Life in Pieces (2015) s04e10 Episode Script

1 Wow.
I can't believe you guys got a reservation at this spot.
Or are we just pretending to be the next party of four, regardless of what name they call? Oh, yeah, 'cause I'll do that.
I am starving.
Spencer, party of three.
Yeah, that's us.
Sorry, Greg, you're out.
- (STAMMERS) - No, no, no, we have an actual reservation.
And not only that dinner is on us tonight.
What? No way.
- Uh, absolutely not.
- Yes! - MATT: No, no, no.
We insist.
- No.
- Yes! As a thank you for helping Lucas get into Lark's preschool.
He wouldn't be there without your letter of recommendation, - so - And he already got reprimanded for bullying.
And you know what bullies have? Confidence.
So, thank you.
- It was our pleasure.
Really.
- Yeah, really.
It's the least we can do.
And not just because it means - that now you can pick Lark up for us.
- (LAUGHTER) Tonight is our treat.
You guys just chill out.
We're gonna go buy a round.
Wow.
Look at that.
Hey, babe, good job writing that letter.
I didn't write that letter.
What do you mean? You've been acting like you did.
Because I thought you wrote it.
I specifically remember you saying that you would write it, because you elbowed me in the ribs so hard that I spit my retainer out into the toilet.
No, no, no, no.
I remember you promising, because you had just finished that rap documentary and you made up some ridiculous rhyme - about the letter.
- Listen, just because I spit a sick freestyle - does not mean I'm actually gonna do it.
- (GROANS) Greg, come on.
They are paying for a crazy expensive dinner because they think we are the reason that Lucas got in.
So we have to tell them.
I feel awful.
Straight up unlawful.
- Hey! - (CHUCKLES) We got the fanciest drink on the menu.
These are chocolate martinis.
COLLEEN: The bartender was so impressed.
He said no one's ever ordered four before.
- (CHUCKLES) - Okay.
Uh, look, guys, there-there's no way that we can let you buy dinner tonight.
Well, too bad, bro.
When we were being interviewed, we talked about how much we wanted Lark and Lucas to-to be as close as you and I are.
Say what? And I realized that I was talking about the relationship that I wish we had.
Because I know that I haven't always been the best brother, Greg.
But I want that to change, and I want it to change starting today.
'Kay.
To a sinfully sweet evening.
These were $18 each.
- (CHUCKLES) - HOSTESS: Short, party of four.
Oh, right here.
- Follow me.
- Yay.
Oh, my God.
Did you hear that? Uh-huh.
You know what I didn't hear? You telling him that we didn't write that letter.
Oh.
But (SCOFFS) Jen, I have never heard him say anything like that - to me before, all right? - (GROANS) All right? A-And, look, I'm not gonna mess up our one chance at really being close by telling him I screwed up.
Their kid got into the school.
Victimless crime.
Yeah, until the bill comes.
Well, then we'll just order light.
Oh, good.
I'm starving.
So this works out perfectly.
I think I will just have the broth.
Jen, tonight's a night to splurge.
No, no.
I really need to lose some weight.
Who told you that? You said you were starving.
She's not as hungry as she thought she was.
Isn't that right, Jen? JEN: Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(QUIETLY): If you ever want to talk, call me.
You know what, I, uh I think, uh, this little plate of olives will fill me right up.
Greg, dude, you're gonna split the tomahawk steak for two with me.
But but that's a couple's dish.
Well, that's what we are.
We're a couple of brothers.
Come on, you-you got to split that with me.
'Kay.
Uh, but, Greg, what about all those filling olives? I mean, some of them are even stuffed.
No, no, no, no, no.
My, uh my-my brother wants to share an entrée with me, and-and we've never shared anything before.
Yes, but you could share a veggie burger.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I don't want a veggie burger.
Yeah, but Matt doesn't want a veggie burger.
Jen, do you want a veggie burger? Let's just get one, put it on the table, see what happens.
(QUIETLY): Uh, psst, Jen, this is the veggie burger.
For later, when Greg's not looking.
Thank you.
Okay, I'm dying to know.
What did you write in the letter? - Who remembers? (CHUCKLES) - (CHUCKLES) Well, can we have a copy? I - don't think that is allowed.
- No.
Oh, come on, man.
Just, like, show us on your phone or something, you know? I mean, it's not like - we're gonna tell anyone.
- No.
