Magnum, P.I. (1980) s04e10 Episode Script
Operation: Silent Night
We're trapped on an island that's used for gunnery practice.
We're all gonna die.
(Magnum) Who's gonna order gunnery exercises on Christmas Eve? l am.
By the time we're through, l don't want to see an ant left alive in that place.
There are no pirates or cannibals on this island.
There is nothing on this island.
Hurry up! Throw me a vine! l'm going down quick! (Higgins) My last will and testament.
* We wish you a Merry Christmas * * We wish you a Merry Christmas ** We're gonna die.
Oh, my God.
(Magnum) One of the things about Paradise that takes some getting used to is the change of seasons.
There aren't any.
I mean, there are rainy seasons and dryer times but no real winter, summer, spring and fall.
It's just one more beautiful sunset blending into another gorgeous sunrise into another exquisite sunset.
And so on.
So, sometimes the only way you know it's the Christmas season is by looking at the calendar or by going into the department stores or by just looking at the flush of goodwill and cheer on the faces of your friends.
(T.
C.
) You don't like it, you can all just go ahead and jump.
(Rick) Well, this isn't fair.
We're gonna be late because you overbooked us.
Who says? (all) We do! Well, you get what you pay for.
And none of you paid.
Where is your holiday spirit? Back home in New Orleans.
Which is where l'm gonna be as soon as Captain Calvin's Charity Chopper drops all you freeloaders off.
(Higgins) l am not a freeloader.
Mr.
Masters will remunerate you for your time and service.
Yeah, one out of three ain't bad.
Even after l drop you off on Molokai l still gotta drop Orville off on Maui.
Then l gotta take Thomas to the Big lsland.
(Magnum) lt's just a slight detour, T.
C.
Yeah, and then bust my blades getting back to the Honolulu lnternational to catch the red-eye back home.
(Magnum) Yeah, but doesn't it feel good to be doing this? For your friends? No.
The gift of giving.
And taking.
Now, come on, T.
C.
, you're just being silly.
Me? [laughs.]
Me, silly? Come on, guys, l'm doing this for a good cause.
Ho, ho, ho, Magnum.
Hey, come on, this is a mission of mercy.
l'm gonna spend my entire Christmas entertaining those little kids.
And their grown-up teacher.
Sheryl.
(Magnum) Hey, what about Tiny Tim up here? That's not funny.
Yeah.
The First Annual Santa's Little Helper Beauty Contest at Lahaina.
(Rick) l'm a judge.
Judge not, lest you be judged.
What? (T.
C.
) He meant you're going to owe me for this one.
Santa's Little Helpers.
Bah, humbug.
(Higgins) My sentiments precisely.
The tawdry trivialization and cheap commercialization of perhaps the most sacred moment in human history indeed typifies the decay and decline of Western Civilization as we know it.
l thought l was just going to judge a beauty contest.
Yeah, and what's this urgent business you have for Robin Masters on Molokai, Higgins? The foreman of Mr.
Masters' banana plantation suddenly quit.
The workers are without their Christmas bonuses.
l'm to.
[whirring.]
Uh-oh.
What? (Higgins) The tail rotor? Uh-huh.
High frequency vibes.
(Rick) ls that serious? Depends how badly you want to stay up in the air.
l gotta put her down.
(Higgins) Where? Frenchman's lsland? (Rick) T.
C.
, does it have to be here? (T.
C.
) Well, either we land here or we swim.
Extraordinary.
Takes me back to the time-- (Magnum) Not now, Higgins.
Hold on.
[crashing.]
You guys all right back there? Actually, we're fine.
Magnum's beard seems to be slightly askew, but other than that-- (T.
C.
) l don't want to hear it, Higgins.
Hey, you know what this place is? Of course.
lt's an island.
lt's a free-fire island.
The Navy uses it for gunnery practice.
Yeah, but it doesn't look like it's been shelled around here in a long time.
Extraordinary.
The last time l was under live artillery fire was in the Suez.
(Higgins) As you can well imagine-- Higgins, l don't want to hear it.
Go get me the tool box.
[birds chirping.]
Hurry up, will you, Higgins? This place gives me the creeps.
(Higgins) Quite.
Although what you are feeling, would more aptly be described as the willies.
Come on, guys.
Let's back up and give T.
C.
some breathing space.
l'm sure whatever the problem is, it's relatively minor.
Just a loose nut or something.
He'll just find it, tighten that sucker up.
We'll be out of here.
[sighing.]
All right.
Got it.
Just a loose bolt in my pitch change link.
The cotter pin came out.
Good.
That means we can get out of here.
Yeah, you got it, buddy.
Just go hop right in.
Thanks, T.
C.
Good work.
Thank you, T.
C.
l knew you can do it.
Ho, ho! Hello, Santa's Little Helpers.
Bye-bye, barrage.
[mumbling.]
Watch your hand.
[exhaling.]
Well, l guess those banana workers will have their Christmas after all.
And those orphans.
(Higgins) Pity.
What? Nothing.
Nothing.
l was just thinking of the fun we could have had.
Fun? Come on, T.
C.
Let's hit it.
(T.
C.
) l'm trying.
[buzzing.]
Damn.
What's going on? l don't know.
l do.
This oversized eggbeater isn't starting.
We are going to stay right here.
This is your fault, T.
C.
My fault? Why is it my fault? (Rick) You got it, because you overbooked us.
Oh, guys, guys.
Calm down.
Quit arguing.
Let's be rational.
Everything's gonna be all right.
T.
C.
will find the problem and fix it.
l mean, so what if we are gonna be here a little while longer maybe an hour or two.
Who's gonna order gunnery exercises on Christmas Eve? (Quintin) I am.
Commencing at 2400 hours.
That's midnight Christmas Eve, sir.
l mean, the men thought.
The men thought? That is, this is a time when the men want to be with their families, sir.
Are you aware, Ensign, of the absolute abysmal record of this ship in field marksmanship? Yes, sir, in our last exercises we were-- Dead last.
Yes, sir.
But l'm certain we can do better next time.
You're damn right they'll do better.
They'll do better because every man in this unit is gonna learn the meaning of the word dedication.
l am not gonna be embarrassed the next time their scores are posted.
We understand each other? Yes, sir.
What do you want me to do, sir? What l want you to do is to cancel all leaves.
Select targets.
And set sail immediately for Frenchman's lsland.
And when we get there, destroy it.
By the time we're through, l don't want to see an ant left alive in that place.
Aye, aye, sir.
[seagulls cawing.]
How long? l don't know.
Oh, that's great.
Just great.
Now l'm gonna miss the beauty pageant.
Possibly.
But think of the glorious adventure we can have here on this isle.
l don't like adventures.
What's wrong with this thing? (T.
C.
) l don't know.
lt could be the exciter.
lt could be the points.
Hey, why don't you just bang on it, with a ball peen hammer like you did that time in Bin Loc? lt started right up.
Because it might not be the exciter.
We've only got one shot with that thing.
We make a mistake, we melt the whole engine down.
Melt the engine? Yeah, then it could be the voltage regulator, it could be the battery it could be the ignition, it could be the starter button.
l don't know.
l gotta check everything.
This could take-- Days.
What a marvelous challenge.
