Hey Arnold! (1996) s04e10 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
GRANDPA:
Oh, boy this is the life,
sitting in the Packard,
sipping root beer floats
with one of my
favorite grandsons.
Just kidding.
You're my favorite.
(CRASH)
Oh!
Mother Hubbard!
Who in the blue blazes
just slammed into my car?
Arnold?
Well, what do you know.
We got ourselves a good
old-fashioned fender bender.
What are you, blind,
you old buzzard?
Look at my car!
It's totaled.
This is your fault and
you're gonna
pay for it.
My fault?
You backed right into it.
I hope you brought
your check book.
You'll never get
a dime out of me, Pataki.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Look at the damage.
Nice job, Arnold.
Now my dad will yell
about this for weeks.
It's only
a little fender bender.
I'm sure they'll
work it out.
Na-na-na na na,
you can't catch me!
(PANTING)
Look, you.
I don't have time for this.
I'm late for my golf game.
So that's why you're
in that idiotic costume.
To play golf, eh?
That's right. Golf.
Ever heard of it?
Heard of it?
Well, I've been golfing
since you knee high.
I don't want
a history lesson,
prune face. I'm late.
Hey, wait a minute.
How about you and me
settle this thing
over a game of golf?
Sunday. Loser
pays the damages
for both cars.
All right, you're on.
Let's shake on it,
so it's official.
You're going down hard,
old man.
GRANDPA: Save your strength
for the game, Pataki
Come on, Shortman,
let's rumble.
Oh, Arnold.
Fate has brought our vehicles
crashing together today
by reckless chance.
Alas, if only our hearts,
our souls,
our very beings
could so finally be entangled.
Oh, what a wretched
dilemma is this.
To whom should I
forswear my allegiance?
To Bob,
the blustery ogre,
or Arnold, he who alone
can sink a hole in one
in my heart?
BOB: Hey, Helga,
I'll give you 20 bucks
to caddy for me next Sunday.
Done deal.
ARNOLD: You're worried
about the golf game, Grandpa?
Of course not.
Oh, why, I used to play golf
with my friend Jimmy Kafka
when I was a lad.
We used to
hit that ball
all day long.
We loved it,
hit in back hand
Are you sure you're
talking about golf?
Sure I am.
Look, I got the racket
right here.
That's tennis.
Golf is about hitting
a small white ball
really long distances,
getting it into
a little tiny hole.
You mean that's golf?
That game that's
on TV all the time
where they drive
the little cars around
and carry those bags
full of sticks?
Yeah.
Me and Jimmy
called that tennis.
Uh-oh.
Oh, now that blow-hard's
gonna beat me,
and never let me forget it.
And make me pay
a huge mechanic's bill.
Arnold, do you know
how to play golf?
Uh, not really.
Perfect. You'll make
a fine coach.
But I
Need a ball here, Helga.
Can't play golf
without a ball.
It's the caddy's job
to place the ball
on the tee.
I'm paying you 20 bucks.
Place the ball
so I can start golfing.
HELGA: There.
Get back out of the way
so I can tee off.
Wow. You almost got
a hole-in-one, Dad.
Of course, I almost
got a hole-in-one.
I've been playing this game
since I was five.
Now quit your yapping
and pick up the pace, caddy.
(GRUNTS)
ARNOLD: We need
to buy some golf clubs.
SHOPKEEPER: Beginner?
GRANDPA: I wouldn't go
that far.
Then I recommend
you start with these.
Yeah, they're
on special today.
Let me try that out.
How do you hold it?
We'll take 'em.
And since you're
buying them today,
you'll also get my I Guarantee
You'll Learn How To Play Golf
If You Watch This Video video
Take your putter
and carefully aim
(GRANDPA SNORING)
Carefully aim.
ARNOLD: How's the video,
Grandpa?
Uh? Er What?
Oh yeah, the video, yeah.
Put it on
and went straight to sleep.
The match is in a few days.
Maybe we better
go outside and actually
try hitting the ball.
Okay. Fine.
We'll try it your way.
GRANDPA: Is this all
there is to it?
You're supposed to
use two hands.
Now take your time,
concentrate, then swing.
Swing little lower
this time, Grandpa.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
One more time
before the cops come.
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
(BUZZING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(SIGHING)
Boy I really
stink at golf, huh?
You don't stink, Grandpa.
You're really improving.
The game's tomorrow.
You should get
a good night's rest.
Good night.
Oh, I don't wanna
disappoint the boy,
but I gotta get out of here.
ARNOLD: Grandpa?
Aagh!
Where are you going?
Me? I'm, I'm taking
my suitcase out
to be cleaned.
There's an all-night cleaner.
Were you
trying to sneak out?
Okay, okay.
You wore me down.
I was trying to sneak out.
I'm sorry, Arnold,
but I just can't golf.
