Black-ish (2014) s04e10 Episode Script

1 DRE: Women.
For generations, they've worked hard to be seen as equals in the workplace.
When men went off to fight World War II, women stepped up and took jobs in the factories.
When the men returned home, they thanked their women by forcing them out of the workplace and back into the home.
But women have proven they can do everything men can do, from the air to the courts to the Spider Wall.
They can even become leaders of the free world.
Just not in America.
I was thinking about all this because it was Bow's first day back to work after maternity leave.
[SIGHS.]
Aww.
Look at them.
Makes me kind of sad I'm going back to work.
Well, babe, um you don't have to go back.
The [Bleep.]
did you just say to me? I Um Kids, w why don't you get ready for school? You can fight in front of us.
We know your marriage is on the rocks.
Get 'im, Mom.
Why did you just say that I don't need to go back to work? What did you mean? Y-You just said you were kind of sad about going back.
I-I'm pretty sure one of the security cameras got it.
Dre, you're missing the point.
I love my job.
I save lives! If I'm not there, people have to feel everything that's happening to them during surgery and they have to bite down on sticks.
It's sticks or me, Dre.
I have to believe there's a better back-up.
Where's this coming from? [SIGHS.]
Haven't the past few months been great? Yeah.
Except for the postpartum.
Oh, yeah.
- That was hard on me.
- Oh, my God.
You know, we got to spend more time together as a family.
Why not keep the party going? Because I love going back to work.
It's called maternity leave for a reason! You do something maternal, and then you leave! You have an eerie lack of guilt over leaving your children.
Later, munchkins.
Peace.
Don't let 'em drown.
Dre, our children are thriving.
Zoey is on her way to college, which we never thought was gonna happen.
Junior and Jack are coming into their own, and Diane is she's still very, very mean, but your mother is mean, too, so that is not on me.
Okay, look, babe.
All I'm saying is you've never had choices like this before.
- Wha - We're in a better place.
Look, I'm doing very well.
You spend everything you make.
You can't take it with you, Bow.
Oh, my God.
And if you wanna take more time I got you, girl.
Do Let Big Dre hold it down for you.
Mom totally screwed us over by going back to work.
Yeah.
Now we're gonna have to do our own homework.
Carry the 1 and carry the fun.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you guys getting this? Uh-huh.
Oh, and Mommy, don't forget there's more on the back.
And show your work.
Oh, yeah, of course.
We have a test coming up.
What are we gonna do? Um, Junior, can you help us with our homework? Uh that's a no-can-do.
I'm a member of Valley Glen Prep's Honor Code Committee, and your request is a violation of student ethics.
But you don't even go to our school anymore.
- Yeah.
- It's a lifetime commitment, okay? Helping us with homework isn't cheating.
Oh, but it is.
I'd be cheating you out of the opportunity to learn, to grow, to stretch your mi minds.
When you're sleeping, I'm going to put spiders in your mouth.
She has spiders, waiting to use them.
Well, guess this leaves us with no other choice but her.
God, Jesus, please guide my hand to the nougat.
[MUFFLED.]
Oh, for God's sake.
[GASPS.]
All right, quick show of hands who wouldn't work if they didn't have to? - Oh, taillights.
- And being the boss.
Mentally, I checked out years ago.
In my mind, I'm a spy.
DRE: All right, so, if no one wants to work, why does Bow take such offense to me saying she could take some time off? A lot of women get an incredible amount of fulfillment from their careers.
Oh.
Is that how you feel? Oh, God, no.
You all are monsters.
I'm happy that Bow has a career, but I have to be honest it was great having her home.
Things ran smoother.
It made my life easier.
Okay, so, I see.
So this is really just about you.
Of course it is.
Why do you think I care so much? Do you think your wife wants to be a kept woman? I mean, I could see if there was someone else keeping her, but you? Yikes.
I wouldn't mind being a kept men.
- I'd be Stedman in a heartbeat.
- Okay, look, Bow has made her decision, and I have to respect that.
- No, you don't.
- Your feelings matter more.
She should be my wife.
STEVENS: Look, Dre, how familiar are you with Japanese gifting etiquette? [CHUCKLES.]
What am I saying.
You're not well-traveled.
The point is, it is considered impolite in Japan to accept a gift until the third offer, okay? So my advice, keep asking.
Third time is the charm.
That's ridiculous.
You don't change someone's mind by asking them three times.
