Hot In Cleveland s04e10 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
It's here everyone: My interview in Cosmopolitan Magazine.
"Victoria Chase Sizzles In Her Fabulous 40s.
" Why are you bringing us God, this magazine! In the last 30 years, I must have read And it all comes down to two-- Be a woman and show up.
My mother told me, "Wiggle your hips and say his name a lot.
" In Polish, it rhymes.
Oh, this is all so exciting.
Being in a Woody Allen movie and dating Sir Emmet Lawson has made me press-worthy again.
Oh, my God.
It's Jimmy Kimmel's office.
- Answer it.
- I can't pick up my own phone.
I need an assistant.
Melanie, you're hired.
Victoria, I have a job.
Doing? I've been working at a public relations firm for months.
Huh.
Joy, what about you? I'm in college.
When did all of this happen? Come on, Joy, we got to get going.
We're playing tennis before work with Alec and his friend Bill.
This isn't a secret fix-up, is it? No, no, we just need a fourth.
Good, 'cause I'm taking a break from dating.
I really need a little perspective.
He's 6'2" and super cute.
And that's just the perspective I needed.
Hurry up.
We'll be late for our date.
Okay, but I really should warn you, he's a word shortener.
Vacation is "vacay," session is "sesh," Cleveland is "Cleve.
" Mm, that sounds annoying.
He also owns his own restaurant.
"Terrif.
" Talk to me, babe.
Elka, who are you calling? Kimmel.
- What? - I'm your new assistant.
Have you lost your mind? I got this.
I watched every episode of Entourage.
All right, give me that phone.
Victoria Chase returning.
If she doesn't get the first spot, she's going straight to Letterman.
No, no, any spot is fine.
First spot? Oh, thank you, Bernie.
See you Friday at Temple.
Temple, really? He's not gonna be there either.
What a great game! Boy, you really hustle on the court.
- I like to win.
- I just like to play.
I don't care who wins.
I noticed.
But, wow, you and Bill, you guys sure are competitive.
Oh, that's just all in good fun.
And the fun part is, I am better than him by, like, a lot.
Hey, Bill and Joy really seemed to hit it off.
Do you think maybe we should invite 'em for game night Saturday? I don't know.
Friends dating friends-- that gets weird.
Well, no, it doesn't have to be.
And Joy really deserves a great guy like Bill.
She's had bad luck with men.
But don't tell Bill, I don't want to spook him.
Oh, sweet! I just got selected to be Cleveland's most eligible bachelor for the sixth year in a row.
Oh, that's terrific.
You don't seem happy about it.
No, I am, I am.
Yeah, I just didn't think you were gonna be in the running this year, 'cause, you know, the word "eligible" makes you sound so eligible.
Which, of course, I'm not Although Chloe always thought it was good for business.
Uhhuh.
Uh-huh.
But Chloe doesn't work here anymore.
So it only matters what you think.
So What do you think? I guess I think that I don't need to be on some silly magazine cover.
You'd give up your crown and all the perks for me? Absolutely.
And there's no crown, but Well, there are some perks-- Free eye exam Boy, I use that every day.
Joy, you have a wicked backhand.
Totally "ridic.
" Thanks.
I guess we both live for the "competish.
" Whoa.
I just got named Cleve's most eligible bachelor.
Congratulations.
Hey, didn't Alec win that, like, five years in a row? The torch has been passed.
And I cannot wait to find just the right moment to rub that torch in his face.
So, Stu, since you can't satisfy your wife, how about you satisfy me? - Yes, I'll hold.
- Elka? Who are you talking to now? Tarantino's people.
I'm pitching you for his next movie.
What? No, no, you're not my agent.
You're my assistant.
I promoted myself.
Elka, Victoria, this is Alec's friend Bill.
- Oh, hi, Bill.
- Oh.
Bill just got voted Cleveland's most eligible bachelor.
Oh, congratulations.
And if I'm not mistaken, your restaurant just earned a coveted Michelin star.
You are not mistaken.
We did score a "Mish.
" Don't tell Bill, but his restaurant is overrated.
All he does is slap truffles on everything.
So, Stu, stop yanking my chain.
Put Marty on.
Who's Marty? There's always a Marty.
Are you sure you're not disappointed? Why would you say that? Because you keep looking at last year's issue and sighing.
Oh, no.
I had a good run.
Nope, now I'm free to grow out my soul patch.
Soul patch? Is that that little beard that gnomes have? Yeah, yeah.
All the guys in my basketball league, they all patch out for the season.
See? I started already.
Oh, yeah.
I just thought you missed a spot shaving.
You're not a fan of the soul patch? No, no, I love 'em.
It's like you're my very own Starbucks barista.
You know, the coffee at Dunkin' Donuts is better.
Was better.
You're funny.
So, uh, Oil of Olay would be a huge boost to our national Okay, she's gone.
- Where were we? - Wait.
Why can't we tell people in the office that we're dating now so we can avoid awkward moments like that? Well, it actually might create more awkward moments, like people thinking you're getting special treatment for sleeping with the boss.
