My Name is Earl s04e10 Episode Script

Good morning, Earl.
Good morning, Randy.
You know what team I've always wanted to join? The debate team.
- No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have.
No offense, but I don't think you'd be very good at that.
Yes, I would.
I think debating is more than just saying the opposite of what the other person says.
No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
This is stupid.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
I win.
EARL AND JOY'S ANNIVERSARY There were a few things on my list that I'd actually done to the Crab Shack.
One of them people had gotten used to working around.
Beer coming.
But it was still something I wanted to fix.
I'm fixing the dent, Darnell.
That's good to hear.
I tried to build a ramp over it with disastrous results.
Why would you slide it to me? Who slides wine? There was a reason why I was fixing this today.
'Cause it was the anniversary of the day I dented it, which was also the anniversary of the day I married Joy.
Joy's situation forced her to be a new wife and mother all at once.
Damn it, baby! You keep kicking my kidney, and I'm gonna hold my breath again! All right, you asked for it.
- What's your name again? - Joy.
You got a baby in there? That my brother's baby? It is now.
Mrs.
Hickey, I believe you requested I steal one of these? Oh, Earl, you did it! I knew we were meant for each other the first time I met you the other night.
Where'd you get it? You walk into a bakery wearing a hairnet, you can walk out with pretty much anything you want.
Randy? I got you a bag of sprinkles.
Shut up! It's going in the freezer.
If you eat it on the one year anniversary, you'll have good luck.
Saw it on Oprah.
She don't know much about marriage, but she sure knows something about cake.
That first year didn't go the way Joy had hoped.
And a few days before our anniversary, she hit rock bottom.
Our belly button fuzz balls are about the same size.
How do we pick a winner? That's it.
I can't wait to eat that cake.
I need my luck now.
Is that skin or a piece of Frosted Flake in yours? - Skin.
- What the hell? Somebody switched my cake with a pile of dog turds.
Either one of you know anything about this? Actually, they're cat turds.
But I don't know anything about it.
A couple days after I stole that cake, me and Randy had a drinking contest at the Crab Shack.
I never made it home, but unfortunately for Joy, Randy did.
Here comes the stomach Don't think I don't hear you out there, Sasquatch! You better not be getting into my food in the fridge! I hate you, too, you bitchy old screech owl.
Randy knew he couldn't just put empty foil back in the freezer, and that's when he realized he could have the best of both worlds: eat Joy's cake and feed her poo.
You think this is funny? Why are you getting so mad over a little thing like this? So, my brother replaced our wedding cake with cat poo.
I'm sure it happens in a lot of marriages.
It's not a little thing.
That cake was a symbol.
Of what? I don't know.
Something! Like, that you cared about me.
And then dummy ruins it, and you just sit there and laugh.
That means something, too.
I'm really sorry I made Joy mad at you, Earl.
If you need a place to sleep tonight, my couch is your couch.
Your couch is my couch, Randy.
So, we agree.
Randy felt guilty for days.
So, on our actual anniversary, he did something to put an end to it.
"Dear Earl and Joy, "I'm sorry for eating your cake "so I'm going to kill myself "at the Crab Shack at 3:00.
"I'll probably shoot myself in the face.
"Stay cool.
Love, Randy.
" Surprise! Happy Anniversary! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Randy, did you do all this? Are you kidding me? Earl's been planning this for weeks.
Why do you think he's been such a jerk lately? He was setting you up for this.
You did this? I did this.
Me.
Thanks, Earl.
I really needed a lift right now.
I thought I might get it from Randy killing himself, but this is even better.
Thanks, Randy.
You made life better for both of us.
You're welcome, Earl.
I felt bad.
When this marriage ends, I want it to be because you and Joy hate each other, not because of me.
It's been fun chatting.
You want to get out and go have sex? 'Cause I do.
Real bad.
No, Donny.
Quit staring at me with your crazy eyes.
I'll put a bag over my head like you made me do last time we banged.
The reason you got lucky that night was 'cause I had cramps, and sometimes that helps, And no hard feelings, but when you're naked, you look like you got kneecaps everywhere.
Oh, my God.
Mr.
Stevens! I haven't seen you since Missy's wedding.
What's that, like, five years ago? Seven.
And aside from my daughter, you were the most beautiful girl there.
You are so sweet.
You didn't tell anybody that we slept together that night? Hell, no.
