Drop Dead Diva s04e11 Episode Script
Family Matters
See that aspiring model there? That was me Deb until the day I died.
I thought I'd go straight to heaven, but there was a bit of a mix-up and I woke up in someone else's body.
So now I'm Jane, a super-busy lawyer with my very own assistant.
I got a new life, a new wardrobe, and the only people who really know what's going on with me are my girlfriend Stacy and my guardian angel, Luke.
I used to think everything happened for a reason Whoo! and, well, I sure hope I was right.
Drop Dead Diva 4x11 - Family Matters Original air date August 19, 2012 for an innocent night of fun and is now lying in this hospital on life support.
On behalf of Jenny's mother, we are filing a gross negligence suit against rave promoter Dennis Fullman.
Mr.
Fullman created an environment that allowed dangerous drugs to be peddled to minors.
Councilman Phillips.
The city council intends to make sure this tragedy is never repeated.
We pray for Jenny's recovery.
People are gonna say that I'm exploiting my daughter, suing the promoter for money.
No, this lawsuit is how we make sure this never happens to anyone else's child.
Beth, we've known each other a long time.
Trust me.
You're doing the right thing.
I've seen my son at least once a week since he was born.
He's 3 now.
I can't just walk away.
Well, unless I've missed something, you shouldn't have to.
You know I'm the sperm donor, right? I mean, I didn't have sex with his mother.
Yes, we do.
And under the law, the method of insemination dictates the rights of the donor.
The method of insemination was a plastic turkey baster.
I ejaculated into a cup I think we get it.
And it's actually good news, because without the involvement of a doctor or a sperm bank, legally, you're the father.
Carrie's fiancé doesn't agree.
He's a lawyer.
And a jerk.
He wants to legally adopt Charlie.
Which is why they're asking you to relinquish your parental rights.
Dan, you know no one can force you to terminate your parental status.
Right.
You've got all the leverage here.
We'll figure this out.
Hey.
How you holding up? The last time I was in this lobby, Jenny was born.
And now Beth Beth she sacrificed everything everything for her little girl.
And and Jenny is the last person that you would expect to O.
D.
at a rave.
I mean, it's just it's not her.
Teenagers are reckless.
And when I think about the things I did Well yeah, it's a wonder any of us survived.
Thank you for taking the case.
Of course.
She's your friend.
Oh, so I had Teri collect medical records.
Apparently 23 attendees were admitted to the hospital.
I mean, that's a high number, even for a rave.
Well, that could bolster the negligence claim.
That's what I was thinking.
- All right.
- Excuse me? You're the lawyer from TV, right.
Hi.
I'm Jane Bingum, and this is Owen French.
Hello.
I'm Jenny's friend Carla.
I was with her the night of the rave when she collapsed.
I'm so sorry.
Carla, I might need to ask you some questions.
Would that be okay? Whatever you need.
Um But is it okay if I see Jenny? Of course you can.
Uh, 409.
- Okay.
Thanks.
- Down to the left.
- Hey, one sec.
Sorry.
- Sure.
Hey, Stace.
Thar har look awethum.
- What? - Sorry.
I'm licking wedding-invitation envelopes.
Your hair looked awesome on the TV.
Oh, my God.
I wasn't even thinking about my hair.
We're always thinking about our hair.
So, listen.
I still need one address Owen's father.
Right.
Um, I will get it for you.
Mm-Hmm.
I've heard that before.
Bye, Stace.
So, I hate to bother you with this again.
I'll get you the address.
Stacy's a loud phone-talker.
It's just we've had this conversation three times, and it is your father.
I mean, do you even know his address? We should get you back to the office.
Owen.
Please.
Let's just focus on the case, okay? Okay.
This is pretty straightforward.
Under the law, Dan is the father.
We understand the law, but but we don't want the child to be confused.
We're getting married, and it's in Charlie's best interest to have one male authority figure.
Well, our position is simple.
Without guaranteed visitation, Dan won't relinquish his parental rights.
Well, our position is also simple.
