What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s04e10 Episode Script

1
Baby Colin is miserable,
and it's a mystery to me.
Seems like only yesterday
when he danced and sang
and was full of joys and smiles.
Now he barely talks to me.
And when he does, it's very unpleasant.
Shit. Have you got enough toys
on the floor?
I say, can you take the headphones off?
My headphones are on.
Yeah, I know. Can you take them off?
Just for one second.
Hold on. What?
I was thinking, why don't we hop
the fence at the zoo
and see if those baby rhinos have grown
- since the last time we
- Yeah, I'm kind of busy right now.
- Looked at them.
- Thank you.
Why are you still here?
- Okay. Uh
- Huh?
I know he has the body of a man now,
but it was literally last week
when he was but a small boy.
And I've read
all the relevant literature
on the trials and tribulations
of being a young person,
but it's provided me
with no guidance at all.
He doesn't even enjoy
his playdates anymore.
He's really had quite the
growth spurt, hasn't he?
Ain't that the truth, Alison?
You see, he's on the cusp
of that awkward age.
No, I'm on base. I'm on base!
Dylan!
Dylan said that the staircase
was base, and I was touching
base, but he hit me anyway!
- It wasn't fair!
- It's all right.
I wish you were dead, Dylan!
- No, no, come on. No, you don't.
- Yes, I do!
It's like he's half kid, half adult.
It's okay.
I mean, he looks like Colin Robinson
and he sounds like Colin Robinson,
but mentally he's all over the place.
- So, you're gonna hold the bat.
- Why?
As the other parental figure in his life,
I thought I'd have the
opportunity to teach him things.
Swing! All right!
Okay. It's okay. I'll get it.
It just happened so fast. Just
So you really want
to look at the ball, okay?
- I did look at the ball.
- The only thing
that seems to give him any joy these
days and has done since he learned to walk
is hammering holes
in his old room in the basement.
Now, I've tried to stop him,
but it seems like a healthy release
for this seemingly relentless
and unwarranted anger.
When did she get to be a beauty? ♪
When did he grow to be so tall? ♪
Wasn't it yesterday when they ♪
Were small? ♪
Sunrise, sunset ♪
Sunrise, sunset ♪
Swiftly flow the day s ♪
Seedlings turn overnight
to sunflowers ♪
Blossoming even when we gaze. ♪
Now that we don't have
Baby Colin as our big draw,
the nightclub has just gone
to a big steaming shit!
- I wouldn't say "shit," but
- Well, I would.
And we still don't have even close
to enough money to repair the house.
But we're not giving up.
She's full of ideas, this one.
I am. I still think we should try
that all-vampire
freestyle rap battle again.
It's no good.
Vampires are too hotheaded.
Why you out here competing? ♪
Why's that hairline receding? ♪
Why'd you even ♪
And then there was
the human
improvisational comedy troupe.
Okay, so, to get us started, first
we're gonna need a suggestion.
Suck each other's dicks!
- Yeah!
- Seems like vampires
just don't get improv comedy.
Because it's not funny.
More like a location.
Suck each other's dicks
in outer space!
You know, I really thought
that Laszlo showcasing his new songs
would be a big hit.
Is my song too complex? ♪
Why you looking perplexed? ♪
My intelligence is a ten ♪
Yours are three and fours ♪
It's not my fault ♪
Stupid motherfuckers, it's yours ♪
- Come on, join in, you stupid
- Fuck off, Laszlo!
It's not my ♪
But we're still making
a little bit of income.
Yes, a little trickle.
It's not my fault ♪
You thick pieces of shit ♪
It's yours ♪
- It's not my fault ♪
- But we're really scraping
- the bottom
- Shh.
Of the old desperate barrel
at this point.
A lot of bachelorette parties.
Throw it back, all the girls ♪
And then we worked so hard
on the haunted house.
Seemed like a slam dunk.
It's like, did they just order
the costumes off of Amazon?
Yeah, let's get out of here.
Children's birthday parties
are now, unfortunately,
our biggest draw.
Oh, no, no! Not on the stairs!
Upstairs out-of-bounds!
I got you!
This one!
He keeps cheating me!
It's just a phase.
He'll grow out of it.
Well, at the rate he's growing,
he should have grown out of it already.
Well, at least he's not
a boring energy vampire.
I'd rather he was boring
than this insolent monster.
With respect,
the trouble is that neither
of you know how to speak
to the younger generation
in their own language.
What, and you do?
Some of my finest soldiers
were just teenagers.
It was essential to communicate
with them in their own lingo
Or gutter patois, if you will
To inspire and motivate them
onto the battlefield
because we'd usually put
the youngsters at the front.
And they would instantly
be mowed down by the attacking army.
So they were always a little
reluctant to stand there.
You know what? I will fix.
We're fucked.
