Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s04e10 Episode Script

1 - Whoa, hi.
- Hey.
Happy Birthday.
Oh, thank you.
Do you mind if I, uh, how old are you? Oh, uh, I don't mind.
I am actually 55.
MAN: What? LUCY: I should be retired, I know.
MAN: Are you serious? Wow, you look amazing! Oh, stop it.
MAN: No I mean I hope I look that good when I'm your age.
LUCY: You look great now.
I'm sure you will.
Thank you.
Lucy, what's up, you're 42.
You tell people you're way older than you actually are and they think you look amazing and they just can't stop giving you compliments, you should try it.
Okay.
I'm 95! No big deal.
And looking sweet.
Congratulations? Thank you very much.
Baby steps, just little bit.
Yeah.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds it's just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Baroness Von Sketch Show - S04E10 Those Chickens Won't Clean Themselves (LAUGHTER) - Okay.
- Okay.
I've got one for all of you.
Okay.
If you could go back in time and talk to your twenty-year-old self, what would you tell her? I would say to myself, stop obsessing about your body.
You need to stop it because you look great, that's what I would say.
I think you look better than you did when you were twenty.
Thank you.
You do.
All the work has really paid off.
- Thank you so much, thank you.
- Worth every penny.
Well I would say, hey darling, your broken heart will heal.
The right one will come along in time.
- (IN UNISON) Yes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) Yeah if I had to go back and talk to my twenty-year-old self, I'd probably say, uh, girl, you know, if your friends ask you to go in on that lottery ticket with them, like don't say no.
(IN UNISON) Yessss.
Oh that sucks so much you didn't go in on that ticket with us.
I still can't believe we won 50 million dollars! - Each.
- Each.
Oh, big money, big money.
Big money.
I'm loaded.
150 million dollars, you know, for three people.
I've got so much money, I don't even touch the principal, I just live off the interest.
- Me too.
- Wow.
That's cool though, that's cool.
I mean, when I-when I think back on-on that time which, which I often do, I just think to myself, I just want to say like, Charlotte, you know, what were you thinking? God, remember how at that time we were all working in that place where we had to clean the raw chicken? - Yes.
- Remember that? Yeah, I still work there.
Didn't you say, we have more chance of being crushed by a frozen block of pee ice falling from an airplane washroom than win the jackpot? Yeah I guess I did say that.
I mean, if I had a time machine, you know, I could just turn back time I'd just grab myself by the shoulders and shake you, you know, what are you thinking? What the fuck were you thinking? What are you thinking? Ah ah, haha chickaaaaa! Ah Jesus! Yeah.
Well, I have to go.
We're heading off to Monaco tomorrow and we're trying out the new jet.
- Oh, wow.
- Yes, jet, jet.
Well I have to work tomorrow, yeah, and, and actually right now, I'm going to pick up another shift at the chicken place, you know, the chickens aren't gonna Chickens aren't gonna clean themselves, so.
- No they're not.
- You're going to clean them.
Get the cluck to work! Did you, um, want some, some cash for this? I just Oh no, you know what, you pay me back next time.
Okay.
Actually, why don't we stay for another round? - Okay.
Let's do it.
- We'll just stay.
Have fun with it.
Oh, look at that.
Remember that? Oh my gosh, that's bringing back memories.
Maybe make sure it doesn't touch the table.
Remember they looked so horrible on us.
Bye everyone.
- Bye.
- Nice seeing you.
We need a wet wipe.
Can I have a couple of wipes over here? - Hello? - (AIRPLANE ENGINE WHIRRING) Vicky, what do you want to drink? Oh, everything.
Prosecco! JENNIFER: Oh yeah, let's do that.
- Are these new? - Yeah, they're nice, right.
I feel like they feel you can walk and you can Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
What? BLONDE WOMAN: Check it out, no no.
I feel sick.
- I'm going to have to say something.
- I think you have to.
- I'm going to be that person.
- Yeah do it.
Hey you with the baby.
Yes, hi.
- Oh, hi.
