Buffy the Vampire Slayer s04e11 Episode Script
Doomed
Let's try again.
Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": I can'tbite anything.
I can't even hitpeople.
- How's with you and Riley? - Every time we talk, I have to lie.
I wish I could just come clean.
- Well, you can't.
- Yeah, I know I can't.
But Buffy's special.
- I guess we have to talk.
- I guess we do.
Somebody should speak before one of us graduates.
What are you? Capricorn on the cusp ofAquarius.
You? Sorry.
That came out a little blunter than I intended.
It's just you're amazing.
Your speed, your strength.
Also passionate, artistic and inquisitive.
- Who are you? - You know who I am.
The rest What I do I can't tell you.
Well, then, let me.
You're part of some military monster squad that captures demons, vampires Probably has official-sounding euphemisms for them, like "unfriendlies" or "non-sapiens".
Hostile subterrestrials.
So, you deliver these HSTs to a bunch of lab coats, who perform experiments on them, which, among other things, turn some into harmless little bunnies.
- How am I doin' so far? - A little too well.
Meanwhile, by day, you pretend to be Riley Finn, cornfed lowa boy.
Ever been to lowa, Riley? God, ifthat's even your name.
It is.
Born and raised.
And hey, bulletin: I'm not the only one who's been a little less than honest here.
I thought a professional demon-chaser like yourselfwould have figured it out by now.
I'm the Slayer.
Slayer.
Chosen One.
She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries? You're kidding.
Ask around.
Look it up.
Slayer, comma, the.
And you fight demons? I mean, you whaled on those guys.
- You did pretty well yourself.
- Yeah, but I'm a walking bruise today.
You see me with my clothes off, I look like I mean, I have bruises I don't see a scratch on you.
- You're not looking hard enough.
- I'm looking pretty hard.
So then - What do we do? - I don't know.
I just I really thought that you were a nice, normal guy.
I am.
Maybe by this town's standards, but I'm not grading on a curve.
I think we both need a little time to process everything.
- Maybe then - Yeah.
Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
- I don't think I need to tell you - I won't say a word.
Good.
It'll be safer for all Over here.
Wow.
That was some ride! Sorry I'm so excited.
It's my first earthquake.
It's not mine.
My soddin' sleeping chair's bloody sodden.
The quake knocked a couple of pipes loose.
There's a wrench over by the workbench.
- Try tightening the coupling.
- Do I look like a plumber to you? No, you look like a big mooch who doesn't lift a finger here, but I have to get to work.
Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread, doing your part to keep America constipated.
Mock not.
Remember who pays for the plasma round here, pal.
You earn your keep, or you don't get kept.
When you're done fixing that leak, try cleaning up this mess.
And doing a little laundry for once wouldn't kill you, unfortunately.
Hey! I was in the library during the quake.
Almost got buried in some 19th-century literature.
And I don't have to tell you how hard it is to dig through some ofthat stuff.
- You OK? - Yeah.
A couple of broken knick-knacks, but no biggies.
Porter Dorm is completely blacked out.
So they're dealing with the crisis the only way they know how: Aftershock Party.
The dorm that had the Somebody Sneezed Party and the Day That Ends ln Y Party.
They do seem to be pretty generous with the milestones.
Hey, you should ask Riley to come.
Much carousing by flattering candlelight.
Riley's, um, busy.
I'm pretty sure.
But you go on ahead and I'll catch up with you there.
I'm on my way for a little Giles one-on-one.
- Anything wrong? - Wrong? No.
Not at all.
- Something horrible's gonna happen.
- It was an earthquake.
Not uncommon in southern California.
No reason to think it was anything more.
I so have a reason.
A darn good reason.
The last time we had an earthquake, I died.
Yes, I know that, and therefore I completely understand your anxiety.
Oh, good.
Cos I'd hate for my little untimely horrible death concern to be ambiguous.
But unless evidence suggests otherwise, we can assume that it's shifting landmasses and not a portent of some imminent doom.
Now, in the meantime, I've got a few theories about our mysterious commando friends.
- Really? - Based on the locations of our sightings, and Spike's reluctant description oftheir underground installation What ifthe quake was a sign - a bad omen - and we ignore it? There'll be a lot of red faces when the world ends.
Buffy, ifthe quake heralded some such catastrophe, I'm sure there will be other signs to follow which will afford us plenty oftime to avert it.
I believe the commando installation is either very close to or directly under your school.
Ifthat is the case, one or more ofthem may be in your very midst.
- Plague! - What? Ifthe end ofthe world comes in the form of a plague, too many people may be infected Buffy! Will you stop worrying about what may be and concentrate on what is.
Vigilance is all well and good, but as we're close, there is a more pressing question.
- What's a slayer? - Slayer? Thrash band.
Anvil-heavy guitar rock with delusions of Black Sabbath.
- No.
A girl, with powers.
- Oh.
The Slayer.
- Oh, yeah, I've heard ofthe Slayer.
- Fill me in.
Well, the Slayer is like some kind of bogeyman for the subterrestrials, something they tell their spawn to make 'em eat their vegetables.
- You're telling me she doesn't exist.
- Wait a sec.
