The Exes (2011) s04e10 Episode Script

[Jamaican accent.]
Hello, all.
Greetings from Jamaica, mon! [Laughs.]
Hey, looks who's back.
How was the singles' cruise? It was hell! The cabin was tiny, the food was lousy, and there were a lot of pudgy men in speedos who should not have been wearing speedos.
Then why are you so happy? Because the minute we hit montego bay, I ditched the ug boat, hit a local bar, and met the man of my dreams.
Check it out! "Man gives birth to own twin"? Not that! That! "Congressman Charles Hayward spotted canoodling in Jamaica with unnamed tall bombshell.
" That's me! I'm the canoodling bombshell! So how exactly would a guy give birth? - It's got to be a butt baby.
- Forget the baby! You guys, I think I met my future husband.
I've never felt like this before.
Charles invited me to stay at his villa, and we spent ten glorious days together.
Needless to say, I'm tan line free.
Well, it looks like your plan to set the wedding date first and find a groom later really worked.
I got to tell you stroke of genius.
- Yeah, brilliant.
- I dropped that plan.
- Oh, thank god.
- Because that was nuts.
Yeah, there was talk of a trip to the cuckoo farm.
Look, all right, I-I may have gotten a little carried away, but now that I've met Charles, I'm just gonna let love take its natural course.
Well, Holly, I, for one, couldn't be happier for you, and I can't wait to meet the man who's captured your heart.
As a matter of fact, you're all going to meet him tonight at the bar.
Mm-hmm.
I've told him everything about you, and oddly enough, he still wants to meet you.
Ha ha ha! I'm even funnier when I'm in love! Ha ha ha! [Upbeat music.]
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Holly.
Charles is going to be here any second, where's Phil? I told him to be here.
He knows he's supposed to be here.
Why isn't he here? You'd think ten days of vacation sex - would've taken the edge off.
- Yeah.
I'm sure he's on the way.
Just relax.
I'm just nervous! I want you guys to like him and him to like you, but, more importantly, him to like you.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm.
Oh, I'm sure he will.
Something amusing happened at work today that I think he'll enjoy.
I was working on a patient Mr.
king and as I was placing a crown on his incisor, I said, "you know, I've never crowned a king before.
" You want me to die alone, don't you? I can't wait to meet this guy.
I could use a congressman in my pocket someone who can open doors, grease the wheels, make things happen, or, if need be, make things go away.
What are you looking for? A muzzle.
Hey, hey, hey! Oh, finally you're here.
Yes, Holly, I'm here for you, but I got to tell you, I'm not a fan of politicians.
You only see them when they're sucking up for the black vote, you know? They stroll into the neighborhood, shoot a few jump shots, eat some popeyes, and then it's, "catch you in four years, bro.
Word.
" God, you know, Phil, I've never heard you be so political.
Why now? [Gasps.]
Charles.
Ah, hello, beautiful.
Hi.
Uh, guys, I want you to meet congressman Charles hayward, or as I called him on vacation, tickle me Charles.
Hello, congressman.
Oh, no, please, call me Chuck.
There's no need for formalities.
I'm Dr.
Stuart Gardner.
The dentist yeah, Holly's told me all about you.
I have you to thank for her smile.
Oh, no, I think we have you to thank for her smile.
Stuart.
You know, something amusing happened at work and this is Haskell.
Haskell Lutz, a dear, dear friend of Holly's.
Pleasure to meet you, Haskell.
Any friend of Holly's is a friend of mine.
Well, I'm glad to hear that, Chuck.
Now, uh, let's say that the FDA was on my back for selling freeze-dried breast milk online.
Okay, all right, okay.
Didn't I tell you he was a character? And you must be Phil.
[Scoffs.]
Why is that, huh? Why must I be Phil? Because I already met Stuart and Haskell.
Oh.
So Holly tells me you just started your own sports agency? Small businesses like yours are the backbone of our economy.
America could use more Phil Chases.
You're an impressive man.
I love this guy.
Hey, man, what do you say we shoot some hoops, maybe get some popeyes? Well, looks like you won them over, - just like you won me over.
- Oh, well, that's good.
Although I'm not sure I'm ready to spoon with them in a hammock.
[Laughs.]
- Charles? - Oh, Victoria.
Uh, everyone, this is my chief of staff, the real brains behind the operation.
I'm just the suit and the haircut.
Don't quote me on that.
[Laughter.]
Seriously, don't quote him on that.
Don't.
I'm going to assume you are Holly.
Yes.
Hi, nice to meet you.
And these are my friends uh, Phil, Haskell, and Stuart.
Hello.
Hello.
[Sultry voice.]
Hello.
So, Victoria, what brings you by? - Oh, actually, I need a word.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
You two must have political whatnots to discuss.
- I meant with you.
- With me? You want to have whatnots with me? Okay.
Sure.
I'll get right to the point.
It seems the congressman has developed some affection for you.
Ooh, ooh, what'd he say? What'd he say? I-I believe I just said it.
Now, uh, tomorrow night the congressman will be attending the ribbon cutting of a community center, and we would like to use the opportunity to properly launch your relationship.
