Top Gear (US) s04e10 Episode Script
Fountain of Youth
Now on "Top Gear" We search for the perfect cars to recapture our youth Ohh! You guys look great! And put them to the test on a road trip through Florida.
Whoa! Naples, Florida One of the richest cities in America, and home to people trying to recapture their youth through younger wives, yearlong tans, and flashy cars.
But what if you can't afford a hundred-grand toy to help you turn back the clock? Is there a less expensive solution for a midlife crisis? We were told to pick our favorites and meet by the water, and I had brought a time machine.
0 to 60 in 5.
5 seconds.
Top speed of 158.
Young, virile, fast, loud.
Prince was right.
Little red Corvette.
I'd chosen a 300-horsepower 1993 Corvette The 40th year of America's favorite sports car.
If you're looking for a cure for a midlife crisis, look no further.
That's a man's car.
And that's not.
There's a hairdressers convention in town.
It's not a hairdresser's car.
Are you kidding? This is a pure Porsche, through and through 1998 Boxster.
Okay, it may not have been the manliest Porsche ever built, but with the perfect balance of a mint engine, rear-wheel drive, and that all-important Porsche badge to turn heads, it's exactly what a midlifer should be driving.
Tanner, the point of a midlife crisis is to get women, not turn into one.
Well, I will give you that the Corvette is a good midlife-crisis car.
You're damn right! But everybody knows that if you drive one of these, then you're definitely old.
It's like they don't even need to see who's driving it.
They're like, "eh, too old.
" This one, you got a chance.
I knew you were gonna pick a Porsche.
I knew you were gonna pick a Corvette.
What do you think Rut picked? I didn't think he'd pick that.
I don't want to look.
It looks like his wife told him to clean up the yard and he built something.
Oh, good lord.
At least it looks really slow.
Seriously? Wow! Is that you guys? I can't see that high.
Look, it's zz crap.
Wow, that is Look at you! You want duct tape? What do you think? Have I nailed it, or have I nailed it? 1933 Ford model a pickup Rat Rod.
What could scream, "look at me, I'm still virile" more than a homemade car? Rat Rods are made using parts from different vehicles and are the most affordable version of a Hot Rod.
Mine had a Chevy 350 v8 and parts of at least 20 cars.
This, my friends, is the fountain of youth on four wheels.
This is what people get when they've given up, not when they want to go back for more.
No now, this is gonna be a stretch here.
I'm gonna just guess The yellow Porsche is yours.
Come on! Just look how old I look right now.
Oddly, it it Like seven years, right? Seven, ten years off? It makes you look your age.
That's the worst part of that car.
This this is a midlife-crisis car.
Yeah, if you were born in 1896.
How's your shoulder doing? It's all right.
It'll be fine.
The stig is on his way.
I got news for you.
Stig's not coming.
Hey, Mickey! Mickey? If the stig drove for Adam again, he'd have an unfair advantage, so we found somebody with Adam's skill level An aging movie stuntman with a habit of wrecking cars.
I'm not getting behind the wheel with him! Guy's a legend.
He's been in the stunt industry for 52 years.
He was stunt coordinator for "Butch Cassidy," for crying out loud.
There were no cars in that! - Hey, how's it hanging, Mickey? - Eh.
Hey, Mickey! - How are you? - Good, how you doing? This is Adam.
- Hey, Mickey.
- How are ya? Nice to see you.
How you doing, son? Mick, uh, I hope you don't mind me asking, buthow old are you? Well, I just had lunch, so Perfect.
To find out which of our cars was the ultimate fountain of youth, we were going to make a 150-mile journey across the Everglades, from Naples to Miami.
Our first challenge was 20 miles away.
Over in the Corvette, Adam and Mickey were getting acquainted.
So, Mickey Mickey! Don't be alarmed.
There's no horse in front of this carriage.
The accelerator is the one on the right.
Oh, there you go.
If you think about what a midlife crisis is, really, it'sit's an attack of age.
It's a denial of really how old you are An unwillingness to accept the fact that you are, in fact, getting old and soon will die.
And that is why every midlifer needs a Boxster.
Let's be honest.
It's not about looking young or tricking people into being young.
It's about feeling young, and driving this car makes you feel like a kid.
If my Boxster was like going on spring break, Adam's Corvette was like a swingers party.
The Corvette is the quintessential midlife-crisis car.
Why? Because it recaptures your youth.
Someone painted this one red to say, "hi, I'm here!" And look at the shape of this thing.
All I'm saying is if you own this car, your garage door should be a zipper.
To me, this is the perfect midlife-crisis car.
It's not something you would think, "oh, I should drive one of these every day" unless you're a little bit crazy.
And who does crazy things? Young people.
I would propose that there are probably multiple stages to the midlife crisis.
Well, there's the crazy haircut, you know, maybe bleaching your hair, or Maybe a tattoo.
Possibly an earring.
You know, just as many women go through a midlife crisis, too.
That's why it's perfect you guys picked cars that a woman would pick if she was having a midlife crisis.
We arrived at our first challenge, a test to find which of our cars' speed and handling was the most youthful.
How's that ride? Oh, I got to get one of these.
That is awesome.
We'd race around a one-mile course marked with flags.
For each flag hit, there would be a five-second penalty.
The two slowest times would be saddled with the midlife-crisis gear.
Nice jacket.
Wow.
Look at all this.
What is that? Ooh.
That looks like self-Tanner.
This is an olympic merkin.
Ooh, a mullet.
First up was Rat in the Rut rod.
This thing only weighs 2,700 pounds, so I'm fine with it going in a straight line.
It's when you have to turn that that's when my concerns start.
All right.
That's reverse! On your mark! Get set! Go! Oh (Bleep) Ooh! That sounds terrible.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, boy.
It is not meant To turn any direction except straight.
You think the engine's gonna go first? I think the entire front end is gonna pop off.
- Whoa! - Oh! Okay, he almost hit the church.
Oh! Ooh! Oh, there's no suspension there.
I'm gonna get thrown out of this thing! He's terrified! Look at him! Okay.
Back over nope, that's not not gonna make that.
Oh, there's a flag there.
Flag down.
That's five seconds.
Oh, he hit another one.
Real sharp left here.
Oh (Bleep) - Okay, there's the curb.
- Ooh! Eh, he couldn't make the turn.
Oh, come on! I've never worked so hard in a car before in my life.
There we go.
Oh, he's on the move again.
- There he goes.
- Unbelievable.
Okay! And he hit another flag.
Here we go.
Whoa, back up on the street! Here he comes! Oh, he's on it now.
Stopping the clock.
Oh! That's good! That thing should come with an anchor.
I'm alive! Oh, shut it down.
Shut it down! Think we found your problem.
How you feeling? My face hurts.
I just That was so terrifying.
How'd I do? 3:11.
3:11?! That's 311 days.
That's a great band.
And three flags.
Ooh.
So add 15 to that.
You do it.
3:26.
This thing sucks! That is terrible.
Do you feel younger? I feel so much younger.
I feel alive right now.
All right, 3:26 is the time to beat.
I have full confidence in MickeyI think.
This was my chance to see if Mickey could drive better than he could hear.
Ready, Mick? You ready, Mick?! Mickey! Okay, go.
That'll work.
Push the button.
I did.
Get on it, Mick! There you go! I don't know.
I felt like I was going a lot faster.
That is absolutely not the truth.
Here he goes, into the dirt.
Oh, oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Sketchy right there.
