Workaholics s04e10 Episode Script
Timechair
You die, okay? You're dead.
There's nothing.
Just your body getting eaten by worms and slugs.
- Ugh.
- Yeah, I don't know, though.
I think that heaven is real, and I'm gonna go to it, 'cause, like, right before I die, I'm gonna just join all the religions, right? So if, like, God is actually, like, Buddha or, like, Jesus, or, like, tom cruise, like, I'll get up there, and I'll be like, "yo, man, check the list.
I'm on that.
" - Right.
- You know what I mean? I don't know, man.
I'm just tossed up because, like, part of me is like, dude, I wanna party with Satan, 'cause he, like, seems pretty cool, but then again, I'm really trying to kick it with the big N.
W.
O.
out in the sky.
You know what I mean? Well, he has, like, horns on his head, and the other dude is just like Morgan Freeman - Right, right.
- Who's God.
And although he's pretty cool and he has Wears earrings and, like, bangs, like, you know, 19-year-old models - Yeah.
- Actually, let's kick it with Morgan Freeman.
Are we sure he's not Satan? Yeah, I don't care how long you've been a veterinarian.
- [Overlapping chatter.]
- Oh, damn.
- Oh, shoot.
- She was supposed to have her nails trimmed and her anal glands expressed, and guess what, pal they weren't.
Boss, boss, boss, boss.
Whoa.
What the heck is this? Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo.
What are we looking at here? Hello.
Excuse me, sir.
What is all this? We're having our annual employee appreciation day.
- Cool! - Employee apprec This is the frickin' coolest company ever.
It's like Pixar or something or like Panera bread.
At the end of the night, instead of throwing away all the bread, they give the employees the bread.
They're like, hey, you did a great job on the cash register today, Sharon take home a sourdough.
- And they split up the breads.
- Oh, sourdough.
We love hot bread.
We love a good hot bread.
That sounds good, but we make dog food for the military.
Well, I'd eat dog food if you'd let me ride one of these things.
Military dogs, dude.
Oh, that could be an Air Bud sequel.
Like, kill 'em all, let dogs sort them out.
[Guys laugh heartily.]
Dogs sort 'em out.
- I didn't like that one.
- [Clears throat.]
- He didn't get it.
- Can we ride the go-karts? Sorry, guys, these go-karts are for employees only.
Hey, we're employees over there, right over there.
- Technically.
- Telamericorp.
- We're employed.
- Well, our employees.
We have little kids that want to ride them, so Okay, I think I know what's up.
- Hold up, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
Allow me to give you some green to ride, huh? I ain't talking money.
Boop, boop, boop, huh? - You like-a the kind? - Do you like weed? You wanna smack-a-bee? Guys, it's not happening, okay? Okay.
Wow, well, you're being a rude dickhead.
We're trying to give you drugs in exchange to ride go-karts, and instead, you're a real frickin' prick about it.
Get the hell out of here, you burnouts! You come to the parking lot near our work, and you tell us that we can't freakin' ride your go-karts? - Yeah! - I don't think so, Jack! I'm gonna frickin' flip this bitch over! - Oh! - Oh! Ooh! - Guys, a little help.
- If you flip that go-kart over, I'm gonna beat the [Bleep.]
out of you.
- Yeah, he looks serious.
- Okay, yeah.
I'm a little more intimidated by him.
You kinda look like a little bitch.
[Overlapping chatter.]
Hey, you know what? No hard feelings, and in fact Sorry.
Irish guys.
Suck my [Bleep.]
! Okay, run! - Go, go, go! - Run run run run run! Suck his [Bleep.]
! Don't touch mine.
Hey.
Where the hell have you been? - Uh - And you reek of weed.
- [Scoffs.]
- No, us? Uh, actually, that's go-kart fumes, and you'd know that if you would ever employee appreciate us every once in a while.
All we want is an entire day where you thank us with go-karts and maybe a cotton candy machine and may I was thinking maybe, like, the goo goo dolls could perform, and I could sing Iris with them onstage.
- Yeah.
- Personally, I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think they'd understand.
They wouldn't.
Well, I'd appreciate if you'd get back on the phones.
You know what? Why don't you appreciate us for the calls we've already made for you? Get back to your desks, now! - Okay.
- Okay.
[Laughter.]
Oh, my God, we are fricking funny, dude.
- Yeah.
- Ders, you are a straight-up Photoshop Gandalf, my man.
- That is so good.
- So you're, like that's a - You're a wizard, right? - Yeah.
- That's what I meant.
- "Erect chin pills.
" I cannot wait for somebody to call us.
- We're gonna burn 'em, right? - Yeah.
- Right? - It's so funny because, like, you can't just take a pill and make your chin bigger.
You need to have surgery for that.
Right, yeah, no, that's true, but, um, you know, the joke is that "erect chin" - sounds just like "erection".
- It does.
Ha ha.
Yeah, uh, uh, but erection pills actually work.
And chin pills do not, and that is the joke.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
[Soprano chorus.]
Whoa, dudes, check a load of this.
"Free massage chair.
" When did that get up there? Oh, my gosh.
This thing is freaking incredible.
I mean, this chair is legit, dude, and for free? What I love about it is now I don't have to make you guys walk on my back.
I'm gonna call this guy.
You don't make me do that.
I do that to massage my feet.
Yeah, to be honest, I hate walking on his back, man, because, like, I'm afraid that I'm gonna toothpaste-tube poop out of his butt.
