Spin City s04e10 Episode Script

He's a 54-year-old father of one.
Originally from Fairfield, Connecticut, who currently lives at Gracie mansion.
Randall Winston, come on down! [APPLAUSE.]
Nice game-show bit.
Thank you, Mike.
Keep that up, you'll be playing the home version.
Paul You got a little Little situation.
Shoot! Now that you'll be running for the senate, you'll be spending more time campaigning.
Will the city's problems be neglected? No, I have complete confidence in my staff.
There's no problem these people can't solve.
Oh, sugar! If you're elected to the senate, is there anyone on your staff who you could see as the next mayor? Showtime.
I have an incredible staff full of bright and talented individuals.
But if you're asking, "is there one person who could rise above the rest, grab the reins of this great city?" No.
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS.]
I've decided what I'm gonna do with the money I won on "who wants to be a millionaire.
" I have invested in the world's first politically themed restaurant.
You wanna hear the best part? It's called "wonk.
" Wonk? Wonk! You know, like a policy expert.
Well, you obviously didn't win that money on "who wants to stay a millionaire.
" [CHUCKLES.]
You know what would be great? If you and I were to go into business together.
Oh, wait.
You don't have a million dollars, do you? Hey, Paul, are you absolutely, legally bound to this? Is there a loophole or escape clause of any kind? Why? Because I think you got a real winner here.
I hear the mayor slammed you at the press conference.
Can you believe that? One of the first rules of management is you don't crush the dreams of those who work for you.
He didn't mention me, either.
Like you could be mayor.
Caitlin set me up on a campaign swing.
I'm gonna be out of town for a couple of days.
So you need someone on the staff to rise above the others, grab the reins of this great city? Easy there, mussolini.
Here's a schedule.
So you got doorman's union and amc.
What's amc? Uh, agricultural m-management commission.
Agricultural management commission? "All my children.
" Hey, Nikki.
Hmm? You wanna see some pictures of me and Deirdre? Sure.
Stuart, you're both naked! Why can't two people in a committed relationship pose for some artistic snapshots together? You're at the dmv.
You know how long they make you wait.
Stuart! Hey, Deirdre.
Are you showing naked pictures of us around the office? Yes.
Well, it's about time.
Stuart I wanted to tell you, "good job last week on the mayor's new business proposal.
" [SWEETLY.]
Stuart did a good job! Yes, you did! Yes, you did! All right, blondie, listen up, here's the rules.
You stay away from my man, or you and I are gonna be co-starring in a little play I like to call "Deirdre, the prison guard.
" No offense, but I'm not interested in your man.
So why don't you just march those $12 pumps back to the trailer park and whip up some dinner for cousin dad? [LAUGHS.]
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
I like her.
But I have to be out of that meeting by 11:00.
Mr.
mayor, I just wanted to re-reconfirm that you are coming to the opening of wonk like you promised because I have, like, a million dollars riding on this.
Of course, Paul.
You're a good friend and a valued employee.
When is it? Tomorrow night.
Can't make it.
But, sir won't you let it drop, Paul?! You wanted to see me? Yeah, hang out for a minute.
Professor Flaherty will give a seminar on how to be the mayor.
James, you wanna send in the doormen? Thanks, Jerry.
Thanks, Bob.
Sure thing, Frank.
You have a good day now.
You too, Bob.
Gentlemen, please have a seat.
I have to tell you, I'm disappointed.
We're very busy here, and you can't keep running to the mayor for arbitration every time your negotiations reach an impasse.
Who are you? I'll have you know I am the interim mayor.
You're an intern? Interim.
So you don't get paid.
Of course I get paid.
You go back to college in the fall.
No, I am the interim mayor.
I am totally in charge until the mayor gets back.
Fine, then we'll come back later.
We're having the meeting now.
I am the interim mayor! You're gettin' a little worked up here.
How 'bout if we just talk to the deputy mayor? That's me, I'm the deputy mayor! Sure you are.
Carter, you wanna tell 'em? He told me he was a Professor.
So the mayor can't make it.
What's the big deal? It's a politically themed restaurant.
It would be like opening Hooters with flat-chested women.
Don't even joke about that.
Paul, the mayor will come some other night.
I have been in the restaurant business for well over three days now, and there's a couple of things I've learned.
