The Simple Life (2003) s04e09 Episode Script

NARRA TOR: Paris ' creative juices are really flowing these days.
Today, she's on the set of her video for Stars Are Blind, looking for a costar.
Tomorrow is with your guy, your hot guy.
-Did you see the ones over there? -Yeah.
-What do you -What do you think? I don't know.
I can't see.
They're too far away.
I'm not sure yet.
We have to see, like, close up.
-PARlS: Hi.
-How are you? -CHRlS: Come in, sit down.
-This is Paris.
-So sexy.
-Can you guys all take off your shirts? And make out.
CHRlS: We have an intimate scene with Paris so we had some questions, if you don't mind.
Like, if you have to make out with Paris, are you clean? -Are you all right there? -Am I clean? -Yeah.
-Can we go both ways on this one? Yes.
Well, you should be honest because if you have the herpes of the lip, and it then shows up on her, then we trace it back to you, and then you're on national TV.
Well, do you have it? Are you guys clean? What's happening? I got the love bug so you might want to watch out there.
NARRA TOR: Paris isn't the only Simple Life star into music.
Across town, Nicole's getting advice from multiple-Grammy-winning songwriter Diane Warren.
When you are really serious about making a record, you have to really put 100% into it.
-Yeah.
-You know? That would be my advice.
It's like whether you Whether it's really learning, you know, to sing as well as you can, -getting a great voice coach.
-Yeah.
You know, you can't have songs that aren't up to par.
And where do you get your inspiration? Like, what do you write about? I have a good imagination.
Well, what if I want to write arecord, will you help me? You want to do a whole record ofsongs? -That could be interesting.
-And like different positions.
I could do a song called "Doggie" Or we could write like a really sentimental song called "Dirty" NARRA TOR: Auditioning a costar is harder than it looks.
Paris is having trouble making up her mind.
I feel like one of those, like, sleazy casting couch guys.
It's so funny.
It's kind of hard to pick a guy, like -Are they all hot? -They're all hot.
-JASON: Paris -Yeah? JASON: He's available.
-He's really hot.
-He's available.
I'm so embarrassed.
This is a guy I used to date.
-Sounds like you guys have chemistry.
-PARlS: Yeah, we definitely have chemistry.
It's important.
But it's just embarrassing if you don't know someone and you just, like, have to pretend you're in love.
-Hi.
Nice to meet you.
-Yeah, exactly.
PARlS: Where the hell are we? NARRA TOR: The girls may not get along these days, but they do share a love ofmusic.
So they should be perfectly in tune with their next family.
Hi.
We're the Burton family.
My name is Gerard Burton, and this is my lovely wife, Danielle.
This is Jasmine, this is Nadja, and this is Gerdan.
DANlELLE: I believe creativity is important because it allows the kids to express who they are.
GERARD: Jasmine, she's into designing.
Nadja, she loves to breakdance.
(RHYTHMlC MUSlC PLA YlNG) And Gerdan, he loves cars.
(ENGlNE REVVlNG) My creative energy? It's definitely music.
(PLAYlNG MUSlC) GERARD: Danielle, she sings.
(SlNGlNG) So I'm curious to see what kind of creative ideas that Paris and Nicole bring to my family.
(DOORBELL RlNGlNG) DANlELLE: Hello.
BOTH: Hi.
-How are you? I'm Nicole.
-I'm Danielle.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
-Hi.
Nice to meet you.
-I'm Danielle.
-Hi, Danielle.
I'm Paris.
Oh.
Guys, come here.
We have a visitor.
-Hi.
-DANlELLE: That's Nadja, Jasmine.
-Hi.
Nice to meet you.
-DANlELLE: Gerard.
And Gerdan.
PARlS: Hi, sexy.
He's so cute.
So, Paris, we're very excited to have you visit our family today.
Nicole, we want to welcome you into our home.
DANlELLE: It's really important for me and my husband to bring out the creativity side of our kids.
-Loves it.
-I have a to-do list.
The first thing I put was painting a self-portrait type of a thing.
Do you want them to be nude or clothed? And how about sculpturing? Dance? And do improvisation.
I believe that's really good, you know, for acting.
-Hot.
-lf you have a special project you'd like to introduce to my kids, I'll be more than happy to let you do that.
-I'll come up with something.
-Cool.
And just pretty much have fun.
Oh, by the way, no swearing, please.
Please? -I don't swear.
