Ally Mcbeal s04e11 Episode Script

I know I stand in line Until you think you have the time To spend an evening with me And if we go someplace to dance I know that there's a chance You won't be leaving with me When I was little I used to pretend Nancy Sinatra was singing this song to me.
You're kidding.
When I was little, I pretended Frank was singing it to me.
- John? - Yes? Do you want to walk me home tonight? If I tic more than normal, it's because I'm nervous.
I've never done this before.
You've never? No, I don't mean I'm a virgin.
I've never brought a man to my apartment.
In fact, I've never brought anyone back to my apartment.
Well, I'm honored, then.
I hope my underwear is clean.
No, it was a joke.
Ready? Ready.
Whoo! You live here? Yeah.
I feel safe and cozy.
I just can't have any dinner parties.
But where do you even sleep? Ta-da! And is there a commode? Yes.
Yes.
Do you need to go? No, no, I'm fine.
Is it too weird? No, I quite love it.
And I suppose if you misplace something it saves time.
Yeah.
Same for when I want to get a guy into my bedroom.
You got me there.
John, I I so wanted you to see my apartment.
Do you really like it? Melanie, it's magical.
How did you find this place? I know the super.
He set me up.
- Okay - I'm sorry.
- There we go.
- Sorry.
- When I'm - Nervous? Yeah.
There may be an earthquake.
No, it's not.
That's the other thing.
This isn't technically an apartment.
What is it? An old service elevator.
I've been down this road Mr.
Bo Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Yeah, now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah First up, where's John? He's sitting in on Melanie's class again to see He's in love with her, follows her around like a puppy dog.
It's gross.
Excellent.
Next up, new client.
Roth Public Relations.
Big ticket.
A former employee is suing them.
Ally, I'd like you to handle it.
Mark, second chair.
A meeting set up for 9:30.
Moving on - Wait, what's the case about? - About $200 an hour, your time.
The cause of action? A receptionist claims she was fired for being too chunky.
Ridiculous.
- What did the client say? - She was fat.
Our client admits that was the reason? Fat? She is.
I saw a picture.
A beast.
I am certainly not gonna take that case.
The client wants a woman.
You'll do it.
Final note: There's a charity twisting contest at the bar Wednesday night.
Chubby Checker will sing, which is a treat since I thought he was What's the word? Dead.
I bought five entries at $ 1500 a pop.
Nelle, you'll have to round up a partner.
- I don't twist, Richard.
- And I'm not gonna I'm a champion twister.
Did you say Wednesday night? I think an office bet could up the ante on fun.
1000 bucks? Takers? I'm in.
I have Elaine.
- Excellent.
Nelle? - I don't twist.
- Ally? 1000 to you? - I'm in.
I knew a man, Bojangles And he'd dance for you In worn-out shoes Silver hair, a ragged shirt And baggy pants The old soft-shoe I think you know this.
- He jumped so high - Jumped so high Then he lightly touched down What? Mr.
Bojangles Sing with us, John.
Mr.
Bojangles Mr.
Bojangles Dance They love that trick.
I knew it was coming.
I meant to do it.
Recess! Recess! Lucky! Lucky! - Miss West? - Yeah, Benny? - When will we see Mr.
Bo again? - Would you like to see him again? Yeah, we all would.
And you promised.
Well, I will work on it, okay? Go play.
- Who's Mr.
Bo? - It's Mr.
Bojangles.
He's a homeless man living on Treemont Street that I passed for years.
I took the kids to visit him once.
Almost got fired for that.
Mrs.
Stiles won't let me bring him to class.
Does he really dance? Um He can.
Would you like to meet him? - Well, I - I'd love it if you would.
Okay.
Then, yeah.
I'll meet him.
Mark's waiting with the client in your office.
This is silly.
Nobody hires new lawyers on the day of trial.
Anything can happen around here.
We don't live in a real world.
Does chauvinism live in reality? Firing a receptionist for being fat? Is that what the real world has come to? - Ally.
This is Geri Hill.
- Hello.
You're the client? I'm very grateful for your stepping in last minute.
My other lawyers were just not up to it.
You as I understand the file discharged the plaintiff because she was fat? - Not fat.
Just overweight.
- Ah.
And being overweight? - She can't really do the job.
- Because? - She's not attractive enough.
Look, I don't think that I am the right lawyer to argue this.
I'm afraid I need you.
I'm out of both lawyers and continuances.
Richard said you're a good attorney with an excellent grasp of the superficial.
Did he? I don't think I can see my way into taking up your cause.
I don't believe people should be judged on a first impression.
