Dad's Army (1968) s04e10 Episode Script

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think we're on the run? We are the boys who will stop your little game We are the boys who will make you think again 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Stand at ease! Stand easy.
I was disappointed at the turn-out on church parade last Sunday.
I know some of you think this is rather a waste of time, but I'd just like to remind you that during Dunkirk, His Majesty the King called for a day of prayer.
You have to admit that worked damn well.
I was delivering essential supplies to a company of ATS girls.
- Couldn't you have waited till the afternoon? - I could, but they couldn't 'cause it was elastic.
- It was for their knickers.
- Yes, all right, all right! I also noticed, Pike, that your hair was rather too long.
Very untidy, right down to the top of your collar.
Get it cut.
- Yes.
- Yours is rather long, too, Wilson.
You're not a violin player, you know! - Mum said it made him look rather romantic.
- Frank, please! Romantic? Well, I don't see it.
I had a letter from the Chief Warden of the ARP.
- Got it, Wilson? - I think so.
If that's about Mrs Prosser and me being found down the air-raid shelter, that's not true.
- I beg your pardon? - She came over a bit faint.
I had to take her down there to let her pull herself together.
- It's nothing to do with that.
- If it was, that's not true! Oh, be quiet, Corporal! It's to challenge us to a game of cricket.
Ah, good.
I used to be a passable opening bat.
I'd like to volunteer to keep wicket, sir.
I once kept wicket in the rear of the great Ranjit Sinhji, sir.
He was a fine cricketer, sir, an Indian gentleman.
He was a fine upstanding man till I whipped his bails off! He did a lot of sneering after that and it made his eyes water.
All right.
We shall certainly need a wicketkeeper.
- I'd like a game, please.
- Well done, Pike.
I'd like to have a go, sir.
And I think I can lay me hands on a couple of reconditioned cricket balls.
- Thank you, Walker.
- I'd oblige if there's not too much running about.
Not too far away from the pavilion 'cause he gets caught short.
Yes, all right.
What about you, Frazer? I'll have a go if somebody will explain the principle of the thing.
Well, I think we've got the nucleus of a team.
- Shall we play them? - (ALL) Yes! That's the spirit.
We'll get the nets up and have a bit of practice.
- Tell them we accept the challenge.
- I will, sir.
- Who's going to be captain? - I am.
Now, watch this ball very carefully, Walker.
Yes, you were very lucky there.
Just pay attention, will you? I want to give you a tip here.
You'll all benefit from this.
Now Whether you're playing forward to a good-length ball, thusor whether you're playing back - Wilson, where are you going? - What? - Where are you going? - I thought I'd skip this lecture.
Skip the? This is just as much for your benefit as anybody else's.
- Oh, is it? I'm so sorry.
- Please pay attention.
Or whether you're playing back to a short-length ball, thus .
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in any case, you always keep the bat absolutely straight.
- Why do you do that? - 'Cause that's the correct way to do it.
If you slash at it in any old way, you'll miss the ball.
- But I hit it.
- Yes, but you were very lucky.
Pike, just send me a good length down, will you? I wouldn't stand there if I were you because that's just where I'm going to put it.
Right, Pike.
Ah, Pike! I want you to pay particular attention to the fact that my eye never leaves the ball from it leaving the bowler's hand to striking the middle of the batthere.
Right.
Sorry about that, Mr Mainwaring.
Sun's very bright today, isn't it? You seem to lose sight of it somewhere between the bowler's arm and the bat, sir.
Pity.
Let's see how you shape up at the wicket, Godfrey.
Thank you, sir.
- Oughtn't I to be wearing pads? - No, we shan't send any fast ones down.
It's just that my shins chip very easily.
Come on, let's see how you shape up at the wicket.
Right, send him one down, Pike.
Pike! That won't do at all.
Have you never played this game? Yes, at the Civil Service Stores I played for the Gentlemen's Outfitting.
Once a year, we had a match against the tobacco and cigarette department.
I nicknamed it ''Gentlemen versus Player's''.
- Why did you call it that? - I was rather a wag in those days.
I see.
Now, you need the left hand a bit further round.
That's it.
Left shoulder further round.
Head down.
Look up.
Feet a little more apart.
And the right arm straight.
That's it.
Now, just relax like that for a moment.
- All right, Pike.
Send one down.
- A googly or an easy one like you had? Just bowl, Pike.
Ah, Pike! Pike! Are you all right? You stupid boy! Now, just a moment.
