NewsRadio (1995) s04e10 Episode Script

[ Bill .]
If everyone's finished, I have an announcement I'd like to make.
Go ahead, Bill.
Thanks, Lisa.
My life is about to change in a very big way, and I want all of you, my closest companions, to-- - Are you getting a liver transplant? - What? Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
Hang on.
You're giving someone your liver? - No, I'm not-- - You can't give someone your liver.
Yeah.
That's just what they want you to think.
What? [ Lisa .]
Go ahead, Bill.
Well, this is going to come as a bit of a shock to everyone-- I'm still trying to get used to it myself-- but I'm going to have a baby.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
I'm going to have a baby.
Wow! You're hardly even showing.
A baby? Bill, I've never seen you as the fatherly type.
Look, being loved isn't enough for me anymore.
I need to give love.
I need a baby.
End of story.
Couldn't you just get a puppy? I had one.
It ran away.
- Then get a cat.
- Had one.
Ran away.
Get a fish.
Had one.
Asphyxiated while trying to run away.
Strangest thing.
- So who's the lucky lady? - Nobody.
Just me.
I'm adopting a baby.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
I filled out an adoption request a while ago, and they called me this morning and said it was my time.
Hmm.
Dude, you can't adopt a baby.
- Why not? - Actually, I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.
Just as I thought-- You don't approve of single parents.
Fine.
I wear your scorn as a badge of honor.
The scarlet "A" that stands for "single dad.
" So go ahead and point.
I'm having this baby.
No, you're not! Papa, don't preach.
Oh, that's from that one song.
Matthew, we know.
Okay.
[ Jimmy .]
Beth, I need to talk to you alone.
It's okay.
He's cool.
She's right, I am.
Watch.
Okay.
I need you to go with me to a $500-a-plate charity luncheon for orphans.
My God.
What kind of sick charity charges $500 for orphans to eat lunch? No, no.
The money goes to the orphans.
Sure it does.
My problem is that there's also an eligible bachelor auction.
I have to get up on stage, and all these rich women bid money to go out on a date with me.
Oh, so you want me to be there to slip that first dollar into your Speedo, Mr.
James.
I'd be flattered.
No, no.
It doesn't work like that.
I'm worried that I won't get enough money bid on me.
I need you to bid on me, make sure I go for a respectable price.
I don't have that kind of money.
Yeah, sure you do.
Here's 15 grand.
Bid all of it that you need to.
I'm your employee.
Won't that look a little fishy? Well, sure it would.
That's why you're going as the duchess of Greater North Chesterborough.
Here.
Hold this, Joe.
Here's your fake passport, driver's license, background dossier.
You're gonna need to study that.
What if somebody figures out this is fake? Oh, it's not.
Here, see? Here's your "duchesshood" title certificate right here.
You bought a duchesshood? Nah.
Just rented it for the day.
You know those dukes and duchesses.
They're always hard up for money.
Do I get a crown and a scepter? No, she already rented that to some kid who's having a birthday party.
Look, I couldn't be more ready.
I've already interviewed a nanny.
I've applied to preschools.
I hired a great pediatrician.
And I even decided to splurge on a diaper service, so that I don't have to deal with the mess.
Uh, Bill, you do realize that a diaper service cleans the diapers.
They don't change the baby for you.
I know that.
You know, babies are up all night.
You're not gonna get any sleep.
That's okay.
I can get plenty of cat naps here at the office.
No, this is just ridiculous, Bill.
I mean, you don't know how to be a father.
Dave, parenting is something you can learn as you experience it-- like riding a bike or filing a restraining order against a crazy aunt.
And it's something I'm ready to learn.
- Well, why now? - I'm not exactly getting any younger, Lisa.
If this were Logan's Run, I'd be Soylent Green by now.
By the time my kid graduates from college, I'll be pretty close to 50.
No, Bill.
You'll be 75.
[ Laughs .]
And I thought you were good at math.
Hey, look at this.
Miniature socks.
I actually borrowed these from Dave.
I'm just kidding.
Yeah.
Bill, don't you think you should get married first and then think about, you know, children? Well, it's not as easy to find that special someone as you might think.
