Lexx s04e10 Episode Script
Magic Baby
They make these things too sharp these days, so I have to make them duller before the surgery.
What surgery? Your surgery.
But there's nothing wrong with me! There may be nothing wrong with you, my good man, but I'm afraid you can't say the same thing about me.
I was sent here fifteen years ago - not as a doctor, mind you, but as a patient - a very sick patient.
Someone - and we still don't know who - got my file mixed up, and I've been practising medicine here ever since.
And you know what? No-one ever notices? No-one ever notices! So - what'll it be first? The lobotomy - or the castration? Somebody help me! Oh, this is a mental hospital.
Make all the noise you want - I do.
Somebody help me! Oh, thank you Kai! - You are welcome.
- Good timing.
- Hi Stanley.
- I was You can't be allowed to do this.
Oh you never to do this.
- Boy, am I ever glad to see you two.
- Boy, am I you no have Come on, Stanley.
We gotta get up to the Lexx right away.
See, I was doing it with Lyekka - well, not really but almost, and then the key went into her, and that stupid boyfriend of hers stole the moth, and they're probably stealing the Lexx right now.
We gotta get up there, right away.
The Dark Man! The Red Fool! The Dead One! I knew it! My name is Uther, and my journey is complete.
That's really nice for you, pal.
Well, not entirely complete, but this is right magic, this is.
Well that's really good but listen, you wouldn't happen to know a way off this planet would you? See, we gotta get up to the moon really soon.
Um, I would, yeah.
Jump in.
Lexx 4.
10 - Magic Baby Excuse me pal - Lexx 4.
10 - Magic Baby we're still down here, the moon's up there, we're not getting any closer to it.
What's so funny? The Red Fool - you! Listen, you said you knew a way to the moon and we're not exactly getting any closer, so will you either "ha ha ha" get this thing flying up there right now, or we find another way to get up there without ya.
Stan, this is a car.
It doesn't fly.
I knew that.
It can't fly - but it can transport us to another vessel capable of making the journey to the moon.
Well good, finally some progress getting off this planet! The deal is, that I bring you to a vessel can transporting you to the moon, if you agree to accompany me to the feast of Mograth.
Whatever.
So this is it, this is what we came for? Why is it so big, just to get to a nearby moon? It is a chemical powered rocket which must eject a large mass of burned fuel backward in order for it to accelerate forward.
Oh yeah yeah, of course, hmm.
Hold onto me.
- 790, can you hear me? - This is ground control.
Please leave the shuttle immediately and return to the gantry.
Leave the shuttle right now and you will not be harmed.
Yeah, as if we believe that! - 790? - Oh why, oh Kai, oh why? Why can I not always be at your grave side? - Who's that then? - That's, er - oh, never mind.
a place called Cape Canaveral, Florida.
Can you locate me? Easily and always - done.
that control this shuttle to launch us immediately on a trajectory that takes us to the Lexx.
With machine pure love I will immediately launch your deadness straight in my direction.
Good head 790! Come on then.
- What? - I've now completed my part of the bargain.
Now you must complete your part.
Hey, wait a minute pal - so far all we've done is take off from this stupid planet.
We don't even know if this, this - this tin can is gonna make it to the Lexx - we don't even know if the Lexx is still there.
I am on the Lexx, of course - which is on the dark side of the Earth's moon, - drifting away into space.
- So, er - what do you guys want with us anyway? And why do you keep calling me the Red Fool? Only the Red Fool would ask that.
According to the ancient Druid code, when Mars and Venus disappeared from the sky, the Dark Man - that'd be you, guv - the Red Fool bleeding obvious here - and the Dead One hello luv - would walk the Earth.
I, am not a fool.
Xev is not dead.
Kai is.
The Dead One is a beautiful woman, clutched in the icy hands of death.
What do you mean, clutched in the icy hands of death? It's a bit of a puzzler, in't it? So much of our learning has been lost in the misty fog of time.
We chosen few keep the faith only through little tiny fragments of ancient Druidical wisdom that's passed down through the ages.
Now you must accompany me to the feast of Mograth.
What's the feast of Mograth? Well, it's a great big feast that happens once every 1500 years, in the true centre of England - the great forest of Glastonbury.
A feast in a forest - oo, that sounds exciting.
The last one were fantastic - a real ripper.
- Sure.
- Don't believe me, eh? - No! - This is not the first body I've lived in, not a chance.
Look, OK - what really goes on at this feast of Mograth? The dead are raised to join the living, and we have a great big old nosh up with our ancestors - it's a terrific time.
OK, so - we get back to the Lexx, then we can maybe talk about going to your feast of Mograth, as long as there's no funny stuff going on there.
Crikey.
No funny stuff goes on at the feast of Mograth.
Boy, this thing is slow.
Pretty impressive, huh? This spaceship might be large and powerful, but it don't have nowhere near the magic of Old Holly.
- Who's Old Holly? - This, is Old Holly.
That, is just a piece of wood.
It's not just any piece of wood, mate.
It was carved long ago from a magic holly tree in the Glastonbury forest.