We can all learn from Pike's bowling mistakes.
In the first place, your left hand wasn't anywhere near high enough.
It's a cartwheel motion.
Like that.
Let's just try that, shall we? Just line up here.
- Shall I remain poised for action, sir? - No, no, stand down, Godfrey.
Now, remember, cartwheel motion, you see? Right, over Over.
Come along, Wilson.
Pretend you're doing a cartwheel.
- I've never done one.
- What about when you were a child? I just never did that sort of thing.
Extraordinary.
That's enough of that.
Let's see how it works in practice.
Sorry I'm late, Mr Mainwaring.
I had to do the coupon counting and then the sausages arrived.
No excuses, Jones.
A parade is a parade.
You should be on time.
I've put your pound of sausages in the right-hand drawer of your desk as usual.
- Yes, thank you, Jones.
Just watch it in future.
- Yes, sir.
- Let's get on with the batting practice.
- I'd like to take the strike, sir.
- Take over from Godfrey.
- Thank you very much, sir.
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, halt.
About turn! Now, I want you to take particular attention of the way I hold the ball.
You see? Finger along the seam, slightly to the left there, and note the wrist action as the ball leaves my hand.
Very good, Godfrey, yes.
And the final flick of the finger, of course .
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which will bring it in from the outside of the off-stump.
- Right, stand clear.
- We hope.
Stand clear, please.
This ball might fox you a bit, Jones, but you must do what you can with it.
- Sir.
- Here we go.
(GLASS SMASHES) (BIRDS SQUAWK) Pike! Ask the vicar if we can have our ball back.
This way, Gerald.
There we are.
EC Egan, isn't it? - Yes, that's right.
- This is a wonderful day for me, I can tell you.
My name's Hodges.
I spoke to you on the telephone.
- Gerald, meet EC Egan.
- Hello.
Hello, Gerald.
He bowled Denis Compton, Len Hutton and Joe Hardstaff inside two overs! I could've had Bill Edrich as well.
Two overs from him and Mainwaring's lot will be back in the pavilion! - Will you tell him? - Not till Mainwaring's at the crease.
Then we can all see his face! I wonder if you'd just mind signing here.
That makes you a warden and it's all official then.
What happens if the siren goes? You resign.
Ah, Mr Hodges.
Have my men not arrived yet? No.
They'll be asleep on guard somewhere.
I don't find that very amusing.
I hear you lot have been practising in secret.
We've been doing a bit in the nets, getting our form back.
You won't have it back for long.
When my blokes come in, just send them through.
- Come on, Gerald.
Ernie.
Can I call you Ernie? - Of course.
- Hello, Mr Mainwaring.
- Ah, Godfrey.
What's that you're wearing? I wear it for bowls.
It keeps me shady when the sun shines.
Oh, no, no, no.
You can't have that.
I'll lend you a cap.
- I got 'em.
- You've got what? - The round things we were talking about.
- The cricket balls? Yeah.
Two pound ten apiece, four pound ten for the pair.
I'm not paying that! Whoever heard of two pounds ten for a cricket ball? Ssh, don't Listen, two quid apiece.
I'm robbing meself.
You'd sell your own grandmother, wouldn't you? There's no market for her.
Good grief! It was old Mr Parkinson.
I knew him well.
You can't play cricket like that! It's all here! I couldnae very well go to that dressed for this, could I? Mr Mainwaring, this cap seems just a little large.
Stuff it with some paper.
Must have you looking turned out well.
Sorry if I'm a bit late, sir.
This bag's rather heavy.
- What's that you're wearing? - Well, it's a club I used to belong to.
- Bit dazzling, isn't it? - You don't actually wear it at the wicket.
I'm well aware of that.
Pike! Where are your white flannels? I haven't got any.
Me mum put them in the dolly tub and they shrunk above me knees.
Come here, boy.
Come here.
(MAINWARING) Pike! Look here, Pike.
You're not only a member of the platoon, but an employee of the bank as well.
And to turn up here looking like that isn't doing you any good.
It could jeopardise your entire career.
- Do you understand? - Yes, sir.
It so happens that I've got a spare pair of flannels.
On this occasion, I'm going to lend them to you.
It's not the sort of thing that I like to do.
Trousers are very personal things, you know.
- Not to be bandied about.
- No.
- They're in my bag.
Go and get them.
- Thank you, sir.