Just the four of us against the elements.
Survival of the fittest.
What are you talking about? What elements? Man against nature.
Civilization versus-- Higgins, this is not a boy scout overnight.
We're trapped on an island that's used for gunnery practice.
We're all gonna die here.
Oh, Rick, take it easy.
Nobody's gonna die.
Come here, give me a hand with this, will you? Come on.
l mean, no one is going to authorize gunnery exercises on Christmas Eve.
lt's real simple.
l'll just get on the radio call the Coast Guard.
And they'll pick us up.
Magnum, for once in your life you are being mundanely practical.
How utterly unlike you.
However, it could take hours before they get here.
We could utilize the time to explore and forage.
What a pity the lads aren't here to enjoy this.
Mayday.
Mayday.
This is 905 Alpha.
Mayday.
Mayday.
**[man singing.]
(Rick) What is that? **[man singing.]
What is that? (Higgins) Ukulele Lady.
Written in 1925 by Gus Kahn, Richard Whiting and lrving Berlin.
The gentleman who is singing it is obviously intoxicated.
Not only has he transposed the verses but he has discovered a key heretofore unknown to the human ear.
Higgins! Hey, man, are you sure you got that thing on 1 21 .
5? There's something wrong with the frequency selector.
Keeps drifting off the band.
(Higgins) So does he.
Mayday.
Mayday.
This-- [man speaking foreign language.]
Mayday! Mayday! Hey, do l have to do everything? Fly you here, fly you there, fix the chopper.
Talk on the microphone.
Crash.
Hey, l was doing you guys the favor.
You with your beauty pageants your girlfriends, and your urgent missions.
l am the one going to see my family for the first time in six years.
Okay, okay, l'm sorry.
l'm really sorry.
Mayday.
Mayday.
[static buzzing.]
[beeping.]
Mayday.
Mayday.
Better save the battery.
No, no, don't give up.
Somebody might answer.
No, it's not transmitting.
Landing so hard must've jarred something loose.
Great.
Now we'll never get out of here.
Rick, the Coast Guard will come looking for us as soon as they realize we're overdue at Molokai.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about.
Well in the meantime, l will begin to forage food for our supper.
What food? What supper? Who says we're gonna be here that long? [sighing.]
What can l do to help? Nothing.
Well, how long is this gonna take? Look, Rick, give me some breathing room.
Rick, come on, let's go look for some wood for a signal fire.
Come on.
Go! Okay, l'm going, l'm going.
Hey, Thomas, Thomas.
Wait up.
You're going too fast.
l don't like this place.
lt's quiet.
Yeah.
Too quiet.
Oh, sure, very funny.
Joke around.
l can't help it.
You're just so serious.
Well, excuse me.
That's my natural reaction when my life is in danger.
Of course, l could have a more mature attitude be a clown, have a few laughs.
Rick, your life is not in danger.
That's debatable.
Hell, this place is spooky.
lt reminds me of Nam.
[bees buzzing.]
Thomas, there's something l got to tell you.
l don't know.
Just in case we don't get out of here.
Well when l was a little kid l did something that, you well, l'm not real proud of.
ln fact, l'm darned right ashamed of it.
Rick! Don't.
No, no.
No! l got to get it off my chest.
Don't move a muscle.
What? Stand absolutely still.
What? There's a A bug! in your shirt.
[screaming.]
[laughing.]
That isn't funny! [exclaiming.]
[laughing.]
(Quintin) lt's tragic.
Very tragic.
A whole generation of fighting men without any real experience in fighting.
Of course, that's all reflected in our ship's poor ratings.
l'm going to change all that, Jensen.
The men work hard, sir.
lt takes more than hard work.
Sometimes it takes a war.
l'm afraid this is not going to be much of a Christmas, is it? No, sir, l suppose it isn't.
Well, you'll have other Christmases.
Your Christmases.
l've had mine.
An ice breaker in the Antarctic.
A gunboat in the Delta.
A stray escort in the North Atlantic.
Just like the good old days.
Yes, sir.
Okay, 10 hours 43 minutes.
Clear this away.
l'd like to take a look at that map again.
Yes, sir.
(T.
C.
) * Oh, when the sun beats down * * and burns the tar up on the roof * * And your shoes get so hot * * you wish your tired feet * * were fire-proof * * Under the boardwalk * * Down by the sea * * On a blanket with my baby * * That's where l'll be * * Under the boardwalk * * Out of the sun * * Under the boardwalk * * We'll be having some fun * * Under the boardwalk * * People up above * * Under the boardwalk * * We'll be making love * * Under the boardwalk * (both) * Boardwalk ** How's it going, T.
C.
? lt's going.
Any luck? What's that? Will you stop that? No.
l'm serious.
Listen, don't you hear it? [helicopter approaching.]
A chopper.
lt's the Coast Guard! Hey! (all) Hey! Help! Hey! Damn.
They'll be back.
They will.
Once we get a signal fire started, they can't miss us.
Where's Higgins? (T.
C.
) Exploring and foraging.
He never came back? Maybe we'd better go look for him.
Oh, he's probably having a good old time.
Like Stewart Granger in King Solomon's Mines or something.
Stewart Granger was trapped in a cave.
Yeah, but he got out.
lt was really neat.
l'm going to go look for him.
You should've seen what happened-- (Magnum) Come on.
[birds chirping.]
(Magnum) Are you sure this is the direction he went in? This is the direction he went in when he started.
(Rick) Now that's just great.
That just means he could be anywhere.
l don't like this place.
(both) Rick! Okay.
[insects chirping.]
Look.
Footprints.
Holy cow.
A peg leg.
That's not a peg leg.
lt's a.
What? What has one left foot and a stick for the right? Robinson Crusoe? [sighing.]
Come on, l'm sure there's a logical explanation for all this.
Aye, pirates, me hearties.
Cannibals.
Are you guys both going crazy? There are no pirates or cannibals on this island.
There is nothing on this island.
Nothing! All right, then where is Higgins? Probably simmering in a pot right now.
We'd better find him and find him fast.
[chuckling.]
Come on.
(Rick) l saw this movie once called, The Island.
There were these pirate guys on this island.
Now, when they were on this island, nobody knew that they-- [shushing.]
[leaves rustling.]
Listen.
(Higgins) Oh, my God.
Higgins! Higgins! Really.
Must the three of you act like cannibals? The peg leg.
And he was dragging that plant covering up the other footprint.
[exclaims.]
My God, has the jungle gotten to you so soon? Pull yourselves together, lads.
For l have made a most astounding discovery.
Exhilarating, actually.
(Magnum) lt's a wrecked plane, so? (T.
C.
) What's so exhilarating about that? To you, perhaps, it is a wrecked plane.
To me, it is a way out of here.
What are you talking about, Higgins? lt reminds me of the time l was stranded on an island off the northern coast of Africa.
l had been wounded and rendered unconscious for what must have been a full week.
lmagine my surprise when l woke to find that l-- Can you cut to the part where you get to the wrecked plane? Oh.
Quite.
Magnum, l think you'll find this quite interesting.
[bird hooting.]
Magnum? l think we've found more than just a plane.
There's another guy who didn't make it off the island.
Rick.
