Grounded For Life (2001) s04e10 Episode Script

Hey, Ed, what's up? Sean, what's with all these toiletries? Oh, I don't know.
They're Claudia's.
She's having some kind of party tomorrow.
Why don't you take some of this lotion? I've got more than I need here.
No, thanks.
No, thanks.
No, no! Come on, come on.
Come on.
Just have a little bit.
No! All right.
Okay.
Aw, come on! What'd you do that for? You could have easily have prevented that.
The girls' planning group.
Good.
They brought all the stuff.
Yeah.
Hey, what's the deal? Muffy and I are hosting an Esper's Oils party.
A what? Esper's Oils.
They're spa-quality bath and body products.
What? You're gonna sell this stuff? Yeah.
Don't you remember a few months ago, I went over to Virginia's? She had a party.
I bought all sorts of stuff.
Do you have any exfoliating facial scrubs? Yes.
Actually, I have an apricot scrub that's really-- You're mocking me.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
No.
That's okay.
You know what? Today, you two aren't gonna get to me.
Okay.
Why? What are you so happy about? Oh, nothing really.
Justout of curiosity, what do you think it would be like being married to a model? I don't know.
It'd probably be kind of a drag.
I was just wondering, 'cause today I was approached by a fashion photographer.
What? Why? 'Cause he said I have an incredible look.
Can I help you? Well, I'm--I'm sorry.
I'm staring, aren't I? Yes, you are.
Oh.
Well, uh pardon me.
But, umexcuse me.
I'm a photographer, and you have an incredible look.
Where have I seen you before? I don't know.
You do catalog work.
Bloomingdales? [laughs.]
No.
I've never done modeling.
That just surprises me.
Would you mind if I was to give you my card? Would you consider calling me? "Derek Purcell, fashion photographer"? Mm.
"New York, London, Paris, and Hanoi"? Vietnam is the new Brazil.
And that's just something to think about.
He wants to take some pictures of me.
Can you believe that? Yeah.
He wants to take pictures of you and him doing it.
Excuse me? Come on.
Eddie's right, Claudia.
This guy was hitting on you.
No, he wasn't.
Oh, "Vietnam's the new Brazil"? Please! Nepal is the new Brazil.
This guy's a hack.
He's a professional photographer! No! This guy's a scam artist! My own brother's one of those guys! I've seen guys like this in action all the time! I know how it goes down! Can I help you? You could hurt me, and all I would say is, "Thank you.
" You are so beautiful.
I'm a photographer.
You must be a model.
I've never done any modeling work.
What? With that rack? That's crazy.
Not letting those be photographed-- that's like not letting a cheetah run.
It's unnatural.
It's cruel.
Do me a favor.
Do yourself a favor.
Do those a favor and take my card.
Call me.
[shutter snapping rapidly.]
That's uncanny.
Were you watching from across the street? What happened next? Hey! Hey, what are you kids doing there? You know, we were just listening.
Yeah.
Could you please go someplace else? Did this guy ever shoot for maximum? Go! Baby, come on.
I'm just saying you way underestimate the depths to which a man will sink to score with a hot chick.
That is so insulting! How? I'm calling you a hot chick! Yeah.
He's calling you a hot chick! Shut up! You know, you should take a page from that guy's book.
What are you talking about? Well, you want to score with Lorna Pecosta, right? Well, then you gotta be gutsy.
Take no prisoners, like that guy who hit on your mom.
He didn't care about looking stupid, and he almost scored.
No.
No, no, no.
He did not almost score on my mom.
Who tried to score on Mom? Oh, nobody.
He's an idiot.
I know.
Watch this.
Lily, anybody ever tell you you got the goods? What? I'm just saying, I got a new camera, film, batteries, the whole 9 yards.
Oh, and you'd like to take my picture? Yes.
Perhaps we could discuss this further behind some nearby garage.
I hope you were taking notes! ** [theme.]
Hey, just stay away from me.
Come on.
I did you a solid.
That was a solid? No.
That was a disaster! I got results! Hey, guys, what is going on? Nothing.
Bobby made a solid.
I didn't make a solid.
I did Jimmy a solid.
I'm still not clear on the difference.
Yes! My yearbook pictures came! Ooh! Open them! [squeals.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What, what, what? Let me see.
They're grotesque.
My goodness.
Those aren't so bad.
