Hogan's Heroes (1965) s04e10 Episode Script
No Names Please
( theme song playing ) Right.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
Lift him up, there.
Careful.
Gorblimy! He weighs a ton.
Oh, my ankle! Watch it, will you? All right, easy.
Is it broken? In about three places.
No, he can move it all right, sir.
Yeah, it's just a sprain.
You're an American.
Yeah.
Who are you? Walter Hobson, correspondent, Affiliated Newspaper Alliance.
Checks, sir.
Hard way to get a story.
There's a war going on, you know.
Newkirk, did you hear that? Yeah, I knew there was something bloody unusual going on.
You're a Limey.
Who, me, guv'nor? A Yank and a Limey.
What's this all about? Quiet.
Here comes somebody.
The guys who bailed out with him didn't make it.
They all caught it.
If we'd stayed in formation, the Krauts would never have got us.
Would you like to go back up and fight the battle again? Who's the expert? Walter Hobson, correspondent.
He sure got smart awfully fast.
( distant gunfire ) Can't be more than a couple hundred yards.
Did they see you? I don't think so.
Most likely they're just from that kind of spray.
Can you carry him? I think so.
All right, Olson, bury the chute.
Carter, move out about 50 yards east.
Return their fire, circle around, lead them away.
Newkirk, move out west.
Do the same routine, same order, and fellas, be careful.
Don't shoot each other, huh? The Krauts are that way.
Roger.
Who are you guys? Ah! Auto Club.
Emergency road service.
Come on, let's go.
Where are you taking me? One more question from you, we're going to ask for your membership card.
Come on.
Olson, check the emergency tunnel all the way to the ladder and make sure we're in the clear, huh? Right, Colonel.
Hogan, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions Carter, not too tight.
Give him support, but don't cut off the circulation.
Yes, sir.
You know, I used to do a lot of this back home in the Boy Scouts.
I'm glad.
Colonel, like I said, I'd like Newkirk, why don't you go on up and check the hut and see if there have been any phone calls for us.
All right, sir.
Will do.
Got anything? Yeah, from London.
A courier plane's gonna drop a music box in our sector tomorrow night.
A music box? It's a radio.
Oh.
And they want us to pass it along to the underground.
Seems the Krauts are planning a big offensive, and we don't have enough information.
All right, have Newkirk make the catch and bring it in.
Alert the underground.
Will do.
And, uh, Kinch, signal London Hobson is safe.
He'll be set to travel in a couple of days.
We'll send him back to England, usual route.
Right.
All clear up there, sir.
There's no sign of trouble, sir.
Good.
This place is busier than the Pentagon.
Yeah, we do all right for a branch office.
There are some questions I'd like to ask.
Shoot.
There's really a POW camp right over our heads? You saw it on the way in.
Guards, barbed wire, the works.
Garden spot of Germany.
Our commandant wears a monocle.
It's all very colorful.
This goes on all the time-- rescuing flyers, picking up underground radio sets? In our spare time, a little sabotage.
Personally, I find that the most fun.
You never get caught? What a story.
A story you can't write.
Hogan.
Right under the German's feet? Our only chance for survival is secrecy.
You could get us all killed.
Okay, okay.
You saved my life.
I'm grateful.
Fine.
Let's leave it at that.
But when I get back home, I could contact your relatives.
If you give me their names and address ( all talking at once ) Hold it.
Knock it off! That's out! Our people think we're ordinary POWs.
You give them a call, let something slip and we've had it.
All right.
Is there anything I can do to show I'm grateful? There sure is, Hobson.
Go home.
( whistling ) ( coughs ) All right, take it easy, Hobson.
You'll be okay.
Now, the driver's on our side.
He'll drop you off at the right spot in Hammelburg.
He'll move you along the coast.
LeBeau? Yeah.
Come on.
Hey, Schultz.
What is it? Come here a second.
But listen, I'm busy! Come on, come on, I have something to tell you.
SCHULTZ: Will you please leave me alone? I'm busy.
I have lots of things to do.
Okay.
Take it easy, Hobson.
I'm making apple strudel tonight.
You want some? Apple strudel.
Mmm.
I love it.
Good.
Now, if I can get from you the apples, flour, sugar and raisins, you can have some.
Relax, Hobson.
Stay limp.
And no smoking.
Hurry, Colonel.
Hurry.