(Rick) Well, sorry.
lmperial Air Force.
And from the looks of the plane a reconnaissance pilot.
Must've been the pilot who scouted the Pearl Harbor attack.
(Higgins) That's quite possible.
This gentleman then was responsible for a heavy loss of life.
lncluding his own.
(Higgins) Quite.
(Magnum) MlA.
(Higgins) What? He's probably listed as an MlA.
Yeah, well, l bet you his family's through looking for him.
Come on, Higgins, what's your plan? What are you doing, Magnum? l'm looking for a serial number.
l'm sure there's somebody who would like to know he's not missing any more.
Thomas, we've got to get out of here ourselves.
Plus we got to get the fire started.
We got to get the chopper-- He may have been on the other side.
But he was a soldier.
Just doing his job.
Yeah, l know where you're coming from.
lt could have been any one of us.
[Higgins mumbling.]
Back to the living.
Us.
This way, gentlemen.
This, of course, will rank as one of my most crowning achievements.
What's he talking about now? (Rick) You know, Higgins, you're really a genius.
How're you going to get it to fly? l'm not going to get it to fly.
l'm going to get it to float.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Well, l guess that will work, too.
l don't see how.
Oh, ye of paltry imaginations, must l spell everything out? (T.
C.
) Something.
As you can see, this aircraft is constructed of stressed aluminum.
This light-weight material contributed to its considerable range.
You may find this interesting, most people don't realize-- Higgins, please.
Can we save the stories until we get out of here.
Quite right, Rick.
Well, let's get to it.
Get to what? l propose that we shear off the top of the fuselage, remove the engines discard the wings, patch those areas with woven palm fronds using glue made from the remnants of petroleum in the wing tanks and gum from the tires thereby creating essentially an outrigger canoe enabling us to sail the blazes away.
You saw, Flight of the Phoenix.
To Molokai.
You're crazy.
Oh, l think that's a bit harsh, T.
C.
Overly optimistic, perhaps, but.
Crazy.
That's what they said about Columbus.
And he discovered America.
ln a boat.
Not in a Japanese plane.
l mean, if you're so set on taking a cruise you might as well take the flotation devices off the chopper.
Sort of floating hors d'oeuvres for the sharks? No, thank you.
l intend to make this into a seaworthy vessel if l have to do it by myself.
Now are you going to assist in this endeavor or not? Well, sure, Higgins.
Of course we'll help.
(Higgins) Thank you, Magnum.
lt also took some time for Columbus to be appreciated.
He was looking for lndia.
What can we do? Well, if someone will retrieve the hacksaw from T.
C.
's toolbox l'll make the incisions.
Then, we'll need wood for the fire and palm fronds for the patching.
The greener the better.
The thicker the better.
Great, Higgins.
We'll give it the old college try.
Good.
Are you serious? Oh, come on, T.
C.
What can it hurt to try? Besides, this is the time of year where you're supposed to enjoy helping each other out.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Well.
You help.
You take care of the important stuff.
l'm going to go see if l can get the chopper working.
l'll see what l can find.
The greener the better.
The thicker the better.
Quite.
This is a terrific idea.
Terrific.
Thank you.
You know, Higgins there's something that l always wanted to tell you.
l mean, deep down, you're really an okay guy.
How reassuring.
Higgins there's something that, well.
l mean there's something that l want to get off my chest.
lt's about my cousin, Jenny.
l'm not real proud of it.
ln fact, l'm downright ashamed of it.
lt was in the fourth grade and after school l-- Rick, please, this is no time for long boring and irrelevant stories.
Now go and collect those palm fronds.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Sure.
Big and green.
Big and green.
Big and green.
Big and green.
Wants big and green.
l'll get big and green.
That's big and green.
[quicksand bubbling.]
Oh, God! Quicksand.
Thomas! Thomas! Higgins! Higgins! Thomas! T.
C.
! Help me, l'm sinking! Higgins! Thomas! Thomas! **[organ playing.]
Orville Rick Wright.
The best darn gunner in the Marine Corps.
lrresistible to women.
Legendary in the ring.
[sobbing.]
And.
And the greatest buddy a guy could ask for.
[sniffling.]
A keen mind and quick wit diplomatic, conscientious a terrific conversationalist.
He shall be sorely missed.
''Sorry l had to miss the funeral.
''Enjoy the Big Casino in the sky.
lce Pick.
'' [T.
C.
sobbing.]
[bells ringing.]
We're gonna miss you, pal.
No! (Magnum) Rick! Orville, what are you doing in there? l'm sinking in quicksand! Hurry up! Throw me a vine! l'm going down quick! Help me! Stand up.
What? Stand up.
[bees buzzing.]
[panting.]
You mean this.
This isn't.
No, it isn't.
lt's a bog.
There is no quicksand in Hawaii.
Oh.
(Magnum) Come on.
Wait.
l have to get my fronds.
Oh, yeah.
The Higgins Paradise Cruise's Luxury Liner.
[grunting.]
Watch out for that centipede.
What centipede? The one next to the lizard.
What lizard? [laughing.]
That's isn't funny! (Quintin) It's inspirational.
Sir? The way the men pull together to see a mission successfully completed.
Like our ship's gonna do tonight.
All right.
What've we got? Our choice of targets, sir.
Mmm-hmm.
(Jensen) Abandoned vehicles have been targeted across the island but the jungle has had the least amount of activity in prior exercises.
Well, that is.
No, no, continue.
Well, that is the targets would therefore be easily accounted for-- Easily? Well, l don't mean easy in the sense of shirking our duty, sir, l-- Don't you know a joke when you hear one, Ensign? Of course we'll shell the jungle.
Let me know when you're ready to commence firing.
Aye, aye, sir.
[crew chattering.]
(Higgins) And heave! And heave! And heave! [grunting.]
And heave! And heave! And heave! And heave! (Magnum) Hi, guys.
Oh, Magnum.
Good.
Give us a hand with this, will you? Oh, Higgins, l kind of got my hands full keeping the signal fire going.
Forget the fire, Thomas.
We're gonna get out of here on Higgins' boat.
[chuckles.]
l fail to find any humor in this, Magnum.
We need your assistance in getting this vessel to shore and we need it now.
Okay, Higgins.
l'll just put this wood on the fire and then l'll come back and give you guys a hand.
As your Commander-in-Chief, l order you to cease your current activities and report immediately to boat detail.
Higgins, that is not a boat.
That is a plane.
And you are not my Commander-in-Chief.
l must warn you, you're skating dangerously close to insubordination.
[sighing.]
Fine.
Fine.
You wanna play your little games? Fine! But you're going to have to wait till l put this wood on that fire.
l'm not gonna take another chance on the coastguard missing us again.
You know, you're the one who's always accusing me of acting like a kid.
Well, look at you.
You're like an overgrown Boy Scout trying to earn his Survival Merit Badge.
Now, okay.
Maybe you are right.
Maybe, for once, l am being practical even mundanely practical but l want to make sure that we get off of here.
So l'm going to walk up that beach and then l'm going to put this wood on that fire and then, and only then will l come back and help you guys out.
Quite.
And heave! (Higgins) And heave! And-- Come on.
A little to your left.
And mind the exposed root there.