Am I bursting somebody's bubble here? Maybe this is a bad time to tell you about the Easter Bunny? Sorry, sorry.
It's a myth, Rye.
All a part ofthat medieval folklore garbage kooks dream up to explain things we deal with every day.
How do you explain the things we deal with, Forrest? They're just animals.
Rarer than the ones you grew up with on that farm in Smallville Where's that hypo? Never mind.
Like I said, animals.
What's that racket? Animals rattling in their cages.
Been doin' it all day.
- What's got 'em all worked up? - Earthquakes.
They make everybody crazy.
( "Hey" by the Hellacopters) You sayyou wanna help me out Butyoujustfillmyhead with doubt Hey, lgotmy own reality anditsure ain't virtual It's myhighway, I choose My lane andl control the cruise Yeah, lgotfeelings butbetyourass they're notmutual Percy! Hi! Hey, Willow.
What's goin' on? Stuff.
I thought you got that football scholarship to USC.
- I did.
Laurie goes here.
- Hey.
Hi.
Some party, huh? It's OK.
- How's Oz? - Oh, actually, Oz Listen, we're gonna go get some drinks.
Cool to see you.
Bye.
Yeah, catch you later.
Hey, you guys serious about naked limbo? I'm in.
( "Mouth Almighty" byEchobelly) Buffy, where are you? So I can watch you flirt with that redhead? What, Rosenberg? She's just some egghead who tutored me a little in high school.
She's nice, but come on - captain ofthe nerd squad.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe you have a thing for geeks.
Uh, no.
I like my women hot.
Call me old-fashioned.
Hello? Anyone in here? Spike, the place looks worse than when I left! You didn't even fix the drip! Don't turn around.
- Spike, what is it? What happened? - Don't look at me.
I shrunk them.
Bleeding shirt, trousers I hate this place.
I'm no happier about you wearing my stuffthan you are.
Go out.
Get me some decent stuff.
And I want more blood.
No! You're not a guest.
You want me to tear this place apart, you poof? That's it! I am way past through with you.
I hate to break it to you, O impotent one, but you're not the Big Bad any more.
You're not even the Kind of Naughty.
You're nothing but a waste of space - my space! And as much as I got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum, and as much as I know lcan give you a bum-kicking, I'm here to tell you somethin'.
You're not even worth it.
I'm outta here.
Buffy! Over here.
Wow.
I wasn't sure where the party was, and then I saw the lights and the ambulance and I was, like, "Right, of course.
Death, carnage It's a Buffy party.
" I'm so glad you're here.
- What happened? - I found him, this guy, on the bed with me.
Dead.
Not me dead, he dead.
God, are you OK? Vampire? There was so much blood, and there was a symbol.
- And Percy said I was a nerd.
- Percy called you a nerd? I guess we should report to Giles, get with the demon-tracking.
Does Percy even go here? OK, that makes 0-4 billion.
You don't got game, son.
What's going on in that head ofyours? I'm just trying to make up my mind about something.
Buffy.
She's pretty cool, isn't she? Yes already! She's cool, she's hot, she's tepid, she's all-temperature Buffy.
Now can we concentrate on the game here? Good block.
Use your face more often.
- We have an alpha code-blue situation.
- One of ours? - Negative.
Civilian at the Porter Hall party.
- HST attack? Cannot confirm.
I couldn't get close without drawing attention to myself.
Should we mobilise? No, I'll go.
Do a little recon.
See if it falls in our domain.
You alert Professor Walsh.
Tell her we have a casualty of an indeterminate nature.
Let's not make a move until we get the whole story.
Itjust made me feel like I was right back in high school.
Dumb jock.
If it wasn't for you, he still would be.
I mean, I know the Percy thing isn't really important.
- It's the dead guy on the bed.
- Yeah, that's bad, too.
Ooh, and something else.
He - the dead guy - was propped up, Iike whatever killed him wanted to drain the blood out of him.
So I'm thinking the "whatever" took a bunch ofthe guy's blood with him.
And I haven't been a nerd for a very long time.
Hello! Dating a guitarist! - Or I was.
- Tell them about the symbol.
Right.
It was carved into his chest, like a big creepy eye.
It's kind ofthe CBS logo.
Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr Morley Safer? I've seen this somewhere before.
I just can't remember where.
- I mean, it's like - It's the end ofthe world.
Again? It's the earthquake.
That symbol is I told you.
I said "end ofthe world" and you're like "Pooh, pooh, southern California.
" I'm so very sorry.
My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
No, it can't be.
We've done this already.
It's the end ofthe world.
Everyone dies.
It's rather important, really.
So what do we do? I stop it.
I wonder where I've seen this before.
Where else? The place I spend most of my waking hours memorising stuff offthe sides of mausoleums.
Big freaky cereal boxes of death.
Door was open.
Wow! That flippy thing that you did - Where did it go? - It's gone.
- I saw it take offtoward the woods.
- And you didn't follow it? No weapons, no backup.
You don't go after a demon that size by yourself.
- I do.
- Yeah, well, I'm no slayer.
- Base One, this is Lilac One.
- Lilac? Go.
Sighting of an unidentified Sub-T.
