Dad's Army (1968) s04e11 Episode Script

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think we're on the run? We are the boys who will stop your little game We are the boys who will make you think again 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? (MUFFLED ) Good morning, Mr Mainwaring.
Good morning, Pike.
Any letters? Only two, sir, and they're both marked ''Delayed by enemy action''.
Good gracious me! We haven't had any letters from Head Office for two and a half weeks! Goodness knows how many documents have been lost! - Shall I set up the Lewis gun, sir? - No, that's Wilson's job.
- Where is he? It's quarter past nine.
- He's not usually late.
- I wonder what's happened.
- Perhaps he's been captured.
What? A Nazi paratrooper may have landed and captured him on the way to work.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'd better do it myself.
(PHONE RINGS) - See who that is on the phone.
- Yes, sir.
Hello.
Swallow Bank.
No, I'm not the manager.
Hang on, please.
It's for you, Mr Mainwaring.
Long-distance, Head Office.
- All right.
You see to the gun, will you? - Yes, sir.
- Hello? Good morning, sir.
- Mainwaring? West here, Head Office.
Oh, yes Stop fiddling with that gun, will you? Stop fiddling with it.
- Mainwaring, are you there? - Hello, sir.
Yes, here.
I'm afraid some of our letters may have been destroyed by enemy action.
Put that gun down.
Put that gun down, I say! - What's happening? What's happening? - Nothing, sir.
Why? - I thought the bank was being robbed.
- No, everything's under complete control.
I won't waste time, Mainwaring.
This call is expensive.
I shan't be able to send anyone to replace Wilson for several weeks, so you'll have to manage the best you can.
What? I shan't be able to send anyone to replace Wilson for several weeks.
- Why? Where's he going? - What do you mean, where's he going? You know where he's going.
He's taking over as manager at our Eastgate branch.
He applied for the job ages ago.
Didn't he tell you? - He's what? - Well, I wrote to you about it last month.
- Well, I never got the letter.
- It must have been destroyed in an air raid.
You'll just have to manage the best you can.
There's a war on.
I'll keep in touch.
Goodbye.
- Are you all right, Mr Mainwaring? - Wilson's to be manager of the Eastgate branch.
Oh, I know that.
Yes, Mum's ever so pleased.
(PHONE RINGS) - Hello? Mainwaring here.
- Pritchard here, adjutant, HQ.
Yeah, good morning, sir.
Sergeant Wilson's commission has come through.
Commission? Captain Square wants him to take over the Eastgate Platoon as soon as possible.
- The Eastgate Platoon? - I expect you'll miss him.
Have you decided who you're going to promote in his place? - (MUMBLES) - Let me know as soon as you can.
Sergeant Wilson deserves his promotion.
He's a good chap.
Congratulate him for me, will you? Cheerio.
Oh! (PHONE RINGS) - Yes? Mainwaring here.
- Good morning, Mr Mainwaring, Vicar here.
Are you going to tell me that Wilson's been made Archbishop of Canterbury? Really, Mr Mainwaring! - Sorry, Vicar.
I'm not quite myself this morning.
- Oh, dear, aren't you? I'm afraid I've got a confession to make.
When I say ''confession'', I don't mean that sort of confession.
That's mostly for the RCs.
Idiot.
What I'm trying to say is that the whist drive that is supposed to take place in the church hall on Tuesday next is tonight.
- Really? - So would you mind cancelling your parade? Otherwise I'm going to look a bit of a fool.
- All right, Vicar.
- Oh, how sweet of you! Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Pike! You do look red.
Shall I open the other window? No, I've just had a bit of a shock.
I've had several shocks this morning.
- I've never seen you look like this.
- Never mind that.
Go and tell every member of the platoon that the parade is off tonight.
- Yes, sir.
- Get these orders typed out and duplicated.
Take a copy to each member of the platoon.
- (WILSON) Good morning! - Go and get on with your work.
- Good morning, Frank.
- Good morning, Uncle ArthMr Wilson.
Good morning, sir.
What time do you call this? Actually, sir, it's twenty to ten.
- Where have you been? - I've been doing a little shopping.
I bought this.
Do you like it? It's forofficers only, of course.
And I bought some of these as well.
I don't know which I like best, the cloth ones or brass ones.
But you're not supposed to wear brass ones with the battle dress.
Judas! - I beg your pardon? - Judas! I'm sorry, but I don't quite follow you.
Wilson, you've been following me for years, waiting to step into my shoes! - I don't want to step into your shoes.
- You never told me about the Eastgate job.
- Surely Head Office wrote to you? - The letters got destroyed.