You're certainly judging me.
Do it.
I want you to, and I assigned it to you.
You want me to argue it's okay to evaluate somebody based on looks? What else is there? Why don't you go pluck an eyebrow, or at least pencil one in? When you were attractive, you didn't mind being judged on beauty alone.
Amazing how principle pops up with wrinkles.
I've never challenged a girl to a fight before A black eye could be an improvement - Let's go.
Hey, hey, hey, wait.
You're grownups.
If you have a score to settle, do it on the dance floor.
Practice? I lost the Tina Turner contest to Ally, of all people.
I need to win.
Elaine.
It's just a charity thing.
Then think of me as the charity case, because I need to win.
There he is up ahead.
That's him with the broom.
He likes to sweep.
Mr.
Bo? Mel, sweetheart.
Sweetheart.
You don't smell good.
Last shower? Christmas.
- Who's that? - This is my friend John.
John, this is Mr.
Bo.
Very nice to meet you.
- John is a very special friend of mine.
- Oh.
I guess that gives us something in common.
Special friends of Melanie's.
Something stuck in your nose? Mr.
Bo.
I wanted the two of you to meet.
And the class wants to come by for another visit.
- Will the old battle-ax let them? - I'll try to sneak them over.
You look like an angel today.
- He always says that.
- You do look like one.
- I said it first! - Mr.
Bo, your manners.
Be nice.
He'd call you an angel, then take credit for it.
You think you're the first person to call somebody an angel? All right.
Okay? I'm gonna go back to class.
We just came by to say hello.
Until next time Love you.
Love you.
No, no, no.
- Nice meeting you.
- You said that already.
- He didn't like me.
- It takes him a while to warm up.
- Is he jealous? - He could be, but he'll get over it.
- She lives in an elevator? - I am enraptured.
It's this tiny little room.
Tiny little fixtures.
Itty-bitty little bed.
Itty-bitty little chair.
Why does Mark have to be in court? He's in trial.
That's where they do that sort of thing.
It's Ally's trial.
You put Mark on it so he won't be able to practice for the twisting contest.
Are you really that dopey or do you just say silly things to go with your outfits? Hey! Mr.
Bo? What are you doing? Did you see that homeless man? Gee, no.
And my eyes are always peeled for them.
Melanie, did you see him? - Who? - Mr.
Bo.
Mr.
Bojangles.
- He was just here.
- He was? Why? I don't know.
Soon as he saw me, he hopped on the elevator.
- Is this man sane? - Yes, he's sane.
Are you sure? - I think he's after me.
- Don't be silly.
Why was he here? First she came up and asked if I were retaining water.
- What did you say? - I said I didn't know.
My water-retention scale was on the blink.
Then she's less subtle.
She said I needed to drop at least five or I'd be let go.
Five pounds? She could have meant kilos.
I didn't pin her down.
Anything else? I got my hair cut, and she said, "No, that doesn't work at all.
" Finally she called me in her office said things weren't working out and fired me.
- Did she articulate her reason? - I wasn't pretty enough.
You needed to drop five or you would be let go.
- Did she actually say that? - Right to my puffy face.
So you were given a warning? When's the last time somebody told you to diet? I don't think that we need to get that personal.
I hate when thin people think they know what we go through.
- I didn't - Because their butt's a tad big they think they know what it's like to have a weight problem.
I didn't Not My butt is not a tad big.
If it were, should you be fired for it? - That's not the point.
- What is the point? - I have contour.
- Ms.
McBeal Let me see your ass.
- Your Honor? - Ms.
McBeal? Seems I'm placing too much importance on the way I look.
Have you ever known people to do that? All the time.
And have you ever known people who attach too much significance on the way other people look? - Of course.
- Happens all the time, doesn't it? Yes, it does.
Is it possible somebody could come to my client's office take a look at the receptionist and form a quick conclusion not only about her, but about the company itself? - Dancing lessons? - Sam Adams is a great instructor.
- You dance with a dead president? - Sam Adams is a beer.
This Sam Adams will teach you the twist.
- I am not entering that contest.
Whoo! Is that squealing thing always gonna be here now? He's completely harmless.
So are post office employees, right up until they eat fast food.
He gave me a menacing look on the street.
He came to my office.
He's obsessed with you.
I don't think he wants you having another special friend.
- He'd never hurt anybody.
- I have a nose for trouble.
I'm sure it whistles with alarm.
But John, I know this - Oh, I'm sorry.
- You disparaged my nose.
Just let me talk to Mr.
Bo, okay? I'll handle everything.