Mobilise patrol team for debriefing at 0800 hours.
Copy that.
Very commandery.
Lilac notwithstanding.
What are you doing here? Looking for you.
She who hangs out in cemeteries.
Well, I have to get the demon.
Don't sweat it.
We'll bag it.
- It's not that simple.
- Yeah, but - Look, I really think - Riley, I just - I can't.
- Can't talk? Can't any of it.
I can't be with you.
It's a huge, black pit of a mistake and I can't go there again.
Again? You've dated me before? No! Look, I was involved - You don't know what my life is like.
- I'm dying to find out.
Dying being the operative word here.
There's too much risk.
There is too much It's just doomed.
And I can't do doomed again right now.
I'm sorry.
I don't understand where this is coming from.
You like me.
It's not like we don't have anything in common.
- But that's not enough.
- Buffy, I'm thrown by this.
I'm confused.
But I can feel my skin humming.
My hands, my every inch of me.
I've never been this excited about anybody before.
I'm not trying to scare you and I'm not gonna force myself on you, but I am, by God, not gonna walk away because I think it might not work.
I don't know what's happened in your past Pain, death, apocalypse.
None of it fun.
Do you know what a hellmouth is? Do you have a fancy term for it? Because I went to high school on it for three years.
We do not have that much in common.
This is ajob to you.
- It's notjust ajob.
- It's an adventure, great.
But for me, it's destiny.
It is something I can't change, something I can't escape.
I'm stuck.
You don't have to be.
You're not in high school any more.
- You can change things.
- Riley, no.
- I know it may seem - Riley! My answer is no.
- A Vahrall demon.
- Ew! - I second that revulsion.
- Yes.
"Slick like ghoul and gird in moonlight, father of portents and brother to blight.
" "Limbs with talons, eyes like knives, bane to the blameless, thief of lives.
" Three metres tall, approximately 100-120 kilograms, based on my visual analysis.
- Special hazards? - Unknown.
Probably nothing we haven't handled before.
There's no pattern we can discern, so we assume it's on a "kill, crush, destroy.
" It isn't digging up the bones of a child for fun.
A demon's got some pretty hilarious ideas about fun.
The bones of a child, though.
I saw that An ancient ritual.
It uses the blood of a man, the bones of a child, and something called the Word ofValios.
It's all part of a sacrifice.
The sacrifice ofthree.
Let me guess - ends the world? Well, yeah.
It's not big with the details, though.
It doesn't say how the world ends or what the ritual entails exactly.
The sacrifice ofthree.
Three people are gonna die? No, they won't.
Because Claw Boy is not getting all of his ingredients.
We have to find the Word ofValios, keep him from getting it.
If he doesn't already have it.
I mean, who knows where he's been? Here's one for the good guys.
This thing's got a pheromone signature a mile wide.
Agent Gates has been working with the detection system.
Can't tell where it's going, but I know where it's been.
Residual traces showing up in populated areas.
The thing's not shy.
We're going out in civvies.
Weapons stowed in packs.
Keep 'em out of sight till nightfall.
Remember, this isn't a capture, it's a kill.
Pick up assignments from me.
We'll blanket the town.
I'll check the magic shop for a book called the Word ofValios.
- How about the museum? - We'll stop by my house, get weapons, and I'll change into something that isn't quite as anchovy-scented.
This thing takes wicked very seriously.
Be careful.
I couldn't stand anybody getting hurt.
Goodbye, Dru.
See you in hell.
What are you doing? Bloody rot! Can't a person knock? - What are you doing? - You were trying to stake yourself.
Fag off! It's no concern ofyours.
Is too.
For one thing, that's my shirt you're about to dust.
For another, we've shared a lot.
You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
- Xander.
- What? He wants to die, I wanna help.
It's ooky.
We know him.
We can'tjust let him poof himself.
Oh, but you can.
You know I'd drain you drier than the Sahara if I had halfthe chance.
Besides, I'm beyond pathetic.
Stuck in this basement washing skivvies for a blighter I wouldn't have bothered to bite a few months ago.
I mean, am I even remotely scary any more? Tell me the truth.
Well, the shirt is kinda not very threatening, and the short pants But it could also be cos I know you can't bite, which isn't what you really need to hear - Stop.
Look, just clear out, OK? - Fine.
But you break anything else - and you'll be sleeping in the garage.
- We can't leave him here like this.
- We'll have to take him to the museum.
- You go on.
I won't do anything.
I feel better now.
Promise.
Ifwe don't find what we're looking for, we're facing an apocalypse.
Really? You're notjust saying that? Buffy.
- Is this really the time for Donkey Kong? - What? It takes trace readings ofthe creature's pheromones.
And? And it's either mating season for this thing or it's movin' all over town.
- You know, Buffy - Actually, I need to go.
- Big Bad needs to be squished.
- Right.
I'm on it, too.
It's just, this thing, this you-and-me thing, it's stupid.
I know.
Which is why we can't do it, the you-and-me thing.
No, I mean you're stupid.
I mean, I don't mean that.
- No, I think maybe I do.
- Wow.
With sweet talk like that, - you'll definitely melt my reservations.
- I'm serious.
You have this twisted way of looking at things.