All right, put them in.
If I get you the apples, flour, sugar, raisins.
How about cinnamon?! Danke! Huh.
Big deal.
Well, what are you doing there?! Get out of here! What are you doing here?! Ah, we've been just giving the guy a hand, Schultz.
Guy a hand Get out of here! Just giving him a hand.
Out! Out! Immediately out! ( men grumbling ) Get out of here! Carter! You heard me! Out! We're just trying to help, for Pete's sakes.
Oh, I'm always in trouble when you help me! All right, Schultz, if that's how you feel, do it yourself.
Come on! Okay.
What are you waiting?! Let's go! London says we'll have to keep it here a while longer, till they reorganize their network.
Oh, great.
You realize we've had that radio better than a month? If anyone's caught with it, it's the firing squad.
Well, it's as safe here as anyplace.
Incidentally, where is it? Carter's sitting on it.
Why don't you tell a guy? Gestapo checking in! HOGAN: Old lovable Hochstetter in his basic black.
Makes my day.
What does he want? If it's the radio, he can't have it.
This was published in an American newspaper a few weeks ago.
KLINK: And sent to the Gestapo by a German agent in the United States.
Do you think there's any harm, his knowing that we have agents in America, hmm? No, I don't think so, especially since you've just told him.
That's what I thought.
Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.
Now, Hogan, I'm going to read to you.
Oh, good.
"For security reasons, I cannot tell you "the exact location.
"The request was 'no names please,' "but somewhere in Germany, an American officer "is operating a sabotage and rescue unit "from, of all places, a German POW camp.
"These men saved my life.
To me, they are among the unsung heroes of this war.
" Walter Hobson.
Who's he? An American journalist.
This was sent to Spain, then to Portugal, then forwarded to Switzerland and finally sent here to Germany.
Well, Hogan? Stamps must have cost a fortune.
Are you this officer?! ( chuckling ): Oh, a spy operating in Stalag 13.
That's impossible.
Let's keep this war sensible.
Hogan, any prisoner who carries on sabotage or espionage activities is no longer protected by the Geneva Convention.
No kidding? And any prisoner caught in such activities can be shot or hanged.
Or both.
Don't get greedy.
Klink the Gestapo will undertake an investigation of all POW camps at once, beginning right here.
There is nothing more to be said to either of you.
Whatever happened to "auf Wiedersehen"? ( yelling ) Huh! Spies in my stalag.
Ridiculous.
Silly.
Impossible.
Out of the question.
I will not waste any more time on it.
It's out of my mind Hogan, could there be any truth in that story? Aw, come on, Colonel, just because there's a war on and we're enemies Would I lie to you? Yes.
True.
Hogan, are you a spy? Me? I don't know anything about the underground or sabotage.
What's there to know? You plant a bomb and a bridge blows up.
A child could do that.
You must know some nice kids.
All right, let the Gestapo investigate.
They'll soon find out that Wait a minute.
You just admitted that you would lie to me.
Well, doesn't that prove something? Prove what? That you can depend on me.
Achtung! Herr Kommandant, the new men.
Private Berger.
Private Holst.
Mmm-hmm.
Very good.
Now let's see what we have here.
Gentlemen, welcome to the most secure prisoner-of-war camp in all Germany.
Notice anything special about those two? Nah.
Just run-of- the-mill Krauts.
When you've seen one Boche, you've seen them all.
The older guy is a typical 4-F type, but now look at the other one.
What's a young Kraut doing so far from the action? He's too healthy for this kind of duty.
Now, I want you men to know that you have been posted to the most secure POW camp in all of Germany.
Now, here at Stalag 13, we Schultz, aren't you listening? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Oh, it is so interesting.
Let's check on him.
Newkirk, try their footlockers, huh? Will do, sir.
Go talk to Schultz.
Colonel, what do you expect to find out about them? Nothing, I hope.
The older guy's papers are okay, but this Berger is something else again.
Look at this.
The dates stamped in his pay book are old, but the ink is new.
Why? They're phony.
Don't bet against it.
( chuckles ) They're on their best behavior, especially the young one, Berger.
Trying to make points with Sergeant Schultz, huh? He even volunteered for night duty.
That's nice.
The next time I see him in town, I will buy him a beer.
The next time you see him in town? He introduced himself at the Hofbrau on the night before he was transferred to our stalag.