- That's not my fault.
- What about this commission? Captain Square probably overstepped the mark, but he's very keen to have me.
In fact, he said he was most impressed with what I'd done with the platoon.
With what YOU'D done with the platoon? Yes, he's had his eye on me for some time now.
Just because you went to a tuppenny-ha'penny public school! - I wouldn't call Meadowbridge that.
- Meadowbridge! You know where I went, don't you? Eastbourne Grammar! - What's wrong with that? - Don't be so patronising! I had to fight like hell to get there! - That's all to your credit.
- You've never fought for anything in your life.
Brought up by a nanny, father something in the City.
You sit back and let everything come to you.
Well, it wasn't quite as simple as all that.
I've been manager here for ten years.
I ought to have gone on to better things years ago.
Every time I went for a promotion, it was, ''What school did you go to?'' - As soon as I told them, that was that! - I'm sure it didn't influence them.
Oh, no, I'm sure it wouldn't influence you.
All they've got to do is ask you and you'd say, ''I was at Meadowbridge.
Small, but rather good.
'' There were over 300 boys there.
Not only have I made a success of this branch, but I've taken a lot of shopkeepers up by the bootlaces and turned them into a crack platoon! - Well, I helped a bit.
- Did you? I'll show you how I value your help, both as a platoon sergeant and a chief clerk! Get me 252, will you? When I sat at this desk this morning and saw the web of intrigue that was unfolding before my eyes, I-I couldn't believe it.
I've never Hello, Jones.
Get round to the bank as soon as you can.
Pike! Come in here.
Now, until you're relieved by Head Office, you will assume the duties of chief clerk.
Pardon? I said you're chief clerk as from today.
- Do you think I've got the brains for it? - I'm jolly sure if Wilson has, you have! I don't talk posh like UncleMr Wilson.
- Never judge a book by its cover, Pike.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Come in.
- Mr Mainwaring, Mr Wilson, Pikey I can't stop long, you know.
The offal's just arrived.
I've got a queue a mile long and Raymond's looking after the shop.
- This won't take a minute.
Get to work, Pike.
- Yes, sir.
Now, just a minute, Jones.
Listen very carefully to what I'm going to say.
Lance Corporal Jones, I hereby promote you to sergeant.
- What do you think of that? - Do you think that's wise, sir? That's the last time you'll look down your nose at me and say, ''Do you think that's wise, sir?'' Well, what do you think of that, Jones? Jones? Agh! Oh, Mr Mainwaring, I don't know what to say.
This is quite extraordinary.
Promoted to sergeant? I never believed this'd come true, and now to think that after all these years I'll be able to stand in front of those brave boys with three stripes on every arm.
Not just one, not two, butbut three.
You see the sort of man I'm promoting? Brave, true, loyal to the last! (BLOWS NOSE) Mr Mainwaring, what about Mr Wilson? We can't have two sergeants.
Mr Wilson is leaving us.
He is going to higher things.
He's been promoted to Second Lieutenant in Eastgate Platoon.
Oh Oh, dear, I Oh Oh, that's marvellous.
I shall miss you, Mr Wilson.
Nobody deserves promotion more than you do.
And I shall try and live up to the high ideals and to the standards of loyalty that you put up us.
(MUTTERS) - Thank you very much, Jonesy.
- Just one thing.
Could you put the promotion down officially? Write it down in writing, if you wouldn't mind, sir? So I can have something solid to show people in the future.
- Yes, certainly.
- Thank you, sir.
- ''This is to confirm'' - Confirm - ''.
.
that you have been promoted'' - Promoted ''.
.
to the rank of Sergeant of the First Platoon of the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard.
'' Home Guard.
I'll have this typed out and I'll put your name at the top.
- Thank you very much.
I'll get back to the shop.
- Jonesy, I'll show you out.
No need to do that.
Thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
Thank you, Mr Wilson.
I'll get back to the shop.
Yes, you do that.
You get back to the shop.
- I'll go back to the shop.
- Yes, you go back to the shop.
Mr Mainwaring, Miss King says can you come at once? She's got a query of a customer.
Yes, all right.
- Pike - Yes, sir? Type those orders out and duplicate them.
And see that every member of the platoon gets a copy.
- Tell them the parade is off for tonight.
- Yes, sir.
''This is to confirm that you've been promoted to the rank of Sergeant of the First Platoon'' Why has he promoted everybody else to sergeant and not me? Oh, well, at least I am chief clerk! Waltzing high in the clouds Drifting, dreaming, far from the crowds I do wish Mr Mainwaring wouldn't keep using my drawers! - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Come in.
