Web Therapy (2011) s04e09 Episode Script

Previously on "Web Therapy" Yeah, I was the emcee at the Pinkeye Ball, the Stylehaul event.
Oh, yes, the Pinkeye you were the emcee.
That's right.
I was wondering, at the Pinkeye Ball.
- You were very good.
- Thank you.
What did I win again? I'm sorry.
- So you won a makeover - Oh.
- With me.
- Oh.
And it will possibly translate into a magazine makeover.
You have that kind of clout, really? But I suspect that you actually care deeply about Kip, that you are in fact in love with Kip.
- I'm going to quit.
- What? No.
No, I'm going to quit.
I am not going to bring any kind of badness or scandal to this office.
I can't do that to him.
I-I can't do that to Kip.
Just you don't have to.
S04E09 Judicial Oversight - Fiona.
- Hi, Kip.
I can't I can't talk to you right now.
- I'm desperate.
- Why? April has given me two weeks' notice.
My law clerk, she's leaving me.
I'm I'm looking through resumes.
I can't find anyone to replace her.
She is irreplaceable.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Yes, I know.
Well, she's irre how do you know? Because I had spoken with her, okay? - And here's the problem.
- What did you say to her? I didn't say anything, okay? She has convinced herself somehow that she's in love with you.
- Oh, that's absurd.
- Of course it's absurd.
- She runs my life.
- I know.
April! April! Please, I need to talk to you.
Please, sit down.
I-I need to ask you something.
It's it's rather personal, and it's Wh oh! - Fiona's with us.
- Oh, hi, Fiona.
Hi.
Hi, April.
Yeah.
April, Fiona is saying that you're leaving because you're in love with me.
That's not true.
It's okay.
It's safe to tell him.
No.
No, it is not true.
- But it's - See, I told you.
- No, it is not true.
- Of course not.
I mean, you you she you said you needed to move on.
I'm not sure where you're moving.
No, I'm moving on.
I'm getting married to Phil.
Well, I know.
Congratulations.
I'm very happy for you.
But, you know, I-I what am I supposed to do? I'm sorry.
I'm so s I'm so sorry.
- Oh, see? - What, see? Well, no, because you went to hold him, to comfort your instinct to comfort him is extraordinary.
Kip, I don't know why you see it now? She is under she's in my employ.
- She takes care of me.
- That's right, that's right.
I'm in his em well, I used to be your em I'm I'm sorry, Kip.
Well, you're still with me.
You have another two weeks.
I I'm desperate.
I can't have you leave.
I'm s I know.
I don't I mean, it's just, what am I gonna do? I mean, what about the gluten-free cookies and all of that? No, that it c April, it's okay.
You can admit it, okay? She's probably afraid that if she tells you that she loves you, you'll, you know, have certain response to he's not gonna respond to that at all, though.
I can tell you.
April, please tell me the truth.
Sorry, my hands are so dry.
No, my goodness.
I can't believe it.
It's a good thing I have my lotion with me.
- Oh.
- You know, I don't I don't like it when your hands get dry.
You you need to you need to start using that humidifier more.
Don't turn it off anymore.
See, what am I gonna do without you? I-I my hands'll just just drop off.
- I know.
Oh, baby.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, it feels good.
Thank you very much.
I-I see, I love your hands.
I love your long, beautiful fingers.
- You're like a piano player.
- I am like a piano player.
- You are like a piano player.
- Except that he's not.
- You notice that? - I do notice that.
You play me.
You play me.
You play my heart.
You play my soul.
- You know, that's - I can't help it.
It's all your fault that I'm in love with I mean, look at your eyes.
Okay, you know what? I'm sorry, but right now, I'm watching a love scene.
She has beautiful eyes.
Don't you think so, Fiona? Did you just say that I have beautiful eyes? - You have extraordinary eyes.
- You've noticed my eyes? No, okay, listen.
You are he's gay, okay? Well, what has that got to do with anything? - Right.