That's no reason
to run away.
I can't beat Big Bob.
And I'll embarrass you
in front of your
little ugly friend
with the one eyebrow
(CRYING)
It's okay, Grandpa.
But the humiliation, Arnold,
the humiliation.
Grandpa, you can't run away.
Sure I can.
Hey, you wanna
come with me?
We'll drive all night,
we'll go fishing.
Grandpa, you have to do this.
It's more humiliating
if you run away.
But I'm going to lose.
Well, you probably are
gonna lose.
But the point is,
it's better
to lose gracefully
than to never
have tried at all.
Where'd you learn that malarkey?
Certainly not from me.
Grandpa
Okay, okay.
You win. I'll play
that blow-hard
Big Bob tomorrow.
Good. Now let's
get some sleep, okay?
The only thing
that'll put me to sleep
is that stupid golf video.
Take your putter
and carefully aim.
And soon, you'll master
this exciting game.
Take your putter
and carefully aim.
And soon
(SNORING)
Tails it is. I go first.
Hand me my driver, Olga.
It's Helga, Dad.
H-E-L-G-A.
BOB: I know
how to spell, Olga.
Huh. Beat that, old timer.
You can do it, Grandpa.
Concentrate.
When you're teeing off,
hit the ball in a loft.
Attempt to land it
on the green,
and not all that
other grass in between.
(GRUNTING)
Wow.
Mother Goose!
(APPLAUSE)
That was fantastic, Grandpa.
What happened?
You got me, Shortman.
I suddenly found myself
saying a rhyme
from that idiotic
How To Play Golf video,
and bingo!
Huh, that's three. A birdie.
Your shot, Methuselah.
Concentrate, concentrate.
Don't look up.
Tap the ball lightly
and into the cup.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)
You got an eagle.
Is that like a birdie?
It's better.
You're ahead.
What in the heck is
going on here?
With a wedge,
chip the ball high
and into the cup
let it fly.
Ugh!
(SPLASH)
Hit the ball hard and
hit it true,
aim for the flag pole
and follow through.
(SPLASH)
(CROWD GASPING)
(APPLAUSE)
Man, what a game.
I can't believe Grandpa
and your dad are tied.
Yeah, yeah, I can't wait
for this stupid game
to be over.
I hate lugging this
Fore!
Helga, are you okay?
Say something.
Oh, Arnold.
I'm fine as long as
you're near me.
Your honest eyes
so full of concern,
and love
Helga, what is
wrong with you?
That was headed
straight for the cup.
This could cost me
the whole game.
I'm fine, Bob,
thanks for asking.
Well, then get your fanny
out of the green,
and hold the flag for me.
Hold your own flag, Bob.
I quit!
And you can keep
your lousy 20 bucks.
Fine. I don't need a caddy.
Oh, for crying out loud!
That makes 77 for Big Bob.
And 75 for you, Grandpa.
Oh, I thought I was ahead.
You are. Bob has
two more strokes than you.
In golf, that puts you ahead.
Well, what do you know.
ARNOLD: This is great.
Just one hole to go.
Come on!
Hurry it up, Gramps.
I haven't got all day.
Hit it already.
Everything okay, Grandpa?
I don't know, Arnold,
this is a crazy hole.
A long fairway,
then it does a dogleg,
between two water hazards,
and then a sand trap,
and then there's
that big ceramic gnome.
Well, say a poem,
and hit the ball.
But that's just it.
I don't know any cute rhyming
couplet for this kinda hole.
Hit it already
for crying out loud.
Then just make up a rhyme.
Okay, here goes.
Real long fairway,
big dogleg,
I hate sand traps,
but I like eggs,
water hazards left and right,
smack the ball
with all your might.
Aah!
Falling apart
on the 18th hole,
huh, Gramps?
(GRUNTS)
See you on the green
with your checkbook.
Okay, okay, you can do it.
Miles to go,
Big Bob's a jerk.
Let's just hit it,
hope it works.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Waiter, there's
a golf ball
in my quiche,
GRANDPA:
Don't touch that ball.
Just playing through.
I'll be out your way
in a minute.
What's the score, Shortman?
Bob's ahead by two strokes.
There's only one way
you can win.
You have to sink this shot.
Arnold, do you know
any words that rhyme
with quiche?
Uh, how about this?
These people are brunching,
your ball's in their quiche.
Winning the golf game
may seem out of reach.
It'll take a miracle to win,
but you've come so very far.
So close your eyes,
swing hard,
and hope that Bob pays
for your car.
Oh, Arnold.
That was the worst,
stupidest poem
I've ever heard!
But thanks for trying,
Shortman.
I gotta win this thing
by myself.
Here goes nothing.
(GASPING)
(WIND HOWLING)
(CHEERING)
Hmph!
You did it, Grandpa.
What? What did I do?
