Doug (1991) s04e11 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
HAVE YOU BEEN SO BROKE
YOU HAD TO CASH IN PENNIES?
WELL, HELLO THERE, YANCEY.
HOW ARE
YOU TODAY?
MY NAME'S DOUG.
AREN'T YOU
PHILIP FUNNIE'S BOY?
YEAH.
I THOUGHT SO.
YOU HERE TO
ROB THE BANK?
YEAH, YEAH, GOOD ONE.
EXCUSE ME.
Woman:
OH, UH YES.
THAT'S 50s AND
100s, PLEASE.
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM,
YOU DROPPED THIS.
OH, WHY, THANK YOU.
I SWANEE,
I'D LOSE MY HEAD
IF IT WEREN'T BOLTED TO MY NECK.
Woman:
NEXT!
HEY,
MRS. SCHROEDER.
HI, THERE,
DOUGLAS.
BUYING OU
THE BANK AGAIN?
NO, JUST CASHING IN
MY PENNIES.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT HERE.
ONE, TWO, THREE $5.50.
THANKS SEE YOU.
HOW ABOUT A SHAKE A
THE HONKER BURGER-- MY TREAT?
SEE YOU LATER,
YANCEY.
DON'T SPEND IT ALL IN ONE PLACE.
[ laughs]
YEAH.
[ laughs]
RIGHT.
OH, MAN.
HEY, LOOK.
MONEY!
HOLY COW,
THIS IS A TON OF MONEY.
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ hinge creaks]
I'VE NEVER SEEN SO
MUCH MONEY IN MY LIFE.
WHOSE DO YOU THINK
IT IS?
[ barks]
I KNOW, FINDERS KEEPERS,
LOSERS WEEPERS
BUT MAYBE ITS OWNER
WILL MISS IT.
[ crying]
OH, MOMO.
ALL THE MONEY WE'VE SAVED
FOR THE WINTER IS GONE.
WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO NOW?
[ whines]
[ balloon pops and sputters]
DON'T FRET, LITTLE BOBO
FOR SOME LUCKY LITTLE BOY
AND HIS DOG
WILL STUMBLE UPON THIS FORTUNE
AND LIVE HAPPILY
AND RICHLY EVER AFTER.
[ laughs]
[ sighs]
COME ON, PORKCHOP.
YOU KNOW WHA
WE GOT TO DO.
Man:
Freeze!
Up against the wall
and spread them!
WHAT'S YOUR STORY, KID?
OH, UH
I FOUND THIS MONEY
IN A GUTTER.
IT MIGHT BELONG
TO SOMEBODY.
HOLY GUACAMOLE!
THIS IS A LOT OF DOUGH, KID.
YOU FOUND COLD, HARD CASH
AND YOU BROUGHT IT HERE?
YES, SIR.
HEY, GUYS, GET A LOAD OF THIS.
KID FINDS SOME CASH
AND ACTUALLY TURNS IT IN!
[ murmurs of disbelief]
I STOOD THERE FEELING LIKE SOME
KIND OF FREAK IN A SIDESHOW.
HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.
STEP RIGHT UP TO SEE
OTIS THE FROG BOY
THE VOLCANO GIRL
AND OUR FEATURE ATTRACTION:
DOUG, THE AMAZING HONEST BOY.
HE FOUND A FORTUNE
AND HE GAVE IT AWAY.
[ laughing]
WHAT WAS THE BIG DEAL?
I DID WHAT ANYBODY
WOULD HAVE DONE, DIDN'T I?
YOU'RE A WEIRDO,
FUNNIE.
NOBODY IN THE UNIVERSE
WOULD TURN IN FREE MONEY
EXCEPT YOU.
IT BELONGS TO
SOMEBODY ELSE.
OH, MAN, TELL ME
I'M NOT HEARING
WHAT I'M HEARING.
YOU COULD HAVE KEPT IT AND,
DUH HAD THE MONEY.
I WOULD HAVE TAKEN
IT OFF YOUR HANDS.
WHAT A WEIRDO!
I'M NOT THE ONLY GUY THA
WOULD HAVE TURNED IT IN, AM I?
[ kids disagree]
SKEET, DO YOU THINK
I'M A WEIRDO?
SURE BUT IS
THERE ANYTHING WRONG
WITH BEING A WEIRDO?
GREAT NOW I WAS A WEIRDO,
AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH
I THOUGHT IT WAS
THE RIGHT THING.
