Doug (1991) s04e10 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL,
FUNNY HOW ON THE BEST HOLIDAY
THE WORST THING
THAT COULD HAPPEN, HAPPENED.
THE TROUBLE STARTED A COUPLE
OF DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
[ cheering]
OH!
I GOT IT!
HERE WE COME!
[ yelps]
[ yelps]
[ barking]
Boy:
HEADS UP!
GO AWAY, PORKCHOP, I'M BUSY!
OW!
MY LEG!
SOMEBODY HELP!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
Boy:
I SAW THE WHOLE THING.
All:
OH!
YOU POOR THING.
WHAT HAPPENED?
PORKCHOP
ATTACKED BEEBE.
WHAT? PORKCHOP
HE WHAT?
Patti:
BEEBE,
ARE YOU OKAY?
MY LEG!
[ crying]
I SAW THE
WHOLE THING!
HE CAME UP BEHIND
HER AND BIT HER.
PORKCHOP, BAD DOG!
[ whimpers]
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ yelps]
[ barks]
Doug:
PORKCHOP, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?
YOU NEVER DID
ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.
YOU DON'
BITE PEOPLE!
EVEN IF
IT IS BEEBE.
[ barking]
QUIT CLOWNING AROUND, PORKCHOP!
THIS IS SERIOUS!
YOU GO IN YOUR IGLOO
AND THINK ABOU
WHAT YOU DID.
[ whimpering]
[ tires screeching]
DOUG! COME ON, WE'RE
GOING TO BE LATE!
COME ON, DOUGIE
ONLY TWO MORE CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING HOURS
UNTIL MOM GETS HOME.
HONESTLY, YOU'RE
SLOWER THAN CHRISTMAS.
Chorus:
YOU KNOW HE'S BLUFFINGTON'S
OWN FAVORITE SON ♪
HE USED TO BE THE MAYOR. ♪
SO NOW TUNE IN,
SIT BACK AND RELAX ♪
HIS HONOR'S ON THE AIR. ♪
AND HERE'S MY SECRET.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU MARINATE
THE COCKTAIL WEENIES
IN GRAPE JELLY FIRST.
Woman:
Oh, my! That does
sound delicious.
IT'S THE MAYOR'S RECIPE. ♪
NEXT CALLER.
Woman:
Is it all right
if I still call you Mayor?
WELL, AS YOU KNOW,
DUE TO A FLUKE ELECTION
I'M NOT THE OFFICIAL MAYOR
BUT SINCE
THE CURRENT MAYOR IS AWAY
TIPPY, TIPPY, TIPPY
CREAMED HIM AT THE POLLS. ♪
YOU CAN CALL ME THE MAYOR.
WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION?
I suppose you heard that little
girl was attacked by that dog?
LITTLE GIRL ATTACKED!
I HOPE PORKCHOP DOESN'
THINK THAT I HATE HIM.
YEAH, UH-HUH.
THEY DON'T HAVE
ANY NINE-IRONS
LIKE DAD WANTS.
[ gasps]
HOW ABOUT WE GET HIM
THREE THREE-IRONS?
COOL!
WELL, THAT WAS
EASIER THAN I THOUGHT.
PERFECT.
I DECIDED
IT WAS CHEAPER
TO GET A TWO
AND A SEVEN-IRON.
I HOPE HE DOESN'
ALREADY HAVE ONE.
[ loud commotion]
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
[ blowing whistle]
EXCUSE ME,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
EXCUSE ME.
[ camera shutters clicking,
flashbulbs popping]
PORKCHOP!
HEY, STAY
IN BACK.
BUT THAT'S MY
White:
STAND BACK, FOLKS.
IT'S ALL UNDER
CONTROL NOW.
YOUR HOLIDAY
IS SAVED.
Chorus:
IT'S THE MAYOR. ♪
YES, THE MAYOR'S HERE. ♪
THANKS TO ME,
YOUR FORMER MAYOR
THE CHILDREN
OF BLUFFINGTON
ARE SAFE
FROM THIS, UH
THIS BRUTAL TRAINED
KILLING MACHINE.