I wasn't in a rush to tell my friends about humping someone's red-faced, baldheaded, out-of-breath dad in the back of a catering truck.
I'll tell Missy you said hi.
Looking good, Joy.
Pickup's out back, Joy.
- Long time, sweet cheeks.
- Shake that thing! Hey, babe! Who exactly did you invite to this party? Randy was more in charge of the guest list.
Who'd we invite? People me and you know.
Plus all of Joy's friends.
From her address book.
"Guys I've phoned.
" Randy, it says "Guys I've boned.
" That's a "B"? - I thought it was an "F.
" - How could you let this happen? I didn't.
I didn't have anything to do with this stupid party.
Wait.
Yes, I did.
I did everything.
No, I did nothing! What are you more mad about? You didn't throw this party.
Dummy did.
I know.
I'm a terrible husband who never You're no prize, either.
What kind of wife keeps an address book full of guys she banged? The kind of wife that wants to keep her options open for the future.
What? You think you're going to find someone better than me? Go for it, baby.
But keep in mind, this is Camden.
I own my own car.
I almost graduated high school, and I have a huge collection of cassette tapes.
So, good luck to you.
Back then, Mr.
Turtle was still young and need to take walks, and since Darnell hadn't met Joy yet, he had plenty of free time.
But that day, thanks to some hateful bees, their leisurely walk turned into a run for cover.
And Darnell wasn't the only new Camdenite that the bees decided to pester.
Quick! In here! I just got to this country, and already I'm invited into someone's house.
You must be rich.
You have a phone.
This is Phil.
He does mortgages down at the bank.
You know, 30-year balloon loans.
Has a gold pinky ring, white shoes, brand name socks.
I know Phil.
We went high school together.
How's it going, buddy? Oh, God! How did I not notice that when we slept together? No wonder he didn't want to cuddle.
All the ladies in the house say, "Ho!" And that's right about when the fun ended for me.
Blake was my cousin, and I'd hated him since we were kids.
It all started when our moms took us to audition for a local backpack catalog.
I knew I could make the Little Explorer look good, but I just couldn't keep my eyes open.
From that day on, I've never measured up to cousin Blake.
Cousin Blake? That's right, Earl.
Blake's here 'cause he's in my book.
For a while there, I didn't think Joy could do better than me, and now I knew she could.
You want to know what she wrote next to his name? Absolutely not.
Gimungo! You look a little surprised to see me.
You must have just found out I boned your wife.
It's a look I get a lot.
Still a loser and a thief, I'll assume.
And I'm still rocking the model thing.
Blake was better than me at everything, so I had to do something fast.
Back then my motto was, "When in doubt, set something on fire.
" Oh, my God! Fire! Run for your lives! The whole place is going up! Nothing can keep people in a bar when it's on fire.
Killer bees! Killer bees! Don't go out there! Except killer bees.
Don't worry, Joy.
I'll protect you.
So, while killer bees were invading Camden, I was stuck inside having to watch my wife canoodle with my cousin and his backpack that was worth more than my car.
Nobody worry.
I come prepared like a Boy Scout.
A Boy Scout, that's a handsome, professional backpack model with his own condo.
You worry about everyone else.
I'll take care of my wife.
All of a sudden you care about me.
- Looks like you're jealous.
- I'm not jealous.
I'm just doing what a husband does, protecting his family.
So, what you going to protect me with? I got a piece of gum and a corn dog stick.
Why the hell are you carrying around a corn dog stick? There's still a little corn dog on it.
Sometimes, if you wait, it loosens up.
It's not ready.
I've been working at Club Chubby for a couple of weeks now.
So, I'm trying to figure out my signature move.
Cinnamon slaps her ass with a ruler.
Chantelle lets people put gum in her hair.
I just need something to help me stand out.
Have you ever thought of jumping? That'll work.
Hey, bees just swarmed me and my John.
I didn't have time to untie him from the tree.
I hope he's okay.
If they're swarming people, it means these bees are Africanized.
Those brothers mean business.
I don't know who you are, but you better not be hooking because you are much prettier than me and I got a teenage son to put through hairdressing school.
We're inside a phone booth trapped by killer bees.
If that's Clarence, ask him how his ma is.
I call emergency nine times a day.
It comes with the job.
They got me on hold.
There's a lot of callers.
Good! Barry got his ropes untied.
I got nothing on this guy, Randy.
He's beaten me again.
Just like he did with modeling and staying cavity free.
