Archer s04e10 Episode Script

- Allaaaaaaaahu akbaaaaaaaaaar - Noooo Ugh, no wonder Morocco Mole was so inept, he never got any damn sleep.
Unlike some people! Wuzzat?! Oh.
G'morning.
Don't "g'morning" me! What's your problem? Besides that frickin air raid siren? It's the muezzin chanting the adhan, Lana.
God, be open to other cultures.
I am! What I'm not open to is not sleeping on the floor, listening to your drunk ass fart and snore all night in the only bed, which I'm sure is why you wanted this room! If I may rebut, point by point? No, you may - A, pretty sure I offered to share the bed, B, I - wasn't that drunk - Really.
Lana, this is me we're talking about.
And okay yeah, maybe I smoked just a teeny bit too much hashish, but that's only because I didn't want to be rude.
To who, the creepy old Moroccan dude? Or those Dutch high school girls? Both, the latter of whom were college juniors, and C, Lana we had to take this room, Beat history was made here! Says who, the manager?! Wh-? Why would he lie?! You are American, yes? Uh, yes? Then you know Allen Ginsberg, author of the poem Howl, "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked" Yes.
So for extra one thousand American, you can have room where he wrote- Yes! Archer, Morocco.
Yeah, hang on.
Is this really the room where Allen Ginsberg wrote Howl? Why not.
Yeah why not? And just so we're clear, you're mad at all that stuff, and not just being weird because we had sex last night.
Are you -- we didn't have sex! Good, because I lied, I was drunk.
Want some? Make ya feel better.
What will make me feel better, is to get out of shit- reeking Tangier, which we can only do after we extract - agent what's his name, Kazak - who, why the hell hasn't he activated his GPS beacon, and while we're on the subject, where the hell is our GPS? Oh.
Promise you won't get mad? Uh, no? - Noooo - I know, right? It's loud as balls.
When did it start going off?! I dunno, like before the muezzin, but after the Dutch co-eds left.
You brought them up to the room?! Aha, busted! You did get some sleep! How can you not love this place? The sights, the sounds, the smells No, Archer, just one smell, singular, which would knock a possum over.
Didelphis virginiana! My second favorite animal with a prehensile - Tail.
Thanks, Brett Somers, yes, a tail.
You have one.
I wish, then I'd be like my first favorite prehensile-tailed animal - Archer? Nightcrawler! AKA- Archer.
Kurt Wagner, Lana.
Although he can teleport, so the prehensile tail is - Goddammit we're being followed! When were you planning to tell me?! I -- whooaaa! Look ooouuut! Oh yeah?! Well -- damn, I had something in Arabic for this Wow, that accidentally worked.
Accidentally? Just drive.
There, take that left.
Hang on, I'm swinging back around.
No you're not, why? Because look in here and tell me the Arabic phrase for "your mother is a whore and a goatherd is her pimp".
Oh, right, absolutely.
Oh for -- nice, real mature, Lana! Look, obviously Morrocan intelligence isn't as stoked about Kazak coming over to ISIS as your mother is so can you please quit dicking around! Who's dicking around?! Me, who's driving this clown car like Parnelli Frickin Jones, or you, Lana Litterbug! Archer, I am seriously not in the mood for your bullshit right n-owww! Oh.
Hold on, I'm stopping.
Why.
Because according to this we're here.
Are you coming? No, but I'm breathing fast.
Get it? Lana, did you get it? Lana? Or were you just trying not to laugh because you're cranky for some reason.
I'm cranky because I didn't sleep- Inaccurate.
-- and now I can't sleep, because I'm pretty sure I have a concussion! Wait, seriously? Yes, Archer, my head totally kills.
Well that's not good- Wait, seriously? -- because Tangier's totally awesome- Wildly inaccurate.
-- but it's probably not the best place to receive medical treatment.
So what say we grab this Kazak guy and get out of this flyblown shithole.
Okay, but you're missing out on all the great things Tangier has to offer.
Name one.
Besides cheap hash and a repulsingly low age of consent.