- Is that right? - Yes.
- Are you sure? - Totally.
What's the harm in trying? You know I never looked at it like that.
I'll give it a try.
There you go.
ALL: Happy first day back! Oh, my goodness! Thank you! Oh, that is so sweet of you guys.
And you got me a cake! [GASPS.]
Oh, there's there's a few pieces missing.
Sorry, we thought you were coming back yesterday, so - Ohh.
- Guess we pulled a Smitty.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
What's What's a Smitty? It's It's a little inside joke you missed while you were gone.
- Oh.
- That was good.
Oh, you Oh, you mean a Smitty? Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
I get it.
That's so Smitty! - [LAUGHS.]
- That's not a Smitty.
- It's - DR.
WINDSOR: Why would that be a Smitty? Explain yourself! - [PHONE CHIMES.]
- Um with the cake Oh, oh, I got a text from my It's from my nanny.
[GASPS.]
Aww, she sent a picture of Devante.
Look, he ate his first Cheerio.
- Aww.
- Look at that.
- Are you kidding me? - Aww, his first solid food.
- I know.
- And you missed it.
Oh That's okay.
Once you see one baby eat, you've seen 'em all.
- Just - I'm so glad I don't miss any milestones - while I'm at work.
- [BABY CRYING.]
Oh Oh Whoa.
You're leaking.
Little bit.
Now that is so Smitty! [LAUGHTER.]
No, no, no.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- No.
DIANE: Oh, no.
She's counting on her hands.
- Um, Grammy? - RUBY: Huh? [SIGHS.]
Are you sure you know how to do math? 'Course I do.
But this must be that new math.
See, back in my day, there were only 48 states, dinosaurs were lizards, - and there were only 9 numbers.
- [SIGHS.]
We're definitely gonna fail that test tomorrow.
Yeah, you are.
Unless you learn how to game the system.
But isn't that against the rules? Let me let you in on a little secret.
[WHISPERING.]
Rules are for ugly people.
- I knew it! - Me too.
There's nothing wrong with a little a workaround, you know? - What color's your teacher? - She's white.
Oh, now we are talking.
Come here.
Before she hands you that test, just look in the newspaper, find a tragedy that happened to a black person, and say, "That happened to my cousin.
" Yeah.
White women will buy that like Oprah's selling it.
Hm.
They do love her book club.
Yes, they do.
So, Stevens advised asking Bow three times if she wanted to stay home.
For my second try, I thought I'd remind her of how good she had it here.
Oh, hey.
Welcome home, babe.
Uh, I ordered your favorite sushi - because in Japan, when sushi - Dre, whatever.
Oh.
Is that, uh is that a new trend, 'cause I haven't seen that in, like, anywhere.
- Oh, baby.
- I had the worst day ever.
- Oh, oh.
- The worst! Holiday Hannah stabbed me in the back, and my boobs stabbed me in the front.
- Ow.
- God.
- Ugh.
- Let me get this for you.
Dre, I've been back to work so many times.
Why is it so hard this time? Well, babe, maybe it feels this hard now because you really don't want to go back to work.
Sushi? Are you still on this, Dre? Okay, okay.
I'll drop it, all right? I just had one bad day.
Yeah, just just one bad day.
You know, I mean, there must be a ton of superstars that have had a hard first day back.
Yeah, probably.
But not Jordan.
You know, when he came back, he dropped 55 on the Knicks.
Look, there must be Not Mike Tyson, because his first fight back, he nearly beat a man to death.
Okay, well, that's that's two people.
Tribe Called Quest.
They hadn't had an album is 20 years, and then they drop hot fire.
I mean, it's like if you're good, you're good, and if you're not, you never had it.
But I have it, Dre.
- Hm? - I've always had it! - You know what? - What? I'm gonna go to work tomorrow, and I'm gonna kill it.
- Okay.
- And then I'm gonna go in the next day, and I'm gonna kill that, too, - because you know what, Dre? - Hm? Rainbow Johnson is a doctor who kills.
Ha! MS.
DAVIS: Okay, class, I hope you all prepared for your test today, especially since your scores can make or break my chance at tenure! If you've done your homework, then this should be a breeze, okay? Um, Ms.
Davis, I don't know if you heard, but our cousin was fatally struck by gunfire last night while visiting friends on the 1400 block of Southwestern Avenue.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- And our dad was traded to the Cavs.