Number one there are tremendous bargains to be had at government meat auctions.
And two in New York, if a restaurant doesn't open big, it doesn't open at all.
Paul, the army is here with your meat.
The mayor never had a problem in giving us our standard 5% bump.
You're not dealing with the mayor.
Do we have to go through this again? You fellas got quite a list of demands here.
Every year we deadlock with the landlords' association.
The mayor rubber-stamps this.
We want increased medical coverage and longer breaks.
Longer breaks.
You open doors.
Keep pushin' it, Flaherty.
You're gonna have a strike on your hands.
A doorman's strike? Who'll wear the funny uniforms and not do anything? That's it.
We're outta here.
Let me get that for you.
Wait a minute.
How does one of these bad boys work? There you go! This whole thing has made me realize I could be mayor.
I'm not a backup guy, I'm a lead singer.
I should be up front, tight pants, gyrating my hips as the crowd goes wild.
If that's all it takes, there's a bar in my neighborhood where I was mayor last night.
Talk to the mayor and get his endorsement.
I don't need an endorsement.
All I gotta do is float a rumor then deny it.
What good would that do? That's how politics works.
James, did you hear Carter is having an affair with ed in the mailroom? Really? No, it's not true.
What's not true? Carter's getting it on with ed from the mailroom.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, he's getting it on with ed in the mailroom.
Why do you think they call it "the mailroom"? [MALE.]
For your information, I happen to have a serious boyfriend.
We know Slut.
You know what? You And you Virgin! Stuart Your girlfriend sent me a candle as a peace offering.
You got the gift?! Please tell me it's not the blue candle.
No, it's pink.
Pink! I can't remember what pink means, but it's bad.
You have such low self-esteem that you can't grasp the fact that sometimes people treat each other nicely not out of spite, but out of respect.
I just remembered what pink means.
This is so cool.
Before I answer any questions, I'd just like to clear the air about something.
Despite what you may have heard, if when the mayor is elected to the senate, I will not, I repeat, I will not be running for mayor of New York.
Do you have any comment on the citywide doorman strike? People, please.
I can read between the lines.
Now, uh, I will not, repeat, not be launching a mayoral campaign.
What about the doorman's strike, which has backed up all package deliveries and gridlocked the city? Do you know that Carter's getting it on with ed in the mailroom? Let me guess, Carter.
You got drunk last night and logged on to Prada.
Com.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Yeah, Mike, just because I'm gay, I love Prada.
They have a web site? The doormen are having all of the packages delivered to their buildings forwarded to you.
Do you want me to get the doormen back? If they think a few packages are gonna cause me to back down, they are sadly mistaken.
See, this isn't gonna interrupt my daily routine at all.
So, what's first on the schedule, James? Well, at 9:00, you're meeting with the society for claustrophobia awareness.
We're gonna have to reschedule that.
Listen, I'm flattered you wanna be like me.
And I'm flattered that you wanna be like me.
No, I am me.
You're just dressing and acting like me.
I'm gonna have to ask you to change back to who you are.
You change.
Me change? Okay, you're dating Stuart.
I assume you do things for money.
What's it gonna take? I think you're just jealous because I'm A better version of you.
You're not gonna get away with this.
Mm-hmm.
Caitlin, lookin' good, sweetheart.
Hey, Carter, Paul asked me to perform at the opening of wonk.
Check this out.
I'm a master of political impressions.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Ask not what your country can do for you Ask what you can do for your country.
Carter, who am I? John f.
Kennedy.
Yes! James, that's not really an impression.
It's more of a quote.
An impression is when you replicate someone's voice and mannerisms.
For example [DEEP VOICE.]
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee! Amelia earhart.
[NORMAL VOICEe.]
It's Muhammad Ali.
[SNICKERS.]
You're really good at impressions.
Ladies and gentlemen, my problems are solved! You got the mayor to come to your opening.
No, but I got the next best thing.
The city's top Randall Winston impersonator.
Come on out, Phil.
Ha ha ha ha! Look at him same height, same weight, everything.
He comes to the opening tonight, no one will be the wiser.
It's tonight? I can't make it.
But you just said will you let it drop, Paul?! No, the sewer workers are not striking in sympathy with the doormen.