Watch and learn.
Very cool tunes.
I, too, get off on rocking out
to cool tunes like these.
But you know,
there's more to life than just
- Dude.
- But you know,
there's more to life than just
rocking out to cool tunes.
- Like what?
- Ah,
you're probably too young to grok
what I'm trying to lay down.
One of the all-time
coolest ways of rocking out
is to be nice and polite
to your housemates and to your elders.
Wow. R-Really?
A-A-And you think
this could work for me?
I I do.
Thanks, man.
Uh, thank you for blessing me
with these pearls of wisdom.
You are very welcome
man.
You see?
You just have to know
how to speak their language.
If anyone complains,
that's when you can kill them.
And I was wondering
Oh-oh, Mistress Nadja.
- Oh.
- May I introduce to you
to Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum?
- Hmm.
- Oh.
Mr. Barnum was just
giving me some great advice
- about bringing in the crowds.
- Mm-hmm.
Mr. Barnum. Please, do give us
just one moment.
Okay, thank you.
P.T. Barnum died over 150 years ago.
- Is he a vampire?
- Yeah, don't ask me to explain.
Well, I feel like I must
ask you to explain.
- Ah, it's no big deal.
- Well, I'm your boss,
so do you want me to use my loud voice?
- Hi, guys.
- Oh, for
- Oh, hi.
- Uh, hey, uh,
sorry, I-I feel like I'm interrupting.
- You are.
- Oh.
I just wanted to give you
this CD of some songs that I
burned for you. I mean,
I-I didn't burn it just for you,
'cause that'd be creepy and pathetic.
Well, I had an extra CD,
I guess, and so
Thank you, Colin.
I will definitely figure out
how to listen to this.
If you like the songs, maybe we could
hang out sometime.
And if you don't like the songs,
I don't really give a shit.
So, either way, it's,
you know, whatever.
All right, later. Bye.
- Speak, bitch.
- All right.
But you mustn't breathe
a word of this to anyone.
Over the last few decades,
I have come across
some books in the
Vampiric Council library
that contain the most forbidden-est
of secret knowledges,
and I have learned
the ancient art form
of summoning the dead.
But this is witchcraft.
Cut that out.
So you can bring any person
back from the dead?
Only the ones that I own the souls of.
One moment.
Mr. Barnum, right this way, please.
May I present
the second finest collection
of human dead souls
in these United States.
Wow.
And who has the finest collection?
Some rich computer guy.
So, um, how do you turn
these souls back into people?
Now, sadly,
once the souls are reanimated
into human form,
they only live for about 24 hours
and then they dissolve back
into the ingredients
from whence they came.
- Oh. Ooh.
- Okay, hand me the soul.
Okay. Thank you. And in it goes.
Oh, it stinks.
That's life, baby. Take it in.
Hello?
Ah!
It worked.
Scott Joplin, I presume?
Happy to make your acquaintance, madam.
- And yours.
- Uh, and you as well, madam.
Look, uh, we all make mistakes.
It's no big deal.
Well, it kind of is a big deal, Sean,
'cause he stole your car.
- I was gonna bring it back.
- I beg your pardon?
I said I was going to bring it back.
Listen, he was just
taking it for a little joyride.
Colin, maybe you could help us
understand what you were thinking.
- I don't know.
- Your behavior
is nothing like the Colin we know.
The Colin you know?
You don't know me at all.
I mean, you can't tell me
who my parents are
or where I came from
or why I have these thoughts in my head
about hammering holes in the wall.
We don't know ourselves!
You can't tell me why I grew
a foot and a half overnight
like a human radish.
Listen, you ungrateful fuck,
you're giving me the pip.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- We're doing our best here.
Oh, well, that makes me feel
so much better.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys, guys, guys.
All right, you cheeky fuck.
Things are getting
a little too heated in here.
- Yeah, 'cause he fucking started it.
- He started it.
Okay, listen,
my dad and I used to fight
like this all the time!
And nothing good came from it!
- You understand me?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- But my pops and I,
we were able to figure out a way
to settle our differences.
And that's what we're gonna do
right now. So, get up.
- What?
- Get up.
Both of youse.
Let's do it. You can trust Seanie.
All right, face each other.
- We are.
- Good. Make eye contact.
Okay?
Good enough.
Now, I'm gonna count down from three.
When I say go, start swinging.
- Wait, what?
- First one to tap out,
other one's head of the household.
- Three, two, one
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- We're not doing that.
- Come on!
Wait, it-it's-it's all right.
I feel better now.
I'm sorry that I disappointed you.
Mm.
- There's got to be a "but."
- No, no "buts."
Mr. Rinaldi, maybe we can
go find a tow truck and get your
- car out of Richmond Creek.
- Good man.
Come on. I mean, I'd rather
take the insurance, but
He's a lot calmer and more
pleasant when he's made me angry.
