Xena: Warrior Princess s04e10 Episode Script

Careful.
This porker's priceless.
Pearls before swine Where are you, my little beauty? Well, well, well Let's see You touch the chimes The trap snaps, shut.
Oh! Ya lose a hand.
Incredible.
Genius.
Foolproof.
Two minutes, tops.
Ever so gently.
Well, not the worst drop I've ever made but by far the most profitable.
That gets harder every year.
Now let's take a look at you.
Xena? Hey, small world, huh? Oh, ya have business here? Everything seems to be closed.
Yeah Say, how'd ya like to go grab a bite to eat? I know this great little place.
You'd Come on, Xena It's just a lousy, little ruby.
It's not even worth talkin' about.
They won't even know that it's gone.
Look! The ruby! It's gone! -All right! -The ruby! It's back! I gave it back! You happy now? What are ya! Stupid or somethin'? That thing was worth a fortune! Meg, ya little minx, ya.
Sorry, he's usually a brilliant thief.
-Meg? Who's Meg? -Meg's me.
And who's brilliant? 'Cause it ain't you, Mr.
Stinky.
Hey! She fooled ya, didn't she? Ya thought she was Xena, but she's not.
She's Meg.
Hey, got a proposition for ya.
Now, now, now, wait a minute.
You're saying that's not Xena? No.
-So Let me get this right.
-Yeah, yeah I threw that precious gem over the wall for no good reason Huh? Hey, can you imagine that? I'll kill ya, ya moron! Wait till I get my hands on you! Brawl! Yeah! In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world.
XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS -Let's have a little fight! -Come on! Come on! Make yourselves at home.
Ya want some grog? Plenty of grog.
Three grogs! -So? What's this all about? -Well I don't know if I want to tell you.
After all, ya haven't made much of an impression on me yet.
Wait a minute, Auto.
Now I got a proposition for ya.
You ever heard of the crown of Athena? Crown of Athena? You kidding? Who hasn't? -I've been after it for years.
-Here you go.
Problem is, Athena locked the crown away twenty years ago after King Cleades disappeared.
You need some kind of a key, but it's a closely-guarded secret.
You'd be surprised what a young, nubile guard will scream out -when he's about -To meet his maker.
Yeah Well, you seem to have a talent.
What's your interest in this? I worked it out.
It's all even-steven.
I get half, she gets half, and you get half.
Yeah? Just what I thought.
It's hollow.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Thrasos ruled by two extremely greedy warlords? Ormestin and this Kryptos character? How you gonna get around them, huh? Hello! That's why Meg's dressed like Xena.
Look Joxer, the Mighty, brings Xena, Warrior Princess, and Autolycus, the king of thieves Aka, Mr.
Stinky.
That's so -in chains -In chains? Yeah, oh, look, look, look, look.
Let me explain it to ya.
Now They're grateful.
They make me lord of the realm and ruler of the treasury.
"More wine, my lord? No, no.
" You see? I sneak into the treasury, take the key from one of the guards, I say something like "What's that over there?", ya know? Then I free you two, we walk off rich into the sunset.
Well, whaddya think? I think it's inbreeding.
Now listen, you two.
I'm the expert here.
There's nothing I haven't been able to break into or out of.
Oh, come on There's nothing so appealing to a woman as a man who can admit his flaws.
Well, just between you and me I do have this little problem with these scythian double-latch locks.
For some reason they're not my forte.
Still, it's my plan or no plan.
You got it? So, what's your plan? Come on! Hurry it up! Please, that's really all that we have.
You know that lying to the tax collector's a crime, don't you? Or would you prefer to talk to the soldiers? Maybe you'd rather talk to us first.
-Who are you? -We're villains.
Bad! We'll kill you! We'll cut you and then w They get the idea.
Give us all your money, tax collector.
This is a good day to die.
Oh, no.
It is the warrior Xena.
What? Oh, what shall we do? We must attempt to fight her! I will ram her through with my sword! She took my hand! Spare us, Xena! Now go away from this place.
And don't come back, or you will suffer the wrath of Xena! Be not afraid.
I'll not harm you.
Take me to your leader.
We've got some things to discuss.
With a body like that, and brains like mine, there are definitely some possibilities here.
Hey! That's my girl you're talkin' about.
That's anybody's girl I'm talkin' about.
Come on She doesn't have an ounce of loyalty for any one man.
Trust me, I know the type.
I love the type.
Hey, Meg's different.
She's also missing something.
Yeah, me, pressed right up against her.
