Parks and Recreation s04e10 Episode Script

Come on, come on, come on.
- Leslie Knope! - Hey, Chris! Wow, is that a new jogging shirt? It is! It's an experimental fabric called bumble-flex.
It's made out of synthetic bees' wings.
- That's cool.
- Anyway You're not supposed to be here.
You're suspended.
I totally understand that.
I'm just going to, uh, take my flash drive and I'll do some work from home.
N O.
You are specifically prohibited from doing your job.
Oh, I'm not gonna do my job.
I'm just gonna oversee the department, and check in on the parks, and attend any meetings that require - the deputy director.
- Leslie.
Go home and give me the flash drive.
This is a nasal spray.
Give me the flash drive.
Give me the nasal spray.
On three.
One - Two - Two Three.
Okay, good.
Now, in two weeks, you can-- Leslie Knope! I am much faster than you! I have bumble-flex! It's so nice to be able to sit here in public - and have breakfast with you.
- Yeah.
In a way, my suspension from work was kind of a blessing.
Yeah, I feel the same way about resigning in disgrace.
Totally, the key is you have to keep yourself busy, or else you're gonna go crazy.
I mean, look at me, look how busy I am.
I'm inventing a new spice called "sal-gar.
" It's part salt, part sugar.
What could that possibly be good on? - Butterscotch pudding.
- Fair enough.
Okay, I have to go to this meeting with my advisers.
You have a big day, right? Which interview is this? It's a job doing in-house accounting work for an accounting firm, so could be pretty interesting.
Yeah, sounds interesting.
You know, if I hadn't resigned in disgrace, I might never have explored the private sector.
It's like, why didn't I resign in disgrace 12 years ago? You might want to stop saying "resigned in disgrace.
" Especially during job interviews.
Good call.
Leslie wishes she could be here herself to give you these presents, but she's suspended.
Oh, and also she said that they're not from her, - they're from Santa Claus.
- Can I go first? Mouse Rat, certified gold! Over 100 copies sold in Pawnee! I need to get a picture of me holding this so I can frame it.
Personalized, leopard-printed robe.
Pink feather cuffs.
And on the back, in rhinestones "You can get it"! I know you're sad you couldn't get tickets to the "Watch the Throne" tour, so I got you a watch and a tiny throne instead.
And check it out, she even took out the dumb clock part and put this in "Baller Time.
" These are the Black-eyed Peas.
And I finally killed them.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Every year, I give Leslie the same present I give everyone: A crisp $20 bill.
And every year, she gets me something thoughtful and personal.
It makes me furious.
This year, she outdid herself.
She had it installed over the weekend.
It's so-- It's so beautiful.
We need to get Leslie something that erases the enormous emotional debt that has built up over years of this gift-giving imbalance.
Everyone start thinking of ideas.
Aw, jeez.
Socks.
She gets me.
Hi, hi, hi, hi.
Sorry I'm late.
I was off getting holiday gifts for my team.
William, here is a Knope 2012 tree ornament.
- Hey.
- And Elizabeth, I got you a Knope 2012 MenorahMaybe? - No.
- No, okay.
Then I got you a tree ornament.
Okay, so let's talk about damage control.
Now, I could go on Pawnee Today, but-- and I know this is a long shot-- Oprah has her own network now.
- Whoa, Leslie, slow down.
- The first step is for us to figure out what we're up against, and we've already got polls out in the field, and we should have results back in a couple of days.
Just stay out of the spotlight until we can figure out just how this, uh, incident has affected the voters.
Sit tight, take a beat, relax.
"Sit tight"? "Take a beat"? "Relax"? I don't really do any of those things.
In fact, while I was in that meeting, I was also planning my mother's birthday party in my head.
Strawberry margaritas! Another use for sal-gar! Financial analysis, automated general ledger accounting systems, audit management.
Hmm, you've done everything.
Well, they call me "the Swiss Army Accountant.
" - They don't call me that.
- They should.
Well, look, I think you'd be a great addition.
Would you be willing to come back to meet the division head? Yes, absolutely.
- We'll set that up.
- Okay, great.
- Thank you.
- Well, uh Calc-you-later.
Oh, you like that one, huh? We do not get a lot of humor here, and when we do, it's wonderful.
- Oh.
- Ted! Come in here! Say it to Ted when he comes in.
We could get Leslie some marshmallow fluff.
I have some right here.
Correction, darling.
You had some right here.
Did you just scoop it out of the jar with your hand like a bear? Yes.
I can't get it off.
Can you help me? Behold! My latest attempt to drag this department into the 20th century.
- Tom, it's the 21st century.
- I know.
I'd settle for getting you into the 20th.
I fed all of Leslie's emails, letters, and memos into a program and generated A word cloud.
This is how we can get gift ideas.
The more she's mentioned a word, the larger it appears.
"Ben" And much larger, "Ann.
" - She definitely loves Ann.
- Aww.
Okay.
I have an idea.
I will build a small wood model of the parks department.
We can decorate our offices as they are in real life.
It will be - Cute.
- Wait! Better idea: We make a gingerbread version of the office.
- That's so good! - I think the wood model is-- and we can decorate our offices with candy canes and gumdrops! That would be so adorable! Thanks, Ron! That's such a cute idea! I have some great red birch with a nice spalting.
I already have some scale wainscoting.
Mmm, I love me a calzone.
Ben! I'm going crazy! First, they won't let me work in the parks department, now they won't let me campaign either.
All I want to do is improve our town, and they won't let me do that! You're putting an awful lot of sal-gar on your pasta.
This is just sugar.
Okay, I need you to distract me.
Talk to me about something.
Anything.
Well, that accounting firm is gonna make me a job offer.
Oh, yeah? That's great! - Yeah.
- Are you gonna take it? Well, it pays well.
The commute is a little long, but that's okay.
I didn't love the carpeting, but eh.
You know what I think? If you don't love it, take a month.
See what else is out there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And, you know, you can still improve the city.
You can't work right now, or run a campaign.
- Do it as a private citizen.
- Oh, my God.
I'll form a citizen action committee, I'll lobby from the outside, I'll harness the power of the community.
Oh, my God, I finally have some work to do.
Thank you so much for dinner, honey.
I can hear you breathing, and, yes, you can finish her pasta.
Thank God.
I'm so hungry.
Mmm, it tastes like froot loops.
Wow! Great turn out.
Okay, welcome everyone to the first meeting of the Parks Committee of Pawnee, or PCP.
Um, should we really be called "PCP"? - See, because-- - Yes, because, like the drug PCP, we are so fast-acting and powerful, we should be illegal.
Now, what do you want to see fixed in the parks? Yes? I've noticed that the White Hills hiking path could really use some upkeep.
I was thinking we organize a letter-writing campaign.
Uh, I-I know for a fact that nobody in the parks department reads letters, except for one person, who is amazing, but s-he isn't currently there, because he was suspended.
How amazing can he be if he got suspended? Pretty damn amazing, Diane.
Now shush.
If we want to get the government off their bloated, bureaucratic butts, then we need our voices to be heard, and that's what we're gonna do.
Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.
Ron is making the model, and then we're going to put all of our candy decorations in our corners of the office.
Okay, so what did everybody make? Boom! Rock n' roll candy Andy.
Wow.
- Mmm.
- That's really good, son.
I didn't do anything for my office.
It's okay, I took care of it.
I made a marshmallow Ron Swanson.
See? His arms are crossed because he's mad at all the other marshmallow workers for annoying him.
You like it? It's fine.
When I was trying to decide how to decorate my office, I had to ask myself, "what kind of candy should I choose?" Obviously chocolate, 'cause I'm sweet, smooth, and the ladies love me.
Now the question still remained, "what kind of chocolate am I?" Do I have a little gooey, caramel center? Am I filled with little rice krispies? Maybe I'm white chocolate and I'm bucking all the stereotypes.
Oh, just put your damn candy out.
Ultimately, I decided to go with a little gourmet fudge.
I didn't have time to make it into anything, and please don't eat it 'cause it cost $55 an ounce.
So I made my desk out of silver m&ms.
But they do not make silver m&ms, so I spray-painted them.
Okay, those are poisonous, so no one eat them.
Yeah, duh.
- Go throw up.
- I didn't eat any.
- Go throw up.
- Throw up.
- Ben Wyatt.
- Hi.
- Great to meet you.
- You too.
I'm, uh, this.
Well, thank you for meeting with me, Mr.
Feinstein.
Please, call me Dennis Feinstein.
I'm gonna cut right to the chase, Ben.
This cologne company is my life's work.
Why should I trust you with my perfumery? Well, uh, I've been in government accounting for more than a decade, and I just think it's time for a change.
Listen, Ben, I'm gonna cut right to the chase, okay? I like you-- I've always liked you-- but I also like Eddie.
Ed--who--who's Eddie? Eddie's my current CFO, but I might fire him and hire you.
- You got kids? - No.
That's good.
Dum-dum Eddie has two kids.
Oh, God.