You sound like you have some experience with this.
Well To be honest, I, uh--I have dated within the office, and it gets complicated.
Oh.
Not that it matters, 'cause it so doesn't But who was it? Look, there's no point in telling you.
It's in the past.
- Let's just let it go.
- Okay, you're right.
It's in the past.
I'll let it go.
Was it Lisa, the copywriter? Melanie, don't do this.
You are the only woman in my life.
That's all that matters.
Oh.
Dianne in Accounting? Mm.
You're right! Peanut butter and jelly is better with truffles.
What's with all the Cosmos? Oh, there's an article about Victoria.
She's conveniently marked it with a Post-it.
"Victoria Chase's Fabulous 40s.
" Wow, she looks great for 45.
Mm.
She looks really great for [Bleep.]
.
Oh, my God, that just slipped out.
Please, you can't say anything.
No prob.
I know women are a little "sensi" on that subject.
Thank you.
Hey, what are you doing Saturday night? Actually, it's our monthly game night.
I could use a good partner.
Melanie's got Alec, and she's always bragging about how brilliant he is.
Yeah, Alec's pretty good, I guess, as long as he's not under pressure.
Don't tell anyone, but Alec choked on Jeps.
"Jeps"? Jeopardy! He was a contestant.
Totally froze.
Ended up with the lowest score in Jeps history-- negative 6,800.
He was--he was so upset, he burst into tears.
Even Alex trebek was embarrassed.
Oh, my God, how humiliating.
You know, Jeopardy! Is one of Melanie's favorite shows, even though she's terrible at it.
Every time they answer correctly, she's all, "how do they know that stuff?" - So she's not very "intel.
" - No, she's very "intel.
" She's just more into Wheel.
"Wheel"? It's Wheel of Fortune.
I-I just shortened it.
Huh.
Never heard it "abbreved" like that.
Well, you better shove a phone book down your pants 'cause you're gonna get your ass kicked, O.
B.
B.
I love you too, man.
Well, it happened.
Friends are dating friends.
Joy invited Bill to game night.
Oh, I think that's great! Why do you call Bill O.
B.
B.
? Oh, it's-- it's nothing.
No, it's just a nickname thing.
I don't know.
That is the worst covering up I have ever seen.
Okay, look, I shouldn't have mentioned it.
Can we just let it go? Alec, I'm your girlfriend! You're supposed to tell me stuff.
Okay.
Okay, I will tell you.
But you have to swear that you will tell no one.
Okay.
I swear, I swear.
So what does O.
B.
B.
Mean? "One Ball Bill"? Well, I promised I wouldn't say anything, but I really thought you should know, just in case you and Bill end up you know, so you won't be totally surprised.
It doesn't bother me.
Well, I know men are quite attached to them.
But let's be honest.
Aesthetically speaking, it's not exactly a peacock plume.
You know, in terms of numbers, I think one is heading in the right direction.
You know, it's not like you ever think, "Ooh, I wish there were more of those.
" Okay, Joy, I told you a secret about Bill.
But now I need you to find out something for me.
Alec confessed that I'm not the only woman he's dated at the office.
- And he won't tell me who she is! - I'm on it.
But Bill can't know you're asking for me.
Oh, please, I'm Mata Hari.
Secrets are my business.
In fact, Bill told me a juicy one about Alec being on Jeopardy! He was? I love Jeopardy! How do they know all that stuff? Well, sometimes they do, and sometimes they choke.
Don't tell Alec I told you, but One time on Jeps The bottom line is, when Chloe left, she took half our clients.
So are we gonna let that stop us? _ Nine? Sorry, I just, um-- when I'm passionate about something, I speak German.
Okay, well, on that note, let's adjourn for today.
Thank you very much.
Keep up the good work.
By the way, Alec, love the soul patch.
Well, thank you, Kathy.
Hmm.
Boy, that Kathy sure pitched a few clunkers, huh? I never dated Kathy.
Oh, in that case, she made a number of excellent points.
Melanie, don't do this.
Please let it go, for your sake and for ours.
I'm sorry.
It's not something I like about myself, but sometimes I get a little jealous and insecure.
Well, you have no reason to be.
You are all I want.
Wow.
That patch sure is growing in, isn't it? Mmm.
Bill, these appetizers are delicious.
Hot apps are my thing.
Can you taste my secret "ingreed"? Is it truffles? "Truff" reduction, actually.
This whole meal could use a little "truff" reduction.
Let me get you another vodka tonic, Elka.
It's the least I can do for the little shark who got me a part in the next Tarantino movie.
Oh, Elka, thank you, thank you, thank you.
You're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome.
She didn't get the part.
What? Oh, I demanded too much money.
I was drunk with power.
When are you going to tell her? As soon as I get drunk with vodka.
Here's my little star.
How about a toast to the chef? Who also happens to be Um, um, I'm too modest.
Joy, why don't you tell 'em? Bill just got named-- Cleveland's most eligible bachelor! Wait.