I'm sorry about all this, Earl.
I didn't even get a chance to show the anniversary video I made for you guys.
You made a video about me and Joy? About our love and crap like that? Yeah.
I hid the camera around the trailer for a while.
I got the idea off that show where the guy catches perverts in his kitchen every week.
He should really move.
Anyway, I took the tape to that lady that makes wedding videos and breeds Taco Bell puppies.
Randy, that's perfect.
Put it on.
Excuse me, everyone.
I made a little video I think some of you would like to see.
It's called "Earl and Joy", high dot, low dot, "A Love Story.
" Honey, this is for you.
Blake, one of these fingers is for you.
Oh, my God! What happened? Just 'cause you leave me a note saying I got to do something with a bird in a freezer doesn't mean I gotta drop everything that's important to me and do it.
Is my name "note-reader"? Is my name "bird-defroster"? No, my name That was, uh, - clearly the blooper reel.
- Hey, cousin.
It looks like you're gonna need a place to crash for a while.
You can stay at my pad.
I won't be there.
'Cause even though we're 4 months from Christmas, it looks like I'm gonna be busy spreading Joy.
Son of a bitch! Wait, you're from La Paz? Near the river of blood? I did my Peace Corps year down there.
- Small world.
- Small world.
Let me in! Thank you.
Those bees are such bitches.
You laugh, but that statement is factual.
Most of the colony are actually female.
There're a few males and their job is to have sex with the queen.
Ick! Worst job ever.
If we're the only 4 survivors left on the planet, I call the black guy.
Cut it out! You're gonna break the bar.
That's right.
You might know "fujitsu," but my head can break things.
What do you think of that, Mr.
I'm-Better-Than-Earl-At-Everything? Bet you can't do this.
Son of a bitch! Oh, God.
Blake, go get me some cigarettes from the vending machine.
Yeah, sure.
I'll just be over there, at the vending machine.
And I'll be waiting right here.
Excuse me.
Earl, this isn't right.
Isn't this what you wanted? For me to get jealous? You're jealous of your cousin.
It ain't got nothing to do with me or else you'd be jealous of all these other guys, too.
I don't know what you want from me.
Look, I'm not trying to criticize you, but jealousy, throwing me a party, making me a nice video, those are all ways to show you care.
And you don't do stuff like that.
Well, I pretended to do all those things.
Doesn't that count for something? Who are we kidding? You saw the video.
This isn't a marriage.
What did I expect, I mean, I tricked you into marrying me.
You didn't care about me when you agreed to that, and I don't think you ever will.
I wouldn't.
I'm sorry, Earl.
I think it's time we just end it.
In a whole year, I had never stopped to think about whether or not I cared about my wife.
In those days, I never really stopped to care about anything.
While I was facing the end of my marriage, everyone else was facing the end of their lives.
They're gonna get in! I can't believe I'm gonna die today.
I have four outstanding books from the library.
What if that's all it says in the paper? I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.
I was saving myself for marriage.
I hope you're impressed! And that you exist! I can't believe I'm gonna die without giving it up for free.
Just once I should've done that.
I've always wanted to try a threesome.
I've never kissed a man and I want to.
Bad.
What kind of man doesn't know if he cares about his wife? A man in a coma.
Or a man who got married over the Internet and he hasn't met his wife yet 'cause she's being shipped here on a boat.
The only person I've ever really cared about is you, and you're my brother.
I don't have a choice.
What if I'm just a lazy jerk who's gonna live his life never caring about anybody else? Bee! Before my list, when I didn't have time to think, it always ended with me doing the wrong thing, like stealing or peeing in public.
But not on that day, not in that moment.
You okay? I can't say that moment turned me into a perfect husband, or that Joy didn't have to drive my drunk ass home later that night, but that was the day I knew I could care about someone else.
I did care about someone else and she knew it, too.
I guess you learn what you're capable of when you stare death in the face.
It's all okay! They are gone.
The bees are on their way to Texas.
This never happened.
And when you have history with people, you'll always remember those meaningful days.
I think it's ready, Darnell.
Give it a shot.
Beer coming.
I'm sorry, Darnell.
I just got so excited, I forgot I was supposed to catch it.
Happy Anniversary.
That was two dollars and tax.
You don't have to pay me back.
I just wanted you to know.
You're welcome.
I know this sounds crazy, but of all your wives, I think Joy was my favorite.
Mine, too.
Jarick & loky