Put your big bug ship to shame, it would.
Oh yeah, yeah, sure - can your stick blow up a planet? Have you always been a druid - in this life, I mean? The Dead One asks a lot of questions.
Well, that's because this Dead One, whatever that means, is curious.
In this life I've only been a druid for - oh, about 168 moons.
Before that I were Nigel Bunson from Bradford.
I started out as a singer/drummer or drummer/singer in a rock and roll band - The Waterlooey Five.
You could call it souped-up skiffle for the teddy boys, actually, but we definitely had a bit of the old Mersey magic, especially on Oh Candy, How Could Ya? - great tune, that were.
Well, the Waterlooey Five broke up amid, you know, creative differences, but for me it were like fate, because I moved on to the supergroup - Mind Grind.
You might have heard of our hit song, It's Magic Magic Baby? No - we didn't get that one on the Cluster.
It all seems so unimportant now that I've found what I was seeking - but then one moon night when I were dancing around this ancient Druidic dolmen drinking some wine - well, quite a bit of wine in fact - the bird I were with slipped a little acid under me tongue.
- Acid? Oh, I bet that stung.
- Oh, you don't know the half.
It was like all me past lives opened up like flowering petals before me.
The door to me past was swung wide open, and I knew, I truly knew, that I was not just Nigel Bunson, the singing drummer from Bradford, but that I had always been the knight and warrior Uther de Glastonbury.
After I got out of rehab, I quit the band, sold me old drum kit and within a fortnight I were deciphering the runes of the ancient Druidic code, and I've been on a journey ever since, the old fool's journey, Uther's journey, seeking.
- Seeking what? - You're blocking my view, - rotten shoes.
- The Dark Man, the Red Fool, and the Dead One, you.
Now I've found you.
- Yue? - Who are they? - And what are they doing here? - Do, at Do osThey're - oh, just never mind.
Tell us, 790 - did Lyekka and a man named huff arrive on the Lexx? If I stop and think about it - and I don't really know why I should - I suppose I remember two stupid people who showed up on the bridge a while ago.
Did she have the key to the Lexx? I wasn't really paying much attention, but I suppose so, because they did blow up a couple of planets.
There you go - Venus and Mars! Just like it were foretold.
Where are Lyekka and Huff now? Don't know, and don't care! They left the bridge and frankly I didn't think about them anymore.
I concentrated solely on my beloved corpse.
Now come on - lick me! Lexx - this is Stan, your captain.
Can you hear me? Can you hear me, Lexx? This is your captain, whose orders you're supposed to obey, and I'm ordering you to obey me right now.
Why why why did I let Lyekka get the key?! Because you're a male, and you just couldn't resist her bringing you to the height of ecstasy.
The Lexx is still here, so where are Lyekka and Huff? Oh wait a second - you don't think they would have gone into the cryochamber and woken up - That dead assassin woman who wants to suck the protoblood out of Kai, your Kai? Thankfully, no.
That I would remember.
Well I think we should check out the cryochamber anyway.
I wanna make sure that Vlad is frozen exactly where we left her.
Who's this Vlad then, hey? The source of your planet's Dracula and vampire legends, but in fact a decarbonised dead assassin from a planetoid called the Cluster.
Vlad was designed to destroy other assassins in the Divine Order, like me.
Yeah - pretty much what I thought.
Oh, I feel a lot better now.
Lyekka and Huff - they're not on the bridge, they're not here - so where are they? Well, the Lexx is a big ship, they could be anywhere.
Yeah.
Kai, can you find them for us? I will search for them if you request.
Yeah, yeah I request! Look, anyway, can we just get out of here? I don't like being around her, not one little bit.
This is just bad news.
Why don't we just get rid of her, fire her off into space or something? It is better that she remain in cryostasis until we can control the Lexx.
Oo, you are magic Xev, d'you know that? So now - what does a love slave do? Everything.
A love slave is specially skilled in the art of pleasing a man.
You're lucky, you've got a good solid trade there, luv.
I must say right now I thank the great sprites of Salisbury, 'cause I'm feeling quite pleased that I were born a bloke, in this life - thanks, great sprite.
I wouldn't bother myself too much about that, Uther Bury Bury whatever, because Xev may be a love slave, but she doesn't exactly spend a whole lot of her time pleasing men! It's not because I don't want to.
Oh come on Xev, I've given you plenty of chances to throw a little pleasure my way.
I don't see you exactly wearing your fingers out undoing my uniform.
Well sorry Stan, but that's just you.
See - love slaves do have special skills - but they also have special needs.
Oo, it's not right.
Oh no.
Er, excuse me - Lyekka, Huff? Can we -? I'm definitely getting a bit of the old magic in me staff.
Old Holly? It's as near as dammit, yeah.
Good strong wood excites me - but I'm tired.
I think I will go and lie down for a little rest.
It is down a narrow tunnel if you would like to exploer it, baby? Oh Well I think I feel like a bit of a kip [.]
over something.
What? A kip? Well, good luck getting any kip out of her! These druids they're nuts! They're worse than nuts! No offence, pal.