They're horrible! I look like a hideous cross between a leprechaun and a-- I don't know.
Whatever would have sex with a leprechaun.
Come on.
It's one picture.
I mean, you are gorgeous.
Oh, and what would you know? You've never taken a bad picture in your life.
You have boys thinking you're a model.
One boy.
Well, maybe he could take my picture.
For Freak Magazine! Honey, come on.
You are a babe.
You need to relax.
Maybe you should do Esper's Effervescent Mineral Soap.
Okay.
Can I use a mud mask, too? Yeah, sure, whatever.
Take it.
Oh, sure.
Anything to cover up the monster! Look, I don't see what you're so upset about.
You said you wanted to get close to Lorna.
I'm well aware of what I said, you moron.
What did you do? Your brother was too scared to make his move, so I moved him.
[overlapping chatter.]
Say something.
I'm just waiting for the right moment.
Oh.
Here it is.
Ow! Hey, Lorna.
Hey, Jimmy.
Yeah.
Well, that geometry quiz was something else, huh? Yeah.
I guess.
Soakatowa, right? What? Oh, you know.
Sign is equal to opposite over hypotenus, so co-sign is-- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Enough of this "hypotenusness.
" So, Lorna, we're having a study party over at Jimmy's house.
It's gonna be wild.
What? Really? Yeah.
I'm gonna bring over my Junkie Boys tapes-- the uncut version.
So, why don't you guys come? Wow.
Good work.
No! It was humiliating! Is Lorna not coming over here or not? You don't even speak English! What? Hey.
Oh, God, what's that smell? It's not a smell, it's a scent.
What scent? Lavender and jasmine and freesia and lily.
Yeah, well, my eyes are watering.
You should blow them out.
No.
I mean, God forbid for one day, our house doesn't smell like bacon and Play-Doh.
Well, I'm blowing them out.
No, you're not.
Don't you touch those candles.
You two know as little about aromatherapy as you do about photography.
Ooh! Ooh! After what you said yesterday, I called Derek Purcell at his studio, and what do you know? He wasn't flirting with me.
He's married.
Oh, my God.
Eddie, how could we be so wrong? No, no.
God, a married man's never hit on a woman before.
It just eats you up that someone might actually have an artistic interest in taking my picture.
Oh, come on, baby.
This guy Derek Purcell is a guy, okay? He wants to get in your pants, and everyone agrees with me on this! Oh, who is everyone? I took a poll.
So are you gonna kick his ass, Sean? I should, right? I mean, the jerk was hitting on her.
A photographer? And she bought it.
Yeah, well, he had a card that said "photographer," which means, "Hey, I'm a photographer.
Why don't you take off your top and let me take your picture?" [all laugh.]
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Like women are really gonna believe some big fashion photographer lives on Staten Island, right? [all laugh.]
Hey, it worked with his wife.
Hey, hey, how do you think I met her? [all laugh.]
I once scored by telling a woman I was Chuck Yeager.
Isn't he like 80? I told her supersonic flight slows the aging process.
[all laugh.]
Oh! But why go to all that trouble when all you've gotta do is print up a few bogus business cards and, "Hello, ladies!" Yeah! Yeah! So, you and all your friends just sat around, laughing at how stupid I am? No.
They're not my friends.
I don't even know these guys.
Oh, that helps.
Baby, I was looking out for you.
Right.
Because I'm too stupid to know when I'm being hit on.
You're not stupid.
Naive.
Shut up, Eddie.
Eddie's right, baby.
You're kind of gullible.
I mean, look how you fell for this whole Esper's Oils scam.
Fell for it? This is a business opportunity.
What? It's a pyramid scheme.
It is not! Yes, I had to pay Regina a fee to host my party, but if any of my friends want to host their own parties, they have to pay me.
Oh, wow.
That sounds vaguely familiar.
It sounds like a pyramid scheme! You know, you think you know everything, don't you? You know everything.
You know everything about beauty products, and you know everything about photography, and then-- You--you misunderstand me! Of course I misunderstand you.
You use such big words.
Oh, give me a break, Claudia! You're overreacting! Am I overreacting? How can you be so sure? Don't you want to go back down to your little bar and take another poll? I don't have to on this one.
It is obvious! Oh, yeah? You know what else is obvious? I married an ass! [door opens, slams shut.]
I'm blowing out the candles.
All right.
