Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s04e11 Episode Script
Will the Real Dr. Howser Please Stand Up
What am I looking for in a man? He doesn't have to be smart or good-looking or rich.
I guess he just has to call me.
Hello, there.
I was born Nancy Jacobs, but my name is now shakzareen.
Well, that's in this lifetime.
What are my hobbies? Um, gee Of course Oh, god, I didn't want to do that.
All right, so I've made this stupid videotape at this stupid video dating place.
So what now? Huh? Are you going to call? No.
You'll sit back and judge me.
You think I don't know that? Arrogant wimps.
I guess I was 3 when we moved to Kansas City.
Very cold there.
Oh, boy, is it cold.
And the winters just seemed to go on and on and on and on.
And the long, hot summers Whew.
Oh, and those hailstorms.
Oh, boy, don't get me started on those hailstorms.
This is silly.
I really am an "up" kind of person.
I think I was 4 when we moved to abilene.
You want to hear about dust? - Vinnie.
- I remember Video dating, doog.
It's the wave of the future.
A video pipeline to paradise.
Doog, since I've been working at close encounters, I've seen many wonderful couplings.
I think I know where your problem lies.
Let's just take a gander at Mr.
Excitement, shall we? Well, my name is, uh Most women expect you to get that one right away.
Actually, it's two names.
Doogie is a contraction of Douglas.
Uh, Douglas is my real name, but people call me doogie Whatever.
Nerd meter rising.
I'm a fairly rational individual.
I mean, I'm not a skydiving, bungee-jumping, motorcycle-racing daredevil.
How can I describe my loft? It's a big open space But homey and warm.
Actually, I saw this terrific performance of tchaikovsky's 1812 overture last summer at the Hollywood bowl.
Oh, yeah They had real blasting cannons And this amazing fireworks display.
It was, um Da da da da da-da da-da dum dum dum da da da da da-da da-da dum dum dum I'm Roxanne rawlins.
This is it, doog.
I moved to L.
A.
three years ago from Baltimore, home of the world's freshest crabs! I don't want my videotape in your stupid service.
Just watch.
I'm a hair stylist and I do a little makeup on the side.
And I believe in spontaneity.
Some brunette, she'll walk in real depressed, and I'll say something like, "why not go red?" You wouldn't believe how they snap out of it.
I have a motorcycle, a Harley sportster.
I love to ride up pch at night with the smell of the sea coming off the waves.
What are you doing? It's not done yet.
I've seen enough.
She's not my type.
Really, Mr.
wham-bam- no-thank-you-ma'am? Like you got girls lining up outside your door? Give me a break, Vinnie.
She's too I don't know.
What, you get bonus points for making your mind up fast? Would it kill you to take her out for coffee? I don't get it.
My riveting performance of the 1812 overture attracted roxy the biker babe? Prepare to be dazzled.
Meet Doug howser Tall, athletic, sensitive.
Doug described himself for us in seven words.
Skydiving, bungee-jumping, motorcycle-racing daredevil.
Doug, you and your dream girl are on the veranda.
You move in close.
Your lips connect.
Describe that moment.
This amazing fireworks display blasting cannons.
Whoa! I'm sweating! O.
K.
, let's get serious.
What are you looking for in a relationship? Let's see, how can I describe it? It's like a big open space, but homey and warm.
Ladies, I don't think I've heard it put more beautifully.
This is a woman's man.
Aman's man.
He has it all! I I'm speechless.
It's unbelievable.
Isn't it? Isn't it? Unbelievable.
Aah! Aah.
Oh! Ooh! Hi, Greg.
I'm Dr.
howser.
I hear you hurt your arm.
You're not the real Dr.
howser.
You know a Dr.
David howser? Yeah, for the last 19 years.
He's my father.
He's our family doctor.
I'm Hank Finney.
Greg, I'm just going to gently feel your arm.
Let me know if it hurts.
He's a tough kid.
That's o.
K.
How did this happen? Greg, tell Dr.
howser.
You fell off your bike.
I fell off my bike.
Uh-huh.
And how did that happen? Greg? I just fell off.
Were you in the street? And did you swerve suddenly? For what? A dog? A cat? A dog.
Greg, was anyone else there when this happened? I don't know.