- What? Um, when he's in pain, he likes to pretend our dad plays in the NBA.
It's a cultural thing.
[SIGHS.]
The hood is so cruel.
You should head home, and no more homework for you this week.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
Your advice totally backfired.
She went back to work even more committed.
STEVENS: Dre, this is code red.
You've completely lost control.
CHARLIE: I hate to say this, but it sounds like you got yourself an "urb.
" An unruly bitch.
And there's only one thing left to do.
You got to check your bitch What did you say? I said "pitch.
" You have a lot of pitches for you, mademoiselle.
Oh, good, because I'll fire you again, Chuck.
I don't care that you have a kid.
Another way to tame a wild bi [GROANING.]
tch is a simple face mush.
What's that? Oh, yeah.
Oh.
- Oh, I feel degraded.
- Mm.
It's very effective.
Now, beware.
The face mush is less effective - if your girl bites.
- Hm.
I don't want Bow at home so I can control her.
Growing up, every woman I knew worked because she had to.
So I thought if I could get to a point where Bow didn't have to, then I'd finally made it.
Every guy I work with is such a bi-i-i-tch.
JACK: Thanks to you, we never have to do schoolwork again! - [LAUGHS.]
- DIANE: Yeah.
We just have to prey on white guilt, and that is a well that will never run dry.
- [LAUGHS.]
- You cheated? As a member of the Honor Committee, I am obligated to tell the school.
No, you're not.
I'm gonna call my faculty mentor.
RUBY: Junior! Junior? Oh, come on, now.
Don't narc on the babies.
Look, the way I see it, the system's already stacked up against us, right? So sometimes we have to bend the rules a little just to get a fair shake.
But if people already assume the worst in us, doesn't that mean we have to be twice as good? Such a smart boy.
You know, I, um I never got to finish school.
My father took me out to tour the country, singing with my four brothers.
You were in a band? Yeah.
- The Johnson Five.
- Wow.
I was the most talented and the most troubled.
- That's why I died so young.
- What? Oh, I'm talking about my career.
- Oh.
- Look, Junior, the point is let's be kind to family.
We're all we have.
I am so glad you're not dead.
Well, so am I.
So am I.
RUBY: Good talk, Junior.
[SIGHS.]
Played him like a white teacher.
Yesterday was tough.
Did you cry in the car on your way home? I did.
It's 'cause Barbara and I are having some problems at home I don't care about your life, Larry.
I got work to do.
Mama's got to knock some people out! Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh-ooh Get up, get out Go get that money It's time to work Hey All right now - I go to work - Nope! Sweat socks in my bra.
- Said hold up, wait one minute - [LAUGHS.]
Whoo! I go to work I get out there and I go get it Ha! - I go to work - [GRUNTS.]
I don't leave 'til I come home with it I go to work, hey Hey, hey Oh! Now that's a Smitty.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- I go to work Hey, hey Now let me see you work Whoo.
[LAUGHS.]
Junior, your mother is a hero.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Mm.
- I rocked surgery - Okay.
I took my place back from Holiday Hannah, and I found out what a Smitty was.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Hey! Way to go, Mom! Isn't that right, Boop Boop? Boop Boop? W-What happened to my nickname? Bubba.
Well, we we all tried it, and it didn't really work for anyone, least of all Boop Boop.
Oh, you just decided that without me while I was working? Well, you can change it, Mom.
It's not like it's official.
- Well - Oh, hey, Boop Boop.
Hey.
[LAUGHS.]
- You too, Dre? - What? I mean, I thought we decided his nickname was gonna be Bubba.
Yeah, well, Boop Boop didn't like Bubba.
- Oh, my God.
- Babe, it's just a nickname.
It's not just a nickname, Dre.
- I'm missing everything.
- Well, if you feel like you're missing everything from working, then there's something you could do - Oh, babe.
- or not do.
Mm'kay, you know? This is like the fifth time you've brought this up, Dre.
Oh, actually, it's only the third.
- Oh, it's the third time? - Mm-hmm.
But who's counting? - You want me to be a stay-at-home mom? - Well - Really? - Mm Just want me to be, like, a day drinker? A lady of leisure? [LAUGHS.]
Just lunching, watching "Ellen"? Those women also take care of their children.
Whatever you say, Dre.
[CHUCKLES.]
And why are you pushing this so hard, anyway? - Am I? - Yeah, Dre.
You know that this is not just a job for me.