THAT BRUTAL KILLING MACHINE. ♪
TAKE HIM AWAY, BOYS!
YOU CAN ALL
RELAX NOW.
WE'RE PUTTING THA
DOG AWAY FOR GOOD.
WAIT! WHAT HAPPENED?
STOP!
LET'S GO.
PORKCHOP!
[ Porkchop whines]
CAN THEY REALLY
PUT PORKCHOP
AWAY FOR GOOD?
I WOULDN'T WORRY.
EVERYBODY'S THINKING
ABOUT PEACE ON EARTH
AND GOODWILL TOWARD DOGS.
[ doorbell rings]
DOUGLAS, ARE YOU SURE
PORKCHOP WAS JUST TRYING
TO PLAY WITH BEEBE?
OF COURSE, MOM.
PORKCHOP WOULDN'T HURT A FLEA.
A RAVING MAD
LUNATIC DOG
LIVING RIGHT UNDER OUR ROOF.
JUDITH!
DOUG, IT'S FOR YOU.
IT'S ALWAYS
THE QUIET ONES.
WHAT IS IT, DEAR?
IT'S FROM MR. BLUFF'S LAWYER.
THEY'RE PRESSING CHARGES
AGAINST PORKCHOP.
LET'S SEE THAT.
THIS LOOKS PRETTY
SERIOUS, PHIL.
WHAT DO WE DO?
EVERYBODY KNOWS
PORKCHOP'S A NICE DOG.
WE CAN GE
EVERYBODY TO SAY
WHAT A NICE DOG
PORKCHOP IS!
HUH?
WE COULD CIRCULATE
A PETITION SAYING JUST THAT,
AND TAKE IT TO MR. BLUFF.
THANKS, MOM, DAD
BUT PORKCHOP IS MY DOG
AND BEST FRIEND.
I THINK I SHOULD
DO THIS MYSELF.
SEE YOU!
OF COURSE
I'LL SIGN, DOUGLAS.
ALL RIGHT!
IF TIPPY WAS IN TOWN
I KNOW SHE'D WANT TO SIGN, TOO.
I'LL GET THE RES
OF THE TOWN TO SIGN IT.
WELL, SURE YOU WILL.
GOOD LUCK!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, DOUGLAS!
IT STARTED OUT GREAT,
BUT THEN
NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE
MIXED UP IN THIS MESS.
BUT
HE WANTS TO PU
MY DOG TO SLEEP.
YOUR DOG, DOUG?
THEY CAN'T DO THAT.
YOU'LL SIGN?
SURE.
HONEY, THAT'S THE DOG
ON THE NEWS.
OH SORRY.
Woman:
THIS IS CHRISTMAS.
IT'S NO TIME FOR PETITIONS.
IT'S TIME FOR PRESENTS
AND COOKIES
AND STRUDEL AND
BUT MRS. SPINDLE
THIS IS SUPPOSED
TO BE A HAPPY TIME.
SAVE IT FOR AFTER
THE HOLIDAY.
BUT BY THEN IT'LL BE TOO LATE.
YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGH
OF THAT BEFORE.
IT WAS NO USE; NOBODY CARED.
THEY WERE TOO BUSY
WITH THEIR OWN CHRISTMAS.
Announcer:
One brave little girl quietly
recovers from a vicious attack.
Thanks to former Mayor White
the dog is in custody
in the city's pound.
Action-eye News has put together
this recreation
of "The Nightmare
on Lucky Duck Lake."
HELLO, DOGGY.
NICE DOGGY!
[ growling]
[ screaming]
HELP ME!
[ continues screaming]
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED.
THIS WAS WAY OUT OF CONTROL.
I HAD TO TALK TO BEEBE, BUT
WHEN I GOT TO THE HOSPITAL
MR. BLUFF?
HELLO?
I'M DOUG FUNNIE.
CAN I TALK TO BEEBE?