Look, Auto! Get this throught that thick, thieving skull of yours Meg has had a hard life and she needs our help.
Now I'm asking you as a friend.
Lay off of her.
You really like her, don't you? Don't you worry, little buddy.
You're dealing with a man of honor.
However, honor requires a higher percentage of profits.
Good.
Good, I'm glad you're finally seeing things my way.
Fine.
Make yourself useful and go get some horses.
'K.
Onto the next.
You're forming another army? Exactly.
Only my enemies know that I've come here to form an alliance with ya so they've sent an assassin to kill ya both.
Impossible.
Our secret police would've told us by now.
-Oh, secret police? -Yes.
Well, everybody knows about them.
But don't worry.
I can stop the assassin.
Just show me your security arrangements.
And of course, there's a platoon of soldeirs on every floor.
That door there is a door to a storage chamber.
What about this one? That's off-limits to all except the inner circle of Thrasos.
Well, that's good.
That's really good.
Let's continue.
Secret police Keep your eyes peeled for an assaassin.
There'a reward in it for ya.
-Does this window face west? -Yes.
Why? Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.
It looks pretty secure.
What else ya got for me? Good girl, Meg.
Just give me three minutes.
It's the assassin! After him! What? What is this? Where's the key? Meg, there's no key.
There's just some kid.
Some baby kid.
The baby kid is the key, Mr.
Stinky.
-Guards! -What the? -What are you doing? -Autolycus, will you never learn? Why don't you tell 'em that it was all my idea, huh? Tell 'em that it was all my plan so that I could come in here and steal the key.
Oh, no.
Better yet.
Why don't you tell 'em that I'm not the real Xena? -That's his usual line.
-Take him away.
Lock him in the dungeon.
In stocks! With double-latch scythin locks.
It's not his furte.
It seems we owe you a debt of thanks, Xena.
I come here looking for allies, and what do I find? Lax security and thieves stealing babies.
It's a wonder you aren't both dead already.
-I assure you, the -No, no.
The alliance is off.
Just be grateful that I don't come down here with my whole army to muss up your fancy hair.
What about the assassin? You're on your own, girls.
-There is no doubt -Not now.
Everything all right, ma'am? Yes.
The "key" needs his sleep.
You can leave us.
Oh, scythian double-latch locks I can't believe I fell for that.
It's all right.
It's just a little more work but it'll all be worth it once I get my hands on that Why did you steal the key? Steal him? She stole him? Tell me about her, about Xena.
Well, with all due respect, ma'am, who are you? I'm Gryphia, the guardian of the key.
Ah.
Well, Xena is this warrior She goes around righting wrongs and saving people.
It's all pretty sappy but she seems to get her kicks out of it.
The problem is, that was not Xena.
It was an exact look-alike.
Some lady named Meg.
Soon to be the late Meg if I get my hands on her.
Then she doesn't know the secret of the key? -What secret? -She must be told.
Told? Told what? What was that all about? You're trying to steal the crown of Athena.
Sure to fail.
Oh, and I was doing so well The crown of Athena belonged to King Cleades.
The key will point to the door to the crown of Athena and more.
Go on.
Once the key opens the door the child will be no more.
That's very poetic but it doesn't sound good for the kid.
Then again, once I find the door when have I ever needed a key? Now, bear in mind No matter what you are about to see this is a very-carefully planned technique I've used more than once to escape from the dreaded scythian double-latch locks.
And that is why I am the king of thieves.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be out for a few minutes.
There you are! I was beginnig to give up hope.
-Where's Autolycus? -Oh, we He had an accident.
Wait a minute.
You mean, you and he Oh, wait.
You weren't gone that long.
It's not his.
It's mine.
At least, it is now.
Wait a minute.
You mean, you kidnapped that baby? You mean, all this business about finding a key was just so you could steal someone's kid? Hey, you used me.
And you used Autolycus! And you used him! Tell me that's not what happened! Nah, that pretty much sums it up.
But nobody got hurt, 'n', Joxer, it's all I've ever really wanted.
I wasn't lyin' to ya.
I just tricked ya.
Well He is kind of cute, isn't he? Well, he's hungry.
And I think he needs some fresh trousers.
Why don't you go to the market and get him some blankets and somethin' to eat? Why me? 'Cause fatherhood becomes you.
Fatherhood Ok.
I'll get him some strong cheese.
-And some pickles.
-Right.
Ah, little man It's been a mighty big day, huh? Sorry things have been pretty crazy, huh? But Ya know We'll go somewhere and we'll settle down, just you and me.