RIGHT AND WRONG--
SUCH BOURGEOIS CONCEPTS.
IT WAS YOUR DESTINY
TO FIND THAT MONEY.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, JUDY.
MR. DESTINY CALLED AND
DOUGIE PUT HIM ON HOLD.
JUDITH!
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
I THINK YOU DID
THE RIGHT THING.
YEAH, THANKS, MOM.
DOUG, EXACTLY
HOW MUCH WAS I
THAT YOU DID THE
RIGHT THING WITH?
PHIL!
SORRY.
MAYBE IT WAS
THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME.
[ imitating
Herve Villechaize:]
LOOK, BOSS
THE PLANE, THE PLANE!
[ excited chatter]
Patti:
WHAT A DREAM!
WELCOME TO FUNNIE ISLAND,
WHERE YOUR FANTASIES COME TRUE.
ROGER, SHOW
OUR GUESTS
TO THEIR RICHES,
FAME AND FORTUNE.
RIGHT, BOSS.
OH, DOUG, YOU'RE MY FANTASY.
[ echoing]:
FANTASY FANTASY.
AFTER A WHILE,
I'D PRACTICALLY FORGOTTEN
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING, UNTIL
Doug:
HELLO, OFFICER.
WHAT'S YOUR STORY, KID?
YOU CALLED
ME IN.
I'M THE WEIRDO
WHO TURNED IN THE
COLD, HARD CASH.
OH, IT'S YOU!
WAIT RIGHT THERE.
DON'T MOVE.
[ blows whistle]
[ both scream]
All:
CONGRATULATIONS!
WAY TO GO, DOUGIE.
THAT'S RIGHT, KID.
NO ONE CLAIMED IT IN 30 DAYS.
THE LAW SAYS IT'S YOURS.
HERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE RICH!
WHOO-WHOO!
WE'RE RICH.
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.
HEY, WEIRDO.
WHAT YOU BEEN DOING?
ROLLING PENNIES?
[ laughs]
NO.
[ kids gasp]
JOEY KOOKAMUNGA!
CAN I HELP YOU UP,
MR. FUNNIE?
HEY, GUYS,
DID YOU SEE
THE LOAD OF MAZUMA FUNNIE HAS?
[ children ooh and ahh]
HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?
BEAUTIFUL DAY
FOR SHOPPING.
CAN I MAKE YOU
A CAPPUCCINO?
SUDDENLY, I DIDN'T FEEL
LIKE A WEIRDO ANYMORE.
I FELT WELL, RICH.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW, PORKCHOP?
HONESTY ISTHE BEST POLICY.
100 200 300 4
HELLO, MR. DESTINY, I'M HOME.
2,900 3,000.
[ laughs]
I GUESS NICE GUYS CAN
FINISH FIRST AFTER ALL.
14,445
14,446
[ together with woman's voice:]
$14,447.
HUH?
I remember
I was at the bank
with my envelope
of money
got in my car and now
I don't know where it is!
That's bad, isn't it?
Yes!
I swanee, I'd lose my head
if it weren't bolted to my neck.
I THINK
I'M GOING TO BE SICK.
OH MY MONEY BELONGS
TO A LITTLE OLD LADY.
WHY ME?
OH, DOUGIE,
THIS IS WONDERFUL.
HUH?
YOUR DILEMMA IS SOMETHING
OUT OF SHAKESPEARE!
NOT HIM AGAIN.
ON THE ONE HAND
YOU LEGALLY OWN
A WAD OF MONEY--
MORE MONEY THAN YOU'LL
PROBABLY EVER HAVE
FOR THE RES
OF YOUR LIFE--
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND
YOU KNOW WHO THE
MONEY BELONGED TO.
TO KEEP, OR TO WEEP:
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
BYE.
I'M GOING TO KEEP IT.
THIS MONEY IS LEGALLY MINE.
THAT LADY
DIDN'T CLAIM IT.
I'M GUILT-FREE, AND NOTHING'S
GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND.
Hopphogue:
FORECLOSED?
SORRY, WE
TOOK EVERYTHING.
BUT THE MONEY'S
HERE SOMEPLACE.
I KNOW IT IS.
I SWANEE,
I'D LOSE MY HEAD
IF IT WASN'T BOLTED
TO MY NECK.
SORRY, TOOK THE BOLTS, TOO.
OH, NO!
[ growls]
Kids:
HI, DOUG.