- Isn't Mr Mainwaring in? - He hasn't arrived yet.
- (STARTS SOBBING) - Oh, Mrs Pike, whatever is the matter? It's nothing, but I did want to see Mr Mainwaring.
Mrs Pike, please tell me what this is all about.
- It's Arthur.
He's deceived me.
- I beg your pardon? He's been made manager of the bank at Eastgate.
I thought he'd be going over there every day on the train, but he's joined the Eastgate Platoon.
He's been made an officer and he's gonna live over there! I shall never see him again! Of course you'll see him again.
Eastgate's only ten miles away.
It might just as well be 100 miles away! Now, don't you worry, Mrs Pike.
After a while, he'll come back to you and he'll say, ''All these weeks I've longed for the moment when I could take you in my arms ''and tell you how much I've missed you!'' - (CLEARS THROAT) - What is it, Verger? Well, I, ermI, erm Oh, I'm sorry, Vicar.
- What are you sorry about? - Well, I, er Tell me what it is you want.
This is personal.
- Yes, I can see that.
- Just state your business.
It's the harmonium in the bell tower.
I can't push it on my own.
I only want it moved away from the wall where the damp patch is.
I still can't manage it on my own.
Mr Mainwaring's men will be here soon.
Get them to help.
Very well, sir.
Oh! I never thought I should live to see the day when His Reverence would become a victim of wartime immorality.
Now, don't you worry, Mrs Pike.
I'm sure everything will turn out all right in the end.
- Good evening.
- Can't you do something about Arthur? I'm afraid it's out of my hands now, Mrs Pike.
I don't know what's come over him.
Ambition's turned his head! Oh, I'm the sergeant, the bully, bully sergeant Come with me, you soon shall see that a soldier's life is fine (MOUTHS WORDS) - Sergeant Jones! - Coming, sir! Oh, pity.
Yes! (CLEARS THROAT) Platoon Platoon, atten'shun! As you were! Very sloppy, very sloppy indeed.
Now, listen to me.
There's gonna be a few changes around here, you understand? I'm in charge now and you can have it the easy way or you can have it the HARD way! The easy way's not very easy and the HARD way is very, very HAR-R-RD! Now, let's have a look at ye.
Nyyyah! Stand up straight, Pike! You're as peely-wally as a rotten banana! Ah, Godfrey, you'll have to pull your socks up, will you no', or you'll be out on your ear! I'm not carrying any passengers in my platoon! A-ha.
I'm watching you, Walker.
Just put one foot wrong and I'll have ye! Do you get me? Last warning, Jones! Unless your drill improves, I'll take that stripe away.
Nowbuck up your ideas, all of ye! And remember, my name's Sergeant Frazer! Frazer spelt B-A-S-T-A-R-D! - That's not really how you spell it, is it? - Eh? The vicar says you've got to help with the harmonium.
- Me help with a harmonium? - It's got to be shifted.
Or perhaps you'd like me to tell the others what you've just been saying.
- All right.
Where is it? - In the bell tower.
Come on.
You'd better take your jacket off as well.
It's hot work shifting that harmonium.
Platoon, atten'shun! Right, now that I've been made up to sergeant, I don't want you lot to worry about me being too regimental.
Now, for instance, when I call the roll, if there's someone who's not here and he's a regular customer of mine and he spends, say, two pounds or more a week, I'll mark him here, present.
On the other handif I find someone's not cleaned his brasses, I'll overlook it, providing he buys the metal polish off me to clean it.
Excuse me, Mr Walker, excuse me! Could you give me a hand to shift the harmonium? I don't know, not now I've been made a sergeant.
I don't think I ought to do that sort of thing.
- Did you know I was made a sergeant? - Very nice.
Won't take a minute.
Yeah, all right.
Hello.
I'd better take this jacket off.
Don't want to get my nice new stripes dirty.
It's dusty up in that bell tower.
I really can't understand why Captain Mainwaring promoted me to be sergeant.
I'm not sure I can carry out the duties, but I shall do my best.
I'm sure you will, Mr Godfrey.
Excuse me.
I'm just going to wash my hands.
- Hello, Pikey.
Have you seen Mr Godfrey? - He's in there.
- Has he got his first-aid kit? - Yes.
Why? I cut my finger on my rifle bolt.
I wanted to put a bandage on it.
Right, that was a good job well done, Taffy.
I'm not here to shift furniture, especially now that I'm a Hud on, hud on! Blimey! - It must be a mistake.
- Of course it is.
You can't have two sergeants! I'm going to see Mr Mainwaring.
There must be some mis God! Very good, Captain Mainwaring.