OH! NO, SORRY,
OUT OF THE QUESTION.
SHE'S MUCH
TOO TRAUMATIZED.
BUT MR. BLUFF, THAT'S
WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
PORKCHOP DIDN'T MEAN
TO HURT BEEBE.
HE WAS JUST PLAYING
OR SOMETHING.
WE'LL LE
THE COURT DECIDE
WHETHER PUTTING A GIRL
IN THE HOSPITAL
IS JUST PLAYING.
BUT MR. BLUFF
I'M SORRY, IT'S NO USE;
I JUST DON'T LIKE DOGS.
THEY DON'T HAVE
ANY MONEY.
THAT'S NO REASON
TO HURT PORKCHOP.
IT'S A PERFECT REASON.
HE'S A DOG, ISN'T HE?
HE'S NOT JUST A DOG,
MR. BLUFF.
HE'S REALLY SMART;
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
TAKE MY ADVICE, YOUNG MAN,
GET A NEW BEST FRIEND.
I KNEW THEN I NEEDED HELP,
AND I KNEW JUST WHO TO TURN TO.
AH!
YOU!
QUAIL MAN.
YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
I READ YOUR
COMIC BOOKS
BUT WHAT ARE
WE DOING HERE?
Boy:
SOMETHING ABOU
A MISSING DOG.
SMASH ADAMS!
TWO MARTS--
STIRRED, NOT SHAKEN.
YOU'RE BEHIND THIS?
NOT HARDLY.
BUT THEN, WHO
SENT FOR US?
Doug:
I DID, GENTLEMEN.
I'VE BROUGHT YOU HERE BECAUSE
YOU'RE THE THREE GREATEST HEROES
IN THE WORLD, AND TOGETHER WE'RE
GOING TO GET PORKCHOP BACK!
Doug:
ENTRANCES HERE.
GUARD TOWER, BARBED-WIRE FENCE.
PORKCHOP IS SOMEPLACE
INSIDE HERE.
OUR MISSION:
GET PORKCHOP OUT!
ANY IDEAS?
I'D FLY IN AND ASK THE GUARDS
NICELY TO LET PORKCHOP OUT.
I CAN'T FLY.
OH, RIGHT.
RACE?
I'D GO IN AND STAR
PUNCHING THE GUARDS
UH-UH.
MAYBE NOT.
SMASH?
YOU'D NEED SOME
HIGH-TECH GADGETRY.
DO YOU KNOW ANYBODY
WHO CAN HELP YOU--
INVENTORS,
TECHNICAL PEOPLE?
Boy:
WE MAY HAVE JUST THE THING.
WE HAVE WORKED OU
MANY DEVICES
HERE IN OUR
FATHER'S BAKERY
THAT COMBINE
THE DELICIOUS FLAVOR
OF HOLIDAY BAKED GOODS
WITH STATE-OF-THE-AR
WEAPONS TECHNOLOGY.
I DON'T WAN
TO HURT ANYBODY.
THEN THIS IS ALL WE HAVE,
A HOLIDAY CUPCAKE
BUT CONCEALED INSIDE
IS A SMOKE BOMB.
YOU SIMPLY PULL OFF
THE CHERRY AND THROW.
PERFECT!
NO CUPCAKES ALLOWED.
WHAT?
BUT THAT'S
A CHRISTMAS PRESEN
FOR MY DOG.
NOW, SKEET.
OH, I FEEL SICK.
OH, OH
[ phone rings]
HELLO.
YES, WE'RE KEEPING
A CLOSE WATCH ON HIM.
COOL, MAN!
[ moaning]
[ laughing]
[ barking]
SHH! SHH!
PORKCHOP?
PORKCHOP?
[ barks]
"VERY BAD DOGS."
STOP!
DON'T EAT THE
[ explosion]
[ laughing nervously]
Doug:
PORKCHOP?
PORKCHOP?
[ barking]
"VERY, VERY BAD DOGS."
OH, NO.
PORK
[ barking]
Man:
ALL RIGHT!
OUT YOU GO!