There you go, Mick! Hang it out! - Yeah! - Ooh! That's all right, Mick! You keep going! Adam, he drives just like you! What's the penalty for a tree? He didn't hit the tree yet.
That flag went.
Still five seconds.
Mick's all right.
Look at him.
He's back on track.
Go get 'em, Mick! He's driving like it's 3:30, he's got to get to Denny's by 4:00.
All right, now, this is where it gets hairy.
- Ooh! - Oh! Oh, he popped a tire.
Oh, he popped a tire! This is awesome! It's all right! Still finish, Mick! Oh, here's a good jump! Oh, he's got a flat tire! He's on the rim! He's on the rim and he's still going! That's it, Mick! What's the penalty for a curb? Come on, Mick! Let's go! Hammer down! Come on, Mick! Come on, Mick! There you go! Stop the clock! Stop the clock! Great job, Mick! Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead! Oh, goodness, gracious.
That'll buff out.
More importantly, we got the time here.
- How many flags? - Two.
Okay, so, 10 seconds added onto 2:10 makes 2:20.
Time to beat.
No sweat.
2:20, time to beat, Mick.
Good job, Mick! Oh, man.
All right.
There's no denying that the Porsche is quick and nimble, but fast it is not.
The Corvette probably has it beat there.
And Mickey hustled it a little bit.
He made a bit of a mistake, but I'm gonna have to push it to beat the Corvette.
All right, you pansies.
Push the button.
Count 'em down.
Here we go in three, two, one, go! Coming up, we find new ways to recapture our youth.
Let's go faster! We were in Florida, on a journey to find the perfect car for a midlife crisis.
- Whoa! - Oh! Our first challenge was an obstacle course.
Lose, and we'd have to take on a pile of midlife accessories.
So far, my designated driver, Mickey, had somehow beaten Rut with a time of 2:20.
Now it was tiny dancer's turn.
And we're off! Do I feel 12 again? Yes, I kind of do.
Ooh, clutch is a little bit hurty.
Whoa.
Oh, man.
She's a nimble one! That's for sure! Whoo! Oh, I hate him.
Into the gravel we go! Yeah, this feels like I'm sneaking through the church parking lot when I was 10.
That is true.
Almost hitting that flag.
Oh, this is where Mickey lost it.
- Nope.
- He's good.
Where do we go? Okay, this way.
I think I'm about even with Mickey at this point.
This is where Mickey caught the curb.
Not gonna do that.
Not gonna do that.
Whoa, little bit of a jump! All right, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Shortcut time! Oh, the door opened! No, no, no.
Uh Help? What did you do?! You know you hit a flag, right? It was a bad idea, okay? It was a terrible idea! I got in the moment.
I can't pass a puddle up.
You know that.
You know what's gonna be helpful is, when you're towing that jet ski around, you could get out and play in the puddle.
Glasses, tan, and a jet ski.
After a few quick fixes, we headed east towards Miami and our next challenge.
Just for the record, you guys look great! I realize that I look silly.
I'm riding in a Rat Rod that has basically no suspension, no tachometer, no speedometer, so do I really feel worse that I look like an idiot? Not much.
I'm really glad I'm not pulling the jet ski.
That would be stupid.
Dude, if you met Snooki right now, she would love you.
Tan, in your midlife crisis, you're gonna be going to those clubs and everyone's gonna be like, "dude, someone's father's here looking for her.
" What did you tell me the clue to dating a younger woman was? You take half your age Hey! Don't do that! Were you slamming on the brakes on purpose? That's not funny, man.
After just 20 miles of looking like he was heading to a bachelorette party, Tanner had a crisis of his own.
This stuff is just dumb.
I'm losing this, and I'm losing this damn trailer, too.
Forget this thing.
Oh! - Oh! - Oh, my Yeah! She's free! She's a Porsche again.
You're a little orange moron.
You know what? If he's lost the jet ski The jacket goes with it.
That's fair.
I'm sure that was a total accident.
You didn't mean to throw it off.
You idiot.
It's just an unsafe idea.
As opposed to that, which is a good idea? This doesn't just wash off.
No! Don't lose it! Leave the mullet forever! You keep that.
I can't.
Sorry, bros.
With the ladies bailing early on their punishment, we headed deep into the everglades for our next challenge.
Wow.
Yeah.
This place is out there, isn't it? This is out there and around the bend.
Oh, no way.
Check out the gators.
I can see three gators, which is three more than I like to see.
It's the ones you can't see that's gonna kill you.
Make sure they're not right here.
Right there?! I've seen "Crocodile Dundee.
" I know.
What are we doing here? Our next challenge was a game of automotive chicken.
We each had to drive towards a swamp and get to 50 miles per hour before we could hit the brakes.
Whoever got closest to the water without going in would win.
It's all about how much gusto you have.
"Gusto.
" - We get it.
- I got it.
- You know what? - Virility.
You should go first.
No.
You should go first.
Why don't you go first? No, your car's right there.
Logisti it would just work better Oh, for God's sake, I'll go first.
Mickey'll go first.
Yeah, I appreciate that turmoil there, for about three seconds.
That was brave.
Let's be honest.
How long has he got left, anyway? Oh, gosh.
Mickey had survived a 50-year stunt career working alongside legends.
Hopefully, this wouldn't be the gig that killed him.
Are you ready, Mick? You ready Mick?! Yes, sir.
I can't believe you're actually not riding with him.
I can't.
Doctor says I can't ride.
Get ready to jump.
He's gonna be fine.
He drives like you.
- Holy crap.
- Oh! Oh, he's flying! Whoa! He does drive like me.
Oh, she's sliding, sliding, sli - Yes! - What? Yes! My man! Mickey, my man! And he knew Steve McQueen! Ha ha! You know what? I never saw, like, a doctor's note or anything.
- Did you? - Mickey! That's great, baby! Ha ha! Huh? Look at that, fellas! The hairdresser was up next.
Why are we doing this? Why are we playing with alligators? All right, gentlemen.
You ready? We're ready.
You ready? Hell yes, I'm ready.
Do it! Here I come.
20.
30.
40.
- Here he comes.
- Oh, he is flying.
50! Feels awfully fast! Oh! Oh! Aaah! He's in! He's in! Just a bit too far.
This is not the time when you want ABS.
Nailed it! That's fine right there! I'm just gonna back up a little bit.
There you go.
No way he pulled that out.
Yes, he did.
Now, see, that's impressive.
Yeah.
Oh, washed off the front.
I'm gonna say that my nose got, like, about the same amount of water as the Corvette.
You notice that rear wheel's wet? That's 'cause you had all four in! That couldn't be true.
- You lost.
- Yeah.
I didn't actually loseyet.
You're right.
He hasn't gone.
You can't even say the words "I lost," can you? Well, technically You did.
You're next.
Give me the radio.
Give him the radio.
Ow.
He can't say it.
He can't say it.
I do not have antilock brakes, because this has hardly any brakes at all, and I know what you're thinking.
"Why are you taking your shoes and socks off?" Well, I really like these sneakers, and, frankly, if something goes wrong, I do not want to get them wet.
Rut, how you doin'? I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
Hope you got your anti-alligator-bite kit and wet suit on.
You ready to go? Dear lord, please let me get through this.
I do not want to get hurt in this.
I'm ready.
In three Oh, just go.
Oh, my gosh! This is a bad idea! Ohhh! Here he comes.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, God, he's bringing it.
We were on a journey to Miami to see which of us had chosen the best four-wheeled fountain of youth.
The Corvette had won the handling challenge.
