All In The Family s04e11 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days What are you reading, Ma? "I am Jane's Kidney.
" What? It's in the Reader's Digest.
Every month, some part of Jane tells a story about itself.
Last month it was her heart and before that it was her liver.
I'm getting to know Jane inside out.
[SIGHS.]
Something wrong with Jane's kidney? Oh, no, I just can't finish this.
I keep reading the same line over and over.
You really miss Archie, don't you, Ma? Oh, yeah.
When I saw him put on his little soldier cap and go off to his veteran's convention, it reminded me how much I missed him when he went off to Fort Dix to fight Hitler.
I don't understand, Ma.
I mean, the convention's in Manhattan.
Why can't Archie sleep here? Why does he have to sleep at a hotel? Well, it isn't just any hotel.
It's the new Howard Johnson.
Boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Gloria, what's the matter? You have a hard day? Michael, you don't know the half of it.
I thought everything that could possibly happen to me on the subway had already happened, but tonight topped 'em all.
Well, what happened? I got a seat.
[LAUGHS.]
You tricked me! She's always doing that to me! Hi, Ma.
Hi, Gloria.
You tricked me too.
I'm sorry, Ma.
It's just that I'm in such a good mood 'cause it's Saturday night.
And tomorrow's Sunday, which means I got the whole day off.
And you bought yourself something.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, yeah.
Wait till you see.
What is it? Michael, don't come up.
It's a surprise.
I'll be right down.
All right.
Oh, hi, Frank! Come in.
Thank you.
Hi, Mike.
Hey, Frank.
Ah, Edithyou got anything special on tonight? Oh, no.
I've worn this dress lots of times.
No, no.
I mean, Irene and I are going to the movies.
You wanna come with us? Oh, thank you.
Are you sure it's all right? You know what they say, "Two's company, three's a crowd.
" You want me to ditch Irene? Frank! I'll send her out for some popcorn and you and I can sneak up to the balcony, huh? Oh, Frank.
You're so funny.
What do you say? You wanna come? I'd love to.
Good! I'll go and tell Irene.
What's playing? Cries & Whispers, an Ingmar Bergman picture.
That must be a new one.
I've seen every picture she's made.
Oh, no, no.
Not Ingrid.
Ingmar Bergman, the famous Swedish director.
Hey, Frank, do you mind if Gloria and I go with you? Oh, it's a pleasure! You're my guest.
Oh, no, Frank, really.
I mean, we'll pay our own-- No, no, no, no.
I don't want to hear about it.
It's bad luck to go Dutch treat to a Swedish movie.
I'll call Gloria.
Hey, Gloria! You wanna go to the movies?! GLORIA: Love it! Hurry it up! Think I'll wrap up a piece of pie to take with me.
I ain't never seen a Swedish movie before.
How will I know what they're saying? Oh, don't worry.
This one along the bottom, Which is better than the foreign film I saw last week, at all.
I couldn't understand a single word.
Oh, my.
Because you couldn't understand the language? How could I? It was British.
Well, you know how they talk.
[IMITATES BRITISH ACCENT.]
Hello.
Cheerio, old chap.
[MUMBLES.]
God save the queen, old boy! Frank, what time does the movie start? Oh, uh, it starts at 8:30.
So let's be ready in five minutes, huh? Oh, cheerio, Reggie, old boy.
[MUMBLES.]
[HUMMING GLAMOROUS TUNE.]
GLORIA: Well, somebody say something.
Gloria, look at you.
You ain't you.
Michael? Amazing.
Well, do you like it? I love it! [IMITATING GROUCHO MARX.]
I suppose I should throw myself at your feet.
But instead, I think I'll throw myself at your head.
That tickles! It's incredible, Gloria! It changes your whole personality.
What made you buy it? Well, I got tired of having to wash my hair every other day, and it was on sale at Kressler's.
The nice thing about washing a wig is that when you sit under the dryer, you don't have to be there.
I can't get over it.
It makes you look so Well, let me put it this way.
Oh! Now let me put it this way.
And let me put it this way.
Listen, I hate to interrupt you, but if we don't get going, we'll miss the beginning of the picture.
Oh, yeah.