Why are you so interested? I forgot to tell you-- this is Know Your Kraut Week.
Know Your Kraut Week? I, uh ( sighs ) would've called from the lobby, but the house phones were busy.
HOGAN: Then he meets Schultz in town, buys him a beer and asks questions.
What did you tell him, hmm? Nothing! I said nothing! Blabbermouth! He then volunteers for night duty.
That'll give him a chance to look around.
Today we caught him searching my room.
That is the duty of every guard.
Jawohl.
I have done it myself.
Really? When? Well, I-I Uh, Commandant, it adds up.
Berger is Hochstetter's man.
Mm-hmm.
Now, let us suppose that he really works for the Gestapo.
Now, I have nothing to hide, you have nothing to hide, and, uh ( chuckles ): Schultz, he can't hide.
Look, Hochstetter needs a fall guy.
Unless you give him something for all his trouble, he'll never get off your back.
Mm-hmm, give him something-- very interesting.
A long time ago, before we realized it was useless to try to escape from you, we started working on a tunnel in Barracks Four.
What? Did you know about this? Of course, Herr Kommandant.
( quietly ): Uh, uh, what barracks? Barracks Four.
Oh.
Um, suppose we started work on that tunnel again, and when you're ready, you inform Hochstetter? Aha! A frame-up for the Gestapo.
He's always one jump ahead of everybody.
Amazing! Mm-hmm.
Do you realize I would have to send you all to the cooler? We serve a couple of days; Berger's transferred to another camp; you release us.
Excellent! This will prove once and for all to the Gestapo that I know exactly what I'm doing, that I'm completely in command here.
Question, Herr Kommandant.
What? Will they believe it? Commandant, you're late.
( gasps ) Hogan! You know, I never realized how many eyes are always on me.
I actually had to sneak in here.
That's the price of popularity, sir.
Where's the tunnel? Find it.
Don't think I can't.
I've been here just as long as you have.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, you're cold, Commandant.
Cold! Getting warmer.
Hogan! I don't need your help.
Aha! I see some tracks.
( chuckles ) They give away your tunnel.
Mm-hmm.
This wardrobe, it moves out, hah? Now I understand why you never tried an escape.
The chickens have very little chance against the fox.
Would you like to try for the best two out of three, Colonel Fox? What? We put the tracks there and put the sawdust there, so that you Krauts-- I mean, you foxes would find it.
But here, ladies and gentlemen, is the real tunnel.
Amazing.
Hogan, I must confess, your ingenuity leaves me absolutely speechless.
Commandant, you're better off that way.
Klink and Hochstetter catch us in Barracks Four, while Carter and Kinch take the radio out through the emergency tunnel and rendezvous with the underground.
What do you think? Suicide.
We'd never have a chance.
Impossible, Colonel.
I'm glad you like it.
It's a big risk, Colonel, with Hochstetter and his goons nosing around.
The orders are to move that radio along.
I came up with a plan-- you don't like it, anybody else got a better one, I'm listening.
I say we stay quiet as mice and let them get careless.
I think that's a good idea.
It's a good plan.
It could be five or six weeks, or more.
The underground needs the radio now.
All you've come up with is a delay.
What kind of a plan is that? It's a stay-alive plan, Colonel.
Rejected.
We go through with it.
Now, Berger, I want you in on this.
Learn how these things are done.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Danke.
Oh, you are lucky the commandant takes such an interest in you.
I'm lucky, too-- he taught me everything I know.
Every teacher fails once in a while.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Now, Colonel Hogan and his men will try a mass escape Wednesday night.
They've almost completed the tunnel out of Barracks Four and under the wire.
May I ask how you found this out, Herr Colonel? Ja.
I would like to know that, too.
Superior intelligence, reasoning power.
No magic, no tricks.
Remarkable.
It is? I mean, yes, it is! Berger! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
You will carry on as though you know nothing.
Schultz can help you with that.
Then, Wednesday night, I want you to accompany me when we raid Barracks Four and arrest the prisoners.
That's all for now.
Dismissed.
I will have the men ready for the raid Wednesday night, Herr Kommandant.
Just a moment, Schultz.
Tuesday night.
Tuesday? Hogan thinks he can outsmart me.
He'll try to use the tunnel a day earlier and really escape, but I shall be waiting for him, and I won't have to share credit with Major Hochstetter.