GOOD MORNING,
HOW'S YOUR MONEY?
I MEAN, HOW ARE YOU?
OUT OF MY WAY.
[ kids gasp]
HE'S GONE
ECCENTRIC.
Kids:
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHERE DO YOU
THINK HE'S GOING?
[ gulps]
YES, MAY I HELP YOU?
LADY, I THINK
THIS BELONGS TO YOU.
[ kids gasp]
OH, MY GOODNESS!
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
OH, HOW CAN I
EVER REPAY YOU?
OH! HOLD ON
A MINUTE.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'LL GET SOME CASH
OUT OF THIS AFTER ALL.
I HOPE YOU
LIKE SPEARMINT.
THANK YOU AGAIN,
YOUNG MAN.
I'LL NEVER FORGE
YOU FOR THIS.
HA!
GOODY GUM!
I HOPE YOU GOT ENOUGH
FOR EVERYBODY.
GO AHEAD, SAY IT.
I'M A WEIRDO.
I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
[ car horn honks]
HEY, DOUG.
JUDY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I SAW WHAT YOU DID.
AND YOU THINK I'M A WEIRDO, TOO.
HOP IN.
LET'S GO GET A SHAKE.
I'D LOVE TO, JUDY,
BUT I'M BROKE.
MY TREAT.
COME ON.
YOU EARNED IT.
YOU KNOW,
SOMETIMES IT CAN COST A LO
TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
TODAY IT COST ME $14,447.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
GETTING A FREE SHAKE OUT OF JUDY
ALMOST MAKES
THE WHOLE THING WORTH IT.
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL, THE MOODY SCHOOL
ALWAYS MEANS TROUBLE.
WE JUST WENT TO GET JUDY.
WE HADN'T COUNTED ON
JUDY'S LATEST BOYFRIEND.
AFTER MOM'S NEO-EXPRESSIONIS
PERFORMANCE PIECE CLOSES
WE GO TO THE
NOUVELLE VAGUEFESTIVAL
FOR DAD'S GRUNGE
OPERA PREMIERE.
[ car horn honks]
LOOK AT THE TIME!
SEE YOU
TOMORROW, KYLE.
OKAY, MOTHER,
DRIVE!
Kyle:
HEY, JUDY.
WHAT'S THE RUSH?
HI, I'M KYLE.
OH, SO YOU'RE KYLE.
I'VE HEARD SO
MUCH ABOUT YOU.
MOTHER, GAS IT UP.
SEE YOU, KYLE.
YOU MUST COME
FOR DINNER SOMETIME.
SOUNDS GREAT.
WHEN?
HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?
YOU HAVE THAT THING
TONIGHT, REMEMBER?
THING?
WHAT THING?
THAT IMPORTANT THING
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY MISS.
I DON'T KNOW WHA
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
DINNER'S AT 7:00.
GREAT, SEE YOU TONIGHT.
[ moans]
WELL, HE SEEMS
LIKE A NICE BOY
BUT WHAT WERE YOU
GOING ON ABOUT?
I AM NEVER SPEAKING
TO YOU AGAIN!
[ screams]
SO WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ barks]
Mother:
I THOUGHT
Judy:
WHAT ABOUT MY THOUGHTS?
THEY WERE AT EACH OTHER'S
THROATS ALL AFTERNOON.
I WAS STAYING OUT OF IT.
THE NERVE OF THAT WOMAN!
THE GALL THINKING SHE
COULD INTERFERE IN OUR LIVES!
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BACK ME UP.
NO WAY, I'M NO
TAKING SIDES.
BUT SHE JUST INVITED
THE COOLEST BOY I'VE KNOWN
IN MY EARTHLY EXISTENCE
TO MEET OUR
PEDESTRIAN, BOURGEOIS
BOLOGNA-AND-MAYONNAISE-
EATING FAMILY.
WE'RE NOT THA
BAD, ARE WE?
NOT THAT BAD?
REMEMBER MY LAST BOYFRIEND'S
VISIT?
[ clock ticks loudly]
[ chewing and gulping loudly]
[ clock ticking continues]
[ loud scraping]
[ salt shakes loudly
from shaker]
[ chewing loudly]
GRAVY?
[ crying]
OKAY, SO DINNER ISN'
ALWAYS EXCITING.
IF ONLY MOM AND DAD
WERE PAINTERS
OR NUCLEAR SCIENTISTS
OR HUNCHBACKS.
