American Housewife (2016) s04e10 Episode Script
The Bromance Before Christmas
1 I know it's Christmas, Mom, but I think you have to stay home with Dad.
He needs you to take care of him right now.
I'm sad, too.
Bye, Mom.
[Cellphone thuds.]
What's with the happy dance? Remember how my dad's foot surgery was supposed to be healed by now? It did, but great news.
The bone set wrong, and they had to rebreak it.
How lucky is that? You're a regular Clara Barton.
It's not an insult if I don't know who you're talking about.
- True.
- I'm gonna miss my dad, but with my mother not being here, I will finally be able to make my Nana's Bavarian Meat Tree with Taylor.
What are you signing me up for? It's this tradition I always did with her.
It's a mini Christmas tree made of sausage, lunch meats, and meatballs.
For Christmas this year, I want to not do that.
You're gonna love it so much! If it's so great, then why'd you stop doing it? After Nana died, my mother banned it.
With your parents not coming and my parents not coming, - it's just gonna be us.
- Mm.
You still haven't talked to Grandpa? It's been two years.
Well, since he told me he had a second family in England and I have a brother that I've never met also named Greg Are we allowed to laugh at that yet? No! Anyway, I haven't really been in the mood to call up my parents and see what's shakin'.
I'm sorry, Dad.
It's a little weird that it's Christmas and there's no other family coming.
It's kind of depressing, actually.
All I know is, less relatives means less gifts.
You mean "fewer" relatives means "fewer" gifts.
Hey, Dad? Literally no one cares.
Speaking of gifts, I got you the perfect Greg Otto gift this year.
I put a lot of thought into it.
I didn't just give you the Starbucks gift card that I forgot to give Anna-Kat's teacher.
I can't wait.
Maybe this won't be so bad.
Maybe less family means less drama.
Don't you mean "fewer" family means "fewer" drama? - ANNA-KAT: Oliver, no! I made that! - OLIVER: Get out of my face! Oliver, what did you do? He broke the chimney off my gingerbread house.
It's food! I built that with Dad! You wrecked the whole ventilation system.
There's a vanilla wafer furnace! Stop ruining our drama-free Christmas! Now, go upstairs and do something together.
Without fighting, or Christmas is canceled! Remember what we said about making threats we can't follow through on? Who are you to talk? You potty-trained all three of them by threatening if they didn't stop using diapers, Elmo would quit show business.
04x10 - The Bromance Before Christmas Hey, Mom.
One sec.
I'm tracking Dad's surprise Christmas gift.
It's exactly what he needs this year.
Don't ask what it is, because I'm not going to tell you.
I won't, because I have zero interest.
I'll tell you if you guess.
Fine.
Uh surfboard? That was a terrible guess.
It was better when you didn't even care.
Ehh.
This is so much meat! I know! I'm handing down the family meat-tree tradition.
I can't believe this is what I inherit.
Don't you have any jewelry? No, you get a meat tree.
I'm sorry I ate your chimney, so let me make it up to you.
Wait.
This is where Mom and Dad hide all our presents? In their closet? Not smart.
Nope.
We are fighting an uphill battle genetically.
Mine.
Taylor's.
Yours.
Feels like another junior-executive pencil set.
What part of "I'll just take the cash" do they not understand? Oh, this unwrapped one has no card.
It's probably for me.
Says who? I do! [Clank.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, no! We broke Mom's serving platter.
Mom uses it every Christmas.
We're so dead.
No one has to know.
I can fix this.
How? It's completely broken.
Do you know how many things I've broken in this house and glued back together with no one noticing? I can fix this thing.
No problem.
I don't think I could handle seeing the disappointed look on Mom's face if she found out we broke it.
That would kill me.
That's the beauty there's no guilt.
Because I do such a great job at fixing things, there are never any consequences.
Have you ever broken anything of mine and not told me? Never.
I don't believe you.
Clever girl.
[Sighs.]
This is so nasty.
I can't get the meat rolls to stick.
I know.
My grandmother made it look easy.
- But we're making memories.
- Not good ones.
[Doorbell rings.]
Nobody get the door except Dad! Greg! Your present's here! Maybe it's Amazon with the "Big Book of Shakespearean Insults" I asked for.
"Methink'st thou art a general offense and every man should beat thee"! [Chuckles.]
Okay.
[British accent.]
Hello.
Are you Greg Otto? Yeah.
- I'm Greg Otto, too.