This doom-and-gloom mentality.
You keep thinking like that and things will probably turn outjust the way you expect.
You know, there's nothing more dangerous than a psych grad student.
Buffy, where is the bad here? It turns out that we're even more well-matched than we thought we were.
I mean, you're a fry cook and so am l.
Yes, but you're an amateur fry cook, and I come from a long line offry cooks that don't live past 25.
Which is exactly the attitude I'm talking about.
Look, I know the risks ofwhat we do.
I also know it's more rewarding than any otherjob on the planet.
And fun! Fun? The last person I know that believed that is in a coma right now because she had so much fun on the job.
I'm not saying you shouldn't take your work seriously.
That I should just turn my frown upside down? ls that it? I wish I could.
But this isn't the kind of gig where you can just hang it up at night - and snuggle with your honey.
- Why can't it be? Because I tried it, OK? And every time itjust fell apart.
Then I get sucked right back into the Uber-evil.
Welcome to the story ofthe world.
Things fall apart, Buffy.
And evil, it comes and goes.
But the way people manage is, they don't do it alone.
They pull each other through.
Ifyou weren't so self-involved you'd see that.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
You barely know me.
I know that it's notjust the job thing.
I'm sure there's some good-looking guy who done you wrong in there, too.
But mostly I think you wanna stay down in the dark place, - cos maybe it's safer down there.
- You are so out of line.
No.
See, I don't think so.
We have an opportunity, you and me, but the fact that you're too scared to even try Is my business.
So why don't you just leave me alone? Fair enough.
- Great.
No Word ofValios.
- Not even a syllable ofValios.
So I'm one step closer to melting in a sea of molten hellfire? You shouldn't talk like that.
OK, so you can't kill any more, but there's other fun things you can do.
You'll adjust.
Adjust? And what? End up like the two ofyou? No, thank you.
Here it goes.
"We can'tjust leave him here to stake himself.
It's not right.
" I should think you would be glad to greet the end of days.
I mean, neither one ofyou is making much of a go at it.
You Kids your age are going offto university.
You've made it as far as the basement.
And Red here, you couldn't even keep Dog Boy happy.
You can take the loser out of high school, but You're trying to get us to dust you.
Am not! I just don't want pity from geeks more useless than I am.
We're not useless.
We help people.
We fight the forces of evil.
Buffy fights the forces of evil.
You're her groupies.
She'd do just as well without you, better I'd wager, since she wouldn't have to save your hides all the time.
That is so not true.
We're part ofthe team.
She needs us.
Or you're just the same tenth-grade losers you've always been and she's too much of a softy to cut you loose.
Oh - as usual - dear.
- What happened? - It's my fault.
I should have known.
Giles The Word ofValios is the name of a talisman, not a book.
- I blame myself entirely.
I had it here.
- You had it here? I thought you were being too hard on yourself, but Thank you.
I bought it at a sorcerer's estate sale.
I only glanced at it once.
I thought it was a knockoff.
They have it.
They probably have their sacrifices by now, too.
They're on their way to perform the sacrifice now.
On their way where? You found out what the ritual is for? The Hellmouth.
They're going to open the Hellmouth.
The one in the library.
Looks like we're going back to high school.
OK, be careful, you guys.
The place doesn't look too stable.
Fine by me.
Hope we all go under.
Why is he even here? It's not like he can fight.
Ifwe leave him alone, he'll stake himself.
And that's bad because? Fine.
Whatever.
Just keep him out ofthe way.
I do not have time for this.
When we get to the library, look out for victims they're keeping alive for the sacrifice.
- Getting them out is the first priority.
- Will do.
OK.
You guys ready? Let's rock and roll.
"Let's rock and roll.
" Sunnydale High.
Ifthese walls were still walls, what stories they could tell.
Eeuw! Mayor meat.
Extra crispy.
I think we're near the library.
Whoa.
Check out the new floor plan.
Three ofthem.
I don't see any sacrifice people.
They must be around here somewhere.
The ritual's not finished.
And it's not gonna be.
The blood! Get the talisman.
They can't do the ritual.
I've got the bones! Here! You're picking on the wrong guy.
I've had a lot of practice at this with my lunch money.
Spike! Right, perfect.
OK, I guess I won.
The demons! They are the sacrifice! No pain.
I can hurt a demon.
That's right.
I'm back, and I'm a bloody animal! Yeah! - No! - Spike, not in the hole! What? I was helping.
Get outta here! The building's gonna come down! Don't let him jump in the Hellmouth.
If he does, we're finished! I'm going in.
You're coming back out.
Buffy Well, hey! Willow.
And Xander, right? Jeez, what are the chances, huh? Yeah, I was just passing by and I thought I heard people inside.
You were just passing by in your GI Joe outfit? No offence, but you do look wicked conspicuous.
I do? Paintball.
Yeah, I was playing paintball.
And then the aftershock - So, you're one ofthe commando guys, huh? - Oh, no, no, no.
Commando? No, I mean - Do I know you? - Me? No.
No, sir.
I'm just an old pal of Xander's here.
Oh.
That's nice.
- It's kinda weird being back, isn't it? - Yeah.