-Okay, good.
-lt sounds good.
-Okay.
-Bye.
-Bye, sweetheart.
Thank you.
I'll take really good care of your kids and your husband.
-Just be good.
-Okay.
-Bye.
-NlCOLE: Bye, bitch.
Love you.
DANlELLE: Excuse me? Okay, Nicole, there's some things my wife wants you to do, so I'm going to ask that you please do them without any vulgarity.
-Okay, please? Okay.
Thank you.
-Okay.
The first thing that your mom wanted me to do is help you guys express yourselves through painting.
Instead of doing a self-portrait, we should paint your parents a painting.
(NADJA EXCLAlMlNG) NADJA: Are we going to paint the walls? NlCOLE: Yeah.
GERDAN: I can't believe we actually doing this.
NADJA: Is my mom going to get mad at you? (NlCOLE LAUGHlNG) NADJA: Hey, look what you did to our daddy.
NlCOLE: I'm complimenting them.
It's cute.
NADJA: What are you doing? NlCOLE: What? JASMlNE: You better tell her not to tell NADJA: Do not Don't be calling my mama -What? -NADJA: The "B" word.
I didn't.
NADJA: You know Mommy don't like that.
What are you guys doing? We wanted to paint your room because I saw what a good artist they were.
-So we decided to redecorate your room.
-Jas, Dad.
Look what she did to your picture.
Jasmine, move.
(NlCOLE LAUGHlNG) GERARD: What is this? I guess she forgot to inform you that we're a Christian home.
We don't say those kind of words in my household.
I told you.
I guess it has to be you 'cause you're kind of tall.
She did.
GERARD: If she's going to keep on cussing and being like that, that's not a good thing.
-Out! -NADJA: Daddy, look.
GERARD: I see it.
Get out.
Out.
You, too.
Go, go.
NADJA: Okay, Dad.
NARRA TOR: Nicole likes traditional finger painting, but Paris has her own vision.
Come on, guys, let's do finger painting.
-This isn't finger painting.
-That's nail polish.
This is painting your fingers.
Finger painting.
-Okay.
-JASMlNE: She got you on that one.
-I see -NADJA: Dad, how you like my nails? -Gerdan got white nails.
-What? No, you got to take that off.
That's garbage.
PARlS: You told me to be creative.
That's creative, but that's not the kind of creation I'm talking about.
NADJA: Gerdan, it looks handsome.
JASMlNE: It's fashionable.
Boy.
Now it's time for improvisation.
So improvisation is like acting, and with any acting, you have to know, like, a good death scene.
Like, my movie, you had a death scene where I get a pole thrown through my head and it, like, goes through and I die.
I'm gonna have you guys act out a death scene.
(YELLlNG) (GROANlNG) Gerdan, she's dead.
Good job.
-Bravo! -PARlS: You could win an Oscar.
Cool.
NlCOLE: All right.
I have lunch coming.
Next is dance.
-What? -Dance.
Are you excited? (CLASSlCAL MUSlC PLA YlNG) And plié.
Reach up like you're grabbing dollar bills from a stripper's underwear.
-You don't know ballet.
-I know everything about ballet.
Uh-uh, girlfriend.
NlCOLE: All right, so teach me some ballet moves.
(HlP-HOP MUSlC PLA YlNG) You don't do this in ballet.
That's not appropriate.
My very sophisticated French ballet teacher told me, you always have to moon everyone to thank them, and fart on their face.
(EXCLAlMlNG) No! NlCOLE: All right, next is sculpture.
If we do a sculpture, then we're gonna need a model.
-NlCOLE: Hi.
-Hi.
-We were looking for a model.
-You guys, I have work, though.
I'm sorry, you guys.
(DOORBELL RlNGlNG) -Hi.
-Hi.
We were wondering if you guys wanted to be models because we're gonna make a sculpture.
Oh, okay.
(DOORBELL RlNGlNG) I'm their mom for the day and we were gonna make sculptures, but we needed a model, and I wanted to know if you wanted to be our model.
-No, I don't think I do.
-Oh, okay.
-Bye.
-Bye.
All right, guys, this didn't work so I'll come up with another plan.
Don't worry about it.
Let's go home.
-Okey-doke.
-Okay, come on, Gerdan.
NARRA TOR: Nicole and the gang had no luck finding a model, but Paris has the perfect person in mind.
So I'm going to be the sculpt model.