We don't want to inflict any damage to the hull.
Don't push it, Higgins.
And heave! (T.
C.
) * That's the sound of the men * * working on the chain gang * * That's the sound of the men * * working on the chain gang * * All day long they work so hard * * Until the sun is ** Come on, you have to see this.
See what? Just come on.
Come on.
[sighing.]
lt isn't going to work.
Look how flimsy it is.
(Higgins) Nonsense.
The Zeus Apollo II is quite sturdy.
Zeus Apollo II? Named after its predecessor during the time l was on that island off the coast of Africa.
l thought l'd told you about that, Rick.
Oh.
Nevertheless, this incarnation, l have no doubt will be equally as successful as the original.
The original Titanic.
Scoff if you will.
But after l make a brief test run the four of us will set sail for Molokai.
Yeah, well, put me down for 4:00 shuffle board.
Come on, T.
C.
l mean, we gotta hand it to Higgins.
l thought this was a half-baked idea but it looks like it'll float.
Oh, it will float.
lt may be a trifle difficult to steer but it will float.
You can depend on that.
We shall be home in time for Christmas dinner.
Now, shove me off, lads.
(all) Heave! Heave! Heave! (Higgins) Actually, l think it's rather fitting that we find our way home in a small sailing vessel.
After all the Polynesians who first settled the lslands traveled great distances in canoes that were much smaller and more fragile than our sturdy little [laughing.]
craft.
''My rare edition of Military Maneuvers ''l bequeath to Agatha Chumley.
'' She'll like that.
[seagulls cawing.]
''My handcrafted replica ''of the bridge on the river Kwai ''l bequeath to ''Thomas ''Sullivan ''Magnum.
'' He's going to die on this godforsaken isle the same time l do.
''The bridge on the river Kwai ''and the rest of my possessions ''to go to the lads ''Apollo and Zeus.
'' They'll appreciate that.
Hi.
Where's Thomas? He'll be back in a minute.
Said he had something to do.
How're you coming along there? Closer.
l think l've narrowed it down considerably.
T.
C Mmm-hmm? there's something that l wanna tell you just in case we don't get out of here.
What? Well, it's something that l'm not real proud of.
ln fact, l'm downright ashamed of it.
Mmm-hmm? See, it's about my cousin, Jenny.
When l was in the fourth grade, l-- l already know about this, Rick.
You do? Yeah, you told me.
l did? Uh-huh.
At Khe Sanh when the mortar shells were coming in.
Of course later on you told me you were kidding.
Oh.
[sighing.]
Higgins still moping around on the beach? Yeah.
Excuse me.
Perhaps if l had reinforced the hull.
Hey! Looks like we got the fire going real strong.
Coast Guard will be able to see us for sure now once it gets dark.
Hey, come on, man.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
lt's not your fault that the plane.
l mean, the boat sank.
Too many years away from the field.
l'm afraid my survival skills have become dulled a bit.
lt could've worked.
Jonathan, it was a great try.
lt didn't work.
So what? We're still gonna get out of here.
Perhaps you're right.
Carry on, and all that.
There you go.
You called me Jonathan.
Yeah, l did, didn't l? Quite.
Well, then, let's get on with it.
Beg your pardon? Supper, man.
The human body cannot function without proper nourishment.
l've collected some rare vegetation which l think you'll find quite delectable.
Very similar to that cultivated in certain remote parts of Borneo.
l was there, you know.
[chuckling.]
(Magnum) Ho, ho, ho! * We wish you a Merry Christmas * * We wish you a Merry Christmas * * We wish you a Merry Christmas * * and a Happy New Year ** What is that? [laughing.]
lt's a Christmas tree.
This is what you've been spending all this time doing? (Magnum) Yeah.
Pretty good, huh? Absolutely defies description.
Well, what's Christmas Eve without a Christmas.
Rick, don't move.
There's a bug in your hair.
Sure there is.
Oh, no, really.
lt's a praying mantis.
Look, guys, l'm not going for it again.
''Rick, there's a bug in your pocket.
Rick, there's a centipede.
''Rick, there's a lizard.
'' Well, forget it.
l don't believe it anymore.
[Rick screaming.]
Now, where shall l put this? Perhaps, in an odd way, being stranded here has been good for us.
(Higgins) l, for one, have been so intent on getting everything done that needed to get done l'd completely lost track of the spirit of the season.
Yeah.
Me, too.
l'm really sorry you're gonna be late for your family reunion.
Ah You'll still make Kwanza.
Kwanza? Oh, yeah.
lt's the national Afro-American holiday with its roots in Africa celebrates among other things, unity, creativity and faith.
l was going to celebrate with my whole family this year.
Well, what do you say to seconds all around? No, thanks, Higgins, l'm really stuffed.
Oh, no.
l've been on a break too long as it is.
l think l'll go and try and tear that voltage regulator apart and see if we can get her started.
Anybody wanna hold a flashlight? (Rick) l'll do it.
How about you, Magnum? l'm trying to cut back on my intake of roots and berries.
(Higgins) lt must be more filling than l anticipated.
The three of you ate such meager portions.
You don't think it was a bitbland? No.
Higgins, look l kind of want to apologize for before.
Apologize? Yeah, you know.
For being insubordinate.
lt's quite understandable.
l've seen it happen many times in the heat of battle, on the front especially during the holidays.
Men are more lonely then, more prone to snap.
Your momentary lapse is quite excusable.
l will, of course, keep it out of print.
Out of print? My memoirs.
l, of course, have spent many a Christmas away from home and family.
More times than l care to remember and in more places than l care to remember.
Forgotten battlefields, and sometimes, even forgotten wars.
l think being at war makes Christmas all the more bittersweet.
Peace on earth and goodwill toward men and all that.
l say, Magnum the night NATO signal for commence firing.
lsn't that a.
Red flare, yellow flare, green flare.
You don't suppose that red flare out there is a.
Come on.
T.
C.
! (Jensen) Recon spotted a fire on the west beach, sir.
Damn! Some hotshot's been bobbing in our barrel.
Blast them, Jensen.
But, sir, they're-- (Quintin) Now! Yes, sir.
Get ready, Thomas.
Now! [ticking.]
Come on, T.
C.
l'm only up to 6%%.
l've only got enough juice in the battery for one start.
l don't know why everyone's getting so hysterical.
The likelihood of a direct hit is so astronomically high that-- (Magnum) Higgins! They're at yellow now.
We're gonna die.
[exclaiming.]
T.
C.
! Thirteen percent! That's close enough! No! We might melt the engine down.
Green.
My God! Good shot.
First round was right on target, sir.
Thank you, Ensign.
Ensign? Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, sir.
Fifteen percent! l'm gonna light it.
Let's get the hell out of here! Well, looks like those kids are gonna get to see Santa Claus after all.
Or a reasonable facsimile.
Merry Christmas, gentlemen.
Merry Christmas, Higgins.
You too, Rick.
Happy Kwanza to you, T.
C.
Hey, thanks.
Same to you guys.
Aloha! (Rick) Hey, T.
C.
? You remember what l said about my cousin, Jenny? (T.
C.
) Yeah.
Well, l was just kidding.
[laughing.]
