Key and Peele (2012) s04e10 Episode Script

Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure and an honor to meet you and your-- your people.
The U.
S.
Government supports you in every possible way.
Ideologically, of course.
However, we cannot offer any military aid at this time.
With all due respect, Ambassador, we need more than that.
We are dealing with terrorism on a daily basis.
Oh, that's so unfortunate.
Warlords overrun villages.
Yes, that's regrettable.
Rapes, tortures, all manner of human atrocity.
That's really sad, but the U.
S.
Military is simply spread too thin.
We can't afford another intervention at this time.
But what we could use your help with really is protecting our vulnerable, plentiful, and newly-discovered oil reserves.
Oil? Excuse me one second.
Operation Golden Eagle is a go.
Welcome to democracy.
Uh, we also have natural gasses! Oh, yes, a lot.
Lots of it.
How's your back doing? Your back okay? You need to get an adjustment from the chiropracticals? Oh, can you do-- can you do chiro-- can you do chiropractor? Just get this.
Get this.
- Just relax it? - Yeah, relax it.
Give it to me and let me do the work.
It's nice to be able to just relax my arm, but I don't know that I feel the-- Whoa, whoa, - whoa, whoa, what? - What happened? What? I wasn't doing-- What, what? - You made me touch your dick.
- No, I didn't.
- It scuffed your crotch, man.
- You didn't come in-- Your fingers did not touch my crotch.
No, it touched something down there, man.
You didn't get anywhere near my crotch.
We have to agree it was a Ouija board situation.
- It was a Ouija board situation.
- It was-- No, No, it was a "Jordan board" situation.
I wake up next to this guy, and as usual I don't even know his name.
I'm trying to get dressed quickly and get out of there before he wakes up, but I can't find my underwear.
I look everywhere, but I just can't find them, and then it hits me.
I had left them at another guy's apartment earlier that night, and that's when I knew I had a problem.
Thanks for sharing, Scotty.
Well, I notice a lot of new faces this evening, and I'm so glad you all came, and I want you to know that this is a safe place to share.
So if you want to tell us your story, there'll be no judgment.
Sure, I'll go.
Hi, y'all.
Name's Wendell, and I am in fact a sexual addict.
Hi, Wendell.
And what brings you here, Wendell? Well, you know, my life, sexually speaking, is crazy, and I just want to find one single solitary person to spend the rest of my life with.
Just one, just one.
So do you feel like your addiction is too much to handle right now? Duh.
I mean, it's been crazy, y'all.
With me, the nastier the better.
I'm a dirty dog.
Try everything, all the fixings.
Tantric, much like Sting.
All the bells and whistles.
You name it, I've donst it.
And when would you say you hit rock bottom, Wendell? When it got slippery outside my shower, on the floor outside my shower.
Oh.
I hit rock bottom sexually-- Oh, it was probably last night, last night.
Do you think that you could tell us what happened, Wendell? Yeah, let's see.
It was just like any other night.
I had ordered a large pie, pepperoni, pineapple, cheesy crust, some cheesy bread on the side.
Cut to 30 "min" later, Pizza Parlor sent over a delicious lady delivery person.
Body ten, face ten.
That's my weakness.
So I invited her inside, opened up the box.
It was hot.
Devoured the first slice lickety-split, crust first.
Second slice didn't stand a chance.
Ate the tip of that bitch first, washed it down with a pop.
Then I got nasty with the cheesy bread.
My heart started pounding harder than usual, ker-slunk, ker-slunk.
- Moved on to the third slice-- - What-- What-- What about the girl? What girl? Oh, the girl.
Yeah, she was there too.
I invited her into my boudoir, aka "the stabbin' cabin.
" We disrobed one another.
I touched her on her genitalia.
She touched me on my man-italia, and that's when I hit it.
Sexually, of course, Upstairs, downstairs, all around the town stairs, as you do, and by then it was just another night, and I mean oil everywhere, and sauce all over me.