- What's that, now? Greg, this is Greg, your half-brother from your father's secret family all the way from England.
I told you I got you the perfect Greg Otto gift! You're my half-brother.
But I'm going to give you a full hug.
[Sleigh bells jingle.]
[Whispering.]
I said I wanted the Shakespeare book.
Shakespeare! Brother! So, I bet you're wondering how all of this happened, Greg.
No, it's pretty clear how this happened.
I met a cute girl when I was a TA, and now I'm here.
A few weeks back, I found out from Father that I have a long-lost brother in the Colonies.
That means America.
Everyone knows that.
Well, that's where you're wrong, Oliver, because I don't know that.
Look at you, making me feel stupid.
Well, as luck would have it, when I tracked you down, your lovely wife happened to answer the phone.
That was lucky.
I'm a lucky guy.
While we spoke, I mentioned I was coming to lecture at Yale.
And I said, "Let's keep this a secret and have you come over as a surprise gift for Christmas.
" British Gregs are flying off the shelves this year.
[Laughter.]
[Forced chuckle.]
It's so cool we have a British uncle.
Here.
What's this called? A biscuit.
Aw, man, that is not what we call it here at all.
[Chuckles.]
Chiseled face, charming accent.
Would it be okay if I called you "Dad"? Oliver! Shh, Greg.
I'm talking to my dad.
So, uh how did it come up with Father that you have a brother? He told me while he was in London for the Charles Dickens Holiday Festival.
We've gone together every year since I was a boy.
How nice.
The only place he ever took me was the travel agent so that he could buy his plane tickets [Gasps.]
to England.
Ah.
Interesting tidbit not only are you both professors, but you're both authors, too.
That's right.
Greg, I read your John Stuart Mill book on the plane.
I absolutely loved it.
Thank you.
[Whispering.]
You need to say something to him right now.
Talk to him.
Say something! What's your book about? Books, technically.
It's a series of novels about the Norman Conquest.
A series? Wow.
I mean, don't feel obligated to read it.
It's a lot.
Uh, just wait for it to come out in theaters.
Unless you don't like George Clooney.
Then just skip it.
Dad, this is crazy.
Uncle Greg is exactly like you, only the way-better version.
What an astute observation, son.
No, seriously.
He's Restoration Hardware, and you're whatever discount brand this couch is.
Katie, could you help me change the toner on the printer? Why don't you ask Oliver It needs to be you, and it needs to be now.
Is? So, if you're looking for the bathroom, what do you say? "Which way to the loo?" Amazing.
Clear your Monday.
- I'm taking you to show-and-tell.
- Ah, okay.
Just wondering out loud, but what made you think for the holidays, I would want a visit from my father's illegitimate love child? Well, I asked Doris and Angela, and they said I definitely should.
- Definitely don't do that.
- That is the worst idea I've ever heard.
Mm you know what? I'm gonna do it.
I just thought it would be nice for you to have more family in your life since you stopped talking to your parents.
I don't need more family in my life, and I don't need you meddling in my business.
That's a wife's job.
I'm mucking around in your pond.
- What? - Your pond.
Your emotional pond.
- What does that mean? - On the surface, a pond is still and tranquil.
You got to get down to the bottom and bring all the bad stuff up.
Why would you want to do that?! To heal? I don't know.
I don't write the Lifetime movies, Greg.
I just watch them.
Now, listen I love you, and I'm trying to help you.
So go out there and appreciate it.
Fine.
But for the record, are we really sure he is who he says he is? He could be grifting us.
I'll be sure to lock up our collection of ketchup packets.
Look! Uncle Greg figured out how to make the meat rolls stick.
I spent a little time in Bavaria.
I know my way around a meat tree.
What were you doing there? I guess just being handsome and younger than me.
Looks good.
Fan me.
[Click, whirring.]
- What do we do now? - We'll wait for it to dry.
In the meantime, we'll go downstairs and act natural.
I don't like lying to Mom.
It's not a lie.
It's a cover-up.
Like how the moon landing was filmed on a soundstage in Arizona? The Internet is not good for you.
- KATIE: I'm just grabbing Nana's platter.
- [Click, whirring stops.]
Then I'm coming right back to meat tree it up! She's coming up for the platter.
We're so busted! Relax.
We'll do that thing where we fight in front of her and she gets annoyed and then forgets what she was gonna do in the first place.
[Drawer opens.]
Follow me.