Hello, yes, I'm calling about the massage chair.
Yeah, I was won Okay.
Yes.
Okay.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Okay, okay, okay.
Update, update.
Just talked to the guy.
Here's the deal.
He already promised the chair to somebody.
- [Groans.]
- But If we get there first, the chair's ours.
I mean, we got an hour lunch.
- You think we can make it? - Yeah.
[Grunts.]
I know we can.
Friendship, power, perseverance! - Yeah! - [Humming triumphant music.]
- Friendship and power and - ba ba bam bam bam perseverance All right, so I'm thinking the chair should go in my room because it would match my upscale decor.
No, no, no, no.
If anything, it's going in my room, and then if you guys, like, wanna reserve a time, you can do so, unless I've already reserved a time, in which case, you can't do so.
[Imitates buzzer.]
Wrong answer.
We're putting the chair outside by the pool, baby.
- We're gonna get some massages - What? While you're looking at the water.
Real nice setup.
Trust me.
- You're gonna love it.
Mwah! - Are you crazy? The water right there? You're gonna get electrocuted.
It should go in my room, which has a view of the pool.
Also, you'll have access to my 300-CD-disc carousel.
Hit "Rando", lean back, jam-oh-nay.
Y'all don't even know about my squad! - Great, now he's yelling.
- Okay? 'Cause I got movie posters in in my room.
Shazam, blue chips, steel, all Shaq movie posters, mostly, because I think he's a fantastic actor.
And also one Chris Mullin basketball poster.
- I hate to put my foot down - Not a movie.
But I actually talked to the real guy.
I thought there was a Chris Mullin movie.
So I think that that means that I have - Dibs.
Oh! - I was just gonna say dibs! - Dibs.
- Oh, yeah! I have the only car that can pick it up.
- You did! - Hey! Oh, you did it before I could do it! - You did it before I could do it! - Stop! What are Don't push me! Now he's in there.
Great.
Not doing it.
I'm not doing it.
Blake, you don't even know how to drive, man.
- Shut up.
Yes, I do.
- Come on.
Listen, you wanna play with fire, Anderson [Engine turns over.]
Whoa, turn that off! Just pretend it's Cruis'n USA and you're 30 minutes early for your movie.
Open up! He doesn't even know what he's doing.
And "r" for really fast.
Here we go! - Hey! - Ha ha ha! Blake, come on.
[Blake continues laughing.]
- Come on! - I'm doing it! - I'm gonna kick - Hey! - You let me in! - Stop kicking the car.
- You let me in! - Stop kicking my car! And I'm moonwalkin' out of here, baby.
You are messing with my life and my chair! - Yeah, right, you - Stop kicking it! I'm gonna karate - See ya, bye-bye.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, dude, dude, don't Do not back up any more! Oh, yeah? Why? 'Cause you want the car back? No! [Boom.]
- Oh, what the hell? - Awesome.
Well, I hope you're happy.
Now nobody gets a massage chair.
Well, then I guess I'm a nobody.
[Funky music.]
Oh, yeah, baby! - Hey! - Whoo! What? Wait! - Wait.
- Wait! Freeze, mother[Bleep.]
! This is a real gun! It's a real gun! It's a real gun! Get up! Get up, get up! It's not a real gun.
It was a hand.
It was a hand, obviously, idiot.
Oh, wipe out, wipe out, wipe out.
You gotta get out! [Woman shrilling.]
Yeah, let's go, let's go.
Whoa! Your brakes don't work! Whoa, whoa! Dude, chill.
I need to check the brakes really quick.
Psych! I'm stealing it.
[Laughs.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell are you doing? We're appreciating ourselves, dickhead! Whooooo! Get back here, scumbags! Ha, ha, ha! Outta my way, Koopa Troopa.
Yoshi coming through! You're not Yoshi, dude.
In fact, you're princess peach.
I'm Bowser.
Ders is that bitch Luigi.
- [Horn blares.]
- Oh! Oh, whatever, dude.
Luigi's cool! But let's face the facts, Demamp.
You're toadstool all day.
No, no, no, no, no! If I'm not Bowser, I'm definitely freakin' Wario! - I'm no bitch-ass toad.
- I'm not even in the same game as you bitches! I'm in Diddy Kong Racing, baby! Wait a second, if we're changing games, I'm Pierce Brosnan in 007.
[Energetic rock music.]
Heads up.
Okay, fine, I can live with all that, as long as I'm Wario.
Can you live with this? - Whoa! - Thank you.
[Laughing.]
Yeah! Hey, Blazer, you break my 'Vo-kart, I break your go-kart! Oh! The chair is mine, Ders! I need you to bottle your rage like you always do.
Hey! What the hell? Come on.
Come on! Come on! Oh.
It's the "on" switch, it's [Motor putters.]
- Yagh! - Argh! Well done, young squire.
Perhaps you'd like me to get medieval times all up in your b-hole.
You wanna joust? Let's joust! You're not gonna steal this chair from me just like you've stolen everything else.
Like that drunk girl, Haley, who came over to our house, - and I had her! - What? - I - Hang on a second.
No, no, no.
Forget it.
Ah, it's in the past.
Let's joust, though.
Ha ha! All right.
- [Dramatic drumbeats.]
- Yeah! - Aah! - Yah! - Yeah! - Yah! [Both screaming.]
- Oh oh! - Oh-oh-oh! Wham! [Both groaning.]
It's-a me, Wario! - I'm-a gonna win! - No! What? No.