Don't fire Eddie.
Why would you have him in here in this interview? - Eddie, I am sorry-- - Don't talk to Eddie.
Treat him like you would treat a person in another country that you paid $25,000 to hunt.
- What are you talking about? - What am I talking about? I'm talking about the best vacation of my life.
Oh, my God.
Look, I'm sorry.
I-I thought I wanted to branch out a little career-wise, but that was a mistake.
Keep Eddie.
I do not want this job.
You're crazy, man.
We'll be in touch.
Okay, are there any more recommendations for new games at the rec center? My daughter, she loves chutes and ladders.
Oh, come on! There is no strategy to chutes and ladders.
- It's just luck.
- My daughter's five.
Well, your daughter is an idiot.
Her daughter is an idiot! He daughter is an idiot! - No, no, no.
- Her daughter is an idiot! No, no she's not.
Hello, I am Leslie Knope, and I represent the PCP.
We have a list of six demands.
Here they are in alphabetical order.
Number one: Ants.
Too many ants in the teen center.
Number two: Tennis court improvements.
- Number three-- - Well, Les--um, ma'am, uh, this public forum, it is just about improvements that we can make to the rec center.
Speaking of which, the fact that yahtzee is not in the rec center is a tragedy on par with human trafficking.
Slight exaggeration Getting back to our demands.
We will not be muzzled like a rabid dog.
We are gonna take this all the way to the top.
Yay! Okay, we have made some waves here, people, but we need to keep this momentum going.
Now, the city manager's name is Chris Traeger.
I want to take this fight to him.
Ooh, a letter-writing campaign! God, Diane, will you stop it with the letter-writing campaign? No.
I have his office number.
I want one of you calling it every 15 minutes.
We are also going to protest along his jogging route, and I need someone in every GNC within a five-mile radius - of the city center.
- But there are only 12 of us.
- 13.
- Look! Our numbers are growing! There's nothing we can't do if we work hard, never sleep, and shirk all other responsibilities in our lives.
You with me? I can handcraft 17-foot canoes out of western red cedar, but I can't glue two damn Graham crackers together! Look, it's really easy.
I know a lot about candy.
I play with it, I eat it.
Sometimes I play with it and eat it.
Boom! Okay, new plan.
Everyone else makes this candy house, and I make myself useful elsewhere.
Your 11:00 is here.
Concerned citizen and community leader Leslie Knope.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi, Leslie.
You're not supposed to be here.
As a government employee, that's true, but I am just here as a concerned citizen and founder of PCP.
The Parks Committee of Pawnee.
Those are the people that have been harassing me.
We have many demands.
Specifically, these six unfunded projects that need to be dealt with immediately.
- Well-- - Not good enough! Leslie, out of respect for you, I will meet with your group, but I hope that this puts an end to the madness.
Prepare for battle.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, I got your Christmas present.
It's like a little stopwatch that records your jogging times and then sends it to your computer via Bluetooth.
Ahh! - That is so thoughtful! - Aww.
My pleasure.
See you in hell! Well, I see you've taken our advice about relaxing.
Oh, this is just a little militant citizen group I slapped together.
But enough about me, what are my polling results? Uh, well, before the scandal, you were at 26%.
Now, we knew we'd take a hit, but we figured as long as we're at 15% or above, we're still in the fight.
And we're at 15%? We went back to 26%? Whoa, wait.
We're at one.
One hundred? You're polling at 1%.
What? No.
That can't be right.
Okay, well, what we do is we move forward from this.
How do we put a positive spin on this? - There's no way to spin this.
- Sure there is.
You're looking at the glass like it's 99% empty.
I'm looking at it like it's 1% full.
You know, the last delicious sip of a milkshake at the bottom of the metal milkshakey thing? It's very hard to come back from this kind of thing.
You know, a sex scandal with your boss.
Oh, like you're so pure and chaste.
Please, I know the two of you are sleeping together.
It's obvious, with all your glances and your sly smiles.
- I'm gay.
- Well, never mind then.
It's a small town.
There's nowhere to hide.
We can't run your campaign anymore.
I'm sorry, Leslie.
You were a great candidate, butit's over.
Could you maybe find new advisors? I can't.
I talked to everyone in the entire state who's ever run a campaign.
Nobody wants a candidate who's polling - at "last milkshake sip" levels.
- Can I say something? This sucks, I am not gonna convince you that it doesn't, and you can tell me every day for the next year - about how much this sucks.
- One year--you said one year.
- That's on the record.
- And I meant it.
But eventually this'll pass.
You're gonna get through this.