Mom, Oliver ate all the M&M's out of my giant Christmas candy cane.
I didn't see your name on it! My name is literally written on it in huge, green, sparkly letters! - Well, maybe if you - Hey, can you guys please stop? All I want for Christmas is for you two to get along.
Is that too much to ask? - No.
- No.
Thank you.
Wait.
Why did I come up here? To ask us to come downstairs and visit more with Uncle Greg? Oh, right! Don't take long.
Whoa.
You just controlled her mind.
You're like that fungus that gets into an ant's brain, then makes the ant climb to the top of a tree and then blows up the ant's head so the fungal spores go all over the forest.
Yeah, I guess I am.
Oh.
Hey.
Hope you don't mind.
Just snooping around your office a bit.
Ah, these photos of your family are lovely.
All I have on my walls are degrees and awards.
- [Chuckles.]
- Yeah.
We all get it.
You're the more successful brother.
Congrats.
What? Oh, no, you've got it all wrong.
You've got the lovely wife and the three amazing kids.
I'm all alone.
No, you're the more successful brother.
I am? That's why I came to America so quickly when I found out I had a sibling.
I mean, the one thing I've always wanted is a family.
You never married? No, just a series of vapid models, bouncing around from nimble woman to nimble woman, most of them half my age.
Let's move on from your sad love life.
But you understand the importance of family.
That's why I'm sure you would've tracked me down as soon as you found out about me, but Katie cooked up this little surprise instead.
- [Door opens, closes.]
- Yeah.
O-Of course.
I-I would've come running.
KATIE: Greg! Can you come in here, please? - Coming.
- Coming.
Oh, that's probably you.
KATIE: Look who's here, Greg my mother.
What a surprise.
Yeah, well, uh, Greg called me and said how much you missed me, so I just stuffed your father with the loose pills I found at the bottom of my purse and came right over.
Oh, that is so sweet of him.
Greg, can you come in the office and help me check on the printer toner again? - Katie, I can - We're low on magenta, Greg.
We're low.
Happy Christmas.
I have no idea who you are, but I have a feeling you know how to make a rum hot toddy.
- That, I do.
- All right, then.
Oh, my God.
A meat tree? I thought I buried that tradition with my mother.
Um, what the hell, Greg? Let me explain.
When I invited your mom, it was in retaliation to you inviting my brother without asking me.
But in the meantime and here's the funny twist my brother and I had a really nice moment, and I realized you were right.
I am super mad at you.
But real quick what am I right about? I do regret not calling my brother for two years.
My pond needed to be mucked.
Maybe yours does, too.
Maybe me revenge-inviting your mom was a good thing.
I just wanted to bond with Taylor, and now my mother is going to ruin it.
In the future, leave the mucking to the professionals.
[Piano plays.]
You better watch out, you better not cry You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why Santa Claus Wow.
He plays the piano, too.
He has a very sad, lonely life.
Santa Claus is comin' To toooooooooooown [Laughter.]
What a nice Christmas this is turning out to be.
I'm just thrilled to be with family this year.
KATHRYN: Oh, Greg, your brother is fabulous.
Why did it take you two years to get in touch with him? Pardon? Yeah, yeah, two years ago Thanksgiving, Greg's mother let it slip that his dad had a second family.
Ugh.
It was so uncomfortable.
And everybody was miserable.
I loved it.
[Chuckles.]
You knew about me two years ago and never thought to call? It's complicated, Greg.
You lied to me, Greg.
That makes you no better than Dad.
Uh, I need some air.
KATHRYN: Ooh.
- [Door opens.]
- This could give that Thanksgiving - a run for its money.
- [Door closes.]
Now I see why you didn't want your mother here for Christmas.
Wait, w You You didn't want me here? Then why did he call me and say that you did? He invited you here to get back at me for inviting his brother without asking him.
Oh, so this was a spite invite? Just for that, I am staying for two weeks.
I didn't know you didn't want to see your brother, but you knew I didn't want to see my mother.
[Scoffs.]
I'm staying three weeks, and I'm wearing the shorty robe.
[Gasps.]
[Both sigh.]
There goes the drama-free Christmas we wanted.
Worst part is, it's all our fault.
Should've just gotten you the flashlight I saw on Facebook.
It also can break a windshield if you drive into a lake.
Smart.
I'm gonna go out front and wait for my brother.
You go deal with your mom.