NO, NO!
I JUST WANT TO
PLEASE
[ fading:]
PORKCHOP!
IT WAS HOPELESS.
THE TRIAL WAS THE NEXT DAY.
I TRIED TO COME UP
WITH SOME WAY TO SAVE HIM
BUT ALL I COULD THINK ABOU
WAS THE CHRISTMAS
WHEN I GOT PORKCHOP.
[ barking]
[ laughing]
AND THEN LAST CHRISTMAS,
WHEN HE GAVE ME THIS JOURNAL.
[ thunder]
BUT THIS CHRISTMAS
[ thunder]
LOOK, DAVE, I'M MISSING
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY!
CALL ME "YOUR HONOR," BILL.
WE'LL BE DONE IN NO TIME.
COURT IS IN SESSION.
THE PEOPLE OF BLUFFINGTON
v. PORKCHOP THE DOG.
Crowd:
AH! OH!
[ gasps] PORKCHOP!
EVERYBODY QUIET DOWN
OR I'LL CLEAR THE COURT!
EVERYTHING HAPPENED SO FAST.
THE SPECIAL DOG PSYCHOLOGIST
TOLD EVERYBODY THAT
WELL, IN MY EXPERT OPINION
THESE CLOSE-SET EYES
DEFINITELY INDICATE
A PRONOUNCED INSTABILITY
AND POSSIBLE KILLER TENDENCIES.
THAT GAVE ME TIME
TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND PORKCHOP.
GO TO
SOUNDS LIKE "RAKE"?
LAKE?
YOU WANT US TO GO
TO THE LAKE, PORKCHOP?
LOOK AT HIM!
HE'S ACTING CRAZY!
THAT DOG'S A KILLER!
HUH?
ORDER! ORDER!
THEN THEY DROPPED THEIR BOMB.
THE PROSECUTION HAS BU
ONE WITNESS LEFT TO CALL.
YOUR HONOR, I ASK THA
BEEBE BLUFF TAKE THE STAND.
Crowd:
OH! AH!
HUH!
[ dismayed clamor]
Woman:
SHE'S SO SWEET!
ORDER!
ORDER IN THE COURT!
ORDER, I SAY!
SHE REALLY WAS HURT.
YOU DIDN'T SAY
HE BIT HER THAT HARD.
I DIDN'T KNOW.
I HAD NO IDEA.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
I WISH I HAD KNOWN.
WE SHOULD
PLEAD GUILTY
AND MAYBE WE CAN FIND
SOMEBODY TO TESTIFY.
WHAT? PLEAD GUILTY?
ARE YOU CRAZY?
PORKCHOP DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING WRONG!
LISTEN TO ME, THERE'S
NO OTHER CHOICE.
I KNOW WHAT
[ arguing loudly]
QUIET!
[ light rattling]
I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO DEAL WITH THIS MYSELF.
Beebe:
HE PULLED ME ACROSS
THE ICE BY MY FOOT.
OH, IT SOUNDS
WORSE THAN IT
NO FURTHER
QUESTIONS.
IT DIDN'T HURT
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!
YOU CAN STEP DOWN.
DO I GET TO ASK
SOME QUESTIONS?
YOUR HONOR, I BEG YOU.
SHE'S MUCH TOO TIRED TO SUFFER
ANY FURTHER TORMENT.
BUT
ISN'T SHE A BRAVE LITTLE
GIRL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?
YES!
[ cheering]
I'M READY TO RENDER A VERDICT.
DOESN'T PORKCHOP
GET TO TELL HIS SIDE?
HOW IS HE GOING TO DO THAT?
DOES ANYONE SPEAK DOG?
[ laughing]
YOUR HONOR, IF WE COULD
JUST GO OUT TO THE LAKE.
OUT OF THE QUESTION.
I'M NOT ABOUT TO HAUL
THIS ENTIRE
PLEASE!
YOUNG MAN,
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE.
WE ALL HAVE
FAMILIES WAITING.
THAT'S WHA
I'M SAYING.