You idiots are going the wrong way! That's the wrong way! I'm-a gonna win.
Whoo! Yeah! Oh, ow! Ow! Okay, what the [Bleep.]
? Yeah, okay, ow! How are you so good? You should all be professional golfers ow! [Bleep.]
! Here we go, baby.
Here we go, baby! Yeah! I [Screams.]
Whoo, yeah! Ho-ho! Hey, Demamp, you give up now, I promise to let you sit in my chair For 15 minutes every two weeks, ya bitch! It's not fair.
There's a 50% chance that 100% of my legs are broken.
I'm just coasting on pure adrenaline right now.
Quit hitting me! Yeah, all right.
- That was sick.
- Nice move, nice move.
I used to, uh, I used to do moves myself.
Hey, dude, hang on, man.
We're trying to get some footy, bro.
Sorry, pimpin'.
I got a massage chair to get.
What can I get you, bud? I'm gonna need three Neapolitan ice cream sandwiches and a ride.
There's $7 there.
Come on.
[Grunts.]
[Techno music.]
[Horn blares.]
Yo, yo, yo, I need two large pepperoni pizzas delivered to 14934 Isabel street.
- Okay.
- Matter of fact, erase that.
Just whatever the fastest pizza you can make is.
I got raw pizza.
That's pretty fast.
Takes, like, a couple minutes.
- Raw pizza? - Yeah.
It's actually pretty good.
It's almost like regular pizza, but it's, like, more rawer.
Uh, well, um, think I could get two of those? [Laughs.]
Uh, yea-uh.
- [Laughs.]
- That could work.
- All right.
- You want anything else? Uh, nope, just the two pizzas.
- Okay, cool.
- Ooh ooh ooh! Wait, whoa.
Let me get some of that cheesy breadsticks.
- Well, I can hook that up too.
- Cool.
Do you got some anything else to go with this? I'll suck your [Bleep.]
.
- You gonna suck my [Bleep.]
? - I will.
I'll throw in an extra breadstick for that.
Let's go! Come on, Ramon.
You help me get that massage chair, you're looking at a lifetime of free massages, my man.
Unless I'm already signed up for that massage time, in which case, you know, you'll have to figure something else out.
I wish you had Neapolitan - ice cream - Hello, boys! - Hey come on! - Later, skater.
Let's go, Ramon! Who you calling a skater, dude? You're the skater.
Au contraire, mon dickhead.
I'm a ripstiker.
- Look who's winning.
- Wait.
Special delivery! - What are you doing? - Agh! Quit skitching, you bitch.
Where'd you get a car? Up your butt and around the corner.
Ugh! Oh! - Whoa! - [Laughing hysterically.]
I hope you like pepperoni! [Tires screech.]
Whoaaaagh! No, no, Jo, you gotta keep going to the finish line! Deliver me! What the hell is wrong with you? You don't throw food out of my window.
You don't tell me what to do! I paid you for your services.
Now I'm basically your boss.
Now drive! Oh, get the [Bleep.]
out before I beat your skinny ass.
- What about the weed? - Oh, my God.
- Do me a solid.
- I'm gonna throat punch you.
- Where is my belt? - You are a psychopath.
You know that? Your customer service sucks ass.
- Gimme those! Gimme those! - Screw you! These are mine.
[Tires screeching.]
Whoa, whoa! And guess what.
You suck at sucking [Bleep.]
.
- Stop following me.
- I can follow anyone I want.
It's a free country.
Except for my seventh grade teacher and her two daughters, but that expires next year.
Blake, back the [Bleep.]
up! You guys are both really slow.
Yeah, I'm faster than you are.
Okay, okay, well, until you started running all fast.
Get back here! [Huffing and puffing.]
Ha-ha! I'm here for the chair! Yes, I win, I win.
- No, I won.
I got it.
- Ah, ah, ah.
- I was here first, sir.
- No.
And plus, you don't want these filthy animals sitting their dirty-ass butts in your seat, okay? - Would you like a breadstick? - He doesn't want a breadstick.
My butt is wildly clean.
If, like, I'm on the couch and I have to fart, like, I get up, and I walk away, unless it was, like, an emergency fart or, like, I'm super tired or it's an accidental fart and just slipped out of my butthole, so Hey.
The guy just picked it up.
- Guy? What guy? - The guy who phoned.
- I don't know.
- Okay.
How 'bout you just give him a call for us, hmm? You can see that I'm a little tense, right, and wouldn't mind a little me-ssage.
- Oh, that would be great.
- Oh.
He's behind you.
[Dog barking.]
Said it like it was a haunted house.
Oh! Guys, our chair! Ders, gimme your iPhone! I got an idea! - Here.
- Oh what the [Bleep.]
? - [Cell phone clanks in truck.]
- Yes! - All right! - What are you talking about? What, man? We track the iPhone, intercept the truck, and then it's on to phase two, which I'm not sure what that is yet, but I'm open for suggestions.
You have to have an iPhone to track an iPhone.
Doesn't Adam have an iPhone? No, I have a BlackBerry touch.
In fact, I dropped it in a toilet recently, so I no longer have that.
I've been giving chicks, like, Ders' number, - saying that I have a Butler.
- What? Okay, I haven't gotten one call for you.
- Yeah, right.
- I haven't.
- Sarah hasn't called.
- No.
- Jessica.
- Mm-mm.
- Parker.
- She did not.
Sarah Jessica Parker.