Why are the holidays about family? Why can't it just be about Chinese food and going to the movies? Should we become Jewish? I don't know.
Maybe.
Ehh.
[Katie sighs.]
[Door closes.]
- Hi, Mom.
- I get it.
You hate me.
Is it because I missed most of your birthday parties? Or because I made out with your boyfriend in high school? - Because I told you - Mom, I know.
He kissed you, and you were just being polite.
Exactly.
You're making this very hard for me to say I'm sorry about all this.
Well, why didn't you want me to come to Christmas Eve dinner? I knew you would get in the way of me doing my thing with Taylor.
You tend to be somewhat judgmental.
Oh, stop it.
I [Sniffs.]
Oh.
Where'd you get this wine? The car wash? [Chuckles.]
I see.
Building this with Taylor this year was just too important for you to mess up.
Well, why is this year so important? Because next year, she's going off to college, and this is her last Christmas at home.
So? She'll be back.
I told you I'd come back, and I never did.
Yeah, but why would you come back? I mean, I was a terrible mother.
You're not.
You take an interest in Taylor's life.
[Sighs.]
She'll be back.
You think? Trust me.
Uh my Spam angel isn't exactly turning out.
Don't worry about it.
- Meat tree is off.
- Yes! You're the best mom.
How about we start a new tradition that's not nauseating? Something that the three of us can do together.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
We could build a snowman.
I don't think Grandma wants to stand out in the freezing cold, honey.
Actually, Grandma has her own holiday tradition that keeps her very warm.
[Chuckles.]
Mm.
What are we gonna do with this? [Whimpers.]
Even he thinks it's gross.
It's not Christmas without Nana's platter, Mom.
That's what I went upstairs for.
Thank you, sweetie.
[Gasps.]
What the hell? That platter survived two world wars and Lee Majors' Christmas Bacchanalia.
[Both sigh.]
I can't believe I did this.
Mom, it wasn't your fault.
You didn't break the platter.
We did.
ANNA-KAT: We glued it back together, but we didn't let it dry long enough.
I can't believe the two of you did this.
Anna-Kat was there, but I convinced her to cover it up.
Oliver, you are in so much troub To be fair, Mom, all you wanted for Christmas was for us to get along, and look at us.
So you're saying you worked together to deceive me, and that's how you got along? - Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Okay.
But because of this, you two are going to repair it so that Taylor can inherit it.
You seriously don't have one piece of jewelry to give me? Mnh-mnh.
It's pretty cold out here for a walk.
You've been gone a while.
"Blow, blow, thou winter wind, thou art not so unkind as man's ingratitude.
" I deserve that.
Nothing stings quite as much as a good Shakespearean burn.
I'm sorry I didn't try and find you as soon as Dad told me I had a brother.
I think I was still angry with him, and I took it out on you.
Yeah, I can see that.
Now that I've met you, I understand why he never approved of anything I did.
He had another son he approved of you.
That's not really the truth, Greg.
I was sent away to boarding school when I was 7.
Dad saw me two weeks a year.
I now realize that's 'cause he was here the rest of the year with you.
He was, but he took absolutely no interest in me.
Ah.
So I guess we were both neglected, just in different ways.
It's funny you're the only other person who knows what it's like to have our father.
And who knows the crazy sound he makes after he sneezes.
BOTH: Achoo-floo-floo! - What is that? - [Chuckling.]
I don't know.
- [Sighs.]
- So brothers? Ah, brothers.
[Grunts.]
[Chuckles.]
I think it's time we show these kids how to have a real snowball fight! Come on, American Greg! So, Dad never taught you to throw a ball, either? - No, he did not.
- Mm.
Let's get 'em! [Laughter, screaming.]
[Laughter.]
- It is? - Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
[Laughter.]
You want to cock it back - Okay.
- step, throw.
[Indistinct talking.]
[Camera clicks.]
When everyone's asleep, let's add our gifts to Santa's.
Now that I have a brother, we have so much brother stuff to catch up on.
I'm glad that you're excited that you have a brother.
I am.
I'm glad you mucked in my pond.
Thank you, honey.
Uh, quick question.
I know that Taylor is, but is Oliver of drinking age? None of the kids are old enough to drink.
Right.
I knew that.
Kids, bad news! [Groans.]
Next time, Greg, just drown me in the pond.
Hark! The herald angels sing "Glory to the newborn King Peace on Earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled" Joyful, all ye nations rise Join the triumph of the skies With angelic hosts proclaim "Christ is born in Bethlehem" Hark! The herald a Oliver.