"The" Chubby Checker? No.
No.
One of the other ones.
Of course, "the" Chubby.
I'm in.
Okay.
Good.
Good, now you've got to help me.
I'm in a no-win trial situation.
And you have to give me an idea.
Why wouldn't you win? Were you not listening when I told you? She fired her for being unattractive.
You see nothing wrong with that? Clearly, I must.
It's okay that people get fired and hired based on whether they're attractive? Ally, you work at Cage and Fish.
And? It's extremely well-known.
Richard Fish only hires babes.
I beg your pardon? You didn't know? It's practically in your firm's resume.
- Ever seen your firm's resume? - Richard does not hire based on You.
Ling.
Nelle.
Georgia.
- It's quite the kennel.
- Where did you hear this? Guys want to work there due to it, so do a lot of women.
It's like being a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.
- You had him arrested? - The man is stalking me.
- He was here.
- I said I'd speak to him.
- It went a little beyond talking.
- John! - I was in danger.
- How could you do that? - Pkip, pkip, whoo! - Pkip, pkip, whoo! Do you have any idea how traumatized he'll be? How traumatized do you think I was going in for my evening poopy and finding him in my stall?! I was pursued! I felt like - What's going on? - They're fighting.
Not good.
Think he needs help? I don't know.
When Ling said she's a champion twister has she actually won a competition? Yikes.
It sounds ugly.
I've made love to Ling.
If she can twist half as well as she can contort, you have no chance.
I don't even have Tourette's! I just pretended to get a little action! Where's the concern for my welfare, I ask you.
Didn't wait for my answer.
It isn't just about a first impression, which is important.
The reception area's also the waiting room.
- How's that relevant? - Waiting's not fun.
It helps mitigate impatience when they sit with a pretty girl in the room.
In fact, this may sound chauvinistic, but it's nevertheless true: With beautiful women there, men are happy.
What about the women waiting? They enjoy it too.
Again, this may sound gender-biased.
Most women, especially my clients, are extremely fashion-conscious.
- Look at you.
- Please just answer the questions.
Women love to look at clothes.
It helps for my receptionists to look like models.
The clothes on them look better.
Ms.
Pipp's 10 pounds shy of a muumuu.
You feel no compunction about firing someone because they're not good-looking enough.
If I've learned anything in public relations, it's that packaging counts.
So it's okay to discriminate on the basis of packaging.
She didn't protest when I hired her on looks.
What about your publicists? GERl: That's different.
Them I hire on talent, skill.
I'd imagine a beautiful publicist would make for a better presentation.
You imagined correctly.
- Skills equal, you'd hire the prettier? - In an eye blink.
Basically no matter what the position, looks count, Ms.
Hill? I suppose I'm the first person to think that.
No, you're not, Ms.
Hill.
There's plenty more where you came from.
I told you, no.
Just one lesson.
Then you'll want to do it.
I do not like my eggs with Spam.
I do not twist with Sam-I-Am.
Funny.
He's here.
Well, then, send him away.
I just don't Sam, Nelle.
Nelle, Sam.
You're Sam Adams? Hello.
Hi.
Your hands are very cold.
But getting hotter.
It'd be my pleasure to be your partner.
Maybe one lesson.
Three-two-six-six-two.
Commonwealth versus John Doe, alias Mr.
Bo.
Assault, stalking with intent.
I'm Marsha Paine for the defendant.
We waive reading.
He was arrested under the anti-stalking statute? Yes, Your Honor.
Your Honor? I'd like to drop those charges.
This was all a mistake.
- Are you the victim? - No, but I know the victim - He thought he was being stalked - You have no standing here unless you yourself Your Honor, attorney John Cage.
I'm the victim.
And there evidently was a mistake, and I'm prepared to drop the charges.
You thought this man was stalking you.
Now you feel you were in error? That is correct, Your Honor.
It seems I overreacted and if called upon to testify, that's what I'll be saying.
The charges are dismissed.
Mr.
Cage, you will pay court costs.
The defendant is free to go.
What's the big deal? Don't answer my question with a question.
Mine, or - I want to see the firm resume.
- It's for clients.
I want to see it right now.
- "Our lawyers have legs to stand on.
" - Fish-ism.
One more time: Did you hire me based on my looks? - Did we know each other in law school? - Not really.
Did I interview you for the job or ask for a reference? No.
All I had to go on was looks.
Why bite the hand that wants to touch you? It had nothing to do with my ability.
I'm still looking for that.
Kidding.
You, Ling, Nelle, you're smart.
You wouldn't be here if you weren't.
People hate us.