Oh! Now we were in the middle of a game of chicken.
We had to reach 50 miles per hour, then slam on the brakes without going into the water.
It was not looking good for Rut.
Oh, my gosh! This is a bad idea! Ohhh! Oh, my gosh.
Oh, God, he's bringing it.
Oh! Oh (Bleep) Aaaaah! Oh, Rut! Aaaah! Oh, you are (Bleep) Kidding! Oh, I hit it! I'm pretty sure I hit the water! That was awesome! I'm just gonna swim to shore! Oh, that's Oh, what's in oh, oh! Something's touching me! There you go.
Now, Tanner, the difference between you and I is I am fairly certain I lost.
Yes, you did.
And I can say it.
Also, the open windshield.
Bad, bad design.
All righty, then.
Come on, wring out your pants, and let's go.
After a night of drying Rut's pants with a hair dryer, we continued our trip and met up for our next challenge at homestead speedy, just outside Miami.
Thanks, Mick.
How awesome is this place? Nice to be back in a Nascar track.
Isn't this where they have the last race of the season? Yeah.
Every year.
Very cool.
What are we doing here? The best midlife-crisis car should be irresistible to the opposite sex, so for this challenge, we had to impress three women.
So, how's this gonna work? Mickey's gonna do all the impressing for you? It's all right.
Don't you worry about me.
I have a plan, okay? Where are these girls, anyway? Right there.
Great googly moogly.
Hello, ladies.
Hi.
We'd take each of the girls for two laps of the track, and they'd award scores based on our vehicle's sex appeal.
Have you ever been in a machine like this before? Now, this is gonna be a different experience than the other two because you are gonna drive the Corvette.
I actually get to drive? - Yes, you do.
- All right! Oh.
Sorry.
Hold on.
Here we go.
- Feel that? - Yeah.
That is power, my dear.
And I want you to enjoy it.
Go ahead.
Stomp on it.
Get some, girl.
While my passenger was experiencing empowerment, Rut's passenger was working on her fake smile.
So, it's weird They call this a "Rat Rod," 'cause it's pieced together, but I think it's great, you know, like, sort of, the whole The sum of its parts is better thanyou know.
Whatever they say.
Over in the nail salon, Tanner was busy talking about what he thought was the Boxster's best feature Himself.
For eight years, I was a driving instructor at an ice-driving school.
Okay.
And, uh, that's where I really learned car control and about sliding and drifting, and for a number of years, I did drifting, which is actually a very Asian sport.
Back in the Corvette, it was time to play my ace.
So, what happened to your arm? UhTook a bullet in a drive-by.
You know.
Saved a baby.
It's not important.
Oh, my God! Okay! Well, there went Tanner.
Let's go faster! All right, here's my two laps.
So, you're into the zodiac? Oh, my goodness! Hold on.
Hold on.
Don't be scared.
That's perfect there.
Oh, there's Rutledge.
Hold on.
- Okay.
- Got it.
Okay.
We'd completed two laps, and, in true midlife-crisis style, it was time to swap girls.
Yeah, right? Get on it! You can do better than that! How did you injure your arm? Oh, uh, Tanner's a race-car driver.
He was in a wreck, and they didn't have the jaws of life, so I had to hop the fence and rip him out.
- Really? - But he's fine now.
I was keeping my strategy simple But not quite as simple as Tanner.
Then we got into a sport called "drifting" Which is like driving sideways, kind of a thing.
You probably know the start of hot-rodding was really the SCTA, the Southern California Timing Association.
That was really, like, the first start, all the guys coming back from the war.
Did Rutledge tell you about his tattoo? He has a little He has a little bunny rabbit, he calls it.
I don't believe you.
It's very strange, isn't it? Adam has one, too.
They got 'em together.
Yeah.
Safety first.
Look at that smile! Am I right?! I like it slow.
Isn't this thing fun? I'm glad I got my seatbelt on.
Yes! You know, you're not living if you don't need a seatbelt.
Listen.
I apologize so much for the Rat Rod and the Boxster, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
I'm glad I get to be in control.
See? Now you're in control, and you get to drive the Corvette.
Ohhh! Sorry! Sorry! Real nice! Coming up, we find out which one of us most impressed the ladies.
"I didn't feel safe at all.
" And later, we drag race for our cars' survival.
Come on, baby! Go, go, go! We were in Florida, competing over who'd chosen the best affordable car for a midlife crisis.
Despite my injury, my driver, Mickey, and I had won two challenges.
We'd just tested our car's sex appeal and were about to find out what our passengers thought, starting with the Corvette.
"Smelled old, and not very clean.
" Oh, that no, that was the car.
That wasn't you.
"I like that I got to drive the car.
Adam is a hero.
" Says it right there.
'Cause you saved babies, puppies And me out of a burning car.
What am I gonna do, let you die? Why did you tell 'em I I got a tattoo? - Yeah.
- What? We have matching tattoos? UhRat rod.
"He seemed more interested in the car than me.
" Rat Rod.
"I didn't feel safe at all.
" Three exclamation points, and she underlined it.
That's serious.
Let's see.
Porsche.
"Outdated.
"Guy seems to be graying, but not comfortable about it.
He should probably use one of those five-minute things.
" That's what it said.
Those five-minute things? It doesn't say anything.
It says, "outdated, he talks a lot about himself.
" That's 'cause she was asking.
Oh, yeah.
It was time to see who got closest to the maximum score of 30.
I got 5 for the Corvette.
5 for the 'Vette here.
4 for the 'Vette, so that would be 14.
Yes.
Porsche, I got 6.
Got 6 over here.
That's 12.
- What do you got? - 3.
15! Oh! Get more excited.
Which would be more than the Corvette.
Let's find out for the Rat Rod.
I got 2.
- That's it? - Yeah.
What'd you get? I got I got 3.
- Zero.
- Donut! Yeah! What's next?! Chicks dig it! Okay.
As we neared our journey's end in Miami, our thoughts turned to how to escape the inevitable.
Hey, fellas, do you think you can avoid a midlife crisis? Yes, I do.
Driving fast cars, dating young women, and being super tan.
Perfect! Tanner, you're never gonna be in a midlife crisis, because you've never left one.
I think I can avoid a midlife crisis by just doing the same thing Have lots of fun and have lots of cars that I don't need to have.
That's it.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
"Honey, I don't want to go through a midlife crisis.
"That's why I brought home the '67 GTO.
I'm doing this for you, baby.
" As we entered Miami for our finally challenge, we were reminded of what a midlife-crisis car looks like when you're not on a budget.
You guys see this? It's bentleys, and a Ferrari, and a Jaguar, then a Mercedes.
It's everywhere.
And a lot younger people than I thought.
This is the land of Lamborghini, brashness, crazy, skittle-colored cars, like the Porsche.
I think this car could be a little bit more gaudy and it would fit right in.
Man, uh, I think we might be slightly outclassed, gentlemen.
The prefect midlife-crisis car should stand out from the crowd, so in traditional Miami style, we needed to make a few nips and tucks before meeting up the following morning for our final challenge.
Like that.
Oh, what did you do?! I made it better! You going to a dirt track later? What, are you kidding me? Look at those monster wheels.
Deck stripes? That is so fantastically redneck.
Yee-haw, baby.
Have you seen any rednecks in South beach? I've seen one.
It's just it's the sun.
It'sIt's different.
I wow! Look at you.
Huh? Look at that.
This is young, it's bright, it's loud.
How about those stacks, huh? - Yeah.