As you know, parental rights carry financial obligations, and from what I understand, you haven't paid one cent Rick.
No.
If they want to play hardball, we're gonna sue for child support.
We actually hadn't discussed any I'll pay whatever I can if it means I can see Charlie.
Stop.
Charlie and Carrie are moving in with me.
So, if you show up at my house, I will call the cops.
Honey, let's go.
Our client has rights.
We'll fight for visitation, and we'll win.
We'll see you in court.
- Hey! - Hi, sweetie.
What are you doing home in the middle of the day? Well, I wore my super-high Louboutins to the press conference to give me authority on TV, and now my feet are killing me.
Mm-Hmm.
So, this is the last invitation.
Mr.
Thomas French.
- You have his address, right? - No.
Apparently Owen doesn't want to talk about his father right now.
Why? I have no idea.
I mean, what does anyone want me to do? Oh.
Maybe Thomas French is a Russian spy.
Or in the mob.
Oh! Or a female impersonator in Witness Protection.
I mean, that would be really fun at the wedding.
And make a hilarious movie.
- Stace.
- What? Seriously.
I don't like Owen keeping secrets from me.
You know what? I'll have Teri track down his dad's number, I'll ask him about the problem, and then I'll mediate.
And I'm sure Owen won't resent you at all for that.
Sweetie, let me talk to Owen.
I'll get it out of him.
.
I am an excellent pryer.
The trick is to pretend their problem is your problem.
You know what? Great.
Fine.
Pry away.
Thank you.
It's an envelope addressed to a Ms.
Jane Bingum and Mr.
Owen French.
It's your first wedding present! Maybe it's a gift card to Bloomingdale's.
New handbags.
Ooh! Let's go shopping.
"Drop the case or else.
" Hmm? What? Oh my God.
Stacy, that's that's Owen.
This is a death threat against Owen.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Whatever you do, please don't tell Owen about the death threat.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
That was the presiding judge.
Sheriffs are assigning Owen a full-time security detail.
Good.
But why don't you want Owen to know what's going on? Because he's got a heart condition, and this is the last thing he needs.
I'm confused.
Why don't they just arrest the rave promoter? I wish, but we can't prove that the threat's from him.
Well, then, you need to drop the case.
Beth will find another lawyer.
No.
I can't.
I can't.
- Owen wouldn't want me to do that.
- Ah.
You don't want Owen to know about the threat because it would stress him out, and you can't drop the case because then Owen would know about the threat.
Exactly.
So, I just have to pretend that everything is fine, even though I'm scared to death.
Carrie and I met at the local dog park and became quick friends.
And 10 years later, she asked you to father her child? That's right.
So how exactly did the insemination process play out? Carrie called me and said she was ovulating.
I-I raced over, went into the bathroom, took care of things, then Carrie went into her bedroom and inseminated herself.
And from there Your Honor, we're sorry to interrupt.
Gentlemen, we're in session here.
F.
D.
A.
enforcement.
We have a warrant for the arrest of Dan Abraham.
Mr.
Abraham, can you please stand up? On what charges? Illegal tissue trafficking.
What? What tissue? Human sperm.
Mr.
Abraham has donated his sperm to over a dozen women and fathered five children.
Your Honor, we didn't know about the other donations, but it shouldn't matter.
You can't arrest someone for donating sperm.
Judge, a little help here? Nothing I can do.
A federal warrant supercedes my authority.
Let's go.
Dan, we'll met you in holding.
Don't say anything to anyone, okay? Donating sperm is not a crime.
It is if the F.
D.
A.
believes you're operating an illegal sperm bank, which I guess they do.
And you called them, didn't you? I'm a concerned citizen.
You're trying to give Dan a criminal record to prove he's an unfit parent.
- And strip him of his visitation.
- That's right.
Come on, Carrie.
Let's go.
Stacy.
Do you have a minute? Of course.
Please.
Come in.
A lot of security.
Must be a big celebrity divorce.
Please, sit down.
What can I do for you? Well, uh, I'm a little worried about Jane.
What's wrong? I think the stress of the wedding might be getting to her, and it's kind of my fault.