Am I not clever? Could I think about that, Herr Kommandant? Yes, Schultz.
I want you to give that a lot of thought on your way to the Eastern Front! Well, Klink, that is good news.
You see what is possible when you try? ( chuckles ): It's all a question of ingenuity, Major.
I amaze myself at times.
Oh, Klink, you have always amazed me.
Thank you, Major.
Now, if you can be here Wednesday night, I shall be honored to include you in the raiding party.
Oh, that is very kind of you.
Ja, I will be there.
Heil Hitler.
Every year that man lives takes at least a century off the Thousand-Year Reich.
He wants to arrest Hogan on Wednesday night, and he is generous enough to include the Gestapo.
I will give the necessary orders, Herr Major.
Ja.
But I will be at Stalag 13 on Tuesday night.
Tuesday? May I ask the reason for this? Do I need a better reason than Klink? The Iron Colonel? Tuesday night, Colonel? What happened to Wednesday? Yeah, the arrangement with Klink was for Wednesday.
Right, but we move a day sooner.
Notify the underground and have somebody stand by for the radio.
But why a day earlier? Well, if there's an honest way to do something and a sneaky way to do it, which would our beloved commandant choose? So, we move on Tuesday? Boy, Colonel, you sure do understand Klink.
Yeah, and it's beginning to frighten me.
All right, you'll wait till you hear from me and then move out fast.
Right, Colonel.
Let's go.
The men are posted, Herr Kommandant.
Everyone is ready.
Excellent.
Now, first we will move to Barracks Four and take over their little tunnel, then to Barracks Two and arrest Hogan.
Understood? Understood.
I was right.
Old honest Klink is headed this way.
Stand by.
Okay.
Red Fox calling Pussy Cat.
Red Fox calling Pussy Cat.
Do you read me? Over.
This is Pussy Cat.
I read you, Red Fox.
I read you.
Over.
Bad guy's almost here.
Repeat.
Bad guy's almost here.
Get the music box and move out.
Good luck.
Over.
Okay, Red Fox, understood.
Over and out.
That's the word, Andrew.
Let's go.
Okay, Pussy Cat.
( crickets chirping ) ( gasps ) Hogan! The least you can do is knock.
Oh, that's bloody rude.
You told me it was going to be Wednesday.
Well, it's my tunnel, you know? I was right.
Trying to escape a day early.
( car approaching ) All is prepared, Herr Major.
Good.
Herr Kommandant, Major Hochstetter's here.
He's going into Barracks Number Two.
Major Hochstetter? Major Hochstetter? The escape's over here.
He's coming.
So, you're all under arrest.
You're a little late, my friend.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Major, this happens to be Tuesday.
Oh, thank you very much.
I distinctly told you Wednesday, not Tuesday.
You think I listen to what you say? You might as well have said Friday for all I care.
I never said anything about Friday.
I didn't say you said anything about Friday.
Now tell me, was it Tuesday or Wednesday? Be honest.
Honest with you? You don't even know how to spell the word.
Ha! Coming from the Gestapo, that sounds very funny.
Now you may leave any time and take your spy, Private Berger, with you.
What spy? And more, I want to tell you something.
I don't know Hold it! You make me feel terrible.
What?! Well, it's true we dug the tunnel and tried to escape, but that's not the worst thing we did.
Hogan, what else did you do? I broke up a beautiful friendship.
KINCH: Colonel? This just came in from London.
( sighs ) "Music box arrived destination.
Well done.
" File it among our souvenirs.
And, uh, you and Carter did a good job.
Well, thank you, Colonel.
I'll tell my draft board.
I'm having difficulty grasping what you mean, sir.
Newkirk, it is perfectly simple.
You just get in here, and you stand like this.
There.
Now, is that so difficult, huh? Huh? You rang, Commandant? Yes, I did.
I want you in the same position you were in when I caught you trying to escape.
You mean Tuesday night? Don't start that again.
Okay.
How's this? Excellent.
Schultz, stand by.
Uh, what about Major Hochstetter? This is my report to Berlin.
The Gestapo can take its own pictures.
Oh, that's a bit selfish, sir.
Oh Schultz! Dummkopf! Hey, very nice, very nice snap.
Famous Iron Colonel caught escaping his own stalag.
Hogan! Uh, sir, could you autograph a copy of the picture for the wall of my den? Yes, Hogan.