Then why are they? Here's a shot in the dark they work in the sewer.
The class with the perfect attendance record is here for their photo op.
This is the third photo op today.
I got a lot of work to do here.
Can we just cancel it? Sure thing, Mike.
He's ready for you! [KIDS SHOUTING.]
Hey, come on, come on.
Cut that out.
You're not the real mayor.
Hey, do you guys wanna see the Witch that lives in my desk? Aaaah! Aah! [SHOUTING.]
Wow.
First you sock it to the friendly doormen, and now you're cracking down on cute little children.
Well, kids have had it too easy for too long.
Look, Mike, I know you're having a lot of trouble here, so if you need any help, just ask.
All right I've made a career of helping politicians project the right image, but if you don't want my advice, I certainly don't need to give it to you.
Here's your problem.
You think you're smarter than everybody.
I'm sorry I had to drag that out of you.
It's not that hard to make people feel good about themselves.
Mike, you are so charming, and one of the smartest people I've ever worked with.
Well, hey, thank you.
See? You lie right to their face.
Nice blouse, janelle! JANELLE: Thanks! [PIANO MUSIC PLAYS.]
Hello, and welcome to wonk, where politics is delicious.
Would you like a table? Right this way.
Oh, you happen to be in luck.
We have space at the "John wilkes" booth.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
That's a little something I like to call "let's filibust a move.
" And I bet you didn't know I could rap.
Do you know you suck?! No, but if you get me the sheet music, I'll have it for my next set.
I gotcha! I'm gonna give myself a little tip on that one.
[SIGHS.]
Welcome to wonk.
I'm Martha, your "first lady" of service.
We have some "amendments" to the menu, but first, can I offer you a "dawn's early light" beer? Or you can dodge the "draft" oh, screw it.
Do you want a drink? How'd Paul get you to do this? I'd do anything for a friend.
Well, in that case I just thought I'd save us both a little time.
Paul, I think somebody's getting food poisoning from the Barney Frank 'n' beans.
Damn government meat! Oh, this is a disaster.
The wheels are fallin' off.
Come again! Tell your friends! We can re-serve those fries.
Listen, guys, I just want to apologize for the other day, and to tell you tell us what, Flaherty? [THINKING.]
I can't believe I'm negotiating with a guy who looks like cap'n crunc.
You got something to say, Flaherty? Yes, I do.
Come on, give these guys a complime.
Pick something nice and say it.
"Hey, look at those bedroom eyes" that sends the wrong messa.
Okay, listen, you know, sometimes I'll come up to a door, and it'll say "push," and I'll pull.
And it's at moments like that that I wish I had one of you guys around.
What the hell was that? Thanks, Flaherty.
We appreciate it.
They bought that? Caitlin was right.
People don't know I think they're idiots! By the way, we know you think we're idiots.
We're gonna need that apology again, this time on your knees.
Yeah, right, I'm gonna get on my knees in front of these morons.
Did I just say that out lo? Here you go, Carter.
I know you ordered regular scotch, but I got you some chivas.
Oh, thanks, Paul.
It's gonna cost you a lot more And that's not really chivas.
Paul! I'm losin' my shirt here, Carter! Is it gonna kill you to spend an extra 15 bucks? Paul, I can make it after all! When are you opening? We are open, sir, but nobody came because nobody thought you'd be coming, so I'll lose my million dollars, which means I still need my job, which means I shouldn't be yelling at my boss can I get you a chivas?! Sir, you finally made it after all, huh? What are you eatin' there? The Barney Frank 'n' beans.
It's delicious! How'd it go with the doormen? Oh, you didn't see the news? No.
Went great.
Actually, sir, the past 24 hours have been a nightmare.
The job requires so much patience, diplomacy, people skills.
I just have a newfound respect [STOMACH RUMBLES.]
for who you are as a politician [STOMACH RUMBLES.]
and as a man.
I just I don't wanna get emotional, sir, but I just I really admire And well, love you.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Oh, Mike! It's all right, sir.
I know.
[WHIMPERS.]
Thank you so much! Thank you! [LAUGHING.]
Ahhhhh! Ha ha ha! Ahhh! This is a dream! That was a dream.
Where do you want the meat? I'll push it home.
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(BARKING)