That '70s Show s04e10 Episode Script

So, what are you boys doing tonight? Well, this evening, Miss Big Rhonda returns from the dirt farms of Mississippi.
I am off to the bus station and she will melt into my loving arms.
Well, you better wear a raincoat, 'cause she ain't small.
( Laughs ) She is big, isn't she? ( Clears Throat, Sighs ) Well, I'm taking this chick up to the lake for some you know, bird-watching.
Ooh, bird-watching.
( Chuckles ) I think me and Jackie are going to go ''bird-watching'' too.
It's cool, 'cause they don't know what we're talking about.
Think they cracked it, Kelso.
Well, I guess it's just us Three Musketeers tonight, huh? ( Chuckles ) ''All for one and one for all,'' right? ( Chuckles ) Well, um, actually your father and I were gonna do some reading upstairs together.
What your mom's trying to say is, ''Go away for 20 minutes.
'' Forty-five minutes, Red.
- Thirty.
- Thirty-five.
Fine.
Get lost for 3 5 minutes.
Fine.
But you know what? I got a little question for you.
Why have kids if you ain't gonna spend time with them? I suggest you use your 3 5 minutes to think about that.
He needs a new girlfriend.
Come on, Kitty.
You're on the clock.
Oh, you know what? Just turn off your clock.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
You can't turn off the clock! She doesn't understand the clock.
Hangin'out Down the street The same old thing We did last week Not a thing to do But talk to you We're all all right We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin.
! Cocoa Puff!.
Mashed potato! - What are you doing here? - Well, I wanted to see you because I wanted to ask you something.
- Will you go out with me this Saturday? - Oh, my God.
- Course I will! - ( Chuckles ) ( Grunts ) Can't breathe.
- It hurts.
- Ah, suck it up.
Wow, strong girl.
( Chuckles ) Crap-alula.
Fez just asked me out.
I'm so nervous, and I left my asthma puffer in Mississippi.
I've never been on a real date.
What am I gonna wear? Who cares? You could be naked with a welding hat and Fez'd still be all over you.
Well, that sounds fun.
But I want it to be special.
- You know what? We'll help you get ready.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, that'll be great.
I wanna look pretty.
Pretty? - Oh, sweetie, maybe you can learn some jokes or something.
- ( Trunk Closes ) Look, dropout, this coupon says - So pay up! - Is there, uh, a problem here? ( On P.
A.
) This sad little man has fungussy feet but won't spend the 20- Stacy.
( Sighs ) Mr.
Forman, his coupon expired.
- Oh, that's all right.
- ( Opens Register ) - ( Coins Rattling ) - Here's your 20 cents.
Now, you come again, huh? - Mushroom foot.
- Stacy! ( Sighs ) I'm sorry, Mr.
Forman.
It's just that he's such a dumb-ass.
( Pipe Organ:Religious ) I like you.
Hey, you know who I like? Nixon? Stacy, that cute, new cashier at work.
You should ask her out.
Sorry, Dad.
I don't like to dip my pen in the company ink.
Well, I don't like you being home three Fridays in a row.
Look, if you don't have the guts to talk to her - I'll pave the way.
- Hey.
Listen, if anyone's gonna talk to her I'll talk to her.
Well, then we know no one's gonna talk to her.
Hey, I might.
You- You still like girls, don't you, Son? No, Dad, they're yucky.
( Kelso ) Oh, my God.
( Eric ) I know.
She is seriously hot.
No, not her.
This KISS alarm clock.
Check it out.
( Man Singing Hard Rock ) ( Male Voice ) Wake up.
( Ends ) Yeah, this I like.
Forman, you have a responsibility to all of us to find out what's underneath that smock.
I bet it's boobs.
So, spying on her, huh? Well, that's mature.
Why don't you just pull her hair and run? - Yes, let's do that.
- All right.
All right, all right.
All right.
All right.
I'm gonna go do this.
- Yeah, all right.
I can't do this.
- Oh, geez.
- I'll go talk to her.
- No! What? Now you're gonna start listening to me? Go! Grease the wheels, pal.
Thanks for doing this.
I know you guys'll make me pretty and stuff.
Rhonda, it's no problem.
We'll just help you pick some nice clothes- clean clothes- and maybe do your hair- clean hair.
Okay, the beauty ambulance has arrived! ( Sighs ) So, first things first.
Let's get rid of those shoulder pads.
What shoulder pads? Okay.
So, Stacy, my son Eric is about your age.
And he's a real nice guy- skinny but nice.
And I was thinking the two of you should go out.
What do you say? Well, I kinda like someone else.
Oh! Oh.
Oh no.
Hey.
- So, did she like me? - Who? - Stacy.
- Who's Stacy? - ( Clears Throat ) She's not interested.
- She's not interested? How can she not be interested? Who is she? See? I knew I shouldn't have let you talk to her.
Great.
Now she thinks I'm a freak.
Oh, she doesn't think you're a freak.
Does she? Yes.
Yes, she does.
- You better stay away from her.
- Well, your father's right.
If anyone's a freak, she is.
Did Stacy actually use the word ''freak''? Why don't you just let it go? Maybe the reason girls don't like you is because you just don't let things go! Stacy was saying just that thing today.
I'm gonna go take a bath.
Well, now, who is this Stacy who doesn't like my son? I have half a mind to call her mother.
I tried to set Eric up with this pretty girl at wor- Well- ( Chuckles ) not pretty.
Decent.
Less ugly than most.
Good enough for a young boy, but no man would be interested.
Red, what are you talking about? Why can't anyone in this family just let things go? Red, you're blushing.
( Kitty Gasps ) Don't tell me she has a crush on you.
Kitty, I don't wanna talk about it.
Okay.