- Oh, I know, Bill, but-- - I mean, I've called endless sex lines.
I've answered hundreds of delicious personal ads.
I've been to every singles' pick-up meat rack in town.
You know, Bill, hiring a prostitute to call you "Daddy" doesn't qualify you to be a father.
Hey, look.
Like father, like son.
I thought you were seeing someone.
I was, till she tried to set fire to my hair while I was sleeping.
That's horrible.
Tell me about it.
And as if that wasn't bad enough, two weeks later she breaks up with me.
[ With English Accent .]
So, Greater North Chesterborough, you say? Where, exactly, is that? [ With English Accent .]
Ooh, well, it's interesting you should ask.
You get off the freeway when you see the statue of Elias Chesterborough-- a lovely man.
No peeking.
Beautiful countryside up there, no? Oh, yes, it's quite, uh, loverly.
By the by, where do you winter? Oh! Generally, my ladies in waiting and I get the Presidential Suite at Disneyland.
It's really quite lovely.
[ Imitates Buzzer .]
Wrong.
Rich people don't go to Disneyland.
They don't? No.
They go to Disney World.
Okay.
I didn't know that.
All right.
Keep on going.
Keep on going.
Will you be attending the royal cotillion this season? What's a cotillion? I don't know.
I heard Mrs.
Howell say it once to Gilligan.
I think it's some sort of a coconut party.
So.
How's, uh-- How's it coming? Oh, uh, would the, uh, gentleman care to, uh, cotillion with oneself for yon evening? Man, she's really got this thing nailed! We'll be back in two minutes with more on that fatal midtown bus crash.
Look at him.
He's actually glowing.
I know.
- How does he do that? - I think it's some sort of lotion.
Hey, guys, listen.
I've drawn up a babysitting schedule for little Billy Jr.
So if you want to reserve a slot, I suggest you act now, 'cause they are going fast.
Well, from the looks of this, it seems like you're, uh, babysitting Bill's kid every night for the first ten years of his life.
Yeah, well, it was first come, first served.
Sorry.
I can't believe you're encouraging him.
Why? Bill's gonna make a great father.
Matthew, we are talking about Bill McNeal-- an extremely selfish and self-centered person.
That doesn't sound like Bill to me.
Yes, it does.
Pretty sure you're talking about somebody else.
No, I'm talking about Bill.
Well, it sounds to me like you're talking about Lisa Miller.
I'm not selfish and self-centered, am I? I think you should try to bear in mind that you're asking an ex-boyfriend.
No, I'm asking an employee.
Well, then, no.
Thank you.
All right, Bill.
Now you get to see parenting in action.
Yes.
You see, children need constant supervision and attention.
You can't just set them down somewhere and expect them to entertain themselves.
Oh, my God, monkey bars! [ Baby Crying .]
And who do we have here? Cynthia.
Hello, Cynthia.
Aren't you a cutie? [ Crying Stops .]
Wow.
Do you have one of your own? No, but I'm expecting.
How wonderful.
When's it due? Around 5:00 this afternoon.
Oh.
Hey, Bill, who is your friend? This is Cynthia.
Oh.
Hello, Cynthia.
[ Crying .]
She's a little tired.
Oh, don't cry, Cynthia.
[ Crying Stops .]
Hey, Bill.
Look who I met.
His name's Charlie.
Hello, Charlie.
I love you.
Oh, well, I love you too.
You have a very charming son, Madam.
Bill, I love you.
I know, Matthew.
Look, Charlie.
[ Charlie .]
Love her baby.
Kind of touching.
[ Giggling .]
Nighttime.
Daytime.
Nighttime.
He must be warping them on the inside in some way that we can't see.
Yeah.
It's cute, huh? No, it's a fluke.
Anybody can be cute.
Watch.
Watch me.
Hey.
Hello.
Hi.
My name is Lisa.
- Excuse me.
Are you Bill McNeal? - Yes, I am.
My daughter Jennifer refuses to take her afternoon nap unless I tune to your radio station.
Must be something about your voice.
I get that a lot.
In fact, would you mind if I took a picture of the two of you? It would really mean a lot to her.
Oh, by all means.
Okay, smile, honey.
Smile, Jennifer.