Seriously? Awesome, right? And they're really stepping it up this year-- Super Bowl tix.
Super Bowl tickets? All I ever got was a discount Dunkin' Donuts card and a free eye exam.
Yeah, I gave that stuff to my dad.
But you've got the real prize.
Me.
Of course I do.
- So let's play.
- We'll go first.
Okay, so the rules.
You pick a title of something, and then you draw a picture.
Like if I drew a bowl with a cape, that might be Super Bowl.
I get it.
Okay, round.
Round, round, around-- Around The World In 80 Days.
- Yes! - Wow.
Yay, Joy! What? No, you don't "yay" the other team.
- It's your turn, Elka.
- Oh, oh.
Boy, Joy plays to win, huh? Must be nice.
Don't worry.
I've never won this game, so I'm due.
Sharon Stone Got your part.
Yes! How could this happen? You said it was a lock! You said that you went all Ari Gold on their ass! It turned out Entourage was all made up.
I'm sorry, Victoria.
Well, I got to go call my agent My real agent.
Wait till she finds out she lost Kimmel.
Victoria's so upset.
Maybe we should stop playing.
- No! - No! Okay, then I'm up.
Okay.
Uh It's a man.
Man of La Mancha.
Uh, no.
Jester hat? Shakespeare In Love.
Uh, baseball? -The Natural.
- Time's up.
What was it? Was I close? Kind of.
Bridget Jones's Diary.
- What? - It's a juggler.
She has to juggle men and career and parents.
Oh, that's good.
How am I supposed to know it's a juggler, with only one ball? One ball is useless.
If you only have one ball, you might as well have no balls.
Oop.
Hmm.
What's so funny? Oh, my God! You told Melanie about O.
B.
B.
? You told Joy about O.
B.
B.
? Only because I didn't want her to be surprised if and when the issue ever came up, which we're all rooting for! Bill, I am totally fine with one-- more than fine.
It's better really.
The less, the merrier.
See, she loves it.
So let's just keep playing, okay? Okay.
So, ball-- Bill It's your turn.
No prob.
Let's get back to pics.
Uh, it's a man.
With tears.
Oh, oh, I know this! It's Alec on Jeopardy! - The Crying Game.
- Yes! You swore you'd never tell anybody about Jeopardy! Like you swore you'd never tell anyone about O.
B.
B.
! Again, I'm thrilled with just the one.
Well, this is a disaster.
My agent said that there's no way I can get that part back, and I can't afford to lose parts.
As an actress, I have a limited shelf life.
Take it easy, Vic.
You look "incred" for [Bleep.]
.
Bill! Oh, Joy Scroggs, how could you? We never say that number! Not even to each other.
Well, this makes all the word shortening and the ugly soul patches and Melanie's cornball sex music look like nothing.
What's wrong with word shortening? It's more "expedish.
" It can be the tiniest bit annoying.
Well, that's a little picky.
No wonder you have bad luck with men.
Alec, I told you that in confidence! You told Alec I have bad luck with men? Come on, Joy.
Anybody could have said that.
Melanie, you said that you loved my soul patch.
And you said you loved John Mayer.
Your Body Is A Wonderland is cornball sex music? Well, the "your" is not specific.
It sounds like he's singing it to me.
Somebody's a little bit into themself.
Somebody who used to be Cleveland's most eligible "bach.
" You only won that because Melanie made me drop out.
Made you? See? You are upset about it.
Just admit it! And admit the truth about the nine other women you've slept with at the office! - Nine? - I didn't write "nine"! I wrote "Nina.
" Stupid autocorrect.
It was Nina? Nina with the parking space closest to the building? Well, you don't have to be on Jeopardy! To know how she got that.
See, she's not so stupid.
You said I was stupid? No, I said you were more into Wheel than Jeps.
Melanie, don't let your jealousy and your insecurity get the best of you.
Oh, and who said I was jealous and insecure? You did! Well, you didn't have to repeat it! And if I actually were on Wheel right now, I would buy a vowel and put some impolite consonants around it and then add the word "you"! You can't add words on Wheel of Fortune! I just play to have fun! This never happens on Password.
See, this is what happens when friends date friends.
- Oh, so now it's my fault! - Well, it's not my fault.
So I guess this is our first fight.
I guess so.
I hate fighting.
I prefer to keep things to myself and let 'em simmer for 15, 20 years.
I'm a bolter.
There's no problem I can't run away from.
So why aren't you running away now? I'm full of truffle butter and truffle wine.
And I'm crazy about you.
I'm crazy about you too.
I'm really sorry I made you give up the bachelor thing.
I guess I'm just worried, you know, that--that you still want to be eligible.
No, no.
I-I don't want to be eligible.
I think I just liked the bragging rights of the bachelor thing.
Truth is I love being with you, and I want the world to know.
In fact, I've been thinking we should tell everyone at the office about us.
I'd like that.
Mm.
And I'm really getting used to the soul patch.
No, you're not.
I'll shave tomorrow.
Or tonight, your choice.