I will have a picture sent to you personally.
In the cooler.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
Lift him up, there.
Careful.
Gorblimy! He weighs a ton.
Oh, my ankle! Watch it, will you? All right, easy.
Is it broken? In about three places.
No, he can move it all right, sir.
Yeah, it's just a sprain.
You're an American.
Yeah.
Who are you? Walter Hobson, correspondent, Affiliated Newspaper Alliance.
Checks, sir.
Hard way to get a story.
There's a war going on, you know.
Newkirk, did you hear that? Yeah, I knew there was something bloody unusual going on.
You're a Limey.
Who, me, guv'nor? A Yank and a Limey.
What's this all about? Quiet.
Here comes somebody.
The guys who bailed out with him didn't make it.
They all caught it.
If we'd stayed in formation, the Krauts would never have got us.
Would you like to go back up and fight the battle again? Who's the expert? Walter Hobson, correspondent.
He sure got smart awfully fast.
( distant gunfire ) Can't be more than a couple hundred yards.
Did they see you? I don't think so.
Most likely they're just from that kind of spray.
Can you carry him? I think so.
All right, Olson, bury the chute.
Carter, move out about 50 yards east.
Return their fire, circle around, lead them away.
Newkirk, move out west.
Do the same routine, same order, and fellas, be careful.
Don't shoot each other, huh? The Krauts are that way.
Roger.
Who are you guys? Ah! Auto Club.
Emergency road service.
Come on, let's go.
Where are you taking me? One more question from you, we're going to ask for your membership card.
Come on.
Olson, check the emergency tunnel all the way to the ladder and make sure we're in the clear, huh? Right, Colonel.
Hogan, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions Carter, not too tight.
Give him support, but don't cut off the circulation.
Yes, sir.
You know, I used to do a lot of this back home in the Boy Scouts.
I'm glad.
Colonel, like I said, I'd like Newkirk, why don't you go on up and check the hut and see if there have been any phone calls for us.
All right, sir.
Will do.
Got anything? Yeah, from London.
A courier plane's gonna drop a music box in our sector tomorrow night.
A music box? It's a radio.
Oh.
And they want us to pass it along to the underground.
Seems the Krauts are planning a big offensive, and we don't have enough information.
All right, have Newkirk make the catch and bring it in.
Alert the underground.
Will do.
And, uh, Kinch, signal London Hobson is safe.
He'll be set to travel in a couple of days.
We'll send him back to England, usual route.
Right.
All clear up there, sir.
There's no sign of trouble, sir.
Good.
This place is busier than the Pentagon.
Yeah, we do all right for a branch office.
There are some questions I'd like to ask.
Shoot.
There's really a POW camp right over our heads? You saw it on the way in.
Guards, barbed wire, the works.
Garden spot of Germany.
Our commandant wears a monocle.
It's all very colorful.
This goes on all the time-- rescuing flyers, picking up underground radio sets? In our spare time, a little sabotage.
Personally, I find that the most fun.
You never get caught? What a story.
A story you can't write.
Hogan.
Right under the German's feet? Our only chance for survival is secrecy.
You could get us all killed.
Okay, okay.
You saved my life.
I'm grateful.
Fine.
Let's leave it at that.
But when I get back home, I could contact your relatives.
If you give me their names and address ( all talking at once ) Hold it.
Knock it off! That's out! Our people think we're ordinary POWs.
You give them a call, let something slip and we've had it.
All right.
Is there anything I can do to show I'm grateful? There sure is, Hobson.
Go home.
( whistling ) ( coughs ) All right, take it easy, Hobson.
You'll be okay.
Now, the driver's on our side.
He'll drop you off at the right spot in Hammelburg.
He'll move you along the coast.
LeBeau? Yeah.
Come on.
Hey, Schultz.
What is it? Come here a second.
But listen, I'm busy! Come on, come on, I have something to tell you.
SCHULTZ: Will you please leave me alone? I'm busy.
I have lots of things to do.
Okay.
Take it easy, Hobson.
I'm making apple strudel tonight.
You want some? Apple strudel.
Mmm.
I love it.
Good.
Now, if I can get from you the apples, flour, sugar and raisins, you can have some.
Relax, Hobson.
Stay limp.
And no smoking.
Hurry, Colonel.
Hurry.
All right, put them in.
If I get you the apples, flour, sugar, raisins.