- The flames? I don't know why you put flames on it.
That thing's gonna burst into flames any second.
You'll get real ones.
I went younger, you went toddler.
It's not that bad.
Speaking of "toddler," where's Tanner? Awesome.
Oh, come on.
Yeah, there it is.
That's nice.
That's nice.
Thank you.
Good.
Feel better about yourself? How did you make this terrible car worse? Wow! Look.
I'm not happy about it.
There was a little miscommunication.
Don't touch that.
What air-conditioning company did you go to to get this done? You know what? I thought that they spoke English.
They were smiling and nodding the whole time.
The number is obviously - Creepy.
- I said 34.
Not even close.
I don't know what language "34" sounds like "69.
" Now that we've made these a little younger, what are we gonna do with 'em? Let's find out.
"The ultimate show of the bravado of youth is street racing for pink slips.
" Yeah.
"To prove which of your midlife-crisis vehicles "best transports you back to your youth, "you'll now each race a young person on a drag strip.
Lose and you lose your car.
" You know what? That whole idea came from hot-rodding.
I mean, when you would race someone else for pink slips The titles of the car That was serious! You were laying down the law! You said, "I believe in this thing!" Grandpa's rambling again.
Get in there.
It's like it's just made for me! It's not even a challenge! The drag strip was on the outskirts of Miami.
Despite its rattles, poor steering, and lack of any real brakes, there was something special about my Rat Rod.
See that? I knew it.
People love this thing.
I have created the ultimate midlife-crisis-mobile.
Which is also why I don't want to lose this car in a drag race.
Tanner's motivation was a bit different.
With these modifications, anything remote charismatic about this car is completely gone, but I'm still not gonna let the other guys beat me.
Oh, it's a little Porsche-on-Porsche action! One's a Porsche And one should be ashamed of itself.
Countyline dragway.
Here we are, gentlemen.
Turning right.
Here we go! Get out your pink slips, fellas! The signs weren't good.
Most of the competition looked like they had a lot more to spend on their cars than we had.
Hey, fellas, do you see what I see? I see a lot of cars.
A lot of cool cars.
There's a Raptor.
About 12 Honda Civics.
Rutledge, you should love that.
You know I do.
My God, is this "fast and furious"? There's a Viper.
Thank you.
He likes my wing.
Okay, there's two GT-RS here.
Two.
A GT3.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
What's up, man? And an R8.
This isn't good.
I think we're in trouble, fellas.
Whew! It's a little toasty with that roof off.
- Oh! - It's hot! Hey, watch out for that guy.
I see a lot of fast cars.
Did you guys count on all this horsepower being here? No.
Yeah, they have some hot cars down here, for sure.
All right, here's a rule.
Can't race against the same car.
All right? We got to beat individual cars.
So we're gonna pick three cars? Three cars will race against us.
I already know which one I want.
What do you want? Chevy S-10, baby.
Yeah! Oh, you dirty You're gonna pick the one four-cylinder S-10 here and run that.
I know you were thinking about it.
I'm gonna take the Honda Civic.
Which one? There's like nine of 'em.
That one.
I'll take the Ford Focus.
Let's go.
Watch out for the wing.
Don't touch it! (Bleep) I chose to go first.
I was having a hard time deciding which was worse Losing the Rat Rod or dying trying to keep it.
This This is where it gets real.
He chose a Focus ST.
I don't think he realizes how quick those things are.
Oh, man.
I just hope I survive this.
Oh, it's getting real.
Yeah.
You feel that over there? Now, I picked that Focus for one reason.
It is a front-wheel-drive turbo.
I'm hoping he gets a lot of wheel spin.
In that time, I dig out of this hole, and I'll be gone, hopefully before he can catch me.
If I say it enough, I'll start to believe that.
- Here we go.
- All right.
This is it.
I really don't want to lose this car.
Here we go.
Oh! Oh, I got him out of the hole! Come on, baby! Go, go, go! We were just outside Miami on a journey to find the perfect car to restore our youth.
Adam's Corvette had won two challenges, and Tanner had won one.
And now we were trying to hang on to our cars in a drag race for pink slips.
Oh! Oh, I got him out of the hole! Come on, baby! Go, go, go! Come on! Get him, Rut! Go, go, go, go, go! It's gonna be close! He's catching him! Oh, my gosh! I did it! I did it! Son of a (Bleep)! Oh, the bearded lady brings it home! Oh, that is a miracle! That is a miracle! Oh, I did it! That is so cool.
Whew! What's up, there, speed racer? Did you see that?! Yes! You know, the Focus blew the start.
You didn't win as much as he lost.
Down the rest of the track, he was pulling you like crazy.
Did he blow the start, or did I just have an incredible start? Maybe his start was great Mine was just better.
No.
He blew the start.
I don't know about you guys, but I feel alive! I feel young again! Who's going next? That's me.
Good.
Hurry up before he bursts into song.
Go get me an S-10.
I feel alive.
Do you want to go skydiving sometime? - No! - Me either.
I decided to race against the S-10 with a 50-mile-per-hour rolling start, but as I sat at the gate, it became obvious I was in trouble.
You hear that? Yeah.
That is not a four-cylinder S-10.
Awesome.
Oh! Oh, there it goes.
I just got hustled.
I chose poorly.
I'm gonna lose my car in three seconds.
Here we go, big daddy.
Here we go! Oh, that truck is fast! Oh! Go! Go! It's so close! It's almost hanging with him! And It's gone! No! Oh, well, it had a good run.
I just lost my car! He's miserable right now You know that.
He's thinking of any excuse to tell us right now.
- What happened? The clutch went completely out.
Pedal stuck to the floor.
Done.
He blames the machine! Whatever.
He beat me.
All right.
Gentlemen, I'm gonna go wake up Mickey.
I'd chosen to run the Corvette against a Honda Civic with a classic standing start.
Oh, boy.
All right, gentlemen.
It all comes down to this.
If the 'Vette wins this, it wins everything.
How do you figure? Well, it won the braking test in the swamp.
It won the obstacle course.
You won this.
You lost your car entirely.
All right.
Fair enough.
If you win this, Corvette's the best midlife-crisis car.
So, what's your plan? What till you see my secret weapon.
This is designed to intimidate your opponent.
Mickey! Mickey! Unleash the dragon! Oh! So Okay, I-I'm confused.
That's supposed to psyche him out? Yeah.
Look at him.
He's terrified.
I think that might be on fire.
Seriously, it's catching your car on fire.
Mick, I don't want you to worry, but the car's on fi Oh, there you go.
That was good.
Thank you, sir.
Mick, don't get up.
Boy, this is going great so far.
Oh, the Corvette looks hungry.
Look at Mickey.
Go get him, Mick! You got it, man.
You got it.
You don't have a chance.
Here we go! Go, Mick! Go, Mick! Go get him, Mick! He's gone! He's gone! Porsche wins! Porsche wins! You lost! I win! The Rat Rod wins! Sorry, I tried to go for it there.
Look, I may have lost the Corvette, but I won more than you did.
I doesn't matter what you won.
Neither of you have a car anymore.
Of course it matters.
I won the only one that really counts, and that is that chicks dig it, 'cause that's really what all this fancy car stuff is about, right? No! I hate that face.
Yeah.
Well, guess what? You guys need to admit that I won, or you can just stay here forever.
Your choice.
Okay.
What do you think, Mick? I like it.
- You know what I decided? - What? I am never gonna have a midlife crisis.
I'm just not gonna do it.
I'm gonna fight it at every single turn.