I'm her maid of honor, and I have just been so busy dealing with my own drama about my father.
Oh.
I'm, uh I'm sorry to hear that.
Is there anything I can do to help? Well, my father and I have been fighting about all sorts of various things, and it just drives me crazy.
And do you get crazy when you fight with your parents? Your dad, specifically? Nope.
Really? Okay.
Maybe you could advise me on how to deal with my father.
I actually haven't spoken to my father in a year and a half.
- Really? No way.
- Why not? You know, it it could help me And, therefore, Jane.
My dad is a corn farmer.
One night, he had a vision.
He woke up in a cold sweat like a man possessed, and he went outside and he plowed under the family farm.
Built a baseball field.
Wow.
Crazy pants.
Exactly.
And he kept muttering to himself, "if you build it, he will come.
" Who will come? Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Isn't he the bartender at Taco Surf? Not so much.
Stacy We lost everything.
Everything.
I've never been able to forgive him.
That is so sad.
Well, if it's okay, do you mind if I'm alone? I it's just it's hard reliving that story and I I understand.
Thank you.
Bye.
Hey, boss.
Your hoity-toity wedding caterer just called.
Robert Bardem? Yeah, he said that he can fit you and Owen in for a menu tasting in half an hour.
No, no, no, no.
That's impossible.
I've got a settlement conference.
Reschedule.
That's impossible.
Robert's assistant told me not even J.
Lo canceled her tasting for her first or third weddings.
You've canceled twice.
You don't show up, you may as well kiss your dream caterer goodbye.
Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.
- You are Jane Bingum.
- What? - Go to the tasting, say that you're me.
- What about Owen? Oh! You're Owen.
You are Jane.
The two of you are getting married.
Now go meet your caterer.
Okay.
Just say "yum" and "delicious" a lot.
Actually, shorten it to "delish.
" Get our wedding on the books.
And put on a tie.
You're a judge.
For our wedding, I won't be wearing white.
I did nothing wrong.
Your daughter O.
D.
'd.
Not my fault.
What my client means to say is that while he's sorry about Ms.
Evans' daughter, he's in no way responsible.
I think the jury's gonna see this differently.
You market these parties to minors and then turn a blind eye to drug use.
Not to mention the inadequate access for EMTs.
Ms.
Bingum Are you sure you really want to pursue this case? Excuse me? A simple question.
Are you sure? I'm sorry, Beth.
I-I'm not feeling well.
We'll pick this up later.
Jane.
Aah! Oh! Oh, my God.
Do not sneak up on me like that! Ugh! Well, technically, you snuck up on me, but whatever.
Okay.
So, I know why Owen doesn't speak to his father.
Stacy, I am in the middle of a horrendous case with a death threat.
Wait.
Why doesn't Owen speak to his father? Okay.
His dad used to be a corn farmer who went crazy and built this baseball field for a guy who never showed.
Stace, that's the plot of "A field of dreams," but with a much sadder ending.
Ugh.
I thought it sounded familiar.
Thanks for trying.
Mm.
So how is the case going? I can't focus, 'cause I keep thinking my fiancé is gonna be killed.
You know, and I feel awful for Beth, but I am just not an effective advocate.
I don't know what to do.
Welcome to bardem catering.
I am Robert.
And I'm Jane Bingum.
I'm Owen P - French.
- French.
Owen French.
Just like the language or the toast.
I create a menu that has meaning to the couple, so I need to get to know you.
Tell me how you met.
- In court.
- In a bar.
He was so drunk that he thought he was still at court.
He kept overruling everything.
"Whiskey sour, overruled.
" Tell me about the proposal.
Oh, you mean the double-barrel shotgun she was holding? What? I'm kidding.
Come on.
Brides.
Am I right? Up high, bro.
Hit it! No? Okay.
All right.
How about we jump right in? Our flagship appetizer, tuna tartare with truffle oil drizzle.
Mmm, delicious.
Mr.
French? Sorry, I'm not a raw-fish kind of guy.
On the form, Ms.