Okay, yeah, I was fooled.
Freakin' chicks, right? Dudes, I've got an idea.
But it means we have to work together.
Fine.
I don't care.
I'll work together.
- So we'll share the chair.
- All right, I will too.
And so will I.
Hey, guys, "chairing" is caring.
[Chortles.]
Psych.
Not funny to me.
Okay, what's your plan, hmm, tough guy? Well, it involves a lot of running, but I just saw the dude turn right, and I think I know where we can cut him off.
Come on, let's go.
Wait skip to save energy.
Hmm? Okay.
I'm just gonna jog.
Yes, very good.
I look fully hit and run.
Good phase two, Beezer.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You know, I've had a subscription to Fangoria magazine for quite a while now, and, you know, you pick up some tricks and tips from here and there and time to time.
Okay, Adam, would you Don't eat the bone.
- What are you doing? - Sorry.
I just wanted to see what it tastes like.
- Come on, man! - Yo, dudes, dudes, dudes! - Tastes like garlic bread.
- Here he comes.
Light turned green let's go.
Go time.
Okay, showtime.
Moan, moan a lot.
Yes, yes, okay.
[Moaning sensuously.]
Oh, God, help.
- Hey.
- I've been hit by a car.
Adam, less sexual, more pain.
Yeah, no, this is my pain.
If you heard my sex noises, you'd bust in your drawers, dude.
Of course we would.
Now focus! Oh! Oh, God, help! Oh, help me.
Ah, shoot, man.
You all right? Oh, I was hit by a car, and it just drove away.
- Is that your bone? - Oh, everything hurts.
Oh, that's that's terrible.
All right, look.
- I'm gonna call - I did a lot of running earlier so I've got some soreness in my quads as well.
Hey, 911, yeah, there's a I have an emergency.
Um, there's a guy on the on the road, and, uh, and there's, uh, uh, um, cars driving by.
He got hit.
[Moaning.]
Oh, God.
I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but his it looks like it's his arm.
It's there's a there's a A bone jagging out, and it's bl It's got blood and stuff all over it.
I-I don't know.
You want You want me to apply pressure? Yeah, I don't want to touch it, but - Oh, it hurts.
- All right.
I gotta apply pressure.
I got some towels in my truck.
Just don't go to the light.
Oh, no! No! No towels! Please, no towels! - Ders.
- What's up, dude? Check it out, check it out.
- Got your phone.
Bazinga.
- I don't care.
- Just grab the rope, okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, the pressure.
It hurts so much.
He says it hurts too much.
I'm parched.
[Gags.]
Oh, I need some electrolytes.
Some Budweiser energy, maybe some "b", "b" to the "e" at the store down there.
If you could run to the store down there Look, the lady says if I don't apply pressure, - you're gonna die.
- Is that what the lady says? Tell that lady to Suck a [Bleep.]
! And then he just ran away.
Yeah, he ran off.
I don't know, eating his arm.
It's like that movie, yeah, with the zombie Zombie Apocalypse, yeah, exactly like that.
- Oh, yes! - All right! - Yeah, we did it! - We got a chair! Elbow.
- Yeah! - We did it! Oh, my God, you see me acting with that dude? I was acting so hard.
We're gonna lower her down, baby.
- Put her down.
- Here she comes.
All right, nice and easy.
It's a precious cargo here.
Nice What a beauty.
Can't wait to share her with you guys.
- Yeah.
- It's a delicate machine.
I love you again.
[Horn blares.]
Oh, hey, pull it up! - No, no, no! - Oh, no! No, no! [All screaming at once.]
Whoa.
Are you guys okay? You look like hell.
What the hell happened to you? Nothing happened to us.
Except for having the worst lunch of our entire freaking existences.
Pretty bad.
Could've been great.
Could've been very great, but it slipped through our fingers and shattered in the road, so Alice, you ever had a dream, and that dream was hit by a semi and exploded on impact? No, can't say that I have.
Look, I don't know what happened to you guys, but I might have some news that could cheer you up.
I thought a lot about what you said about not feeling appreciated, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think you might be right.
So, as a little "thank you," I'm getting the office the massage chair from the bulletin board.
- No.
- What? Yeah.
Pretty cool, right? Massages for everyone.
I don't know, that delivery guy was supposed to be here like 20 minutes ago.
I don't know where he is.
He was supposed to bring it here.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Massages all around.
- Yeah.
- Ohh.
- Oh, there he is.
- What? Oh.
- Yep, that's him.
- Thank you for appreciating us.
- Don't you - All right.
- Hey, you Alice Murphy? Yeah, that's me.
Do you have the chair? You're late.
Oh.
Well, I had it.
I picked it up, and I was halfway here, and then it was it was just gone.
Are you kidding? You owe me a massage chair.
You owe this office a massage chair.
Hey, guys, guess what.
I ordered you a massage chair 'cause I'm a cool-ass boss, and this guy lost it.
I oughta bash your pretty face in.
- Pffft.
- Hello? - I can't believe - Wait.
She got the massage chair.
I'm sorry, sir, could you repeat that? I didn't hear you.
I'm interested in your erect chin pills.
[Both snickering.]
Why? Do you have trouble getting an erect chin? Yes, I've always wanted one.
I think girls would like it.
Bill? Oh, my God! You can't take a pill to help you with your limp chin.
It wasn't me.
This joke freakin' rules! Yeah! Don't mess with my squad, bill! - Yeah.
- This is my guy.
This is my guy.