I'm not wearing my glasses.
You birdied.
Oh, I hit a birdie.
That's terrible.
No, you won.
Oh, that's wonderful.
How's the bird?
Well, thanks
for all your help,
Shortman.
What do you say
we get a root beer float?
Well, it's deja-vu
all over again, Gramps.
I'm making you pay up in cash.
GRANDPA: Hey, what do you say
we play tennis
for the whole kit and caboodle?
BOB: Oh, don't get me started.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
Say hello to my band-new,
candy apple red
patent leather
Caprini platforms.
They were custom-made in Milan.
You know, custom-made,
as in they only fit me.
(GASPING)
Sorry, Rhonda.
Sorry?
You just scuffed
my one-of-a-kind
Caprini platform.
Look, it was
just an accident.
Well, maybe if you didn't
stomp down the hall
with those massive
saddle shoes of yours,
this little "accident"
could have been avoided.
Not another word.
Step off,
you big Neanderthal.
(GASPING)
CHILDREN: Fight! Fight! Fight!
PRINCIPAL WARTZ:
Time out.
This type of impromptu
fisticuffs cat fighting
is a serious breach
of school policy.
I'm afraid you leave me
no choice but to notify
your parents.
The girl thrashes my boot.
And the next thing I know,
she's going to pound me.
It was simply barbaric.
We couldn't agree more,
dearer, and so
your mother and I have decided
to send you
to the young sophisticate
after school polishing academy
for boys and girls.
All the Lloyds
have attended, you know.
Although traditionally,
family members have enrolled
in the sixth grade,
we thought
considering the circumstances,
you should start right away.
It's high time
you were around others
more like yourself, darling.
Don't you agree?
Thank you, Mummy.
Thank you, Daddy.
Group hug!
Mm. (CHUCKLING)
To be perfectly honest,
pumpkin,
your father and I
are worried about your
Well, the way you don't
always get along
with your classmates.
After all, gumdrop,
you've been
in quite a few squabbles
this semester.
MOM: And you just don't
seem to have many friends.
And so, we've decided
to sign you up
for the young sophisticate
after school polishing academy
for boys and girls.
The brochure says
it'll help socially
activate you.
Wouldn't you
like that, muffin?
I guess.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
Now these are
my kind of people.
Excuse me.
RHONDA: You?
What in the world
are you doing here?
Never mind.
Just stay as far away
from me as humanly possible.
No problem.
WOMAN: Welcome, boys and girls.
I'm your instructor
Madame Parvenu.
Today you've come to me
mere children.
In just four short weeks,
you will emerge civilized,
cultured ladies and gentlemen.
All right, I want you
to spread out and pretend
that you're at a party.
When I call your name,
you are to cross the room,
and pour yourself
a glass of punch.
Simple, no?
Very well. Let's begin
with Rhonda Lloyd.
Hello! Do you think
you could get out
of my way?
(POURING)
And now, Patty Smith.
Pardon me,
excuse me, please.
All right, Rhonda,
all you have to do
is pretend that you are
at a tea party.
A tea party? Great.
Because I just love
tea parties.
But only if there's
the right kind of sandwich.
I mean, if it's not cut
into a perfect
little triangle,
it simply will not do.
Would you like
some more tea, Patty?
No thanks.
How about you?
You want another cup?
Me? Why, actually I would.
Thank you for asking.
Brown noser.
This is my one-of-a-kind
Caprini platform boot.
I used to have two of them.
Anyway, it cost
a ton of money.
So, I'm sure that, you know,
even without the other one,
it's still worth something.
Thank you, Rhonda.
Now, who else is ready
to present their item
of personal value
to the class?
My mom and I
made these socks
together last winter.
I guess that makes 'em
kinda special.
Special? You've
got to be kidding.
(DOG BARKING)
Thank you, Rex.
Thank you, puppy.
Now class, before you go,
I'd like to distribute
your preliminary
performance evaluations.
The purpose is
to let you know
how you're doing
in my class thus far.
Rex, Archer, Patty.
"Patty Smith."
"Courteous, a good listener,
"Practical."
MADAME PARVENU:
Milicent, Rhonda.
(GASPING)
RHONDA: "Cushy, self-obsessed,
"and materialistic"?
Madame, this is an outrage.
There must be some mistake.
No, Rhonda, I'm afraid
that there is not.
But don't you know who I am?
I'm a Lloyd, and Lloyds
have been attending,
not to mention
donating money
to this academy
for generations.
I am sorry, Ms. Lloyd,
but times have changed.
And so has this academy.
I am afraid your heritage
will not excuse your
less than perfect performance
in my classroom.
Now, unless you want to
fail this course entirely
Fail? But I can't fail!
It would be unheard-of.
I-I'd disgrace
my entire family.
Then I suggest
you get it together,
and adjust that attitude
of yours immediately.