How about cinnamon?! Danke! Huh.
Big deal.
Well, what are you doing there?! Get out of here! What are you doing here?! Ah, we've been just giving the guy a hand, Schultz.
Guy a hand Get out of here! Just giving him a hand.
Out! Out! Immediately out! ( men grumbling ) Get out of here! Carter! You heard me! Out! We're just trying to help, for Pete's sakes.
Oh, I'm always in trouble when you help me! All right, Schultz, if that's how you feel, do it yourself.
Come on! Okay.
What are you waiting?! Let's go! London says we'll have to keep it here a while longer, till they reorganize their network.
Oh, great.
You realize we've had that radio better than a month? If anyone's caught with it, it's the firing squad.
Well, it's as safe here as anyplace.
Incidentally, where is it? Carter's sitting on it.
Why don't you tell a guy? Gestapo checking in! HOGAN: Old lovable Hochstetter in his basic black.
Makes my day.
What does he want? If it's the radio, he can't have it.
This was published in an American newspaper a few weeks ago.
KLINK: And sent to the Gestapo by a German agent in the United States.
Do you think there's any harm, his knowing that we have agents in America, hmm? No, I don't think so, especially since you've just told him.
That's what I thought.
Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.
Now, Hogan, I'm going to read to you.
Oh, good.
"For security reasons, I cannot tell you "the exact location.
"The request was 'no names please,' "but somewhere in Germany, an American officer "is operating a sabotage and rescue unit "from, of all places, a German POW camp.
"These men saved my life.
To me, they are among the unsung heroes of this war.
" Walter Hobson.
Who's he? An American journalist.
This was sent to Spain, then to Portugal, then forwarded to Switzerland and finally sent here to Germany.
Well, Hogan? Stamps must have cost a fortune.
Are you this officer?! ( chuckling ): Oh, a spy operating in Stalag 13.
That's impossible.
Let's keep this war sensible.
Hogan, any prisoner who carries on sabotage or espionage activities is no longer protected by the Geneva Convention.
No kidding? And any prisoner caught in such activities can be shot or hanged.
Or both.
Don't get greedy.
Klink the Gestapo will undertake an investigation of all POW camps at once, beginning right here.
There is nothing more to be said to either of you.
Whatever happened to "auf Wiedersehen"? ( yelling ) Huh! Spies in my stalag.
Ridiculous.
Silly.
Impossible.
Out of the question.
I will not waste any more time on it.
It's out of my mind Hogan, could there be any truth in that story? Aw, come on, Colonel, just because there's a war on and we're enemies Would I lie to you? Yes.
True.
Hogan, are you a spy? Me? I don't know anything about the underground or sabotage.
What's there to know? You plant a bomb and a bridge blows up.
A child could do that.
You must know some nice kids.
All right, let the Gestapo investigate.
They'll soon find out that Wait a minute.
You just admitted that you would lie to me.
Well, doesn't that prove something? Prove what? That you can depend on me.
Achtung! Herr Kommandant, the new men.
Private Berger.
Private Holst.
Mmm-hmm.
Very good.
Now let's see what we have here.
Gentlemen, welcome to the most secure prisoner-of-war camp in all Germany.
Notice anything special about those two? Nah.
Just run-of- the-mill Krauts.
When you've seen one Boche, you've seen them all.
The older guy is a typical 4-F type, but now look at the other one.
What's a young Kraut doing so far from the action? He's too healthy for this kind of duty.
Now, I want you men to know that you have been posted to the most secure POW camp in all of Germany.
Now, here at Stalag 13, we Schultz, aren't you listening? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Oh, it is so interesting.
Let's check on him.
Newkirk, try their footlockers, huh? Will do, sir.
Go talk to Schultz.
Colonel, what do you expect to find out about them? Nothing, I hope.
The older guy's papers are okay, but this Berger is something else again.
Look at this.
The dates stamped in his pay book are old, but the ink is new.
Why? They're phony.
Don't bet against it.
( chuckles ) They're on their best behavior, especially the young one, Berger.
Trying to make points with Sergeant Schultz, huh? He even volunteered for night duty.
That's nice.
The next time I see him in town, I will buy him a beer.
The next time you see him in town? He introduced himself at the Hofbrau on the night before he was transferred to our stalag.
Why are you so interested? I forgot to tell you-- this is Know Your Kraut Week.