Now? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh.
(SNORTS) Yeah, I It's not on my phone.
I-I - I sent that, uh, e-mail from my laptop.
- Yeah.
Oh.
Well, then it should still be on your phone.
Okay, does anyone else feel like Colleen is attacking me right now? Okay.
All right.
No, no, no, Colleen, back off.
Greg's my little brother, you know? He's just doing things the right way.
We'll-we'll just a copy from the school tomorrow.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
Um we did not write the letter.
But-but before you get upset, Matt, I-I just want you to think back very clearly on this night.
We never explicitly stated that we wrote the letter, so (CHUCKLES) Wow, man.
I can't believe you let us down.
We shared a bone, Greg.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
I am I am sorry, Matthew.
And, uh, why don't you let us share the bill, like brothers? How 'bout you pay for the whole thing? Sure.
That sounds fair.
Okay, well, if this is on us, um, 'scuse me, yeah, please throw this away.
I'm just gonna It took four years, but I'm finally done.
- Hi.
- Let's go get me a pig.
A pig? What are you talking about? You promised I could have one if I did everything on this list.
"Straight As, saved money for pig food, walked Pop-Pop's dog to learn responsibility.
" Oh.
Hey, hey, hey.
"Stop eating pork out of respect for pigs' lives.
" You didn't do that one.
I give you bacon every Saturday.
And I give it to Dad.
Tim.
We had a good thing going there, Sophia.
Ah, there's got to be a loophole here somewhere.
It's not notarized.
Oh.
Yes, it is.
(GROANS) What are we gonna do? Besides tell Jen to stop notarizing things for the kids.
We can't get her a pig.
Tim, we have to.
We promised her.
We can't teach her that promises are just meaningless.
We can get her something she wants even more.
Are you saying that we should bribe our daughter? Yes.
Oh, great.
I just wanted to make sure that we were on the same page.
Hey.
I was just thinking of names for my pig.
- HEATHER: Ooh.
- What do you like better, Kevin Bacon or Kiefer Sutherland? Obviously, both are strong.
Yeah, you're right.
I'll just have to meet him and see what fits.
Mm.
Okay, so, first of all, we are so proud of you for accomplishing everything on that list.
- So, so proud.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm not getting a pig, am I? Well, we were thinking that maybe there was something you wanted even more than a pig.
Like what? - Like a ficus.
- Ho, ho, ho.
Mom, Mom, how is that better than a pig? - Hey, how about sea monkeys? - Ooh! Monkeys are way cooler than pigs.
Those are brine shrimp.
Shrimp are way cooler than pigs.
Listen, there's got to be something that you want other than a pig.
I don't know.
Maybe a cell phone.
(SIGHS) Oh, come on.
We talked about that.
No.
You're 11.
You really expect us to buy you a cell phone? No.
I expect you to get me a pig like you promised.
Okay, fine, we'll get you a cell phone, but we use parental controls, and I get to check it whenever I want to.
And no case.
But what if I drop it? All right, a decent case, but not a great one.
I guess that's okay.
Okay, joke is on her, because I was willing to go as high as a car.
Hmm! You guys know she wanted a phone all along, right? No, she wanted a pig.
That's why she asked for a pig.
Try to keep up, Sam.
Really? She talks to me about getting a cell phone every week.
When was the last time she even mentioned a pig? Yesterday, and then there was that one time before that she mentioned - I don't know.
Well, you tell her, Tim.
- Aah! All right, look.
See this? This is a pig binder.
Picture of a pig.
No cell phone on it.
A happy little fat pig.
And inside, you'll find more drawings of pigs.
And then in here, blank pages.
"Pig equals cell phone.
" That's written over and over again.
This is also "pig equals cell phone," a little more emphatically.
There's lots of pages of that.
And then, well, that's just a picture of a cell phone.
- Damn, she got us.
- She played us, Tim.
And honestly, I gotta tell you, babe, she didn't even have to try that hard.
I'm sorry, guys.
It sucks to have one of your own kids lie to you.
- (HEATHER SIGHS) - Uh, anyway, I'm off to the library to study with Jenna.
You know, don't wait up.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
Bye, sweetie.
Have fun at the library! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Hold on.
Get back here, Sam.
Here's 30 bucks.
Buy yourself some books.
Well, at least we still have one kid we can trust.
- Right.
- (DOOR CLOSES) Mm.