We know that Lyekka stole the key, but we don't know where she is, just that she's probably somewhere on the Lexx, which is really really big so it might take a while to find her, right? Right.
OK - we also know that this is a Type 13 planet in its last stages, and we wanna be as far away from it as possible when it goes.
So, what I'm thinking is that rather than waiting for Lyekka to show up or for us to track her down, which could take a long time, that we find a way to start flying the Lexx away from here without her! How? Well I don't know how! But the Lexx is a machine, right? Well OK, it's not completely a machine, but it's partially a machine, and 790 is a robot that was designed to operate complex machinery, so I say we just make a new key.
You can make a new key, right? Why would I want to? Could you, 790? No.
It's completely impossible.
The Divine Order would never have allowed the key to its most powerful weapon to be easily replicated.
OK, well look, you've got a small piece of living brain in that tin can, don't you? So why don't you interface with the Lexx, and the part of his drive that lets us fly him, without the key - on the other side of the key, if you know what I mean.
No.
can you find the section of the Lexx's mechanical part that controls his main drive? - Of course.
- OK, well that's it! We forget about the key and we fly the Lexx without it.
So where do we look? The control drive takes up much of the Lexx's tail, so, logically we should begin looking there.
You will help us.
I'd be happy to.
You know 790, I admit sometimes you're useful, but one of these days I am gonna melt you down, robot head.
Do you know what a groupie is? - No.
- Well, a groupie is like a love slave really - only different.
She really really digs the men behind the music.
And when a groupie is alone with a rock star, she gives off a certain type of vibe, or signal, which I am starting to receive right now from you, darling.
And what kind of signal is that? A signal to start getting your kit off.
Each of these particle accelerators is clearly given its control instructions through a single nerve that leads directly to the Lexx's brain - if you can call it that.
OK, well then we'll just have to connect in after the nerve.
There are thousands of particle accelerators, and they must all act in conjunction to drive the Lexx.
I can only connect into one at a time.
Well get on with it then! Lexx? Try another one.
- This isn't working.
- I do not have the capacity to send the type of biomechanical signals it understands.
The key is a living thing that controls another living thing.
Well, then we'll just have to keep searching until we find Lyekka and Huff, and get the key back from her.
If they are still alive.
What do you mean by that? If Lyekka and Huff were somehow - killed, Lexx would have had sufficient time to have absorbed their bodies.
There would no longer be any sign of them.
Well, what or who could have killed them? Well why didn't you mention that before? You did not ask the appropriate question.
Well, the next time something important comes up and I don't ask the appropriate question, can you please respond to the context? The dead do not respond to context.
Must build more moths.
Must build more moths.
Must obey your command.
Tell me more about your magic staff.
Well, it's kinda long, in't it? And it's very stiff - you might say it's a stiff staff.
And what actually makes it so - stiff? A certain song'd best explain it, I think.
Why did I think this might be coming? Sing me a song - - a good song! - Xev - Oh hottest groupie, lizard queen - are you ready to rock? - I think so! - Are you ready to roll? I'm ready for anything! Are you truly ready, little Xev, for a blast from the past? A blast from your past! A classic rock and roll anthem - ladies and gentlemen, guys and gals, lovers and sweethearts and rockers throughout the ages - I give you the number one super hit of yesteryear.
The one, the only, the high priests of power chords, the Mind Grind! and It's Magic Magic Baby! Wooh! Can you feel, really feel, the feeling deep inside.
What's it all about, when it slides in and out.
It's magic magic baby.
I don't know but I've been told, I've been told a lot.
That the feeling you get, when you're slippery and wet.
It's magic magic baby.
With sleight of hand and flick of wrist, you can feel it too.
With one little squeeze, it's guaranteed to please.
It's magic magic baby.
Hey! Give up luv, I'm too old for a three way! How did you get out? Where is Kai? You set the cryopod to open on its own, right? Where is Kai? Gone, back to Earth.
I do not believe you.
And as your blood is different from humans', and I cannot enslave you - I will kill you.
Kai.
Lexx is endless, they could be anywhere.
Or nowhere.
- Land here.
- Why? I'm getting all worried about Xev, and you wanna stop here and play tourist.
We already got a moth, why do we need another one? These moths are dead.
They have all been killed by a long sharp weapon.
Like Vlad's impaler? Oh, I don't like this Kai, I don't like this one little bit.
Where are all the moth breeders? I do not know, Stanley.
We should go find Xev.
You keep a watch ahead, he can guard the rear, and I'll keep an eye out for anything that comes at us from the side.
Coward! Be careful, Kai.
She is dead.
- Dead? - However, she was only recently killed, as her flesh is still warm.
No, no, not Xev.
She really I don't believe it, I don't believe it, I don't believe it.
Xev has been killed, certainly by Vlad.
Stanley - take the moth, and fly to the Earth, but destroy the space shuttles before you go.
If Vlad has killed the moth, destroy one of the shuttles, and try to make it to the Earth with the other, but Vlad must not be allowed to make it back to the planet.
Well what about you? This is my fight, Stanley.
