Sabrina The Teenage Witch s04e10 Episode Script

Good morning to all creatures, great and small.
You're in a frothy mood.
Yeah, well, Harvey promised me a romantic surprise for this weekend.
- Ooh.
- Another heart-shaped corn dog? - Hey, that was good.
- When he says romantic, does he mean Brad-free? Yep, just me, my guy and no witch-hunter.
And if dinner comes on a stick, it's fine with me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Enough chick talk.
Sabrina, as man of the house, I must insist you let me spend the weekend watching rooting-tooting Westerns on your TV.
Salem, your approach is as pathetic as it is appalling, but here's how good a mood I'm in.
Dee-- Gah? [TV PLAYING.]
Yes.
Cowpokes.
Cattle.
Manly men in mortal combat with even manlier men.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, these pillows are cuddly soft.
[SNICKERING.]
Ready for your romantic surprise? - Reassure me it doesn't involve Brad.
- Only indirectly.
You promised it was just gonna be us this weekend.
- Brad's lending me his skis.
- But you-- Skis? As in, we're going skiing? One of my dad's extermination customers owns a mountain cabin.
He's giving it to us for the weekend.
I never knew pest control could lead to such romance.
Mm.
Powdery slopes, warm firesides, whispering pines.
- And, of course, my mom and dad.
- Of course.
We can drive up together tomorrow after school, just the two of us.
My folks are going up tonight so my dad can kill the roaches.
So we don't have to drive in the back of the station waggon with the smell? This is by far the most romantic idea you've ever had.
Thank you.
Hot coffee.
- What happened? - Wow, lively floorboard.
Did you see that? No, no, no.
Sabrina.
She did something.
She's all the way across the room.
Of all the coffee houses in all the towns in all the world, that witch-hunter has to walk into mine.
You don't have to loiter nervously in the hallway making small talk with my aunts, because I am entirely ready.
Great.
There was one tiny problem, but it's already solved.
BRAD: Hey.
- Brad? He's gonna drive us up to the mountains, turn around and drive all the way back.
- Is that a friend or what? - I'll go get your stuff.
It's better than not going, right? I got a date with Susan McCormick tonight and her curfew is 10:30.
So if we leave right now, I can get back in time for a good solid 20-minute date.
You know what, I'm not as ready as I thought I was.
I'll be right back.
Ten-minute date.
I'm gonna be in the car with Brad for two hours.
- What if I use my magic? - What if you don't? But what if I point without thinking, like I did at the coffee house? All Brad has to do is look at me and say, "You're a witch.
" And I could turn into a mouse for a hundred years.
SABRINA: Aunt Zelda, Aunt Hilda, I think I'm lost.
[EAGLE SQUAWKING, SABRINA SCREAMS.]
- Don't panic.
- Oh, I'm way past panic and looking for a parking space near terror.
Since Brad's witch-hunter gene is affected by atmospheric conditions, I suggest we consult The Witch Weather Channel.
[GUNSHOTS, HORSES NEIGH OVER TV.]
SALEM: Hey.
Let's see.
Factoring in high and low pressure systems, the magnetic influence of the asteroid belt and the pollen count, unless things shift drastically, Brad's witch-hunting gene won't be active for the next 72 hours.
And it looks like a good weekend to plant bulbs.
We interrupt this pabulum to return to the Howard Hawks classic, Rio Bravo.
I'm sure it's safe for you to ride with Brad, and even safe to use your magic.
Just be careful.
But as an extra safety precaution, take Salem with you.
SALEM AND SABRINA: Salem? Oh, throw the witch-hunter off with a talking cat? It's hard to believe, but Salem was an experienced witch for many years.
And as a cat, he's particularly sensitive to subtle changes in the atmosphere.
And we get rid of him for the whole weekend.
But I haven't seen Angie Dickinson yet.
- You're bringing your cat? - Uh Yeah, allergies.
He needs mountain air.
His poor lungs, clogged with pollution.
Date with Susan McCormick.
Let's move it.
Wear your seat belts.
Observe all posted traffic signs.
And watch for ice, and don't pass on mountain roads.
Have fun? Well, that's implied.
ZELDA: You know, Hilda, Brad's witch-hunting gene has set me thinking.
What if Jupiter, Saturn and Neptune were all to align within the ninth parallel of the seventh quadrant, and we lose all our powers? That happens once a millennium.