Okay, make a pose for us.
A cute pose.
(DOORBELL RlNGlNG) Hello.
How are you? -You order a pizza? -Yes.
I have a question for you.
I need a model, and I came out here and I saw your beautiful puss, and I wanted to know if you would come and be my model.
-Do a little -Like this? No, like this, maybe.
Put this hand on your butt cheek and suck the thumb, yeah.
This is perfect.
NlCOLE: Yeah, it's cute.
I see your eyes moving.
You can't move.
NADJA: You have to hold still before you mess up or something like that.
What are you, text-messaging? You're supposed to be holding your pose right now.
PARlS: That's my new pose.
You got to work with it.
All right, I'm bored.
I can't sit here any longer.
NARRA TOR: Born to walk the runway, Paris can 't seem to sit still, and Nicole can 't seem to clean up her act.
All right, we did the painting.
Now let's go do voice training.
We're enunciating our words, okay? A-E-l-O-U! NlCOLE: Now scream.
One, two, three.
NlCOLE: Okay, Gerdan.
Now you scream it, okay? My daddy's here.
-What's up, man? -I'm with you.
What have you guys been learning out here? Just some words.
We're learning how to enunciate.
-Enunciate? -Yeah.
What are you learning how to enunciate? She told us to say -Say what? -NADJA: She told us to.
What have you guys been learning out here? She told us to say -Say what? -She told us to.
You cannot do that.
That's out of line.
You can't be saying those words around my children.
You can't teach them that kind of stuff.
-Sorry.
Yeah.
-GERARD: You got it? All right.
NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole have made it through the to-do list in record time.
But Mrs.
Burton really wanted them to teach their kids artistic vision, so the girls will try a special project.
Nicole is up first.
NlCOLE: Your mom told me that if we had a little extra time that we should do a project for her.
So I was thinking that we should write a song for her.
What do you think of when you think of your mom? -JASMlNE: Food.
-Food.
-NADJA: Helpful.
-Discipline.
What else? That she lets us go to our friends' house sometimes.
Okay.
These are more like things that your mom does for you.
-NADJA: Yeah.
-Must be hard.
I'm gonna go compile all this into a song.
NARRA TOR: Armed with the Burton kids ' ideas, Nicole heads to the studio to work out a mommy track.
Your mom does everything for you.
Your mom is your bitch NARRA TOR: And finishes the lyrics just in time for some professional help.
Okay, what have we got going on in here? The title of this song is It's Hard 2B a Mutha.
Okay.
Basically I need you to lay down some beats, okay? Okay.
Okay, one, two, three.
(SlNGlNG) All righty, then.
Just say whatever you're gonna say.
I'm just trying to get a level.
(BURPS) Okay.
Let's try this.
Go.
(RAPPlNG lN FOUL LANGUAGE) Hey, you're not supposed to be saying that word.
(CONTlNUES RAPPlNG lN FOUL LANGUAGE) Smack that what? (BLEEPlNG) Oh, I don't think that's gonna fly.
NADJA: No.
NlCOLE: Why? Too many bad words.
It's perfect.
Your mom's gonna love it.
NARRA TOR: Nicole is confident she has a hit.
What's up? But when Mr.
Burton plays the finished song for Paris, Ms.
Hilton begs to differ.
Here's her presentation.
(KlDS SlNGlNG ON TAPE) (BLEEPlNG) I think the song's really hot, just whoever's in there rapping really sucks.
(BURPS) So your wife asked me to do a project with the kids.
-Okay.
-And I think this would be the perfect project to just do a music video.
-Okay, well, we'll see what happens.
-Okay.
NARRA TOR: With Nicole's song as backdrop, Paris will be making the video.
I'm open to pretty much anything, as long as it's not something crazy.
Anything? (PARlS LAUGHlNG) You look beautiful as a blonde.
-I hope you guys get something out of this.
-We will.
-Hi, Mom.
-Hey, Mommy.
For the first scene, you will be making breakfast.
Making breakfast.
PARlS: This is a song about a mother who works hard and she's tired.
So I'm not believing you.
Pour that milk like you mean it.
Now I want to see some real cleaning.
-GERARD: Some real cleaning.
-Scrub harder.
I don't believe you.
PARlS: Scramble those eggs.
Snap back like your back hurts.
And look pissed.
PARlS: Get mad.
Kids, jump on the bed.
(EXCLAlMlNG) -I love it.