I will confront Vlad.
But she's stronger than you.
I mean, she was designed to defeat assassins like you, and she has protoblood.
Then I will likely be defeated.
Go now Stanley, before it is too late.
No.
No, first we freeze Xev.
She is dead.
Well yeah, I know that, but she'sbut she's - flesh is still warm, and if we freeze her, we, then we can use the protein regenerator to fix her later.
The protein regenerator is not functional.
Well, we'll fix it.
If we freeze her, then we'll have all the time we need.
It repairs damaged flesh.
To bring the dead back to life is a more complicated thing, which it cannot do.
We are going to freeze her before I leave.
This is not the right choice for you, Stanley.
Maybe not, but it's the right choice for Xev.
It takes time for the cells in your body to die, right? I mean, technically she may be dead, but most of her body's still alive, isn't it? Don't worry, Xev.
I'll be back.
I'll get back and we'll fix you up - somehow.
Where is Kai? Gone.
Far away.
He said he didn't like the Lexx and he wasn't coming back here ever again.
I think he shot himself into the sun - you should go after him and do the same.
I love you Kai! I will accompany you as far as I can to the shuttle.
Do not be a hero.
There is nothing you can do to assist me.
Don't worry, I've never been very good at being a hero! - What? - Run, Stanley.
Leave now - fast! Come on, we've gotta go.
Stanley! The staff has the power.
Stanley, the staff has the power! Come on, come on.
- This moth is dead.
- That's right.
Vlad did it.
She killed Xev too.
She's still out there.
We gotta get away.
Your buddy's dead too.
You're a Divine Assassin - I am a destroyer of assassins.
I will destroy you.
I'll be right back, I forgot your stick.
Kai! Help me! Kai! Why do you care about him? Why do you care about anyone, assassin? I do not care about him.
You behave as if you do.
You behave as if you cared about me.
I do care about you.
I care about your destruction.
She's controlling you Uther, but you're still yourself.
You can be yourself if you want to, just try.
I did it, you can do it.
You were a great warrior, remember? Die, Stanley, die! Feel the magic magic baby! Thank you, Kai.
Stanley! Stanley Tweedle! Tweedle! Stanley! Get up Kai.
Use up all your strength.
And then I will suck the - protoblood, out of you.
And you will be - destroyed.
Stan! Kai's in trouble, terrible trouble - you have to do something! Well, what? I don't know - something! Anything! You have to get her away from him somehow.
OK, well think robot head, think - what can I do? I don't know.
I don't know, I'm out of ideas! Well, so am I.
Where are you going? To the shuttle.
I'm gonna blow up one, and leave in the other, if I can.
But how will that help Kai?! It won't, but it's what he asked me to do.
Take me with you.
Why? I don't care about you, and you don't care about me.
But I can't do anything for Kai here, and if we stick together we might be able to find a way.
OK.
- We're pals, aren't we Stan? - No.
Mine, mine.
You are mine.
OK, so how do I disable it? Without fuel, this tin can cannot go anywhere, so all you have to do is release its remaining chemical fuel.
OK, well how do I do that? Press that button labelled fuel release.
OK, well which one is it? The red one.
Third on the left above your right hand.
Thanks 790.
OK 790 - how do I fly this thing? Press the big button, and as soon as the green light comes on, push the small lever forward, then start driving.
OK.
What are you doing? - You're moth breeders, - Must obey Vlad.
- you only breed moths! - Must obey Vlad.
Just cut me!??? It all comes to she who waits.
I am defeated.
Yes.
Last of the Brunnen G, you are defeated.
It had to be so.
I was built to find you and destroy you.
It was just a matter of time - a long time, but still only time.
What will you do now? You know the answer to that.
I'm a destroyer.
And once I have your powers well as my own, I will destroy all that is before me.
You will have destroyed me.
Is that not enough? No.
You are my greatest victory, but my appetite can never be satisfied.
And now I will suck your protoblood, and your time will come to an end.
Bye Kai.
Goodbye Stanley.
Time for a heart to heart.
The staff has the power.
You are next - After I finish my meal.
I worship His Shadow Old Holly.
Protoblood, Stanley.
Bring me my protoblood.
You are a real pal, Stanley.
Thanks 790.
Never thought I'd hear those words from you.
Don't worry - the relationship will not last.
OK, now look - now that we've saved Kai, we should all pull together, try to save Xev.
Xev cannot be saved.
Xev is dead.
Will you please try to be a bit more positive about things? The dead are rarely positive about things.
OK, let's give up and eject her into space - in a dignified way, of course.
We are not giving up.
We have repaired her damaged flesh and she's still dead, so that's it.
We're done.
Job over.
Trash the bitch.
We're not trashing her, we're gonna bring her back to life.
- How? - I don't know.
All I know is I want her back, alive.
What you want is beyond the realm of the possible.
Well - then let's try the impossible.
Which is - ? I don't know! I don't have any bright ideas right now, OK? She's my friend, and I want her back, and that's all.
I understand, Stanley.
She looks so peaceful.
