My Family (2000) s04e10 Episode Script

But I don't understand, Headmaster.
Why do you want to see us? Michael? Yes, of course I know where he is.
He's at school.
Yes.
Your school.
Yes, I'm sure.
Michael is not taking unauthorised absence again.
He's not the truanting type.
My son is an A-star student, not some woolly-hatted, skateboarding loser.
May I suggest you look for him in the usual place, at the top of his class? - (Pops can open) - Argh! No, no.
No, no.
It's nothing.
We'll be right there.
- Hello, Ben.
- I'm busy.
And I am in love.
Roger, you're always in love, I'm always busy, so unless things change, let's accept we have nothing new to say to each other.
Ben, things have changed.
Abi and I have crossed the line.
You mean, you with her? Suddenly, the world has come alive.
The mouthwash has never gleamed so red.
Cotton wool has never felt so soft and fluffy.
Matches your brain.
Feel how soft and fluffy.
Soft.
I can hear the fish serenading each other in their aquarium of love.
I can hear approaching sirens.
Ben, I've finally done it.
I've become Abi's friend.
Oh.
Her friend.
Ben, we're going on a date, shopping for shoes.
You know what they say, today shoes, tomorrow accessories.
Phwoar! No, Roger, not "phwoar".
Don't you understand? You've crossed the friendship line.
You're no longer a bloke.
You're a pal.
Next thing she'll be moaning to you about her boyfriend.
- She hasn't got one.
Only Craig.
- Who? Just some bloke she keeps moaning to me about.
Spends a lot of time with him, but he won't commit.
Sometimes she even spends the night.
Oh, dear God.
(Phone) Yes, Susan.
What? What, now? No, I'm very, very busy.
Yes, I do have better things to do.
I have to eat my doughnut.
OK.
See you there.
So, Ben, what do you think I should do? (Mumbles) Thanks, Ben, wise words.
- How can you say my son's a truant? - Sit down.
Michael is the school's biggest asset.
You're lucky to have him.
The trouble is we don't have him, Mr Harper.
When he deigns to show up at school, he clearly has a problem with authority.
That is so like this father.
- It is not.
- See? Pupils often share the attitudes of their parents.
Now you're making sense.
You should listen to Mr Morris.
It's your attitude that might be the problem.
I don't have an attitude.
Maybe you'd be wiser to adopt a more hands-off approach to your children.
Yeah, what, in essence, he's trying to tell you, darling, is that you should be more like me, you know.
Ignore them.
- That is not what he said.
- Yes, it is.
What? Mr Harper does seem to have a more relaxed parenting style.
Susan, admit it, all these years you've been screwing up the kids, I've been the perfect parent.
- I didn't say perfect.
- Ha! Every parent has a superparent locked inside them.
That's why I'm sending you both to these classes, to improve your parenting skills.
Michael's almost 16.
We're about to stop parenting.
Parenting never stops.
Don't you ever say that.
We're not going.
You learn to unlock your inner superparent under the guidance of a sensitive counsellor.
Huh! We're definitely not going.
- Of course, there is an alternative.
- Yes? Regular home visits by the social services.
Hang on.
There must be a better solution than this.
Why don't we just give the kid a damn good hiding? - Is Michael home yet? - For the fifth time, no.
And for the sixth time, leave me alone.
I'm off now.
Susan, enjoy your class.
Hardly, Abi.
We're only going under protest.
Remember, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
We're not ashamed.
Oh.
Because most people would be ashamed.
You sure you're not? Just a little bit? - I won't tell anyone.
- Have a nice evening, Abi.
Yeah, I'm going to.
Craig's letting me unblock his drains.
Bye, then.
I worry about Abi.
I feel that Craig's using her.
Thank God someone's found a use for her.
Michael's coming.
We must present a united front.
- Yup.
Yup.
- What are you doing? - 16 down.
Oi.
Oi.
Hey, Susan.
- Where have you been? - The library.
Stop being evasive.
You've been bunking off school and we want to know why.
He doesn't.
Michael, of course I do.
Thanks to you, pal, I've got to go to parenting classes.
- Bunk them, then.
- Michael Michael, tell me straight, are we bad parents? Yes.
Not that straight.
Listen, I want us to talk about this.
You always want to talk about everything.
Don't I know it.
What I mean is, just give the kid more space.
You know, just ease back.
You don't need to unlock your inner superparent.
He's in tights and cape and flying around the room.
Looking for the open window.
So what's the problem? Just lately, Abi has started to look on me as a really good friend.