- Is that your baby? Yeah, she's five weeks old.
I don't give a shit.
Why aren't you breastfeeding it? Excuse me? What's the matter, you have turds in your ears? - Answer the question.
- Thank you.
How about, it's none of your business.
The wellbeing of a child in our nearby vicinity, I think is very much our business.
Yeah, very much so.
Do you know how much you are hurting your child by not breastfeeding it? How can you not know that breastmilk is like, the only decent food for that child, your child? Ding dong! Okay, thank you very much, I'm going to go ahead and ignore you both.
(IN UNISON) Wooo hoo hoo! I'm going to ignore you.
I'm a bitch.
MOM: Hey did you Did you just shoot a spitball at me? Maybe we should come over there so you can make us stop bothering you.
I'm trying to feed my child.
- BRUNETTE WOMAN: Whoa! - Okay, stop it! Breast is best, breast is best, breast is best.
Stop it! I would rather raise a formula fed baby than a bully, which is clearly what you're doing.
What are you even talking about? What do-what do you mean? These-these aren't babies.
BLONDE WOMAN: This is just, what, it's just how we keep our sandwiches warm.
Yeah, like why would we ever have a baby? There's so much judgment involved.
And people don't stop criticizing.
Yeah, really.
Hello! Oh hey hey hey hey hey, so glad you could make it.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
I would never miss a house party.
Oh wow, wow, you look great! Oh thank you.
Like really great.
Are you going somewhere after this? Nope, this is it.
Oh, oh I'm sorry, I wasn't more clear on the phone, it's-it's just a casual bbq.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, welcome.
Okay.
Hey.
Wow, hubba hubba, someone went all out tonight.
It's just a sundress, I've-I've worn it before.
Did you just come from a work event or something? No, I didn't think I was that dressed up.
CAROLYN: Wha-ha-hat is with this outfit? Oh my lordes, boom chuckalucka boom chuckalala boom boom boom.
I love it.
- I am obsessed with it.
- Mhm.
Doesn't Keira look amazing.
What is going on? Wait a second.
Do you have your eye on a guy here? Is it Dave? - No.
- Yes yes.
I'm married to Dave.
KEIRA: I don't, I don't.
This is not a special occasion, I'm not going anywhere, I'm not trying to impress anybody.
I just wanted to look nice because I never leave the house.
I'm usually wearing sweatpants, and a flip flop and another flip flop, and I just wanted to look a little bit pretty and feel confident, and now you guys are complimenting on me, and I feel really weird about it.
And what is even happening? I don't know what's happening? (IN UNISON) Ooooh, hey hey hey.
Oh no, did we cross a line? It's just that normally you look like you don't make an effort.
And you kind of look like you've given up on life most times.
Mhm, most days you look like a walking turd, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.
She really does, she really do.
So chin up, dry your tears and accept the compliment.
Yeah, looking good, girl, yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah.
At least they notice what you were wearing.
I'm sorry.
Did you guys want your buns toasted? I even wore a thong.
I didn't even have to.
Hey, uh, Janet.
Hey.
How ya doing? Yeah, pretty good.
Yeah, you're good? - Yeah.
- Good.
Um, I was just, um, reflecting on yesterday, you know, when you put that Facebook post up asking for people to send in funny pics, uh, because you were feeling down.
Oh yeah.
The one that I posted, did it-did it help? Yeah sure did.
- It did? - Yeah.
It was the one, uh, with the llama with the grass on its head.
Yes that was good, thank you.
Well it made you laugh? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
JANET: It sure did.
- Cool.
- Thanks Wanda.
- Welcome, yeah.
'Cause like I was torn, right, it was like, do I get her the llama with the grass on its head, or do I get the parrot doing the splits? But I, I chose the llama because really when you evaluate the two it really is funnier, and I wanted to curate something that was like the funniest for you.
Well, great, thank you.
'Cause laughter honestly is the best medicine.
It's pretty good.
So I am happy to have been of service.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Anyway, glad I could help.