Everything seems so small.
And more charred and ruiny.
Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": I can'tbite anything.
I can't even hitpeople.
- How's with you and Riley? - Every time we talk, I have to lie.
I wish I could just come clean.
- Well, you can't.
- Yeah, I know I can't.
But Buffy's special.
- I guess we have to talk.
- I guess we do.
Somebody should speak before one of us graduates.
What are you? Capricorn on the cusp ofAquarius.
You? Sorry.
That came out a little blunter than I intended.
It's just you're amazing.
Your speed, your strength.
Also passionate, artistic and inquisitive.
- Who are you? - You know who I am.
The rest What I do I can't tell you.
Well, then, let me.
You're part of some military monster squad that captures demons, vampires Probably has official-sounding euphemisms for them, like "unfriendlies" or "non-sapiens".
Hostile subterrestrials.
So, you deliver these HSTs to a bunch of lab coats, who perform experiments on them, which, among other things, turn some into harmless little bunnies.
- How am I doin' so far? - A little too well.
Meanwhile, by day, you pretend to be Riley Finn, cornfed lowa boy.
Ever been to lowa, Riley? God, ifthat's even your name.
It is.
Born and raised.
And hey, bulletin: I'm not the only one who's been a little less than honest here.
I thought a professional demon-chaser like yourselfwould have figured it out by now.
I'm the Slayer.
Slayer.
Chosen One.
She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries? You're kidding.
Ask around.
Look it up.
Slayer, comma, the.
And you fight demons? I mean, you whaled on those guys.
- You did pretty well yourself.
- Yeah, but I'm a walking bruise today.
You see me with my clothes off, I look like I mean, I have bruises I don't see a scratch on you.
- You're not looking hard enough.
- I'm looking pretty hard.
So then - What do we do? - I don't know.
I just I really thought that you were a nice, normal guy.
I am.
Maybe by this town's standards, but I'm not grading on a curve.
I think we both need a little time to process everything.
- Maybe then - Yeah.
Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
- I don't think I need to tell you - I won't say a word.
Good.
It'll be safer for all Over here.
Wow.
That was some ride! Sorry I'm so excited.
It's my first earthquake.
It's not mine.
My soddin' sleeping chair's bloody sodden.
The quake knocked a couple of pipes loose.
There's a wrench over by the workbench.
- Try tightening the coupling.
- Do I look like a plumber to you? No, you look like a big mooch who doesn't lift a finger here, but I have to get to work.
Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread, doing your part to keep America constipated.
Mock not.
Remember who pays for the plasma round here, pal.
You earn your keep, or you don't get kept.
When you're done fixing that leak, try cleaning up this mess.
And doing a little laundry for once wouldn't kill you, unfortunately.
Hey! I was in the library during the quake.
Almost got buried in some 19th-century literature.
And I don't have to tell you how hard it is to dig through some ofthat stuff.
- You OK? - Yeah.
A couple of broken knick-knacks, but no biggies.
Porter Dorm is completely blacked out.
So they're dealing with the crisis the only way they know how: Aftershock Party.
The dorm that had the Somebody Sneezed Party and the Day That Ends ln Y Party.
They do seem to be pretty generous with the milestones.
Hey, you should ask Riley to come.
Much carousing by flattering candlelight.
Riley's, um, busy.
I'm pretty sure.
But you go on ahead and I'll catch up with you there.
I'm on my way for a little Giles one-on-one.
- Anything wrong? - Wrong? No.
Not at all.
- Something horrible's gonna happen.
- It was an earthquake.
Not uncommon in southern California.
No reason to think it was anything more.
I so have a reason.
A darn good reason.
The last time we had an earthquake, I died.
Yes, I know that, and therefore I completely understand your anxiety.
Oh, good.
Cos I'd hate for my little untimely horrible death concern to be ambiguous.
But unless evidence suggests otherwise, we can assume that it's shifting landmasses and not a portent of some imminent doom.
Now, in the meantime, I've got a few theories about our mysterious commando friends.
- Really? - Based on the locations of our sightings, and Spike's reluctant description oftheir underground installation What ifthe quake was a sign - a bad omen - and we ignore it? There'll be a lot of red faces when the world ends.
Buffy, ifthe quake heralded some such catastrophe, I'm sure there will be other signs to follow which will afford us plenty oftime to avert it.
I believe the commando installation is either very close to or directly under your school.
Ifthat is the case, one or more ofthem may be in your very midst.
- Plague! - What? Ifthe end ofthe world comes in the form of a plague, too many people may be infected Buffy! Will you stop worrying about what may be and concentrate on what is.
Vigilance is all well and good, but as we're close, there is a more pressing question.
- What's a slayer? - Slayer? Thrash band.
Anvil-heavy guitar rock with delusions of Black Sabbath.
- No.
A girl, with powers.
- Oh.
The Slayer.
- Oh, yeah, I've heard ofthe Slayer.
- Fill me in.
Well, the Slayer is like some kind of bogeyman for the subterrestrials, something they tell their spawn to make 'em eat their vegetables.
- You're telling me she doesn't exist.
- Wait a sec.