Bingum told me that your first date was over Sushi.
Oh, this is Sushi.
I did Ohh! Mmm! Delish.
I'll be back with another option.
If I wanted to eat raw seafood, I would go to the ocean and open my mouth.
We are doing this for Jane.
You better start pretending that you love this food and you love me, and stop checking out the hot sous chef.
Jealous? You are such a cliché.
"Oh, I'm a hot sous chef.
Watch me pound this cutlet.
" Robert, you're back.
Hey.
Ms.
Bingum, I love catering weddings, but only when there's true love.
We are desperately in love.
Give us another chance.
- Look, we're gonna make out right now.
- W Get out! Thank you.
All right, we paid your bail.
You'll be released in a few hours.
Thank you.
Dan, the F.
D.
A.
says you could be looking at a year in jail, as well as a $100,000 fine.
Because I donated sperm? They're classifying your actions as trafficking in human tissue.
They could go after you the same way they would go after someone who sold a kidney.
I can't believe this.
I was trying to be a good guy.
Well, you weren't entirely up front with us.
Five kids? Different mothers? Well, I didn't think it was relevant.
I mean, initially, it was just a favor for Carrie.
Then after Charlie was born, one of her friends saw her beautiful baby and asked if I'd help her out, too.
But before you know it, you're Johnny Apple-sperm? I guess.
Are you in touch with any of the other children? No.
I made that clear up front.
Just like I made it clear that I would have a relationship with Charlie.
Carrie's the only mother who was also a friend.
The F.
D.
A.
claims you're exposing the moms and kids to health risks.
A sperm bank does a lot of testing.
And so do I.
Before every donation, I screen for infectious diseases, and I've been genetically tested for carrier traits.
I do everything a sperm bank does, except I don't charge the women a penny.
I'd rather they spend their money raising their child than trying to conceive one.
What's wrong with that? In my book, absolutely nothing.
Well, the judge will interpret the law against you.
The F.
D.
A.
policy is clear.
So we find a way to go around the judge.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd the, uh how'd the settlement go? Oh, it got tabled.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I I'm not a paranoid person, but I swear to God I'm being followed.
This morning when I parked my car, there were these two guys behind me, and then when I was at the coffee cart an hour later, same two guys in line.
It's probably just a coincidence.
Then I'm on the third-floor men's room, standing at the urinal.
Guess who's peeing next to me.
Sweetie, everyone's got to pee.
Jane, seriously.
Something is going on.
Okay.
They're judicial security detail.
What? I got a note threatening your life if I didn't drop Beth's case.
And I think it's from the rave promoter.
I just can't prove it.
Why didn't you tell me? Because I didn't want to upset you.
Your heart Well, look how that worked out.
I can't believe the jackass tried to get to you - by going after me.
- You know what? I'm excusing myself from this case.
No, you're not.
See? And this is why I didn't want to tell you.
I didn't become a judge so I could back down from a threat.
Now, look, just call off the security detail.
What if something happens to you? I can't handle that.
I am not gonna allow anyone anyone to intimidate me or the woman that I love.
The city is taking a keen interest in the civil case against rave promoter Dennis Fullman.
Now, as I've said before, nothing's more important than the safety of our children.
Excuse me.
- Ms.
Bingum.
- Councilman.
Ms.
Evans, how's Jenny? No change.
I'm sorry.
The whole city's behind you.
Do you feel good about the case? We do.
We do.
And I'd like to thank you and the city for all your support.
Sure.
There were mobs of people.
It was hot, and the music was loud.
Jenny and I got in line to buy water, and the line was hardly moving.
And then Jenny started sweating and shaking.
And then she collapsed.
I know this is really hard for you, Carla.
Can you tell us what happened next? I started screaming for help, but between all the music and the people How long before the paramedics showed up? It seemed like, I don't know, a half-hour.
They couldn't get to us with all the people.
Thank you.
Miss Middlen did you know that Jenny had an ecstasy tablet in her pocket when she was brought to the hospital? Remember, you're under oath.
Yes.
This is a photo of the tab of ecstasy that was removed from Jenny's pocket.
Do you see the embossed stamp on the tablet? Yes.
It looks like a sneaker.
Your Honor, we'd like to submit the crime-lab ecstasy database.
Some dealers brand their pills.
The, uh, green sneaker can be traced back to a Deezy Jones.
Miss Middlen, do you recognize this Facebook page? Yes, it's mine.
And one of your friends is Deezy Jones? Yes.
On June 23rd, the day before the rave, you and Deezy sent messages to each other planning to, I quote, "see Molly.
" Isn't "Molly" slang for ecstasy? Yes.
So you were arranging to buy drugs.
Yes.
Just for yourself? No.
For me and Jenny.
I am so sorry, Mrs.
Evans.
I'm so sorry.
You bought several ecstasy tablets.
When did Jenny take the first one? Before the rave, at my house.
Your Honor, considering the testimony we just heard, the defense wishes to implead Carla Middlen as a co-defendant.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait.
Excuse me? Miss Middlen procured the drugs therefore, she bears responsibility as to what happened to her friend.
Counsel, in my chambers now.
Your Honor, he wants to implead a teenager.
We have grounds.
He knows that we do not want to sue Carla.
If you agree to implead her, we won't have a choice.
Then drop the suit.
We won't complain.
Mr.
Cummings? Carla bought drugs and gave them to Jenny prior to the rave.
She collapsed at your client's event.
The EMTs couldn't get to her.
Enough.
Mr.
Cummings has raised sufficient evidence of shared culpability.
I'm granting his request to add Carla as a defendant.
Commissioner Seaton, the law banning tissue trafficking is meant to apply to organs like lungs and kidneys, not sperm.
The F.
D.
A.
regulates all human tissues.
Technically, that includes semen.
- That's crazy.
- Yes, it is.
And it's ridiculous that the F.
D.
A.
would spend their time and money prosecuting our client.
We understand the pressure you're under.
There are budget shortages, and you're responsible for our health and welfare.
We just believe your resources could better be used elsewhere.
Good cop, bad cop.
Nice try, but we're pursuing this case.
Okay, well, then, this bad cop is bringing out her big gun.
Are you aware that there are dozens of websites that connect wannabe moms with willing sperm donors? - I had no idea.
- Well, now that you do, we expect you to shut them all down and prosecute everyone on these sites, men and women, or we'll sue the F.
D.
A.
for selective prosecution.
And if I drop the case against your client? Well, then, I never presented you with this document.
Mr.
Abraham, you're free to go, and the charges are dropped.
Thank you.
Enjoy your lunch.
You guys were amazing.
Thank you.
I think he was talking to me.
Seriously.
You should take that act on the road.
- Excuse me.
Are you Dan Abraham? - Yes.
Why? - You're under arrest.
- What? No, no.
There's been a mistake.
Look, the F.
D.
A.
dropped all the charges related to tissue trafficking.
I'm not with the F.
D.
A.
, sir.
I'm with the L.
A.
P.
D.
What are the charges? Your client is a gay man.
We've been tipped off he's been donated sperm.
You didn't tell us you're gay.
It didn't come up.
Since when is it illegal for a gay man to donate sperm? Since 2005.
Dan, we're gonna figure this out.
For the love of God, I've represented murderers who have had an easier time staying out of jail.
I have been looking everywhere for you.
What are you doing out here? Hiding from Jane.
What are you gonna tell her? We are in this together.
We have to coordinate our lies.
The best lies are simple.
How about, "Robert is a no-go.
His food sucks.
" Too many unanswered questions.
I say we tell her Robert's fingernails were dirty and a cockroach crawled out of the spicy hummus tower.
Jane's not gonna fall for that.
She knows Courtney Cox has cleanliness issues and would have never hired Robert for her divorce party.
We are just gonna have to man up.
Right.
We tell Jane the truth.
Hell, no.
We got to go beg Robert bardem for a second chance.
You wanted to see me? Please tell me it's not true.
It's not true.
So your gay sperm donor is not back in jail? No.