I'm sorry.
Miss? Would you mind going over behind that tree? You seem to be making my daughter nervous.
Is this some kind of special park for screwed-up kids or something? Uh, well, we should have known this was gonna happen.
You know, Bill probably came here this morning and bribed them all with lollipops.
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about Matthew monopolizing the monkey bars.
Oh, God, I can't believe I have to do this.
Matthew, you're up too high.
Be careful.
[ Clanking, Thud .]
[ Matthew Groans .]
I have to tell you, Lisa, despite all my bravado I was still a little unsure about this adoption thing.
But your little visit to the park was just what the doctor ordered.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Just think-- In a few short hours, an actual human life will be my responsibility.
Dave, I'd like you to be there to witness the miracle.
Oh, well, I'd be honored.
Should I bring my camcorder? Oh, that would be wonderful! You'd be honored? Well, yeah.
I mean, you saw him in the park with those kids.
He was great.
I mean, maybe this will fill a hole in Bill's life.
You know, I do not understand you men and your babies.
You get around a bunch of kids and all of a sudden you're acting like women.
I know.
Isn't it great? Actually, I think Bill just might make a terrific father.
No, he won't.
It's just a terrible idea.
What? You said you thought he'd be a great dad.
No, I'm pretty sure that wasn't me.
Yes, it was you.
Anyways, who needs a little baby running around the place, you know, falling down, tripping over things, hurting himself.
"Oh! Baby hurt himself! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" You like that? No.
Bill doesn't need that in his life either.
That's-- Aah! Ohh! I hurt myself.
Lisa-- Look, Bill really wants this, all right? And he loves kids, and isn't that the only prerequisite for being a parent? No.
Children need structure.
They need order and discipline.
Were you raised in a P.
O.
W.
camp? Ha-ha-ha.
You know, that's very funny, but my parents had me reading by the time I was three.
Uh-huh.
Do you know how many times you've told me that? Thirty-seven.
See? That is a result of successful child rearing.
Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day with a pack of flash cards teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions? No, but raising children is about love.
I mean, didn't you have any love when you were growing up? Yes, of course we had love-- at very judiciously determined intervals.
I'm sure Bill is just gonna lavish it on them all the time.
You know, maybe you should calm down.
Maybe you'd feel better if you crawled inside your skinner box for a nap.
And maybe you'd feel better if you crawled into someone's lap and had someone rock you to sleep.
You know, you're right.
Matthew? The gymnasium was taking up so much space I had to have it removed from the yacht entirely.
I had a swimming pool put in instead.
- It was the only logical thing to do.
- Hmm! Quite.
But you know, then I wasn't happy with that either, and so I just threw out the whole damn yacht entirely.
[ Laughs .]
[ Sighs .]
The only cool thing about yachts is those carved, wooden topless chicks up in the front.
[ Chuckles .]
Am I right, or am I right? Huh? Huh? - That's my driver.
- Your driver? Well, actually, he's my driver's driver, but he is good for a "larf" now and again.
[ Laughing .]
Beth.
Beth.
What the hell is he doing here? Oh, uh, won't you excuse me? Uh, Joe's my escort.
Escort.
I didn't say you could bring an escort.
I know, but a duchess rarely attends a social function unaccompanied.
It says so in the duchess manual.
Yeah, that's right.
If she isn't married, she's usually escorted by a homosexual bachelor friend.
What? Fine.
That's fine.
Just make sure you bid enough to make me a hot property.
I hear Rue McClanahan's in the audience.
I can't believe he's going through with this.
I seem to recall you wanting to have a baby not so long ago.
Yes, well, that was different.
Bill has just randomly decided that he wants a baby now.
I calculated that the time was right.
I briefly had a window of opportunity for an auspicious birth.
And when will the next window of opportunity open up? September 7, 2003.
Hmm.
So, becoming a father, huh? Yeah.
[ Grunts .]
Excited? Very.
Yeah, us too.
We've been waiting over three years.
Really? Oh, yeah.
How about you? - About a month.
- A month? That's all? Well, I'm something of a famous radio personality.
I guess that greased the wheels a little.
Bill's a plumber.
Hey, my name's Bill too.