- A friend.
Oh, that's a very bad sign.
- I know.
If Abi considers you a good friend, you might as well be gay.
I can be gay if you think she'd like it.
Roger, I don't think that would work.
Abi's attracted to heartless swine.
- Really? - Yes.
Well, a lot of women are.
I mean, look at me and Ben.
Her father's a swine, so are all her boyfriends, especially this Craig.
Then maybe she's ready for somebody nice.
Nice? Where's the excitement in nice? The challenge, the thrill of the chase, the passion of battle.
Nice is boring, boring, boring, boring.
Dull, dull, dull, dull, dull.
Boring.
No offence meant, Roger.
None taken.
- Look at you, you're hopelessly nice.
- And so are you, Susan.
Yes, but I'm not trying to get laid.
Listen, darling, if Leroy doesn't want to eat his burgers now, let him wait until they thaw out.
All right, love.
We shouldn't be here.
This is a dreadful mistake.
We should have stopped after Janey, or before Nick.
We don't need this class.
Everyone's innocent.
It's like being in prison.
- He should know.
- Oh.
Oh, I'm Roy, by the way.
This is the wife, Liz.
Ben.
This is the wife, Susan.
When can we leave? Not until some Miss Touchy-Feely's touched us and felt us.
- It's actually Mr Touchy-Feely.
- It's just like prison, then.
- Do you fancy a smoke, Benny? - Don't mind if I don't.
Is this your first parenting class, Susie? Susan.
And it's our last.
It's our 51 st.
Been here for all four of our kids, all of 'em truants.
We love coming here.
It's just like school.
Have you learnt anything? No, it's just like school.
Did you see the game last night? Ben doesn't have time to watch football.
He's a very busy professional and a full-time parent.
Was that a penalty? I do not think so.
Tell me about it.
- Gooners! - Gooners! Yee-ah! May I sit next to you? Oh.
Stinky Morris.
Fag.
- Good evening, parents.
- You? You said we were getting a sensitive counsellor.
Yes, that's right, me.
But you were describing yourself.
That's boasting.
Questioning authority again, I see.
Now, let me begin by saying that there's much talk these days - about the inner child.
- What? But tonight I want to speak to you about the inner parent.
And how we might reach Ben Harper! - Yes.
- Do you have something in your hand? - Yes.
- Come on.
Don't be shy.
We all want to know what's so amusing.
Read it out.
(Mumbles) We can't hear you.
Please stand up and speak clearly.
OK.
Right.
"I bet Stinky Morris doesn't have kids.
"I bet he's not even had sex.
" Quiet! Well, Ben, now you've entertained us all, what do you have to say for yourself? Me? I didn't write it.
That's not fair.
Oh, it's not fair, is it? lt - Speak up.
- It was her.
You I'll get you after.
All right, Ben, sit down.
I'm glad you did that, Susan.
Others can learn from your mistakes.
What mistake? I meant to write that note.
You see, class, Susan has a morbid fear of making mistakes.
In fact, she'd rather smother her children to death than set them free to make their own mistakes.
If you want to see an example of the worst kind of interventionist parent, look no further than Susan Harper.
- Ben! - What? I wasn't looking.
- How's your book? - How do you think? - Is this about the parenting class? - You buckled so easily.
I'd like to see you under torture because Well, I just would.
What was I supposed to do, eat the note? It would have been a nice gesture.
- I've never been so humiliated.
- You have.
You've just never paid attention.
Maybe Stinky Morris has a point.
What? You're the perfect parent and I'm the problem? Well yes.
Maybe You know, maybe you could try to be a bit more like me.
That's not me saying that.
That's the superparent.
Yup.
Well, maybe it's time - For what? - Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I was just going to suggest maybe maybe you could try a little hands-off parenting, but erm No, no, I know you couldn't do it.
You just watch me.
- Morning, Mum.
- Yes.
- Mum, you're actually reading the paper.
- Yeah.
Whatever.
Oh, right, I get what you're doing.
It's an act.
Are you still here? OK.
Erm l'm giving school another miss today.
Need to practise my skateboarding under the flyover.
Practice makes perfect.
OK.
All right, there's this movie I'm going to catch.
Chainsaw Chicks In Hot Pants.
It's R18.
It was lucky to get a certificate.
Seen it.
So you're cool if Fiona and I go on her moped to a rave and I spend the night at her place.
Her parents are in Morocco.
Nice climate.
- You can't keep this up for ever.
- Yeah, yeah.