Can't we just eject her into space? Goodbye Xev Mikl, Bars (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)
What surgery? Your surgery.
But there's nothing wrong with me! There may be nothing wrong with you, my good man, but I'm afraid you can't say the same thing about me.
I was sent here fifteen years ago - not as a doctor, mind you, but as a patient - a very sick patient.
Someone - and we still don't know who - got my file mixed up, and I've been practising medicine here ever since.
And you know what? No-one ever notices? No-one ever notices! So - what'll it be first? The lobotomy - or the castration? Somebody help me! Oh, this is a mental hospital.
Make all the noise you want - I do.
Somebody help me! Oh, thank you Kai! - You are welcome.
- Good timing.
- Hi Stanley.
- I was You can't be allowed to do this.
Oh you never to do this.
- Boy, am I ever glad to see you two.
- Boy, am I you no have Come on, Stanley.
We gotta get up to the Lexx right away.
See, I was doing it with Lyekka - well, not really but almost, and then the key went into her, and that stupid boyfriend of hers stole the moth, and they're probably stealing the Lexx right now.
We gotta get up there, right away.
The Dark Man! The Red Fool! The Dead One! I knew it! My name is Uther, and my journey is complete.
That's really nice for you, pal.
Well, not entirely complete, but this is right magic, this is.
Well that's really good but listen, you wouldn't happen to know a way off this planet would you? See, we gotta get up to the moon really soon.
Um, I would, yeah.
Jump in.
Lexx 4.
10 - Magic Baby Excuse me pal - Lexx 4.
10 - Magic Baby we're still down here, the moon's up there, we're not getting any closer to it.
What's so funny? The Red Fool - you! Listen, you said you knew a way to the moon and we're not exactly getting any closer, so will you either "ha ha ha" get this thing flying up there right now, or we find another way to get up there without ya.
Stan, this is a car.
It doesn't fly.
I knew that.
It can't fly - but it can transport us to another vessel capable of making the journey to the moon.
Well good, finally some progress getting off this planet! The deal is, that I bring you to a vessel can transporting you to the moon, if you agree to accompany me to the feast of Mograth.
Whatever.
So this is it, this is what we came for? Why is it so big, just to get to a nearby moon? It is a chemical powered rocket which must eject a large mass of burned fuel backward in order for it to accelerate forward.
Oh yeah yeah, of course, hmm.
Hold onto me.
- 790, can you hear me? - This is ground control.
Please leave the shuttle immediately and return to the gantry.
Leave the shuttle right now and you will not be harmed.
Yeah, as if we believe that! - 790? - Oh why, oh Kai, oh why? Why can I not always be at your grave side? - Who's that then? - That's, er - oh, never mind.
a place called Cape Canaveral, Florida.
Can you locate me? Easily and always - done.
that control this shuttle to launch us immediately on a trajectory that takes us to the Lexx.
With machine pure love I will immediately launch your deadness straight in my direction.
Good head 790! Come on then.
- What? - I've now completed my part of the bargain.
Now you must complete your part.
Hey, wait a minute pal - so far all we've done is take off from this stupid planet.
We don't even know if this, this - this tin can is gonna make it to the Lexx - we don't even know if the Lexx is still there.
I am on the Lexx, of course - which is on the dark side of the Earth's moon, - drifting away into space.
- So, er - what do you guys want with us anyway? And why do you keep calling me the Red Fool? Only the Red Fool would ask that.
According to the ancient Druid code, when Mars and Venus disappeared from the sky, the Dark Man - that'd be you, guv - the Red Fool bleeding obvious here - and the Dead One hello luv - would walk the Earth.
I, am not a fool.
Xev is not dead.
Kai is.
The Dead One is a beautiful woman, clutched in the icy hands of death.
What do you mean, clutched in the icy hands of death? It's a bit of a puzzler, in't it? So much of our learning has been lost in the misty fog of time.
We chosen few keep the faith only through little tiny fragments of ancient Druidical wisdom that's passed down through the ages.
Now you must accompany me to the feast of Mograth.
What's the feast of Mograth? Well, it's a great big feast that happens once every 1500 years, in the true centre of England - the great forest of Glastonbury.
A feast in a forest - oo, that sounds exciting.
The last one were fantastic - a real ripper.
- Sure.
- Don't believe me, eh? - No! - This is not the first body I've lived in, not a chance.
Look, OK - what really goes on at this feast of Mograth? The dead are raised to join the living, and we have a great big old nosh up with our ancestors - it's a terrific time.
OK, so - we get back to the Lexx, then we can maybe talk about going to your feast of Mograth, as long as there's no funny stuff going on there.
Crikey.
No funny stuff goes on at the feast of Mograth.
Boy, this thing is slow.
Pretty impressive, huh? This spaceship might be large and powerful, but it don't have nowhere near the magic of Old Holly.
- Who's Old Holly? - This, is Old Holly.
That, is just a piece of wood.
It's not just any piece of wood, mate.
It was carved long ago from a magic holly tree in the Glastonbury forest.
Put your big bug ship to shame, it would.