(Magnum) * Silent night * * Holy night * (all) * All is calm * * All is bright * * Round yon Virgin Mother and Child **
We're all gonna die.
(Magnum) Who's gonna order gunnery exercises on Christmas Eve? l am.
By the time we're through, l don't want to see an ant left alive in that place.
There are no pirates or cannibals on this island.
There is nothing on this island.
Hurry up! Throw me a vine! l'm going down quick! (Higgins) My last will and testament.
* We wish you a Merry Christmas * * We wish you a Merry Christmas ** We're gonna die.
Oh, my God.
(Magnum) One of the things about Paradise that takes some getting used to is the change of seasons.
There aren't any.
I mean, there are rainy seasons and dryer times but no real winter, summer, spring and fall.
It's just one more beautiful sunset blending into another gorgeous sunrise into another exquisite sunset.
And so on.
So, sometimes the only way you know it's the Christmas season is by looking at the calendar or by going into the department stores or by just looking at the flush of goodwill and cheer on the faces of your friends.
(T.
C.
) You don't like it, you can all just go ahead and jump.
(Rick) Well, this isn't fair.
We're gonna be late because you overbooked us.
Who says? (all) We do! Well, you get what you pay for.
And none of you paid.
Where is your holiday spirit? Back home in New Orleans.
Which is where l'm gonna be as soon as Captain Calvin's Charity Chopper drops all you freeloaders off.
(Higgins) l am not a freeloader.
Mr.
Masters will remunerate you for your time and service.
Yeah, one out of three ain't bad.
Even after l drop you off on Molokai l still gotta drop Orville off on Maui.
Then l gotta take Thomas to the Big lsland.
(Magnum) lt's just a slight detour, T.
C.
Yeah, and then bust my blades getting back to the Honolulu lnternational to catch the red-eye back home.
(Magnum) Yeah, but doesn't it feel good to be doing this? For your friends? No.
The gift of giving.
And taking.
Now, come on, T.
C.
, you're just being silly.
Me? [laughs.]
Me, silly? Come on, guys, l'm doing this for a good cause.
Ho, ho, ho, Magnum.
Hey, come on, this is a mission of mercy.
l'm gonna spend my entire Christmas entertaining those little kids.
And their grown-up teacher.
Sheryl.
(Magnum) Hey, what about Tiny Tim up here? That's not funny.
Yeah.
The First Annual Santa's Little Helper Beauty Contest at Lahaina.
(Rick) l'm a judge.
Judge not, lest you be judged.
What? (T.
C.
) He meant you're going to owe me for this one.
Santa's Little Helpers.
Bah, humbug.
(Higgins) My sentiments precisely.
The tawdry trivialization and cheap commercialization of perhaps the most sacred moment in human history indeed typifies the decay and decline of Western Civilization as we know it.
l thought l was just going to judge a beauty contest.
Yeah, and what's this urgent business you have for Robin Masters on Molokai, Higgins? The foreman of Mr.
Masters' banana plantation suddenly quit.
The workers are without their Christmas bonuses.
l'm to.
[whirring.]
Uh-oh.
What? (Higgins) The tail rotor? Uh-huh.
High frequency vibes.
(Rick) ls that serious? Depends how badly you want to stay up in the air.
l gotta put her down.
(Higgins) Where? Frenchman's lsland? (Rick) T.
C.
, does it have to be here? (T.
C.
) Well, either we land here or we swim.
Extraordinary.
Takes me back to the time-- (Magnum) Not now, Higgins.
Hold on.
[crashing.]
You guys all right back there? Actually, we're fine.
Magnum's beard seems to be slightly askew, but other than that-- (T.
C.
) l don't want to hear it, Higgins.
Hey, you know what this place is? Of course.
lt's an island.
lt's a free-fire island.
The Navy uses it for gunnery practice.
Yeah, but it doesn't look like it's been shelled around here in a long time.
Extraordinary.
The last time l was under live artillery fire was in the Suez.
(Higgins) As you can well imagine-- Higgins, l don't want to hear it.
Go get me the tool box.
[birds chirping.]
Hurry up, will you, Higgins? This place gives me the creeps.
(Higgins) Quite.
Although what you are feeling, would more aptly be described as the willies.
Come on, guys.
Let's back up and give T.
C.
some breathing space.
l'm sure whatever the problem is, it's relatively minor.
Just a loose nut or something.
He'll just find it, tighten that sucker up.
We'll be out of here.
[sighing.]
All right.
Got it.
Just a loose bolt in my pitch change link.
The cotter pin came out.
Good.
That means we can get out of here.
Yeah, you got it, buddy.
Just go hop right in.
Thanks, T.
C.
Good work.
Thank you, T.
C.
l knew you can do it.
Ho, ho! Hello, Santa's Little Helpers.
Bye-bye, barrage.
[mumbling.]
Watch your hand.
[exhaling.]
Well, l guess those banana workers will have their Christmas after all.
And those orphans.
(Higgins) Pity.
What? Nothing.
Nothing.
l was just thinking of the fun we could have had.
Fun? Come on, T.
C.
Let's hit it.
(T.
C.
) l'm trying.
[buzzing.]
Damn.
What's going on? l don't know.
l do.
This oversized eggbeater isn't starting.
We are going to stay right here.
This is your fault, T.
C.
My fault? Why is it my fault? (Rick) You got it, because you overbooked us.
Oh, guys, guys.
Calm down.
Quit arguing.
Let's be rational.
Everything's gonna be all right.
T.
C.
will find the problem and fix it.
l mean, so what if we are gonna be here a little while longer maybe an hour or two.
Who's gonna order gunnery exercises on Christmas Eve? (Quintin) I am.
Commencing at 2400 hours.
That's midnight Christmas Eve, sir.
l mean, the men thought.
The men thought? That is, this is a time when the men want to be with their families, sir.
Are you aware, Ensign, of the absolute abysmal record of this ship in field marksmanship? Yes, sir, in our last exercises we were-- Dead last.
Yes, sir.
But l'm certain we can do better next time.
You're damn right they'll do better.
They'll do better because every man in this unit is gonna learn the meaning of the word dedication.
l am not gonna be embarrassed the next time their scores are posted.
We understand each other? Yes, sir.
What do you want me to do, sir? What l want you to do is to cancel all leaves.
Select targets.
And set sail immediately for Frenchman's lsland.
And when we get there, destroy it.
By the time we're through, l don't want to see an ant left alive in that place.
Aye, aye, sir.
[seagulls cawing.]
How long? l don't know.
Oh, that's great.
Just great.
Now l'm gonna miss the beauty pageant.
Possibly.
But think of the glorious adventure we can have here on this isle.
l don't like adventures.
What's wrong with this thing? (T.
C.
) l don't know.
lt could be the exciter.
lt could be the points.
Hey, why don't you just bang on it, with a ball peen hammer like you did that time in Bin Loc? lt started right up.
Because it might not be the exciter.
We've only got one shot with that thing.
We make a mistake, we melt the whole engine down.
Melt the engine? Yeah, then it could be the voltage regulator, it could be the battery it could be the ignition, it could be the starter button.
l don't know.
l gotta check everything.
This could take-- Days.
What a marvelous challenge.
Just the four of us against the elements.
Survival of the fittest.
What are you talking about? What elements? Man against nature.
Civilization versus-- Higgins, this is not a boy scout overnight.
We're trapped on an island that's used for gunnery practice.
We're all gonna die here.
Oh, Rick, take it easy.
Nobody's gonna die.
Come here, give me a hand with this, will you? Come on.
l mean, no one is going to authorize gunnery exercises on Christmas Eve.
lt's real simple.
l'll just get on the radio call the Coast Guard.
And they'll pick us up.
Magnum, for once in your life you are being mundanely practical.
How utterly unlike you.
However, it could take hours before they get here.
We could utilize the time to explore and forage.
What a pity the lads aren't here to enjoy this.
Mayday.
Mayday.
This is 905 Alpha.
Mayday.
Mayday.
**[man singing.]
(Rick) What is that? **[man singing.]
What is that? (Higgins) Ukulele Lady.
Written in 1925 by Gus Kahn, Richard Whiting and lrving Berlin.
The gentleman who is singing it is obviously intoxicated.
Not only has he transposed the verses but he has discovered a key heretofore unknown to the human ear.
Higgins! Hey, man, are you sure you got that thing on 1 21 .
5? There's something wrong with the frequency selector.
Keeps drifting off the band.
(Higgins) So does he.
Mayday.
Mayday.
This-- [man speaking foreign language.]
Mayday! Mayday! Hey, do l have to do everything? Fly you here, fly you there, fix the chopper.
Talk on the microphone.
Crash.
Hey, l was doing you guys the favor.
You with your beauty pageants your girlfriends, and your urgent missions.
l am the one going to see my family for the first time in six years.
Okay, okay, l'm sorry.
l'm really sorry.
Mayday.
Mayday.
[static buzzing.]
[beeping.]
Mayday.
Mayday.
Better save the battery.
No, no, don't give up.
Somebody might answer.
No, it's not transmitting.
Landing so hard must've jarred something loose.
Great.
Now we'll never get out of here.
Rick, the Coast Guard will come looking for us as soon as they realize we're overdue at Molokai.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about.
Well in the meantime, l will begin to forage food for our supper.
What food? What supper? Who says we're gonna be here that long? [sighing.]
What can l do to help? Nothing.
Well, how long is this gonna take? Look, Rick, give me some breathing room.
Rick, come on, let's go look for some wood for a signal fire.
Come on.
Go! Okay, l'm going, l'm going.
Hey, Thomas, Thomas.
Wait up.
You're going too fast.
l don't like this place.
lt's quiet.
Yeah.
Too quiet.
Oh, sure, very funny.
Joke around.
l can't help it.
You're just so serious.
Well, excuse me.
That's my natural reaction when my life is in danger.
Of course, l could have a more mature attitude be a clown, have a few laughs.
Rick, your life is not in danger.
That's debatable.
Hell, this place is spooky.
lt reminds me of Nam.
[bees buzzing.]
Thomas, there's something l got to tell you.
l don't know.
Just in case we don't get out of here.
Well when l was a little kid l did something that, you well, l'm not real proud of.
ln fact, l'm darned right ashamed of it.
Rick! Don't.
No, no.
No! l got to get it off my chest.
Don't move a muscle.
What? Stand absolutely still.
What? There's a A bug! in your shirt.
[screaming.]
[laughing.]
That isn't funny! [exclaiming.]
[laughing.]
(Quintin) lt's tragic.
Very tragic.
A whole generation of fighting men without any real experience in fighting.
Of course, that's all reflected in our ship's poor ratings.
l'm going to change all that, Jensen.
The men work hard, sir.
lt takes more than hard work.
Sometimes it takes a war.
l'm afraid this is not going to be much of a Christmas, is it? No, sir, l suppose it isn't.
Well, you'll have other Christmases.
Your Christmases.
l've had mine.
An ice breaker in the Antarctic.
A gunboat in the Delta.
A stray escort in the North Atlantic.
Just like the good old days.
Yes, sir.
Okay, 10 hours 43 minutes.
Clear this away.
l'd like to take a look at that map again.
Yes, sir.
(T.
C.
) * Oh, when the sun beats down * * and burns the tar up on the roof * * And your shoes get so hot * * you wish your tired feet * * were fire-proof * * Under the boardwalk * * Down by the sea * * On a blanket with my baby * * That's where l'll be * * Under the boardwalk * * Out of the sun * * Under the boardwalk * * We'll be having some fun * * Under the boardwalk * * People up above * * Under the boardwalk * * We'll be making love * * Under the boardwalk * (both) * Boardwalk ** How's it going, T.
C.
? lt's going.
Any luck? What's that? Will you stop that? No.
l'm serious.
Listen, don't you hear it? [helicopter approaching.]
A chopper.
lt's the Coast Guard! Hey! (all) Hey! Help! Hey! Damn.
They'll be back.
They will.
Once we get a signal fire started, they can't miss us.
Where's Higgins? (T.
C.
) Exploring and foraging.
He never came back? Maybe we'd better go look for him.
Oh, he's probably having a good old time.
Like Stewart Granger in King Solomon's Mines or something.
Stewart Granger was trapped in a cave.
Yeah, but he got out.
lt was really neat.
l'm going to go look for him.
You should've seen what happened-- (Magnum) Come on.
[birds chirping.]
(Magnum) Are you sure this is the direction he went in? This is the direction he went in when he started.
(Rick) Now that's just great.
That just means he could be anywhere.
l don't like this place.
(both) Rick! Okay.
[insects chirping.]
Look.
Footprints.
Holy cow.
A peg leg.
That's not a peg leg.
lt's a.
What? What has one left foot and a stick for the right? Robinson Crusoe? [sighing.]
Come on, l'm sure there's a logical explanation for all this.
Aye, pirates, me hearties.
Cannibals.
Are you guys both going crazy? There are no pirates or cannibals on this island.
There is nothing on this island.
Nothing! All right, then where is Higgins? Probably simmering in a pot right now.
We'd better find him and find him fast.
[chuckling.]
Come on.
(Rick) l saw this movie once called, The Island.
There were these pirate guys on this island.
Now, when they were on this island, nobody knew that they-- [shushing.]
[leaves rustling.]
Listen.
(Higgins) Oh, my God.
Higgins! Higgins! Really.
Must the three of you act like cannibals? The peg leg.
And he was dragging that plant covering up the other footprint.
[exclaims.]
My God, has the jungle gotten to you so soon? Pull yourselves together, lads.
For l have made a most astounding discovery.
Exhilarating, actually.
(Magnum) lt's a wrecked plane, so? (T.
C.
) What's so exhilarating about that? To you, perhaps, it is a wrecked plane.
To me, it is a way out of here.
What are you talking about, Higgins? lt reminds me of the time l was stranded on an island off the northern coast of Africa.
l had been wounded and rendered unconscious for what must have been a full week.
lmagine my surprise when l woke to find that l-- Can you cut to the part where you get to the wrecked plane? Oh.
Quite.
Magnum, l think you'll find this quite interesting.
[bird hooting.]
Magnum? l think we've found more than just a plane.
There's another guy who didn't make it off the island.
Rick.
(Rick) Well, sorry.
lmperial Air Force.
And from the looks of the plane a reconnaissance pilot.