Am I bursting somebody's bubble here? Maybe this is a bad time to tell you about the Easter Bunny? Sorry, sorry.
It's a myth, Rye.
All a part ofthat medieval folklore garbage kooks dream up to explain things we deal with every day.
How do you explain the things we deal with, Forrest? They're just animals.
Rarer than the ones you grew up with on that farm in Smallville Where's that hypo? Never mind.
Like I said, animals.
What's that racket? Animals rattling in their cages.
Been doin' it all day.
- What's got 'em all worked up? - Earthquakes.
They make everybody crazy.
( "Hey" by the Hellacopters) You sayyou wanna help me out Butyoujustfillmyhead with doubt Hey, lgotmy own reality anditsure ain't virtual It's myhighway, I choose My lane andl control the cruise Yeah, lgotfeelings butbetyourass they're notmutual Percy! Hi! Hey, Willow.
What's goin' on? Stuff.
I thought you got that football scholarship to USC.
- I did.
Laurie goes here.
- Hey.
Hi.
Some party, huh? It's OK.
- How's Oz? - Oh, actually, Oz Listen, we're gonna go get some drinks.
Cool to see you.
Bye.
Yeah, catch you later.
Hey, you guys serious about naked limbo? I'm in.
( "Mouth Almighty" byEchobelly) Buffy, where are you? So I can watch you flirt with that redhead? What, Rosenberg? She's just some egghead who tutored me a little in high school.
She's nice, but come on - captain ofthe nerd squad.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe you have a thing for geeks.
Uh, no.
I like my women hot.
Call me old-fashioned.
Hello? Anyone in here? Spike, the place looks worse than when I left! You didn't even fix the drip! Don't turn around.
- Spike, what is it? What happened? - Don't look at me.
I shrunk them.
Bleeding shirt, trousers I hate this place.
I'm no happier about you wearing my stuffthan you are.
Go out.
Get me some decent stuff.
And I want more blood.
No! You're not a guest.
You want me to tear this place apart, you poof? That's it! I am way past through with you.
I hate to break it to you, O impotent one, but you're not the Big Bad any more.
You're not even the Kind of Naughty.
You're nothing but a waste of space - my space! And as much as I got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum, and as much as I know lcan give you a bum-kicking, I'm here to tell you somethin'.
You're not even worth it.
I'm outta here.
Buffy! Over here.
Wow.
I wasn't sure where the party was, and then I saw the lights and the ambulance and I was, like, "Right, of course.
Death, carnage It's a Buffy party.
" I'm so glad you're here.
- What happened? - I found him, this guy, on the bed with me.
Dead.
Not me dead, he dead.
God, are you OK? Vampire? There was so much blood, and there was a symbol.
- And Percy said I was a nerd.
- Percy called you a nerd? I guess we should report to Giles, get with the demon-tracking.
Does Percy even go here? OK, that makes 0-4 billion.
You don't got game, son.
What's going on in that head ofyours? I'm just trying to make up my mind about something.
Buffy.
She's pretty cool, isn't she? Yes already! She's cool, she's hot, she's tepid, she's all-temperature Buffy.
Now can we concentrate on the game here? Good block.
Use your face more often.
- We have an alpha code-blue situation.
- One of ours? - Negative.
Civilian at the Porter Hall party.
- HST attack? Cannot confirm.
I couldn't get close without drawing attention to myself.
Should we mobilise? No, I'll go.
Do a little recon.
See if it falls in our domain.
You alert Professor Walsh.
Tell her we have a casualty of an indeterminate nature.
Let's not make a move until we get the whole story.
Itjust made me feel like I was right back in high school.
Dumb jock.
If it wasn't for you, he still would be.
I mean, I know the Percy thing isn't really important.
- It's the dead guy on the bed.
- Yeah, that's bad, too.
Ooh, and something else.
He - the dead guy - was propped up, Iike whatever killed him wanted to drain the blood out of him.
So I'm thinking the "whatever" took a bunch ofthe guy's blood with him.
And I haven't been a nerd for a very long time.
Hello! Dating a guitarist! - Or I was.
- Tell them about the symbol.
Right.
It was carved into his chest, like a big creepy eye.
It's kind ofthe CBS logo.
Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr Morley Safer? I've seen this somewhere before.
I just can't remember where.
- I mean, it's like - It's the end ofthe world.
Again? It's the earthquake.
That symbol is I told you.
I said "end ofthe world" and you're like "Pooh, pooh, southern California.
" I'm so very sorry.
My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
No, it can't be.
We've done this already.
It's the end ofthe world.
Everyone dies.
It's rather important, really.
So what do we do? I stop it.
I wonder where I've seen this before.
Where else? The place I spend most of my waking hours memorising stuff offthe sides of mausoleums.
Big freaky cereal boxes of death.
Door was open.
Wow! That flippy thing that you did - Where did it go? - It's gone.
- I saw it take offtoward the woods.
- And you didn't follow it? No weapons, no backup.
You don't go after a demon that size by yourself.
- I do.
- Yeah, well, I'm no slayer.
- Base One, this is Lilac One.
- Lilac? Go.
Sighting of an unidentified Sub-T.
Mobilise patrol team for debriefing at 0800 hours.
Copy that.
Very commandery.
Lilac notwithstanding.
What are you doing here? Looking for you.
She who hangs out in cemeteries.
Well, I have to get the demon.
Don't sweat it.
We'll bag it.
- It's not that simple.
- Yeah, but - Look, I really think - Riley, I just - I can't.
- Can't talk? Can't any of it.
I can't be with you.
It's a huge, black pit of a mistake and I can't go there again.
Again? You've dated me before? No! Look, I was involved - You don't know what my life is like.
- I'm dying to find out.
Dying being the operative word here.
There's too much risk.
There is too much It's just doomed.
And I can't do doomed again right now.
I'm sorry.
I don't understand where this is coming from.
You like me.
It's not like we don't have anything in common.
- But that's not enough.
- Buffy, I'm thrown by this.
I'm confused.
But I can feel my skin humming.
My hands, my every inch of me.
I've never been this excited about anybody before.
I'm not trying to scare you and I'm not gonna force myself on you, but I am, by God, not gonna walk away because I think it might not work.
I don't know what's happened in your past Pain, death, apocalypse.
None of it fun.
Do you know what a hellmouth is? Do you have a fancy term for it? Because I went to high school on it for three years.
We do not have that much in common.
This is ajob to you.
- It's notjust ajob.
- It's an adventure, great.
But for me, it's destiny.
It is something I can't change, something I can't escape.
I'm stuck.
You don't have to be.
You're not in high school any more.
- You can change things.
- Riley, no.
- I know it may seem - Riley! My answer is no.
- A Vahrall demon.
- Ew! - I second that revulsion.
- Yes.
"Slick like ghoul and gird in moonlight, father of portents and brother to blight.
" "Limbs with talons, eyes like knives, bane to the blameless, thief of lives.
" Three metres tall, approximately 100-120 kilograms, based on my visual analysis.
- Special hazards? - Unknown.
Probably nothing we haven't handled before.
There's no pattern we can discern, so we assume it's on a "kill, crush, destroy.
" It isn't digging up the bones of a child for fun.
A demon's got some pretty hilarious ideas about fun.
The bones of a child, though.
I saw that An ancient ritual.
It uses the blood of a man, the bones of a child, and something called the Word ofValios.
It's all part of a sacrifice.
The sacrifice ofthree.
Let me guess - ends the world? Well, yeah.
It's not big with the details, though.
It doesn't say how the world ends or what the ritual entails exactly.
The sacrifice ofthree.
Three people are gonna die? No, they won't.
Because Claw Boy is not getting all of his ingredients.
We have to find the Word ofValios, keep him from getting it.
If he doesn't already have it.
I mean, who knows where he's been? Here's one for the good guys.
This thing's got a pheromone signature a mile wide.
Agent Gates has been working with the detection system.
Can't tell where it's going, but I know where it's been.
Residual traces showing up in populated areas.
The thing's not shy.
We're going out in civvies.
Weapons stowed in packs.
Keep 'em out of sight till nightfall.
Remember, this isn't a capture, it's a kill.
Pick up assignments from me.
We'll blanket the town.
I'll check the magic shop for a book called the Word ofValios.
- How about the museum? - We'll stop by my house, get weapons, and I'll change into something that isn't quite as anchovy-scented.
This thing takes wicked very seriously.
Be careful.
I couldn't stand anybody getting hurt.
Goodbye, Dru.
See you in hell.
What are you doing? Bloody rot! Can't a person knock? - What are you doing? - You were trying to stake yourself.
Fag off! It's no concern ofyours.
Is too.
For one thing, that's my shirt you're about to dust.
For another, we've shared a lot.
You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
- Xander.
- What? He wants to die, I wanna help.
It's ooky.
We know him.
We can'tjust let him poof himself.
Oh, but you can.
You know I'd drain you drier than the Sahara if I had halfthe chance.
Besides, I'm beyond pathetic.
Stuck in this basement washing skivvies for a blighter I wouldn't have bothered to bite a few months ago.
I mean, am I even remotely scary any more? Tell me the truth.
Well, the shirt is kinda not very threatening, and the short pants But it could also be cos I know you can't bite, which isn't what you really need to hear - Stop.
Look, just clear out, OK? - Fine.
But you break anything else - and you'll be sleeping in the garage.
- We can't leave him here like this.
- We'll have to take him to the museum.
- You go on.
I won't do anything.
I feel better now.
Promise.
Ifwe don't find what we're looking for, we're facing an apocalypse.
Really? You're notjust saying that? Buffy.
- Is this really the time for Donkey Kong? - What? It takes trace readings ofthe creature's pheromones.
And? And it's either mating season for this thing or it's movin' all over town.
- You know, Buffy - Actually, I need to go.
- Big Bad needs to be squished.
- Right.
I'm on it, too.
It's just, this thing, this you-and-me thing, it's stupid.
I know.
Which is why we can't do it, the you-and-me thing.
No, I mean you're stupid.
I mean, I don't mean that.
- No, I think maybe I do.
- Wow.
With sweet talk like that, - you'll definitely melt my reservations.
- I'm serious.
You have this twisted way of looking at things.
This doom-and-gloom mentality.