PORKCHOP IS PART OF MY FAMILY,
LIKE BEEBE IS PART OF HERS.
Judge:
HE'S JUST A DOG.
YES, BUT HE'S A PAR
OF OUR COMMUNITY
LIKE EVERYBODY HERE.
WELL, MAYBE NO
THE BIGGEST PAR
BUT ISN'T CHRISTMAS
WHEN WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SHOW
HOW MUCH WE CARE?
SHOW HOW MUCH WE CARE
ABOUT EVERYBODY?
MRS. WERTZ,
WHEN YOU WENT AWAY
WHO BABY-SAT LITTLE
JIMMY AND JEFFIE?
PORKCHOP.
MR. AND MRS. LARKEN,
WHEN YOUR HOUSE BURNED DOWN
WHO WAS THERE
THE NEXT MORNING TO HELP?
PORKCHOP.
Woman:
HE LENT ME
20 BUCKS.
HE HELPED ME FIX
MY TRANSMISSION.
HE SAVED MY HAIR.
HMM.
Doug:
JUDGE PETERSON
AFTER YOUR
DAUGHTER GO
IN THAT ACCIDEN
WHO TAUGHT HER
TO WALK AGAIN?
I HELPED
A LITTLE.
NOW PORKCHOP
NEEDS OUR HELP.
SHOULDN'T WE GIVE HIM
A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN?
WE HAD BETTER FIND
SOMETHING OUT THERE.
COURT WILL RECONVENE
AT LUCKY DUCK LAKE.
Beebe:
SO I WAS SKATING ALONG HERE,
AND HE BIT ME.
Doug:
WHERE WERE YOU EXACTLY?
Beebe:
I DON'T KNOW.
AROUND HERE SOMEPLACE.
THERE'S THE PINECONE
WE USED FOR A PUCK.
OKAY, SO I WAS SKATING
OVER THERE.
LOOK, HE'S DOING
IT AGAIN.
HE'S TRYING
TO ATTACK MY BABY.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
IT'S JUST LUCKY WE HAVE
THESE GUARDS THIS TIME!
WE'VE SEEN ENOUGH!
THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOME REASON.
PORKCHOP,
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT DO YOU WAN
TO SHOW ME?
[ screaming]
BABY!
STOP! IT'S THIN ICE!
SOMEBODY HELP!
[ gasping]
Man:
OH, MY GOODNESS!
THAT'S WHAT HE WAS DOING!
HE WAS KEEPING BEEBE
FROM THE THIN ICE.
[ cheering]
PORKCHOP!
SO IN ONE HOUR, PORKCHOP WENT
FROM BEING A KILLER TO A HERO.
[ sneezing]
[ doorbell rings]
ALL CHRISTMAS DAY, PEOPLE CAME
BY TO SEE HIM, INCLUDING
BEEBE WANTED TO ASK
IF THERE WAS ANY WAY
WE COULD THANK PORKCHOP
FOR SAVING HER LIFE.
TWICE.
I DIDN'T HAVE ANY IDEA,
BUT PORKCHOP DID.
SO CHRISTMAS DAY
THERE WAS A FANTASTIC DINNER
LIKE NEVER BEFORE,
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN
FOR ALL THE DOGS
FROM THE POUND.
THE FORMER MAYOR
USED HIS RADIO SHOW
TO FIND HOMES FOR ALL THE DOGS
AND MR. BLUFF HIMSELF
GAVE THE TOAST.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
AND A SPECIAL
AND HEARTFELT THANKS
TO THE GREATEST HERO
BLUFFINGTON HAS
EVER SEEN: PORKCHOP!
HIP, HIP
All:
HOORAY
DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
FA LA LA LA LA ♪
LA LA LA LA ♪
'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪
FA LA LA LA LA ♪
LA LA LA LA ♪
DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL ♪
FA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
LA LA LA ♪
TROLL THE ANCIEN
YULETIDE CAROLS ♪
FA LA LA LA LA ♪
LA LA LA LA. ♪