Joxer, 'cause he's funny.
You're the best baby.
You're the first baby.
You're the only baby I ever had.
Autolycus is gone! He and Xena came here to steal the key and now they have him.
She knows how to get Athena's crown.
How? We've been trying to figure it out for twenty years.
The key can point to the door.
That kid hasn't shown us anything.
Xena has figured it out! What are we gonna do about it? You rude, little man! You cheeky monkey! Mr.
Stinky, I presume.
That's right, Meg.
It's me, Mr.
Stinky.
So you got out, huh? Well, I knew you would.
I wouldn't have done that if I didn't think the old king of thieves couldn't handle it.
Give me that baby! I don't do kidnapping.
I'm gonna take that thing in and I'm gonna collect a big, fat reward! -Over my dead body! -Oh, that can be arranged.
Ok, ok You'll be safe there.
You are so lucky that I'm a gentleman Now give me that baby.
I got a shamrock and I know how to use it.
First of all, it's a chakram.
And that thing is made outta wood.
Now, give it to me.
Yeah! Ok.
Punkin? Punkin? Punkin! Baby's gonna be warm, fat and happy.
-Punkin! -Don't you want your squash? Meg, come here, you! Make way for the royal wagon! Out of the way! I'm blind! Oh, pardon.
-Hey! -Pardon.
Oh, lady Spread out! They could be anywhere! -Punkin! -It's Xena! Let's go! Over here! -Punkin! -Come here, Meg! Where is the key? Let's go! Punkin! The baby! Sweetie! Pumpkin? Follow that chariot! The horses! Come on, Meg! Ok, ol' lightnin'.
We're gonna save that baby.
Ok Hey, hey, hey! Ow! Ow! What're you doin'? -Holdin' on! -Well, grab somethin' else! Ok, baby.
Daddy's comin'.
Ready? Set? That was close.
We're catchin' him! Come on! Joxer! -What're you doin'? -Plan's workin' great! I'm slowin' him down! Go, Auto! Ok, Meg! Momma's here, Punkin.
Oh, no.
Meg? Meg? You and your propositions Look what your proposition did.
-Yeah, well, you didn't have to help! -Oh, sure! You dangle a beautiful woman and a fancy crown in my face What do you expect? It was a stacked deck! -Yeah? -Yeah! Meg! Meg! Well We won't be trying that again, huh? They're ok! Ya worry-wart, ya! Ah, this is gonna slant my reputation.
Why, Meg? Why this baby? Why now? Would you keep your voice down? When I heard about the baby There was no one to love him.
There was no one to hold him, no one to tell him stories.
Well, I just reckon that's a lousy way to grow up.
Yeah, in that cold, damp, drippy castle.
Ok, fine.
You rescued a baby.
That was the easy part.
Now ya gotta raise it.
How ya gonna do that, huh? Unless we go after the crown of Athena.
If we do, that kid will never go hungry.
Nobody's harmin' my baby.
Not one hair on his chinny-chin-chin, I promise you.
Ok.
You know I never really held a baby before.
May I? -Ok.
-Ok.
Ya gotta hold the back of his head.
Hey, little fella.
Ok, good.
Who's a good boy? -What are you lookin' at? -Y'old softy, you.
See? It's a good thing Meg took that baby.
Now it's gonna be loved, cared for, raised properly.
-Yeah, it's a good thing, huh, dad? -Yeah.
Dad? Dad They just don't understand, Punkin.
Well, they can't possible know how it is.
See, what I had, now, it wasn't so good.
My father, he died when I was really young My mom, she tried hard but Why, it just didn't work out.
Well, I was left alone to do what I wanted and I made all my own decisions, and I guess I wasn't too good at that, neither.
Things is gonna be different for you.
You see those? They're stars.
When I was a little girl I used to think that all those little lights came from houses in the sky and each one of those houses had a happy family around a cozy fire and the lights came from all the open windows.
And I used to think that at every window there was a little girl just like me lookin' out at the other lights.
And I wondered what it would be like to be one of them.
Well, one day we're gonna be one of those little lights.
That's a promise.
You know when I said Meg doesn't have an ounce of loyalty for any one man? Yeah.
I was wrong.
Let's poke it with a stick or somethin'.
No.
No.
The old man said "The key can point to the door, to the crown of Athena and more.
Once the key opens the door, the baby will drool and wet itself on the floor.
" That's the worst legend I've ever heard.
Speaking of wetting himself, I think somebody needs a trouser change.
Yes, you do.
Yes, you do.