S-Sauce? Oh, yeah, that's my word for ejaculate.
Anyhoo, I'm so distraught because I feel vulnerable, and I don't know.
I just feel like anyone could take advantage of me right now, a-ny-one.
'kay, let's see what the blondes have to say first.
Well, thank you, Wendell.
Thank you for sharing.
It's actually our time today.
How about them unny-funny people? We have the-- We talk about funny people all the-- Let's talk about some unfunny-- - We are blessed with the power of laughter.
Remember San Francisco? This woman was, like-- She's wasted, and she's like, "Tell me a joke.
" some guy was like, "I don't got a joke for you, baby, that's not my thing.
" - Yeah.
- I don't know, dude.
What the [bleep.]
she do for a living? - "Are-- Are you an accountant?" - "You an accountant?" "Ring some numbers up for me.
" - Oh, [bleep.]
.
You said that to that mythological woman - With all the bravado.
- But in real life, though, I'd be-- I'd be, like, "Um, um, chicken crossed the road.
" All right, man.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, okay.
All right, everybody, just let's settle down and settle in and, like, totally let's get our math on, okay? All right, guys, so-- Yeah, oh! All right, Jimmy, someone's got a little extra energy from Phys Ed, right? Jimmy, buddy, hey, buddy, let's-- okay, let's-- let's knock it off, okay? Okay.
He wanted me to knock it off You got me.
He got me, right, guys? So I knocked it off.
Jimmy, dude, all right, let's take our seat.
Take our seat.
Well, hey, hey.
That's great.
That's great.
That's great.
Very good.
Bravo, Jimmy.
- You guys can clap.
- Yay! That was awesome.
Oh, I thank you.
I thank you for the entertainment, man.
Jimmy-- Let's go, man.
Hey, buddy-- I don't want to harsh your vibe, man, but-- Ah, eureka.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
You're really pushing my buttons now, Jimmy.
You're driving me crazy, man.
That's enough.
You want me to write your name on the board? Home alone, home alone, home alone.
Okay, Jimmy, do you want me to call Principal Martel? That wouldn't be bitchin', wouldn't it? Okay.
You know what, Jimmy? You know what? Why don't you come up and teach the class, man? Hmm? Wouldn't that be awesome? Moi? Okay, good.
No, and then you know what I'm gonna do, Jimmy? I'll just sit here.
How 'bout that, Jimmy, And we can all watch how you're being disruptive-- Oh, I see.
That's supposed to be me.
Right, all right, Jimmy, okay, I see.
I get it's supposed to be me.
It's time to be done, Jimmy.
Don't you dare, Jimmy.
What the-- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, this is you, Jimmy! I'm you, Jimmy! How 'bout that, Jimmy, huh? "Oh, I'm gonna slap five! "Give me five!" Give me-- Give me five! Huh, how 'bout that, huh? That's you, Jimmy! "I'm Jimmy.
"I'm Jimmy, and I need attention! "Yeah, I'm Jimmy! I'm Jimmy! "Oh, lookie here.
I'm a baby boy.
"That's the funniest thing "that ever happened in the whole world! "I'm Jimmy! I want attention! "Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy! "I'm Jimmy! I'm Jimmy!" Mr.
Friar! Principal Martel! No, what? No, no, no, no, no, it was Jimmy.
It was Jimmy, Principal Martel.
No, Jimmy-- It was Jimmy! It was Jimmy! Whoo! Jimmy! Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Contextualize the whole thing.
They're a step ahead of us every single time.
- Oh, absolutely.
- A step ahead every-- Dicknanigans.
No.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Dicknanigans.
It's amazing.
Worms! Dicknanigans.
It's a dialogue without dialogue.
Absolutely.
I feel like they're in my head.
Dicknanigans.
Wow.
Poop.
Dicknanigans.
Frisbees.
Dicknanigans.
So-- Dicknanigans.