I don't know if I'm going to.
I mean, look, I return to my old job in a week, and that's great because I love my old job, but My heart was really set on this new job.
Ann.
Don't touch my pickles, Ann! B-b-b-b-Ben-jammin'! - Oh, my God.
- Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
Hey, Jean-Ralphio.
How's it going? It's going good, I'm actually right here for an appointmt.
Getting a Brazilian.
By the way, there's a woman over there that is unbelievable.
Her name is Kim.
When she rips it off, she smiles, and it makes you feel things.
Throw my name, I get a referral discount.
- If you don't mind.
- Okay.
I heard somebody resigned in disgrace.
My question to you is, how you making that paper? Oh, well, I've interviewed around, uh, but I'm actually about to take a job doing in-house accounting - for an accounting firm.
- Buh I almost fell asleep during that sentence.
- Okay.
- Let me get this straight.
You would be an accountant - For accountants? - Yeah.
So at this accounting firm, you would have the boring job? Are you nuts? This is probably the first time you've had off since you've been kid president.
- True or false? - True.
Why don't you use that time and go after one of your passions, like model trains or, like, or toy Gandalfs or something? I don't know why you jumped straight to model trains.
I mean it's accurate.
I'm gonna tell you something that I once heard from a very, - very smart woman named Kim.
- The lady who waxes you? She told me, "if you don't love what you do Then why do it?" Then she ripped the hair from my b-hole.
Ron filled me in on everything that happened, and I really wish that the ethics investigation hadn't interfered with your campaign in any way.
You don't have to apologize.
You were very fair.
In fact, I'm the one that needs to apologize.
I got you involved in PCP.
But I'm starting a new group now, LSD-- Leslie's Sorry Division-- and I just want to say I'm sorry, Chris.
Oh, that's nice of you to say.
Anyway, now, for your Christmas present.
Your suspension's been lifted.
Please, come back to work.
Thank you.
Hey, what are you doing here? Hey.
Uh, I just wanted to tell you something in person.
Oh, my God, I'm pregnant.
Wait, what? No, that's not it.
I turned down that accounting job.
Just didn't feel right.
That's okay, right? Yeah.
I think that's great.
- I'm really proud of you.
- Yeah? What are you gonna do instead? - I have no idea.
- I like it.
Okay, well, I guess I'll just see you at home.
Well, they're having a party in here.
Why don't you stay? Actually, I think you should go in alone.
- What's going on here? - Merry Christmas, Leslie! We made you this replica of the parks department out of gingerbread.
Oh, my God, I love it! Aw, I love it, and I love you guys, and Ann specifically.
And all of you! You did all of this together? Yes, except for me.
Turns out, I cannot make a gingerbread house, which would bother me if I were an 8-year-old girl.
In any case, these people stepped up and helped me out, and that gave me another idea.
This is the city council chambers, and that's you, next may.
I don't understand.
Your campaign advisers quit, big deal.
You're running for city council again, Leslie, with our help.
April Ludgate, youth outreach and director of new media.
Tom Haverford, image consultant, swagger coach.
Ann Perkins, office manager and volunteer coordinator.
Andy Dwyer, security, sweets, body man.
Javelin, if need be.
Donna Meagle, transpo, AKA rides in my Benz.
W--you guys didn't tell me we were doing this.
I--I did not know that I was supposed to come up with something.
I-- Ron Swanson, any other damn thing you might need.
Guys, it's so much work.
I can't ask you to put your lives on hold.
Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on hold.
I don't know what to say Except Let's go win an election! Giving Christmas gifts is like a sport to me.
Finding or making that perfect something.
- Come on.
- It's also like a sport to me because I always win.
This year, though? My friends won.
In fact, I got my ass handed to me.
- Welcome, Mr.
Saperstein.
- Thank you so much.
I will just show to your cubicle.
I can't wait.
I bet it's a big one, - huh Barney? - Um, the, uh, temp agency said that you are fluent with Quickbooks Pro, correct? Oh, right, yeah, we should cover that.
You see, my resume might not actually be accurate, right? So I have no idea what you're talking about.
Don't know what Quickbooks are.
You don't have any accounting experience? No, no, no, Barney, come on.
But you don't have to be an accountant to know that this girl is a ten.
Yo, what up, D.
S.
? You come here often? To my job? Ooh, she got a mouth on her also.
- Shut it.
- Is this the new temp who's supposed to help me with the spreadsheets? You want to talk about spreading and sheets, we can go back to my place and I will rock your-- - You're fired! - That makes sense.
So I just go out the same way I came in?