He's feeding on us.
But not by boring us
but by infuriating us.
I think you might be right.
Colin Robinson is and will always be
- an energy vampire.
- Yeah.
Which means I have to tell him.
I have to tell him exactly what he is.
Why didn't you tell me
about this secret wisdom
and this collection of souls?
I can't believe it.
Well, you don't seem very interested
when I try to share things
about my life.
Hey, what about asking
Diamond Jim Brady for some tips
about the crowds, huh?
He was a noted gourmand
and nightlife habitué.
No.
The reanimated humans themselves
will be the show.
Imagine the crowds we will get.
The greatest minds
in all of human history
together onstage for one night only
- at Nadja's.
- Wow.
I really should have thought of that.
Yeah. It's actually
very troubling that you didn't.
Ah!
So, it's not going so well.
I told Nadja
she might want to do some
homework before the panel,
but she said she just
wanted to wing it.
Wow. Food for thought, Mr. Tchaikovsky.
Food for bloody thought. Now, um,
Lady Murasaki Shikibu,
some say your Tales of Genji
created the literary form
we now call the novel.
So, I must ask you,
where do you get your ideas from?
Uh, Mr. Da Vinci, if you want
to jump in anytime,
just feel like a normal
conversation, where we all
cut in each other and
Too true.
- An energy vampire?
- Yeah.
And so there's
like, nothing I can do to-to change it?
No. I'm afraid not, my boy.
You see, it's genetics.
It's beyond our control.
If I'd have been told
when I was your age
that I'd be burdened
with rugged good looks,
a rapier wit, and a thick cock,
I, too, would have protested,
but, uh, them's the breaks.
Just an energy vampire,
it just, it sounds so awful.
Yeah, it's not great.
Well, why didn't you do something?
You should have ought
to done something about it
instead of just sitting here.
You know the saying,
"Man makes plans and
hmm, laughs."
Who, God?
Now you're blaming God?
Who next, Baby Jesus?!
I hate you!
Shit, that's painful.
I'm doing fine, I guess.
You know, with Nandor's wife Marwa gone
and Colin basically all grown up,
I feel like there's not much
for me to do around here.
So, I guess this is what it
feels like to be an empty nester.
I never thought
I'd get bored of this job
'cause there's always something to do,
but nothing ever changes,
even in my personal life.
I found my first boyfriend, and he
left me for himself.
It's back to where it all
started and the same
day in, day out.
It's like hamsters in those wheels.
I'm a hamster in a
wheel.
Knock, knock.
Seeing if you need anything.
No. All good. Thanks.
You're kind of quiet lately.
Are you sad because Marwa's gone?
There's nothing like
the end of a relationship
to really make one
appreciate being alone.
So that's it?
- That is what?
- It was so important
for you to find a wife
and have a huge wedding,
and now that's all gone,
and you're just fine?
Pretty much, yeah.
Don't you feel like nothing
ever changes around here?
Like, every day just leads to the next
and then the next,
and before you know it,
- years go by?
- Yes.
Isn't it wonderful?
Okay.
So then what's next?
As you may have noticed,
I've really got back
into reading books,
so I think
I'm just gonna do this for a while.
- Oh, for how long?
- Not long.
15 years, maybe 20.
As I once said,
you can only win over the opponent
We figured out,
we don't need to do these
in front of a live audience.
We can reach a bigger group
of people by simply
recording it and then
broadcasting it electronically.
Hello, and welcome to
Talk History with Nadja of Antipaxos.
On tonight's episode
Then we can make money
by selling advertising on it.
Hatred is the subtlest form of
If I could just, uh,
quickly interrupt for a moment.
Would you be so kind as to read off
- this card, Mr. Gandhi?
- Mm.
"Pan-seared steaks
"with hot honey biscuits.
"Cheesy pork chorizo enchiladas.
"And those are just two
of the signature dishes
- coming from"
- Mmm, mmm.
"Blue Apron this month."
Yum, yum, yum. But tell me, Mahatma,
when was the first time
you tried Blue Apron?
Fuck it. Give it here. I'll read it.
Oh, no, no, no, sorry, Mr. Hemingway.
I-I wanted you to do
the Casper mattresses one
before the next break.
So, the money from our sponsorships
was dependent on total
listeners. We made Guillermo
listen 11 times and made 0.6 cents.
All that witchcraft for nothing.
Turns out the world just isn't ready
for electronic audio stories.
It also has no use
for a vampire nightclub.
Enough is enough.
I told The Guide to go
and sleep at my house
for a girls night, and she obviously
jumped far too enthusiastically
at that chance.
Ciao. Au revoir.
I told the wraiths that
they've been working too hard,
so they should go on vacation.
Send me a postcard.
See you when you're back.