What are we gonna do about Sophia? Well, I think we're just gonna have to give her what she wants.
Oh.
Hey, honey.
- Hi.
- Listen, your dad is home, and he has something that is going to make you very happy.
Wait.
Seriously? My own cell phone? Oh, no, no, no.
Way better than that, right, Tim? Yup! Here he is.
(SOFT SNORTING) What the heck is that? Well, this is a promise.
Sophia, meet Kevin.
- (LOW GROWLING) - Oh.
Oh, is there a problem? Yeah, you wanted a pig, right? I did.
I do.
I-I just wanted the little teacup pig, you know, that small one from the farm.
Oh, no.
I know.
No, this is him! Yeah, he grew up.
He's gonna be 200 pounds before you know it.
That's how much I weigh.
Did you see the look on her face? That was some solid parenting.
- Yeah, that'll teach her to play a player.
- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS) - (SOFT SNORTING) Hang on.
What? Oh, honey, no.
Don't touch a thing.
It's Sophia's pig.
This is all her responsibility.
Boy, I'd hate to be Sophia tomorrow.
- (CHUCKLES) You're okay.
- I'm good.
Tim? Oh.
Yes.
- Can I talk to you? - Sure.
So okay, if Heather were having a problem with her testicles, would you go to her dad about it? Do you mean ovaries? 'Cause then I'd go to her mom.
(LAUGHS) No.
Right, of course.
But, no, what if they were balls? Heather's balls? Yeah, now you're getting it.
So, would you go to John if Heather's balls felt a little funky? Yes? Good, 'cause Tyler's got a lump on one of his balls.
My big boy's balls? Oh, no.
Yeah, I'm worried, but he won't do anything about it.
All right, I'll talk to him.
Thank you.
It's the left one.
- His left.
- Right.
(EXPLOSIVE POPS IN GAME) - (KNOCKING) - TIM: Hey, bud.
Cool if I hang? Oh.
Beanbag chair, right? Nature's lumpy mass.
(CHUCKLES, SIGHS) - Those words don't make sense together.
- Just saying.
I don't care how many lumps I find in my bean sack.
(CHUCKLES) So Clementine told you? Yeah.
In the weirdest way possible.
It'll probably just go away, like when my black toenail fell off and there was another one underneath.
I know you're scared, and you obviously know nothing about the human body, but that's why you're lucky you got an old man like me, who's a doctor, knows everything about the body.
- Do you need help? - No.
No.
I'm good.
Oh! (SUCKS IN THROUGH TEETH) Aah.
That was bone on wood.
(CHUCKLES) Look, why don't you just let Doctor Dad take a look at it and flop it out? That is never going to happen.
You're uncomfortable, I see that.
Would it help if I showed you mine first? (UNZIPPING) How about I just go see a doctor who's not my father? Attaboy.
You show those balls who's boss.
So, Tyler, big guy, how's, uh, your potatoes? Dad, they are fine.
What are you guys talking about? Mm.
It's definitely not potatoes.
Tyler has a lump on one of his testicles.
- (COUGHS) - (GROANS) Clem! What? Why didn't you tell me? Because it's private.
Now, tell everyone what the doctor said.
I don't know, he-he-he-he put it under a microscope and said that everything was good.
That's not how that exam goes.
Well, he-he smushed them in that machine, and he took a picture.
That's a mammogram.
I can't believe you didn't go.
I can't believe we're talking about this at the dinner table.
You need to get yourself to a doctor.
You're not a little kid anymore.
Heather, stop cutting his meat! I don't want him to choke.
Well, we both need to stop treating him like a little kid.
He's a grown-up, and he needs to take care of himself.
Okay, if we stop talking about this right now, I will go to the doctor, like an adult.
("OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM" PLAYING) Look, guys, I know it feels like it's really hard right now, but you're going to look back on kindergarten as the best year of your life.
Quack, quack, here and a quack, quack there Trust me.
Okay, skivvies down.
Now, remember, only your doctor or your parents should touch you in the bathing suit area.
Or my wife.
I don't hear that a lot in the choo choo room.
Okay.
(GRUNTS) So Uh, Tyler.
You still pursuing being an astronaut? Yes.
Good, good.
A little cold.
Well, uh, I don't think you have anything to worry about, but you know, I usually check testicles when they've been smashed on the monkey bars or smashed on the bike bars or smashed with a baseball.