[Giggles.]
[Chuckles.]
There's nothing.
Just your body getting eaten by worms and slugs.
- Ugh.
- Yeah, I don't know, though.
I think that heaven is real, and I'm gonna go to it, 'cause, like, right before I die, I'm gonna just join all the religions, right? So if, like, God is actually, like, Buddha or, like, Jesus, or, like, tom cruise, like, I'll get up there, and I'll be like, "yo, man, check the list.
I'm on that.
" - Right.
- You know what I mean? I don't know, man.
I'm just tossed up because, like, part of me is like, dude, I wanna party with Satan, 'cause he, like, seems pretty cool, but then again, I'm really trying to kick it with the big N.
W.
O.
out in the sky.
You know what I mean? Well, he has, like, horns on his head, and the other dude is just like Morgan Freeman - Right, right.
- Who's God.
And although he's pretty cool and he has Wears earrings and, like, bangs, like, you know, 19-year-old models - Yeah.
- Actually, let's kick it with Morgan Freeman.
Are we sure he's not Satan? Yeah, I don't care how long you've been a veterinarian.
- [Overlapping chatter.]
- Oh, damn.
- Oh, shoot.
- She was supposed to have her nails trimmed and her anal glands expressed, and guess what, pal they weren't.
Boss, boss, boss, boss.
Whoa.
What the heck is this? Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo.
What are we looking at here? Hello.
Excuse me, sir.
What is all this? We're having our annual employee appreciation day.
- Cool! - Employee apprec This is the frickin' coolest company ever.
It's like Pixar or something or like Panera bread.
At the end of the night, instead of throwing away all the bread, they give the employees the bread.
They're like, hey, you did a great job on the cash register today, Sharon take home a sourdough.
- And they split up the breads.
- Oh, sourdough.
We love hot bread.
We love a good hot bread.
That sounds good, but we make dog food for the military.
Well, I'd eat dog food if you'd let me ride one of these things.
Military dogs, dude.
Oh, that could be an Air Bud sequel.
Like, kill 'em all, let dogs sort them out.
[Guys laugh heartily.]
Dogs sort 'em out.
- I didn't like that one.
- [Clears throat.]
- He didn't get it.
- Can we ride the go-karts? Sorry, guys, these go-karts are for employees only.
Hey, we're employees over there, right over there.
- Technically.
- Telamericorp.
- We're employed.
- Well, our employees.
We have little kids that want to ride them, so Okay, I think I know what's up.
- Hold up, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
Allow me to give you some green to ride, huh? I ain't talking money.
Boop, boop, boop, huh? - You like-a the kind? - Do you like weed? You wanna smack-a-bee? Guys, it's not happening, okay? Okay.
Wow, well, you're being a rude dickhead.
We're trying to give you drugs in exchange to ride go-karts, and instead, you're a real frickin' prick about it.
Get the hell out of here, you burnouts! You come to the parking lot near our work, and you tell us that we can't freakin' ride your go-karts? - Yeah! - I don't think so, Jack! I'm gonna frickin' flip this bitch over! - Oh! - Oh! Ooh! - Guys, a little help.
- If you flip that go-kart over, I'm gonna beat the [Bleep.]
out of you.
- Yeah, he looks serious.
- Okay, yeah.
I'm a little more intimidated by him.
You kinda look like a little bitch.
[Overlapping chatter.]
Hey, you know what? No hard feelings, and in fact Sorry.
Irish guys.
Suck my [Bleep.]
! Okay, run! - Go, go, go! - Run run run run run! Suck his [Bleep.]
! Don't touch mine.
Hey.
Where the hell have you been? - Uh - And you reek of weed.
- [Scoffs.]
- No, us? Uh, actually, that's go-kart fumes, and you'd know that if you would ever employee appreciate us every once in a while.
All we want is an entire day where you thank us with go-karts and maybe a cotton candy machine and may I was thinking maybe, like, the goo goo dolls could perform, and I could sing Iris with them onstage.
- Yeah.
- Personally, I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think they'd understand.
They wouldn't.
Well, I'd appreciate if you'd get back on the phones.
You know what? Why don't you appreciate us for the calls we've already made for you? Get back to your desks, now! - Okay.
- Okay.
[Laughter.]
Oh, my God, we are fricking funny, dude.
- Yeah.
- Ders, you are a straight-up Photoshop Gandalf, my man.
- That is so good.
- So you're, like that's a - You're a wizard, right? - Yeah.
- That's what I meant.
- "Erect chin pills.
" I cannot wait for somebody to call us.
- We're gonna burn 'em, right? - Yeah.
- Right? - It's so funny because, like, you can't just take a pill and make your chin bigger.
You need to have surgery for that.
Right, yeah, no, that's true, but, um, you know, the joke is that "erect chin" - sounds just like "erection".
- It does.
Ha ha.
Yeah, uh, uh, but erection pills actually work.
And chin pills do not, and that is the joke.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
[Soprano chorus.]
Whoa, dudes, check a load of this.
"Free massage chair.
" When did that get up there? Oh, my gosh.
This thing is freaking incredible.
I mean, this chair is legit, dude, and for free? What I love about it is now I don't have to make you guys walk on my back.
I'm gonna call this guy.
You don't make me do that.
I do that to massage my feet.
Yeah, to be honest, I hate walking on his back, man, because, like, I'm afraid that I'm gonna toothpaste-tube poop out of his butt.
Hello, yes, I'm calling about the massage chair.