I was in the house.
His mother's shopping.
Is it broken? Um We'll know more after the x-rays.
Why don't you go to the waiting room while I take him to radiology? Oh.
O.
K.
Hey You hang in there, o.
K.
? I'm going to be right outside.
I'm not going anywhere.
Who's my main guy? I am.
Spiral fracture.
There's a callus around this old fracture.
It looks like it's a few months old.
Hello, son.
Hi, Ann.
Hi, David.
Thanks for coming down.
Would you look at this? Spiral fracture.
I thought Greg fell off his bike.
What about this prior fracture? I treated that months ago.
Do you remember how it happened? Uh Let's see Fell off his bike, I think.
Dad, how well do you know Greg's father? Very well.
I've been Hank's doctor since he was a teenager.
Actually, he's Greg's stepfather.
Greg's mother had a pretty rocky divorce three years ago.
So both injuries occurred since Hank Finney's been in the house.
What are you suggesting? Greg says he fell off his bike Again.
Yet there are no abrasions, no road dirt.
What he does have is a spiral fracture which usually comes from a twisting motion and severe contusions on his shoulder and upper arm.
Hold it.
Child abuse? Um, Ann, I'll need some comparison views of Greg's other arm.
Sure.
Right away.
I'm going to have the child abuse team interview the boy.
You're acting very impulsively.
I've got 30 minutes to decide whether Greg should be released into Hank's care.
What if I'm right? You're not listening.
I told you, I know this man.
Oh, I see.
Well, your honor.
I had the x-rays, but my dad had this gut feeling that Hank Finney was a nice man.
Yeah, that'll fly.
The boy fits the profile of an abused child Withdrawn, sullen, noncommunicative.
Of course.
He's in a big hospital, being asked lots of questions by a stranger.
I think it's more than that.
I recommend protective custody pending further investigation.
I agree.
Wait.
Let me talk to the boy.
I know him.
Multiple interviews at this juncture could confuse the child's testimony in court.
Now we're going to court? David, I didn't make these rules.
I'm not at Liberty to break them.
If these charges are unfounded, do you have any idea what you'll put this family through? Unfortunately, we do.
But our priority is the safety of the child.
Let's hold him.
What's taking so long? Dr.
howser, what are you doing here? Is Greg all right? He's fine.
But there seems to be some question as to how Greg broke his arm.
He fell off his bike.
We don't normally associate Greg's type of break with a low-impact fall.
So we're going to keep him here in the hospital until the child abuse team can investigate.
You think I hurt my kid? We need to know more about the incident.
I would never hurt Greg.
Hank, this is a big institution bound by a lot of regulations, and they have to investigate every possibility.
No.
I'm taking Greg home now! No, you're not.
I don't care who you are Get out of my way! What's wrong with you people? I'm not leaving without my kid.
Don't worry.
Everything's going to be all right.
Elaine.
I'll wait with him.
You've changed your mind? Override Nancy Harris' decision and let my father talk to Greg Finney.
I made a decision based in good part on your opinion.
I know, but I was wrong.
No, you were right.
We're handling this by the book.
If you'll excuse me? I just saw a wife look into her husband's eyes and not know who he was.
I want us to do the right thing.
Maybe we're getting caught in a system.
A system that was developed with great thought and care.
And it works well in the normal scenario when we're forced to make judgments about people we know little about.
But this time, we have a valuable tool My father.
Douglas, if this doesn't work, we could find ourselves in an indefensible legal position.
And if it does, we may save a family.
This is kind of crazy, huh? Come on.
You can put your legs down.
How you doing? When can I go home? Oh, I hope very soon.
Greg, uh We trust each other, right? Did you tell the truth about falling off your bike? No.
Why not? 'Cause of my dad.
Your real dad or your stepdad? My stepdad.
Are you afraid of your stepdad? Has he ever hurt you? What do you mean? Well, has he ever hit you? Or grabbed you or spanked you? Has he ever yelled at you? Once.
When I climbed up on the garage roof.
He said never to do it again, and I promised.
But then I hit my ball up there, and I forgot.
Is that how you hurt your arm? You fell off the roof? I grabbed onto the edge.
I tried to hold on.
Please don't tell him I was bad, Dr.
howser.
Why are you so afraid? Because he'll get mad, then he'll go away like my real dad did.
Ohh Oh, no.
No, Greg.
Mom! Dad! Hey, gregster! I'm sorry I was bad.
Are you mad at me? No, son, nobody's mad.
We love you, sweetheart.
That's all.
Can we all go home now? Bye, Dr.
howser.
Be sure and bring Greg by my office next week.
Mr.
Finney I'm terribly sorry you went through all this.
Got to love this job.
You know, Douglas I don't want to hear "I told you so.
" I'd do it again.
I know.
You made a tough call in a tough situation.
I admire that.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
I don't face this pressure in private practice.
I wouldn't handle it as well.
Your style is different but maybe better.
You don't depend on the rules.
You spend more time looking for the exception.
I guess it never hurts to take a second look.
That's good advice.
Well, don't forget, I'm the real Dr.
howser.
And I love to ride up pch with the wind and the smell of the sea coming off the waves.
It's the best.
I don't believe this I'm flirting with the camera.
Pretty soon, we'll have our dates on the tvs.
Fall in love, get married, divorced, and never leave the la-z-boy.
I know you're out there.
I can almost hear you laughing.
It's nice to see a man sweating over a hot stove.
Very nineties.
Look out.
Hot stuff.
Hot stuff coming through.
Let me get this straight.
Your friend doctored the tape, and what I saw was basically, like, lies.
Embellishments.
Overstatements.
Lies.
Well, is your name really Doug, at least? Well, no, actually, it's not.
Everyone calls me doogie.
Let's stick with Doug, o.
K.
? I hope I'm not a disappointment.
I'm not a daredevil or anything.
You kidding? A guy works in an emergency room where anybody can mosey in holding their severed leg under their arm? Sounds like a daredevil to me.
Well It is a lot of blood.
There you go, Doug.
Give the devil his due.
To be honest, I didn't want to go out with you because of what you said on the tape.
I just kind of liked the shape of your head.
Thank you.
It's one of my nicer features.
Yeah.
Here.
Oh, thanks.
Fresh Maryland crabs, huh? Oh! For the pride of Baltimore.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Ooh.
Careful.
I guess he just has to call me.
Hello, there.
I was born Nancy Jacobs, but my name is now shakzareen.
Well, that's in this lifetime.
What are my hobbies? Um, gee Of course Oh, god, I didn't want to do that.
All right, so I've made this stupid videotape at this stupid video dating place.
So what now? Huh? Are you going to call? No.
You'll sit back and judge me.
You think I don't know that? Arrogant wimps.
I guess I was 3 when we moved to Kansas City.
Very cold there.
Oh, boy, is it cold.
And the winters just seemed to go on and on and on and on.
And the long, hot summers Whew.
Oh, and those hailstorms.
Oh, boy, don't get me started on those hailstorms.
This is silly.
I really am an "up" kind of person.
I think I was 4 when we moved to abilene.
You want to hear about dust? - Vinnie.
- I remember Video dating, doog.
It's the wave of the future.
A video pipeline to paradise.
Doog, since I've been working at close encounters, I've seen many wonderful couplings.
I think I know where your problem lies.
Let's just take a gander at Mr.
Excitement, shall we? Well, my name is, uh Most women expect you to get that one right away.
Actually, it's two names.
Doogie is a contraction of Douglas.
Uh, Douglas is my real name, but people call me doogie Whatever.
Nerd meter rising.
I'm a fairly rational individual.
I mean, I'm not a skydiving, bungee-jumping, motorcycle-racing daredevil.
How can I describe my loft? It's a big open space But homey and warm.
Actually, I saw this terrific performance of tchaikovsky's 1812 overture last summer at the Hollywood bowl.
Oh, yeah They had real blasting cannons And this amazing fireworks display.
It was, um Da da da da da-da da-da dum dum dum da da da da da-da da-da dum dum dum I'm Roxanne rawlins.
This is it, doog.
I moved to L.
A.
three years ago from Baltimore, home of the world's freshest crabs! I don't want my videotape in your stupid service.
Just watch.
I'm a hair stylist and I do a little makeup on the side.
And I believe in spontaneity.
Some brunette, she'll walk in real depressed, and I'll say something like, "why not go red?" You wouldn't believe how they snap out of it.
I have a motorcycle, a Harley sportster.
I love to ride up pch at night with the smell of the sea coming off the waves.
What are you doing? It's not done yet.
I've seen enough.
She's not my type.
Really, Mr.
wham-bam- no-thank-you-ma'am? Like you got girls lining up outside your door? Give me a break, Vinnie.
She's too I don't know.
What, you get bonus points for making your mind up fast? Would it kill you to take her out for coffee? I don't get it.
My riveting performance of the 1812 overture attracted roxy the biker babe? Prepare to be dazzled.
Meet Doug howser Tall, athletic, sensitive.
Doug described himself for us in seven words.
Skydiving, bungee-jumping, motorcycle-racing daredevil.
Doug, you and your dream girl are on the veranda.
You move in close.
Your lips connect.
Describe that moment.
This amazing fireworks display blasting cannons.
Whoa! I'm sweating! O.
K.
, let's get serious.
What are you looking for in a relationship? Let's see, how can I describe it? It's like a big open space, but homey and warm.
Ladies, I don't think I've heard it put more beautifully.
This is a woman's man.
Aman's man.
He has it all! I I'm speechless.
It's unbelievable.
Isn't it? Isn't it? Unbelievable.
Aah! Aah.
Oh! Ooh! Hi, Greg.
I'm Dr.
howser.
I hear you hurt your arm.
You're not the real Dr.
howser.
You know a Dr.
David howser? Yeah, for the last 19 years.
He's my father.
He's our family doctor.
I'm Hank Finney.
Greg, I'm just going to gently feel your arm.
Let me know if it hurts.
He's a tough kid.
That's o.
K.
How did this happen? Greg, tell Dr.
howser.
You fell off your bike.
I fell off my bike.
Uh-huh.
And how did that happen? Greg? I just fell off.
Were you in the street? And did you swerve suddenly? For what? A dog? A cat? A dog.
Greg, was anyone else there when this happened? I don't know.
I was in the house.
His mother's shopping.
Is it broken? Um We'll know more after the x-rays.
Why don't you go to the waiting room while I take him to radiology? Oh.
O.
K.
Hey You hang in there, o.
K.
? I'm going to be right outside.
I'm not going anywhere.
Who's my main guy? I am.
Spiral fracture.
There's a callus around this old fracture.
It looks like it's a few months old.
Hello, son.
Hi, Ann.
Hi, David.
Thanks for coming down.
Would you look at this? Spiral fracture.
I thought Greg fell off his bike.
What about this prior fracture? I treated that months ago.
Do you remember how it happened? Uh Let's see Fell off his bike, I think.
Dad, how well do you know Greg's father? Very well.
I've been Hank's doctor since he was a teenager.
Actually, he's Greg's stepfather.
Greg's mother had a pretty rocky divorce three years ago.
So both injuries occurred since Hank Finney's been in the house.
What are you suggesting? Greg says he fell off his bike Again.
Yet there are no abrasions, no road dirt.
What he does have is a spiral fracture which usually comes from a twisting motion and severe contusions on his shoulder and upper arm.
Hold it.
Child abuse? Um, Ann, I'll need some comparison views of Greg's other arm.
Sure.
Right away.
I'm going to have the child abuse team interview the boy.
You're acting very impulsively.
I've got 30 minutes to decide whether Greg should be released into Hank's care.
What if I'm right? You're not listening.
I told you, I know this man.
Oh, I see.
Well, your honor.
I had the x-rays, but my dad had this gut feeling that Hank Finney was a nice man.
Yeah, that'll fly.
The boy fits the profile of an abused child Withdrawn, sullen, noncommunicative.
Of course.
He's in a big hospital, being asked lots of questions by a stranger.
I think it's more than that.
I recommend protective custody pending further investigation.
I agree.
Wait.
Let me talk to the boy.
I know him.
Multiple interviews at this juncture could confuse the child's testimony in court.
Now we're going to court? David, I didn't make these rules.
I'm not at Liberty to break them.
If these charges are unfounded, do you have any idea what you'll put this family through? Unfortunately, we do.
But our priority is the safety of the child.