It's just that, um, like I was looking at your thread.
- I've been monitoring it all day.
- Mhm.
Some of them just weren't like that funny, you know, like Lizzy for example.
Oh I don't know.
It was a lizard in a boot, it's like, oh hi, a lizard in a boot.
Like honestly, is that like some sort of inside joke you have 'cause then maybe like I just think lizards are funny.
WANDA: Okay, I mean, just because you were named after one doesn't make them funny though.
I was named after my grandmother.
- Alizzardbeth.
- Elizabeth.
Anyway, and-and Sheila's? Okay, like honestly what was with that? It was like a cartoon taco walking and going, "wanna taco 'bout it?" He's wearing a little top hat.
You're going to eat a taco that had a top hat on it? Nobody was actually eating the cartoon taco.
It's a hack joke, it's a dumb joke.
JANET: Okay, you know what Wanda? I liked everyone's post.
I like tacos and top hats and llamas and lizards.
I get it, I get it, you liked, I know you liked them all, but truly did it make you laugh? Like did you put that smiley face that's sideways, with the squinty eyes and the water coming out the side going? I laughed at them all.
Thank you everyone.
- No problem.
- Okay, wow, fine.
I guess the, uh, office clown doesn't know what's funny anymore.
- No one calls you that.
- What? Like nobody's going to walk up and say, hey you're the office clown, you know, that's, that's just delusional.
Uh, excuse me, are you Wanda the office clown? Ah, yeah, I am.
- Oh wow, awesome.
- Hi.
I just want to say thank you 'cause, uh, you know, I saw what you posted on Janet's wall and what the llama was doing was so funny that I realized I experienced true joy and happiness.
Well I decided to spread that joy by helping underprivileged kids fight climate change, so you know, you changed me and you changed the planet, so bless you.
You saved my marriage.
You made me a believer.
I was barren, and now we're having our first child, so much sex, so much joy, thank you.
You'll have to make the baby laugh.
Yes.
Did you guys see the lizard in the boot? Yeah we saw it.
I saw it.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh We stand on guard for thee (CROWD CHEERING) ANNOUNCER: Before we get our game underway we'd like to take a moment to honour two soldiers who bravely served our country.
Tonight we'd like to recognize Corporal Dwyer and Lieutenant McDonner, and here to present an autographed jersey is Team Manager, Vince Selkirk.
From all of us we'd like to say thank you for your service.
- (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) - (CAMERAS CLICKING) Oh no, sir, I'm not a soldier, I think you've mistaken me for someone over there.
I'm the soldier.
The soldier's right here.
("CHARGE" INSTRUMENTAL) Yeah that's the referee.
He might be coming back around.
I'm the, I'm the soldier.
That's a mascot, that's a shark mascot.
I'm the soldier, it's not the shark mascot.
It's, it's, wow.
("CHARGE" INSTRUMENTAL) Sir, I already have one of these.
Oh.
(BONES CRACKING) Oh oh something cracked, babe, stop.
- I still have my socks on.
- Oh.
- Something cracked.
- Okay.
It's just, 'cause I feel like there's something going on and I want you to Number 9 in July is hot sex moves.
Pardon? What do we? See.
- Okay, a magazine like this - Yeah.
Is written by someone that doesn't have a vagina or a spine.
None of these moves really work, honey.
- Okay, let's do this.
- I mean Okay.
Let's just, you know what we're going to do, we're going to try them.
You're putting in the effort, I'm going to put in the effort, okay.
- (SEXY INSTRUMENTAL) - Okay, number nine.
HUSBAND: Flipped Crab.
Take me to the bottom of the sea baby, and HUSBAND: Up and then.
I think you're putting your, you have to put your hands here.
Can you go farther over? - WIFE: Just roll my - Lift it.
You know what doesn't feel great with sex? Crabs.
Flipped Crab is a not a great name.
Right.
The problem is the name, not the fact that my asshole is folded into my face.
The Slide And Glide.
Like just hold on HUSBAND: You've got to get a little more perpendicular, hun.