I'm being launched.
I'll be at your office tomorrow we'll go over a few minor adjustments to shape your public image.
My public image.
[Laughing obnoxiously.]
We'll start with that laugh.
Hey! Look who's back from vacation.
I'm in love, Eden! I found my man, and not just any man A congressman.
He is a cutie.
You two look adorable together.
Oh, you caught that little blurb in The Post? What do you mean caught it? You told me to buy 50 copies.
Good, good! You know, on your break, scatter them around the lunch room so the paralegals have something to dream about over their sad little sandwiches.
Look, I updated your wedding folder.
I glued Charles's face next to your face on the picture of the bride and groom.
- Aw.
- Here you are walking down the aisle, exchanging vows, moving into your dream house, and look how cute your composite baby is! All right, you can retire the wedding folder.
But you're booked to get married at the lake house in three weeks.
Well, there's been a change of plans.
I don't want to scare Charles off by rushing it.
So get rid of that thing.
It makes me look like a complete psycho.
Besides, composite baby's freaking me out.
- Well, Victoria.
- Holly.
Eden, this is Charles's chief of staff, Victoria Chaplin.
And this is my chief of staff, Eden Kunkler.
Oh, we're stopping for pleasantries.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm going to need Holly's schedule for the month, her bio, and a P.
R.
Photo.
Okay, I'll put her staff right on it.
Come on, staff.
[Laughing.]
It's me.
- Holly? - Yes.
Since we only have a few minutes before the congressman arrives to take you to lunch, I'd like to he's taking me to lunch? I love how spontaneous he is.
Yes, his meeting was pushed back an hour, so I scheduled some spontaneity.
Anyway, uh, for your rollout tonight, we're looking to sell "smart professional.
" We'd like you to wear a knee-length to tea-length skirt, neutral panty hose, matte flats, and, of course, pearls.
Okay.
You know I once went as Nancy Reagan for Halloween.
I had a little pin that said "just say boo.
" Holly, congressman Charles hayward to see you.
- Oh.
- Hi, Holly.
Hi, Charles.
- Mwah.
- Mm.
Impressive office Oh.
Almost as impressive as the woman in it.
Oh, stop.
And as you know, when I say, "stop," I mean, "more.
" Charles, you better get a move on.
We have a very tight schedule today.
Oh, is it okay if I pencil in a kiss? And now we're behind.
Charles, I booked your usual table and took the liberty of ordering for you.
She orders your food for you? If it would save time, she'd chew it for me too.
[Laughing obnoxiously.]
[Laughs demurely.]
Victoria, as requested, here is Holly's schedule, - her bio, and a P.
R.
Photo.
- Very good.
I'll put these on the congressman's desk.
We'll go over them first thing in the morning.
But tonight you party.
Am I right? - [Laughs.]
- No.
[Screeches like a cat.]
Oh, no, I gave her the psycho wedding folder.
Hey, Eden, what's wrong? It wasn't my fault.
I didn't mean to do it.
It could've happened to anybody.
I'm on it.
Work on your alibi.
I'll go get the bleach and the tarp.
No, no, no, no! Nobody's dead.
Although when Holly finds out what I did, I will be! Okay, calm down, Eden.
I'm sure whatever it is, it's not that bad.
Okay, you know that wedding folder that Holly has? Uh, you mean the voodoo file with all the cutout heads? Yeah, what about it? I accidentally gave it to Charles's chief of staff.
- Oh! - I know! I know.
If Charles sees it, he'll think that she's crazy, and he'll break up with her.
And then she'll come for me! It'll be like a lion toying with a mouse.
She'll bat me around with her giant paws, wait for me to come to, then start all over again.
Hey, guys oh, hey, Eden, what are you doing here? Nothing.
Just, you know, whatever.
Hey.
Well, I just got a call from Charles.
- Really? - Yeah.
He wants you all to come tonight to the opening of a community center.
It's going to provide much needed services for seniors, kids, blah, blah, blah.
But, more importantly, it's my rollout as the congressman's girlfriend.
Ah, I never thought I'd be this happy.
Okay, well, remember this feeling and never let it go Never.
Oh, you're just like a little hallmark card, aren't you? We got to get that file back before the congressman sees it.
Break into an official government office? Okay.
Guys, I'll see you in the yard.
I'll be the shirtless dude with the do-rag on.
I say we go in at night, hack the alarm, crawl through the duct work, and lower Eden down on a fishing rod.
Show of hands, who owns a black unitard? - Yeah.
- Here's a crazy thought- why don't we just go over there and take it off of his desk when no one's looking? - I vote for that.
- Me too.
Then let's do it! I'm gonna need that congressman, or else I can kiss that freeze-dried breast milk good-bye.
Hi, Victoria.
You remember Phil, Stuart, and Haskell.
Hello, Stuart.
What are you all doing here? I don't have anything on the books.
Oh, well, we were just in the neighborhood, and we thought we'd stop by and get a photo with the congressman.
- He's not in.
- Oh.
Oh.
Okay, well, perhaps a picture in his office.
That's not our policy.
Please, Victoria, it'll only take a minute.
Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to bend the rules.