He needs you to take care of him right now.
I'm sad, too.
Bye, Mom.
[Cellphone thuds.]
What's with the happy dance? Remember how my dad's foot surgery was supposed to be healed by now? It did, but great news.
The bone set wrong, and they had to rebreak it.
How lucky is that? You're a regular Clara Barton.
It's not an insult if I don't know who you're talking about.
- True.
- I'm gonna miss my dad, but with my mother not being here, I will finally be able to make my Nana's Bavarian Meat Tree with Taylor.
What are you signing me up for? It's this tradition I always did with her.
It's a mini Christmas tree made of sausage, lunch meats, and meatballs.
For Christmas this year, I want to not do that.
You're gonna love it so much! If it's so great, then why'd you stop doing it? After Nana died, my mother banned it.
With your parents not coming and my parents not coming, - it's just gonna be us.
- Mm.
You still haven't talked to Grandpa? It's been two years.
Well, since he told me he had a second family in England and I have a brother that I've never met also named Greg Are we allowed to laugh at that yet? No! Anyway, I haven't really been in the mood to call up my parents and see what's shakin'.
I'm sorry, Dad.
It's a little weird that it's Christmas and there's no other family coming.
It's kind of depressing, actually.
All I know is, less relatives means less gifts.
You mean "fewer" relatives means "fewer" gifts.
Hey, Dad? Literally no one cares.
Speaking of gifts, I got you the perfect Greg Otto gift this year.
I put a lot of thought into it.
I didn't just give you the Starbucks gift card that I forgot to give Anna-Kat's teacher.
I can't wait.
Maybe this won't be so bad.
Maybe less family means less drama.
Don't you mean "fewer" family means "fewer" drama? - ANNA-KAT: Oliver, no! I made that! - OLIVER: Get out of my face! Oliver, what did you do? He broke the chimney off my gingerbread house.
It's food! I built that with Dad! You wrecked the whole ventilation system.
There's a vanilla wafer furnace! Stop ruining our drama-free Christmas! Now, go upstairs and do something together.
Without fighting, or Christmas is canceled! Remember what we said about making threats we can't follow through on? Who are you to talk? You potty-trained all three of them by threatening if they didn't stop using diapers, Elmo would quit show business.
04x10 - The Bromance Before Christmas Hey, Mom.
One sec.
I'm tracking Dad's surprise Christmas gift.
It's exactly what he needs this year.
Don't ask what it is, because I'm not going to tell you.
I won't, because I have zero interest.
I'll tell you if you guess.
Fine.
Uh surfboard? That was a terrible guess.
It was better when you didn't even care.
Ehh.
This is so much meat! I know! I'm handing down the family meat-tree tradition.
I can't believe this is what I inherit.
Don't you have any jewelry? No, you get a meat tree.
I'm sorry I ate your chimney, so let me make it up to you.
Wait.
This is where Mom and Dad hide all our presents? In their closet? Not smart.
Nope.
We are fighting an uphill battle genetically.
Mine.
Taylor's.
Yours.
Feels like another junior-executive pencil set.
What part of "I'll just take the cash" do they not understand? Oh, this unwrapped one has no card.
It's probably for me.
Says who? I do! [Clank.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, no! We broke Mom's serving platter.
Mom uses it every Christmas.
We're so dead.
No one has to know.
I can fix this.
How? It's completely broken.
Do you know how many things I've broken in this house and glued back together with no one noticing? I can fix this thing.
No problem.
I don't think I could handle seeing the disappointed look on Mom's face if she found out we broke it.
That would kill me.
That's the beauty there's no guilt.
Because I do such a great job at fixing things, there are never any consequences.
Have you ever broken anything of mine and not told me? Never.
I don't believe you.
Clever girl.
[Sighs.]
This is so nasty.
I can't get the meat rolls to stick.
I know.
My grandmother made it look easy.
- But we're making memories.
- Not good ones.
[Doorbell rings.]
Nobody get the door except Dad! Greg! Your present's here! Maybe it's Amazon with the "Big Book of Shakespearean Insults" I asked for.
"Methink'st thou art a general offense and every man should beat thee"! [Chuckles.]
Okay.
[British accent.]
Hello.
Are you Greg Otto? Yeah.
- I'm Greg Otto, too.
- What's that, now? Greg, this is Greg, your half-brother from your father's secret family all the way from England.