Yes, but what if it happened and then there was a flood? We have no idea how to survive a natural disaster without magic.
I can't even make an English muffin without magic.
Precisely.
Which is why I think we should prepare now before a disaster occurs.
It's like the story of the ant and the grasshopper.
- Oh, I don't know that story.
- Of course you know that story.
There was this hard-working ant and this lazy, lazy grasshopper, and winter was coming.
I lied and I left and it still didn't stop her.
Nobody's saying anything.
Guys just don't say much when they ride in cars together.
- Why? - Are you gonna talk the whole way? It's better than not going.
- Radio's busted.
- Oh, maybe I can fix it.
Unless there's some change in atmospheric conditions that would make it unsafe to fix the radio.
Here goes nothing.
[MUSIC PLAYS OVER RADIO.]
Nice.
How'd you do that? I'm sorry.
I don't talk in cars.
Now that you got that working, I can listen to my favourite show.
- Sox Talk.
- And nothing but.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: --another great Red Sox season.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I've grown accustomed to the couch, but this might be interesting.
I'm practising, in case we're ever caught somewhere without our magic, and we have to construct our own shelter.
- Where'd you get the tent? - I zapped it in.
The stores were closed.
But we're going to pitch it ourselves.
No, you're going to pitch it.
I'm going to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and wait from you to recover from your episode.
I can see my breath.
Can you turn on the heat? Heater's busted.
Maybe Sabrina can fix it.
She fixed your radio.
[SALEM SNORING.]
[SALEM GASPS THEN MEOWS.]
- Hey, what are those sparks? - Static electricity? - No way, it came out of your finger.
- Hey, Brad, look out.
[ALL SCREAM.]
[RADIO ANNOUNCER TALKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Is everybody okay? I didn't hear a voice say, "Go into the light, Sabrina," so I guess I'm fine.
[ENGINE FAILS TO START.]
Let's go see what's wrong.
Did you see that? You did something with your finger.
Oh, so now I can't pick my nose or talk? What happened? According to my bum knee, there was an atmospheric shift.
The witch-hunter gene is active.
- You never should have tried magic.
- But you were supposed to warn me.
I was supposed to be in the middle of Stagecoach right now.
Hey, who are you arguing with? Uh The radio.
I think the Red Sox will win the pennant.
- You didn't even try to help me.
- I'm leaving that to your therapist.
Oh, come on.
You'll love what I've done with the place.
Oh, well, this is kind of cosy.
I wonder what it's like with the door closed all the way.
A body bag.
If you don't like my life-saving tent, you can leave.
The zipper's stuck.
- You can't do anything for yourself.
- Oh, I'll just zap it open.
No, we can figure it out.
Oh, I see, the scientific approach.
[OWL HOOTING.]
[SALEM SOBBING.]
Is that cat crying? No, that's its meow.
I got it at a really cheap pet store.
Zap in a magic compass or a helicopter or at least warm socks.
I can't do magic.
I could be turned into a mouse.
Then we're going to die.
Hey, look.
A fire tower.
There's gotta be a forest ranger up there, or at least a phone.
This looks kind of old.
Well, if you big, strong men are scared, I'll just go up by myself.
[METALLIC CLINKING.]
- I'm not scared.
- Me either.
[ANIMALS HOWLING.]
[RATTLING.]
Great.
It's abandoned.
Not necessarily.
Maybe the ranger is just a terrible housekeeper.
Uh I have to go down.
I forgot something.
- What? - I forgot I'm afraid of heights.
[SCREAMS, LADDER CLATTERS.]
[GRUNTING.]
Okay, okay, we're trapped and we're way off the ground.
Hang in there, man.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.
[SALEM SOBBING.]
What was that? [SOBBING.]
Me.
But I'll pull myself together.
[GRUNTS.]
I know, let's go to the kitchen and get a knife and cut ourselves out.
HILDA: I'll wait here.
No-oh! Ow! Ow! Ow! [DOORBELL RINGING.]
No-oh! Ugh! ZELDA: Oh, just zap it.
ZELDA: Oh.
- See, you needed magic, didn't you? Oh, pipe down.
Not you.
Depending, of course, on who you are.
Perhaps you need to pipe down.
Ha-ha-ha.
Ha! - Look, who are you? - Frank Alcerro, Brad's father.