- Gay? Well, because he can't possibly have feelings for you because he's gay.
Why? Why can't he have feelings for me if he happens to be gay? Just because you have homosex 'Cause you don't have a penis, that's why.
That has nothing to do with it.
- There's nothing for him to do.
- First of all, - I think penises are overrated.
- So do I.
Just because you're gay or you have gay tendencies - doesn't mean you're gay.
- Right.
Well, then what does mean you're gay? Well, first of all, if you do if you perform acts, real acts with with penises, which I don't do.
- Anymore.
- What? You know what? That's it's in the past, Fiona.
All that's in the past.
You know, you're- - That feels so good.
- I know.
She's a little bit perverted.
I think you're a little perverted.
- I'm perverted? - I do.
I think that you're trying to stir the pot, stir things up and make everything more complicated than it needs to be, Fiona.
Your doorbell's ringing.
Oh, what, we what time is it? What time is it? - I know, but - You know, you better get that.
You should get the door.
You okay.
You get the door because it's a it's a gift.
It's a gift from "Kip," and it's it's for your four-year anniversary of the day that you started web therapy, and it's a box from Tiffany.
- See? - Oh, it's from Tiff I should get s if it's from Tiffany.
- How thoughtful am I? - Yeah.
When did this all begin? I think it started the night that we were working late on the Hotchkiss case.
Case, the Hotchkiss case and the Sangria and then the - the twister.
- And twister.
And then that then that thing happened, that That other thing that was really - That thing happened.
- The hotch - Spontaneous and - Kiss case.
Yes, it is from Tiffany.
No, no.
No, you're fired.
Okay.
I'm fired.
I'm fired.
Oh, hello, Nina.
- Fiona.
- Yes? - I want those jewels back.
- The jewels Where's the Harry Winston jewelry? The ones that were gifted to me in appreciation of me wearing them to the event? You signed a paper that said you needed to return these jewels.
All right, I thought I was just signing saying thank you, I accept.
- I didn't know.
- How I will get them back.
All right, don't make a big deal.
They're safe somewhere.
They're here somewhere.
How did you manage to ruin every relationship I have in this business? Oh, I that's so theatrical.
Fiona, you came up to the magazine.
- Mm-hmm.
- You chased the editor - Mm-hmm.
- pitching her stories.
You want to be on the cover of the magazine? Well, just for to introduce my column.
- Fiona? - Yeah? You're not a celebrity.
You cannot pitch a column, a "Dear Fiona" column.
I'm not a celebrity until I have the column, - and then I will be, so - There's gonna be no psychology column in the magazine.
Well, I think that's a mistake, because obviously people who are in the fashion industry suffer a great deal of insecurities that I'd be happy to address.
What's insecure is a person that chases down Michael Kors.
I thought that I would help him out as businessperson to businessperson.
His Philadelphia stores are way too cold.
He needs to really bring down the air-conditioning.
Well, he was very offended, - just so you know.
- Oh, okay.
And he came to the magazine as a personal favor to me.
Could I tell you something? You want to talk about being offended? How about, I don't know what I said, but I see the two of you snickering at me from the corner over I don't know what.
- What? You don't know what? - No.
You said you were the Philadelphia Heidi Klum.
How could we not snicker about that? Well, I don't know what's so hilarious about that.
It's mildly funny, I guess.
I'm tall and blonde, okay.
You're not a supermodel.
Of course I'm not.
I'm an intellectual.
I'm I'm I'm a human being.
You were mean to the assistants.
You asked a designer to go get you coffee.
You - You know what? I'm sorry if I insulted designers.
I didn't know the designers were in the room when I had to remark on the inappropriateness of their clothes.
They looked like hooker outfits.
No, they were not hooker outfits.
It's just that you are not a size two as you claim to be.
You are more like a size six.
I'm sorry.
I thought it was size one, two, or three.
I'm not saying I'm a one.
I'm in the middle.
Samples do not come in a size six.
Okay.
I made a mistake.