I told you I got you the perfect Greg Otto gift! You're my half-brother.
But I'm going to give you a full hug.
[Sleigh bells jingle.]
[Whispering.]
I said I wanted the Shakespeare book.
Shakespeare! Brother! So, I bet you're wondering how all of this happened, Greg.
No, it's pretty clear how this happened.
I met a cute girl when I was a TA, and now I'm here.
A few weeks back, I found out from Father that I have a long-lost brother in the Colonies.
That means America.
Everyone knows that.
Well, that's where you're wrong, Oliver, because I don't know that.
Look at you, making me feel stupid.
Well, as luck would have it, when I tracked you down, your lovely wife happened to answer the phone.
That was lucky.
I'm a lucky guy.
While we spoke, I mentioned I was coming to lecture at Yale.
And I said, "Let's keep this a secret and have you come over as a surprise gift for Christmas.
" British Gregs are flying off the shelves this year.
[Laughter.]
[Forced chuckle.]
It's so cool we have a British uncle.
Here.
What's this called? A biscuit.
Aw, man, that is not what we call it here at all.
[Chuckles.]
Chiseled face, charming accent.
Would it be okay if I called you "Dad"? Oliver! Shh, Greg.
I'm talking to my dad.
So, uh how did it come up with Father that you have a brother? He told me while he was in London for the Charles Dickens Holiday Festival.
We've gone together every year since I was a boy.
How nice.
The only place he ever took me was the travel agent so that he could buy his plane tickets [Gasps.]
to England.
Ah.
Interesting tidbit not only are you both professors, but you're both authors, too.
That's right.
Greg, I read your John Stuart Mill book on the plane.
I absolutely loved it.
Thank you.
[Whispering.]
You need to say something to him right now.
Talk to him.
Say something! What's your book about? Books, technically.
It's a series of novels about the Norman Conquest.
A series? Wow.
I mean, don't feel obligated to read it.
It's a lot.
Uh, just wait for it to come out in theaters.
Unless you don't like George Clooney.
Then just skip it.
Dad, this is crazy.
Uncle Greg is exactly like you, only the way-better version.
What an astute observation, son.
No, seriously.
He's Restoration Hardware, and you're whatever discount brand this couch is.
Katie, could you help me change the toner on the printer? Why don't you ask Oliver It needs to be you, and it needs to be now.
Is? So, if you're looking for the bathroom, what do you say? "Which way to the loo?" Amazing.
Clear your Monday.
- I'm taking you to show-and-tell.
- Ah, okay.
Just wondering out loud, but what made you think for the holidays, I would want a visit from my father's illegitimate love child? Well, I asked Doris and Angela, and they said I definitely should.
- Definitely don't do that.
- That is the worst idea I've ever heard.
Mm you know what? I'm gonna do it.
I just thought it would be nice for you to have more family in your life since you stopped talking to your parents.
I don't need more family in my life, and I don't need you meddling in my business.
That's a wife's job.
I'm mucking around in your pond.
- What? - Your pond.
Your emotional pond.
- What does that mean? - On the surface, a pond is still and tranquil.
You got to get down to the bottom and bring all the bad stuff up.
Why would you want to do that?! To heal? I don't know.
I don't write the Lifetime movies, Greg.
I just watch them.
Now, listen I love you, and I'm trying to help you.
So go out there and appreciate it.
Fine.
But for the record, are we really sure he is who he says he is? He could be grifting us.
I'll be sure to lock up our collection of ketchup packets.
Look! Uncle Greg figured out how to make the meat rolls stick.
I spent a little time in Bavaria.
I know my way around a meat tree.
What were you doing there? I guess just being handsome and younger than me.
Looks good.
Fan me.
[Click, whirring.]
- What do we do now? - We'll wait for it to dry.
In the meantime, we'll go downstairs and act natural.
I don't like lying to Mom.
It's not a lie.
It's a cover-up.
Like how the moon landing was filmed on a soundstage in Arizona? The Internet is not good for you.
- KATIE: I'm just grabbing Nana's platter.
- [Click, whirring stops.]
Then I'm coming right back to meat tree it up! She's coming up for the platter.
We're so busted! Relax.
We'll do that thing where we fight in front of her and she gets annoyed and then forgets what she was gonna do in the first place.
[Drawer opens.]
Follow me.
Mom, Oliver ate all the M&M's out of my giant Christmas candy cane.