- And take that dreadful eye shade off! - Edward G Robinson wears one.
Not on the cricket field.
- Are you ready, Captain Mainwaring? - Yes, my boys are all ready.
Boys? Blimey! Shall we toss here or go out on the pitch like they do in a test match? - No, we can do it here.
- Right, here we are, then.
J-J-Just a moment.
Shouldn't the umpires do that? It's gonna be like that, is it? Where are the umpires? - Umpires, please! - Umpires! Captain Mainwaring, good afternoon.
Shouldn't we have white coats? Mr Jones is dealing with that.
Ah, he's here now.
All right, don't panic.
I've got the white coats from my shop.
I'm sorry about the blood stains, but a little bit of kidney got left in the pocket.
- Thank you very much, Jones.
- There we are, Vicar.
You call, Captain.
Age before beauty.
Age before beauty! - I'm not used to this sort of thing.
- Don't worry, sir.
It's not real gambling.
- Heads.
- It's tails.
You've lost.
Ah Sorry, Captain.
You're fielding.
It looks as if the good Lord has his doubts about the weather for it.
Yes, it does indeed.
Are you in a hurry to get away after the match, Mr Yeatman? - Not particularly, sir.
- Then you ought to remove your bicycle clips.
Well, it'll be good to hear willow striking leather again, Wilson.
Indeed it will, sir, yes.
We're walking out as free men to play a friendly British game.
That's what we're fighting for.
Of course, sir, yes.
Amongst other things.
- Managed to get them on, then, Pike? - Oh, yes.
The only trouble is you're a bit shorter than I am and a bit fatter.
Yes.
Keep your hands in your pockets till the ball's delivered.
Send them down as fast as you like, sir, and I shall catch them and whip off their bails! Thank you, Jones.
I'll take first strike.
We'll take it easy for a couple of overs, then really get on top of the bowling.
Pike, go a bit closer.
I often get one with a short catch.
If I go any closer, I'll get me head bashed in! Do as you're told, Pike! Well, it's just atouch to the middle.
Oh, that's near enough with him bowling.
- Are you ready, Vicar? - Quite ready, Mr Yeatman.
Will you be saying grace, sir? No, thank you, Mr Yeatman.
I don't think it's usual.
Right.
Play! - Are you going to stand there, lad? - He says I've got to.
You'll get your head bashed in.
Mr Mainwaring, he says I'll get me head bashed in! Stay where you are, Pike! Blimey, I can hear it creaking from 'ere! Howzat! How was that? Very spectacular, but it's not out.
- I didn't even move.
- Well, if you had moved, I'd have had you.
Can I borrow your bat? Do you suppose he's going to do that every time? - He's very keen.
- Is he? There, all shipshape and Bristol fashion, although I don't think that's the right expression.
Play! Four! Just tempting him.
I'm going to enjoy this.
Don't bother to run singles, Gerald.
(BAT STRIKES BALL) (VERGER) Six! Tempting him again, were you, sir? - Please can I stand a bit farther away? - Stay where you are! Look out for a catch this time, Wilson.
I can hardly bear to look, Joe.
Wi-i-ide! Bad luck, sir.
I don't think it was too wide.
He could have reached it easily.
Are you doubting my integrity? No, just your judgment.
Every ball a new adventure, innit? Are you any relation to Tarzan? No ball! - That was my googly.
- From where I was standing, it was a chuck.
And don't argue with the umpire or you'll be sent off.
- You don't send people off at cricket.
- I do.
I suppose I'm lucky not to have been given offside! I'm taking your name for that.
Mainwaring - gross impertinence and sarcasm.
I wonder what he's got up his sleeve with the next one.
I don't know, but I wish I was wearing pads.
Howzat, sir! How was that? How was that, sir? Not out, you old fool! Any berk can tell you that! Jones, come here! Sorry, sir.
I'll try and be quicker next time.
You must make sure he's out of his crease or the vicar will banging those stumps back all day.
Yes, sir.
Well, I'll try and take myself in hand, sir.
Right, let's try again, shall we? This is more than flesh and blood can stand.
Run, Gerald, run! Catch it, Godfrey! Oh Oh, dear! Hurry up, Godfrey! Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.
I've mislaid the ball.
Could I have a little assistance? Frazer, Walker, Pike! Come with me! Come on, Gerald, keep it up! Five.
Six.
Seven.
- Didn't you keep your eye on it? - It's somewhere here, sir.
- Maybe it went down a rabbit hole.