This is who I am.
I'm not some woman who just wants to be taken care of.
But you could be.
You're embarrassing yourself.
Seriously.
[VACUUM RUNNING.]
[VACUUM SHUTS OFF.]
- Oh.
Hey.
- Hey! Since when do you vacuum? What? Girl, I do it all.
[LAUGHS.]
And I'm I am not trying to wake up my baby who I miss seeing all day long when I'm at work.
- Okay, that was convincing.
- Thank you.
Well, I'm gonna put this in the car, - and then I am all done.
- Oh, okay.
Wait, wait! You You packed up everything? I was I was gonna help you, sweetie.
- No, it's cool.
I got it.
- Oh.
Okay.
She's got it.
It's like okay.
[BABY CRYING.]
Yes! I'm coming, Boop Boop! Damn it, they got me, too.
Okay, this is getting depressing.
Our people cannot catch a break.
MS.
BIGGS: Good morning.
Ms.
Davis is out sick.
I'm your sub, Ms.
Biggs.
[STUDENTS SNICKER.]
Yes, my last name is also my body type.
Some of you will find this hilarious and feel the need to point it out.
Go ahead.
But remember, because of a flaw in the educational system, it is impossible for me to get fired.
So I can do anything.
Also, pop quiz.
- GIRL: What? - [STUDENTS GROAN.]
Um, Ms.
Biggs, our cousin was involved in a carjacking at the intersection of Adams and Crenshaw.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm.
I bet he was.
Yeah.
What's your cousin's name? Umm Denzel.
Yeah.
Denzel.
Washington.
DRE: Both of you are grounded.
One week for lying and another week for lying badly.
But we only did it because Grandma told us to.
- JACK: Yeah.
- Lies, lies, lies.
I tried to tell those kids that all they need is the good book! They wouldn't listen.
That's all.
Well, well, well.
Looks like the truth finally caught up with you.
So you better watch out, because an Honor Man doesn't care that you're my grandma.
Come for me, Junior.
But know this if you come for the queen you only get one shot.
Then I won't miss.
All right.
- Dre.
- Hm? We need to talk, but I need you to not say anything.
Okay, well, I'm just gonna say thi Dre, stop.
No, zip it.
Zip it.
Hm, all right.
For so long, I have worked so hard to prove myself, and I have always asked myself the same question can I do it all? - Of course you can.
- Yes, obviously I can do it all, Dre.
I can do everything.
I'm great.
Oh, really? Listen, my oldest is leaving the house, her room is empty, and my last-born is gonna be grown before I know it and maybe the question isn't "can I do it all," but "do I want to?" Babe, that's exactly what I was gonna tell you.
Can you shut your face? - Dre, you can't be in on this, okay? - [SCOFFS.]
The more you want it, - the more I'm gonna fight against it.
- Why? Because, Dre, you cannot give me permission to change what I want.
The person that I need permission from is myself.
Look, my entire life, the story of Rainbow Johnson, has always started with "Hi, I'm a doctor," but that's only half of my story.
I am many things.
I am a mom, a wife, - a fashion icon - Oh, let's not get crazy.
Fashion icon? Look at this Listen.
So maybe I can be all of those things, just not at the same time.
- So you're saying you're gonna - Shhhhhh! stay Hey, kids? Can you come in here? Hi.
- Hi, hi, hi.
- JACK: Hello.
So, what would you say if I told you that I was thinking about maybe staying home from work for a few months or, like or more? [ALL CHEERING.]
Yes! This is gonna be the best senior year ever! Please tell me you will chaperone the prom.
Of course I will, sweetheart.
I'm not really sure why you would want that, but okay.
Will you help us with our homework again? - Yeah.
- Uh, duh, every night, carry the 1 ALL: Carry the fun! [LAUGHTER.]
Oh, thank God.
We're failing math.
What? DRE: All right, here we are.
Zoey's college move-in.
What do you think, Junior? I think if she really applied herself, she wouldn't be going to a safety school.
Ohh, and proud mama.
Can you believe you have a child going to college? Uh, I can't.
I really, really can't.
I I still get carded when I check out at BevMo.
RUBY: [LAUGHS.]
That's a courtesy check for women they think might be drinking themselves to death.
DRE: Oh! - Aww, there she is! My favorite! - DIANE: What? All right, life is changing.
What do you have to say? Dad? Can you go now? Ah.
This is my life.