Must've been the pilot who scouted the Pearl Harbor attack.
(Higgins) That's quite possible.
This gentleman then was responsible for a heavy loss of life.
lncluding his own.
(Higgins) Quite.
(Magnum) MlA.
(Higgins) What? He's probably listed as an MlA.
Yeah, well, l bet you his family's through looking for him.
Come on, Higgins, what's your plan? What are you doing, Magnum? l'm looking for a serial number.
l'm sure there's somebody who would like to know he's not missing any more.
Thomas, we've got to get out of here ourselves.
Plus we got to get the fire started.
We got to get the chopper-- He may have been on the other side.
But he was a soldier.
Just doing his job.
Yeah, l know where you're coming from.
lt could have been any one of us.
[Higgins mumbling.]
Back to the living.
Us.
This way, gentlemen.
This, of course, will rank as one of my most crowning achievements.
What's he talking about now? (Rick) You know, Higgins, you're really a genius.
How're you going to get it to fly? l'm not going to get it to fly.
l'm going to get it to float.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Well, l guess that will work, too.
l don't see how.
Oh, ye of paltry imaginations, must l spell everything out? (T.
C.
) Something.
As you can see, this aircraft is constructed of stressed aluminum.
This light-weight material contributed to its considerable range.
You may find this interesting, most people don't realize-- Higgins, please.
Can we save the stories until we get out of here.
Quite right, Rick.
Well, let's get to it.
Get to what? l propose that we shear off the top of the fuselage, remove the engines discard the wings, patch those areas with woven palm fronds using glue made from the remnants of petroleum in the wing tanks and gum from the tires thereby creating essentially an outrigger canoe enabling us to sail the blazes away.
You saw, Flight of the Phoenix.
To Molokai.
You're crazy.
Oh, l think that's a bit harsh, T.
C.
Overly optimistic, perhaps, but.
Crazy.
That's what they said about Columbus.
And he discovered America.
ln a boat.
Not in a Japanese plane.
l mean, if you're so set on taking a cruise you might as well take the flotation devices off the chopper.
Sort of floating hors d'oeuvres for the sharks? No, thank you.
l intend to make this into a seaworthy vessel if l have to do it by myself.
Now are you going to assist in this endeavor or not? Well, sure, Higgins.
Of course we'll help.
(Higgins) Thank you, Magnum.
lt also took some time for Columbus to be appreciated.
He was looking for lndia.
What can we do? Well, if someone will retrieve the hacksaw from T.
C.
's toolbox l'll make the incisions.
Then, we'll need wood for the fire and palm fronds for the patching.
The greener the better.
The thicker the better.
Great, Higgins.
We'll give it the old college try.
Good.
Are you serious? Oh, come on, T.
C.
What can it hurt to try? Besides, this is the time of year where you're supposed to enjoy helping each other out.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Well.
You help.
You take care of the important stuff.
l'm going to go see if l can get the chopper working.
l'll see what l can find.
The greener the better.
The thicker the better.
Quite.
This is a terrific idea.
Terrific.
Thank you.
You know, Higgins there's something that l always wanted to tell you.
l mean, deep down, you're really an okay guy.
How reassuring.
Higgins there's something that, well.
l mean there's something that l want to get off my chest.
lt's about my cousin, Jenny.
l'm not real proud of it.
ln fact, l'm downright ashamed of it.
lt was in the fourth grade and after school l-- Rick, please, this is no time for long boring and irrelevant stories.
Now go and collect those palm fronds.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Sure.
Big and green.
Big and green.
Big and green.
Big and green.
Wants big and green.
l'll get big and green.
That's big and green.
[quicksand bubbling.]
Oh, God! Quicksand.
Thomas! Thomas! Higgins! Higgins! Thomas! T.
C.
! Help me, l'm sinking! Higgins! Thomas! Thomas! **[organ playing.]
Orville Rick Wright.
The best darn gunner in the Marine Corps.
lrresistible to women.
Legendary in the ring.
[sobbing.]
And.
And the greatest buddy a guy could ask for.
[sniffling.]
A keen mind and quick wit diplomatic, conscientious a terrific conversationalist.
He shall be sorely missed.
''Sorry l had to miss the funeral.
''Enjoy the Big Casino in the sky.
lce Pick.
'' [T.
C.
sobbing.]
[bells ringing.]
We're gonna miss you, pal.
No! (Magnum) Rick! Orville, what are you doing in there? l'm sinking in quicksand! Hurry up! Throw me a vine! l'm going down quick! Help me! Stand up.
What? Stand up.
[bees buzzing.]
[panting.]
You mean this.
This isn't.
No, it isn't.
lt's a bog.
There is no quicksand in Hawaii.
Oh.
(Magnum) Come on.
Wait.
l have to get my fronds.
Oh, yeah.
The Higgins Paradise Cruise's Luxury Liner.
[grunting.]
Watch out for that centipede.
What centipede? The one next to the lizard.
What lizard? [laughing.]
That's isn't funny! (Quintin) It's inspirational.
Sir? The way the men pull together to see a mission successfully completed.
Like our ship's gonna do tonight.
All right.
What've we got? Our choice of targets, sir.
Mmm-hmm.
(Jensen) Abandoned vehicles have been targeted across the island but the jungle has had the least amount of activity in prior exercises.
Well, that is.
No, no, continue.
Well, that is the targets would therefore be easily accounted for-- Easily? Well, l don't mean easy in the sense of shirking our duty, sir, l-- Don't you know a joke when you hear one, Ensign? Of course we'll shell the jungle.
Let me know when you're ready to commence firing.
Aye, aye, sir.
[crew chattering.]
(Higgins) And heave! And heave! And heave! [grunting.]
And heave! And heave! And heave! And heave! (Magnum) Hi, guys.
Oh, Magnum.
Good.
Give us a hand with this, will you? Oh, Higgins, l kind of got my hands full keeping the signal fire going.
Forget the fire, Thomas.
We're gonna get out of here on Higgins' boat.
[chuckles.]
l fail to find any humor in this, Magnum.
We need your assistance in getting this vessel to shore and we need it now.
Okay, Higgins.
l'll just put this wood on the fire and then l'll come back and give you guys a hand.
As your Commander-in-Chief, l order you to cease your current activities and report immediately to boat detail.
Higgins, that is not a boat.
That is a plane.
And you are not my Commander-in-Chief.
l must warn you, you're skating dangerously close to insubordination.
[sighing.]
Fine.
Fine.
You wanna play your little games? Fine! But you're going to have to wait till l put this wood on that fire.
l'm not gonna take another chance on the coastguard missing us again.
You know, you're the one who's always accusing me of acting like a kid.
Well, look at you.
You're like an overgrown Boy Scout trying to earn his Survival Merit Badge.
Now, okay.
Maybe you are right.
Maybe, for once, l am being practical even mundanely practical but l want to make sure that we get off of here.
So l'm going to walk up that beach and then l'm going to put this wood on that fire and then, and only then will l come back and help you guys out.
Quite.
And heave! (Higgins) And heave! And-- Come on.
A little to your left.
And mind the exposed root there.
We don't want to inflict any damage to the hull.
Don't push it, Higgins.
And heave! (T.