Oh yeah, yeah, sure - can your stick blow up a planet? Have you always been a druid - in this life, I mean? The Dead One asks a lot of questions.
Well, that's because this Dead One, whatever that means, is curious.
In this life I've only been a druid for - oh, about 168 moons.
Before that I were Nigel Bunson from Bradford.
I started out as a singer/drummer or drummer/singer in a rock and roll band - The Waterlooey Five.
You could call it souped-up skiffle for the teddy boys, actually, but we definitely had a bit of the old Mersey magic, especially on Oh Candy, How Could Ya? - great tune, that were.
Well, the Waterlooey Five broke up amid, you know, creative differences, but for me it were like fate, because I moved on to the supergroup - Mind Grind.
You might have heard of our hit song, It's Magic Magic Baby? No - we didn't get that one on the Cluster.
It all seems so unimportant now that I've found what I was seeking - but then one moon night when I were dancing around this ancient Druidic dolmen drinking some wine - well, quite a bit of wine in fact - the bird I were with slipped a little acid under me tongue.
- Acid? Oh, I bet that stung.
- Oh, you don't know the half.
It was like all me past lives opened up like flowering petals before me.
The door to me past was swung wide open, and I knew, I truly knew, that I was not just Nigel Bunson, the singing drummer from Bradford, but that I had always been the knight and warrior Uther de Glastonbury.
After I got out of rehab, I quit the band, sold me old drum kit and within a fortnight I were deciphering the runes of the ancient Druidic code, and I've been on a journey ever since, the old fool's journey, Uther's journey, seeking.
- Seeking what? - You're blocking my view, - rotten shoes.
- The Dark Man, the Red Fool, and the Dead One, you.
Now I've found you.
- Yue? - Who are they? - And what are they doing here? - Do, at Do osThey're - oh, just never mind.
Tell us, 790 - did Lyekka and a man named huff arrive on the Lexx? If I stop and think about it - and I don't really know why I should - I suppose I remember two stupid people who showed up on the bridge a while ago.
Did she have the key to the Lexx? I wasn't really paying much attention, but I suppose so, because they did blow up a couple of planets.
There you go - Venus and Mars! Just like it were foretold.
Where are Lyekka and Huff now? Don't know, and don't care! They left the bridge and frankly I didn't think about them anymore.
I concentrated solely on my beloved corpse.
Now come on - lick me! Lexx - this is Stan, your captain.
Can you hear me? Can you hear me, Lexx? This is your captain, whose orders you're supposed to obey, and I'm ordering you to obey me right now.
Why why why did I let Lyekka get the key?! Because you're a male, and you just couldn't resist her bringing you to the height of ecstasy.
The Lexx is still here, so where are Lyekka and Huff? Oh wait a second - you don't think they would have gone into the cryochamber and woken up - That dead assassin woman who wants to suck the protoblood out of Kai, your Kai? Thankfully, no.
That I would remember.
Well I think we should check out the cryochamber anyway.
I wanna make sure that Vlad is frozen exactly where we left her.
Who's this Vlad then, hey? The source of your planet's Dracula and vampire legends, but in fact a decarbonised dead assassin from a planetoid called the Cluster.
Vlad was designed to destroy other assassins in the Divine Order, like me.
Yeah - pretty much what I thought.
Oh, I feel a lot better now.
Lyekka and Huff - they're not on the bridge, they're not here - so where are they? Well, the Lexx is a big ship, they could be anywhere.
Yeah.
Kai, can you find them for us? I will search for them if you request.
Yeah, yeah I request! Look, anyway, can we just get out of here? I don't like being around her, not one little bit.
This is just bad news.
Why don't we just get rid of her, fire her off into space or something? It is better that she remain in cryostasis until we can control the Lexx.
Oo, you are magic Xev, d'you know that? So now - what does a love slave do? Everything.
A love slave is specially skilled in the art of pleasing a man.
You're lucky, you've got a good solid trade there, luv.
I must say right now I thank the great sprites of Salisbury, 'cause I'm feeling quite pleased that I were born a bloke, in this life - thanks, great sprite.
I wouldn't bother myself too much about that, Uther Bury Bury whatever, because Xev may be a love slave, but she doesn't exactly spend a whole lot of her time pleasing men! It's not because I don't want to.
Oh come on Xev, I've given you plenty of chances to throw a little pleasure my way.
I don't see you exactly wearing your fingers out undoing my uniform.
Well sorry Stan, but that's just you.
See - love slaves do have special skills - but they also have special needs.
Oo, it's not right.
Oh no.
Er, excuse me - Lyekka, Huff? Can we -? I'm definitely getting a bit of the old magic in me staff.
Old Holly? It's as near as dammit, yeah.
Good strong wood excites me - but I'm tired.
I think I will go and lie down for a little rest.
It is down a narrow tunnel if you would like to exploer it, baby? Oh Well I think I feel like a bit of a kip [.]
over something.
What? A kip? Well, good luck getting any kip out of her! These druids they're nuts! They're worse than nuts! No offence, pal.