That's true.
What is going on with this case? Bigotry, for starters.
Did you know it's illegal for a man to donate sperm if he's had sex with another man in the past five years? There are legitimate governmental interests in seeing that the sperm pool stays healthy.
The window for HIV testing is a month.
Dan gets tested regularly.
It's homophobia, plain and simple.
Look, African-American men have a higher incidence of sickle-cell anemia, jewish men are more likely to carry tay-sachs, yet they can donate sperm, no questions asked.
Wow, someone's been mainlining Rachel Maddow.
Am I wrong, or is she kind of hot? It's the glasses, right? Okay.
I get it.
This topic makes you uncomfortable.
Probably 'cause you're a sperm donor.
What? Yeah, you knocked up Elisa, remember? Lucky for you, you did it the old-fashioned way instead of with a turkey baster.
You should use that in court.
I mean, does the government have a right to throw you in jail because of how you chose to procreate? I'm just sayin'.
No.
You're right.
Thanks.
We're between a rock and a hard place.
If we continue with this case, we have to go after Carla.
No, Beth won't like that.
Carla may have bought the drugs, but Jenny is her best friend.
I can't believe this happened.
You know what? If we get a judgement against both, we could always forgive Carla's portion.
The trial would put that girl through hell - and even expose her to criminal liability.
- Yeah.
Hey, Beth.
We were just coming to see you.
No.
Owen, uh She's she's gone.
My my baby, she's She's gone.
Hey.
Hey.
How's Beth doing? I got her home.
She's devastated.
Her sister's with her now.
I know she doesn't want to think about this, but what do we do about this case? Well, there's no question if the promoter had provided adequate EMT access that Jenny would be alive now.
I know.
But if Beth continues with the case, Carla's future's gonna be destroyed.
She doest want that.
Don't worry about me.
I am so sorry I didn't tell you the truth about the ecstasy.
I-I was scared.
You know what? It's okay.
No, I don't want you guys to drop the case, not because of me.
- If I hadn't bought those pills, then - We're not blaming you.
Jenny's mom doesn't blame you.
Please tell her to keep fighting.
Jenny didn't have to die.
No one got to her in time.
There was no one there to help her! Officer Andrews, you arrested my client, didn't you? That's right.
And why was that again? L.
A.
P.
D.
was tipped off that he violated the code of federal regulations, title 21, chapter 1, subchapter "l," part 1271.
Men can't donate sperm if they've had homosexual relations in the past five years? That's right.
I see you're wearing a wedding ring.
Do you have children? Yeah, three.
And how exactly were they conceived? I mean, was it missionary or doggy style, maybe a little cowgirl? - Objection! - What?! And, please, don't skimp on the details.
I mean, were they planned pregnancies, or did someone forget to buy condoms? Objection! Sustained.
It's none of your damn business.
You see, that is exactly my point.
The details of how your children were brought into this world are none of my business, this court's business, or the U.
S.
federal government's business.
Ms.
Kaswell, that's enough.
Okay.
Moving on.
The defense calls Sandy Marshall, Lydia Carter, Miriam Stein, and Charlotte Phillips.
Counselor? Your Honor, each of these women conceived their children with the help of Mr.
Abraham.
Objection.
And if the A.
D.
A.
wants to prosecute my client, he's going to need the sworn testimony of each of these women.
So, here they are.
She's right.
Objection overruled.
And in order to elicit such testimony, the prosecutor is going to have to invade the most intimate aspects of these women's lives and ask the exact same questions that horrified this court when I asked them of the arresting officer.
It's not the same thing.
Oh, it's exactly the same thing.
Each count against my client is an impermissible intrusion into the act of procreation, which was granted protection in 1965 by Griswold v.
Connecticut, when the supreme court ruled that the state may not legislate how a woman conceives a child.
And, uh, I don't know about you, judge, but if the federal government wants to get into my bed, they sure as hell better buy me dinner first.
Hey.
Hey.
Did you speak to Beth? I did.
She wants to continue with the suit.
Okay.
Then that's what we will do.