Know Your Kraut Week? I, uh ( sighs ) would've called from the lobby, but the house phones were busy.
HOGAN: Then he meets Schultz in town, buys him a beer and asks questions.
What did you tell him, hmm? Nothing! I said nothing! Blabbermouth! He then volunteers for night duty.
That'll give him a chance to look around.
Today we caught him searching my room.
That is the duty of every guard.
Jawohl.
I have done it myself.
Really? When? Well, I-I Uh, Commandant, it adds up.
Berger is Hochstetter's man.
Mm-hmm.
Now, let us suppose that he really works for the Gestapo.
Now, I have nothing to hide, you have nothing to hide, and, uh ( chuckles ): Schultz, he can't hide.
Look, Hochstetter needs a fall guy.
Unless you give him something for all his trouble, he'll never get off your back.
Mm-hmm, give him something-- very interesting.
A long time ago, before we realized it was useless to try to escape from you, we started working on a tunnel in Barracks Four.
What? Did you know about this? Of course, Herr Kommandant.
( quietly ): Uh, uh, what barracks? Barracks Four.
Oh.
Um, suppose we started work on that tunnel again, and when you're ready, you inform Hochstetter? Aha! A frame-up for the Gestapo.
He's always one jump ahead of everybody.
Amazing! Mm-hmm.
Do you realize I would have to send you all to the cooler? We serve a couple of days; Berger's transferred to another camp; you release us.
Excellent! This will prove once and for all to the Gestapo that I know exactly what I'm doing, that I'm completely in command here.
Question, Herr Kommandant.
What? Will they believe it? Commandant, you're late.
( gasps ) Hogan! You know, I never realized how many eyes are always on me.
I actually had to sneak in here.
That's the price of popularity, sir.
Where's the tunnel? Find it.
Don't think I can't.
I've been here just as long as you have.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, you're cold, Commandant.
Cold! Getting warmer.
Hogan! I don't need your help.
Aha! I see some tracks.
( chuckles ) They give away your tunnel.
Mm-hmm.
This wardrobe, it moves out, hah? Now I understand why you never tried an escape.
The chickens have very little chance against the fox.
Would you like to try for the best two out of three, Colonel Fox? What? We put the tracks there and put the sawdust there, so that you Krauts-- I mean, you foxes would find it.
But here, ladies and gentlemen, is the real tunnel.
Amazing.
Hogan, I must confess, your ingenuity leaves me absolutely speechless.
Commandant, you're better off that way.
Klink and Hochstetter catch us in Barracks Four, while Carter and Kinch take the radio out through the emergency tunnel and rendezvous with the underground.
What do you think? Suicide.
We'd never have a chance.
Impossible, Colonel.
I'm glad you like it.
It's a big risk, Colonel, with Hochstetter and his goons nosing around.
The orders are to move that radio along.
I came up with a plan-- you don't like it, anybody else got a better one, I'm listening.
I say we stay quiet as mice and let them get careless.
I think that's a good idea.
It's a good plan.
It could be five or six weeks, or more.
The underground needs the radio now.
All you've come up with is a delay.
What kind of a plan is that? It's a stay-alive plan, Colonel.
Rejected.
We go through with it.
Now, Berger, I want you in on this.
Learn how these things are done.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Danke.
Oh, you are lucky the commandant takes such an interest in you.
I'm lucky, too-- he taught me everything I know.
Every teacher fails once in a while.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Now, Colonel Hogan and his men will try a mass escape Wednesday night.
They've almost completed the tunnel out of Barracks Four and under the wire.
May I ask how you found this out, Herr Colonel? Ja.
I would like to know that, too.
Superior intelligence, reasoning power.
No magic, no tricks.
Remarkable.
It is? I mean, yes, it is! Berger! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
You will carry on as though you know nothing.
Schultz can help you with that.
Then, Wednesday night, I want you to accompany me when we raid Barracks Four and arrest the prisoners.
That's all for now.
Dismissed.
I will have the men ready for the raid Wednesday night, Herr Kommandant.
Just a moment, Schultz.
Tuesday night.
Tuesday? Hogan thinks he can outsmart me.
He'll try to use the tunnel a day earlier and really escape, but I shall be waiting for him, and I won't have to share credit with Major Hochstetter.
Am I not clever? Could I think about that, Herr Kommandant? Yes, Schultz.