You know what we're doing? We're winning a gold medal at not orgasming.
Let's see if we can actually move on this one, and then it's all yours.
When's the last time you washed these? Let's try to focus.
WIFE: I think we can both agree what this makes us think of.
Phrrrrrrrrrr phrrrrrrrrr.
Phrrrr phrrrr phrr phrr prr phrr.
- You want to move on? - Yeah.
WIFE: Okay.
Put your butthole on my butthole.
Okay.
- Ah! - How's that? You like that? Nobody is jizzing.
A little break.
- Okay.
- (SEXY INSTRUMENTAL) HUSBAND: Oh no, they both go, it's like this.
- WIFE: What? - Here we go, here we go.
WIFE: What are you a casual Jesus? Just lean back.
Okay okay.
Lynn, Lynn.
- Push me up! - I'm pushing.
- WIFE: My arm! - HUSBAND: Oh, your bum.
WIFE: Oh my butt, oh God, tell me I was right.
- HUSBAND: You were right.
- (HEARTENING INSTRUMENTAL) I get it.
It objectifies us both, it's not realistic, but it's all men have.
We're forced to learn sex from the same misogynistic culture that oppresses you.
I mean, where am I supposed to go improve? Yes! Learning things.
This is a clitoris.
It's always been there, it will never not be there.
- This, yes? - Is that the Chicago Bulls logo? WIFE: Do you want to have sex with me ever again? - Yeah.
- Okay, what is this? - Boob.
- Medical term.
Tit.
We're starting from the top.
These are holes, how many do women have? (DEEP EXHALE) Including the mouth? I'm just kind of nervous, it's my first time.
Oh my God there's nothing to be nervous about, honestly it's so much fun.
So all you have to do is just shuffle the cards.
- Yeah.
- Try to get your energy on it, and then you just want to think of a question that you want answered by the Tarot.
AURORA: Okay, um, I think I just kind of want to know what's in store for me - this year.
- Okay, that's totally valid.
- Ahh.
- Ahhh! - There.
- Cool.
It's fun.
Alright.
So I'll do something like a Celtic cross, - probably a variation of that.
- Sure.
So this is the first most central card, oh okay.
Um Wow that looks bad.
Yeah, it does look bad, - but it doesn't always mean it is bad.
- Oh.
Ah, sometimes it just means it's like a sign of rebirth, so it's actually just more about it's relationship to the next card, so we'll just turn that one over.
- Oh okay, oh wow.
- What? Yikes.
Um Nothing, no it just, um, it just, I'm not sure.
Like maybe we'll just turn, oh, fuck, okay, you know what, um, this really isn't really making much sense to me.
You know what, we're just going to leave it at that.
We're going to leave it over here.
- Okay.
- Let's consult the Runes instead.
Let's just avert our eyes from this horror and we will just, um, take a look at the Runes.
- Sure.
- Don't worry about this.
I got to say though, it looks like you saw a ghost and you're making me kind of nervous.
No no, I'm new at this, I don't even know what I'm doing.
It's just a bunch of scary pictures that's all.
Okay, give it a shake, throw three stones on the table.
Oh, aaaaahhh! Ayaaaayaya, yariba! Yayayaah, oh.
AURORA: What? What does it mean? Are we going to Mexico? Do I get a promotion? Um, well, no you know what, uh, I think I need a second opinion.
- Sonia! - Oh, sure.
Do you mind just, sorry.
- SONIA: Oh sure.
- Just drag you over here.
- Oh no, no problem.
No problem.
- Hey, girl.
Oh sweet Jesus, it's come! What? What has come? You guys, you have to tell me.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
It's, um, no it's not bad, it's just that you are Ah, you know what, wanted to keep it a surprise, but you are, um, you're having a baby.
For real? Oh my God.
- Congratulations.
- Oooh.
AURORA: Oh God, I can't tell you how long we've been trying to conceive.
Ah.
I have to tell Dave.
Babe, babe, babe come here.