You keep thinking like that and things will probably turn outjust the way you expect.
You know, there's nothing more dangerous than a psych grad student.
Buffy, where is the bad here? It turns out that we're even more well-matched than we thought we were.
I mean, you're a fry cook and so am l.
Yes, but you're an amateur fry cook, and I come from a long line offry cooks that don't live past 25.
Which is exactly the attitude I'm talking about.
Look, I know the risks ofwhat we do.
I also know it's more rewarding than any otherjob on the planet.
And fun! Fun? The last person I know that believed that is in a coma right now because she had so much fun on the job.
I'm not saying you shouldn't take your work seriously.
That I should just turn my frown upside down? ls that it? I wish I could.
But this isn't the kind of gig where you can just hang it up at night - and snuggle with your honey.
- Why can't it be? Because I tried it, OK? And every time itjust fell apart.
Then I get sucked right back into the Uber-evil.
Welcome to the story ofthe world.
Things fall apart, Buffy.
And evil, it comes and goes.
But the way people manage is, they don't do it alone.
They pull each other through.
Ifyou weren't so self-involved you'd see that.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
You barely know me.
I know that it's notjust the job thing.
I'm sure there's some good-looking guy who done you wrong in there, too.
But mostly I think you wanna stay down in the dark place, - cos maybe it's safer down there.
- You are so out of line.
No.
See, I don't think so.
We have an opportunity, you and me, but the fact that you're too scared to even try Is my business.
So why don't you just leave me alone? Fair enough.
- Great.
No Word ofValios.
- Not even a syllable ofValios.
So I'm one step closer to melting in a sea of molten hellfire? You shouldn't talk like that.
OK, so you can't kill any more, but there's other fun things you can do.
You'll adjust.
Adjust? And what? End up like the two ofyou? No, thank you.
Here it goes.
"We can'tjust leave him here to stake himself.
It's not right.
" I should think you would be glad to greet the end of days.
I mean, neither one ofyou is making much of a go at it.
You Kids your age are going offto university.
You've made it as far as the basement.
And Red here, you couldn't even keep Dog Boy happy.
You can take the loser out of high school, but You're trying to get us to dust you.
Am not! I just don't want pity from geeks more useless than I am.
We're not useless.
We help people.
We fight the forces of evil.
Buffy fights the forces of evil.
You're her groupies.
She'd do just as well without you, better I'd wager, since she wouldn't have to save your hides all the time.
That is so not true.
We're part ofthe team.
She needs us.
Or you're just the same tenth-grade losers you've always been and she's too much of a softy to cut you loose.
Oh - as usual - dear.
- What happened? - It's my fault.
I should have known.
Giles The Word ofValios is the name of a talisman, not a book.
- I blame myself entirely.
I had it here.
- You had it here? I thought you were being too hard on yourself, but Thank you.
I bought it at a sorcerer's estate sale.
I only glanced at it once.
I thought it was a knockoff.
They have it.
They probably have their sacrifices by now, too.
They're on their way to perform the sacrifice now.
On their way where? You found out what the ritual is for? The Hellmouth.
They're going to open the Hellmouth.
The one in the library.
Looks like we're going back to high school.
OK, be careful, you guys.
The place doesn't look too stable.
Fine by me.
Hope we all go under.
Why is he even here? It's not like he can fight.
Ifwe leave him alone, he'll stake himself.
And that's bad because? Fine.
Whatever.
Just keep him out ofthe way.
I do not have time for this.
When we get to the library, look out for victims they're keeping alive for the sacrifice.
- Getting them out is the first priority.
- Will do.
OK.
You guys ready? Let's rock and roll.
"Let's rock and roll.
" Sunnydale High.
Ifthese walls were still walls, what stories they could tell.
Eeuw! Mayor meat.
Extra crispy.
I think we're near the library.
Whoa.
Check out the new floor plan.
Three ofthem.
I don't see any sacrifice people.
They must be around here somewhere.
The ritual's not finished.
And it's not gonna be.
The blood! Get the talisman.
They can't do the ritual.
I've got the bones! Here! You're picking on the wrong guy.
I've had a lot of practice at this with my lunch money.
Spike! Right, perfect.
OK, I guess I won.
The demons! They are the sacrifice! No pain.
I can hurt a demon.
That's right.
I'm back, and I'm a bloody animal! Yeah! - No! - Spike, not in the hole! What? I was helping.
Get outta here! The building's gonna come down! Don't let him jump in the Hellmouth.
If he does, we're finished! I'm going in.
You're coming back out.
Buffy Well, hey! Willow.
And Xander, right? Jeez, what are the chances, huh? Yeah, I was just passing by and I thought I heard people inside.
You were just passing by in your GI Joe outfit? No offence, but you do look wicked conspicuous.
I do? Paintball.
Yeah, I was playing paintball.
And then the aftershock - So, you're one ofthe commando guys, huh? - Oh, no, no, no.
Commando? No, I mean - Do I know you? - Me? No.
No, sir.
I'm just an old pal of Xander's here.
Oh.
That's nice.
- It's kinda weird being back, isn't it? - Yeah.
Everything seems so small.
And more charred and ruiny.