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
You guys should probably
get out of here.
It's over.
I said get out. Fuck off.
Move.
This is all my fault.
If I had not accepted
your kind invitation last night
- Thank you again, by the way
- Mm-hmm.
I would have been here,
and I could have
- kept this from happening.
- Listen,
we can't be everywhere
all the time, can we?
No, but we did get lucky.
Nothing actually got burned. Phew.
Nothing got burned?
The blood sprinklers went off
and extinguished the fire
before it could
really get going.
- The blood sprinklers?
- Yes.
The blood sprinklers
that have never worked
any of the times we have tried
to make them work?
This is making me very hungry.
So, your office
is the only room that got burned
because there are
no blood sprinklers in it.
Yes.
I am so upset right now.
So, I was just wondering, um,
how much money can we get for this?
Depends what kind
of insurance you have.
What is "insur-suriance,"
and, uh, where can we get some?
Uh, probably a little late
for that at this point.
You said you had a floor plan
I can take a look at?
Yes, right this way.
Shit.
I haven't been making
the best decisions recently,
thanks to all the delicious
liquor blood I've been drinking.
My money.
She was so fresh and green,
and now the faces are all burnt!
No. The way it works
is, you buy the insurance
before something bad happens,
- and then
- No, I think, my friend,
you buy. And did you buy? No.
How much money could we get
if we set him on fire?
Hey, hey. What's up?
How's it hanging?
L-O-L. R-O-F-L.
Y-O-L-O. O-M-G. W-T-F.
All those acronyms, I love them.
Colin Robinson?
Is it really you?
Well, it's not Don Knotts.
- But how the shit have you?
- Oh, well,
the great thing about keeping
a detailed diary is,
if you ever forget
anything about your life,
you can look it up.
It's also great for receipts.
Now, a lot of people
keep receipts,
but they forget to write down
what they were for, which causes
a major headache come tax time.
Whether you hire an accountant or
you do it online by yourself,
you're gonna miss some deductions
because you won't be able to reference
what they were when Johnny Taxman
- comes and
- Colin Robinson, tell me something,
a while ago, we went to
a lads night at Sean's house,
and as we entered his premises,
you used some ridiculous
childish voice.
Meesa Jar Jar Binks.
- It's him.
- Ah. Well,
welcome back, original
Colin Robinson. Now,
how much money do we have
in our bank account?
Uh, around $655,415
and change.
- Oh, yes, very nice.
- Now, I wanted to roll that
into a Roth IRA, not to be confused
What's our bank account PIN code?
Oh, our personal identification number
is 420, 69, 24, 7.
I'll call the contractors
in the morning.
Actually, if it's to fix
up this shithole, I'll do it.
If there's anything I enjoy more
than managing a project,
it's micromanaging a project.
And, so, after you replace these pipes,
- we're gonna want to put in
- New Sheetrock and
Excuse me, if I may finish.
We're gonna want to put on half-inch
VOC-absorbing drywall,
not Sheetrock, as you mistakenly said.
Uh, Laszlo, what do you want
to do with this race car bed?
Do you want to keep it,
or can we get rid of it?
Well
that's your bed.
Well, it was.
I-I-I've never seen
this bed in my life.
All right, well, shitcan the bed.
Now let's head downstairs.
I want to give you guys
a couple quick tips
on how to remove old Formica tiling.
The asbestos
in the adhesive
- can become quite a
- Colin?
- Yeah.
- So, you really don't remember
anything from the last year?
Uh, no.
Not really. I-I remember it was my
100th birthday party,
and I had a bit of, uh,
- tummy trouble
- Right.
And the next thing I remember is,
I'm reading my diaries, and, yeah,
everything in between's a blank.
You don't remember me bringing
you up from a small baby?
No. No, not at all.
Do you remember, um,
me playing the piano
and you singing and dancing?
And then sometimes we'd jump
over the fence at the zoo
in the middle of the night
to look at the baby rhinos?
Yeah, no. Doesn't ring a single bell.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Do-do you smell toast or anything?
- I'm-I'm good.
- All right.
Nothing ever changes in this house.
Nothing is ever going to change,
unless I change it.
So, that's it for me.
Oh, and you guys can use my room
for storage if you want.
I won't need it.
Derek?
Yeah, in the back.
Derek.
Yeah, back here.
I just got to finish
this account. 24 times 18.
Okay. What is so urgent?
Well, Derek
this
is for you.
Whoa.
- What did I do to deserve this?
- Nothing.
It's what you're about to do.
Which is?
You're gonna make me a vampire.
Is this the little girl ♪
I carried? ♪
Is this the little boy ♪
At play? ♪
I don't remember ♪
Growing older ♪
When did they? ♪
Sunrise, sunset ♪
Sunrise ♪
Sunset ♪
Swiftly flow the days. ♪