Clients think lawyers are out to screw them.
It's easier being screwed by a beautiful woman.
- I don't believe it.
- You trade on your looks every day.
You wake up each morning, pull out the lip gloss, the rouge.
What for, to brush up your intellect? Isn't this salsa? If you can salsa, the twist will be easy.
You're actually very good.
- Am I? - Yeah.
Excuse me.
Could you give me a minute? Sure.
Wait a minute, Elaine.
This is my office.
That's right.
Secretaries don't get offices.
Secretaries get stations.
I should know my station in life by now, shouldn't I? Okay.
What's the matter? Nelle has an instructor.
Ling's a champion.
Nelle has this Latin pelvic machine.
The twisting contest? Elaine, this is for charity.
I don't care.
You people win at everything.
I'm sick of you people.
Never mind.
"You people"? Okay, and who would that be? I don't have a law degree.
I didn't even go to college.
There's not much out there for me to Oh, forget it.
You want to win a dance contest because you didn't go to college? I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Let me tell you something.
I may have a law degree, but I was hired for being a babe.
Oh, right.
Yeah, you.
You're a babe.
Come on, you're hardly I'm sure that's not true.
It is.
I may have an education, but I got my job as Richard's trophy.
So don't think you have the priority on the esteem blues.
You know, whatever Richard might think, Ally, you know better.
You are smarter.
You do have the education.
You can walk down the street feeling Me, I dance better.
Or maybe not.
You really think that by winning this twist contest you'll feel I'd feel better than if I'd lost it.
Whoo! Hello.
Well, hi, John.
How's Mr.
Bo? He's fine.
We're really grateful that you recanted.
- He really did frighten me.
- I told you I'd speak to him.
You could've told me you called the police.
That was stupid.
Well Please don't call me stupid.
Just because he's homeless, he's not an animal.
I understand that.
I guess I don't understand Can you tell me why he's so important to you? He's my father.
Why didn't you tell me? Because I I don't know.
I guess I was embarrassed having a homeless father.
I didn't think you let yourself be ashamed about anything.
I'm not ashamed.
I'm embarrassed.
I have nothing to be ashamed of, except maybe being embarrassed.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
I am ashamed.
I'm ashamed of being embarrassed about my own father.
Well, can we help him? It's not about that for him.
This is the society he chooses to live in.
I put him into shelters.
He has places to stay when it's cold, but Yes, but what about mental help? If he's choosing to be homeless The pressures of ordinary life were beginning to break him down mentally.
And since he's been on the streets he's more peaceful than I've ever seen him.
He's a kind man, John.
I wanted you to meet him because he's a wonderful person.
He's just a little different.
Well, the last woman I dated, her father thought he was Santa Claus.
Can I talk to him, let him know I know? - He'll want to wrestle you.
- I beg your pardon? That's probably why he came by the office.
To wrestle me? Oh, God.
Let him be.
I'll get him to leave you alone.
Yeah.
My wife is a real estate broker.
She sells million-dollar homes.
Before showing, she gets there early and puts floral arrangements around the house a bowl of fruit on the dining room table.
I ask her, "People are about to plop down millions of dollars on a house.
Do flowers and a bowl of fruit really mean anything?" And she says, "You'd be surprised.
" Packaging is everything today.
Movies get made today not on content, but on the basis of marketability.
"Will it open?" Television is the same thing.
If the audience can't grasp the concept quickly, it's gone.
Cars, fashion, you name it.
What sells is cosmetic.
That's the world we live in.
Okay, I get it.
But when it comes to people, to human beings are we really prepared to say that's okay? To judge a person by physical appearance instead of talent, instead of character? Are we to really accept that? She is a human being.
A person, for God's sake.
Not a countertop.
She put in nine years.
She served her company faithfully.
Her skills were never questioned and she was fired because her face started to look puffy.
Is that what we've come to? It's your decision.
Unfortunately, it's not your decision.
You don't get to decide the world we live in.
We'd all like one where people don't judge each other on looks, and maybe one day we will.
But for now, you have to consider my client's actions in the context of the world we live in today.
You know, everything that Mr.
Stone said is true.
We exalt the first impression.
We might profess, "You can't judge a book by its cover.
" But, in fact, and any good publisher will tell you this that the key to a best-seller is, in fact, the cover.
People walk into bookstores and buy based on the jacket.
We choose our president on who looks the best.
I just found out that I got my job based on my appearance.
My pretty face.
My slender legs.
The perfect contour of my buttocks.
Does that make me proud? No.
But it is the reality.
And here's another one: Geri Hill is in the business of selling first impressions.
She runs a public relations firm.
How can a client trust her if the first impression she makes isn't good? The receptionist is there to greet.
The receptionist is the first impression.
She is part of the package that wraps up what Geri Hill has to sell.
And Mr.
Stone has admitted to you what the real world is.
He's arguing that Geri Hill shouldn't get to live in it.
I ought to thank you for the room and board.
I didn't know you were just being an over-protective father.
People don't always treat her right.
I need to check up.
You were smart to hang out in the bathroom.
Were you looking for a stool sample? Do you love her? I think I might.
Yes.
Then I must wrestle you.
Mr.
Bo, I'm a grown man.
And what I'd like to do, instead of wrestling you I think maybe I'd like to get you some help.
- You're chicken.
- I'm not.
I just Why don't you just admit it? You little squirt.
Has the jury reached a verdict? - We have, Your Honor.
What say you? In the matter of Pipp versus Hill, we find in favor of the defendant.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this ends your service.
Adjourned.
Well.
Congratulations.
Your closing was so effective, one might think you believed it.
I suppose one might.
Good luck with your business.
- I didn't invent the way things work.
- But you perpetuate it.
And you're sure you don't? We're having a twisting contest.
Maybe you'd like Maybe not.
Foolish girl till the early bright Make the scene with the record machine At the dancin ' party tonight - Unbelievable.
He's really not dead.
- Are you sure? I'm a little nervous.
You're ready.
You know the secret to dance? Any dance? What? Sex.
You need to make love to the song.
Everything else follows.
Okay.
I hope you're channeling some rhythm my way.
Twist and shout Till we knock ourselves out At the dancin ' party tonight Mr.
Bo? All right.
You're a little wiry, but you can date her.
That's how you judge somebody, by how well he wrestles? There are worse ways to measure a man.
Mr.
Bo, I am going to say something to you my father once said to me.
You are a total kook-ball.
Is kook-ball even a real word? If it was good enough for my father, it's good enough for you.
You got supper plans? I got a piece of salmon for the hibachi.
Homeless people eat salmon now? Come on, baby Let's do the twist Come on, baby Let's do the twist Come on and twist Yeah, baby, twist Yeah, just like this This isn't fair.
She gets Chubby.
What do I get? You'll get your chubby later.
I want that one.
The good news is Ling's not winning.
- Bad news is - Neither are we.
You could stay at my place one night, Mr.
Bo.
- Plenty of room.
- I'll stay in my own home, thank you.
- Maybe we should get something to eat.
- No, the toad and I already ate.
- Could you not call him "the toad"? - But it so fits.
- Such a kook-ball! - At least "toad" is a real word.
No kook-ball.
No toad.
You got it? - Okay.
- Thanks.
- Hey! Hey! - What? - One more.
- One more what? No more Mr.
Bo.
Not from you.
I know.
I know, in front of others, you But when we're alone, could it be "Dad"? I was never ashamed of you.
I just Didn't want people to know.
- Oh, Daddy.
- I know, honey.
No, you don't know.
Be quiet.
Why should you even presume to know? - I dance better - You cheat at wrestling.
Twisting, you looked constipated.
All right! She brings her class to see you.
She brought me to meet you, to my dismay.
Does that sound like she's ashamed? All the people in her life she wants you to know, and them to know you.
- Lf that's not love - God didn't make little green apples.
- Okay, let's just - All right, all right.
- Lf Fats Domino plays at that bar - We'll get you.
He would pin you in a second.
- Don't be a stranger.
- I won't be.
I love you, Dad.
I love you.
- Hey! - What? He's okay.
Yeah, he is.
Night.
I wish I could do more to help him.
He's living the life he wants to, Melanie.
I think he's happy.
Yeah.
He may very well be.
I'm just gonna go get my coat.
- Elaine, hey.
Where's Mark? - Getting the car.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- How does it feel? - Well, you know.
Like Tin Man when he got his heart? This is something, Ally.
It is something.
No, I know.
Congratulations, again.
So, I'm just gonna be a second.
- It's really shiny.
- Yes, it is.
Could I enjoy it for one night before you two strip it of luster? You should enjoy it forever.
But it's where you display it.
That's the key.
Put it on the mantle, it says to the world this is who you are.
You're way more than this.
Stick it in a drawer, it says this is something you've done, accomplished.
An inner drawer, it doesn't tarnish so easily.
Keep it, it's yours, you won it.
Just don't hold yourself up to it.
- Ready? - All set, let's go.
Coming? In a minute, you guys go ahead.
You stinker!