Rugs? - Okay - Shooting me's not gonna change the unbeatableness of their rug prices.
It might change my mood- To remorseful? -- but I drew because we don't know what's waiting for us behind this - - Door.
Ya know - Grrowwrrrgrrl! Ungh! Lana! Archer? - Grrrrrrrr - How ya dooin, buddy? I'll be better when you shoot him.
- I was talking to hiiim, stupid - Great, then I'll shoo - Grrowwoofwoofwoofrowwrr! - I don't think he likes guuuuns - Okay, that's -- stop, c'mon, cut it -Archer get the damn dog off my tits! Here boy! C'mon buddy! Uh, heel? I don't think he speaks English.
Well what's "get off" in Arabic?! She asked, regretfully, remembering that just moments earlier she'd thrown away his eleven-dollar phrasebook.
Oh for the -- grrrrt off! Oof! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy good boy good boy? Ugh, I thought you hated dogs.
I love dogs, Lana.
Except Mother's dog.
Hated that dog.
Because she loved it more than you? Ha ha, very funny.
Although, she never forgot the dog's birthday Can we please just do this? Grrowwoofwoofwoofrowwrr! Aagh! What're you-- Lana put it away! Alright okay okay alright already! See? He really doesn't like guns, Lana, he can't stress that enough.
Well what are we supposed to do if Kazak doesn't wanna come with us? Feed him to Cujo here, he can poop him out when we get home.
Who's a poopy boy, who's a poopy boy? Shit-breath slobberin-ass mutt - Don't listen to her, she's- Wow, but you could use a tic-tac.
Kazak? Hello? Kazak.
Kazak! Woowoowoowoowoof! Get away from me, what're you doing?! What're you doing?! Lana, you can't beckon him and then rebuff him! Beckon and rebuff whom.
Kazak.
Woof? Noooo, he's not-- he cannot be Kazak.
He can according to his nametag.
Son of a bitch! Woowoowoowoowoof! Well, technically she's right.
Who's a sonuvabitch? Are you a sonuvabitch? Woof! Lana, look! He thinks he's people! Nooo, no, no, no no, nooo.
I did not sign on to be a dogsitter for -- who's frickin dog is this?! Who gives a shit, Lana, he's like the Pélé of, lemme finish, fetch! Woof! Well I will if you bring it here! I can't throw it if it's in your mouth! Woowoowoof! Why didn't you become a vet? Honestly? Didn't have the grades.
No shit.
Why would I lie about that? And who're you calling? Who do you think.
Ask her if we can keep him.
Ms.
Archer, Lana for you, line one.
I'm not here.
Ooohhhh! Then how? Oh for the love, obviously I am here-- Whew -- I just don't wish to speak to her! - But you are here - Aht! If you walk over here and touch me, you'll spend your lunch hour being fitted for a prosthetic hand.
I only get forty-five minutes.
But I'll tell her you're not here.
But you are, right? Out! Ahh! I assume Lana's mad because Sterling's pushing her buttons.
What a surprise.
- Speaking of - You finally saved enough money for a sex change.
- No.
I'm actually broker than usual - Nine! Ten! She's out! - Uht? Pungash bishiz - But I'm very comfortable in my own body, thank you very much, and- Don't thank me, thank - And before you say- May I finish?! Archer Daniels Midland, now what do you want, I'm extremely busy.
To be a field agent! I'm sorry? You should be! How was I supposed to know it was gonna make him do that?! Stuffing him full of street kebabs?! A, it was kufta, and bee- elzebub's asshole, Kazak! Bad dog! Bad dog! Sorry buddy, I didn't mean that, I- I did! It's bad enough your mother sends me on this bullshit mission, but now she won't even take my call?! Lana, New York's five hours behind, maybe she's not in the office yet.
Oh please, she's totally there! Wh-? Out! Just checking! God! - Idiot.
As I was saying - I'm! Sorry! And I'm sure I - -- ugh, also speak for Kazak, who, by the way, is the real victim here.
How is he the victim?! Lana, his nose is like a jillion times more sensitive than ours! - Gotta be killing him - Well before I kill him, and you, just get us to the port.