Great news, the Tarot cards say we're going to have a baby.
- What? - Yes.
That's so amazing.
- Oh sweetheart.
- Isn't that great.
So, uh, she's having the anti-Christ, right? - Oh yeah, it's end of days.
- Yeah, yeah, I mean, but I am getting good at reading the cards, wouldn't you say? - SONIA: Totally accurate.
- Really, it's pretty uncanny.
Yes it is.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (INSPIRATIONAL INSTRUMENTAL) And hands to heart, inhale, thumbs to sternum, exhale, elbows down.
And as we do at the end of every class please join me in the chanting of one om.
(IN UNISON) Ommmm.
Oooooooooooooom Ooooooooooooooom Waaaaaaaaaaaaoooooom Woooooaaaaah Ha ha ha haaaa haaaaaa Waaaa waaaa! (CLEARS THROAT) Oooooom I'm so sorry.
Mhm.
Namaste, heyayaya, so greedy of a day.
Yeah, okay.
Sorry class dismissed.
- I'm the teacher.
- Right.
Class dismissed.
Hey, hey it's going to be fine.
I have read every review, Dr.
Handley is the best laser eye surgeon in the city, okay.
I know, I know, I just want to get it over with 'cause that way less torture.
I promise you we're going to be out of here in no time, okay.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hi there, I am Dr.
Handley.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
And which one of you is Ms.
Wolstencraft-Segal? - Actually we both are.
- Yeah.
Ah sisters, okay, well great, it's always nice to have the support of a sister.
Um, which one of you is Amy? Oh that's me.
And, uh, actually we're not sisters.
Oh I see, just a couple of pals that God gave the same mom to.
Definitely don't have the same mom.
Travelling father? No? Well no need to disclose your adoption status to me, that's private information and I I'm sorry, Dr.
Handley, do you have a, like a problem with our relationship? No.
God no, I have a sister myself.
- Are you serious? - Okay, please, please, just Oh no, have you put me in the, in the mommy role? Well, no problem at all, I can just, uh, refer you to another specialist if you'd like and we can put you back on the waitlist No, no, no, no waitlist, we're so happy to have you here today.
- We're fine, everything is fine.
- Okay.
DOCTOR: Yeah we're good? Yeah, we're off the list, we're here.
Okay, who's the eldest here? Ah I'm I'm going to lose my mind right now.
DOCTOR: Okay, some sibling rivalry going on.
It's okay, mommy loves you both.
Follow my finger, great, yeah, where did you two grow up? - Toronto.
- Halifax.
Ah, divorced parents, eh? It's not what happened.
Well listen, as far as the, uh, procedure is concerned, good news, it only takes about half an hour, - so that's great news.
- Great.
DOCTOR: However, the recovery period is about ten days, is there any chance that she can stay with you? Yeah, a pretty good chance 'cause we live together, so she can stay.
DOCTOR: Oh, live together, still? Wow you really are close.
Yeah, um, we've actually been seeing each other for about seven years.
(CHUCKLING) Barely, I mean, you have one of the worst cases of hyperopia I have ever seen.
I mean, I'd be surprised if you can see my hand.
- Can you see it? - Yeah.
- Dr.
Handley.
- Hm? We're not close, okay.
We're not like a, like a couple of pals, you know.
We're not buddies.
Do you know what we are? - We're lovers.
- We're lovers.
We are lovers.
It's the Goddamn 21st century, okay, why don't you wake up and deal with it.
We are not sisters.
Okay.
- (KNOCKING) - Hmmm? Hi, hi sorry, sorry to interrupt, you forgot your cellphone at home.
- Oh my God, thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
My goodness, this is honestly the best sister that a woman could ever ask for.
No Rebecca, you're the best sister.
No you are.
- No you are.
- No you are.
Oh, come here.
(MOANING) - Oh, thank you.
- Have a good day.
- Thank you for this.
- Bye.
- Appreciate it.
- Good luck with the Thank you.
DOCTOR: Oh God, she's wonderful.
You two share a bed?