Yeah.
Boy Momma's got it in for you.
Ok.
Let's see.
Who's Mr.
Stinky now, huh? No more pickles for you.
Hey Hey! Hey! Hey! Here! Help me put this thing out! -What are ya doin'? -Come on! Put it out, put it out! Look! Look! Whaddya see? No, besides that! -What? What is it? -It's a map! The map to the crown of Athena is on the blanket.
The key will point the way.
There's the door.
This cushion must be for the kid.
That's you, Punkin.
No, no.
Don't do that.
Let me check the door first.
-Well? -I'm workin' on it.
-Let's go! -Hey, someone's comin'.
Let's just open this thing, and then we can get outta here.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't put the baby there.
Are you stupid? Ah, look, I didn't tell ya everything.
The rest of the legend says "Once the key opens the door the child is no more.
" I wasn't gonna risk the kid.
I just had to know where the door was.
They're gettin' closer! Come on, Autolycus! Quickly! Ok, there's our way out.
I need two men! Fall back! Ok.
What are you doin' down there? All right.
Grab on now.
You two get up there.
-I'm gonna go hold 'em off.
-I'll help ya.
No, you can't help me and save the baby too.
Get going.
I'm gonna get this thing up there, see? -Ok, ok -Hold on.
-Hurry up! -All right.
You give me that! Come on! Hurry up! Go and help Auto.
All right.
Punkin? No! Punkin? Come on! Kriptos Kill them all.
-Thanks! What's your name? -You can call me Punkin.
Meg! -Nice moves! -That's not Meg, you moron! It's Xena! -Where's Meg? -She's up there.
She's fine.
-How'd you get here? -Gryphia, the old nurse.
When you told her about me, she came to find me.
King Cleades The child is no more This is the king of Thrasos? King? That's my boy! The apple didn't fall far from the tree.
I was a fool.
My people were so good, so hard-working But I took all that for granted, and slowly started to treat them Yeah, like animals.
We saw what happened to your kingdom.
You know, your people are basically bankrupt.
Yes.
Through the eyes of a child I saw.
Why did Athena make you a baby? The eyes of a child are innocent.
They can see the world in ways that we've long forgotten.
Athena gave him a chance to learn and gain wisdom.
Kryptos and Ormestin are going to clean out the royal treasury and take off.
You can regain the throne if that's what matters to you.
No.
The treasury belongs to my people.
Without it, they starve.
I wouldn't be here today if someone hadn't risked everything for me.
I had to see love, and you showed it to me.
Those two have to be stopped.
My people deserve no less.
You got it, Punkin.
You're not alone.
I'll be fighting alongside you.
You can count on me, son.
Would there be any kind of reward in this? I mean, it's not a deal-breaker or anything.
Ok, Ok, I'm in.
I'm in.
Yeah, like Mr.
Stinky said, I thought maybe there was a reward in it, like I don't know, a crown or a baby or sum'in' but ok.
-Barge is ready, sir.
-Good.
Load this up.
Once the people realize we're out of here, there might be problems.
What does it matter? Let them riot.
We have the crown.
Nothing can stop us now.
Cleades? Xena -Two Xenas -That's right.
-Makes you wanna cry like a baby, doesn't it? -Yeah.
Yeah! Ok, fellas! Hold on a second.
Suckers! That was an original.
What are you fighting for? We've kept the kingdom the way you left it! You can share in the wealth! It belongs to my people! Your people When did they ever matter to you? Ever since he was a baby! It's your kingdom.
Your justice I sentence you to live away from here, away from my kingdom, away from my people.
Go.
Guess this is your, huh? It's not mine.
It was always intended for my queen.
Gryphia.
Athena made Cleades young so that he could see anew.
And she made Gryphia old to teach her how to care.
What's the matter with you? They grew up so fast He was big Meg Oh, Xena Well, everything worked out all right.
Everybody's happy.
But then I really thought I had somethin' in there.
You do.
You've got a warm, caring heart with a lotta love to give.
For the right price -Everyone knows, that's Meg.
-Who do you think you're fooling, huh? You've got so much depth that it scares you when it comes out.
Well, look who's talkin'.
There's a million little lights in the sky and a million cozy homes and I ain't never gonna be part of one of 'em.
Meg One day it's going to happen for you.
And you'll have a family of your own, not a borrowed one.
A family of your own.
I can't have children.
You did a wonderful thing here, Meg.
You helped a lot of people because you were able to love one child.
And I can't believe that with all the little lights in the sky that there isn't one waiting for someone like you.