We know that Lyekka stole the key, but we don't know where she is, just that she's probably somewhere on the Lexx, which is really really big so it might take a while to find her, right? Right.
OK - we also know that this is a Type 13 planet in its last stages, and we wanna be as far away from it as possible when it goes.
So, what I'm thinking is that rather than waiting for Lyekka to show up or for us to track her down, which could take a long time, that we find a way to start flying the Lexx away from here without her! How? Well I don't know how! But the Lexx is a machine, right? Well OK, it's not completely a machine, but it's partially a machine, and 790 is a robot that was designed to operate complex machinery, so I say we just make a new key.
You can make a new key, right? Why would I want to? Could you, 790? No.
It's completely impossible.
The Divine Order would never have allowed the key to its most powerful weapon to be easily replicated.
OK, well look, you've got a small piece of living brain in that tin can, don't you? So why don't you interface with the Lexx, and the part of his drive that lets us fly him, without the key - on the other side of the key, if you know what I mean.
No.
can you find the section of the Lexx's mechanical part that controls his main drive? - Of course.
- OK, well that's it! We forget about the key and we fly the Lexx without it.
So where do we look? The control drive takes up much of the Lexx's tail, so, logically we should begin looking there.
You will help us.
I'd be happy to.
You know 790, I admit sometimes you're useful, but one of these days I am gonna melt you down, robot head.
Do you know what a groupie is? - No.
- Well, a groupie is like a love slave really - only different.
She really really digs the men behind the music.
And when a groupie is alone with a rock star, she gives off a certain type of vibe, or signal, which I am starting to receive right now from you, darling.
And what kind of signal is that? A signal to start getting your kit off.
Each of these particle accelerators is clearly given its control instructions through a single nerve that leads directly to the Lexx's brain - if you can call it that.
OK, well then we'll just have to connect in after the nerve.
There are thousands of particle accelerators, and they must all act in conjunction to drive the Lexx.
I can only connect into one at a time.
Well get on with it then! Lexx? Try another one.
- This isn't working.
- I do not have the capacity to send the type of biomechanical signals it understands.
The key is a living thing that controls another living thing.
Well, then we'll just have to keep searching until we find Lyekka and Huff, and get the key back from her.
If they are still alive.
What do you mean by that? If Lyekka and Huff were somehow - killed, Lexx would have had sufficient time to have absorbed their bodies.
There would no longer be any sign of them.
Well, what or who could have killed them? Well why didn't you mention that before? You did not ask the appropriate question.
Well, the next time something important comes up and I don't ask the appropriate question, can you please respond to the context? The dead do not respond to context.
Must build more moths.
Must build more moths.
Must obey your command.
Tell me more about your magic staff.
Well, it's kinda long, in't it? And it's very stiff - you might say it's a stiff staff.
And what actually makes it so - stiff? A certain song'd best explain it, I think.
Why did I think this might be coming? Sing me a song - - a good song! - Xev - Oh hottest groupie, lizard queen - are you ready to rock? - I think so! - Are you ready to roll? I'm ready for anything! Are you truly ready, little Xev, for a blast from the past? A blast from your past! A classic rock and roll anthem - ladies and gentlemen, guys and gals, lovers and sweethearts and rockers throughout the ages - I give you the number one super hit of yesteryear.
The one, the only, the high priests of power chords, the Mind Grind! and It's Magic Magic Baby! Wooh! Can you feel, really feel, the feeling deep inside.
What's it all about, when it slides in and out.
It's magic magic baby.
I don't know but I've been told, I've been told a lot.
That the feeling you get, when you're slippery and wet.
It's magic magic baby.
With sleight of hand and flick of wrist, you can feel it too.
With one little squeeze, it's guaranteed to please.
It's magic magic baby.
Hey! Give up luv, I'm too old for a three way! How did you get out? Where is Kai? You set the cryopod to open on its own, right? Where is Kai? Gone, back to Earth.
I do not believe you.
And as your blood is different from humans', and I cannot enslave you - I will kill you.
Kai.
Lexx is endless, they could be anywhere.
Or nowhere.
- Land here.
- Why? I'm getting all worried about Xev, and you wanna stop here and play tourist.
We already got a moth, why do we need another one? These moths are dead.
They have all been killed by a long sharp weapon.
Like Vlad's impaler? Oh, I don't like this Kai, I don't like this one little bit.
Where are all the moth breeders? I do not know, Stanley.
We should go find Xev.
You keep a watch ahead, he can guard the rear, and I'll keep an eye out for anything that comes at us from the side.
Coward! Be careful, Kai.
She is dead.
- Dead? - However, she was only recently killed, as her flesh is still warm.
No, no, not Xev.
She really I don't believe it, I don't believe it, I don't believe it.
Xev has been killed, certainly by Vlad.
Stanley - take the moth, and fly to the Earth, but destroy the space shuttles before you go.
If Vlad has killed the moth, destroy one of the shuttles, and try to make it to the Earth with the other, but Vlad must not be allowed to make it back to the planet.
Well what about you? This is my fight, Stanley.
I will confront Vlad.
But she's stronger than you.