Destroy the room.
-Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! -PARlS: We have one more scene to shoot.
-Okay.
Since you're playing the mom, we need someone to play you.
(SlNGlNG) (DOORBELL RlNGlNG) I'll be right back.
Whoa! Who's the hot chick? This is my friend Limar from Roto-Rooter.
He's playing the mom and you're gonna play him.
Action.
Here you go, darling.
LlMAR: Well PARlS: Smell them.
Act like you like it.
PARlS: Smile.
Laugh.
-Oh, man.
-Kiss this.
I'm the director, you have to do what I say.
So, honey, you want to go outside and play some football? It's a wrap.
NARRA TOR: With little time to spare before Mrs.
Burton gets home, Paris edits her directorial debut and completes it just in time.
DANlELLE: Where's everybody? -GERARD: We're in here, in the living room.
-Hi.
-We have a surprise for you.
-DANlELLE: You do? Today we used our creativity and all together, we made this for you.
(JASMlNE SCATTlNG) What? (NADJA SCATTlNG) NARRATOR: Coming up, the directorial debut ofParis and Nicole's It's Hard 2B a Mutha.
(RAP MUSlC PLA YlNG ON TV) DANlELLE: Oh, my God! NARRA TOR: While filling in for Danielle Burton, Nicole wrote the song, Paris directed.
And now it's time for the world premiere ofIt's Hard 2B a Mutha.
(NADJA SCATTlNG) GERARD: Here we go.
(lT'S HARD 2B A MUTHA PLA YlNG ON TV) DANlELLE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my gosh! (BURP ECHOlNG) DANlELLE: Oh, you look like me, Gerard.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) DANlELLE: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That is so hot! Dang.
Well, that made it worth all the while.
-I appreciate it.
-JASMlNE: Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Give me a hug.
DANlELLE: Oh, my goodness.
PARlS: Well, I had fun, everybody.
Thank you, guys.
-He's dreaming about you.
-All right.
-lt was fun.
-Pleasure meeting you.
-DANlELLE: Thank you.
-Okay, bye.
PARlS: Do I get a hug? Paris did a great job with the nurturing aspect and she didn't use any foul language at all.
But I do love Nicole, though.
She's great.
-Bye.
-Okay.
-Bye.
Nice meeting you.
-Bye-bye.
-Bye.
-Pleasure meeting you, too.
As far as who would be the better mother if it's going for effort, I'd have to give it to both of them.
-Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.
-You're welcome.
Love you.
Bitch.
NARRA TOR: Nicole has one last surprise to show Mrs.
Burton.
-DANlELLE: I can't believe this.
-So? Oh, my What in the world? NlCOLE: I just figured that since they're such great painters, that we could go and paint your room.
-NlCOLE: You like it? -It's washable, right? NARRA TOR: Paris is proud ofher directorial debut.
Hi, guys.
So back in the studio with Three 6 Mafia, she shows offher skills.
We gonna ghetto you out for one scene just to show people that you can go there with it.
Show them the gangster side.
Gangster P.
-P.
Hizzle.
-PH, what's up, man? P.
Hizzle.
-Do the diamonds help you do that? -Sweet.
Yeah.
PARlS: I want to get some.
-We're gonna get you some for the video.
-For the video.
Oh, yeah.
Can they say my name, P-A-R-l-S? -Yep.
-P-A-R P-A-R-l-S.
That's five teeth, that'll kind of be off.
But we'll make it work, we'll put it in there.
PARlS: I want to show you.
This is actually the first music video I've ever directed.
Sweet.
It's called It's Hard 2B a Mutha.
Hard 2B a Mutha.
Look at that.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) PARlS: Here's my cameo.
-PARlS: Oh! -Oh, no! -PARlS: Do you love it? -I love it.
-PARlS: How good is my directing? -I mean, I like it.
-PARlS: You like it? -I like it.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) So am I directing Three 6 Mafia's next video or what? -Yeah! You got the job.
-Hell, yeah.
PARlS: It's hot.
RAPPER: Sweet.
(PARlS CHUCKLlNG) NARRA TOR: Next, on the season finale ofThe Simple Life.
After weeks ofbeing separated, Paris and Nicole finally meet face to face.
PARlS: What the hell is going on here? NlCOLE: Paris, what are you doing here? -Nicole, what are you doing? -NlCOLE: Well, it's my day.
I think you got your day mixed up.