C.
) * That's the sound of the men * * working on the chain gang * * That's the sound of the men * * working on the chain gang * * All day long they work so hard * * Until the sun is ** Come on, you have to see this.
See what? Just come on.
Come on.
[sighing.]
lt isn't going to work.
Look how flimsy it is.
(Higgins) Nonsense.
The Zeus Apollo II is quite sturdy.
Zeus Apollo II? Named after its predecessor during the time l was on that island off the coast of Africa.
l thought l'd told you about that, Rick.
Oh.
Nevertheless, this incarnation, l have no doubt will be equally as successful as the original.
The original Titanic.
Scoff if you will.
But after l make a brief test run the four of us will set sail for Molokai.
Yeah, well, put me down for 4:00 shuffle board.
Come on, T.
C.
l mean, we gotta hand it to Higgins.
l thought this was a half-baked idea but it looks like it'll float.
Oh, it will float.
lt may be a trifle difficult to steer but it will float.
You can depend on that.
We shall be home in time for Christmas dinner.
Now, shove me off, lads.
(all) Heave! Heave! Heave! (Higgins) Actually, l think it's rather fitting that we find our way home in a small sailing vessel.
After all the Polynesians who first settled the lslands traveled great distances in canoes that were much smaller and more fragile than our sturdy little [laughing.]
craft.
''My rare edition of Military Maneuvers ''l bequeath to Agatha Chumley.
'' She'll like that.
[seagulls cawing.]
''My handcrafted replica ''of the bridge on the river Kwai ''l bequeath to ''Thomas ''Sullivan ''Magnum.
'' He's going to die on this godforsaken isle the same time l do.
''The bridge on the river Kwai ''and the rest of my possessions ''to go to the lads ''Apollo and Zeus.
'' They'll appreciate that.
Hi.
Where's Thomas? He'll be back in a minute.
Said he had something to do.
How're you coming along there? Closer.
l think l've narrowed it down considerably.
T.
C Mmm-hmm? there's something that l wanna tell you just in case we don't get out of here.
What? Well, it's something that l'm not real proud of.
ln fact, l'm downright ashamed of it.
Mmm-hmm? See, it's about my cousin, Jenny.
When l was in the fourth grade, l-- l already know about this, Rick.
You do? Yeah, you told me.
l did? Uh-huh.
At Khe Sanh when the mortar shells were coming in.
Of course later on you told me you were kidding.
Oh.
[sighing.]
Higgins still moping around on the beach? Yeah.
Excuse me.
Perhaps if l had reinforced the hull.
Hey! Looks like we got the fire going real strong.
Coast Guard will be able to see us for sure now once it gets dark.
Hey, come on, man.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
lt's not your fault that the plane.
l mean, the boat sank.
Too many years away from the field.
l'm afraid my survival skills have become dulled a bit.
lt could've worked.
Jonathan, it was a great try.
lt didn't work.
So what? We're still gonna get out of here.
Perhaps you're right.
Carry on, and all that.
There you go.
You called me Jonathan.
Yeah, l did, didn't l? Quite.
Well, then, let's get on with it.
Beg your pardon? Supper, man.
The human body cannot function without proper nourishment.
l've collected some rare vegetation which l think you'll find quite delectable.
Very similar to that cultivated in certain remote parts of Borneo.
l was there, you know.
[chuckling.]
(Magnum) Ho, ho, ho! * We wish you a Merry Christmas * * We wish you a Merry Christmas * * We wish you a Merry Christmas * * and a Happy New Year ** What is that? [laughing.]
lt's a Christmas tree.
This is what you've been spending all this time doing? (Magnum) Yeah.
Pretty good, huh? Absolutely defies description.
Well, what's Christmas Eve without a Christmas.
Rick, don't move.
There's a bug in your hair.
Sure there is.
Oh, no, really.
lt's a praying mantis.
Look, guys, l'm not going for it again.
''Rick, there's a bug in your pocket.
Rick, there's a centipede.
''Rick, there's a lizard.
'' Well, forget it.
l don't believe it anymore.
[Rick screaming.]
Now, where shall l put this? Perhaps, in an odd way, being stranded here has been good for us.
(Higgins) l, for one, have been so intent on getting everything done that needed to get done l'd completely lost track of the spirit of the season.
Yeah.
Me, too.
l'm really sorry you're gonna be late for your family reunion.
Ah You'll still make Kwanza.
Kwanza? Oh, yeah.
lt's the national Afro-American holiday with its roots in Africa celebrates among other things, unity, creativity and faith.
l was going to celebrate with my whole family this year.
Well, what do you say to seconds all around? No, thanks, Higgins, l'm really stuffed.
Oh, no.
l've been on a break too long as it is.
l think l'll go and try and tear that voltage regulator apart and see if we can get her started.
Anybody wanna hold a flashlight? (Rick) l'll do it.
How about you, Magnum? l'm trying to cut back on my intake of roots and berries.
(Higgins) lt must be more filling than l anticipated.
The three of you ate such meager portions.
You don't think it was a bitbland? No.
Higgins, look l kind of want to apologize for before.
Apologize? Yeah, you know.
For being insubordinate.
lt's quite understandable.
l've seen it happen many times in the heat of battle, on the front especially during the holidays.
Men are more lonely then, more prone to snap.
Your momentary lapse is quite excusable.
l will, of course, keep it out of print.
Out of print? My memoirs.
l, of course, have spent many a Christmas away from home and family.
More times than l care to remember and in more places than l care to remember.
Forgotten battlefields, and sometimes, even forgotten wars.
l think being at war makes Christmas all the more bittersweet.
Peace on earth and goodwill toward men and all that.
l say, Magnum the night NATO signal for commence firing.
lsn't that a.
Red flare, yellow flare, green flare.
You don't suppose that red flare out there is a.
Come on.
T.
C.
! (Jensen) Recon spotted a fire on the west beach, sir.
Damn! Some hotshot's been bobbing in our barrel.
Blast them, Jensen.
But, sir, they're-- (Quintin) Now! Yes, sir.
Get ready, Thomas.
Now! [ticking.]
Come on, T.
C.
l'm only up to 6%%.
l've only got enough juice in the battery for one start.
l don't know why everyone's getting so hysterical.
The likelihood of a direct hit is so astronomically high that-- (Magnum) Higgins! They're at yellow now.
We're gonna die.
[exclaiming.]
T.
C.
! Thirteen percent! That's close enough! No! We might melt the engine down.
Green.
My God! Good shot.
First round was right on target, sir.
Thank you, Ensign.
Ensign? Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, sir.
Fifteen percent! l'm gonna light it.
Let's get the hell out of here! Well, looks like those kids are gonna get to see Santa Claus after all.
Or a reasonable facsimile.
Merry Christmas, gentlemen.
Merry Christmas, Higgins.
You too, Rick.
Happy Kwanza to you, T.
C.
Hey, thanks.
Same to you guys.
Aloha! (Rick) Hey, T.
C.
? You remember what l said about my cousin, Jenny? (T.
C.
) Yeah.
Well, l was just kidding.
[laughing.]
(Magnum) * Silent night * * Holy night * (all) * All is calm * * All is bright * * Round yon Virgin Mother and Child **