At times, I can be surprisingly flexible.
Let me just tidy up the office.
[Door closes.]
How are we going to look for the file if she's in there with us? We need a way to distract Victoria.
We've got one Stuart.
- Me? - Yeah, she's into you, man.
Just flirt with her, turn on that Stuart charm.
It wears thin, but she doesn't know that.
I did not go to dental school to be anybody's dime-store Johnny.
Besides, I can't pretend to be attracted to someone when I'm not.
I've got to feel it in here.
All right, now, you listen, cinderella.
Holly's happiness and my life are at stake here.
So sack up and do what women have done for thousands of years fake it.
All right, I'll show you in now.
- Okay.
- All right.
Okay.
Uh, Victoria, a word? Yes, Stuart.
Uh, while they look at the congressman's office, why don't you show me yours? Anything special you'd like to see? How about we start With the lamp? And by "lamp," you mean The object when plugged into the wall illuminates the room.
You know, when you leave it on too long, it generates a surprising amount of heat.
That's why I keep mine On a timer.
She said she'd put it on the desk, it's not on the desk.
Where the hell is it? So this is what it feels like to be a congressman, huh? [Chuckles.]
I suddenly have the urge to tweet my wanger.
Hey! Look at this! - You found the file? - No! B-but I found the congressman's stationery and his signature stamp.
This way if things go south with Holly, I can still get him to write letters on my behalf.
Yes! Good-bye, jury duty.
Good-bye, misdemeanors.
Hello, permit for helper monkey! Look, there's a box of files under the desk.
- Is it in there? - I'm looking.
I'm looking.
[Gasps.]
Found it! [Bangs head.]
Ow! What is going on? [Gasps.]
Hi, hi.
What are you doing? Playing politician.
Uh, come on, Victoria, you were just about to show me your couch.
And by couch, I mean the upholstered seating for two or more people.
Well, we really have taken up enough of your time.
See you.
What do you have behind your back? Nothing! What is this? Some kind of wedding folder? Why are Holly and the congressman's faces glued to these pictures? And who is this grotesque baby? It's kind of a long story, but Holly is booked to get married in three weeks, and she was hoping to find a groom by then.
And she expects the congressman to be that groom? Well, yes.
I mean, no.
I know.
It all sounds crazy.
"Crazy"? It's fantastic.
- "Fantastic"? - Yes.
We're planning a senate run in the fall, and a wife will give him a 20% bump in the polls.
How do you know Charles would agree to this? Because he'd do anything to get in the senate.
Holly is a political godsend.
I'm positively giddy.
Hey, did you get a hold of Holly? No, she's not picking up.
We have to tell her what Charles is up to before they go public with their relationship.
I can't believe he would marry her just to further his political career.
What about romance? What about magic? What about me? I need my picture taken with him, otherwise our close, personal friendship will seem like something I just made up.
- Okay, and stop for pictures.
- Oh.
We smile.
Look at Charles lovingly.
We wave to crowd.
And now we small talk.
Oh, yes.
Hello.
How are you? Nice to see you.
What a lovely center, isn't it? Check out those handrails in the bathroom.
You're doing great.
I'm so proud to have you by my side.
Aw.
Okay, there she is.
Now, how do we get her away from Charles and giggles? Don't worry.
I'll take care of Chuck.
Stuart, get busy with Victoria.
All right.
Since it's for Holly, I will put on some mental fishnets and shake my money maker.
Hello, Victoria.
Hello, Stuart.
Any chance I can steal you away for a glass of bubbly? Can you make it quick? "Quick" is my middle name.
There's the happy couple.
- Ah, hey, buddy.
- Hey.
Holly, you mind if I borrow the congressman for a second? Oh, well, not now.
We're kind of busy.
Too busy for a photo op? Look, it's a demographic dream team.
Asian, Jewish, hispanic, and, to top it off, Indian.
[Whistles.]
Okay, Holly, I'll be right back.
Hey, let me in! I'm one-quarter eskimo! Hi, Holly.
Hi, Eden.
Isn't it amazing? Just a few weeks ago, I was on that singles' cruise, the S.
S.
Loser Tania, and now I'm with Charles! [Sighs.]
I feel like I'm dreaming.
Holly, there's something I got to tell you.
Oh, no.
"Something I got to tell you"? That's never good.
I-I don't know how to put this.
Oh, that's even worse! There's something you need to know.
Oh, no! Not the "something you need to know.
" I don't want to know.
I accidentally gave your wedding folder to Victoria.
You did what? She's seen everything the pictures, the lake house, the plan to get married in three weeks.
Oh, my god.
And the worst part is she loves it.
Huh? Turns out Charles is making a run for the senate, and he needs a wife to broaden his appeal.
Victoria said that he would marry you just to further his own political career.
- Ooh.
- It's showtime.
Yeah, uh But This center represents a new beginning for the community, and I am happy to declare it officially open.
[Applause.]
And while we're on the subject of new beginnings, I'd like to introduce you all to Holly Franklin.
Holly, come on down.
I expect to do great things with this wonderful woman by my side Oh.
Which is why I'd like to make her my wife.
Holly Will you marry me? Yes!