(SLAMS)
So, how are things
at the academy, dear?
Huh? The academy?
Oh, uh, great.
Things are going just great.
In fact, I'm probably going to
graduate first in my class.
Well, that is
just fantabulous, honey.
Today, the young sophisticate
after school polishing academy
for boys and girls.
Tomorrow, Princeton.
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
Princeton.
Yeah.
PATTY: Well,
I always carry
heavy groceries
for my mom, and,
oh yeah, sometimes,
I volunteer
at homeless shelters.
What a wonderful
answer, Patty.
You are a very
helpful person indeed.
Perhaps even
valedictorian material.
This is so unbelievable.
I'm going to fail.
And Big Patty is
going to graduate
first in the class?
If only
If only I could
somehow be
more like Patty.
But how?
(BELL DINGS)
And well, what I was
thinking was,
if you wanted,
we could get together
and you could, well,
you know, show me
your technique.
I don't think so.
Come on, Patty,
Please? You just
gotta help me.
Finals are in two weeks.
And if I don't pass
polishing school,
my parents
will totally freak.
They'll so completely
disown me.
I'll be a social outcast,
a loser.
And then, I'll never
get into Princeton.
Ever.
So, please, Patty.
Help me, please.
Well, okay.
I guess.
If you're that desperate.
Okay, princess.
Here's how it works.
I pour the tea, and
you ask me a question
about myself. Got it?
Got it.
Where on earth
did you get this cup?
It's chipped.
Rhonda, I think you're
missing the point
of the exercise.
And how am I
supposed to get punch
with you just standing there?
Try saying the magic word.
Move?
Tell me again,
because I swear,
I just don't understand
why anyone would
actually want to
make a sock.
Just take these, Rhonda.
And he's all,
"FYI, you are not
the best dressed
girl in school."
And I'm all,
"Yeah. Right. Whatever."
Oh no,
I'm doing it again,
aren't I?
I'm talking too much.
Excuse me!
What?
I said the magic word,
didn't I?
Voila. It's perfect.
(CHUCKLING)
And what,
may I ask, is so funny?
Nothing.
It's just Well, when you
asked me to help you out,
I really didn't want to.
'Cause I thought
it would be a pain.
But now,
it's just sort of funny
how we kind of hit it off,
isn't it?
Yeah. It's funny.
Well, if there's
nothing else
I need to know
for tomorrow's final,
I really oughta be going.
Hey, Rhonda.
Oh, hey, Arnold.
Since when did you
and Patty become friends?
Oh, Arnold!
Patty and I are not friends.
I'm just getting her
to help me with some
school work.
Patty, friends?
Please!
That's ridiculous.
Very nice, Rex.
And now,
Rhonda Lloyd.
Excuse me please, Madame.
MADAME: Rhonda,
why don't you tell me
something about yourself.
Oh, enough about me,
I'm much more interested
in hearing about you.
I made it myself.
It's uncanny how well
it matches my outfit.
Non?
(APPLAUSE)
Bye bye, Archer.
Adieu, Pritney.
See you at graduation.
Hey, Rhonda, wait up.
Before you go,
I wanted to ask you.
If you aren't doing
anything this weekend,
do you wanna come
sleepover at my house?
Sleep over?
Yeah. My parents
already said it was okay.
Look, Patty, I really
appreciate you
helping me out
with all this polishing
school stuff and all,
but after today,
you know, since
finals are over,
we probably shouldn't
hang out anymore.
You understand, don't you?
Yeah. Sure.
MADAME PARVENU: And now,
this year's academy
valedictorian.
Miss Rhonda Wellington Lloyd.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you, Madame Parvenu.
I wouldn't be here today
without your fabulous
teaching skills.
And, of course,
my well-rounded upbringing.
(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)
We're so proud of you,
sweet pea.
We're so happy
you've made a friend.
So, when is
the big sleepover?
I don't know.
I haven't asked her yet.
A great speech, hon.
Absolutely.
How about we go out
and celebrate
with some mocha-latte?
Mocha-lattes?
Sounds delish.
I got it as a polishing
academy graduation present.
It cost a ton of money.
Did I mention that
I was valedictorian?
Check out my new cowboy boots.
(GASPING)
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
Sorry.
Sorry?
These are brand-new
cowboy boots.
It was just an accident.
Yeah, next time,
why don't you
watch where you're going,
you big doof?
Hey, princess.
My friend said
she was sorry.
Excuse me?
You heard me,
and while you're at it,
you could apologize
for being so rude,
and so totally self-absorbed,
unless you want
this fist for lunch.
Sorry.
Now, how about you
and those tacky
farm boots of yours
take a walk.
Hmm.
GIRL: Oh gosh.
Come on, Patty.
I see a table
over there.
So, about that slumber party,
I was thinking
Saturday night?
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)