House of Lies s04e10 Episode Script

Previously on House of Lies Take Kaan and Associates and, like, ten other management firms and put them in a blender and strain the fat.
It's nice when dreams work out, huh? Yeah.
You wanted me to own you, and now I do.
Handbags, purses.
And you're making this kind of bank? Not bad.
But you're gonna give it a rest, right? I will.
Clyde has feelings for her.
Okay, so stop fucking her.
I have mad respect for a guy who'd give up top-shelf genius vag for friendship.
Just 'cause you want back in doesn't mean I'm gonna stop sleeping with Clyde.
Isn't this what we discussed-- making K and A huge? Which victory means more to you? Saying "fuck you" to my turnaround artist, or making serious "fuck you" money? Come on.
Okay, watch your step.
Yeah, right there.
Okay, look, don't peek.
If you if you're peeking, you're gonna ruin it.
Just keep coming, keep coming.
I'll tell you when you can look.
Hold on, hold on.
Ya-da! Ta-da.
Three boutique consulting firms acquired.
Six more slated for acquisition within the fiscal quarter.
Double-digit market share growth within the month.
What?! Welcome to the golden age of Kaan and Associates.
A true Renaissance where I am da Vinci, uh, Copernicus Uh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Come Did did you just look me in the eye? Yeah.
Get your fucking shit and get out.
Kick rocks, motherfucker, you're fired.
You're not seriously? You're joking, right? Yeah, I'm joking.
What, am I gonna fire you just 'cause you looked me in the eye? Get the fuck out of here.
Phew.
Phew, no.
I'm firing you because you're habitually late, your client optics are sub-optimal, and HR says you're something of a sexual predator, so, yeah, freak, get the fuck out.
Bounce.
Run, don't walk, motherfucker.
Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah, and Machia-fuckin'-velli all rolled up into one.
Oh, shit, you see me limping? Yeah, that's 'cause my balls are so big.
Whoever said it was lonely at the top-- thank you, sweetheart-- never sat here.
Let's not stall, y'all How 'bout a booty call You got a man, ah I won't tell at all Night long Quick Draw McGraw Finest thing I've seen No flaws Let's not stall, y'all How 'bout a booty call You got a man, ah I won't tell at all Night long Quick Draw McGraw Finest thing I've seen No flaws Lina, Tina, Gina, Nina A few were Latina Some Filipina All a little keener Check the demeanor And that's a real Hermès? What do you think? Look at the stitching.
Roscoe? Good morning.
Um, morning, Mr.
Andrews.
How's your day so far? It's okay.
That's good.
Mine? Not great.
Let me tell you why.
I just spent the better portion of the morning talking with Debbie Nichols' mom.
Well, I say "talking.
" It was more her lecturing me on the devastating effect that counterfeit handbags have on the fashion industry.
I have just so much newfound wisdom to impart to you.
Shall we? Okay, so if we're all good with the basic layout, I can have the design coding done in a couple of weeks.
Perfect.
Sounds great.
All right.
Uh, where you going? I should make an appearance at my day job.
If I don't show up for a few weeks, the party app guys start to notice.
What's this? Happy birthday, Kels.
Uh, I I was just about to say the same thing.
Happy birthday, um, from me as well.
Uh, my gift was supposed to arrive yesterday.
Fucking USPS.
Two tickets to The Dirty Projectors? What are The Dirty Projectors? Are you f? You went on this huge rant about how they're genius.
And how math rock is coming You're fucking with m Ah This is awesome, thank you.
It's okay, kind of generic.
J-Jeannie, we got it covered, okay? Yeah, see you this afternoon.
Uh, let me guess-- another doctors appointment? Uh-huh, that's convenient.
I know, right? It's almost like she's having a baby or some shit.
Literally didn't hear a word you guys just said.
Recon lunch, let's go.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Hey.
Yes.
See you tonight? Yes, yeah, yeah.
Aw.
N Nah Oh, my God.
Oh, oh, okay.
Bye, Doug.
Yeah, that's Hey, unbelievable gift coming your way.
You just passing them out, or? No? Hey, hey, wait.
So both of you guys are still? You know, Mm-hmm.
knocking that out? Uh-huh.
How's that working? It is beyond great.
It's fucking terrible.
That's two different answers.
Are you crazy? I love it.
Not only do I get to have mind-blowing commitment-free sex, the fact that Clyde is sharing a similar experience is only bringing us that much closer together.
And you say? It absolutely has not.
Right.
And can you stop wearing that fucking cologne to her place? That shit lingers for days.
Afraid I can't do that, Clyde.
Why? Why, Doug? Why can't you do that? Well, because it's my fucking cologne.
Oh, I'm gonna throw up.
Mm-hmm.
Because Doug has a fucking cologne? - Oh, my God.
- You mean a cologne he wears while he's fucking? Don't you fucking Wh-What's it called? It's called Uninvited Guest.
This could be our Holy Grail.
After 35 years, a cult-like following, the Southern California institution known as Shags Burger Shack is finally ready to expand nationally.
And now that CEO and founder Samuel Sullivan is six feet under, son Luke Sullivan is the newly-appointed Shag Godhead.
And he is looking for a Moses to take his people out of the SoCal desert.
Marty, can we be that Moses? I think we are that motherfucking Moses.
You can't curse here, though.
Uh, sorry, decent people.
Quick question, if you don't mind.
Yeah, mm-hmm? The fact that Luke Sullivan is an outspoken, Bible-thumping denier of gay rights, a woman's right to choose? It's unfortunate, but it doesn't mean his money is any less green.
Welcome to Shags Burger Shack.
What can I get you? Uh how are the tacos? They're two for 99 cents.
Not what I asked.
And yet you still answered my question.
It's a simple menu, just order something.
Greasy food wreaks havoc on my system.
You know that.
Marty Kaan.
Hey, hey.
Back at the Shack.
Never thought I'd see this.
Do you still have time for us to talk? Absolutely.
Mm? Yeah, great, great.
- Uh, you know what? I'm just gonna take my chances - Doug.
yeah, with a-a salad.
I'm afraid we don't offer a salad.
What does that mean? You don't have lettuce? We have burger lettuce.
What on Earth is burger lettuce? It's the lettuce we put on burgers.
The lettuce that they put on burgers.
They don't have s J I'm s-I'm sorry, forgive me for my friend.
He'll have a number one combo No.
or a bullet to the temple.
It's his choice.
I'll get the number one, please.
And a Diet Coke.
You get your own drink.
Of course you do.
Come on, Charles.
Yeah, I need it.
This is taking too long, Charles, come on.
It's here somewhere.
Okay, yeah? Look, we really appreciate your insight on this pitch, but we are under a time crunch Found it.
There you go.
Ooh! Teenage Marty.
Oh, wow.
It is more beautiful than I dreamed, Charles.
Look at the embarrassment in your eyes.
The shame.
Flipping burgers.
So depressing.
Um May-Maybe it was pride.
Let me see it again.
Oh, yes, that's what it is-- it's probably pride.
This is really good, sir.
Hey.
Okay, Charles, can we Serious as ever.
Okay, inside intel.
You know Luke Sullivan is looking to maintain the same level of product quality and customer service Shags is known for? Yeah, but franchising at the level that he's suggesting makes that impossible.
I know that's true, you know that's true.
Hell, deep down, I bet even he knows it's true.
But Luke Sullivan doesn't want to be told the truth.
He wants to be told what he wants to hear.
I mean, that's good.
I guess it's helpful, but is there anything else? I mean, something that really gives us an edge? That is your edge.
You stick to that, you'll be a top contender.
So his big piece of advice was to tell the client exactly what they want to hear, which is basically what we do with every client.
Well, I'm so glad I made myself a prime candidate for heart disease for that.
Oh, you're smiling.
You know I love it when you're smiling after a meeting, Marty.
Well, listen, every other consulting firm's gonna give him what he wants.
So let's reframe it.
Give him what he doesn't know he wants.
And that is? Well, if I knew what that was, then you two could take the afternoon off instead of going back and drilling down deep on Shags, which is what you're gonna do.
Get Jeannie in on it as well.
Okay, and while we're busting our ass you'll be, what? Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
That burger-- that's what it was.
I-It's got my blood sugar all over the map, and so I don't - know what that was.
Ooh, let me get that, Marty.
There you go.
- Okay.
Buckle up.
You got enough money for gas? It's an electric car, you idiot.
Great, okay, uh, drive safe.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I Yes.
Of course, we will see you in the morning.
All right, bye.
Sorry about that.
Sounded fun.
Uh, seems that my son's been caught turning his passion for purses into a rather lucrative black market business.
That is shameful.
Let me know if he ever wants a summer internship.
Have you decided? Uh, yeah, Salad Nicoise.
Yeah, I'm good with coffee, thanks.
Had a double Shag burger.
Course.
'Cause why eat in a Michelin-rated restaurant when you can stop off for a Shag burger? Oh, you must be in the running for their franchising consult.
Yeah, we pitch tomorrow.
Be a huge win for you guys.
Significant media attention.
You'd be part of the story.
Got to win it first.
Yeah.
I need you to not.
I've got a multi-billion dollar deal brewing with a certain fast food competitor.
I can't say who it is, but here's a hint: their arches are golden.
Aha.
And if they were to read about the Shags expansion being spearheaded by a company under the Global umbrella I don't need to finish that thought, right? You want us out of the running? Well, I can't afford your consulting for Shags to become newsworthy.
But if you were to go in there and convince Luke Sullivan that now's not the time for national expansion, make a strong case to stay the course, shore up the SoCal market Can't imagine that'd be newsworthy.
You could even take credit for, um, you know, having some back room influence on suppressing their national expansion.
I hadn't thought of it that way, but I like it.
It's a layup.
Uh, there is one problem.
What? A stay the course strategy, that is a guaranteed loser.
No such thing.
Not when Marty Kaan's doing the pitching.
So we good? Oh, yeah, we're good.
We're all good.
Hey, you know I'd have been happy to split the cost of those tickets with you.
Ugh Any idea what I should get her? No.
Nope.
Come on.
Why don't you help an Eskimo brother out, huh? You know what? I'm just gonna get her flowers.
Yeah.
Well, Kelsey doesn't want flowers, Doug.
Okay, I know a lot of girls say they don't want flowers, Clyde, but trust me, every girl wants flowers.
Unless they're allergic.
Which Kelsey is.
So I feel like she may not want flowers.
Aw, shit.
Um Oh.
Okay.
I'm so afraid.
When one door closes Oh I got it, even better.
I'm gonna get her a sexy teddy bear.
- Yes.
- What the fuck is a sexy teddy bear? Yes.
Don't look at him.
You're encourage Agh! Why am I even helping you with this? Why is "sexy bear" taking me to all these gay sites? How long are you gonna be okay with, uh, that sticking that in your girlfriend on a regular basis? She likes us both.
Marty, we've been digging into Shags and Got a change of plans.
Okay? We're going with a stay the course strategy, so I need you to start building decks to support it.
- Stay the course? Why would we - Just do it.
So how was that lunch with Denna? It's the play we gotta make.
Okay.
I don't have a choice.
Okay, okay.
Will you just not "okay" me to fucking death and tell me what it is you came in here to say? I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
You're sor Jeannie.
Why are you sorry? I don't know what happened or why, exactly, but I do know we have people to answer to now.
And I know taking a dive like that is gonna make you fucking miserable, and that's why I'm sorry.
Ah, gang's all here and we're drinking.
Take it easy on your brother, Marty.
He's had a rough day.
Network passed on his pilot.
- Mm-hmm.
Then the girl he just started seeing dumped him.
- What?! Funny how now that I'm not a TV star, I'm suddenly "full of shit.
" You were never a TV star, and you've always been full of shit.
Well, I think it's her loss.
Here.
Oh, okay.
So? Drink it.
So? So you want to explain what happened? After I specifically told you to stop selling purses.
Dad, they're not purses.
I wouldn't be correcting your father's choice of words right now, Roscoe.
Thank you.
Okay.
A couple months ago, I sold a handbag to Deep Throat Debbie.
Deep Th He said what? Yeah, that's what everybody calls her.
She gave it to her mom who's a fashion designer.
Dad, she's probably just pissed because it took her this long to figure out.
Okay, well, here's what's gonna happen.
We're gonna go down to that school tomorrow, and you're gonna apologize to the girl, and give the money back, and then pray they don't suspend you.
For real? That's the advice you're gonna go with? Come on, Marty.
Oh, Roscoe, you got to fight this thing.
Hey, Malcolm Oh, you bet your ass if.
Thurston Howell III's son got caught selling handbags, they'd be throwing all kinds of parades and shit celebrating his entrepreneurial skills.
You got to fight this.
Listen.
Roscoe broke the rules.
Yeah, and he got caught.
And now he's gonna pay the price.
Guess nobody can accuse you of being a hypocrite this time, huh, Dad? Mm, that's 'cause you went to jail.
He went to prison.
There's a smell.
There's a terrible Wha Oh.
And I fucking Fuck.
I know.
I know, I washed 'em yesterday.
Can you say something to Doug? Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah? I need to get away from it, though, because Yeah.
Here, yeah, let's switch.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
What? Oh, no.
Wha What? No.
I can't.
I ref No.
What? The bear? It's a fucking teddy bear wearing lingerie! How does that make any fucking sense?! Kelsey, that's not even the fucking problem.
Okay, if you're unhappy with our arrangement Yes, I'm unhappy with our arrangement.
I will tell you I've been unhappy with our arrangement the entire fucking time.
I thought you said you'd been in open relationships before.
I have, but not with Doug.
I mean, I share an office with the guy.
That's enough.
Well, it seems like you really decided to put your foot down about this.
All right, you know what? Um, I should go.
I'm gonna go.
What? And it's not just that I don't want to share you with someone that I see every day.
I don't want to share you with anyone.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Oh, my God, you are so insecure.
No.
Okay, I won't fuck Doug anymore.
Or anybody else.
Oh.
Hmm.
You know what? That actually feels like a lot of pressure.
Oh.
Fuck off.
It's a lot at once.
It feels like you want to move in, it feels like you want to get fucking married right off the bat.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, you want to know what the worst part is? Guess which political pundit they gave a show to instead? Who? Alfonso Ribeiro.
Alf Carlton? Carlton from the Fresh fucking Prince.
What?! Yes.
That's what they want.
I mean, how is anyone supposed to take this guy serious? You know, Carlton.
Well No.
the idea of affirmative action is reverse discrimination is racism personified.
Break it down.
You're stupid.
Oh, my God.
Break it down.
Break it down.
Break it down.
Hey, for real.
I'm-I'm really sorry you had such a shitty day, Malcolm.
You don't Okay.
Really? Look, I know you're drunk, I know you just got dumped, but I'm gonna go to bed with your father now, and try to forget this little thing just happened.
Okay? Excuse me.
Too young for me anyway.
Fucking Carlton.
Here's your money back.
I'm sorry.
A hundred dollars? That's all for what you claimed to be an original Valentino? That's all I charged Debbie.
We had an arrangement.
Dad, it was her idea.
Okay, you two, get to class.
Hmm.
Well, I can't even begin to imagine what drove him to this.
You know, he must have really had a tough go of it.
No, not really.
Kids just do stupid shit sometimes.
Well, in my day, it was a stolen six-pack.
You know, maybe a little weed.
You feel me? Oh, I feel you.
Definitely wasn't designer drugs paid for by selling illegal knockoff handbags.
Wait a minute.
Who said anything about drugs? Oh, I'm hearing rumors about very well-funded parties.
Wow.
Well, I've heard a couple rumors about rainbow parties, but other than that I should be going.
Whatever is decided here, I'm sure Roscoe will land on his feet.
Thanks for the concern.
Mm-hmm.
Yikes, huh? Could she be a little more fucking cryptic? For better or worse-- usually for worse-- she has a lot of influence in our school community, and she wants Roscoe expelled.
Ex? He sold a couple of fucking fake purses.
Are you kidding me? Roscoe really hit a nerve here.
Marty, I'm telling you this as a friend.
Oh.
A friend? Okay.
Fantastic.
Now, why don't you just fucking say it? Maybe it would be best for Roscoe if he were to finish his education elsewhere.
Yeah.
Certainly be a lot less embarrassing for the school, right? He wants to be here, okay? He likes it here.
I want him here.
So, you know what? Maybe we're gonna fight this thing.
Maybe we're gonna get loud.
We'll tell our side of the story to the diversity committee.
How about that? I'm mean, that shouldn't be too hard for them to squeeze us in, right? You got what, like a dozen black families enrolled? I got to tell you, John.
For a school that charges a shitload of money based on the promise of a progressive education, that number seems pretty low to me.
Okay.
I get it.
You do? 'Cause I haven't even started in on the whole "persecution of the gender fluid teen" aspect.
But that's coming.
You want to get loud? That's your right.
You can turn this whole thing into a circus, you can make Roscoe's humiliation as public as possible.
Or Roscoe can have a fresh start somewhere else.
Play it either way, but one way or another, Roscoe's gone.
Wait, so she told you we were over before telling me.
I'm sorry you had to find out that way, all right, buddy.
And, boof, judging by your stench, you were planning on seeing her tonight.
So, this has got to be tough.
Shag time.
Let's go.
All right, it's Shag time, Doug.
I'm sorry, man.
Well you know what, I'm just going to call her.
Just to be sure.
Yeah, you should call her.
That's actually a good idea.
Oh, my God, you're serious.
I don't un-understand.
Things were going so well.
You're making a scene.
Calm down.
I'm not.
You are making a scene.
Hold on, can't we just talk about it, please? Doug, it's over.
Everybody's in the conference room.
Hey, Jeannie, do me a favor.
Tell me something to make me feel good about this.
Even if we did try, we might not have won their business.
Come on, something real.
Shit.
If I had to work for this backwards-thinking asshole, I would never stop bitching about it.
See? There you go.
Mr.
Sullivan, I think you can see here that by pursuing a modest build up in states where Shags already has an established brand presence, we can confidently project an overall regional sales growth of about Oh, come on! And I-I'm sorry, but I've got to say, this is disappointing.
A status quo strategy? I was expecting more from the great Marty Kaan.
So unless there's anything else Clyde Um can you pull up the median real estate price differentials for red states versus blue.
- One moment, Mr.
Sullivan.
- I'm on it.
I can make You sure? All right.
It's okay, it's fine.
No, it's fine.
Uh Mr.
Sullivan, we like to be thorough.
We like to present our clients with all of their options, but yes, I'm afraid we've been wasting your time.
Because contrary to everything you've been hearing today, Shags Burger Shack is ready to compete on the national level.
You know this, we all know this, but with expansion comes more scrutiny.
More people to answer to.
And do you know what those people will be telling you? Keep your controversial mouth shut.
Do you want to keep your mouth shut? No, I do not.
I didn't think so.
And you don't have to.
Because there is a way for you to be who you are, without sacrificing your bottom line.
Take a look at Jeannie.
Hello.