Has anyone seen my crack pipe? Well, Mr Howe, wider.
Wider! Come on! You're having a filling, not straining spaghetti, man.
That's nice.
Roger, do you have to be there? I'm studying my role model in action, Ben.
Observing a master at work.
What? You have been to dental school, haven't you? It's not your dentistry I'm watching.
It's how you treat people.
- Stay out of it.
Shut it.
- (Mumbles) Brilliant.
"Stay out of it.
Shut it.
" - Can you do that again? - Roger, what the hell are you up to? I'm learning how to be a cruel swine.
I thought, "What better way to do it than to come and study a maestro at work?" Very good, Roger, but there's one small problem.
In fact, I'm not a swine.
(Mumbles) Yes, you are.
Yup, yup.
OK, Roy.
Yeah! OK, Roy.
Lovely, Roy.
Lovely, Roy.
Yup.
OK, Roy.
Yup.
Woo-hoo.
Bye, Roy.
Bye.
Bye, Roy.
Was that Roy? Was that sarcasm? So going out with your new best buddies, then? - What time will you be back? - I'm not coming back.
- Good, cos I don't care.
- Good.
I like the new Susan.
Hang on.
There's crisps all over the floor.
And a newspaper.
Hey, Mum, is it all right if I go to that all-night rave? - Ask your father.
- Ask your mother.
Oh, my God.
Hello, Michael.
Oh, my double God.
Hello, Ben.
Hello, Susan.
It's me.
Roger Bailey.
Who would have known? Have you, erm bought a motorbike? Oh, I see.
Yes.
I just got the jacket.
I think I look like Marlon Brando in The Wild One.
More like Doris Day in Don't Eat The Daisies.
I'll, erm I'll see you when I see you.
- Come on, you Gooneys! - It's Gooners.
If you like.
Susan, Susan, this is my self-help manual.
My bible.
I treasure every world of wisdom.
My Life by Vinnie Jones.
I know.
He's nearly as ruthless as Ben.
How's Abi taking the new you? I haven't tried me out on her yet.
Well, here's your chance.
I'm just going to go and ignore the washing-up.
Oh, hi, Roger.
It's nice to see a friendly face.
Friendly, tchah! Bless you.
Thank you.
Damn! Roger, I love Craig, but I hate him.
But I love him, but I hate him.
But I love him.
Do you know what he makes me do? Talk rubbish.
He makes me do all his dirty work, then he belittles me in front of people.
Well, maybe that's because you're so stupid.
- Maybe you're right.
- No, Abi! I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it! Look, I'll take this off.
Oh, look, it's not even real leather.
And the hair gel, that's only my mum's.
Strepsil? You know what you are, Roger? You're my little island of sanity in a crazy world.
Let's do that shoe shopping trip tomorrow.
No, no! Thursday? OK.
(Moans) Oh, damn it! (Ben singing drunkenly) # I'm forever blowing bubbles Pretty bubbles in the air They fly so high And I don't know why, I don't know why they fly so high Come on, you Gooners! Gooners! (As Cary Grant) Susie, Susie, Susie.
You've been drinking.
I haven't.
I've been drinking.
With Lizzie and Roy ee.
- Did you have fun? - Yup.
Woo! Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.
I drank cider.
(Sniffs) And smoked.
Woo! I bet you played dares in the middle of the road.
You've been spying on me.
Hey, no.
Come on.
I'm laid-back, remember? I'm not bothered about what you drank, or what you smoked, or your stupid earring.
Yeah.
It is not a stupid Ooh, my God.
Someone's pierced my ear.
- I think it suits you.
- Yeah? You like it? What? What's so funny about a mature man wearing an earring? You've answered your own question.
(Susan) So, how did this happen? I remember.
Oh, I thought it was a fish and chip shop.
Woo-eee.
I think I look sexy.
Well, it's practical.
Somewhere to hang the car keys.
- (Clears throat) - Car? Where's the car? - You didn't take the car.
- I didn't take the car.
Thank God.
- (Clears throat) - Oh, hello, Michael.
In case you're wondering, I'm sneaking in late.
- Don't you care? - You're not late.
You said you were going to an all-night rave.
It's not all night yet.
I didn't go to a rave and you know it.
OK.
Haven't you got anything to say to me? I've got an earring.
It's 1:30.
How can I push against my boundaries if I don't have any? It's like I'm Steve McQueen in The Great Escape, except the Germans have let me out, given me a motorbike and an A-Z of Hamburg.
I love that movie.
