
Game night sounds like fun.
I mean,boo.
Game nightisfun,okay? And it's necessary.
So I invited Patrick over, because I wanted to see if the behavior that I saw on the tennis court was,like, a one-time thing or a serious character defect, 'cause I have a kid.
You know,I can't have a boyfriend with rage issues.
Not with my rage issues.
It's so weird.
Patrick seemed like the sweetest guy in the world.
Yeah,but you didn't see the monster I saw on the tennis court.
Oh,it probably wasn't a real monster.
Once I thought I saw a monster in my backyard, but it turned out to be a dog.
Um,okay, so anyway,uh, we just have to make sure that Patrick loses the game.
Okay,but if you bust out that Ouija board, I'm out of here.
Remember the last time when my dead aunt visited us? Don't open the door, it's Aunt Susan! - Everyone's here.
- Yeah.
What's the occasion? Oh,game night.
Yeah,no pressure.
Just a friendly competition between adults.
Some will win, some will lose, everybody plays.
And some will lose.
So,the teams are going to be me and Patrick and Matthew against Barb and Richard and New Christine.
As soon as you've written ten names of celebrities on these slips of paper, we can get started.
Wait,Matthew,I need to see you,please.
What's going on? I need your help.
Do you want me to hold up the other side of your mouth when you talk? No.
Now,listen, you've got to make sure that our team loses, so Patrick freaks out and you'll see that I'm not crazy.
Well,that's not going to convince anyone,and why are you talking like a cartoon gangster? I'm trying not to be too obvious.
Too obvious about what? Um,about how much butt we are going to kick at "Celebrity.
" Okay,let's get go.
Let's get started.
You know what? Our team is gonna go first and I'm gonna give the clues.
Okay,is everybody ready? I'm ready.
All right,let's focus.
And go.
Come on,the clock's ticking.
Okay,I got it.
I got it.
Okay,well, that's interesting.
I do not know who this is.
Spiro Agnew.
What? Why would you guess Spiro Agnew? Well,because you don't know who that is.
I don't know who a lot of people are.
It could be anyone.
Spiro Agnew is so random.
Then sound it out.
No.
It's Spiro Agnew.
Okay,uh Mel Gibson.
What? Matthew,let me finish the clue.
Well,you're making your Mel Gibson expression.
There is no such thing.
That's the face you make when people talk about Mel Gibson.
- Come on,let's go! - Time! Who was it? It was Mel Gibson.
That's two.
Is that good? No.
We're probably going to lose this one.
Okay,it's your turn.
Okay? You guys are up.
Everybody focus.
All right,let me do this.
Ready? Go.
Aw,this is easy.
"Heeeere's" "Heeeere's" Here's what? Here's the clue.
Okay,go ahead.
- "Heeeere's" - To you.
Mrs.
Robinson! Simon and Garfunkel.
Dustin Hoffman, The Graduate.
Tootsie,Bill Murray, Groundhog Day.
"Heeeere's" Andie MacDowell! Yes,Andie MacDowell! Time.
Here's Andie MacDowell? What? Are you freaking kidding me? What was the answer? Johnny Carson.
I didn't know Johnny Carson was inGroundhog Day.
Oh,geez.
My God.
All right,you know what? New teams.
New teams.
All right,Patrick, you're going to be on the team with Richard and,uh,Andie MacDowell.
And Matthew,you're going to read me the clues,all right? And Barb,you know what? Just stay out of the way.
This is fun.
Thanks again for inviting me.
Okay,focus.
And go.
- You hate this guy.
- Mailman.
- Other guy.
- Oh,Chevy Chase! Yes.
You want to marry this guy.
- Uh,mailman? - Other guy.
Oh,Daniel Baldwin! Yes! Mom and Dad's 40th anniversary.
Days of Wine and Roses.
Lee Remick! - Yes.
- Yes.
Cousin Mark.
- Oh,uh,Matthew Broderick.
- Yes.
- Aunt Shirley.
- Uh,Nathan Lane! - Yes.
- Time.
Oh,look at this! Ooh,we got five! Face! You're gonna have to get six, otherwise you lose.
That's going to be hard.
Okay,I'll give the clues.
- Go.
- Bourne Identity.
- Tom Cruise.
- Yes.
Wait,what? No,no,no-- he wasn't in that.
- He's on the nickel.
- Richard Nixon.
- Yes! - What? - Olympic gymnast from the '80s.
- Marilu Henner.
- Yes! - No-no-no,no-- that's wrong.
It's Mary Lou Retton.
Doesn't matter,she got it right.
- Okay,oh,"Only you can prevent forest fires.
" - Yogi Bear.
Yes.
Okay.
Mm,oh,uh,married to Michael Douglas.
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
- Yes! What? - Uh,oh,ah-- "Heeeere's" - Andie MacDowell! - Yes! - Time.