So "So"? So, what? So, that was a pretty bad fight.
It wasn't that bad.
We've had worse.
Okay.
I mean, she's been gone a long time.
No.
She hasn't been gone that long.
This is just what she does.
You think she's ever coming back? Oh, God, no.
You're probably right! No, no, no! Oh, no! My wife's left me because of a 5-minute fight! Yeah.
Oh, God! I've driven her away! I'm gonna have to raise our children by myself! Oh, my God.
What? Mom left? No, Mom didn't leave.
Where is she? Well, she left, but she's coming back.
You don't know that.
Shut up, Ed.
Am I gonna be an orphan? No! Orphans are cool.
They eat porridge and dance and sing on the streets.
Your parents have to die for you become an orphan.
Oh, right.
Ours are just getting divorced.
We're not getting divorced.
So then, where's Mom? We ju-- We had a little fight.
Oh, no.
Guys, c-- [doorbell rings.]
It's gonna be all right.
Just go upstairs or something, all right? Hey, Sean.
Oh, Faye.
Hey, listen, Um, about the oil party.
You're probably gonna have to call the other ladies and tell them that-- Hey! Hi, Sean.
Oh, hi.
Hello.
Hi.
A pleasure.
Wow, there's a lot of you.
Okay.
Uh, okay.
Well, okay.
Just come on in.
Make yourselves at home.
Uh have some veggies.
Uh, thanks.
Um where's Claudia? She stepped out, but she's coming right back.
So, just make yourselves comfortable, and I'll look for some food.
Hi.
I'm Eddie.
A lot of good stuff here.
You try the Lavender Interlude? We dated for 2 months.
Oh, how you doing? How are you? How are you? Faye.
Faye.
UhUh hey, Henry, cut up some of that string cheese and put toothpicks in it, okay? I remember when Mom used to make us food.
That was like Hey, little A, I need you to go to the store for me! Come on.
Come on down here now.
Come on.
What do you want from me? Is my life not hell enough for you? Is the agony that I go through every single day not sufficient? Have you seen what I look like? Look, I don't have time for this, okay? Your Mom's friends need some food.
Well, why don't you show them my face? Maybe they'll lose their appetite.
Aw, come on.
You're beautiful.
I'm a gargoyle.
Well, fine, then.
It's dark out, so cling to the shadows and go get those women some Pringles! Go! Uhh! I can't believe this.
My parents might actually split up.
You should be so lucky.
Divorce rules! You get 2 birthdays, No, no.
I want 2 parents.
Nah.
You'll love it.
Just, you gotta keep asking them.
"Mommy, was it my fault? Daddy, was it my fault?" You'll never wear the same Pumas twice.
[knock on door.]
Come in.
Hey, Jimmy, Bobby.
Hello, ladies.
Let's get this party started.
A'ight? Girlie, the females are here.
Why? What's the point? Statistics show children of divorce are twice as likely to have failed marriages themselves.
That's a great statistic.
How many square feet are there, and who cares? You know what? Just leave me alone.
Will do.
Is he okay? He'll be fine.
Now punch me in the stomach as hard as you can.
What? It's a flirting thing.
Uhh! I was just kidding.
Okay, ladies.
Ha ha! How's it going? [sniffs.]
Do I smell lilac? Sean, it's been a while.
Where exactly is Claudia? Well, she had to run out, but she'll be-- She left him.
What? Eddie! Look, the sooner you accept it, the sooner you'll get on with your life.
It's been 45 minutes! What did you do? Why does it have to be something I did? No.
There's another man.
There's not another man! Look, I was just defending you.
My dad said she was dumb and couldn't be a model, and then he told me I was ugly and could only go out at night! Okay! All right! You are taking that way out of context, young lady! [door slams.]
He's really good with the boys.
Mom, what are you doing? I'm just looking at this map.
Where are you going? Nowhere.
There's just nothing else to read in here.
Why don't you just come home.
I can't.
I made this big, dramatic exit, so I gotta let your dad sit around and stew for at least a couple hours if I want it to have any impact at all.
So you're just gonna sit out here and freeze to teach Dad a lesson? I know.
Usually I just go to one of my friend's places.
So? So, they're all in the living room for my party.
Uhh! [opens door.]
[exhales.]
Honey, you're carrying them around with you? Well, I didn't want anybody to stumble on them.
They might gouge their eyes out.
Darling, it doesn't even look like you.