Ground me, lecture me, punish me.
Please.
- Don't look at me.
- OK, Dad, then.
Unless you're too drunk.
Mikey Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.
(Vomits) (# Opera on TV) (Door slams) (Sport on TV) Hello.
- Hello.
- Michael wants to see you in his room.
- Any particular reason? - I can't imagine.
You did vomit on him last night.
He's not still going on about that, is he? If you go now, you'll catch him between showers.
I - You're not still wearing that earring? - He said it was best if I keep it in.
I wish they'd said that about your dinner.
(Knocking) Excuse me a moment.
Come.
- Hi, Mikey.
- Sit.
Not there.
There.
Not quite so close.
- Be right with you.
Just closing a deal.
- OK.
Yeah, so that's the pepperoni pizza, with extra olives.
Just put it on my account.
- So, Father.
- Yes.
Thanks for coming in.
Not at all, Mikey.
It's Look, about last night - I'd rather not talk about it.
- Good.
Bye, then.
What I want to talk about is the way things are going in this house.
We're letting you do what you want, aren't we? Exactly.
There's a power vacuum here.
An absence of leadership.
Er sorry, what's that got to do with me? You see, to my mind, a well-run household is like a well-run company.
Harper Family Plc, if you will.
Slick, lean, streamlined.
What are you getting at? Well, everyone in this family has a role to play.
Over the years, you've never been a productive father.
I beg your pardon.
Excuse me.
- Who installed the power shower? - Mum.
Mum, yes, OK.
Mum, but I bought it.
This proves my point.
As long as Mum was carrying you, it didn't matter that you were useless.
Er, Mike, if you'd prefer to talk about the vomiting The fact is that now that Mum is hands-off, it's like there's two Bens and one of you has to go.
- What? - You're expendable.
I'm what? Expendable? That's another thing.
You're very slow on the uptake.
Michael, are you firing me? Very, very slow.
I don't believe this.
You can't fire me! I quit years ago! Well, what did he say? - Not that I'm interested.
- Seems he's fired me.
- Cos you're not pulling your weight.
- What? He can't fire you! Not without a formal warning.
Apparently he can, but he gave me this as a retirement present.
Well, it'll match your earring.
This is not funny.
You'll have to talk to him.
Why me? Well, it seems I don't work here any more.
So you're saying you want me to be hands-on again.
Yes.
So you're admitting I'm the better parent.
Maybe.
- So I was right all along.
- Don't push it, Susan.
So I was right all along.
- Yes.
- Thank God! I'm sick of being you.
Do you know how exhausting it is doing nothing? I know.
I told you it wasn't easy.
I think we should herald the return to Victorian values and kick that boy's butt.
Are your hands going on again? - No, my foot.
- Yeah! - Where are the biscuits? - There aren't any.
Mum's abdicated.
Oh, dear.
Has she tried prunes? I'm never seeing that Craig again.
- Why? - He dumped me.
All because I can't grout.
Why do I always go for blokes who treat me like dirt? Why can't I find a guy who's nice, who's kind, who's gentle? Like Roger.
I wish Mum was here.
She's the one who usually listens to this stuff.
What's happened to this house? Ben's got a piercing.
Susan's stopped snooping.
I'm the only one who's normal.
You're right.
It's chaos.
Do us all a favour and go back to school.
My teachers are such morons.
They're holding me back.
I thought I'd learn on my own.
- This madness can't carry on.
- I don't know what to do.
Well, I do.
I've had it with this behaviour, young man! - Have you? - Yes, I have! You've no discipline! You've no follow-through! - Go on.
- I'm putting my foot down! - I order you to go back to school! - Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Pleasure.
Mikey! - Erm - Michael, go back to school! OK.
Wow.
I'm good.
- Mikey, Mikey.
- Yes.
Now your mother's back on board, I hear you might have a vacancy for a slob.
- I'll put an ad in the paper.
- Yeah.
Still got the watch.
- Oh, hello, Roger.
- Our very own Village Person.
You, shut it! You, watch! Oh, hi, Roger.
I'm really happy to see you.
You look like a pile of old dog poo that's been left out all night in the rain.
- What? - You heard what I said.
Now, shut it, ugly.
See? You're a pig like all the others.
I hate you.
I never want to see you again.
Ever.
Next stop, full sex.
(# Hums I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles) - Ben.
- Mm-hm.
You know that night you went out with Liz and Roy and got your ear pierced? Yeah.
Is there anything else you want to tell me about? No.
Why? Oh nothing.