COME ON, JUDY.
YOU WANT THEM TO BE CHARACTERS
IN ONE OF
YOUR STUPID PLAYS.
HMM.
OH, NO, JUDY, NO.
THANKS, DOUGIE.
FORGET I SAID THAT, PLEASE.
[ sighs]
[ Bizet's "Toreador Song"
fromCarmen plays on organ]
PRINCESS, YOUR MOM
SAYS WE'RE GOING
TO MEET
IT'S ONLY AN HOUR
BEFORE KYLE ARRIVES.
YOU'VE GO
LINES TO LEARN.
LINES?
YES, NOW
YOU'RE PLAYING
A POET AND NOVELIS
LIVING IN SECLUSION
AFTER A LIFE OF PIRACY.
JUDY, ARE YOU
FEELING OKAY?
AND YOU, MOTHER
ARE A GROUNDBREAKING
ANTHROPOLOGIS
WHO STUDIED THE MAGUANO
POTATO WORSHIPERS.
I HOPE THERE'S
NO BOLOGNA IN THIS.
JUDITH, THIS IS SILLY.
[ doorbell rings]
I'LL GET IT.
DEAR, DEAR.
BREAK A LEG.
WE'VE GOT TO
GET THIS STUFF
BACK TO THE
THEATER DEPARTMENT.
Judy:
NO PROBLEM.
WE NEED TO WORK FAST.
WE CAN'T PLAYAC
FOR YOU.
YOU GOT ME INTO THIS MESS
AND YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME
OUT OF IT.
SO WHAT'S MY MOTIVATION
IN THIS SCENE?
ANGER YOU HAVEN'
WRITTEN ANYTHING
BECAUSE OF THE BOREDOM
OF SMALL-TOWN LIFE.
YOU'RE BITTER--
TRY SMASHING THINGS.
MOVE, PLEASE.
Judy:
OKAY, PEOPLE
FROM THE TOP OF SCENE THREE.
HONEY, THE
TRANSCENDENT PIQUANCY
OF THIS LASAGNA
RECALLS MY YOUTHFUL DAYS
ON THE SPANISH MAIN.
YOU LIKE IT?
IT IS A SPECIAL RECIPE
WHICH I LEARNED
FROM THE TROPICAL
RAIN FOREST NATIVES.
OH, MY WRITER'S BLOCK!
Judy:
STOP! STOP! STOP!
YOU ARE JUMPING
AHEAD, DADDY.
THIS WAS GETTING WEIRD!
I COULD IMAGINE
WHAT JUDY HAD IN STORE FOR ME.
Judy:
HELLO, KYLE.
MEET MY BROTHER:
BLUFFINGTON'S WILD BOY.
HE WAS RAISED
BY WOLVES.
BUT THEN AGAIN
KYLE, MEET MY BROTHER:
AGENT 000 FROM MI-5.
PLEASURE TO
MEET YOU, KYLE.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE A PRESIDENT TO SAVE.
THIS COULD BE GREAT.
OKAY, DOUGIE,
HERE'S YOUR COSTUME.
COOL! I AM
A SECRET AGENT.
CLOSE THE BUTLER.
WELL, WHY CAN'T I
HAVE A COOL PAR
LIKE SECRET AGENT?
DOUGIE, I'M
AN ACTRESS.
MOM WORSHIPS POTATOES
AND DAD'S AN EX-PIRATE.
I TRIED TO FIND
YOU A GOOD PAR
BUT YOU'RE JUS
WAY TOO DULL
FOR THIS FAMILY.
OKAY, LET'S SE
THE LIGHT CUES.
TOO DULL FOR THIS FAMILY, HUH?
WELL, WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT.
I THINK I HAVE THE WRONG HOUSE.
WHOA!
GOOD EVENING, SIR.
MISS JUDY AWAITS
IN THE DRAWING ROOM.
OH, KYLE, SO GOOD
OF YOU TO DROP BY.
HEY, JUDY.
BY THE WAY,
WHO IS THAT?
OH, THAT'S YANCEY,
THE BUTLER.
[ yawns]
Kyle:
STRANGE.
HE LOOKS
FAMILIAR.
AND THESE ARE
MY PARENTS.
HELLO, KYLE.
SORRY, WE'RE LATE
BUT I WAS PREPARING
MY ANTHROPOLOGICAL LECTURE
ON THE AU GRATIN RITUAL
OF THE MAGUANO TRIBE.