- You know, smash-related ouchies.
- Uh-huh.
But I think it wouldn't hurt if you were to see an adult doctor.
Um, since that's what you are.
So you won't be my doctor anymore? Good luck, son.
Oh, and don't forget to stop at the treasure chest on the way out.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you for everything everything, Doctor.
Oh, let's hold that hug until you pull those pants up.
Okay.
All right, it's just a cyst, it's harmless, nothing to worry about.
That's a relief.
I'm so glad I did this.
Actually, before you get dressed, I want to rule out one other thing.
Okay, no problem.
Turn around, put your elbows on the table.
Try not to clench.
Why would I clench? - Great attitude.
- (CHUCKLES) (GROANS): Thank you Is this a real test? (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) It's happened.
I got horrible news about my dad.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
And he almost made it to 100.
No, no.
My mom's leaving him.
At the mortuary? No, he's not dead.
My mom wants a divorce.
She's leaving him.
Well, she's bedridden.
How can she leave anyone? You know, I'm from a broken home now.
I'm a latchkey kid.
No, sweetie.
That's only if you're preadolescent.
Aw, hell.
I got to spend Christmas going to two separate nursing homes? I don't know what you're making, but it better be pureed.
My parents are coming for dinner tonight.
What are you up to? Well, my parents, uh, they need a reminder of why they fell in love, so tonight, I'm playing Cupid.
Uh, do you remember when you built that wooden menorah - for your friend Shlomo? - (CHUCKLES): Yeah.
Yeah, right.
And he stayed with us for two months while they rebuilt his house after the fire? Yeah.
Mm.
That was a better idea than this.
Oh! Maybe we should do this one at a time.
Well, they're lovebirds.
They want to be together.
You're hurting me! - Oh! - (LAUGHS) See? They just get each other.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Take as much time as you need.
Oh, shut up.
Hey, wow.
(CHUCKLES) Mom, Dad, um, I've got an idea.
Tell us how you first met.
We were set up by her friend Vivian.
She was buxom.
And a communist.
Ha.
- Honey - What? would you help me grind the steak, please? She was a socialist.
I think it's so good that you're trying to save your parents' marriage.
But they really don't have anything in common anymore.
Joanie, what dinner are you at? You know, that stuff about Vivian the buxom communist, it's electric.
We've been sitting there for over an hour and they've barely said a word to each other.
They're agreeing on everything.
Don't you understand, Joanie? If they get divorced, it changes everything.
All my memories are lies.
The birthdays, the holidays, it's they're all gone.
No, honey.
I remember when Martin Luther King was shot, and, and I was devastated, and they took me to the movies and they gave me popcorn, and for two hours, everything was normal, everything was okay.
No, we watched that on Mad Men.
Do you have to crap on all my memories, Joanie? Oh, wow.
And here's us camping in the Sierras.
Huh? Hey, Dad, doesn't Mom look beautiful? She looks like Moe Howard.
Well, a-a sexy Moe Howard, huh? Uh, and doesn't Dad look handsome? He was a bad lover.
It's hard to get tight in the undies with Moe Howard.
(SCOFFS) Okay, enough.
I don't understand why you're acting like you hate each other.
Huh? You've, you guys have had a beautiful marriage for 70 years.
Why throw it away now? We've always hated each other.
We only stayed together for you.
What? But you are so healthy, we realize we're not gonna outlive you.
The plan was to stay together until I died? You were a fighter pilot.
We just assumed.
So you were disappointed when I came home alive? (BOTH MUMBLING) Look, I-I just don't understand.
I mean, you guys are in your 90s, why split up now? I want to play the field.
I think I might be into guys.
Huh.
So I need to give up the fight to keep them together.
Yeah.
My only regret is you didn't try and stop me sooner.
Yes.
I-I regret that, too.
Mm-hmm.
It's a sad day for me, but I'm gonna tell them that I'm gonna handle all the details of the divorce.
Dad, is Mom okay? No, I think she died.
Oh.
Oh, no.
- Oh, son.
- Hmm? Could you help me install Grindr on my smartphone? Thank you so much.
Bye-bye.
All right, sweetie.
We're all set.
I think it's gonna be a very nice service.
(CHUCKLES) What? Oh, they made it, Joanie.
70 loving years of marriage.
(CHUCKLES) (EXHALES) Ah