You're a pathological liar.
No, but I will grant you this, it was a difficult day for me, so if I was showing the strain of that, then I apologize for that.
And normally I can handle it, but it's very hard for a woman to be confronted with clothing that's way too small.
It makes her feel like she's large, which I'm not.
I mean, I'm rather petite.
Okay, maybe I don't know what petite means.
- Maybe.
- But let's forget everything.
- Okay.
- Just, could you please stop telling the world that I am your personal shopper? I am not a personal shopper.
I don't shop for you.
I don't shop for anybody.
I am a fashion editor for a magazine.
All right.
I don't do any "personal" shopping.
That's fine.
I I was just trying to help get your name out there.
But if you'd rather I don't, then I will stop.
My name is out there.
- Okay, yes, of course.
- You know what, Fiona? This whole thing was a mistake.
- I was doing it for charity - Yes.
For the unfortunate.
People who don't know how to keep their eyeballs clean.
Whether you have pinkeye or no eye, I am done.
It's about time that you realized.
You know, I often share the exact same sentiment.
Why help anybody? No good deed goes unpunished.
We have so much in common, you and I.
I really feel like we could be friends.
Do you want to maybe get lunch? Wait, Fiona.
That necklace, is that ours? - This one? - That's ours.
- You've got to give that back.
- Oh, no-all right.
So we won't have lunch.
Hello.
- Oh, wow.
- Hi.
You're oh.
Hey.
What's that? What's happening? Oh, I just quick selfie.
- With me? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- I just I'm sorry.
Was that did that make you uncomfortable? - No, not at all.
- Oh, good, good, good.
That's I don't know why, anyway.
Oh, my gosh.
That's you're wearing my favorite necklace.
- That's yeah.
- Okay.
How are you, Fiona? I'm very well, Abel.
So nice to talk to you.
And what is it that I could help you with? Well, um, it's primarily a workplace issue, but I do think it stems from something on a personal level.
It's kind of embarrassing to say, but I seem to have an effect on some of my coworkers that is distracting to them.
Oh, so are you sort of A.
D.
D.
? Are you, um do you need some medication? - No, I - 'cause I don't prescribe.
At all? Okay, um, this is more - I work with a lot of females.
- Uhhuh.
And, um, they seem to be distract I have, um, I guess, like, excessive charm or or charisma or something that's, um You do? Yeah, um, I mean, I'm you probably aren't seeing it so much now, but when I'm at work, maybe I'm I'm, you know, really excited to be there, and Oh, where do you work? Um, for the government.
- It's just a - Oh.
Government position that would bore you.
Okay, so the the juxtaposition of your lively personality with the extremely dull workplace makes you attractive to all of these I don't thk that I'm Fabio or anything, but No, you're not.
Dude, are you watching? Are you watching the show? - Oh, what's happening? - Nothing.
- What's she doing? - I'm in one.
I'm not I'm not listening.
- What? - Nothing.
I've I live with somebody, and they rudely interrupted.
Hey, take a screen grab.
They want you to listen to something? I think they heard your voice, and then they thought maybe I was entertaining, I guess.
Oh, really? Okay.
I don't know.
That's st No, it's not a sex site.
Yet.
- What? - See, I don't know.
Did you say "yes" or "yet"? "Yet," I said "yet.
" You know.
Well, it's not going to be.
I mean, I know your generation likes, you know, to go to the Internet.
Not to say that some of your sessions probably haven't - They have not.
- gone in that direction.
Well, they have absolutely haven't.
Really? Okay.
Well, they I know my sessions, and I know that they haven't.
But we both know that things have gotten blurry, to say the least, which is, again, who could blame anyone involved with how you look and I don't understand these assumptions you're making about what I do with other patients.
Well It's sort of none of your business.
You should really just be concerned with yourself.
I think that's where this elevated esteem that you have, maybe there's an omniscience sort of intruding onto it that you seem to feel that you have, and you simply don't.
I guess it was my hope that I would be honest with you and then maybe you would be honest in return because of what I understand to be a doctor-patient relationship.
- It's a safe zone.
- I mean, we both know that you've had some very questionable interactions with patients.
Why would you what do you mean, we both know? I don't understand that.
What does that mean? What are you - What's going on, all right? - I'm just going on - I'm not buying this.
- Okay.
Am I being pranked or something? This is not a prank, but I just let's just say that I'm privy to some of your sessions, - or I have at least I - How? - I've cons - How are you privy to some of my sessions, hacker? - Are you a hacker? - N-no.
There's a big distinction between what I do and hacking.
I work for the the National Security Agency, so The NSA? So why would the NSA and we monitor a lot of web activity, - a lot of Internet traffic.
- Uhhuh.
And we were turned on to your show This isn't a show.
This is my life.
Because of an ex-employee of yours that was under suspicion of terrorism, Kamal it doesn't matter.
- The point is - What? Kamal is a terrorist? I shouldn't have said that.
That's an ongoing investigation.
- It's no one's business.
- Is he a terrorist? That I actually go to Guantanamo for.
The point is, is we did discover your show, and we have all become humungous fans of it.
What? Well, as you know about the NSA, we regularly monitor internet traffic.
- Yes, terrorists.
- Primarily terrorists, but they're long story short, they're not as exciting as you might expect them to be.
There's far less bomb building and a lot more napping and prayer and with the blankets and the things they sit on.
I'm sorry you're bored trying to keep the country safe from terrorists and so you then intrude and invade the privacy of decent, decent, hardworking citizens like myself.
What I'm saying is, we have the option to watch nearly anything on the internet, which is quite a bit, and we've we've all really come to love your program, and I thought that that you would be flattered by that.
- And maybe it's - You mean my modality? a fan's delusion that I thought I could join in on my favorite show and just I guess, program, you mean the the system in which I conduct my therapy, 'cause it is it is innovative, so It's highly entertaining, and it's, um it's a sexy Well, some of the employees have gotten in trouble watching your show in the restroom.
- Oh, yeah.
- Just can't-but by getting, you know, help from someone who is easily profiled, I opened myself up to this this this this transgression of my constitutional rights.
You know what? This is wrong, okay? It's wrong, and I'm going to take legal action.
- I would advise against that.
- Yes.
As you build a case with a legal representative, we'll be hearing all the points you're making.
And then we'll be two steps ahead of you.
It's just people don't win against - The NSA? - Yes.
No, that's a that's true.
That's it's we're really pretty much at the top Then I'm just going to ask you to please just you know, if you have any kind of moral compass at all, then you will switch me off, all right? Because I'm not a I'm not a threat to the country, all right? But you need to be paying attention, all right? Why don't you just go back and do your job, which is to keep americans safe from those who do harm to americans.
Good-bye.
Fiona, I-I did not want it to end that way, um Why why do I hear you? I clicked you off.
I clicked you off.
I'm still watching you, and I can still communicate with you through your speakers.
Then I'll just I will unplug you.
It's not the only camera in your house, Fiona.
I have a camera on your phone in your pocket.
What? Oh, Caspar.
Listen, if this is again about that makeover with Nina Garcia, I'm not a thief, all right? Those jewels were loaned to me, and I made every effort to get them back, all right? That's not - No.
- Why are you laughing? 'Cause I'm not not phoning about that.
Oh.
Oh, then I'm happy to see you.
Okay.
I just I'm just calling to find out whether or not you've had time to check out my channel.
Oh, I did.
- Awesome.
- I did.
I did.
I clicked on the link from the email you sent.
Yes, yes, you have a channel.
- Good for you.
- Thank you.
Yeah, it's not my cup of tea, you know? I assume you wanted me to try to assess you from that, and I guess I could say you have what they call it, ADHD, but I don't I'm I don't treat that, so I-I mean, if you don't treat that, how do you know I have it or Well, I know what it is, - what they claim it to be.
- Oh.