So, do you like her back? ( Kisses ) Hi.
Stacy.
Hi.
I'm Eric Forman.
Look, I, uh, feel a little silly about my dad asking you out for me.
You probably thought I was, like ugly or slow or something.
So, I just wanted to say hi- you know, give you a chance to you know, take a gander at the goods, so to speak- and, uh, see if maybe, uh, tomorrow night you wanted to have dinner? At your house? Will your dad be there? 'Cause I'll go if he's there.
Okay.
What, do you, like- ( Laughs ) do you, like, like my dad? Oh, my God! You like my dad? Do you know if he's seeing anyone? Yeah.
My mom.
And they bought furniture together, so yeah, I think it's pretty serious.
Ladies sit up straight.
Candy! Ca- -Jackie, she doesn't have to sit like that.
- Yes, she does.
- Stop doing that! - You stop doing that! Hey! If I don't get a freakin' M&M, I'm gonna start swingin'! You stay out of this.
- ( Hair Dryer Humming ) -Jackie, try to be more sensitive.
Donna, I am not gonna send her on her date looking like Sasquatch.
Huh? She said you're very pretty ''atch.
'' Hey, guys.
I got news.
Turns out Stacy doesn't even like me.
- Yeah, we kind of expected that.
- Ooh.
I thought you said you had news.
Well, yeah.
Here it comes.
- She likes Red.
- Ohh! - Oh, my God! - Ohh.
You're gonna have to leave town! - Why? - Oh, 'cause we're gonna tell everyone! ( Guffaws ) Tell me this.
How'd the 50-year-old guy get the girl? Look at me.
I'm an attractive man.
Well, I got you.
Technically, I got you.
And then you blew it.
Which means you didn't lose it, because you never had it.
See, there's your silver lining.
Eric, you have a lot of good qualities.
I mean, you're funny.
Like- Well, what just happened to you is funny.
Look, that chick likes Red because he's a tough guy, a hard-ass.
You? You're soft.
( Together) How soft is he, Hyde? Softer than Liberace at the Playboy Mansion.
Yeah! ( Laughs ) 'Cause he plays piano.
Wait.
( Whispering ) Ohh! Burn! ( Howling Laugh ) ( Chuckles ) You guys kill me.
Look.
How come Red is such a hard-ass, and I am so- I mean- Okay, when a bear has a baby it's a little bear, right? My dad's a bear, but I'm like a duck.
Eric, you were a bear when you were born but Red pounded you into the duck that we know and love.
So, what are you saying? It's- It's Red's fault? Yeah.
But the good news is, as a duck you can move more easily through the water.
( Man On TV) And now back to Night of the Living Dead.
( Man On TV) And now back to Night of the Living Dead.
Is everything okay over there, Stacy? Come here, Mr.
Forman.
I wanna show you something.
( Gasps ) Holy crap! You're a zombie! ( Voice Deepens ) I want Red.
( Screams ) Red! How could you? She's a sexy zombie! She overpowered me! I knew I couldn't trust you, you cheater! Kitty! ( Screaming ) ( Crying ) What the hell was that? Oh, Kitty.
Oh, I need to talk to you.
I just wanna say with regard to this Stacy thing- Look.
( Clears Throat ) I'm bound to attract a certain amount of attention.
I can't help that.
- But I would never- - Oh, Red.
You wouldn't stray.
You've got too much character.
And who could blame her for being interested? You're certainly interesting to me.
Really? Do you, uh have some spare time? Why? Am I on the clock? I'm thinking 45 minutes.
Ohh.
The scenic route.
I give you the new Rhonda! First time in heels.
So, where's Fez? Oh, he's nervous, so he's in the ''whoo-hoo.
'' Have you been working on her all night? She wouldn't even let me pee.
I'd squash her like a bug if I could catch her.
But I do look pretty.
Rhonda, is that you? Boy, you look like a different girl.
Do you like it? ( Snorting Laugh ) Oh! Well, I thought we would begin our evening with a hot dog eating contest.
Now, I realize you're county champion but I think I could make it interesting.
Sorry, Fez.
I don't eat hot dogs for glory or money anymore.
It's not ladylike.
- Says who? - Says them.
Them? What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda? - It was Jackie.
- It was Donna.
Fez, she wouldn't let her pee or eat.
- Donna called her Sasquatch.
- That was you too! Shut up! Shut up.
I just want her back like she was the first night I met her- on her knees, chugging beer straight from the keg.
But, Fez, I threw up twice that night.
Yes all over my heart.
You big, lovable, clumsy galoot.
And now, it is time that you two left.
Good day.
- But, Fez- - He said, ''Good day''! ( Groans ) So, I'm a duck, huh? Yeah, we'll see who's a duck.
Oh.
Hey, there you are.
Yeah, we need to talk, man.
I've been thinking out this whole Stacy thing- It's your fault.
Yeah.
You were too tough on me, so now I'm soft.
Oh, boo-hoo.
You don't know the first thing about tough.
My old man was tough.
When I was your age, he shipped me off to the navy.
He sure as hell wasn't settin' me up with cute cashiers.
Which I'm sorry I did.
Because now I've got this creepy little girl giving me google eyes all day stickin' heart-shaped notes in my locker.
And on top of it all I had to have a talk with your mother about infidelity.
That was unpleasant! So you just be grateful that your dad doesn't yell at you 2 4 hours a day! And don't give me that look, because this isn't yelling! When I yell, you'll know it! Well, thanks.
Good talk.
Man, look at all this stuff.
I just realized how happy I am not to be a girl.
Well, that should have happened at a much younger age.
( Moans ) - How long was I out? - Long enough.
You guys wanna get a burger? Out in public? Okay, I'll drive.
I'll buy.