Yeah, I was won Okay.
Yes.
Okay.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Okay, okay, okay.
Update, update.
Just talked to the guy.
Here's the deal.
He already promised the chair to somebody.
- [Groans.]
- But If we get there first, the chair's ours.
I mean, we got an hour lunch.
- You think we can make it? - Yeah.
[Grunts.]
I know we can.
Friendship, power, perseverance! - Yeah! - [Humming triumphant music.]
- Friendship and power and - ba ba bam bam bam perseverance All right, so I'm thinking the chair should go in my room because it would match my upscale decor.
No, no, no, no.
If anything, it's going in my room, and then if you guys, like, wanna reserve a time, you can do so, unless I've already reserved a time, in which case, you can't do so.
[Imitates buzzer.]
Wrong answer.
We're putting the chair outside by the pool, baby.
- We're gonna get some massages - What? While you're looking at the water.
Real nice setup.
Trust me.
- You're gonna love it.
Mwah! - Are you crazy? The water right there? You're gonna get electrocuted.
It should go in my room, which has a view of the pool.
Also, you'll have access to my 300-CD-disc carousel.
Hit "Rando", lean back, jam-oh-nay.
Y'all don't even know about my squad! - Great, now he's yelling.
- Okay? 'Cause I got movie posters in in my room.
Shazam, blue chips, steel, all Shaq movie posters, mostly, because I think he's a fantastic actor.
And also one Chris Mullin basketball poster.
- I hate to put my foot down - Not a movie.
But I actually talked to the real guy.
I thought there was a Chris Mullin movie.
So I think that that means that I have - Dibs.
Oh! - I was just gonna say dibs! - Dibs.
- Oh, yeah! I have the only car that can pick it up.
- You did! - Hey! Oh, you did it before I could do it! - You did it before I could do it! - Stop! What are Don't push me! Now he's in there.
Great.
Not doing it.
I'm not doing it.
Blake, you don't even know how to drive, man.
- Shut up.
Yes, I do.
- Come on.
Listen, you wanna play with fire, Anderson [Engine turns over.]
Whoa, turn that off! Just pretend it's Cruis'n USA and you're 30 minutes early for your movie.
Open up! He doesn't even know what he's doing.
And "r" for really fast.
Here we go! - Hey! - Ha ha ha! Blake, come on.
[Blake continues laughing.]
- Come on! - I'm doing it! - I'm gonna kick - Hey! - You let me in! - Stop kicking the car.
- You let me in! - Stop kicking my car! And I'm moonwalkin' out of here, baby.
You are messing with my life and my chair! - Yeah, right, you - Stop kicking it! I'm gonna karate - See ya, bye-bye.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, dude, dude, don't Do not back up any more! Oh, yeah? Why? 'Cause you want the car back? No! [Boom.]
- Oh, what the hell? - Awesome.
Well, I hope you're happy.
Now nobody gets a massage chair.
Well, then I guess I'm a nobody.
[Funky music.]
Oh, yeah, baby! - Hey! - Whoo! What? Wait! - Wait.
- Wait! Freeze, mother[Bleep.]
! This is a real gun! It's a real gun! It's a real gun! Get up! Get up, get up! It's not a real gun.
It was a hand.
It was a hand, obviously, idiot.
Oh, wipe out, wipe out, wipe out.
You gotta get out! [Woman shrilling.]
Yeah, let's go, let's go.
Whoa! Your brakes don't work! Whoa, whoa! Dude, chill.
I need to check the brakes really quick.
Psych! I'm stealing it.
[Laughs.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell are you doing? We're appreciating ourselves, dickhead! Whooooo! Get back here, scumbags! Ha, ha, ha! Outta my way, Koopa Troopa.
Yoshi coming through! You're not Yoshi, dude.
In fact, you're princess peach.
I'm Bowser.
Ders is that bitch Luigi.
- [Horn blares.]
- Oh! Oh, whatever, dude.
Luigi's cool! But let's face the facts, Demamp.
You're toadstool all day.
No, no, no, no, no! If I'm not Bowser, I'm definitely freakin' Wario! - I'm no bitch-ass toad.
- I'm not even in the same game as you bitches! I'm in Diddy Kong Racing, baby! Wait a second, if we're changing games, I'm Pierce Brosnan in 007.
[Energetic rock music.]
Heads up.
Okay, fine, I can live with all that, as long as I'm Wario.
Can you live with this? - Whoa! - Thank you.
[Laughing.]
Yeah! Hey, Blazer, you break my 'Vo-kart, I break your go-kart! Oh! The chair is mine, Ders! I need you to bottle your rage like you always do.
Hey! What the hell? Come on.
Come on! Come on! Oh.
It's the "on" switch, it's [Motor putters.]
- Yagh! - Argh! Well done, young squire.
Perhaps you'd like me to get medieval times all up in your b-hole.
You wanna joust? Let's joust! You're not gonna steal this chair from me just like you've stolen everything else.
Like that drunk girl, Haley, who came over to our house, - and I had her! - What? - I - Hang on a second.
No, no, no.
Forget it.
Ah, it's in the past.
Let's joust, though.
Ha ha! All right.
- [Dramatic drumbeats.]
- Yeah! - Aah! - Yah! - Yeah! - Yah! [Both screaming.]
- Oh oh! - Oh-oh-oh! Wham! [Both groaning.]
It's-a me, Wario! - I'm-a gonna win! - No! What? No.
You idiots are going the wrong way! That's the wrong way! I'm-a gonna win.
Whoo! Yeah! Oh, ow! Ow! Okay, what the [Bleep.]
? Yeah, okay, ow! How are you so good? You should all be professional golfers ow! [Bleep.]
! Here we go, baby.
Here we go, baby! Yeah! I [Screams.]
Whoo, yeah! Ho-ho! Hey, Demamp, you give up now, I promise to let you sit in my chair For 15 minutes every two weeks, ya bitch! It's not fair.
There's a 50% chance that 100% of my legs are broken.
I'm just coasting on pure adrenaline right now.
Quit hitting me! Yeah, all right.
- That was sick.
- Nice move, nice move.
I used to, uh, I used to do moves myself.
Hey, dude, hang on, man.
We're trying to get some footy, bro.
Sorry, pimpin'.
I got a massage chair to get.
What can I get you, bud? I'm gonna need three Neapolitan ice cream sandwiches and a ride.
There's $7 there.
Come on.
[Grunts.]
[Techno music.]
[Horn blares.]
Yo, yo, yo, I need two large pepperoni pizzas delivered to 14934 Isabel street.
- Okay.
- Matter of fact, erase that.
Just whatever the fastest pizza you can make is.
I got raw pizza.
That's pretty fast.
Takes, like, a couple minutes.
- Raw pizza? - Yeah.
It's actually pretty good.
It's almost like regular pizza, but it's, like, more rawer.
Uh, well, um, think I could get two of those? [Laughs.]
Uh, yea-uh.
- [Laughs.]
- That could work.
- All right.
- You want anything else? Uh, nope, just the two pizzas.
- Okay, cool.
- Ooh ooh ooh! Wait, whoa.
Let me get some of that cheesy breadsticks.
- Well, I can hook that up too.
- Cool.
Do you got some anything else to go with this? I'll suck your [Bleep.]
.
- You gonna suck my [Bleep.]
? - I will.
I'll throw in an extra breadstick for that.
Let's go! Come on, Ramon.
You help me get that massage chair, you're looking at a lifetime of free massages, my man.
Unless I'm already signed up for that massage time, in which case, you know, you'll have to figure something else out.
I wish you had Neapolitan - ice cream - Hello, boys! - Hey come on! - Later, skater.
Let's go, Ramon! Who you calling a skater, dude? You're the skater.
Au contraire, mon dickhead.
I'm a ripstiker.
- Look who's winning.
- Wait.
Special delivery! - What are you doing? - Agh! Quit skitching, you bitch.
Where'd you get a car? Up your butt and around the corner.
Ugh! Oh! - Whoa! - [Laughing hysterically.]
I hope you like pepperoni! [Tires screech.]
Whoaaaagh! No, no, Jo, you gotta keep going to the finish line! Deliver me! What the hell is wrong with you? You don't throw food out of my window.
You don't tell me what to do! I paid you for your services.
Now I'm basically your boss.
Now drive! Oh, get the [Bleep.]
out before I beat your skinny ass.
- What about the weed? - Oh, my God.
- Do me a solid.
- I'm gonna throat punch you.
- Where is my belt? - You are a psychopath.
You know that? Your customer service sucks ass.
- Gimme those! Gimme those! - Screw you! These are mine.
[Tires screeching.]
Whoa, whoa! And guess what.
You suck at sucking [Bleep.]
.
- Stop following me.
- I can follow anyone I want.
It's a free country.
Except for my seventh grade teacher and her two daughters, but that expires next year.
Blake, back the [Bleep.]
up! You guys are both really slow.
Yeah, I'm faster than you are.
Okay, okay, well, until you started running all fast.
Get back here! [Huffing and puffing.]
Ha-ha! I'm here for the chair! Yes, I win, I win.
- No, I won.
I got it.
- Ah, ah, ah.
- I was here first, sir.
- No.
And plus, you don't want these filthy animals sitting their dirty-ass butts in your seat, okay? - Would you like a breadstick? - He doesn't want a breadstick.
My butt is wildly clean.
If, like, I'm on the couch and I have to fart, like, I get up, and I walk away, unless it was, like, an emergency fart or, like, I'm super tired or it's an accidental fart and just slipped out of my butthole, so Hey.
The guy just picked it up.
- Guy? What guy? - The guy who phoned.
- I don't know.
- Okay.
How 'bout you just give him a call for us, hmm? You can see that I'm a little tense, right, and wouldn't mind a little me-ssage.
- Oh, that would be great.
- Oh.
He's behind you.
[Dog barking.]
Said it like it was a haunted house.
Oh! Guys, our chair! Ders, gimme your iPhone! I got an idea! - Here.
- Oh what the [Bleep.]
? - [Cell phone clanks in truck.]
- Yes! - All right! - What are you talking about? What, man? We track the iPhone, intercept the truck, and then it's on to phase two, which I'm not sure what that is yet, but I'm open for suggestions.
You have to have an iPhone to track an iPhone.
Doesn't Adam have an iPhone? No, I have a BlackBerry touch.
In fact, I dropped it in a toilet recently, so I no longer have that.
I've been giving chicks, like, Ders' number, - saying that I have a Butler.
- What? Okay, I haven't gotten one call for you.
- Yeah, right.
- I haven't.
- Sarah hasn't called.
- No.
- Jessica.
- Mm-mm.
- Parker.
- She did not.
Sarah Jessica Parker.
Okay, yeah, I was fooled.