I've called five times, but there was no answer.
What's with the tent? We were practising our survival techniques.
We had no idea what a hostile environment our living room could be.
Try the Mekong Delta.
I've heard about this house.
People say a lot of weird things go on here.
I think what you heard is weird people say things go on here.
What can we do for you, Mr.
Alcerro? We got a call from the Kinkles.
The kids are late getting to the cabin.
- Oh, dear.
- I'm sure it's fine.
We called the sheriff.
No deaths reported.
- Hooray.
- He's gonna keep an eye out.
Don't think you need to worry.
Got coffee? Sure.
- Black? - And real.
I don't go for that wimpy decaf stuff.
Same here.
The hard stuff for me, out of a dirty mug.
Excuse us.
I'll just zap myself to Sabrina and make sure she's okay.
Ow! Hilda, that is Brad's father out there.
Brad is a witch-hunter.
That means his father probably has the witch-hunting gene.
He's already suspicious of us.
Perhaps because we're camping next to our piano.
The weather must have changed.
We can't risk doing magic, or HILDA: Maybe you're right about him.
ZELDA: You think? [SQUAWKING, ZELDA AND HILDA SCREAM.]
What are we supposed to do? Just stand around and worry like ordinary mortals? That blows.
ALL: Help! - Help! It's no use.
There's no one around.
And it's getting colder.
We should have stayed in the truck.
At least it's got a heater and a radio.
Thanks to me.
How long did those soccer players have to stay in the Andes before they started eating each other? SALEM: No heat, no blankets.
We'll freeze to death.
Why didn't I eat more NutRageous bars when I had the chance? [SALEM SOBS THEN BLOWS NOSE.]
Bloody nose.
Must be the high altitude.
Hey, look.
Maybe we can call for help on this.
[SWITCH CLICKING.]
Great, it's busted.
Hey, maybe Sabrina can fix it.
She fixed the radio in your car.
Come on, you're our only hope.
Great.
I get to disappoint everyone, then die.
Please help yourself to our phone.
I just talked to Kinkle again.
No sign of the kids.
I think I'll drive up there.
I don't like to sit around and wait for trouble to happen.
What a refreshing attitude.
Besides, this old dump gives me the creeps.
It seems to attract them.
Mr.
Alcerro, please wait.
Let him go, and when he's gone, we'll zap ourselves to Sabrina.
But what if we materialise right next to Brad? He'd identify us as witches and we'd all be turned into mice.
Bad plan.
Sabrina is all alone up there with a witch-hunter and another one is on the way.
We've gotta go up there to protect her.
Mr.
Alcerro, we're going with you.
- Bring some gas money.
- I'll stay here and fold up the tent.
Oh.
Well, I thought you two wanted to be alone together.
Try sparking those two wires together.
The whole thing would be on fire.
And we'd be warm.
Hey, any luck? Brad thinks one of his toes feels frostbitten.
I suppose that's my fault too? I'm not interested in whose fault this is.
If you wanna get technical, it was your idea to climb up.
It wasn't my idea to go skiing, and it wasn't my car that wouldn't start.
Again, I'm not interested in blaming anyone.
My paw has turned black.
Your paw's always black.
- Daar! - I can't get this stupid thing to work.
[RADIO POWERING UP.]
It's working.
Huh.
And they say violence never solves anything.
Relax, ladies.
I'm ready for anything in this baby.
Well, that's good to hear.
You know, I've been trying to impress upon my sister the importance of being prepared for disaster.
I've got enough food to last four months in this rig.
Oh, great, so if we get hit by an asteroid right now, we'd die with enough powdered milk to last until April.
- Hello, is anybody there? BOY [OVER RADIO.]
: Hello? - Hey, we got someone.
- See? She's not gonna get us killed.
We're stuck in an abandoned fire tower and we need to talk to your mother or your father, depending on your family situation.
I'm not supposed to play with this radio.
- If I do, my dad yells.
- But this is an emergency.
We're stuck, we're freezing and we can't get down.
You're yelling at me.
Over and out.
Don't yell at me.
Why are we stopping? Did we get a flat in our giant tyres? No.
I have to put the chains on.
Can you leave the heater on, while you go out there? Yeah, I got a cracked vertebrae.
Either you two put them on, or we turn back.
Oh, good.