I didn't see your name on it! My name is literally written on it in huge, green, sparkly letters! - Well, maybe if you - Hey, can you guys please stop? All I want for Christmas is for you two to get along.
Is that too much to ask? - No.
- No.
Thank you.
Wait.
Why did I come up here? To ask us to come downstairs and visit more with Uncle Greg? Oh, right! Don't take long.
Whoa.
You just controlled her mind.
You're like that fungus that gets into an ant's brain, then makes the ant climb to the top of a tree and then blows up the ant's head so the fungal spores go all over the forest.
Yeah, I guess I am.
Oh.
Hey.
Hope you don't mind.
Just snooping around your office a bit.
Ah, these photos of your family are lovely.
All I have on my walls are degrees and awards.
- [Chuckles.]
- Yeah.
We all get it.
You're the more successful brother.
Congrats.
What? Oh, no, you've got it all wrong.
You've got the lovely wife and the three amazing kids.
I'm all alone.
No, you're the more successful brother.
I am? That's why I came to America so quickly when I found out I had a sibling.
I mean, the one thing I've always wanted is a family.
You never married? No, just a series of vapid models, bouncing around from nimble woman to nimble woman, most of them half my age.
Let's move on from your sad love life.
But you understand the importance of family.
That's why I'm sure you would've tracked me down as soon as you found out about me, but Katie cooked up this little surprise instead.
- [Door opens, closes.]
- Yeah.
O-Of course.
I-I would've come running.
KATIE: Greg! Can you come in here, please? - Coming.
- Coming.
Oh, that's probably you.
KATIE: Look who's here, Greg my mother.
What a surprise.
Yeah, well, uh, Greg called me and said how much you missed me, so I just stuffed your father with the loose pills I found at the bottom of my purse and came right over.
Oh, that is so sweet of him.
Greg, can you come in the office and help me check on the printer toner again? - Katie, I can - We're low on magenta, Greg.
We're low.
Happy Christmas.
I have no idea who you are, but I have a feeling you know how to make a rum hot toddy.
- That, I do.
- All right, then.
Oh, my God.
A meat tree? I thought I buried that tradition with my mother.
Um, what the hell, Greg? Let me explain.
When I invited your mom, it was in retaliation to you inviting my brother without asking me.
But in the meantime and here's the funny twist my brother and I had a really nice moment, and I realized you were right.
I am super mad at you.
But real quick what am I right about? I do regret not calling my brother for two years.
My pond needed to be mucked.
Maybe yours does, too.
Maybe me revenge-inviting your mom was a good thing.
I just wanted to bond with Taylor, and now my mother is going to ruin it.
In the future, leave the mucking to the professionals.
[Piano plays.]
You better watch out, you better not cry You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why Santa Claus Wow.
He plays the piano, too.
He has a very sad, lonely life.
Santa Claus is comin' To toooooooooooown [Laughter.]
What a nice Christmas this is turning out to be.
I'm just thrilled to be with family this year.
KATHRYN: Oh, Greg, your brother is fabulous.
Why did it take you two years to get in touch with him? Pardon? Yeah, yeah, two years ago Thanksgiving, Greg's mother let it slip that his dad had a second family.
Ugh.
It was so uncomfortable.
And everybody was miserable.
I loved it.
[Chuckles.]
You knew about me two years ago and never thought to call? It's complicated, Greg.
You lied to me, Greg.
That makes you no better than Dad.
Uh, I need some air.
KATHRYN: Ooh.
- [Door opens.]
- This could give that Thanksgiving - a run for its money.
- [Door closes.]
Now I see why you didn't want your mother here for Christmas.
Wait, w You You didn't want me here? Then why did he call me and say that you did? He invited you here to get back at me for inviting his brother without asking him.
Oh, so this was a spite invite? Just for that, I am staying for two weeks.
I didn't know you didn't want to see your brother, but you knew I didn't want to see my mother.
[Scoffs.]
I'm staying three weeks, and I'm wearing the shorty robe.
[Gasps.]
[Both sigh.]
There goes the drama-free Christmas we wanted.
Worst part is, it's all our fault.
Should've just gotten you the flashlight I saw on Facebook.
It also can break a windshield if you drive into a lake.
Smart.
I'm gonna go out front and wait for my brother.
You go deal with your mom.
Why are the holidays about family? Why can't it just be about Chinese food and going to the movies? Should we become Jewish? I don't know.
Maybe.