Let's hold him.
What's taking so long? Dr.
howser, what are you doing here? Is Greg all right? He's fine.
But there seems to be some question as to how Greg broke his arm.
He fell off his bike.
We don't normally associate Greg's type of break with a low-impact fall.
So we're going to keep him here in the hospital until the child abuse team can investigate.
You think I hurt my kid? We need to know more about the incident.
I would never hurt Greg.
Hank, this is a big institution bound by a lot of regulations, and they have to investigate every possibility.
No.
I'm taking Greg home now! No, you're not.
I don't care who you are Get out of my way! What's wrong with you people? I'm not leaving without my kid.
Don't worry.
Everything's going to be all right.
Elaine.
I'll wait with him.
You've changed your mind? Override Nancy Harris' decision and let my father talk to Greg Finney.
I made a decision based in good part on your opinion.
I know, but I was wrong.
No, you were right.
We're handling this by the book.
If you'll excuse me? I just saw a wife look into her husband's eyes and not know who he was.
I want us to do the right thing.
Maybe we're getting caught in a system.
A system that was developed with great thought and care.
And it works well in the normal scenario when we're forced to make judgments about people we know little about.
But this time, we have a valuable tool My father.
Douglas, if this doesn't work, we could find ourselves in an indefensible legal position.
And if it does, we may save a family.
This is kind of crazy, huh? Come on.
You can put your legs down.
How you doing? When can I go home? Oh, I hope very soon.
Greg, uh We trust each other, right? Did you tell the truth about falling off your bike? No.
Why not? 'Cause of my dad.
Your real dad or your stepdad? My stepdad.
Are you afraid of your stepdad? Has he ever hurt you? What do you mean? Well, has he ever hit you? Or grabbed you or spanked you? Has he ever yelled at you? Once.
When I climbed up on the garage roof.
He said never to do it again, and I promised.
But then I hit my ball up there, and I forgot.
Is that how you hurt your arm? You fell off the roof? I grabbed onto the edge.
I tried to hold on.
Please don't tell him I was bad, Dr.
howser.
Why are you so afraid? Because he'll get mad, then he'll go away like my real dad did.
Ohh Oh, no.
No, Greg.
Mom! Dad! Hey, gregster! I'm sorry I was bad.
Are you mad at me? No, son, nobody's mad.
We love you, sweetheart.
That's all.
Can we all go home now? Bye, Dr.
howser.
Be sure and bring Greg by my office next week.
Mr.
Finney I'm terribly sorry you went through all this.
Got to love this job.
You know, Douglas I don't want to hear "I told you so.
" I'd do it again.
I know.
You made a tough call in a tough situation.
I admire that.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
I don't face this pressure in private practice.
I wouldn't handle it as well.
Your style is different but maybe better.
You don't depend on the rules.
You spend more time looking for the exception.
I guess it never hurts to take a second look.
That's good advice.
Well, don't forget, I'm the real Dr.
howser.
And I love to ride up pch with the wind and the smell of the sea coming off the waves.
It's the best.
I don't believe this I'm flirting with the camera.
Pretty soon, we'll have our dates on the tvs.
Fall in love, get married, divorced, and never leave the la-z-boy.
I know you're out there.
I can almost hear you laughing.
It's nice to see a man sweating over a hot stove.
Very nineties.
Look out.
Hot stuff.
Hot stuff coming through.
Let me get this straight.
Your friend doctored the tape, and what I saw was basically, like, lies.
Embellishments.
Overstatements.
Lies.
Well, is your name really Doug, at least? Well, no, actually, it's not.
Everyone calls me doogie.
Let's stick with Doug, o.
K.
? I hope I'm not a disappointment.
I'm not a daredevil or anything.
You kidding? A guy works in an emergency room where anybody can mosey in holding their severed leg under their arm? Sounds like a daredevil to me.
Well It is a lot of blood.
There you go, Doug.
Give the devil his due.
To be honest, I didn't want to go out with you because of what you said on the tape.
I just kind of liked the shape of your head.
Thank you.
It's one of my nicer features.
Yeah.
Here.
Oh, thanks.
Fresh Maryland crabs, huh? Oh! For the pride of Baltimore.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Ooh.
Careful.