Good for you.
Have fun with the Porsche! Define "fun.
" Good luck with that thing.
Whoa! Naples, Florida One of the richest cities in America, and home to people trying to recapture their youth through younger wives, yearlong tans, and flashy cars.
But what if you can't afford a hundred-grand toy to help you turn back the clock? Is there a less expensive solution for a midlife crisis? We were told to pick our favorites and meet by the water, and I had brought a time machine.
0 to 60 in 5.
5 seconds.
Top speed of 158.
Young, virile, fast, loud.
Prince was right.
Little red Corvette.
I'd chosen a 300-horsepower 1993 Corvette The 40th year of America's favorite sports car.
If you're looking for a cure for a midlife crisis, look no further.
That's a man's car.
And that's not.
There's a hairdressers convention in town.
It's not a hairdresser's car.
Are you kidding? This is a pure Porsche, through and through 1998 Boxster.
Okay, it may not have been the manliest Porsche ever built, but with the perfect balance of a mint engine, rear-wheel drive, and that all-important Porsche badge to turn heads, it's exactly what a midlifer should be driving.
Tanner, the point of a midlife crisis is to get women, not turn into one.
Well, I will give you that the Corvette is a good midlife-crisis car.
You're damn right! But everybody knows that if you drive one of these, then you're definitely old.
It's like they don't even need to see who's driving it.
They're like, "eh, too old.
" This one, you got a chance.
I knew you were gonna pick a Porsche.
I knew you were gonna pick a Corvette.
What do you think Rut picked? I didn't think he'd pick that.
I don't want to look.
It looks like his wife told him to clean up the yard and he built something.
Oh, good lord.
At least it looks really slow.
Seriously? Wow! Is that you guys? I can't see that high.
Look, it's zz crap.
Wow, that is Look at you! You want duct tape? What do you think? Have I nailed it, or have I nailed it? 1933 Ford model a pickup Rat Rod.
What could scream, "look at me, I'm still virile" more than a homemade car? Rat Rods are made using parts from different vehicles and are the most affordable version of a Hot Rod.
Mine had a Chevy 350 v8 and parts of at least 20 cars.
This, my friends, is the fountain of youth on four wheels.
This is what people get when they've given up, not when they want to go back for more.
No now, this is gonna be a stretch here.
I'm gonna just guess The yellow Porsche is yours.
Come on! Just look how old I look right now.
Oddly, it it Like seven years, right? Seven, ten years off? It makes you look your age.
That's the worst part of that car.
This this is a midlife-crisis car.
Yeah, if you were born in 1896.
How's your shoulder doing? It's all right.
It'll be fine.
The stig is on his way.
I got news for you.
Stig's not coming.
Hey, Mickey! Mickey? If the stig drove for Adam again, he'd have an unfair advantage, so we found somebody with Adam's skill level An aging movie stuntman with a habit of wrecking cars.
I'm not getting behind the wheel with him! Guy's a legend.
He's been in the stunt industry for 52 years.
He was stunt coordinator for "Butch Cassidy," for crying out loud.
There were no cars in that! - Hey, how's it hanging, Mickey? - Eh.
Hey, Mickey! - How are you? - Good, how you doing? This is Adam.
- Hey, Mickey.
- How are ya? Nice to see you.
How you doing, son? Mick, uh, I hope you don't mind me asking, buthow old are you? Well, I just had lunch, so Perfect.
To find out which of our cars was the ultimate fountain of youth, we were going to make a 150-mile journey across the Everglades, from Naples to Miami.
Our first challenge was 20 miles away.
Over in the Corvette, Adam and Mickey were getting acquainted.
So, Mickey Mickey! Don't be alarmed.
There's no horse in front of this carriage.
The accelerator is the one on the right.
Oh, there you go.
If you think about what a midlife crisis is, really, it'sit's an attack of age.
It's a denial of really how old you are An unwillingness to accept the fact that you are, in fact, getting old and soon will die.
And that is why every midlifer needs a Boxster.
Let's be honest.
It's not about looking young or tricking people into being young.
It's about feeling young, and driving this car makes you feel like a kid.
If my Boxster was like going on spring break, Adam's Corvette was like a swingers party.
The Corvette is the quintessential midlife-crisis car.
Why? Because it recaptures your youth.
Someone painted this one red to say, "hi, I'm here!" And look at the shape of this thing.
All I'm saying is if you own this car, your garage door should be a zipper.
To me, this is the perfect midlife-crisis car.
It's not something you would think, "oh, I should drive one of these every day" unless you're a little bit crazy.
And who does crazy things? Young people.
I would propose that there are probably multiple stages to the midlife crisis.
Well, there's the crazy haircut, you know, maybe bleaching your hair, or Maybe a tattoo.
Possibly an earring.
You know, just as many women go through a midlife crisis, too.
That's why it's perfect you guys picked cars that a woman would pick if she was having a midlife crisis.
We arrived at our first challenge, a test to find which of our cars' speed and handling was the most youthful.
How's that ride? Oh, I got to get one of these.
That is awesome.
We'd race around a one-mile course marked with flags.
For each flag hit, there would be a five-second penalty.
The two slowest times would be saddled with the midlife-crisis gear.
Nice jacket.
Wow.
Look at all this.
What is that? Ooh.
That looks like self-Tanner.
This is an olympic merkin.
Ooh, a mullet.
First up was Rat in the Rut rod.
This thing only weighs 2,700 pounds, so I'm fine with it going in a straight line.
It's when you have to turn that that's when my concerns start.
All right.
That's reverse! On your mark! Get set! Go! Oh (Bleep) Ooh! That sounds terrible.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, boy.
It is not meant To turn any direction except straight.
You think the engine's gonna go first? I think the entire front end is gonna pop off.
- Whoa! - Oh! Okay, he almost hit the church.
Oh! Ooh! Oh, there's no suspension there.
I'm gonna get thrown out of this thing! He's terrified! Look at him! Okay.
Back over nope, that's not not gonna make that.
Oh, there's a flag there.
Flag down.
That's five seconds.
Oh, he hit another one.
Real sharp left here.
Oh (Bleep) - Okay, there's the curb.
- Ooh! Eh, he couldn't make the turn.
Oh, come on! I've never worked so hard in a car before in my life.
There we go.
Oh, he's on the move again.
- There he goes.
- Unbelievable.
Okay! And he hit another flag.
Here we go.
Whoa, back up on the street! Here he comes! Oh, he's on it now.
Stopping the clock.
Oh! That's good! That thing should come with an anchor.
I'm alive! Oh, shut it down.
Shut it down! Think we found your problem.
How you feeling? My face hurts.
I just That was so terrifying.
How'd I do? 3:11.
3:11?! That's 311 days.
That's a great band.
And three flags.
Ooh.
So add 15 to that.
You do it.
3:26.
This thing sucks! That is terrible.
Do you feel younger? I feel so much younger.
I feel alive right now.
All right, 3:26 is the time to beat.
I have full confidence in MickeyI think.
This was my chance to see if Mickey could drive better than he could hear.
Ready, Mick? You ready, Mick?! Mickey! Okay, go.
That'll work.
Push the button.
I did.
Get on it, Mick! There you go! I don't know.
I felt like I was going a lot faster.
That is absolutely not the truth.
Here he goes, into the dirt.
Oh, oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Sketchy right there.
There you go, Mick! Hang it out! - Yeah! - Ooh! That's all right, Mick! You keep going! Adam, he drives just like you! What's the penalty for a tree? He didn't hit the tree yet.
That flag went.
Still five seconds.
Mick's all right.
Look at him.
He's back on track.
Go get 'em, Mick! He's driving like it's 3:30, he's got to get to Denny's by 4:00.
All right, now, this is where it gets hairy.
- Ooh! - Oh! Oh, he popped a tire.
Oh, he popped a tire! This is awesome! It's all right! Still finish, Mick! Oh, here's a good jump! Oh, he's got a flat tire! He's on the rim! He's on the rim and he's still going! That's it, Mick! What's the penalty for a curb? Come on, Mick! Let's go! Hammer down! Come on, Mick! Come on, Mick! There you go! Stop the clock! Stop the clock! Great job, Mick! Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead! Oh, goodness, gracious.
That'll buff out.
More importantly, we got the time here.
- How many flags? - Two.
Okay, so, 10 seconds added onto 2:10 makes 2:20.
Time to beat.
No sweat.
2:20, time to beat, Mick.
Good job, Mick! Oh, man.
All right.
There's no denying that the Porsche is quick and nimble, but fast it is not.
The Corvette probably has it beat there.
And Mickey hustled it a little bit.
He made a bit of a mistake, but I'm gonna have to push it to beat the Corvette.
All right, you pansies.
Push the button.
Count 'em down.
Here we go in three, two, one, go! Coming up, we find new ways to recapture our youth.
Let's go faster! We were in Florida, on a journey to find the perfect car for a midlife crisis.
- Whoa! - Oh! Our first challenge was an obstacle course.
Lose, and we'd have to take on a pile of midlife accessories.
So far, my designated driver, Mickey, had somehow beaten Rut with a time of 2:20.
Now it was tiny dancer's turn.
And we're off! Do I feel 12 again? Yes, I kind of do.
Ooh, clutch is a little bit hurty.
Whoa.
Oh, man.
She's a nimble one! That's for sure! Whoo! Oh, I hate him.
Into the gravel we go! Yeah, this feels like I'm sneaking through the church parking lot when I was 10.
That is true.
Almost hitting that flag.
Oh, this is where Mickey lost it.
- Nope.
- He's good.
Where do we go? Okay, this way.
I think I'm about even with Mickey at this point.
This is where Mickey caught the curb.
Not gonna do that.
Not gonna do that.
Whoa, little bit of a jump! All right, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Shortcut time! Oh, the door opened! No, no, no.
Uh Help? What did you do?! You know you hit a flag, right? It was a bad idea, okay? It was a terrible idea! I got in the moment.
I can't pass a puddle up.
You know that.
You know what's gonna be helpful is, when you're towing that jet ski around, you could get out and play in the puddle.
Glasses, tan, and a jet ski.
After a few quick fixes, we headed east towards Miami and our next challenge.
Just for the record, you guys look great! I realize that I look silly.
I'm riding in a Rat Rod that has basically no suspension, no tachometer, no speedometer, so do I really feel worse that I look like an idiot? Not much.
I'm really glad I'm not pulling the jet ski.
That would be stupid.
Dude, if you met Snooki right now, she would love you.
Tan, in your midlife crisis, you're gonna be going to those clubs and everyone's gonna be like, "dude, someone's father's here looking for her.
" What did you tell me the clue to dating a younger woman was? You take half your age Hey! Don't do that! Were you slamming on the brakes on purpose? That's not funny, man.
After just 20 miles of looking like he was heading to a bachelorette party, Tanner had a crisis of his own.
This stuff is just dumb.
I'm losing this, and I'm losing this damn trailer, too.
Forget this thing.
Oh! - Oh! - Oh, my Yeah! She's free! She's a Porsche again.
You're a little orange moron.
You know what? If he's lost the jet ski The jacket goes with it.
That's fair.
I'm sure that was a total accident.
You didn't mean to throw it off.
You idiot.
It's just an unsafe idea.
As opposed to that, which is a good idea? This doesn't just wash off.
No! Don't lose it! Leave the mullet forever! You keep that.
I can't.
Sorry, bros.
With the ladies bailing early on their punishment, we headed deep into the everglades for our next challenge.
Wow.
Yeah.
This place is out there, isn't it? This is out there and around the bend.
Oh, no way.
Check out the gators.
I can see three gators, which is three more than I like to see.
It's the ones you can't see that's gonna kill you.
Make sure they're not right here.
Right there?! I've seen "Crocodile Dundee.
" I know.
What are we doing here? Our next challenge was a game of automotive chicken.
We each had to drive towards a swamp and get to 50 miles per hour before we could hit the brakes.
Whoever got closest to the water without going in would win.
It's all about how much gusto you have.
"Gusto.
" - We get it.
- I got it.
- You know what? - Virility.
You should go first.
No.
You should go first.
Why don't you go first? No, your car's right there.
Logisti it would just work better Oh, for God's sake, I'll go first.
Mickey'll go first.
Yeah, I appreciate that turmoil there, for about three seconds.
That was brave.
Let's be honest.
How long has he got left, anyway? Oh, gosh.
Mickey had survived a 50-year stunt career working alongside legends.
Hopefully, this wouldn't be the gig that killed him.
Are you ready, Mick? You ready Mick?! Yes, sir.
I can't believe you're actually not riding with him.
I can't.
Doctor says I can't ride.
Get ready to jump.
He's gonna be fine.
He drives like you.
- Holy crap.
- Oh! Oh, he's flying! Whoa! He does drive like me.
Oh, she's sliding, sliding, sli - Yes! - What? Yes! My man! Mickey, my man! And he knew Steve McQueen! Ha ha! You know what? I never saw, like, a doctor's note or anything.
- Did you? - Mickey! That's great, baby! Ha ha! Huh? Look at that, fellas! The hairdresser was up next.
Why are we doing this? Why are we playing with alligators? All right, gentlemen.
You ready? We're ready.
You ready? Hell yes, I'm ready.
Do it! Here I come.
20.
30.
40.
- Here he comes.
- Oh, he is flying.
50! Feels awfully fast! Oh! Oh! Aaah! He's in! He's in! Just a bit too far.
This is not the time when you want ABS.
Nailed it! That's fine right there! I'm just gonna back up a little bit.
There you go.
No way he pulled that out.
Yes, he did.
Now, see, that's impressive.
Yeah.
Oh, washed off the front.
I'm gonna say that my nose got, like, about the same amount of water as the Corvette.
You notice that rear wheel's wet? That's 'cause you had all four in! That couldn't be true.
- You lost.
- Yeah.
I didn't actually loseyet.
You're right.
He hasn't gone.
You can't even say the words "I lost," can you? Well, technically You did.
You're next.
Give me the radio.
Give him the radio.
Ow.
He can't say it.
He can't say it.
I do not have antilock brakes, because this has hardly any brakes at all, and I know what you're thinking.
"Why are you taking your shoes and socks off?" Well, I really like these sneakers, and, frankly, if something goes wrong, I do not want to get them wet.
Rut, how you doin'? I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
Hope you got your anti-alligator-bite kit and wet suit on.
You ready to go? Dear lord, please let me get through this.
I do not want to get hurt in this.
I'm ready.
In three Oh, just go.
Oh, my gosh! This is a bad idea! Ohhh! Here he comes.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, God, he's bringing it.
We were on a journey to Miami to see which of us had chosen the best four-wheeled fountain of youth.
The Corvette had won the handling challenge.
Oh! Now we were in the middle of a game of chicken.
We had to reach 50 miles per hour, then slam on the brakes without going into the water.
It was not looking good for Rut.
Oh, my gosh! This is a bad idea! Ohhh! Oh, my gosh.
Oh, God, he's bringing it.
Oh! Oh (Bleep) Aaaaah! Oh, Rut! Aaaah! Oh, you are (Bleep) Kidding! Oh, I hit it! I'm pretty sure I hit the water! That was awesome! I'm just gonna swim to shore! Oh, that's Oh, what's in oh, oh! Something's touching me! There you go.
Now, Tanner, the difference between you and I is I am fairly certain I lost.
Yes, you did.
And I can say it.
Also, the open windshield.
Bad, bad design.
All righty, then.
Come on, wring out your pants, and let's go.
After a night of drying Rut's pants with a hair dryer, we continued our trip and met up for our next challenge at homestead speedy, just outside Miami.
Thanks, Mick.
How awesome is this place? Nice to be back in a Nascar track.
Isn't this where they have the last race of the season? Yeah.
Every year.
Very cool.
What are we doing here? The best midlife-crisis car should be irresistible to the opposite sex, so for this challenge, we had to impress three women.
So, how's this gonna work? Mickey's gonna do all the impressing for you? It's all right.
Don't you worry about me.
I have a plan, okay? Where are these girls, anyway? Right there.
Great googly moogly.
Hello, ladies.
Hi.
We'd take each of the girls for two laps of the track, and they'd award scores based on our vehicle's sex appeal.
Have you ever been in a machine like this before? Now, this is gonna be a different experience than the other two because you are gonna drive the Corvette.
I actually get to drive? - Yes, you do.
- All right! Oh.
Sorry.
Hold on.
Here we go.
- Feel that? - Yeah.
That is power, my dear.
And I want you to enjoy it.
Go ahead.
Stomp on it.
Get some, girl.
While my passenger was experiencing empowerment, Rut's passenger was working on her fake smile.
So, it's weird They call this a "Rat Rod," 'cause it's pieced together, but I think it's great, you know, like, sort of, the whole The sum of its parts is better thanyou know.
Whatever they say.
Over in the nail salon, Tanner was busy talking about what he thought was the Boxster's best feature Himself.
For eight years, I was a driving instructor at an ice-driving school.
Okay.
And, uh, that's where I really learned car control and about sliding and drifting, and for a number of years, I did drifting, which is actually a very Asian sport.
Back in the Corvette, it was time to play my ace.
So, what happened to your arm? UhTook a bullet in a drive-by.
You know.
Saved a baby.
It's not important.
Oh, my God! Okay! Well, there went Tanner.
Let's go faster! All right, here's my two laps.
So, you're into the zodiac? Oh, my goodness! Hold on.
Hold on.
Don't be scared.
That's perfect there.
Oh, there's Rutledge.
Hold on.
- Okay.
- Got it.
Okay.
We'd completed two laps, and, in true midlife-crisis style, it was time to swap girls.
Yeah, right? Get on it! You can do better than that! How did you injure your arm? Oh, uh, Tanner's a race-car driver.
He was in a wreck, and they didn't have the jaws of life, so I had to hop the fence and rip him out.
- Really? - But he's fine now.
I was keeping my strategy simple But not quite as simple as Tanner.
Then we got into a sport called "drifting" Which is like driving sideways, kind of a thing.
You probably know the start of hot-rodding was really the SCTA, the Southern California Timing Association.
That was really, like, the first start, all the guys coming back from the war.
Did Rutledge tell you about his tattoo? He has a little He has a little bunny rabbit, he calls it.
I don't believe you.
It's very strange, isn't it? Adam has one, too.
They got 'em together.
Yeah.
Safety first.
Look at that smile! Am I right?! I like it slow.
Isn't this thing fun? I'm glad I got my seatbelt on.
Yes! You know, you're not living if you don't need a seatbelt.
Listen.
I apologize so much for the Rat Rod and the Boxster, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
I'm glad I get to be in control.
See? Now you're in control, and you get to drive the Corvette.
Ohhh! Sorry! Sorry! Real nice! Coming up, we find out which one of us most impressed the ladies.
"I didn't feel safe at all.
" And later, we drag race for our cars' survival.
Come on, baby! Go, go, go! We were in Florida, competing over who'd chosen the best affordable car for a midlife crisis.
Despite my injury, my driver, Mickey, and I had won two challenges.
We'd just tested our car's sex appeal and were about to find out what our passengers thought, starting with the Corvette.
"Smelled old, and not very clean.
" Oh, that no, that was the car.
That wasn't you.
"I like that I got to drive the car.
Adam is a hero.
" Says it right there.
'Cause you saved babies, puppies And me out of a burning car.
What am I gonna do, let you die? Why did you tell 'em I I got a tattoo? - Yeah.
- What? We have matching tattoos? UhRat rod.
"He seemed more interested in the car than me.
" Rat Rod.
"I didn't feel safe at all.
" Three exclamation points, and she underlined it.
That's serious.
Let's see.
Porsche.
"Outdated.
"Guy seems to be graying, but not comfortable about it.
He should probably use one of those five-minute things.
" That's what it said.
Those five-minute things? It doesn't say anything.
It says, "outdated, he talks a lot about himself.
" That's 'cause she was asking.
Oh, yeah.
It was time to see who got closest to the maximum score of 30.
I got 5 for the Corvette.
5 for the 'Vette here.
4 for the 'Vette, so that would be 14.
Yes.
Porsche, I got 6.
Got 6 over here.
That's 12.
- What do you got? - 3.
15! Oh! Get more excited.
Which would be more than the Corvette.
Let's find out for the Rat Rod.
I got 2.
- That's it? - Yeah.
What'd you get? I got I got 3.
- Zero.
- Donut! Yeah! What's next?! Chicks dig it! Okay.
As we neared our journey's end in Miami, our thoughts turned to how to escape the inevitable.
Hey, fellas, do you think you can avoid a midlife crisis? Yes, I do.
Driving fast cars, dating young women, and being super tan.
Perfect! Tanner, you're never gonna be in a midlife crisis, because you've never left one.
I think I can avoid a midlife crisis by just doing the same thing Have lots of fun and have lots of cars that I don't need to have.
That's it.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
"Honey, I don't want to go through a midlife crisis.
"That's why I brought home the '67 GTO.
I'm doing this for you, baby.
" As we entered Miami for our finally challenge, we were reminded of what a midlife-crisis car looks like when you're not on a budget.
You guys see this? It's bentleys, and a Ferrari, and a Jaguar, then a Mercedes.
It's everywhere.
And a lot younger people than I thought.
This is the land of Lamborghini, brashness, crazy, skittle-colored cars, like the Porsche.
I think this car could be a little bit more gaudy and it would fit right in.
Man, uh, I think we might be slightly outclassed, gentlemen.
The prefect midlife-crisis car should stand out from the crowd, so in traditional Miami style, we needed to make a few nips and tucks before meeting up the following morning for our final challenge.
Like that.
Oh, what did you do?! I made it better! You going to a dirt track later? What, are you kidding me? Look at those monster wheels.
Deck stripes? That is so fantastically redneck.
Yee-haw, baby.
Have you seen any rednecks in South beach? I've seen one.
It's just it's the sun.
It'sIt's different.
I wow! Look at you.
Huh? Look at that.
This is young, it's bright, it's loud.
How about those stacks, huh? - Yeah.
- The flames? I don't know why you put flames on it.
That thing's gonna burst into flames any second.
You'll get real ones.