Solange.
Dicknanigans! Oh.
Gentlemen, "exploded nuts syndrome" is a condition indicated by the presence of exploded nuts, which yours are.
By the way, I saw your show last night.
Amazing.
What if we did a scene where we're standing there and our dicks are out.
We don't blur it, nothing.
Just--show open, our [bleep.]
next to each other.
What is the story that the dicks are telling? Well, that's what we-- Okay, now we're talking.
Now we're brainstorming.
So I'm thinking it's that-- - they're neighbors.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Yes.
So they come out of their houses - Okay, mm-hmm.
- in the-- - in the beginning of the day - Right, right.
And, you know, my dick would be like "Hey, Johnson.
" You know, something like that.
Right, and mine-- mine would be named-- "Hi, I'm Willy.
" Right, right-- so already we're gold.
The jokes will write themselves, man.
How many dick puns are there? A myriad amount of dick puns.
Okay, "let's go out and play ball.
" - Okay, you know what I'm saying? - Okay, right, I got you.
- I hear you.
- "I'm gonna go in for a second "and eat my breakfast, some scrote-meal.
" God, "scrote-meal" alone is almost worth it.
Absolutely.
We open with "scrote-meal.
" What's wrong with you, boy? You keep your hands off my woman! - Your woman? I saw her first.
- Don't you talk like that, dipshit.
Don't you put your hands on her.
That's my woman! And now for the scat stylings of Rex "The Bone Daddy" Ronson and Teddy "12 Combs" Lewis.
Zoo do dweep bodo dwape, zoodo dweep Zodo ba datin wop wop wa wop wow Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt Hoppy geebo derpa day Your breath smells like a butt Your bop bop, booty bop Your whole mouth smells like an open ass Butt, poop, poo Way we vwee vway, fat, fat, wat dway Fatty used to chewby doo you're fat You're a fat, fat fat, fay, fay, ba boo fatty Fah boo bah, fe, fi, fo fum What do I smell but some fat next to me That's the man, fatty mm Potty foo fay fe, fo, fat Hiddle bit little bit dibbidy dobbidy doo la la da Teenily weenily hoddily hiddily littla bittla Baby penis Feel free to suck it Suck it and suck it and suck it And suck it and suck it and suck it Feel free to suck it Feel free to suck it feel free to suck it Feel free to suck it you can suck it And put it in in your mouth Stop, mop Your face, your face, your face Looks like a ball sack No wrinkle dinkle doos sticky doop Ba dee do, wrinkle dinkle dee dee ball sack Tellenum, tellenum, ten oh, ten, you a taint, you a taint You're a taint you're a taint The space between the butt and balls Taint face, you tainty taint your face is a taint, taint Taint, taint Take it back - No, I won't - Take it back - I never will - Take it back - No, I won't, never will - Take it back, take it back - Take it back - No, I won't 'cause you're a son of a, son of a Son of a, son of a bitch, bitch, bitch Son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a bitch, bitch, bitch You don't need to fight over me There's plenty of the va-ga- Gina Vagina There's plenty of, of, of You know what I'm talking about, right? Y'all know what I'm talking about.
Don't you-- Do you know what R&B is? Do you know some really good modern R&B? I've been listening to it longer than rock 'n' roll.
That modern [bleep.]
.
I'm not talking about old school R&B.
I'm talking about that: Come on, let me get-- I'm gonna hit it from the back That's what they're talking about nowadays in R&B.
That's what they're talking about? I'm not talking about like I want to court you I'm not talking about that stuff.
Ain't it stuff where I'm gettting right into the "Where I put this thing inside your body?" - Yes.
- I don't listen - to that kind of music.
- It's-- It's-- R&B these days is like a literal description of sexual intercourse.
It's like My penis will go in your vagina No, it's not.
No, it Really? Semen will come out Mmmm I must say too we might have a baby - Really? - That's how far it's come.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah!