Two and a Half Men s04e10 Episode Script

So you understand the situation? I think so Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
No, No It's our condo.
I got it for us.
Not the smartest thing I ever did, but My real estate advisor was my penis.
Is that what they mean when they say 'The markets gone soft'? I don't think so.
My point is I can't afford to carry the mortgage on this place, but if we sell it we can split the profit.
Or, I could buy you out.
Do you have money? I will after we sell! Look Kandi, I'm at the end of my rope.
If I can't get out from under these bills I I may well have to declare bankruptcy.
Wow that sounds really serious.
It is! Deadly serious.
Well, in that case Want to have sex? What? I'm horny, you're stressed.
Seems like we both benefit.
Well I am really stressed.
No! It's not going to solve anything! Ok Well, I'm going to go take a shower.
- Let me know if you change your mind.
- I changed my mind.
I either drank too much Or got hit by a train.
Oh God train.
Charlie.
Oh look.
It's my sweet angel come to take me to heaven.
Don't touch me.
Hope you're proud of yourself.
Well I didn't wake up in my own vomit so, yeah.
Kind of.
You are such a child.
Many people find that to be an endearing quality.
I'm not one of them.
It would appear not.
We had fun last night though, right? Oh, terrific! What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating? Ah, that explains why I dreamt I was kissing Abe Lincoln.
Uh Oh.
Okay.
Some underwear.
No need to panic.
And a little bit of make-up.
No biggie.
Running shoes, reading glasses, flannel nightgown and the latest issue of Modern Bride magazine.
Red Alert.
- Lydia? - What? I couldn't help but notice that you uh put some of your stuff in one of my drawers.
Yeah.
Hey! You want to come in here and make up for last night? Well yeah I think we should talk about this drawer thing.
Okay.
Talk.
"Four score and seven years ago.
Fathers brought oath upon this continent a new " Morning.
That was a great job.
Yeah, you know it's good when you feel dirtier coming out than you did going in.
So what are you doing? Just practicing.
For what? Nothing in particular, just keeping sharp for my work.
Oh yeah, your little jingle thing.
Hard to believe that takes practice.
Berta, I'd like some scrambled egg whites, dry wheat toast, and Earl Grey tea.
Oh yeah? Well, I'd like some new shoes, a jet pack, and a waistline.
Really thought she was going to make you breakfast? Yo bro.
Hey.
How did it go with Kandi? Great just great! Turns out, we can be friends with benifits! Nice, and did she agree to sell the condo? What? Isn't that why you went over there in the first place? Oh yeah.
Son of a Bitch! Charlie! - You need to talk to your maid - Sh sh sh sh! Keep your voice down.
We don't use the "m" word around here.
Why not? - Because its disrespectful.
- And demeaning.
And wildly inaccurate.
Point is, Berta is the one who keeps this house running.
More importantly, she's kinda like family.
She's rude, offensive and vulgar.
Okay, exactly like family! Fine.
See if she'll do that thing with the ice cubes and the silk handkerchief you like so much.
Come on sweetie, don't be like that.
Ice cubes and a silk handkerchief? You can also use a popsicle and a necktie.
I do owe you a silk handkerchief.
And your water pick is kinda iffy.
And what ever you do, don't lick your hair brush.
Uh, I'm sorry to come over here and bother you again but, we never finished talking about selling the condo.
But I don't want to sell the condo.
I can see boats from here.
I understand, but I can't afford the payments.
I like boats.
All right, well if you won't Won't co-operate I'll just have to call my la- lawyer.
What are you doing? Chester lost his bone.
I'm looking for it.
Now? Can it wait? No, when Chester wakes up from his nap he's going to want his bone.
You can keep talking.
Okay well uh, well as I said, If you won't be reasonable, I'll just have to Have to what Alan? Son of a Bitch! What the-? We need to talk.
Okay.
I don't mind your girlfriend throwing the occasional thong or panty into the hamper.
I just fold them, and sell them at the swap meet, but this broad is taking advantage of my easy going nature.
Now to be fair Lydia does have her positive attributes.
Yeah well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rats ass.
All right, all right.
You know what she said to me Charlie? She said I need to learn my place around here.
Aww, she didn't.
Ahh, but she did.
Is that true Charlie? Do I need to learn my place around here? No Berta, we all know your place.
And where is that place Charlie? Wherever you want it to be.
There's only room for one Alpha dog in this house.
I know.
- And who is that Alpha dog Charlie? - You are.
- Say it! - You're the Alpha dog! Aww! You sweet talker you.
We'll just pretend that's morning wood.
Hey! How's it going? Well, look who is finally up.
I need some lotion on my back.
Oh, sure.
Listen, I have to talk to you about Berta.
For god sake Charlie, grow a pair.
Is this your house or her's? Well, my name is on the deed but she was here first.
Thing is, over the years, Berta and I have developed a really nice working relationship.
Do my thighs.
Right.
And the key to a happy home, I find, is to not rock the boat.
Not tamper with that balance so you really need to make the effort to treat her - Where is she now? Well she went shopping.
Anybody else around? No, anyway the thing with Berta - Why don't you put some sunscreen on your cute little bottom.
What for? 'Cause I wouldn't want you to get a nasty burn.
Why would I get a nasty - ohhh, you mean sex? Good thing you're pretty 'cause you're very slow.
Who's the alpha dog Charlie? Grow a pair Charlie.
Hey Alan come here.
What's going on? I'm doing Lydia's laundry.
Can I throw in my handkerchief? That wouldn't help, you'd probably have to burn it.
Okay.
And why are you doing Lydia's laundry? 'Cause Berta won't.
And why doesn't Lydia do it herself? 'Cause I told her I'd get Berta to do it.
Ha! And do you have any idea how to do laundry? Oh come on, you wash 'em, you dry 'em.
How tough could it be? So what do you need me for? Which one's the washer? That one.
Thanks.
Just kidding.
It's that one.
Sorry, it was the first one.
Look it says wash on the dial.
Okay, okay I can do this.
I just turn it on and stick 'em.
It's a washing maching, not a cocktail waitress.
Let's start by separating her delicates.
How is that not like a cocktail waitress? The reason you need to do these separately is 'cause they're mostly synthetic.
Had a beat up civic and ex-husband and moved back to cocktail waitress.
Charlie.
Hand me the detergent.
This stuff here? No, no.
That's fabric softner.
You put that in after the first rinse cycle.
You know what, maybe I'll just buy her some new clothes.
Don't be such a baby.
Deterget.
See Go Cold wash, cold rinse, gentle cycle done.
What's that? That would be water entering the washing machine.
Amazing! Yeah, it's pretty cutting edge.
Did I break it? Close the lid.
Son of a gun! What will they think of next? Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread, at the same time.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Very funny, now what? We wait.
How will we know when they're done? Don't worry, the machine will call you on your cell phone.
Really? I don't know what Berta is always complaining about, this is kinda fun! Yeah while you're dealing with pretty girl underwear Berta's gotta handle Jake's skinnies after P.
E.
and pudding pops.
Good point.
What are you doing? Pouring a glass of Vodka.
Is that part of "doing the laundry"? 'Cause I can really get into this! No, I'm just mad at myself.
Oh in that case pour me one.
I'm mad at you too.
What's the problem? I went over to Kandi's again.
How did that go? Not only are we not selling the condo, I may have promised to buy her a new fridge.
- Alan! - She likes getting ice without having to open the door.
You poor whip sap! Me? What about you? What about me? Charlie! You're doing a woman's laundry! No no no, no.
See, that's just me trying to pitch in.
Oh just face it, Lydia's got you wrapped around her little finger.
Does not.
She uses this one.
And not so much wrapped as skewered.
Who's using my washing machine? Excuse me, but it's my washing machine and I'm using it to wash Lydia's clothes.
You're doing laundry? Hey! It's not rocket science.
Cold wash, cold rinse, gentle cycle, but first we separate the delicates.
- Is that so? - Yeah that's so.
That's probably them now.
Hello? Oh hey mom, I thought you were my washing machine.
Oh come on! Throw the ball! Throw the ball! Or fall down.
- Charlie I'm leaving.
- Bye! I'd like a kiss.
She's still there isn't she? Yep.
Just kidding sweetie.
That's better.
Good bye Jake.
I'm not kissing you.
Oh Charlie, I almost forgot.
I'm serving hors d'oeuvres at an open house tomorrow so I'm gonna need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.
Say what? I'm talking to Charlie.
You don't mind do you? Mind, well I, uh You wanna borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer? I'm not saying I won't pay you, plus you can take home all the leftovers.
Oh gee, why don't you just toss 'em all in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard.
Well that's just a little uncalled for.
I thought I was doing you a favor.
You wanna do me a favor? You take the money that you were gonna pay me, convert it into rolls of nickels, then bend over - Berta, Berta, Berta Well I don't have to stand here and listen to this.
Charlie you have to make a decision, it's her Or me.
The skank's right Charlie.
It's her or me.
Great.
That's just great.
Did somebody say there was a big bowl of food? You got an offer on the condo? Oh oh mom, you're a life-saver! Uh, I don't care, I fully expect to take a loss.
At least I don't have to pay you a commission! Oh come on you're my mother! What, wait, hang on mom I got another call coming.
Hello? Oh oh Kandi, Kandi hello, listen.
About the condo.
My mom just got a very reasonable offer and - I give up, what are you wearing.
Hang on.
Mom I got to go.
Kandi I'll be right there.
Hey! Is Berta here? - I haven't seen her.
- Great.
I have to admit Charlie, I never thought you had the cojones Are you kidding? I've got huge cojones.
Why do you think I wear these baggy shorts? Wait, wait wait wait.
You fired Berta? Yes Alan.
She didn't know her place and she had to go.
We can't live without Berta.
I'll be right there sweetie.
You know what? We need to work on our communication skills.
You know I've always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open - No no no you jackass! God you play along like a monkey with a mandolin! You mean you didn't fire Berta? That's it, give me the mandolin.
But you promised Berta you'd get rid of Lydia.
Alan you know what this is? - No.
- Then shut your stupid mouth.
And don't tell Berta she was here.
Fine.
Just give me a heads up when you're lying.
I'm always lying.
I'll give you a heads up when I'm not.
Yeah.
You're the smart one! Know how I know? The washing machine called and told me.
Oh, high heels and cool whip.
Oh Charlie how could you? Berta, this is not what it looks like.
Charlie you lied to me.
Lydia, this is not what it looks like.
- That's it, I'm out of here.
- Me too.
Berta! Lydia! Oh come on wait! This is not what it looks like! Say it a few more times Charlie, maybe somebody will believe you.
Berta! Berta, Berta, Berta! Wait wait wait wait, you can't quit.
Why not? Because we're family! We love each other.
We forgive each other, our shortcomings.
Oh bite me.
Don't go, don't go! I promise I'll break it off with her.
No you won't, you want to know why? Because you are addicted to this broad.
Oh that's ridiculous, I can stop anytime I want.
No you can't.
You're a nookie junkie and I just can't trust you anymore.
No no no no, Wait! wait wait wait wait wait! You're right.
I am addicted.
I've got a vagina on my back, but I know I can get it off.
I mean you gotta help me.
I can't help you pal, you gotta help yourself.
Good bye Charlie.
Oh come on Berta don't go, I'll do anything! I'm leaving now.
You don't have to! I just fired her! Bye Charlie.
Oh come on Lydia don't go, I'll do anything! You know what? I don't need either one of ya! I can do my own laundry and I got my own finger! I don't like it here.
Well, tough.
- This is the only way I can get Berta to come back.
- But why do I have to be here.
'Cause it's the only way you're ever going to sell you're condo.
Okay, let's get started.
Welcome to our regular monday night meeting.
Do we have any newcomers? My name is Charlie and uh my maid say's I'm a sex addict.
Uh, hi, I'm Alan, and I have a lovely condo for sale.
And I'm a sex addict.
It's priced to move.
Hi, my name is Pam.
And I'm a sex addict.