Look at that, we did six! We won! No! No,you did not get six! You didn't get any,okay? That's not how you play! They're all wrong! Yeah,you know what? This is my game,okay? And you lose! God! Oh,there's the monster.
So I said to him, "Obviously I know what bourgeois means, "that's the name of my dog: The Bourgeois Pug.
" I like the way you say "bourgeois.
" Say it again.
Bourgeois.
"Boozh-wah.
" I have to use the restroom.
Want me to show you where it is? Christine! I'll show him where it is.
I know where it is, but thanks.
What are you guys doing? You're not helping me do what I'm trying to do.
What are you trying to do? I'm trying to show you that my boyfriend is psychotic.
You want him to be psychotic? No,I love him.
Soyou'repsychotic.
Christine,I think you're wrong about him.
He's a great guy.
So far out of your league.
You know what I mean.
Really out of your league.
Maybe you're making too much out of what happened.
You think? - The guy's funny.
- I do love funny.
- And he owns a winery.
- I do love wine.
- He loves you.
- I do love me.
Listen,I have an early day tomorrow,so I have to get going.
Oh,Patrick,I wish you didn't have to leave.
They are right.
I'm so luckyo have you.
Wow,it almost seems like you guys were down here talking about me.
No.
Did you hear us? - No.
- Then,no.
Anyway,it was great seeing all of you.
And,uh I look forward to seeing more of you.
Oh,great.
My boyfriend.
Uh,Richard, thanks for the wine; I love a good Pinot.
It was actually a Burgundy, but glad you liked it.
Oh,it may have come from the Burgundy region of France, but trust me, it was a Pinot Noir.
Uh,no,it came from the discount region of the Wine Depot,but trust me, it was a Burgundy.
I know my wine and it was a Pinot.
I know what I got and it was a Burgundy.
Care to make it interesting? I would love if someone made thisinteresting.
This is the most boring argument I've ever heard.
I'll bet you 20 bucks it's a Burgundy.
Oh,I hate to take your money,but okay.
Here you go.
Burgundy.
I won.
Look at that, you were right.
I guess I lost that one.
- There you go.
- Yep,there you go.
You didn't knotween a nine-dollar Burgundy and a Pinot Noir.
You own a winery, you stupid,stupid,idiot.
Why are you so stupid,Patrick? Oh,I know why.
Because you're stupid! Look what your boyfriend just did.
I told you he was psychotic.
Face.
I still don't understand why I'm here.
I'm meeting Patrick to break up with him.
Okay,you saw how crazy he got over that wine.
Imagine what he's going to do when he loses this.
That guy's scary.
And he's bigger than me.
Well,Barb wasn't available, so you're just going to have to man up.
Okay,there he is.
So,uh,you sit here right by the door.
And you be ready to jump in.
You know,I'm not much of a fighter.
I'm more of a lover.
Yeah,well,you're not much of a lover,so You don't fight fair! - Hey,Patrick.
- Hey,sweetie.
Listen,Patrick,I've got something to say to you.
But before you react, I want you to consider that you're in a public place, and I want you to know that I brought Richard with me.
What's going on,Christine? Lookit,there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it.
Um,I'm just gonna put this here.
Patrick, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Okay,well,I'll miss you.
N - No,Patrick, I'm,I'm breaking up with you.
Yeah,I got that.
In other words, you're losing me.
Yeah.
It was fun,though,huh? As in,losing.
Lost.
Loser.
What's,what's,what's the matter with you? Why aren't you upset? Christine, it's a new relationship.
Neither of us really knew where it was going.
I mean,it's sad, but what are you going to do? I don't know, what areyougoing to do? Aren't you going to throw something or knock the table over or cry? Why? Relationships either work or they don't.
You can't beat yourself up over it.
You beat yourself up over a tennis game.
See you around,Christine.
Hey,you sure you don't mind me taking your court time? Eh,go ahead-- I'm never gonna play tennis again.
What's with the outfit? I look cute in it.
The mailman hasn't come yet.
I do look good.
That's not you,it's Lucy.
- Cute outfit.
- Cute outfit.
- Nice legs.
- Nice legs.
- Thanks.
- Stop it! Stop it! Just stop it! I can't do this.
You look alike, you talk alike - Matthew.
- Matthew.
You're the same person! Calm down.
You could do a lot worse than me.
I'm going to have a glass of wine; does anybody want one? Oh,no thanks.
I don't drink.
- What? - What? You don't drink? I don't drink.
I think it's sort of trashy.
And I like to wake up clearheaded.
"Clearheaded"? I'm lucky if I wake up in my own bed.
Oh,my God,you're nothing like my sister.
You are a wonderful, beautiful, sober woman.
Quick-- bio-fuels: good or bad? Good.
- I love you.
- I love you,too.
He'll be back.
They'll all be back.
I lost.
My God! What is Christine upo now? Yeah,those Campbells have no shame.