Uh, we have a lot in common.
[ Chuckling .]
Yeah, sure we do.
You know, you can make fun of my childhood all you want, but at least I didn't waste it watching reruns of Ed the Horse.
Mister Ed.
Mister Ed.
It's not Ed the Horse.
I'm sorry.
The show was called Mister Ed, for the last time.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Did you have trouble conceiving also? Trouble conceiving? Not in the slightest.
My plumbing's fine.
I totally forgot that you're a plumber! [ Cackling .]
Ha.
Oh, good one.
So, this estate has-- It has horses also? What would a country estate be without a stable? Oh.
Oh, indeed.
I was just saying the same thing yesterday to my homosexual bachelor friend, Joseph.
Isn't that right, Joseph? Isn't that right, Joseph? I have no idea who you're talking to.
Hey, would you like to get out of here and see the art collection on the second floor? - It's quite magnificent.
- Oh, I'd adore it.
We shall be back shortly.
Watch the money, won't you? I should probably tell you, I'm not actually rich.
I'm a limo driver.
Sedan or stretch? Stretch.
Cool.
Let's go.
Fine specimens, aren't they? Our first bachelor has attributes that include good listening skills, a winning smile and assets in excess of $5 billion.
Say hello to Jimmy James, of Jimmy James Incorporated.
[ Applause .]
Jimmy is a lifelong bachelor.
His hobbies include yachting, golf and romantic moonlit walks.
Now, who would like to start the bidding? Who would like to make the first bid? What do I hear? Anyone? Anyone at all? Do I hear $100 for this very eligible bachelor? Anyone? Anyone? Fifteen thousand dollars.
[ Crowd Exclaiming .]
Fifteen thousand dollars? [ Joe .]
That's right.
Well, do I hear No, of course not.
Sold for $15,000 to, uh-- And who are you representing, sir? Just me.
And you are? I'm, uh-- I'm with the duchess of Greater North Chesterborough.
I'm her, uh, you know, bachelor friend.
[ Crowd Exclaiming .]
It's not like that.
Well, everything seems to be in order, Mr.
McNeal.
Background, financial statement, credentials, references-- - All impeccable.
- Thank you.
- So, we're all set.
- We are? Oh, I'm so relieved.
- I'm sure you are.
- I can't tell you how happy I am.
I'm just blissed out.
I mean, it's indescribable.
That's wonderful.
So, we'll see you in four or five years.
- For what? - Your adoption notification.
My what? We should have a child for you in four or five years.
Four or five years? You mean, I'm not gonna get to take one home today? That's not how it works, Mr.
McNeal.
First we approve you, then we get a child when one is available for you.
Okay.
I see where this is going.
Fine.
I'll see you in three or four years.
I don't believe this.
I can't possibly wait that long.
I want my baby now.
Where's my baby? Mr.
McNeal, we have an extremely long list of people ahead of you, many of whom have been waiting several years.
Oh, like who? That plumber out there? I'm Bill McNeal, a radio personality.
He's practically unemployed.
He told me so.
- They applied before you did.
- But they told me I could cut ahead of them.
Really? No.
I'm sure they deserve a baby just as much as I do.
You must have some extra babies back there somewhere.
Can't you just check? I'm sorry, Mr.
McNeal.
You didn't even check.
I'm sorry.
Four years? I could be married and have a baby of my own by then.
Yes, I suppose you could.
So what are you doing tonight? Hey.
How'd it go? - I have to wait four years.
- Why? I don't know.
They're out of stock or something.
Let's go.
Well, are you gonna be all right, Bill? What do you care? Well, I-- I actually do feel bad for you.
- Thanks.
Wanna have a baby with me? - Not that bad.
[ Woman Laughing .]
[ Bill .]
So, looks like everything worked out for you.
Oh, it certainly did.
I would like you to say hello to our new son.
Congratulations.
What are you going to name him? Bill Jr.
After me? I'm touched.
No.
My husband's name's also Bill.
I forgot.
Do you mind? Could I hold him just for a moment? Sure.
Hello, little one.
You are so precious.
So very precious.
Don't worry.
He's not going anywhere.
I've got his car keys.
Why? I thought something like this might happen.