I went younger, you went toddler.
It's not that bad.
Speaking of "toddler," where's Tanner? Awesome.
Oh, come on.
Yeah, there it is.
That's nice.
That's nice.
Thank you.
Good.
Feel better about yourself? How did you make this terrible car worse? Wow! Look.
I'm not happy about it.
There was a little miscommunication.
Don't touch that.
What air-conditioning company did you go to to get this done? You know what? I thought that they spoke English.
They were smiling and nodding the whole time.
The number is obviously - Creepy.
- I said 34.
Not even close.
I don't know what language "34" sounds like "69.
" Now that we've made these a little younger, what are we gonna do with 'em? Let's find out.
"The ultimate show of the bravado of youth is street racing for pink slips.
" Yeah.
"To prove which of your midlife-crisis vehicles "best transports you back to your youth, "you'll now each race a young person on a drag strip.
Lose and you lose your car.
" You know what? That whole idea came from hot-rodding.
I mean, when you would race someone else for pink slips The titles of the car That was serious! You were laying down the law! You said, "I believe in this thing!" Grandpa's rambling again.
Get in there.
It's like it's just made for me! It's not even a challenge! The drag strip was on the outskirts of Miami.
Despite its rattles, poor steering, and lack of any real brakes, there was something special about my Rat Rod.
See that? I knew it.
People love this thing.
I have created the ultimate midlife-crisis-mobile.
Which is also why I don't want to lose this car in a drag race.
Tanner's motivation was a bit different.
With these modifications, anything remote charismatic about this car is completely gone, but I'm still not gonna let the other guys beat me.
Oh, it's a little Porsche-on-Porsche action! One's a Porsche And one should be ashamed of itself.
Countyline dragway.
Here we are, gentlemen.
Turning right.
Here we go! Get out your pink slips, fellas! The signs weren't good.
Most of the competition looked like they had a lot more to spend on their cars than we had.
Hey, fellas, do you see what I see? I see a lot of cars.
A lot of cool cars.
There's a Raptor.
About 12 Honda Civics.
Rutledge, you should love that.
You know I do.
My God, is this "fast and furious"? There's a Viper.
Thank you.
He likes my wing.
Okay, there's two GT-RS here.
Two.
A GT3.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
What's up, man? And an R8.
This isn't good.
I think we're in trouble, fellas.
Whew! It's a little toasty with that roof off.
- Oh! - It's hot! Hey, watch out for that guy.
I see a lot of fast cars.
Did you guys count on all this horsepower being here? No.
Yeah, they have some hot cars down here, for sure.
All right, here's a rule.
Can't race against the same car.
All right? We got to beat individual cars.
So we're gonna pick three cars? Three cars will race against us.
I already know which one I want.
What do you want? Chevy S-10, baby.
Yeah! Oh, you dirty You're gonna pick the one four-cylinder S-10 here and run that.
I know you were thinking about it.
I'm gonna take the Honda Civic.
Which one? There's like nine of 'em.
That one.
I'll take the Ford Focus.
Let's go.
Watch out for the wing.
Don't touch it! (Bleep) I chose to go first.
I was having a hard time deciding which was worse Losing the Rat Rod or dying trying to keep it.
This This is where it gets real.
He chose a Focus ST.
I don't think he realizes how quick those things are.
Oh, man.
I just hope I survive this.
Oh, it's getting real.
Yeah.
You feel that over there? Now, I picked that Focus for one reason.
It is a front-wheel-drive turbo.
I'm hoping he gets a lot of wheel spin.
In that time, I dig out of this hole, and I'll be gone, hopefully before he can catch me.
If I say it enough, I'll start to believe that.
- Here we go.
- All right.
This is it.
I really don't want to lose this car.
Here we go.
Oh! Oh, I got him out of the hole! Come on, baby! Go, go, go! We were just outside Miami on a journey to find the perfect car to restore our youth.
Adam's Corvette had won two challenges, and Tanner had won one.
And now we were trying to hang on to our cars in a drag race for pink slips.
Oh! Oh, I got him out of the hole! Come on, baby! Go, go, go! Come on! Get him, Rut! Go, go, go, go, go! It's gonna be close! He's catching him! Oh, my gosh! I did it! I did it! Son of a (Bleep)! Oh, the bearded lady brings it home! Oh, that is a miracle! That is a miracle! Oh, I did it! That is so cool.
Whew! What's up, there, speed racer? Did you see that?! Yes! You know, the Focus blew the start.
You didn't win as much as he lost.
Down the rest of the track, he was pulling you like crazy.
Did he blow the start, or did I just have an incredible start? Maybe his start was great Mine was just better.
No.
He blew the start.
I don't know about you guys, but I feel alive! I feel young again! Who's going next? That's me.
Good.
Hurry up before he bursts into song.
Go get me an S-10.
I feel alive.
Do you want to go skydiving sometime? - No! - Me either.
I decided to race against the S-10 with a 50-mile-per-hour rolling start, but as I sat at the gate, it became obvious I was in trouble.
You hear that? Yeah.
That is not a four-cylinder S-10.
Awesome.
Oh! Oh, there it goes.
I just got hustled.
I chose poorly.
I'm gonna lose my car in three seconds.
Here we go, big daddy.
Here we go! Oh, that truck is fast! Oh! Go! Go! It's so close! It's almost hanging with him! And It's gone! No! Oh, well, it had a good run.
I just lost my car! He's miserable right now You know that.
He's thinking of any excuse to tell us right now.
- What happened? The clutch went completely out.
Pedal stuck to the floor.
Done.
He blames the machine! Whatever.
He beat me.
All right.
Gentlemen, I'm gonna go wake up Mickey.
I'd chosen to run the Corvette against a Honda Civic with a classic standing start.
Oh, boy.
All right, gentlemen.
It all comes down to this.
If the 'Vette wins this, it wins everything.
How do you figure? Well, it won the braking test in the swamp.
It won the obstacle course.
You won this.
You lost your car entirely.
All right.
Fair enough.
If you win this, Corvette's the best midlife-crisis car.
So, what's your plan? What till you see my secret weapon.
This is designed to intimidate your opponent.
Mickey! Mickey! Unleash the dragon! Oh! So Okay, I-I'm confused.
That's supposed to psyche him out? Yeah.
Look at him.
He's terrified.
I think that might be on fire.
Seriously, it's catching your car on fire.
Mick, I don't want you to worry, but the car's on fi Oh, there you go.
That was good.
Thank you, sir.
Mick, don't get up.
Boy, this is going great so far.
Oh, the Corvette looks hungry.
Look at Mickey.
Go get him, Mick! You got it, man.
You got it.
You don't have a chance.
Here we go! Go, Mick! Go, Mick! Go get him, Mick! He's gone! He's gone! Porsche wins! Porsche wins! You lost! I win! The Rat Rod wins! Sorry, I tried to go for it there.
Look, I may have lost the Corvette, but I won more than you did.
I doesn't matter what you won.
Neither of you have a car anymore.
Of course it matters.
I won the only one that really counts, and that is that chicks dig it, 'cause that's really what all this fancy car stuff is about, right? No! I hate that face.
Yeah.
Well, guess what? You guys need to admit that I won, or you can just stay here forever.
Your choice.
Okay.
What do you think, Mick? I like it.
- You know what I decided? - What? I am never gonna have a midlife crisis.
I'm just not gonna do it.
I'm gonna fight it at every single turn.
Good for you.
Have fun with the Porsche! Define "fun.
" Good luck with that thing.