Oh, okay.
But I don't not sure I believe it's an actual thing.
- So - But I also don't I don't treat that, so I I'm afraid I can't help you.
- Yeah.
- No, I mean, I spent time.
I did.
I spent about, you know, - 25 minutes watching things.
- Wow.
- Yeah, so - That's cool.
Thank you.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- I appreciate that.
No, I put the time into it, you know.
Yeah.
Any any laughs? I can imagine that you don't laugh very often, so I laugh all the time.
I have a wonderful sense of humor.
But not at people in psychological distress or that kind of psychological distress.
I mean, I just obviously I'm playing a bit of a character.
I don't always act the way I do on camera.
- Really? - I mean, it's it is me, but With your name and your likeness? It's a character? Okay.
Yeah, of of course, but it's more like I'm, you know, heightening my myself so that people - can find it entertaining.
- Is it worth it? 'Cause, I mean it's working okay.
I've got a-a couple of people who watch, - and that's why I was - Yes, a couple, so Yeah, no, well, I'm I'm underplaying it.
There are a few more than a couple, and No, but good for you.
Bravo.
So you'll you'll be on my channel, then? Oh, will I be on your channel? I don't think that would help me.
It's not gonna take any effort from you.
I've already been recording our conversations because they're hilarious, by the way.
Thank you.
I mean, you're naturally funny, but you don't really understand when you're not you don't get it, but you're, like - No, I understand.
- You're a character.
I'm not a character.
I'm a human being, and human beings don't behave that way.
You don't just tape a conversation with someone that they're not aware that it's being recorded.
And then, what? You want to post it? I'm glad you're asking my permission first.
The answer is no.
Well, I don't really care, actually, what you have to say.
I'm gonna put it up anyway.
You can't can you do that? - You can't, can you? - I can do whatever I want.
You can? Without my per and I can sue, can I not? - Well, you can try to find me.
- Really? You don't even know where I am right now.
Well, there there's an IP address.
I mean, there are ways of finding Like you know what an IP address is.
Well, I'm not I'm not from another planet.
Okay, what is my IP address? Well, I don't know what it is, but I can hire an expert who could find out, some forensic technologist who will find out what it is.
'Kay, well.
Well, I'm kind of surprised you don't want to be on it, because I can tell you're looking for promotion for your little therapy sessions.
It's going very well, thank you.
It's going well enough, thank you, without your the 20 people that you have watching you.
- I'm doing fine.
- Well, we actually I actually have more than 20 people.
Oh, do you? I have a hundred and, well, I've had - That's a lot.
But it - I mean, it's what is it, like, one person watching 100 times? 'Cause it could be.
But it's still a lot.
Well, yeah, I mean, it could be one person watching 100 times, but then that's still, like, a few million people watching.
Right, and then all the so you've got a lot of subscribers.
- Thank you.
- Is that two that's a two? - Two, yes.
- Point Oh, so you wanted to post our conversation? Maybe we should do a session, and you could post that, and I'd be happy to to provide you with that.
That's I'd be honored to help you.
Don't worry, what you're doing what you've already done is gr perfect.
What are you worried about? Are you recording this too? - I am.
- Oh.
How do you feel right now, being in front of millions of people? Well, you know, I'm I'm so happy to be of service, is all, you know? And so I you know, I'm I'm eager for all of you to find out more about me as a therapist and come get help.
- That's great, so can I - I'll answer any question.
Perfect.
Uh, can I just ask right away? - Anything.
- Perfect, okay.
Uh, how old are you? Oh, well, I'm Oh, shit, she froze.
Fuck.
Whew, thank God for that.
- Hi.
- Oh.
Hello, April.
Hi, Fiona, hi.
I was looking for Kip.
Oh, Kip, Kip.
Kip isn't here.
Kip is doing a little shopping.
I needed a cocktail dress for tonight, last-minute dinner party.
They drive me a little crazy, but I'm okay with it.
I'm s I'm so confused.
I thought you were fired.