Freakin' chicks, right? Dudes, I've got an idea.
But it means we have to work together.
Fine.
I don't care.
I'll work together.
- So we'll share the chair.
- All right, I will too.
And so will I.
Hey, guys, "chairing" is caring.
[Chortles.]
Psych.
Not funny to me.
Okay, what's your plan, hmm, tough guy? Well, it involves a lot of running, but I just saw the dude turn right, and I think I know where we can cut him off.
Come on, let's go.
Wait skip to save energy.
Hmm? Okay.
I'm just gonna jog.
Yes, very good.
I look fully hit and run.
Good phase two, Beezer.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You know, I've had a subscription to Fangoria magazine for quite a while now, and, you know, you pick up some tricks and tips from here and there and time to time.
Okay, Adam, would you Don't eat the bone.
- What are you doing? - Sorry.
I just wanted to see what it tastes like.
- Come on, man! - Yo, dudes, dudes, dudes! - Tastes like garlic bread.
- Here he comes.
Light turned green let's go.
Go time.
Okay, showtime.
Moan, moan a lot.
Yes, yes, okay.
[Moaning sensuously.]
Oh, God, help.
- Hey.
- I've been hit by a car.
Adam, less sexual, more pain.
Yeah, no, this is my pain.
If you heard my sex noises, you'd bust in your drawers, dude.
Of course we would.
Now focus! Oh! Oh, God, help! Oh, help me.
Ah, shoot, man.
You all right? Oh, I was hit by a car, and it just drove away.
- Is that your bone? - Oh, everything hurts.
Oh, that's that's terrible.
All right, look.
- I'm gonna call - I did a lot of running earlier so I've got some soreness in my quads as well.
Hey, 911, yeah, there's a I have an emergency.
Um, there's a guy on the on the road, and, uh, and there's, uh, uh, um, cars driving by.
He got hit.
[Moaning.]
Oh, God.
I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but his it looks like it's his arm.
It's there's a there's a A bone jagging out, and it's bl It's got blood and stuff all over it.
I-I don't know.
You want You want me to apply pressure? Yeah, I don't want to touch it, but - Oh, it hurts.
- All right.
I gotta apply pressure.
I got some towels in my truck.
Just don't go to the light.
Oh, no! No! No towels! Please, no towels! - Ders.
- What's up, dude? Check it out, check it out.
- Got your phone.
Bazinga.
- I don't care.
- Just grab the rope, okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, the pressure.
It hurts so much.
He says it hurts too much.
I'm parched.
[Gags.]
Oh, I need some electrolytes.
Some Budweiser energy, maybe some "b", "b" to the "e" at the store down there.
If you could run to the store down there Look, the lady says if I don't apply pressure, - you're gonna die.
- Is that what the lady says? Tell that lady to Suck a [Bleep.]
! And then he just ran away.
Yeah, he ran off.
I don't know, eating his arm.
It's like that movie, yeah, with the zombie Zombie Apocalypse, yeah, exactly like that.
- Oh, yes! - All right! - Yeah, we did it! - We got a chair! Elbow.
- Yeah! - We did it! Oh, my God, you see me acting with that dude? I was acting so hard.
We're gonna lower her down, baby.
- Put her down.
- Here she comes.
All right, nice and easy.
It's a precious cargo here.
Nice What a beauty.
Can't wait to share her with you guys.
- Yeah.
- It's a delicate machine.
I love you again.
[Horn blares.]
Oh, hey, pull it up! - No, no, no! - Oh, no! No, no! [All screaming at once.]
Whoa.
Are you guys okay? You look like hell.
What the hell happened to you? Nothing happened to us.
Except for having the worst lunch of our entire freaking existences.
Pretty bad.
Could've been great.
Could've been very great, but it slipped through our fingers and shattered in the road, so Alice, you ever had a dream, and that dream was hit by a semi and exploded on impact? No, can't say that I have.
Look, I don't know what happened to you guys, but I might have some news that could cheer you up.
I thought a lot about what you said about not feeling appreciated, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think you might be right.
So, as a little "thank you," I'm getting the office the massage chair from the bulletin board.
- No.
- What? Yeah.
Pretty cool, right? Massages for everyone.
I don't know, that delivery guy was supposed to be here like 20 minutes ago.
I don't know where he is.
He was supposed to bring it here.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Massages all around.
- Yeah.
- Ohh.
- Oh, there he is.
- What? Oh.
- Yep, that's him.
- Thank you for appreciating us.
- Don't you - All right.
- Hey, you Alice Murphy? Yeah, that's me.
Do you have the chair? You're late.
Oh.
Well, I had it.
I picked it up, and I was halfway here, and then it was it was just gone.
Are you kidding? You owe me a massage chair.
You owe this office a massage chair.
Hey, guys, guess what.
I ordered you a massage chair 'cause I'm a cool-ass boss, and this guy lost it.
I oughta bash your pretty face in.
- Pffft.
- Hello? - I can't believe - Wait.
She got the massage chair.
I'm sorry, sir, could you repeat that? I didn't hear you.
I'm interested in your erect chin pills.
[Both snickering.]
Why? Do you have trouble getting an erect chin? Yes, I've always wanted one.
I think girls would like it.
Bill? Oh, my God! You can't take a pill to help you with your limp chin.
It wasn't me.
This joke freakin' rules! Yeah! Don't mess with my squad, bill! - Yeah.
- This is my guy.
This is my guy.
[Giggles.]
[Chuckles.]