Ehh.
[Katie sighs.]
[Door closes.]
- Hi, Mom.
- I get it.
You hate me.
Is it because I missed most of your birthday parties? Or because I made out with your boyfriend in high school? - Because I told you - Mom, I know.
He kissed you, and you were just being polite.
Exactly.
You're making this very hard for me to say I'm sorry about all this.
Well, why didn't you want me to come to Christmas Eve dinner? I knew you would get in the way of me doing my thing with Taylor.
You tend to be somewhat judgmental.
Oh, stop it.
I [Sniffs.]
Oh.
Where'd you get this wine? The car wash? [Chuckles.]
I see.
Building this with Taylor this year was just too important for you to mess up.
Well, why is this year so important? Because next year, she's going off to college, and this is her last Christmas at home.
So? She'll be back.
I told you I'd come back, and I never did.
Yeah, but why would you come back? I mean, I was a terrible mother.
You're not.
You take an interest in Taylor's life.
[Sighs.]
She'll be back.
You think? Trust me.
Uh my Spam angel isn't exactly turning out.
Don't worry about it.
- Meat tree is off.
- Yes! You're the best mom.
How about we start a new tradition that's not nauseating? Something that the three of us can do together.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
We could build a snowman.
I don't think Grandma wants to stand out in the freezing cold, honey.
Actually, Grandma has her own holiday tradition that keeps her very warm.
[Chuckles.]
Mm.
What are we gonna do with this? [Whimpers.]
Even he thinks it's gross.
It's not Christmas without Nana's platter, Mom.
That's what I went upstairs for.
Thank you, sweetie.
[Gasps.]
What the hell? That platter survived two world wars and Lee Majors' Christmas Bacchanalia.
[Both sigh.]
I can't believe I did this.
Mom, it wasn't your fault.
You didn't break the platter.
We did.
ANNA-KAT: We glued it back together, but we didn't let it dry long enough.
I can't believe the two of you did this.
Anna-Kat was there, but I convinced her to cover it up.
Oliver, you are in so much troub To be fair, Mom, all you wanted for Christmas was for us to get along, and look at us.
So you're saying you worked together to deceive me, and that's how you got along? - Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Okay.
But because of this, you two are going to repair it so that Taylor can inherit it.
You seriously don't have one piece of jewelry to give me? Mnh-mnh.
It's pretty cold out here for a walk.
You've been gone a while.
"Blow, blow, thou winter wind, thou art not so unkind as man's ingratitude.
" I deserve that.
Nothing stings quite as much as a good Shakespearean burn.
I'm sorry I didn't try and find you as soon as Dad told me I had a brother.
I think I was still angry with him, and I took it out on you.
Yeah, I can see that.
Now that I've met you, I understand why he never approved of anything I did.
He had another son he approved of you.
That's not really the truth, Greg.
I was sent away to boarding school when I was 7.
Dad saw me two weeks a year.
I now realize that's 'cause he was here the rest of the year with you.
He was, but he took absolutely no interest in me.
Ah.
So I guess we were both neglected, just in different ways.
It's funny you're the only other person who knows what it's like to have our father.
And who knows the crazy sound he makes after he sneezes.
BOTH: Achoo-floo-floo! - What is that? - [Chuckling.]
I don't know.
- [Sighs.]
- So brothers? Ah, brothers.
[Grunts.]
[Chuckles.]
I think it's time we show these kids how to have a real snowball fight! Come on, American Greg! So, Dad never taught you to throw a ball, either? - No, he did not.
- Mm.
Let's get 'em! [Laughter, screaming.]
[Laughter.]
- It is? - Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
[Laughter.]
You want to cock it back - Okay.
- step, throw.
[Indistinct talking.]
[Camera clicks.]
When everyone's asleep, let's add our gifts to Santa's.
Now that I have a brother, we have so much brother stuff to catch up on.
I'm glad that you're excited that you have a brother.
I am.
I'm glad you mucked in my pond.
Thank you, honey.
Uh, quick question.
I know that Taylor is, but is Oliver of drinking age? None of the kids are old enough to drink.
Right.
I knew that.
Kids, bad news! [Groans.]
Next time, Greg, just drown me in the pond.
Hark! The herald angels sing "Glory to the newborn King Peace on Earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled" Joyful, all ye nations rise Join the triumph of the skies With angelic hosts proclaim "Christ is born in Bethlehem" Hark! The herald a Oliver.