UH HI.
ARE YOU THE SAME MOM
FROM THIS AFTERNOON?
[ Doug clears throat]
PHONE CALL FOR MASTER KYLE.
I DIDN'T HEAR
ANY PHONE.
THIS WAY, PLEASE.
UH WHERE'S
THE PHONE?
SHHH!
YOUR LIFE MAY BE
IN DANGER.
WHAT?
IF YOU NEED HELP
CALL ME ON THE SPONGE
BUT BE CAREFUL
THEY MUSTN'T REALIZE I AM
ACTUALLY SPECIAL AGENT
OH, THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO
DOING IN HERE?
JUST GETTING THE HORS
D'OEUVRES, MISS JUDY.
[ laughs]
[ elephant trumpets]
AND AS I
BID GOOD-BYE
TO THE TRIBE
CHIEF TATERTO
PRESENTED ME
WITH THIS
CEREMONIAL TOTEM.
OH, UH NEAT,
MRS. FUNNIE.
IN HONOR OF
YOUR VISIT, KYLE
WE PREPARED THE RARES
OF MAGUANO DISHES.
PLEASE, PARTAKE
OF THESE PEAS.
OH, MY WRITER'S
BLOCK.
OH! THE AGONY!
IT'S BEEN HARD
THESE PAST 25 YEARS.
HUH?
[ gagging]
DON'T MIND
YANCEY.
EVER SINCE THE
ALIEN ABDUCTION
HE HASN'
BEEN THE SAME.
[ clears throat]
OH, MY WRITER'S BLOCK!
Judy:OH, YES
DAD'S HAVING TROUBLE
WITH HIS BOOK.
UH, YEAH IN FACT,
IT'S A NIGHTMARE.
MOTHER, READ US
PART OF YOUR LECTURE.
BUT THAT'S NOT UNTIL
SCENE NUMBER 4, RIGHT?
JUST READ IT.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
LET ME SEE.
Kyle:
THERE'S A BOMB IN THE LASAGNA?
A BOMB IN
THE LASAGNA!
GREAT SCOTT!
[ yells]
YANCEY!
SON!
THEY GOT ME, KYLE,
THEY GOT ME.
I'M A GONER.
[ gasps]
YOU'LL NEVER GE
AWAY WITH IT, JUDY.
YOU CAN KILL ME, BU
THERE'LL BE OTHERS.
[ laughs]
WHY ARE YOU
ALL LAUGHING?
KYLE
IT WASN'T SUPPOSED
TO BE THIS WAY.
IT'S RUINED.
I GOT THE FEELING
I'D GONE TOO FAR.
DID I DO
SOMETHING WRONG?
NO, KYLE,
NOT AT ALL.
I'M AFRAID
IT'S BEEN A VERY WEIRD DAY.
Doug:
JUDY?
ARE YOU OKAY?
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
WHY DID YOU
WRECK EVERYTHING?
I'M SORRY, JUDY,
BUT YOU JUST MADE ME SO MAD
TELLING US ALL HOW
BORING AND STUPID WE WERE
MAKING ME
THE BUTLER.
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
I WAS JUST SCARED
HE WOULDN'T LIKE ME.
I'VE NEVER LIKED
ANYBODY AS MUCH
UH JUDY,
DO YOU WANT ME TO GO?
NO! NO.
I MEAN, IF
YOU WANT TO.
I GUESS
YOU CAN DECIDE
AFTER I TELL
THE TRUTH
WHAT?
THE PERFORMANCE PIECE?
YOU KNEW I
WAS A PERFORMANCE?
YEAH WASN'T I SUPPOSED TO?
WELL, NO, WE WERE
OF COURSE WHA
DID YOU THINK?
WELL, THERE WERE
A FEW PROBLEMS
IN SCENE THREE
BUT IT ALL CAME
TOGETHER FOR ME
WHEN THE SECRE
AGENT DOVE ON
THE LASAGNA.
SO JUDY'S ACT
DIDN'T FOOL ANYBODY
EXCEPT JUDY.
I GUESS IT'S NORMAL TO BE
EMBARRASSED ABOUT YOUR FAMILY
MAYBE BECAUSE YOU
SEE THEM EVERY DAY.
THANKS FOR DINNER,
SEE YOU LATER.
TO OTHERS, YOUR FAMILY
ISN'T BORING AT ALL.
[ laughs]
BYE SEE YOU SOON.
CIAO, BELLO.