Since we can't use our magic, this will be an excellent learning experience.
Just so you know, I'm not getting you anything for your birthday.
[WIND HOWLING.]
My lungs have never been cold before.
- I think we should share the cat.
SALEM: No.
No, he has issues with men.
You know, you could be a little nicer to Brad.
After all, it's not his fault we're up here.
I wish I had never agreed to this stupid trip.
I wish I never asked you on this stupid trip.
You know, this is definitely not better than not going.
[CREAKING, ALL SCREAM.]
We're going down.
[GRUNTING.]
We did it.
I feel such a sense of accomplishment.
We're empowered now, Hilda.
We'll never be stuck in the snow again.
Ha-ha.
Okay, fire her up.
Aah! And nothing for Christmas.
- Don't move.
- I'm sorry we had a fight.
I am too.
If I have to fall to an untimely death in the middle of nowhere, I'd rather do it with you than anyone else.
Except maybe a paramedic.
- Salem, freeze.
- Wow, that's a well-trained cat.
You've made it clear that you don't wanna stop, but do you think that we could use one of your 200 rolls of toilet paper to dry off with? Nope, don't wanna break the seal.
Aah! You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Do you have a rag we could use? Sure.
Thank you so very much.
Imagine the flies you can catch with that rag.
[CREAKING.]
Hold on.
What am I gonna do? I can't cast a spell.
I'll be turned into a mouse for a hundred years.
This is it.
We're going over.
That's it, I gotta save you guys.
I don't care what happens to me.
I promise, while you're a mouse, I won't eat you.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[HARVEY SCREAMS.]
[BRAD AND SABRINA GRUNT.]
- Is everyone okay? - Fine.
Wow, the snow must have broken our fall.
But we fell 50 feet.
How can we all be fine? - Clean living.
- No, no, no.
This is all too weird.
First, you fixed my radio without even using any tools.
When she fixed my heater, I swear I saw sparks fly out of her finger.
Oh, and you'll be hearing from my lawyer.
And I swear that darn cat of hers was talking.
And then the whole tower blows over and we come out of it without a scratch? It was kind of like a miracle.
Well, then we should all bow our heads and give thanks.
It wasn't a miracle.
It was like magic.
Like Sabrina has some sort of magical powers.
[SCOFFS.]
Talk about overreacting to your brush with death, huh? So you're not Sabrina's mother, you're her aunt, huh? - That's right.
- I know how that can be.
I'm Brad's stepfather.
But I raised him from a baby.
- Stepfather? - You're not Brad's biological father? That's wonderful.
Hey, I am capable of being a biological father.
Oh, of course.
So he doesn't have the witch-hunter gene.
So we can use magic to save Sabrina.
I know what you are.
Sabrina Spellman, you are a-- What's that light? It's the moon.
I guess the weather's clearing up.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
What was I about to say? - Look, headlights.
- Somebody's here.
We're saved.
[HORN HONKING.]
It's your dad and Sabrina's aunts.
Wait, it's like the moonlight wiped out my memory.
What was I about to say? I can't remember.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
But don't worry.
You'll get over it.
I always do.
- Hey, over here.
- That was close.
You know, you save a guy's life and he turns on you.
I'm glad we screwed up his date.
So you changed the weather and that turned off the witch-hunter gene? Yes, we used our magic to save you.
But we were able to help because we took the precaution of coming up here.
- But we used our magic.
- But we prepared for disaster.
Can I say something? Thank you for rescuing me.
Oh, you're welcome, sweetheart.
We'd do anything for you, Sabrina.
You know that.
May I say something? I want my Westerns.
Oh, yes.
MAN [OVER TV.]
: That concludes our Western marathon.
Please stay tuned for classic romance.
[SOBS.]
First up, The Other Side of the Mountain.
Ooh.
Marilyn Hassett alert.
I know you and Brad don't get along too well, but you have to admit, it was pretty cool of him to drive home with his dad and your aunts and let us have his truck.
And now we can have the romantic weekend we were hoping for.
With my mom and dad.
Hey, it's better than not going.
Now, if I could just find the turnoff for the cabin on this dark road.
Oh, hey, look.
Brad has a satellite navigation system.
We take the next left.
Wow, I cannot believe he forgot he had that.
Yeah, well, you know, Harvey, I have to tell you the truth: Brad is weird.