I mean, she was designed to defeat assassins like you, and she has protoblood.
Then I will likely be defeated.
Go now Stanley, before it is too late.
No.
No, first we freeze Xev.
She is dead.
Well yeah, I know that, but she'sbut she's - flesh is still warm, and if we freeze her, we, then we can use the protein regenerator to fix her later.
The protein regenerator is not functional.
Well, we'll fix it.
If we freeze her, then we'll have all the time we need.
It repairs damaged flesh.
To bring the dead back to life is a more complicated thing, which it cannot do.
We are going to freeze her before I leave.
This is not the right choice for you, Stanley.
Maybe not, but it's the right choice for Xev.
It takes time for the cells in your body to die, right? I mean, technically she may be dead, but most of her body's still alive, isn't it? Don't worry, Xev.
I'll be back.
I'll get back and we'll fix you up - somehow.
Where is Kai? Gone.
Far away.
He said he didn't like the Lexx and he wasn't coming back here ever again.
I think he shot himself into the sun - you should go after him and do the same.
I love you Kai! I will accompany you as far as I can to the shuttle.
Do not be a hero.
There is nothing you can do to assist me.
Don't worry, I've never been very good at being a hero! - What? - Run, Stanley.
Leave now - fast! Come on, we've gotta go.
Stanley! The staff has the power.
Stanley, the staff has the power! Come on, come on.
- This moth is dead.
- That's right.
Vlad did it.
She killed Xev too.
She's still out there.
We gotta get away.
Your buddy's dead too.
You're a Divine Assassin - I am a destroyer of assassins.
I will destroy you.
I'll be right back, I forgot your stick.
Kai! Help me! Kai! Why do you care about him? Why do you care about anyone, assassin? I do not care about him.
You behave as if you do.
You behave as if you cared about me.
I do care about you.
I care about your destruction.
She's controlling you Uther, but you're still yourself.
You can be yourself if you want to, just try.
I did it, you can do it.
You were a great warrior, remember? Die, Stanley, die! Feel the magic magic baby! Thank you, Kai.
Stanley! Stanley Tweedle! Tweedle! Stanley! Get up Kai.
Use up all your strength.
And then I will suck the - protoblood, out of you.
And you will be - destroyed.
Stan! Kai's in trouble, terrible trouble - you have to do something! Well, what? I don't know - something! Anything! You have to get her away from him somehow.
OK, well think robot head, think - what can I do? I don't know.
I don't know, I'm out of ideas! Well, so am I.
Where are you going? To the shuttle.
I'm gonna blow up one, and leave in the other, if I can.
But how will that help Kai?! It won't, but it's what he asked me to do.
Take me with you.
Why? I don't care about you, and you don't care about me.
But I can't do anything for Kai here, and if we stick together we might be able to find a way.
OK.
- We're pals, aren't we Stan? - No.
Mine, mine.
You are mine.
OK, so how do I disable it? Without fuel, this tin can cannot go anywhere, so all you have to do is release its remaining chemical fuel.
OK, well how do I do that? Press that button labelled fuel release.
OK, well which one is it? The red one.
Third on the left above your right hand.
Thanks 790.
OK 790 - how do I fly this thing? Press the big button, and as soon as the green light comes on, push the small lever forward, then start driving.
OK.
What are you doing? - You're moth breeders, - Must obey Vlad.
- you only breed moths! - Must obey Vlad.
Just cut me!??? It all comes to she who waits.
I am defeated.
Yes.
Last of the Brunnen G, you are defeated.
It had to be so.
I was built to find you and destroy you.
It was just a matter of time - a long time, but still only time.
What will you do now? You know the answer to that.
I'm a destroyer.
And once I have your powers well as my own, I will destroy all that is before me.
You will have destroyed me.
Is that not enough? No.
You are my greatest victory, but my appetite can never be satisfied.
And now I will suck your protoblood, and your time will come to an end.
Bye Kai.
Goodbye Stanley.
Time for a heart to heart.
The staff has the power.
You are next - After I finish my meal.
I worship His Shadow Old Holly.
Protoblood, Stanley.
Bring me my protoblood.
You are a real pal, Stanley.
Thanks 790.
Never thought I'd hear those words from you.
Don't worry - the relationship will not last.
OK, now look - now that we've saved Kai, we should all pull together, try to save Xev.
Xev cannot be saved.
Xev is dead.
Will you please try to be a bit more positive about things? The dead are rarely positive about things.
OK, let's give up and eject her into space - in a dignified way, of course.
We are not giving up.
We have repaired her damaged flesh and she's still dead, so that's it.
We're done.
Job over.
Trash the bitch.
We're not trashing her, we're gonna bring her back to life.
- How? - I don't know.
All I know is I want her back, alive.
What you want is beyond the realm of the possible.
Well - then let's try the impossible.
Which is - ? I don't know! I don't have any bright ideas right now, OK? She's my friend, and I want her back, and that's all.
I understand, Stanley.
She looks so peaceful.
Can't we just eject her into space? Goodbye Xev Mikl, Bars (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)