I shall do as you say.
Now then, platoon Platoo-oon Blimey! I really think you ought to speak to Mr Wilson.
I'm having nothing more to do with it, Vicar.
I wash my hands of the entire affair.
Captain Mainwaring, I've fallen the private in.
What shall I do with the sergeants? - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Come in.
Ah! Well, I'm just off, sir.
I thought I'd get the 9.
30 to Eastgate.
Why are you going now? It's only Wednesday.
You don't take up your position until Monday.
They've been having a lot of difficulty over there.
The manager's been called up and Mr West from Head Office will stay on in Eastgate in order to show me the ropes.
Mr West of Head Office, eh? We ARE honoured.
Why are you travelling in uniform? I don't know.
It's just sort of handy, you know.
Rubbish! It's so you can parade along the platform looking for salutes! - Why not? You did.
- How do you mean? The day you got your new uniform, I followed you.
- You followed me? - Yes, I did.
I watched you go up and down the high street looking for a serviceman to salute you.
- You had to make do with a Sea Scout.
- That's enough! - Say what you have to say and go.
- Would you like to come and see me off? Certainly not.
Our relationship ends here and now.
Really, sir, after all we've been through together? Can't we let bygones be bygones? Don't try to soft-soap me.
Well, goodbye.
Goodbye, sir.
And if I did look for salutes, at least I did them properly.
That salute you gave me was rotten! - You've done very well these last three days.
- Thank you very much, sir.
We had thought of promoting you to manager several times.
- Really? - If it wasn't for Mainwaring, - you'd have had your branch ages ago.
- What did he say? He said that you didn't show enough initiative.
Oh.
Oh, did he? You've proved him wrong and I think you'll make an excellent manager.
- Thank you, sir.
- It's nearly one o'clock.
I must close the bank and get back to London.
You're busy with the Home Guard? - That's right.
- Here are the keys.
Thank you.
From Monday morning, Wilson, you will be sitting in that chair.
At nine o'clock, you will enter this office and take your place at that desk as manager.
How do you feel about it? Wellawawfully nice.
- Good luck, Wilson.
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much indeed.
Waltzing, waltzing high in the clouds Drifting, dreaming, far from the crowds (WILSON) Good morning.
Good morning.
What a lovely day! Good morning! See you in a moment or two.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Come in.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, Mr Boyle.
I have several important items for you to deal with.
All in good time, Mr Boyle.
I'd rather like to have a word with the staff first.
- Oh.
Very well, sir.
- Right.
Mr Wilson would like a word with you.
Will you all come into the office, please? I thought it might be a nice idea if we were to have a chat, so that we get to know each other.
- Yes, of course, sir.
- Right, come along, then.
Quick as you can.
That's it.
Right, now, are we all here? Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, before we start work today, I thought it might be nice to meet you and have a word together.
Now, I would like you to understand that I like to work in a nice, quiet, relaxed kind of atmosphere.
Do you understand? Now, if you have any worries, I don't want you to be upset at all.
Just come along to my office, tap on the door and as long as you see the name ''A Wilson - Manager'', I want it to give you a feeling of security and confidence to just tap on the door, come in and I shall be here to look after you.
- (AIR-RAID SIREN) - There are one or two There are the sirens.
We'd better go down to the shelter.
Yes, I suppose we had.
Don't panic, don't panic.
It's perfectly all right.
We can do those papers in the shelter, can't we, Mr Boyle? Come along, my dear.
What a very pretty blouse you're wearing.
Where did you get that? I hope Uncle Arthur's all right.
He'll be all right.
The devil looks after his own.
After all, they haven't had one single bomb on Eastgate yet.
- This is very upsetting, sir.
- The bank was completely gutted.
- How are you going to carry on? - We're not.
We're going to close the Eastgate branch and put all the business over to Hastings.
Must be the shortest appointment in history.
Well, how do you mean? At nine o'clock, the poor chap was manager of a bank and at five past, he had no bank to manage.
- How's he taking it? - You can never tell with Wilson.
He's not the sort of chap to show much emotion.
Yes.
Well, we must all carry on doing our bit, Mainwaring.
Yes.
Yes, certainly we must, sir.
Bye.
Hello, Wilson.
Come in.
I've just had Head Office on the phone.
They're very sorry.
Ah.
And may I say how very sorry I am, too? It's most unfortunate.
Yes, it is.
Most unfortunate.
No, don't sit down.
I'm rather busy.
I've had a word with GHQ and they're quite agreeable for you to keep your rank.
- Oh, good, good.
- Yeah.
Get them sewn on by tonight.
That's all.