You're making a really strange face.
Well, I was trying to look cool.
Whassup? There we go.
Perfect.
Next victim.
Hmm.
Hello, pretty lady.
[bells jingle.]
Come on.
Where's your smile? I'm not gonna smile.
I'm going for a look.
Picture the principal with no pants on.
The principal's a nun.
Okay.
Don't do that.
Take the picture.
All right.
Fine.
All right.
You know what? You know what? I just want to see some teeth.
Let me see some teeth.
Where'd they go? Oh, did you go to the crazy dentist? Did the crazy dentist steal all your teeth and sell them to the gypsies? Is that what happened? Stop it! No! Oh, come on.
Big smile.
Ready? Ooga-booga! [honks.]
[shutter snaps.]
Great.
Next victim.
Oh, my God.
[groans.]
"Derek Purcell"? Do you know him? He's the guy.
The jet-set fashion photographer who discovered me.
He's your yearbook photographer? Yeah.
Uhh! Ha ha ha! Hey! He also does a calendar of cats wearing doll clothes.
[laughs.]
Sorry.
Do me a favor, all right? Go home, get me a blanket and a toothbrush and a change of clothes.
You can't live in the car.
Oh, people do it all the time.
Hey, Jimmy.
Mom, listen, I've been thinking, and I want to live with you.
What are you talking about? I'm not blind, Mom! Stop trying to shield me from the truth! Okay.
This is ridiculous.
[thud.]
Jimmy! Aah! What do you want? [climbing down from hood of car.]
Why'd you leave? Things were just starting to get interesting.
My life is over.
You missed my Eminem impression! * I love to make a move without Dr.
Dre * Okay.
Buckle up.
We're going home.
[engine starts.]
[brakes squeal.]
Look, I was looking out for Claudia.
There are some bad people out there.
Oh, so you were protecting her, then.
I don't even know why you let her go outside.
Oh, come on.
You know what I was talking about.
This guy was scamming on her.
He was putting the moves on her.
Because she's not anorexic with silicone breasts and collagen lips, she can't be a model? That's not what I said.
Do you realize how damaging that attitude is to girls growing up these days? I don't run a fashion magazine! No.
You quit a good city job to buy a run-down bar and run it with your weirdo brother.
Why am I being dragged into it, Faye? He's the one who drove her out of here.
Yeah.
Thanks, Ed.
[door opens.]
Mom's back! Thank God, Claudia, you're back.
Hey, stay away from her, you! Are you all right? Pack your bags.
You can stay at my place.
Come on! It's all right, everybody.
I'm not leaving.
Sweetie, you need to break the cycle.
It's not a cycle.
Sean was right.
Ha! Homewreckers! Baby, they were picking on me.
Hey, Jimmy.
Mind if I hang out here? Uhyeah, sure, I guess.
Are you okay? I don't know.
I mean, my parents are really freaking me out.
Their marriage could fall apart at any moment.
That's really rough.
I just, you know, can't help but thinking is it something I did or something I should have done? You know, I just feel so lost.
Uh You know, life can just [sighs.]
feel so damn meaningless.
All right, Jimmy.
I taught him that.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
[sizzles.]
What are you smoking? My yearbook picture.
Oh, let me see.
[lighter clicks.]
What are you doing? I'm burning it.
Yeah, but you're supposed to tell me it's not that bad.
You know how bad it is.
That's why you were burning it.
Yeah, but Okay, what do you want-- me to play the game? I'll do that.
Oh, it's not that bad.
It's really not that bad.
No.
Stop, stop.
Mom and Dad already did that.
Hey, did you ever see your mother's yearbook photo? No.
You want to? Sure.
Well, you can't because she took a marker and she blacked out her picture in every copy of the yearbook.
Really? Yeah.
Legend has it, she had something hanging out of her nose.
Wow.
It's the same then as it is now.
It's an ugly picture of a pretty girl.
Thanks.
Oh, no problem.
Should I burn the rest? Yeah, I would.
Hey, is that the face you want to make? Yes.
Yes! Are you sure? All right.
Take the shade off the lamp, please.
Oh, put it back on.
Take it back off.
What do you want? I want it to be right.
Where's my wind? Beautiful.
All right.
Here we go.
All right.
That was great.
That was good.
Is that all? I only had one picture left on the camera.
Closed-Captioned By J.
R Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA