Jane the Virgin (2014) s04e10 Episode Script
Chapter Seventy-Four
1 LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hello, #Jafael shippers.
I hope you can keep your mouth shut, because Jane and Rafael are secretly exploring their feelings for each other.
Also keeping a secret? Petra's lawyer, Jane Ramos, AKA J.
R.
See, she's working with some shady figures to get Petra thrown in jail.
Straight out of a telenovela, right? Well, imagine this.
Jane's father put his career on hold to focus on being a stay-at-home dad to his baby, Baby.
Only that turned out to be boring, boring.
Also stuck? Our Jane.
See, she had writer's block.
And to make matters worse, Petra got herself a book deal.
Okay! (LAUGHS) And then this happened.
Jane, will you ghostwrite my book? And speaking of complicated coworkers, Alba is still working with Jorge, after she rejected his marriage proposal.
No.
And so, he moved on, leaving our abuela single and ready to mingle.
So, open the sunroof, 'cause it's about to get hot in here.
Friends, Jane's Gloriana Villanueva's sexual evolution went through many stages.
Fear.
(MOANS) We should stop! Denial.
Temptation.
I'm fine! I really want to do this.
I'm Negotiation.
Wow.
How do you feel? Good.
I feel good.
Acceptance.
Liberation.
And, finally (MOANING) Let me just put the seat down.
Car sex.
(MOANING) No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't want to do this.
Are you insane? We can't have sex for the first time in a car.
(LAUGHS): Oh Mwah! - Sure, we can.
- No.
Oh, hey.
No, no, no, no.
(GIGGLING) No way.
Not after how judgy you were about that kiss.
(SCOFFS) I need my full range of motion.
Mm.
Mm! (PANTS) (SIGHS) JANE: Okay, so let's go upstairs - to your apartment.
- The girls will be here in 15 minutes.
And we don't have to rush this.
The whole point of dating in secret is to see if we can be a normal couple.
So I'm taking you out first.
On a date.
Oh.
So romantic.
Make it a short date.
(MOANS) Let me see your dating profile! Oh, come on.
Let me see what you got.
(GROANS) Okay, that's a good start.
It's a little rigid.
Clergymen and monks? Because that's what you're gonna get with this profile.
(SIGHS) Fine.
Then look around and make a move.
Or I'm gonna change that profile and I'm gonna describe you as âfun-lovingâ" Abuela, when we sell this, I can quit the lounge.
Plus, it'll give me a nice break from having to think of overly-complicated, soapy, romantic plots.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Tell me about it.
Book templates.
I want to see what Petra responds to.
Hmm? Unfortunately, I didn't respond to any of this.
But that's okay because how are we supposed to know what we like if we don't know what we hate? Right.
Glad I can help with that.
I don't want to be derivative.
I want to create my own brand.
I mean, I can't relate to Martha Stewart, Chrissy Teigen or Bethenny Frankel.
I'm a businesswoman, not some celebrity who's had their name slapped on a business.
NARRATOR: Hey, back off Chrissy Teigen.
She's a literal legend.
I built this hotel from the ground up.
I want this book to reflect how hard I've worked.
Hey! Those StairMasters should obviously be facing the windows.
Sorry.
Uh, you didn't specify.
Yeah, I also didn't specifically say not to put them upside down.
It's common sense.
We're renovating the gym.
I test everything myself before I put it in the hotel.
I'm that thorough.
See, that's the kind of stuff the book should be about.
Yeah, got it.
That sounds great.
I just need to know the template so I know what kind of book I'm writing.
I am the template.
Think outside the box for this book.
Maybe maybe it's not even a regular book? Maybe it's in the shape of me? Or the hotel? Got it.
You know, we can decide the shape of the book later.
For now, we need to submit a proposal.
So, would you say it's more a autobiography? Or, uh, would it be more a lifestyle book? Or a collection of stories? Or all three woven together? Okay, but what category would it fall into, like, the most? Let's not categorize.
Does it have pictures or no pictures? Don't condescend, Jane.
Of course it has pictures with my new haircut.
Look, I'm sorry.
(SIGHS) I really want this to be a happy collaboration.
So do I, honestly.
And I love your haircut.
You know, we're just getting tripped up on hypotheticals.
Let me work on the proposal.
I worked for a publisher.
I can knock this out.
Perfect.
Good plan.
Go forth and write, Jane.
ROGELIO: You can do it.
Roll.
Come on, Baby.
I believe in you.
Use your core.
Oh, good, you're home.
Hello.
How was dance class? Great.
I love teaching without the responsibility of running a studio.
How about you? Any progress with the roll? Not yet, but we're plugging away.
I, too, feel like I am living the dream.
Hon, are you okay? Of course.
So, you're not at all regretting your decision to stay at home with Baby? I am miserable, Xo.
All Baby does is sleep and poop and sleep and poop and sleep.
I thought being home with her would be fun and fulfilling.
But I'm bored and resentful.
And I'm a monster.
You are not a monster.
Being a stay-at-home parent is really hard.
So, do you think it's okay for me to call it? What? No.
You haven't given it a real shot.
But I'm miserable.
You just need some human contact, the adult kind.
You should join a parent group.
Are there celebrity ones? You don't need to be around celebrities.
Just normal parents who are feeling what you're feeling.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, Jane, just reinvent the book form.
No pages, no chapters, no words, but definitely a narrator.
Good idea.
Just free-associate.
Get loose.
Harsh.
Much better.
Petra is strong, determined, driven Insulted.
Flat-out insulted.
That's the only way to describe it.
âI strive to create a work environment that feels warm and communicativeâ? I would never say that.
It-it-it's too - Nice? - Nauseating! And frankly, I'm (SCOFFS) I'm feeling judged here.
I just softened it a bit to paint you in a better light to help sell the book.
Better light to whom? I hate this woman.
And I like myself, Jane.
I am really sorry.
I didn't mean to insult you.
I know.
Look, our friendship and family is really important to me.
Ah, me, too.
Then maybe we should protect that and I should find a different ghostwriter.
All right, let's just calm down for a bit.
I think that this is gonna work out just fine.
I mean, we've worked together for years at the Marbella.
That's true.
Right? This is just a new dynamic.
We just need to find our groove.
How long will that take? What? Finding our groove? - I mean, I don't know.
- Because running a hotel - It's not exactly a set thing, but I - is very time-consuming.
I have a million problems to solve, fires to put out.
That's what I wish you understood, Jane.
The-the rigors of my daily life.
(SLAPS DESK) You should shadow me.
Shadow you? Follow me around.
Really get inside my head.
That way, you-you could see how much I accomplish every day.
You'll gain respect for me because how could you not? And then you'll be able to write the book.
That sounds great.
It's gonna be a nightmare.
But you know what? I'm gonna suck it up because this could be a great way to make money writing - until inspiration strikes.
- Hey.
Are you ready for work? Hey, yeah.
Almost ready.
MATEO: Daddy, wait.
I need your help with my school project.
XIOMARA: Oh, how cute.
You're making a family tree at school.
Yes, but I couldn't think of anyone on Daddy's side except Auntie Petra.
I was adopted and both my parents passed away.
Remember? I'm sorry you never got to meet them.
NARRATOR: Really? One was a thief and the other was a serial killer.
I can give you their names.
Just don't Google them.
What about your real parents? You mean his biological parents.
Uh, actually, buddy, I don't know who they are.
Don't you want to know? Maybe they're pirates.
RAFAEL: Maybe, but I'm kind of happy with the way things are.
- But what if - And the good news is that your mommy's side of the family is so big and so filled with love that maybe you just focus on that, okay? We should get to work.
NARRATOR: And, friends, it should be noted that by âwork,â he meant their top secret date.
Well, hello there.
I'm Rafael.
Jane.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ooh, role-play as foreplay.
So, where are you from? I'm a local, actually, born and raised.
- What about you? - Well Here and there.
I don't really have deep roots.
Wait, is this about what Mateo said about your parents? Who's Mateo? Sorry.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Never mind.
I'm kind of a rolling stone.
- Okay, what? - Nothing.
Look, I'm happy about my decision not to find them.
You just don't seem happy.
Because you keep asking me about it.
Can I get a scotch, neat? Please don't judge.
I'm not.
Fine, I am a little, but not because of the scotch, but because you are shutting down and you do not want to engage.
That's right, Jane.
I don't.
(SIGHS) Should we do this another night? Yeah.
I have a big day tomorrow with Petra.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us to We are almost completely out of sea bass, Bob.
Already? Yes, and running out is unacceptable.
Jane, write down that that is unacceptable.
Look, I need a shipment no later than this afternoon, and if you can't do it, I'll switch vendors.
You don't think there are other fishmongers in town? Please, Ms.
Solano, I - Don't âpleaseâ me.
- I just I'm not the one who made the mistake.
Sorry to jump in, but I was in the kitchen earlier, and we do have one pallet of sea bass left.
So we should be good until tomorrow.
Thank you for your input, Jane.
I'll check on it and get back to you.
You're dismissed.
- Jane! - Hmm? The first two letters in shadow are shhh! I was just trying to help.
You weren't helping, you were interfering.
You think I don't know about that extra pallet back there? Then why did you threaten to fire him? To instill fear.
Employees need to worry they're going to lose their jobs.
Keeps them on their toes.
What? - Nothing.
- Oh, just say it.
Fine, since you said I was your moral compass.
I just think there are kinder ways to motivate your employees.
Interesting.
And how many successful businesses have you run? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, snap! Exactly.
Look, I can't have you shadow me if you're going to judge me the whole time.
Now I have to go.
Going to that parenting group was the best thing I could have done.
It was so helpful.
- Really? - Yes.
There was this mom who felt exactly like me.
She loved her son, but she didn't love taking care of him.
See, I told you, it's totally normal.
Yes.
I thought I was struggling because I went from being a famous person to a regular person, you know, but everything this mom said about postpartum depression rang true.
And then I realized I had it.
What? Postpartum depression.
You can't have postpartum depression.
Y-You didn't partum.
- Pardon? - You didn't give birth.
I know, Xiomara, but what this mom said, I felt the exact same way, so I Googled male postpartum depression during âWheels on the Bus,â and men can definitely have it, too.
That's ridiculous.
It has to do with hormone levels.
And I have hormones, too.
And this birth definitely affected them.
So I'm not going to suffer in silence.
PETRA: I don't understand.
You said if I cooperated with the police, then they would leave me alone.
Why do they want to question me again? Look, I'm surprised, too.
NARRATOR: It should be noted she was not surprised because this bitch was trying to frame Petra.
They used the blueprints to recreate the scene, and apparently, there were some screws missing from Anezka's balcony railing, which would suggest premeditation.
They think I killed her on purpose? Unfortunately, they're not ruling it out.
(STAMMERS) This is ridiculous.
Clearly, my sister or my mother, or some combination of the two were trying to kill me.
Then you say that in the interview.
Don't worry.
All you have to do is tell the truth.
RAFAEL: The truth is I overreacted last night, big-time.
And I'm sorry.
You were right.
No, look, I I was thrown, I-I shut down, I lashed out.
And I should have let it go, but (DOOR CLOSES) My grandma's coming.
- Um, rain check tomorrow after work? - Mm-hmm.
(GASPS) Wait, really? Who's Ronaldo? Her church crush.
And? What do you mean you think? Either he asked you or he didn't.
- - Abuela No.
Cancel it.
Uh I have plans tomorrow night.
What? Okay, I'll go.
PETRA: I have a lot of interesting observations because I'm a very perceptive person.
PETRA (OVER LAPTOP): I'll just make them up as we go, but definitely get across that I'm observant.
And I pick up on everything.
Wow, this voice memo thing is pretty great, actually.
I can communicate and not see you standing there, (LAUGHS): judging me with that judgy Jane face.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yup, that's the face.
- PETRA: Anyway - Oh uh, Petra made me voice memos because the shadow thing wasn't working.
Mm-hmm.
PETRA: So that's why lining up wallpaper precisely is important.
Now, why did I bring that up? I can't remember.
I've lost my train of thought.
Well, eh, you'll find it.
You have to demand what you want in this world.
You can't sit around and wait to be handed it.
Make big choices because, otherwise, Ellie, Anna is going to walk all over you.
ELLIE: Sorry, Mommy.
PETRA: Stop apologizing.
Go get your ice cream back from her.
(PETRA SPEAKING CZECH) Essentially, it means if you pat a snake with a bare foot, don't be surprised if someone poops in your shoe.
It may not translate.
Okay, okay.
PETRA: Forget I said that.
Oh, wow, I needed a break from that voice.
NARRATOR: Me, too.
PETRA: Well, I'm glad you're here.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, come on.
It was ridiculously easy for me to figure out.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, it's the real thing.
I really should be a detective.
What are you talking about? The screws on the Juliet balcony, they're called Mueller screws.
You can't just unscrew them with any old screwdriver.
You need a Mueller screwdriver.
The day Anezka died, a Mueller screwdriver was signed out and never returned.
And guess who signed it out? Go ahead, show her, Vinnie.
Your mother.
VINNIE: Yup.
I remember when she came in 'cause she was with the twins.
- What? - Yeah.
I remember 'cause I can never tell which one is which, and on that day, (FADING): I guessed right.
I was really relieved, actually.
(HEART BEATING) Petra? You okay? Yeah, fine.
I just need a minute.
(BEEP BREATHING) (DOOR OPENS) Sorry.
It's like it's all just hitting me.
My mother wanted me dead.
And who knows when she'll turn back up.
And I'm just so tired, honestly, of just having to always be on my guard.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) But I have to.
Because well, you heard.
She was with my daughters.
How did she get to my daughters? I'm sorry.
This isn't your problem.
Yes, it is.
And I'm gonna fix this.
Let's rehearse what you're gonna say to the police.
I thought you said we don't have to rehearse.
Yeah, well I changed my mind.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know, friends.
Straight out of a telenovela, right? Which brings us to (PHONE CHIMING RAPIDLY) Wow, I'm getting lots of replies.
Eh Not all of them are kind, but most aren't verified, so who cares, right? (PHONE CHIMES) (ROGELIO GASPS) Oh, my God.
Baby, I just got a reply from River Fields.
She's a major icon with legendary eyebrows.
(GIGGLING) Yes! This is big-league, Baby.
Let's see what she has to say.
You back off with the âmomsplaining,â River Fields.
(COOS) I agree with you, Baby.
She stinks.
(GIGGLES) XIOMARA: Hello, sexy lady.
Oh, that's right.
Have fun on your date, Jane.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yup.
He saves babies.
For a living.
Abuela Ooh, I want to see.
ALBA: Eh? Hello! Jane, he is fine.
Okay, stop.
(DOOR OPENS) Da, da, da! May I now present an announcement from Papa that will make everyone What's my line again? ROGELIO: âFaint.
â Faint! What? You are looking at a celebrity who has been invited on The Talk to debate River Fields on the topic of male postpartum depression.
Oh, no.
Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.
Rogelio, you can't.
I can, and I will.
Don't you remember what happened when she took down Tom Cruise? JANE: Yeah, Dad, she's an American sweetheart.
If something goes wrong, you can ruin your chance at having an American career.
Fine.
I'll pass.
(ALL SIGHING) (PHONE CHIMES) Oh, look.
River sent out another tweet.
What do I think about Rogelio de la Vega? Well, I, uh (CHUCKLES) I think he is a second-rate telenovela actor who's spreading ignorance online.
The guy needs to keep his mouth shut, stay in his lane.
XIOMARA: Rogelio Calm down.
No.
I will not calm down.
River Fields has no idea what awaits her on The Talk, because I am going on the show.
But I will not be talking.
I will be yelling! You have to stop leading with that, Abuelo.
I didn't think he was.
- So, should we order? - CHRIS: Sure.
Let me grab the waiter.
WAITER: So what can I get for you guys? ALBA: I'll have the salmon, thank you.
And I'll take the steak, medium rare.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC) And is the sauce on that spicy? A little, but we can put it on the side.
And actually, I think I'll do mashed potatoes instead of spinach.
Why not? WAITER: For you, sir? CHRIS: I'll take the chicken, please, with a side salad.
(GASPS) WAITER: Very good.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Move your head! WAITER: And for you? - ALBA: Jane? - Huh? Uh Oh, uh, um (CLEARS THROAT) I-I'll have the salmon.
(KEYS CLICKING) RAMOS (EXHALES): Deep breath.
They're just gonna ask the same questions over and over to try to find inconsistencies.
Just keep it simple.
You got this.
Just don't let them rattle you.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us to You were great.
Perfect, not rattled.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: True, for the record.
I'd show you, but it was pretty dry stuff.
Hopefully, we'll get a call that you're no longer a person of interest.
And then, we go our separate ways.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hmm.
Looks like someone's having trouble letting go.
Well, thank you, J.
R.
No problem.
Pete.
Did you just give my nickname a nickname? (PHONE VIBRATING) NARRATOR: Oh, no.
Another burner phone? Where did that come from? CHRIS: I thought they'd send me to jail.
For stealing communion wine? (LAUGHS) I was 12.
I had stolen the blood of Christ.
I was just hoping they wouldn't crucify me.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Huh? It looks like they're hitting it off, huh? That's why you're here, too, right? Oh, totally.
(PHONE VIBRATES) (PHONE VIBRATES) (PHONE VIBRATES) Do you need to check those? It could be your babysitter.
No, it's not.
RONALDO: Well, that was the best meal I've had in ages.
(LOUD CLATTERING) Huh? JANE: Will you excuse me? I need to go to the restroom.
What are you doing? You stopped returning my texts.
Are you seriously jealous? (STAMMERS) He was whispering in your ear.
About how our grandparents are having a good time.
Come on.
Where is this coming from? It's coming from the fact that I'll never be a Chris.
A Catholic doctor? Uncomplicated.
Light.
NARRATOR: I mean, way to generalize about Chris.
I don't want you to be a Chris.
I just want us to be able to communicate.
I want that, too.
But I'm worried that every time I get down about something, every time I want to have a drink, or I don't want to talk, you're gonna judge me.
I've been walking on eggshells around you.
Honestly, I've been walking on eggshells around you, too, trying not to be too judgy.
You're right.
I am.
Ah.
(ALBA AND RONALDO LAUGH) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: That's right, player.
Alba's moving on, too.
Right, Alba? Uh, Alba? Abuela? Are you sure you're okay? Okay.
Well, I'm gonna listen to Petra.
She sent two more hours of voice memos during dinner.
PETRA: You have to be aggressive, Jane.
No two ways about it.
(DISH BREAKS) ALBA: Oh, no.
Abuela, are you okay? Abuela, it's just a teacup.
Really? (SAD MUSIC) (CLICKS TONGUE) Why did you reject his proposal? I still don't totally understand what held you back.
(SIGHS) It's bigger in your mind.
Once you say it, it gets smaller.
Well It's like riding a bike.
That's ridiculous.
Yeah, you might be older, and you might feel different and look different, but you are not broken.
Okay, you know what? Come on.
Yes, you can, Abuela.
(LATIN MUSIC) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Am I the only one getting hungry? Well, to each his own.
(CHUCKLES) Trust me, they use these, too.
Now, I was doing a little research while you were driving, and it looks like, as you age, your vagina gets dry.
- Jane! - Lubricant is all I'm saying.
And what about this? (GASPS) (VIBRATING) It stimulates in two places.
Okay, okay.
We can go more basic.
Hmm? And hot pink.
Look, Abuela, it's on sale.
Well, then, I'm gonna buy it, because it's not embarrassing.
(JANE CLEARS THROAT) I'll take this one.
Okay.
But heads-up, it's not on sale anymore.
NARRATOR: And, friends, Jane's instinct was to accept this, but a little voice inside her said PETRA: Don't let him walk all over you, Jane.
That is not acceptable.
It was on the half-off rack, so I want it half off.
It must've been put there by mistake.
PETRA: He's just saying that because he thinks you're weak and soft.
There are half a dozen other vibrators exactly like this one on that rack.
So, you telling me they were all put there by mistake? Yup.
It was one big vibrator mistake.
No discount.
PETRA: âNoâ is only where you start negotiating.
If one of your employees put that on the wrong rack, you have a management problem.
And if you haven't changed the sign, that's your problem, and you should pay for it.
- Lady - Don't you âladyâ me.
If you don't give me that discount, this lady is gonna leave here and Yelp the crap out of this place.
And I'm a professional writer, so I can make you sound real bad.
Hmm.
Bart.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, and, you are going to comp me my grandma's lube.
(DOOR OPENS) You were right.
I know.
About what? It is important to be forceful and assertive in regards to business.
Which is why I need to tell you something.
These voice memos are not working.
This is not how you ghostwrite a book.
So you're saying we should call it quits? No, I'm saying you need to follow my lead.
Business is your area of expertise, writing is mine.
We'll set up twice-weekly two hour meetings, during which I will ask you focused questions, in which you will provide focused answers.
Starting today, right after my shift at 6:00.
Meet me at my penthouse.
Done.
Good talk.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, friends, that brings us to Our next two guests recently got into a very public spat about postpartum depression.
I know, interesting topic, right? Well, here's a father who claims he has it.
Please welcome Rogelio de la Vega.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you, Julie Chen.
And thank you for having me on your show to shine some much-needed celebrity light on this, uh, overlooked cause.
The cause being male postpartum depression? That is right, Sheryl Underwood, yes.
SHARON: All right, and on the other side of this debate, one of our dear, dear friends, noted actress, activist and all-around warrior woman.
Please welcome back River Fields.
Stop.
(APPLAUSE) Yes, yes, stop bowing, Sharon Osbourne.
So, uh, what's your take, River? Male postpartum depression is it a thing? No.
I mean, obviously, it's not.
Okay, it's not even close.
ROGELIO: Well, men's hormone levels drop, too.
I'm sure they do.
And-and I'm sure that you are feeling sad 'cause your life is changing.
But you don't get postpartum depression.
Well, I-I know it's not the same thing, you know, obviously, but it-it's the same cause.
I wonder, why are you being so resistant? (CHUCKLES) Why am I being resistant? Because you are yet another male co-opting the female experience.
You have everything.
Leave postpartum depression alone.
Am I right, ladies? Thank you.
(SOBBING) Are you okay? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Julie Chen.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but, you know 'Cause men are expected to be, like, so strong.
Well, unfortunately, that is all the time we have, but after the break, we'll welcome Dr.
Evan Antin with some amazing exotic animals.
That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
MAN: 30 seconds to live.
(LOW VOICE) Nice touch with the tears.
But don't mess with America's sweetheart, or I'll cut you like a knife.
MAN: And we're live.
Please welcome Dr.
Evan Antin and his friend Rajanya.
- Hi.
Thank you so much for having me.
- So, Doctor, Rajanya's endangered, right? - That's correct.
- You know, last year, in my role as Greenpeace Ambassador, I got to visit a wolf sanctuary.
It was such a moving experience.
This is not your segment, River.
No, let Dr.
Evan Antin have his moment.
EVAN: So, Rajanya responds really well to human commands, but we need to remain calm, because we don't want to excite him.
He might look like a little dog, but he's actually a ferocious wild animal.
Well, maybe he's just mad because he has male postpartum depression.
(ALL LAUGHING) You are as unfunny as you are untalented.
RIVER: Please.
I saw an episode of The Passions of Santos.
How many hours a day do you have to exercise to digest all the scenery that you chew? The Passions of Santos is the most watched telenovela in history, and I'm gonna bring it to the American audience very, very soon.
(GROWLING) Let's take a breath, shall we? EVAN: That's right.
Remember, we don't want to excite Rajanya.
At least I still have a career.
The last thing I saw you in was a deodorant commercial, and you stunk up my screen.
I killed that commercial, and you are just jealous because the only thing you get paid to endorse is some Japanese fart medicine! It's a laxative! (GROWLS) And it's highly efficient and respected - in the medical circles.
- Oh - Guys, seriously - How dare you.
- How dare you! - How dare you! - EVAN: Guys - ROGELIO: I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice.
I'm calling on my 14 million Twitter and Instagram followers.
Go online and attack her! (GROWLING) (RIVER SCREAMS) She hasn't heard from Dad yet.
I'm so sorry.
(TOY VIBRATING) Daddy, is that a vibrating hot dog? I am so sorry.
You said that you were embarrassed, so I slipped it into your purse last night.
I thought you saw.
Well, a part of you did, because you came with me to the store.
(SIGHS) Abuela, I get it.
It's uncomfortable for you to talk about it, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try it.
Is it? Or is that just what you grew up hearing in the church? That sex wasn't about pleasure? Because it should be.
And you deserve to be happy, Abuela, and in love.
But you're never gonna find that if you can't overcome this.
You can't just deny a whole part of who you are.
JANE: And I can't deny who I am, and you can't, either, or this relationship will never work.
So, yeah, I'm judgy.
(CHUCKLES) In fact, I told you I was judgy a few days after I met you.
I'm judgy.
You should know that about me.
You may end up having a really judgy kid.
And I shut down when things get hard.
Which I showed you pretty early, too.
I just wasn't in a talking mood.
And I'm definitely not in the mood for a lecture.
So it's part of who we are.
Ah and, this time, it's about finding out if that works.
So, on our next date, I want you to go as dark as you want, and I'm gonna get as judgy as I want, and then we're gonna have dark, judgmental sex.
I am so in.
And just to get a head start on that judginess I think you should look for your birth parents.
Because for the last three years, every time it comes up, you've reacted like this.
So, obviously, it's bothering you.
And as a person who was missing a parent for most of my life, I can tell you that that question doesn't go away.
ROGELIO: This is never going to go away.
Over five million views.
River lost one toe.
One! She has nine more.
I told you not to take her on.
(RINGTONE PLAYING) It's my agent.
Talk to me, Barry.
Yes, yes, but it's not like how it looked.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
I understand.
Bye.
What'd he say? The studio just offered to green-light the American version of Santos.
What? If I can get River Fields to costar with me.
It seems that our chemistry was electric on The Talk.
How can you even talk on this thing? I'm a multitasker.
Always have been.
This way, I get to test the machines, meet with you, and get my cardio out of the way all at once.
- Any more questions? - (OUT OF BREATH) Uh, just a few last ones.
Uh, ironing out timelines.
Whoa (CLEARS THROAT) - Uh, you came to Miami in 2007? - Exactly.
- But do not print my age.
- Okay.
Oh, good, we're done stepping.
Ah whew! No, we're not done.
We're just switching.
- Huh? - Hotel's buying 20 of these.
I want to get the right one.
But isn't it exhausting? You just have to build up your stamina.
Let's wrap it up; I have to review purchase orders.
I mean being the boss and making the decisions all the time.
Being in charge comes very naturally to me.
I know, uh, but, I mean, is there anywhere you can, you know, relax? All right, off the record Uh-huh.
Sex.
I let go in bed.
I like to submit.
To be dominated.
That's why Rafael and I got along so well.
Oh, okay.
Cool.
He's a beast under the covers.
(CHUCKLES) - Or out of the covers.
- Mm.
I mean, that man really knows how to please a woman.
Wow, that's fantastic.
Okay, yeah, we're good here.
I have to I'm gonna I'm gonna go write.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us to Can we have sex already? I'm ready right now.
Let's do it.
Sure.
Right after the cable is installed.
I'm gonna hop in the shower.
I-I just worked out.
HBO part of the package? Cool, cool.
I mean, I love a LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Don't say it, Jane.
Full package.
(LIGHT MUSIC) J.
R.
I wasn't expecting you.
Sorry, I'm I'm not dressed.
I have an update from the D.
A.
Looks like I got you off.
Really? (TENSION BUILDING) Yeah.
In the dark, in the night Senses wake, I'm alive Now I'm really gonna get you off.
Too deep (GASPS) It's unclear which one here LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Whoa, that's one kind of sexual awakening.
When the hunger takes over me (TOY VIBRATING) Got my finger on the trigger And my target set on you LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And this is another.
Set it off, I get off, yeah, yeah I am coming for you LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know, steamy stuff.
When my hands are on you Cable guy's gone.
I'm coming for you And you, and you, and you And you, and you and you, and you And you, too, and you, too LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Come on, I can't show you everything.
We're not on HBO.
And you, too.
(JANE MOANS) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And one last thing, friends.
Petra, too, is about to get screwed.
I hope you can keep your mouth shut, because Jane and Rafael are secretly exploring their feelings for each other.
Also keeping a secret? Petra's lawyer, Jane Ramos, AKA J.
R.
See, she's working with some shady figures to get Petra thrown in jail.
Straight out of a telenovela, right? Well, imagine this.
Jane's father put his career on hold to focus on being a stay-at-home dad to his baby, Baby.
Only that turned out to be boring, boring.
Also stuck? Our Jane.
See, she had writer's block.
And to make matters worse, Petra got herself a book deal.
Okay! (LAUGHS) And then this happened.
Jane, will you ghostwrite my book? And speaking of complicated coworkers, Alba is still working with Jorge, after she rejected his marriage proposal.
No.
And so, he moved on, leaving our abuela single and ready to mingle.
So, open the sunroof, 'cause it's about to get hot in here.
Friends, Jane's Gloriana Villanueva's sexual evolution went through many stages.
Fear.
(MOANS) We should stop! Denial.
Temptation.
I'm fine! I really want to do this.
I'm Negotiation.
Wow.
How do you feel? Good.
I feel good.
Acceptance.
Liberation.
And, finally (MOANING) Let me just put the seat down.
Car sex.
(MOANING) No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't want to do this.
Are you insane? We can't have sex for the first time in a car.
(LAUGHS): Oh Mwah! - Sure, we can.
- No.
Oh, hey.
No, no, no, no.
(GIGGLING) No way.
Not after how judgy you were about that kiss.
(SCOFFS) I need my full range of motion.
Mm.
Mm! (PANTS) (SIGHS) JANE: Okay, so let's go upstairs - to your apartment.
- The girls will be here in 15 minutes.
And we don't have to rush this.
The whole point of dating in secret is to see if we can be a normal couple.
So I'm taking you out first.
On a date.
Oh.
So romantic.
Make it a short date.
(MOANS) Let me see your dating profile! Oh, come on.
Let me see what you got.
(GROANS) Okay, that's a good start.
It's a little rigid.
Clergymen and monks? Because that's what you're gonna get with this profile.
(SIGHS) Fine.
Then look around and make a move.
Or I'm gonna change that profile and I'm gonna describe you as âfun-lovingâ" Abuela, when we sell this, I can quit the lounge.
Plus, it'll give me a nice break from having to think of overly-complicated, soapy, romantic plots.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Tell me about it.
Book templates.
I want to see what Petra responds to.
Hmm? Unfortunately, I didn't respond to any of this.
But that's okay because how are we supposed to know what we like if we don't know what we hate? Right.
Glad I can help with that.
I don't want to be derivative.
I want to create my own brand.
I mean, I can't relate to Martha Stewart, Chrissy Teigen or Bethenny Frankel.
I'm a businesswoman, not some celebrity who's had their name slapped on a business.
NARRATOR: Hey, back off Chrissy Teigen.
She's a literal legend.
I built this hotel from the ground up.
I want this book to reflect how hard I've worked.
Hey! Those StairMasters should obviously be facing the windows.
Sorry.
Uh, you didn't specify.
Yeah, I also didn't specifically say not to put them upside down.
It's common sense.
We're renovating the gym.
I test everything myself before I put it in the hotel.
I'm that thorough.
See, that's the kind of stuff the book should be about.
Yeah, got it.
That sounds great.
I just need to know the template so I know what kind of book I'm writing.
I am the template.
Think outside the box for this book.
Maybe maybe it's not even a regular book? Maybe it's in the shape of me? Or the hotel? Got it.
You know, we can decide the shape of the book later.
For now, we need to submit a proposal.
So, would you say it's more a autobiography? Or, uh, would it be more a lifestyle book? Or a collection of stories? Or all three woven together? Okay, but what category would it fall into, like, the most? Let's not categorize.
Does it have pictures or no pictures? Don't condescend, Jane.
Of course it has pictures with my new haircut.
Look, I'm sorry.
(SIGHS) I really want this to be a happy collaboration.
So do I, honestly.
And I love your haircut.
You know, we're just getting tripped up on hypotheticals.
Let me work on the proposal.
I worked for a publisher.
I can knock this out.
Perfect.
Good plan.
Go forth and write, Jane.
ROGELIO: You can do it.
Roll.
Come on, Baby.
I believe in you.
Use your core.
Oh, good, you're home.
Hello.
How was dance class? Great.
I love teaching without the responsibility of running a studio.
How about you? Any progress with the roll? Not yet, but we're plugging away.
I, too, feel like I am living the dream.
Hon, are you okay? Of course.
So, you're not at all regretting your decision to stay at home with Baby? I am miserable, Xo.
All Baby does is sleep and poop and sleep and poop and sleep.
I thought being home with her would be fun and fulfilling.
But I'm bored and resentful.
And I'm a monster.
You are not a monster.
Being a stay-at-home parent is really hard.
So, do you think it's okay for me to call it? What? No.
You haven't given it a real shot.
But I'm miserable.
You just need some human contact, the adult kind.
You should join a parent group.
Are there celebrity ones? You don't need to be around celebrities.
Just normal parents who are feeling what you're feeling.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, Jane, just reinvent the book form.
No pages, no chapters, no words, but definitely a narrator.
Good idea.
Just free-associate.
Get loose.
Harsh.
Much better.
Petra is strong, determined, driven Insulted.
Flat-out insulted.
That's the only way to describe it.
âI strive to create a work environment that feels warm and communicativeâ? I would never say that.
It-it-it's too - Nice? - Nauseating! And frankly, I'm (SCOFFS) I'm feeling judged here.
I just softened it a bit to paint you in a better light to help sell the book.
Better light to whom? I hate this woman.
And I like myself, Jane.
I am really sorry.
I didn't mean to insult you.
I know.
Look, our friendship and family is really important to me.
Ah, me, too.
Then maybe we should protect that and I should find a different ghostwriter.
All right, let's just calm down for a bit.
I think that this is gonna work out just fine.
I mean, we've worked together for years at the Marbella.
That's true.
Right? This is just a new dynamic.
We just need to find our groove.
How long will that take? What? Finding our groove? - I mean, I don't know.
- Because running a hotel - It's not exactly a set thing, but I - is very time-consuming.
I have a million problems to solve, fires to put out.
That's what I wish you understood, Jane.
The-the rigors of my daily life.
(SLAPS DESK) You should shadow me.
Shadow you? Follow me around.
Really get inside my head.
That way, you-you could see how much I accomplish every day.
You'll gain respect for me because how could you not? And then you'll be able to write the book.
That sounds great.
It's gonna be a nightmare.
But you know what? I'm gonna suck it up because this could be a great way to make money writing - until inspiration strikes.
- Hey.
Are you ready for work? Hey, yeah.
Almost ready.
MATEO: Daddy, wait.
I need your help with my school project.
XIOMARA: Oh, how cute.
You're making a family tree at school.
Yes, but I couldn't think of anyone on Daddy's side except Auntie Petra.
I was adopted and both my parents passed away.
Remember? I'm sorry you never got to meet them.
NARRATOR: Really? One was a thief and the other was a serial killer.
I can give you their names.
Just don't Google them.
What about your real parents? You mean his biological parents.
Uh, actually, buddy, I don't know who they are.
Don't you want to know? Maybe they're pirates.
RAFAEL: Maybe, but I'm kind of happy with the way things are.
- But what if - And the good news is that your mommy's side of the family is so big and so filled with love that maybe you just focus on that, okay? We should get to work.
NARRATOR: And, friends, it should be noted that by âwork,â he meant their top secret date.
Well, hello there.
I'm Rafael.
Jane.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ooh, role-play as foreplay.
So, where are you from? I'm a local, actually, born and raised.
- What about you? - Well Here and there.
I don't really have deep roots.
Wait, is this about what Mateo said about your parents? Who's Mateo? Sorry.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Never mind.
I'm kind of a rolling stone.
- Okay, what? - Nothing.
Look, I'm happy about my decision not to find them.
You just don't seem happy.
Because you keep asking me about it.
Can I get a scotch, neat? Please don't judge.
I'm not.
Fine, I am a little, but not because of the scotch, but because you are shutting down and you do not want to engage.
That's right, Jane.
I don't.
(SIGHS) Should we do this another night? Yeah.
I have a big day tomorrow with Petra.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us to We are almost completely out of sea bass, Bob.
Already? Yes, and running out is unacceptable.
Jane, write down that that is unacceptable.
Look, I need a shipment no later than this afternoon, and if you can't do it, I'll switch vendors.
You don't think there are other fishmongers in town? Please, Ms.
Solano, I - Don't âpleaseâ me.
- I just I'm not the one who made the mistake.
Sorry to jump in, but I was in the kitchen earlier, and we do have one pallet of sea bass left.
So we should be good until tomorrow.
Thank you for your input, Jane.
I'll check on it and get back to you.
You're dismissed.
- Jane! - Hmm? The first two letters in shadow are shhh! I was just trying to help.
You weren't helping, you were interfering.
You think I don't know about that extra pallet back there? Then why did you threaten to fire him? To instill fear.
Employees need to worry they're going to lose their jobs.
Keeps them on their toes.
What? - Nothing.
- Oh, just say it.
Fine, since you said I was your moral compass.
I just think there are kinder ways to motivate your employees.
Interesting.
And how many successful businesses have you run? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, snap! Exactly.
Look, I can't have you shadow me if you're going to judge me the whole time.
Now I have to go.
Going to that parenting group was the best thing I could have done.
It was so helpful.
- Really? - Yes.
There was this mom who felt exactly like me.
She loved her son, but she didn't love taking care of him.
See, I told you, it's totally normal.
Yes.
I thought I was struggling because I went from being a famous person to a regular person, you know, but everything this mom said about postpartum depression rang true.
And then I realized I had it.
What? Postpartum depression.
You can't have postpartum depression.
Y-You didn't partum.
- Pardon? - You didn't give birth.
I know, Xiomara, but what this mom said, I felt the exact same way, so I Googled male postpartum depression during âWheels on the Bus,â and men can definitely have it, too.
That's ridiculous.
It has to do with hormone levels.
And I have hormones, too.
And this birth definitely affected them.
So I'm not going to suffer in silence.
PETRA: I don't understand.
You said if I cooperated with the police, then they would leave me alone.
Why do they want to question me again? Look, I'm surprised, too.
NARRATOR: It should be noted she was not surprised because this bitch was trying to frame Petra.
They used the blueprints to recreate the scene, and apparently, there were some screws missing from Anezka's balcony railing, which would suggest premeditation.
They think I killed her on purpose? Unfortunately, they're not ruling it out.
(STAMMERS) This is ridiculous.
Clearly, my sister or my mother, or some combination of the two were trying to kill me.
Then you say that in the interview.
Don't worry.
All you have to do is tell the truth.
RAFAEL: The truth is I overreacted last night, big-time.
And I'm sorry.
You were right.
No, look, I I was thrown, I-I shut down, I lashed out.
And I should have let it go, but (DOOR CLOSES) My grandma's coming.
- Um, rain check tomorrow after work? - Mm-hmm.
(GASPS) Wait, really? Who's Ronaldo? Her church crush.
And? What do you mean you think? Either he asked you or he didn't.
- - Abuela No.
Cancel it.
Uh I have plans tomorrow night.
What? Okay, I'll go.
PETRA: I have a lot of interesting observations because I'm a very perceptive person.
PETRA (OVER LAPTOP): I'll just make them up as we go, but definitely get across that I'm observant.
And I pick up on everything.
Wow, this voice memo thing is pretty great, actually.
I can communicate and not see you standing there, (LAUGHS): judging me with that judgy Jane face.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yup, that's the face.
- PETRA: Anyway - Oh uh, Petra made me voice memos because the shadow thing wasn't working.
Mm-hmm.
PETRA: So that's why lining up wallpaper precisely is important.
Now, why did I bring that up? I can't remember.
I've lost my train of thought.
Well, eh, you'll find it.
You have to demand what you want in this world.
You can't sit around and wait to be handed it.
Make big choices because, otherwise, Ellie, Anna is going to walk all over you.
ELLIE: Sorry, Mommy.
PETRA: Stop apologizing.
Go get your ice cream back from her.
(PETRA SPEAKING CZECH) Essentially, it means if you pat a snake with a bare foot, don't be surprised if someone poops in your shoe.
It may not translate.
Okay, okay.
PETRA: Forget I said that.
Oh, wow, I needed a break from that voice.
NARRATOR: Me, too.
PETRA: Well, I'm glad you're here.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, come on.
It was ridiculously easy for me to figure out.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, it's the real thing.
I really should be a detective.
What are you talking about? The screws on the Juliet balcony, they're called Mueller screws.
You can't just unscrew them with any old screwdriver.
You need a Mueller screwdriver.
The day Anezka died, a Mueller screwdriver was signed out and never returned.
And guess who signed it out? Go ahead, show her, Vinnie.
Your mother.
VINNIE: Yup.
I remember when she came in 'cause she was with the twins.
- What? - Yeah.
I remember 'cause I can never tell which one is which, and on that day, (FADING): I guessed right.
I was really relieved, actually.
(HEART BEATING) Petra? You okay? Yeah, fine.
I just need a minute.
(BEEP BREATHING) (DOOR OPENS) Sorry.
It's like it's all just hitting me.
My mother wanted me dead.
And who knows when she'll turn back up.
And I'm just so tired, honestly, of just having to always be on my guard.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) But I have to.
Because well, you heard.
She was with my daughters.
How did she get to my daughters? I'm sorry.
This isn't your problem.
Yes, it is.
And I'm gonna fix this.
Let's rehearse what you're gonna say to the police.
I thought you said we don't have to rehearse.
Yeah, well I changed my mind.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know, friends.
Straight out of a telenovela, right? Which brings us to (PHONE CHIMING RAPIDLY) Wow, I'm getting lots of replies.
Eh Not all of them are kind, but most aren't verified, so who cares, right? (PHONE CHIMES) (ROGELIO GASPS) Oh, my God.
Baby, I just got a reply from River Fields.
She's a major icon with legendary eyebrows.
(GIGGLING) Yes! This is big-league, Baby.
Let's see what she has to say.
You back off with the âmomsplaining,â River Fields.
(COOS) I agree with you, Baby.
She stinks.
(GIGGLES) XIOMARA: Hello, sexy lady.
Oh, that's right.
Have fun on your date, Jane.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yup.
He saves babies.
For a living.
Abuela Ooh, I want to see.
ALBA: Eh? Hello! Jane, he is fine.
Okay, stop.
(DOOR OPENS) Da, da, da! May I now present an announcement from Papa that will make everyone What's my line again? ROGELIO: âFaint.
â Faint! What? You are looking at a celebrity who has been invited on The Talk to debate River Fields on the topic of male postpartum depression.
Oh, no.
Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.
Rogelio, you can't.
I can, and I will.
Don't you remember what happened when she took down Tom Cruise? JANE: Yeah, Dad, she's an American sweetheart.
If something goes wrong, you can ruin your chance at having an American career.
Fine.
I'll pass.
(ALL SIGHING) (PHONE CHIMES) Oh, look.
River sent out another tweet.
What do I think about Rogelio de la Vega? Well, I, uh (CHUCKLES) I think he is a second-rate telenovela actor who's spreading ignorance online.
The guy needs to keep his mouth shut, stay in his lane.
XIOMARA: Rogelio Calm down.
No.
I will not calm down.
River Fields has no idea what awaits her on The Talk, because I am going on the show.
But I will not be talking.
I will be yelling! You have to stop leading with that, Abuelo.
I didn't think he was.
- So, should we order? - CHRIS: Sure.
Let me grab the waiter.
WAITER: So what can I get for you guys? ALBA: I'll have the salmon, thank you.
And I'll take the steak, medium rare.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC) And is the sauce on that spicy? A little, but we can put it on the side.
And actually, I think I'll do mashed potatoes instead of spinach.
Why not? WAITER: For you, sir? CHRIS: I'll take the chicken, please, with a side salad.
(GASPS) WAITER: Very good.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Move your head! WAITER: And for you? - ALBA: Jane? - Huh? Uh Oh, uh, um (CLEARS THROAT) I-I'll have the salmon.
(KEYS CLICKING) RAMOS (EXHALES): Deep breath.
They're just gonna ask the same questions over and over to try to find inconsistencies.
Just keep it simple.
You got this.
Just don't let them rattle you.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us to You were great.
Perfect, not rattled.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: True, for the record.
I'd show you, but it was pretty dry stuff.
Hopefully, we'll get a call that you're no longer a person of interest.
And then, we go our separate ways.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hmm.
Looks like someone's having trouble letting go.
Well, thank you, J.
R.
No problem.
Pete.
Did you just give my nickname a nickname? (PHONE VIBRATING) NARRATOR: Oh, no.
Another burner phone? Where did that come from? CHRIS: I thought they'd send me to jail.
For stealing communion wine? (LAUGHS) I was 12.
I had stolen the blood of Christ.
I was just hoping they wouldn't crucify me.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Huh? It looks like they're hitting it off, huh? That's why you're here, too, right? Oh, totally.
(PHONE VIBRATES) (PHONE VIBRATES) (PHONE VIBRATES) Do you need to check those? It could be your babysitter.
No, it's not.
RONALDO: Well, that was the best meal I've had in ages.
(LOUD CLATTERING) Huh? JANE: Will you excuse me? I need to go to the restroom.
What are you doing? You stopped returning my texts.
Are you seriously jealous? (STAMMERS) He was whispering in your ear.
About how our grandparents are having a good time.
Come on.
Where is this coming from? It's coming from the fact that I'll never be a Chris.
A Catholic doctor? Uncomplicated.
Light.
NARRATOR: I mean, way to generalize about Chris.
I don't want you to be a Chris.
I just want us to be able to communicate.
I want that, too.
But I'm worried that every time I get down about something, every time I want to have a drink, or I don't want to talk, you're gonna judge me.
I've been walking on eggshells around you.
Honestly, I've been walking on eggshells around you, too, trying not to be too judgy.
You're right.
I am.
Ah.
(ALBA AND RONALDO LAUGH) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: That's right, player.
Alba's moving on, too.
Right, Alba? Uh, Alba? Abuela? Are you sure you're okay? Okay.
Well, I'm gonna listen to Petra.
She sent two more hours of voice memos during dinner.
PETRA: You have to be aggressive, Jane.
No two ways about it.
(DISH BREAKS) ALBA: Oh, no.
Abuela, are you okay? Abuela, it's just a teacup.
Really? (SAD MUSIC) (CLICKS TONGUE) Why did you reject his proposal? I still don't totally understand what held you back.
(SIGHS) It's bigger in your mind.
Once you say it, it gets smaller.
Well It's like riding a bike.
That's ridiculous.
Yeah, you might be older, and you might feel different and look different, but you are not broken.
Okay, you know what? Come on.
Yes, you can, Abuela.
(LATIN MUSIC) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Am I the only one getting hungry? Well, to each his own.
(CHUCKLES) Trust me, they use these, too.
Now, I was doing a little research while you were driving, and it looks like, as you age, your vagina gets dry.
- Jane! - Lubricant is all I'm saying.
And what about this? (GASPS) (VIBRATING) It stimulates in two places.
Okay, okay.
We can go more basic.
Hmm? And hot pink.
Look, Abuela, it's on sale.
Well, then, I'm gonna buy it, because it's not embarrassing.
(JANE CLEARS THROAT) I'll take this one.
Okay.
But heads-up, it's not on sale anymore.
NARRATOR: And, friends, Jane's instinct was to accept this, but a little voice inside her said PETRA: Don't let him walk all over you, Jane.
That is not acceptable.
It was on the half-off rack, so I want it half off.
It must've been put there by mistake.
PETRA: He's just saying that because he thinks you're weak and soft.
There are half a dozen other vibrators exactly like this one on that rack.
So, you telling me they were all put there by mistake? Yup.
It was one big vibrator mistake.
No discount.
PETRA: âNoâ is only where you start negotiating.
If one of your employees put that on the wrong rack, you have a management problem.
And if you haven't changed the sign, that's your problem, and you should pay for it.
- Lady - Don't you âladyâ me.
If you don't give me that discount, this lady is gonna leave here and Yelp the crap out of this place.
And I'm a professional writer, so I can make you sound real bad.
Hmm.
Bart.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, and, you are going to comp me my grandma's lube.
(DOOR OPENS) You were right.
I know.
About what? It is important to be forceful and assertive in regards to business.
Which is why I need to tell you something.
These voice memos are not working.
This is not how you ghostwrite a book.
So you're saying we should call it quits? No, I'm saying you need to follow my lead.
Business is your area of expertise, writing is mine.
We'll set up twice-weekly two hour meetings, during which I will ask you focused questions, in which you will provide focused answers.
Starting today, right after my shift at 6:00.
Meet me at my penthouse.
Done.
Good talk.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, friends, that brings us to Our next two guests recently got into a very public spat about postpartum depression.
I know, interesting topic, right? Well, here's a father who claims he has it.
Please welcome Rogelio de la Vega.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you, Julie Chen.
And thank you for having me on your show to shine some much-needed celebrity light on this, uh, overlooked cause.
The cause being male postpartum depression? That is right, Sheryl Underwood, yes.
SHARON: All right, and on the other side of this debate, one of our dear, dear friends, noted actress, activist and all-around warrior woman.
Please welcome back River Fields.
Stop.
(APPLAUSE) Yes, yes, stop bowing, Sharon Osbourne.
So, uh, what's your take, River? Male postpartum depression is it a thing? No.
I mean, obviously, it's not.
Okay, it's not even close.
ROGELIO: Well, men's hormone levels drop, too.
I'm sure they do.
And-and I'm sure that you are feeling sad 'cause your life is changing.
But you don't get postpartum depression.
Well, I-I know it's not the same thing, you know, obviously, but it-it's the same cause.
I wonder, why are you being so resistant? (CHUCKLES) Why am I being resistant? Because you are yet another male co-opting the female experience.
You have everything.
Leave postpartum depression alone.
Am I right, ladies? Thank you.
(SOBBING) Are you okay? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Julie Chen.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but, you know 'Cause men are expected to be, like, so strong.
Well, unfortunately, that is all the time we have, but after the break, we'll welcome Dr.
Evan Antin with some amazing exotic animals.
That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
MAN: 30 seconds to live.
(LOW VOICE) Nice touch with the tears.
But don't mess with America's sweetheart, or I'll cut you like a knife.
MAN: And we're live.
Please welcome Dr.
Evan Antin and his friend Rajanya.
- Hi.
Thank you so much for having me.
- So, Doctor, Rajanya's endangered, right? - That's correct.
- You know, last year, in my role as Greenpeace Ambassador, I got to visit a wolf sanctuary.
It was such a moving experience.
This is not your segment, River.
No, let Dr.
Evan Antin have his moment.
EVAN: So, Rajanya responds really well to human commands, but we need to remain calm, because we don't want to excite him.
He might look like a little dog, but he's actually a ferocious wild animal.
Well, maybe he's just mad because he has male postpartum depression.
(ALL LAUGHING) You are as unfunny as you are untalented.
RIVER: Please.
I saw an episode of The Passions of Santos.
How many hours a day do you have to exercise to digest all the scenery that you chew? The Passions of Santos is the most watched telenovela in history, and I'm gonna bring it to the American audience very, very soon.
(GROWLING) Let's take a breath, shall we? EVAN: That's right.
Remember, we don't want to excite Rajanya.
At least I still have a career.
The last thing I saw you in was a deodorant commercial, and you stunk up my screen.
I killed that commercial, and you are just jealous because the only thing you get paid to endorse is some Japanese fart medicine! It's a laxative! (GROWLS) And it's highly efficient and respected - in the medical circles.
- Oh - Guys, seriously - How dare you.
- How dare you! - How dare you! - EVAN: Guys - ROGELIO: I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice.
I'm calling on my 14 million Twitter and Instagram followers.
Go online and attack her! (GROWLING) (RIVER SCREAMS) She hasn't heard from Dad yet.
I'm so sorry.
(TOY VIBRATING) Daddy, is that a vibrating hot dog? I am so sorry.
You said that you were embarrassed, so I slipped it into your purse last night.
I thought you saw.
Well, a part of you did, because you came with me to the store.
(SIGHS) Abuela, I get it.
It's uncomfortable for you to talk about it, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try it.
Is it? Or is that just what you grew up hearing in the church? That sex wasn't about pleasure? Because it should be.
And you deserve to be happy, Abuela, and in love.
But you're never gonna find that if you can't overcome this.
You can't just deny a whole part of who you are.
JANE: And I can't deny who I am, and you can't, either, or this relationship will never work.
So, yeah, I'm judgy.
(CHUCKLES) In fact, I told you I was judgy a few days after I met you.
I'm judgy.
You should know that about me.
You may end up having a really judgy kid.
And I shut down when things get hard.
Which I showed you pretty early, too.
I just wasn't in a talking mood.
And I'm definitely not in the mood for a lecture.
So it's part of who we are.
Ah and, this time, it's about finding out if that works.
So, on our next date, I want you to go as dark as you want, and I'm gonna get as judgy as I want, and then we're gonna have dark, judgmental sex.
I am so in.
And just to get a head start on that judginess I think you should look for your birth parents.
Because for the last three years, every time it comes up, you've reacted like this.
So, obviously, it's bothering you.
And as a person who was missing a parent for most of my life, I can tell you that that question doesn't go away.
ROGELIO: This is never going to go away.
Over five million views.
River lost one toe.
One! She has nine more.
I told you not to take her on.
(RINGTONE PLAYING) It's my agent.
Talk to me, Barry.
Yes, yes, but it's not like how it looked.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
I understand.
Bye.
What'd he say? The studio just offered to green-light the American version of Santos.
What? If I can get River Fields to costar with me.
It seems that our chemistry was electric on The Talk.
How can you even talk on this thing? I'm a multitasker.
Always have been.
This way, I get to test the machines, meet with you, and get my cardio out of the way all at once.
- Any more questions? - (OUT OF BREATH) Uh, just a few last ones.
Uh, ironing out timelines.
Whoa (CLEARS THROAT) - Uh, you came to Miami in 2007? - Exactly.
- But do not print my age.
- Okay.
Oh, good, we're done stepping.
Ah whew! No, we're not done.
We're just switching.
- Huh? - Hotel's buying 20 of these.
I want to get the right one.
But isn't it exhausting? You just have to build up your stamina.
Let's wrap it up; I have to review purchase orders.
I mean being the boss and making the decisions all the time.
Being in charge comes very naturally to me.
I know, uh, but, I mean, is there anywhere you can, you know, relax? All right, off the record Uh-huh.
Sex.
I let go in bed.
I like to submit.
To be dominated.
That's why Rafael and I got along so well.
Oh, okay.
Cool.
He's a beast under the covers.
(CHUCKLES) - Or out of the covers.
- Mm.
I mean, that man really knows how to please a woman.
Wow, that's fantastic.
Okay, yeah, we're good here.
I have to I'm gonna I'm gonna go write.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us to Can we have sex already? I'm ready right now.
Let's do it.
Sure.
Right after the cable is installed.
I'm gonna hop in the shower.
I-I just worked out.
HBO part of the package? Cool, cool.
I mean, I love a LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Don't say it, Jane.
Full package.
(LIGHT MUSIC) J.
R.
I wasn't expecting you.
Sorry, I'm I'm not dressed.
I have an update from the D.
A.
Looks like I got you off.
Really? (TENSION BUILDING) Yeah.
In the dark, in the night Senses wake, I'm alive Now I'm really gonna get you off.
Too deep (GASPS) It's unclear which one here LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Whoa, that's one kind of sexual awakening.
When the hunger takes over me (TOY VIBRATING) Got my finger on the trigger And my target set on you LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And this is another.
Set it off, I get off, yeah, yeah I am coming for you LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know, steamy stuff.
When my hands are on you Cable guy's gone.
I'm coming for you And you, and you, and you And you, and you and you, and you And you, too, and you, too LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Come on, I can't show you everything.
We're not on HBO.
And you, too.
(JANE MOANS) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And one last thing, friends.
Petra, too, is about to get screwed.