I want you to give that a lot of thought on your way to the Eastern Front! Well, Klink, that is good news.
You see what is possible when you try? ( chuckles ): It's all a question of ingenuity, Major.
I amaze myself at times.
Oh, Klink, you have always amazed me.
Thank you, Major.
Now, if you can be here Wednesday night, I shall be honored to include you in the raiding party.
Oh, that is very kind of you.
Ja, I will be there.
Heil Hitler.
Every year that man lives takes at least a century off the Thousand-Year Reich.
He wants to arrest Hogan on Wednesday night, and he is generous enough to include the Gestapo.
I will give the necessary orders, Herr Major.
Ja.
But I will be at Stalag 13 on Tuesday night.
Tuesday? May I ask the reason for this? Do I need a better reason than Klink? The Iron Colonel? Tuesday night, Colonel? What happened to Wednesday? Yeah, the arrangement with Klink was for Wednesday.
Right, but we move a day sooner.
Notify the underground and have somebody stand by for the radio.
But why a day earlier? Well, if there's an honest way to do something and a sneaky way to do it, which would our beloved commandant choose? So, we move on Tuesday? Boy, Colonel, you sure do understand Klink.
Yeah, and it's beginning to frighten me.
All right, you'll wait till you hear from me and then move out fast.
Right, Colonel.
Let's go.
The men are posted, Herr Kommandant.
Everyone is ready.
Excellent.
Now, first we will move to Barracks Four and take over their little tunnel, then to Barracks Two and arrest Hogan.
Understood? Understood.
I was right.
Old honest Klink is headed this way.
Stand by.
Okay.
Red Fox calling Pussy Cat.
Red Fox calling Pussy Cat.
Do you read me? Over.
This is Pussy Cat.
I read you, Red Fox.
I read you.
Over.
Bad guy's almost here.
Repeat.
Bad guy's almost here.
Get the music box and move out.
Good luck.
Over.
Okay, Red Fox, understood.
Over and out.
That's the word, Andrew.
Let's go.
Okay, Pussy Cat.
( crickets chirping ) ( gasps ) Hogan! The least you can do is knock.
Oh, that's bloody rude.
You told me it was going to be Wednesday.
Well, it's my tunnel, you know? I was right.
Trying to escape a day early.
( car approaching ) All is prepared, Herr Major.
Good.
Herr Kommandant, Major Hochstetter's here.
He's going into Barracks Number Two.
Major Hochstetter? Major Hochstetter? The escape's over here.
He's coming.
So, you're all under arrest.
You're a little late, my friend.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Major, this happens to be Tuesday.
Oh, thank you very much.
I distinctly told you Wednesday, not Tuesday.
You think I listen to what you say? You might as well have said Friday for all I care.
I never said anything about Friday.
I didn't say you said anything about Friday.
Now tell me, was it Tuesday or Wednesday? Be honest.
Honest with you? You don't even know how to spell the word.
Ha! Coming from the Gestapo, that sounds very funny.
Now you may leave any time and take your spy, Private Berger, with you.
What spy? And more, I want to tell you something.
I don't know Hold it! You make me feel terrible.
What?! Well, it's true we dug the tunnel and tried to escape, but that's not the worst thing we did.
Hogan, what else did you do? I broke up a beautiful friendship.
KINCH: Colonel? This just came in from London.
( sighs ) "Music box arrived destination.
Well done.
" File it among our souvenirs.
And, uh, you and Carter did a good job.
Well, thank you, Colonel.
I'll tell my draft board.
I'm having difficulty grasping what you mean, sir.
Newkirk, it is perfectly simple.
You just get in here, and you stand like this.
There.
Now, is that so difficult, huh? Huh? You rang, Commandant? Yes, I did.
I want you in the same position you were in when I caught you trying to escape.
You mean Tuesday night? Don't start that again.
Okay.
How's this? Excellent.
Schultz, stand by.
Uh, what about Major Hochstetter? This is my report to Berlin.
The Gestapo can take its own pictures.
Oh, that's a bit selfish, sir.
Oh Schultz! Dummkopf! Hey, very nice, very nice snap.
Famous Iron Colonel caught escaping his own stalag.
Hogan! Uh, sir, could you autograph a copy of the picture for the wall of my den? Yes, Hogan.
I will have a picture sent to you personally.
In the cooler.