Come on, Michael.
Gloria, I was just thinking.
Uh, maybe we shouldn't go to the movies tonight.
But, Michael, it's Saturday night.
Oh, big deal! Saturday night.
Gloria, it's only lonely, unfulfilled people who have to go out just because it's Saturday night.
When two people love each other, any night of the week can be Saturday night.
But, Michael, I've been cooped up at the store all day long, and I've really been looking forward to going out tonight.
We really ought to be going.
Uh, Ma, just a second.
Excuse me, please.
Gloria think about it.
We have the house all to ourselves.
The two of us.
You and me, alone.
Mike and Gloria.
Together.
Alone.
Together.
Alone.
Well-- And you know what I just remembered? You know what's on TV tonight? No.
Citizen Kane.
Tonight? Yeah! Really? That's right! Oh, Ma.
You go ahead and go without us.
We're gonna stay home tonight.
I think Mike wants to be alone with you.
Citizen Kane is on tomorrow night.
I know.
Oh, well, bye, Mike! Oh.
Bye, Mom! And watch out for that Frank Lorenzo.
All right.
Oh, Mike! Honey, I'm so glad you thought of it, 'cause Citizen Kane is supposed to be one of the really great movies of all time.
So why don't you turn on the TV and I'll be right down, okay? Uh, where are you going? I'm going upstairs to take off the wig.
No! I meanno.
Why don't you leave it on? Well, I don't need it on to watch TV.
B-but think how much fun it'll be, Gloria, sitting home and watching television with a glamorous, dark-haired movie star.
Okay, Michael.
Come on, sit down.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, will you please turn on the TV? What for? Well, it'll be easier to see Citizen Kane if the television set's on.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, wellit's not on yet.
Oh, well, what time does it come on? Uhnot tonight.
What? Uh, don't get mad, Gloria.
Michael, you tricked me! Gloria, I just wanted for the two of us to be alone, that's all.
Well, why'd you have to lie to me? The truth wasn't working so good.
Get lost, you! I know, I know.
You're right, Gloria.
The truth is you're my wife and I love you, and, like I said, I just wanted for the two of us to be alone, that's all.
I'm-- I'm sorry I lied to you.
Well, that's all right, Michael.
We can watch Citizen Kane tomorrow night.
Well, Gloria, don't try to make me feel bet-- Tomorrow night? Yeah.
That's when it's on.
I marked it here in the TV Guide 'cause I didn't want to miss it.
Gloria! You mean, you knew Citizen Kane wasn't on tonight? Yeah.
So why did you let me go on like that, making a fool out of myself? 'Cause you were saying such beautiful things.
You tricked me! That's right! Oh, Gloria! I'll kill you! Your trick was worse than my trick, because you knew and I didn't know.
And what's worse, you knew I didn't know! Michael, calm down, calm down! Don't tell me to calm down! Not until I tell you what I have to! Last one up the stairs is a rotten egg.
No! Hey, Gloria.
what's taking you so long? I'm brushing my teeth! Oh.
Well, hurry it up! I'll be right in, honey! Sorry I took so long, honey.
Oh, that's all right.
Gloria, wh-what did you do? I don't know.
What did I do? You took off the wig! Oh, yeah, sure.
I'm not gonna sleep in it.
Yeah, but, honey Honey, you look so cute in it.
Well, don't you think I look cute without it? Oh, sure, sure.
You look beautiful.
Oh, tell me more.
You know, I can't get over how cute you looked in that wig.
I'm glad, honey.
I didn't think you were gonna like it.
Are you kidding me? I loved it! It's beautiful! Put it on.
No, honey, 'cause I have to pin my hair and wrap it.
It's a net.
It takes too long.
I can wait.
Come on, Michael, come to bed.
My feet are cold.
Wait, wait, Gloria.
Just a second.
Just a second.
Do it for me, huh? Just for me.
Put the wig on, huh? I-It makes you look sodifferent.
Different.
Makes me look so different.
Michael, I may be slow, but it's finally getting through to me.
I only appeal to you when I have this dumb wig on! Gloria, that's not true.
Michael, it's not me.
It's this pile of hair from Kressler's that's getting to you.
I just happen to be standing underneath it.
Gloria, how can you say that? That's not true! I love you with or without the wig.
It's just that right now, I'd like you with the wig.
Sure you would! Because that way, you can mess around with a different girl without cheating on your wife! What a sickie! You're calling me a sickie, Gloria? You're the sick one! You're jealous of your own wig! All I know is that you're in love with the fantasy figure with dark hair.
No! No, that's not true.
I'm in love with you, Gloria.
Look, I wanna show you something.
Look at this.
Look at this here.
You know what this is? Here, it's a whole tray full of fantasy here.
And look what you've got here.
Perfumes, lipsticks, mascaras, blue eye shadow, green eye shadow false eyelashes.
And what is all this here for, Gloria? All to make you more attractive to me.
So why should you mind the wig? Gee, honey, what are we arguing about? Come on, put it on.
No! Why not? I'm not gonna be the other woman in my own marriage! Honey, you're not making any sense.
Oh, yes, I am, Michael! It's not me you're attracted toit's her! Well, the three of us are not gonna share this bed tonight! I don't even think I wanna share it with you! Oh, okay! If that's what you want, Gloria, fine.
That's okay.
I'll sleep on the couch.
Good night! Michael, wait! Wait! Don't forget your girlfriend.
I hope the two of you will be very happy! Good morning, Gloria.
Good morning.
If you're looking for Mike, he ain't here.
I wasn't looking for him.
Where'd he go? He went for a walk in the park.
I hope he gets mugged Gloria.
by someone wearing a wig.
Gloria, I'll fix you a nice breakfast.
Then you'll feel better.
No, thanks, Ma.
I have no appetite.
Oh, it was the same with Mike.
He only ate two pieces of bacon and he hardly touched his third egg.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Oh, the poor thing.
Well, he was very upset, Gloria.
He told me about you and him and the wig.
Gloria, I don't understand.
What did he do that made you so mad? Ma, how would you feel? I put on the wig, and something came over him.
He became sensuous and demanding and passionate.
It was terrible.
I must have missed something.
What was the terrible part? Oh, the long And the short and the tall Gloria, here comes your father! There'll be no promotion This side of the ocean So cheer up, my lads Bless 'em all Well, Edith as General MacArthur said, we have returned Lafayette.
Oh! My soldier boy has returned! Yeah! Oh, Archie, I missed you so much.
Yeah, I know that, Edith.
Hi there, little girl.
Hi, Daddy.
[MOCKINGLY.]
Hi, Daddy.
Jeez, that's a swell greeting I get.
What's the matter? Anything wrong with you? I've seen happier faces on iodine bottles.
I'm fine.
Did you have a good time at your convention? Oh, yeah! We had-- Well, yeah, but that ain't the reason that we go to conventions, to have a good time, you know.
We've got a lot of important things to do.
Edith, get coffee, huh? Yes.
So, yeah, while we're there, we welcome new members.
We go to meetings.
we attend them there, what do you call secret crocuses.
The most important thing we do is defend our country, long may she wave, against the bleeding-heart liberals, who want to destroy the peace of this world by taking the guns away from our boys.
Where's the meathead? I wish he could hear some of this.
Didn't you have any fun, Archie? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sure, Edith.
We had a little fun.
You know, just before lights out, bend a few elbows, have a few laughs.
I tell you, there's this guy, Jerry Cromwell, from Jersey City, you know.
He got himself one of these electric cattle prods.
He'd get into the elevator, you know.
He introduced himself to the ladies from behind with a little whoops, eh? Didn't he do the same thing last year? Yeah, Edith, he always does it.
That's, er, what do you call it? Tradition.
I mean, that's what makes the military what it is.
Tradition.
Sounds like a million laughs.
Now, listen, little girl we do just what we done overseas there in WW2.
Come back after a hard day's fighting, you need a few laughs to break up the monogamy.
That's what these conventions do.
They break up monogamy.
Some fun.
A bunch of old goats molesting unsuspecting women.
Ah, come on, now! Hey! There was no molesting, eh.
Nobody laid a hand on nobody else.
Just every now and then, a little electric whoops with the prod.
It's a little innocent fun.
And them old goats you're talking about are just like your father here.
They're happy married men.
Happily married men? Don't you tell me about happily married men.
Happily married men are the worst lechers in the world.
I should know, 'cause I'm married to a happily married man.
What the hell's this all about? I don't wanna talk about it! You just talked about it! Will you leave me alone? [MOANS.]
It's that time of the month again, huh? No, Archie.
Mike and Gloria had a fight, and he walked out of the house.
You ain't just telling that to make me feel good, are you? Archie! All right, all right.
Well, what happened, anyway? Give me the whole story.
But don't make any detours, huh? Just give it to me short and sweet.
All right.
Mike fell in love with a wig.
I didn't believe it neither, but that's what Gloria said he did, and she was there.
You see, Gloria bought this wig, and when she put it on, she looked beautiful.
Mike loved her in it.
Well, what's the matter with that? Well, there's more, but I can't talk about it.
Force yourself, huh? Well Mike wanted her to wear the wig when When Well, you know what married people do sometimes.
Oh, here he is, huh? Here's the-- Wait a minute! Where do you think you're going? To talk to Gloria.
Oh, no, no.
Hey! Hey, Gloria, the meathead's back! Lock your door! My daughter don't wanna talk to you, you hair lover.
I thought you were still in the city making Times Square safe for democracy.
I want to talk to you, though! Well, well, well.
Look who's here.
Did you decide to come back to finish your third egg? Gloria, I wanna talk to you.
Hey, hey, did he eat three eggs? Gloria, for the past hour, I've been walking around in the park.
Arm in arm with a wig? Will you stay out of this, please? I've been walking in the park feeling terribly guilty about what happened last night.
Then suddenly it hit me.
What am I feeling guilty about? I mean, what did I do wrong? Will somebody please tell me what I did wrong? All I wanted to do was make love to my wife.
Hey, hey! Cut that out! Edith don't wanna talk about that! I ain't talking, Archie.
I'm just listening.
Well, stifle yourself and quit listening.
Okay, Michael, if you're gonna talk about our private problems in front of the whole world, you might as well tell 'em everything.
You wanted to make love to me because I was wearing a wig.
You, buddy, are a weirdwolf.
Gloria, why did you buy the wig? So I wouldn't have to shampoo my hair every five minutes.
No, now that is not the only reason.
You also know that you happen to look very attractive in it.
Well, I liked it.
It worked.
Worked? You need a dose of saltpeter in your cornflakes! Michaelare you actually saying that I'd turn myself into a sex object for your pleasure? Sometimes, yes.
The same way I try to make myself attractive for you.
How do you do that? Put a bag over your head? Why don't you run down to the post office and salute a flag? If you go with me! Gloria, honey, believe me.
It wasn't the wig.
It was the fact that you were wearing the wig.
That's what did it.
Gloria, remember the time I went shopping with you, and you bought that blue dress? There were three other girls in that store trying on the same dress, but they didn't do a thing for me.
But when you put it on, remember how I reacted? Yeah, you loved it.
I didn't love the dress, Gloria.
I loved you in the dress.
If I saw that dress on a hanger right now, it wouldn't do a thing for me.
I'd like to see you on a hanger in the rain.
MIKE: Will you just stay out of this, please? Gloria, don't you see what I'm trying to say? It's-- It's not the object you're wearing.
It's the fact that you're wearing it.
I love you, Gloria.
Did you get any sleep last night? No.
Neither did I.
I think I'm gonna go take a little nap.
I think I will too.
A nap? They think they're fooling me with that stuff.
Oh, Archie.
Don't give me the "Oh, Archie!" You're sitting here.
You heard that.
Did you get anything out of that? Oh, yeah.
They're just like you and me.
They ain't like you and me! They ain't like nobody! Oh.
Yeah, Archie, I remember one morning.
It was You came out of the bathroom and you'd just finished shaving.
And you smelled wonderful.
And I gave you a big kiss.
And ever since then, you made sure you smelled the same way every morning.
What has that got to do with this? Everything.
I know how Mike feels about the wig.
I feel the same way.
Because there's something about my Aqua Velva man.
Archie, what do you think? I think I need another beer.
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.