I'm not fired anymore.
- Oh.
- No.
So you're still there.
I am, and I have to say that you're the person I need to thank.
Wait a minute.
So but you're still with him? You mean with him, with him, with him? - Yes.
- Yes, I am.
I am.
We're very happy.
It's really working out well.
I and I I've really been meaning to say thank you to you.
- Well, you're wel - because you're my hero.
I'm not gonna say you're welcome.
You inspired me.
You inspired me to go for what I want, and I did go for it, and then I got what I wanted, and and I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm I'm I'm a winner.
Yes, you won a gay man prize.
Oh, no, no.
He is very attracted to women, and he's very attracted to me.
It's just that he wasn't very attracted to ee-dee-dee-ee.
Oh, you almost said it.
Oops.
I I didn't mean it.
It Such a sweet girl saying such unkind things.
I-I really didn't mean it.
I'm so sorry.
I hate to be unkind.
It wasn't the way I meant it.
It's just that something Okay, well, the Kip that I know is gay.
Let's just leave it at that.
Okay, okay, we can leave it at that if that's what you want to think.
I'm trying to help you, all right? Your situation is precarious.
'Cause I'll tell you another thing who's my mother is not going to approve of this situation.
- Oh, you you mean Putsy? - Yes.
- I love Putsy.
Putsy is - You've met her? Oh, yeah, she's been to the new apartment a couple of times; She said What new apartment? Whose new apartment? Well, it's it's not really a big deal.
We just upgraded the apartments.
You know, we're doing a lot of business.
We're having a lot of people there, and and we just thought it would be nice, you know.
It's 3,000 square feet.
It has a wine cellar.
It's a beautiful wine cellar, fully stocked, and the jacuzzi is is amazing.
I-I think it really helps Kippy think better.
It makes him a better judge.
- It's very, very nice.
- Mm.
Putsy liked it too.
The three of you took a jacuzzi together? Well, it Putsy wore her bathing suit.
You know, we're getting along so well.
She actually and I always well up when this part comes.
She told me that I am like the daughter she never had.
But But she has you know she has two daughters, right? - And it really moves me.
- Okay.
All right, so now you're hosting dinners and entertaining people, and you've basically replaced me? Okay, she she has a plan, and I-I think it's only fair that we share the plan with you - because it involves you.
- What's happened? The plan is, is that we'll be very discreet.
Okay.
Good to know.
Um, we're gonna keep it all a secret, and then the minute he gets to the supreme court, we're gonna get married.
You're gonna be out, and we're gonna get married.
And I'm really sorry to be the one to tell you about that.
I hope it but you don't care, so it doesn't matter.
No, why would I care? You can say out, but maybe I would say free.
Yeah, you're right.
I used the wrong word.
It's not out.
You're just gonna be free.
Yes, to be with someone else.
Speaking of free, what about your fiance? Remember him, Phil? Phil.
Phil, wow, yeah.
I should probably call him and let him know the plan as well.
That would be nice.
- Yeah, I forgot about Phil.
- Okay, you know what? I'm gonna say something now, all right? Because I want you to know that I'm tired of one thing, okay? Oh.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I'm getting a reminder.
Oh, dear.
Oh, what is it? Oh, it's your birthday next week.
I guess I'm going to have to get busy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I interrupted you.
- What were you saying? - Yes.
You were saying something about being tired? Yes, I'm I was going to say - that I'm very tired of diamonds.
- Oh.
And I think rubies are far more interesting.
- Rubies? - Set in gold.
Rubies set in gold.
Even with your complexion? - Okay, sorry, I did that wrong.
- Let's start again.
- No, it no one's in trouble.
- Well.
No, I know when I'm in trouble, all right? You're perverted.
Yeah.
You're wack.
- You look perfect now.
- Okay.
You look absolutely perfect.
Centered.
And I look good, I guess? You look okay.
That's all right.
We c - She looks good.
- Oh, good.
She had the makeover.
This is our blooper reel.