Hopefully the stupid boat to Spain has aspirin.
What boat? What what boat, the boat boat! Wow, you might actually be concussed, because that was not a real sentence.
Archer? And the boat's not a boat, Lana, it's a frickin hovercraft! Woohoohoohoooo! Woowoowoowooowoowooowooo! Woohoo oh.
But, boat or not-boat We won't be getting on it.
A roadblock?! So, guess we're driving through the desert to the backup extraction point.
Rrowrf.
uhh, uhh.
Sorry.
I know you had your heart set on that hovercraft ride.
But why on earth do you think you're qualified to be an ISIS field agent?! Uh, besides Cyril's one? - Hey - Cyril? Ya wanna fresh one? I do not, no.
Then shut your fist-hole, and show Ms.
Archer how I did on the IFAAB.
The ISIS Field Agent Aptitude Battery? You took it? You aced it?! No, but -- this can't -- you cheated! How?! Everybody watched me take it! Under sterile conditions, by the way! Well - What.
Punkass bitches - Sterile test conditions, anyway.
But I can promise she didn't cheat.
Be that as it -- hm.
Hmm.
Hmmmm? This means nothing, My God, a perfect score on the IFAAB merely indicates that a person is a candidate for field agent status, it can't determine if they're suited for actual field work.
I mean, what if she had to subdue an enemy agent? Cue sad trombone, aaaaaaaaaaaand-Go! Aaaaaagh! Pam! What the hell did you -- waagh! - My God - And it goes on like that, for another thirty-eight soul-cleaving minutes.
Of which you were there for two.
Three! I was scared, I ran away, sue me.
And then sue me for this! Smoke bomb! So you aced the test and beat up a nazi, a nerd, and queen of the robots- Heeyyy! If the saddle oxford and/or ruby slipper fits! Mister and/or missy! What makes you think I need another field agent? I quit.
Lana believe me, nobody wanted to ride a hovercraft more than me, but - Stop the car! I'm serious, I'm- I'm serious, calm the hell down! Here, hit this hashbrown, that creepy old dude put his lips on it, but- Archer stop the goddamn car! Lana put the gun down, he's gonna- Yipe! - Stoppin the caaar, buuuddies - Sorry about that, furface.
Wouldn't have shot you for a gazillion bucks.
Rrowr? You, not so much.
Lana c'mon, we both know you're- Quitting, Archer, yes, exactly.
Oh.
I was gonna say "not quitting.
" Wildlier inaccurate.
"Wildlier" isn't a real word, by the way.
At least not in English.
Rrowr? I dunno, she threw away my phraseboo- Almost kind of wishing she'd shot you.
Roowr.
No, no, no, I'm kidding Who's my stinky boy, huh? Who's my So hey, I know we kid around a lot, but I think you might have dog cancer.
No way, I'm not going back for her.
You're new here, but Lana cries wolf on quitting ISIS like twice a week.
Rowr.
She'll be fine.
She's got oh.
I was gonna say GPS, gun, sat-phone, and canteen full of lifesaving water.
Rowr.
Well?! She's the one who stormed off into the desert with no GPS, no gun, no sat- phone and no lifesaving water, and why the hell are you taking her side, she jammed a gun in your - Rrowrf.
So, were you whining about Lana being an idiot or about you being carsick? Rrf.
How much frickin kufta did you eat?! Ruff! Well? Whose fault is that?! Okay, so maybe I egged you on to eat five orders of it, and maybe I push Lana's buttons on purpose, and just generally make her life hell Which maybe I do, possibly, if I'm being completely honest, because I still have some pretty strong- Ah, God damn, dude.
Okay, we'll go back for her.
But not because you said so! Because you let him, you let him push your buttons.
That's why you stormed off with no GPS, gun, phone, or lifesaving water.
And that's why you died in the desert.
Holy shit I'm gonna die in the desert.
Just like Cheryl's gypsy woman said! How.
Would I ever.
Die in a dessert.
Well, pretty close.