About to experience the miracle of childbirth.
And when Jeannie gets those midnight cravings, where does Jeannie send her husband? Shags Burger Shack.
Uh Shags Burger Shack.
Because not only does she want a product that's quality, with the freshest ingredients, she likes what you stand for.
So does my father, the Pastor Jeremiah Kaan.
And so do I.
Because it is these same values that this born-again father fights to instill in his son every day.
Well, I'm happy to hear you've been saved, but what does this have to do with our expansion? Well, we feel that by focusing your build out in areas where the majority of the population, you know, supports our shared views Which is a vast majority of the country.
you will more than offset any diminished earnings from the blue markets.
Listen, you keep speaking to truth, and people will flock to eat at Shags Burger Shack because in so doing, they're making a statement.
A statement that says, I stand for values.
I stand for family.
For God.
Amen.
Hallelujah, I stand for God.
And an added bonus the median real estate prices in red states versus blue states are lower by an average There you go-- lower overhead, bigger profits.
And do you think we could still compete with the majors? Competing? They're going to be Mic-shitting in their pants.
Okay, no, no.
Sorry, no, I got excited.
Oh-ho.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's fine.
Listen, you say whatever you want, whenever you want.
And after you've devoured the heartland, after you've become so unstoppably huge that you are undeniable, you march into those liberal markets like a conquering hero.
Do you like what you're hearing so far? Very much.
You told me this was a real Miu Miu.
I wore this fake piece of shit to a charity event.
Did you really give Deep Throat Debbie a discount? Enjoy your expulsion, asshole.
Hey.
Molly.
What's up guys? Is everyone still going to Avery's later? Um, I don't think so.
We're all pretty tired.
Closed it in the motherfucking room! Uh-huh.
Boom round the room.
Ah! Ah! Some masterful shit in there, Marty.
I like to think of myself as merely a vessel for a higher power.
Amen.
It's like my father used to say The great Pastor Jeremiah Kaan.
The very good pastor, he would say, "Son," he liked to call me son.
He'd say, "Son, get yourself motherfucking paid," and they we'd go, rah, rah, Rah, rah.
rah, rah! Praise money! Hallowed be thy name.
Whoo, hallelujah! As much as I hate to break up this revival meeting, but I did promise the hubby we'd go imaginary house hunting, so Oh, well, I hear the real estate prices in Randland are at an all-time low.
Randland.
The, uh, the mythical land in the Wheel of Time series, written by Oh, why do I bother? Gee, how bad do you think this fallout with Denna is gonna be? Oh, don't worry about that.
We'll-we'll figure it out.
Marty, Luke Sullivan for you on one.
Ah probably calling to say thank you very much.
Oh.
Yes, sir.
Mr.
Sullivan.
No, I-I'm sorry, could you I don't understand.
No, we do share a comm Mist Uh apparently they've had a change of heart.
They've decided to go with a firm whose true core values are more in line with theirs.
True core values? How did they switch so Hey.
How'd it go with Shags? Great.
Till you killed the deal.
Now why does everyone just assume I'm this all-powerful, omnipotent deity who can eviscerate major deals the moment they happen? Okay, you got me.
I did enjoy hearing about Jeannie's husband and your pastor father.
But Luke was shocked to learn that a religious man such as yourself would not only have a baby out of wedlock, but a gender bending son.
You involved my son in this? So, that's it? I don't even get the courtesy of a bullshit excuse? I mean, you know, "I didn't realize what you were asking me to do.
I was confused.
" Oh, you weren't subtle.
You know what's really disappointing here? What? I thought we were having fun.
You got to play king of the mountain, it didn't cost me anything, so I was happy to let you do it.
But somewhere along the way, you convinced yourself that you had real power.
And now you're a problem I have to solve.
This is important, so if there's nothing else? Hi.
No, now's a perfect time to talk.
With a heavy heart And now you're picking a fight With the world's strongest man