- There aren't any rabbit holes! Damn it, they're still running! Eleven.
Twelve.
- How much longer do we keep this up? - Keep running.
- My legs are shorter than yours.
- Just keep running! Not you! Fourteen.
- Fifteen.
- This is ridiculous! We should have asked for the heavy roller.
Don't you think we can join hands and tread the ground systematically? Nineteen.
Twenty.
'Ere, I tell you what.
What about using the other one? Oh, all right.
Two pounds, did you say? Don't bother.
Have it on me.
Come on! Howzat, sir! How was that? I've busted me point jotting them down! Don't be absurd.
You can't run 24.
It was a lost ball! - You just threw it in.
- We just found it.
Then it can't be a lost ball, can it? Play on! - It's over, Verger, over! - All right, over, then.
(BAT STRIKES BALL) Howzat! How was it? How was it? How was it? How was this? How was that? How was it, sir? and let your lot have a bash, Mainwaring.
That leaves us three hours to get the runs.
I think that's a very sporting declaration.
Yes, sir, very sporting indeed.
As soon as you've finished your tea, lads Ernie, how many overs do you think you'll need to skittle them out? Three or four? I should think about four will see this lot off.
By the way, who's that little fat fella? Where's he gonna bat? - Oh, number one, if I know him.
- Not half, eh? Easy one the first time, pin him to t'side screen wi' t'second 'un! Oh, I'm going to enjoy this! - I'll take first knock, Wilson.
- Yes, of course, sir, naturally.
I understand Mrs Mainwaring might be coming to watch the match.
Oh, no, she's not much of a one for outdoor sports.
I see, yes.
More the indoor type, I suppose.
- No, I wouldn't really say that either.
- Oh.
Keep close in, lads.
We'll probably get a few sitters with this one.
Middle and leg, please, Mr Yeatman! - Well, can't you make up your mind? - I'm only trying to do what's right.
You can't help some people.
Play! Just a moment! That's it, have a good look round.
You won't be there long.
This chap would have been playing for England if the war hadn't started.
Where's he going? It's where he comes to you want to worry about.
That ball leaves his hand at 95 miles an hour! I'm going to enjoy this! Enjoying yourself, Mainwaring? He's not bowling at the stumps, he's bowling at me! - What's up? - Ohhh! - It's my shoulder.
- What are you talking about? Me shoulder, it's gone.
I shan't be able to bowl for two weeks! - Where are you going? - I'm going off! Cor blimey! Now we are in trouble! 'Enry, you better have a bowl! Dear, oh, dear! Serves you right, Hodges.
I'm going to enjoy this.
Play! Blimey, he's hit it! - Yes! - Go on.
Well done! - Hey! - Out! You're out.
Leg before wicket.
As plain as the nose on your face.
You're out! Try to control your staff, Vicar.
There'll always be an England While there's a country lane Wherever there's a cottage small Beside a field of grain There'll always be an England Very good! Wherever there's a turning wheel A million marching feet Red, white and blue, what does it mean to you? Surely you're proud, shout it aloud, ''Britons awakeI'' The Empire, too, we can depend on you Freedom remains, these are the chains nothing can break There'll always be an England And England shall be free If England means as much to you As England means to me Come on! 'Ere, Sergeant Wilson's doing very well.
That's 81 he's made.
Yes.
He's had some very narrow escapes.
That's it.
You're in, Godfrey.
We only want five runs to win.
Just try not to get out and perhaps Wilson will scrape them.
Let me go in again, sir.
Let me go in again.
- Don't be silly.
That's not allowed.
- I could disguise myself as an alternative person.
He'll be out first ball.
I know it.
He hit it! Run! Foolish! He should've taken the single and left it to Wilson.
It's gonna be a six! That's it.
- Well done, Godfrey.
- Well done.
- Are you all right? - I knew you'd do it.
I had complete confidence! - Well done, Godfrey.
You've saved the day.
- I should never have declared.
- Ah, but you did.
- You wait for the football season, mate! We're ready for any challenge, whether it comes from you or across the Channel.
Isn't that so? (ALL) Right! - Three cheers for the losers.
Hip-hip - (ALL) Hooray! - Hip-hip - Hooray! - Hip-hip - Hooray! - And one for Godfrey and Wilson.
Hip-hip - Hooray! (AIR-RAID SIREN) Here they come again.
Right, men, get to your posts as quickly as you can! At the double!