And you're not gonna die out here, because any minute now aha! Haaa! Archer's gonna come crawling back to you, tail between his legs, from - From the wrong direction.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Wait wait wait, shut up, what? What are you talking about?! I dunno, like maybe a gigantic chocolate mousse, or - I said desert! Oh.
Still pretty close.
Will you put Mother on the damn phone?! What's the magic woooord? Oh for the --please! No, they changed it.
Cheryl, you stupid [beeeeeeeeeeeep.]
Lucky guess.
Plus I'm a quick learner plus you've seen me drive I'm an amazing driver plus I almost never get sick plus I already bought three pantsuits plus- Alright! I'll think about it! Is that a real you'll think about it, or a "Pam if your pig Leon wins a blue ribbon at the county fair maybe we won't kill him and eat him for Easter dinner and render what's left into soap" you'll think about it? It's- Because I never really got over that.
It's a real one- Yaaaaaay! -- but thank you for that glimpse into your bleak, farmy childhood.
It was actually pretty awesome.
And if I'm being honest, so was Leon.
Get out.
What.
Mother? Mother it's Sterling, don't talk just Ohhhh no! Guess I had that coming.
- You must really think I'm an idiot - Well, your words Mother, but my voicemail doesn't call you.
Oh right.
What's going on, did you get Kazak, are you on the boat yet? Okay, in order, I'll get to that, yes, no, and it's not a boat, it's a- Hovercraft, whatever, why aren't you people on it?! Well for starters, some of us aren't people! But they think they are! Yes they do! Yes they do! Yes they - Sterling! Oh, so anyway, Lana quit, and- She -- what'd you do this time?! Nothing! She quit because you made us fly to Morocco, coach, by the way, and don't even get me started on that! For a dog! You know how insulting that is?! A stupid dog?! Wh-? Is this about the carriage ride?! The -- I mean, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a factor! But - Let me tell you something about that so-called - "stupid" dog, mister man - Are you -- that's all we were after?! Well?! You could've told us, Mother! Oh! And you could've told me you just took her to the stupid vet! Whoooo just had a lovely birthday carriage ride through Central Paaark? Woof! Yes she did! Yes she did! - Grrrrrrrr - Whatever, look, we're not gonna make it to the backup extraction point, so get a fix on my signal and reroute the chopper to those coordinates! Okay, rerouting now, ETA ten minutes.
Whenever, we'll be here One way or the other.
So hey, how you doin on the kufta? Rrf.
Yeah good, get it all out now.
Because this next part's gonna suck.
Archerrrr! See?! That's why I said scrooch down! Lana! Lana scrooch down! No no no, Archer don't Are you out of your mind?! No! Although I am out of ammo.
Okay buddy, so here's the deal! A, scrooch down! And B, normally in this situation I do a a pit maneuver, but if I do that the truck will flip, and if Lana doesn't die, best case she's a quadriplegic and I marry her out of guilt but after a few years of feeding tubes and colostomy bags I start to resent her and the night nurse is like, Brazilian and twenty? - Grrrr - Don't judge me! I have needs, man! The point is, and it might be a kinda shitty plan, but I'm gonna jump on the truck, so I need you to take the - Grrowwrrrgrrl! -- wheel, exactly, so Kazak? Aaaggghhhh! Grrowwrrghhh! Lana, look! He thinks he's vampires! Grrowwrrgh! Lana look ooouuut! Kazaaaaaaaak! Ungh, Nah, guys probably got nine wives and a jillion kids and.
.
holy shit, that's racist Archer, what is wrong with you? - Seriously - Lana! Archer, thank- God is he hit, tell me he's not hit! He's fine.
Woof! As am I, not that you give a shit.
- Shhh.
Lana, don't ruin the moment - What moment, what're you -- ahhh.
What're you doing, what is that? Microfilm.
It was on his collar the whole time, something about nukes in Pakistan or -- one of the akistans, I forget which one.
Owwww! My point is sometimes we do good work.
So promise me you'll never quit again.
Only if you promise you'll quit being such a colossal asshole.
Mmmm.
I can't.
- Ya know - Woowoowoowoowoowoowoof! What.