What have you got there? I went by the hospital.
I got Jenny's preliminary autopsy report.
Get this.
There wasn't enough ecstasy in her system to be fatal.
- What? - Yeah, she didn't O.
D.
She died from renal failure and extremely low sodium levels, which means She died of dehydration.
- That's right.
- Okay, that is really strange, because I've been going through the E.
R.
records from the night of the rave.
The 23 other ravers admitted to the hospital they all have some degree of dehydration.
I've been to the coliseum.
There's a water fountain every 20 feet.
That doesn't make sense.
Okay, and in Carla's testimony, she said that they were waiting in line to buy water.
If they were thirsty, why didn't they just go to the water fountain? Uh, something's not right.
I'm gonna go to the coliseum, dig around a little bit.
I'll call you.
Okay.
Owen? Yeah.
Be careful.
Always.
Mr.
Bardem.
We are so mortified about our behavior.
Full disclosure, we're not really engaged.
Imagine my surprise.
- Was it the fighting? - Hardly.
You two are as transparent as my thinly sliced carpaccio.
She is not wearing a ring, and you dress too well to be straight.
Oh, good taste in clothes.
You two are obviously cater-whores, using my valuable tasting time to get some free snacks.
This is not trader's Joe.
We are not cater-whores.
We are imposters.
And the real Jane Bingum is in the middle of a big case, and she couldn't make the tasting, but she didn't want to cancel.
So, now that it's out in the open, the wedding is September 9th.
Not in a million years! Mr.
Bardem Jane was unavailable to kiss your ring because she's trying to get justice for a woman who lost her teenage daughter.
Now, if you're going to punish her for trying to make the world a better place Then you don't deserve to cater her cocktail hour.
Let's go, sweetheart.
Jane, hey, good.
I'm glad you're here.
I got your message.
- What's going on? - I went by the coliseum.
I talked with the facilities manager.
Apparently, the night of the rave, all of the water fountains were offline for maintenance.
That doesn't make any sense.
There were over 30,000 people at that event.
The only water available was for sale, 10 bucks a bottle.
- That's insane.
- Oh, I'm just getting started.
Clearcalm water owned the exclusive water-vending contract for the event.
Now, say people bought just two bottles of water That is over half a million dollars in sales for water.
These are Clearcalm's corporate offices.
Okay.
What exactly are we doing here? We are gonna use my charm and your good looks to find the connection Clearcalm Water has with the rave promoters.
Well, let's go.
Hello.
Can I help you? Judge Owen French.
This is counselor Jane Bingum.
We're here to speak with your sales director.
Oh, I'm sorry.
He's at a conference.
Okay, how about your C.
E.
O.
? He's out, as well.
Big bottled-water conference? Please have him give me a call if he doesn't want to receive a subpoena.
Thank you so much.
Is Clearcalm a supporter of councilman Phillips? Yeah.
You should know, I'm in the middle of a big lawsuit, and he is one of my most vocal supporters.
- Jane, I - Yeah, one second.
So, tell your C.
E.
O.
that he should get back to me really soon if he doesn't want to receive a call from the city.
Ma'am, I don't think our C.
E.
O.
will be scared of that phone call.
Why is that? - Jane, bec - Just one second.
- Let me be perfectly clear - Jane.
- Yeah? - Look.
Clearcalm is owned by councilman Phillips.
The councilman is in bed with the rave promoters.
This is a waste of time, Your Honor.
I have a busy schedule.
I really should get back to work.
I promise this won't take long.
Make your point quickly, Ms.
Bingum.
Absolutely.
Councilman Phillips, are you aware that on the night of the rave, the night Jenny Evans collapsed from dehydration, that every single water fountain in the coliseum had been shut down for maintenance? While the Coliseum is in my district, I'm not involved in the day-to-day operations.
Oh, right.
That was silly question.
Okay.
Let me try this one.
Are you familiar with the Clearcalm Water Company? Oh, my God.
I did it again! Of course you are.
You're the owner, right? I am.
And are you aware that your company was the only vendor licensed to sell water at the rave and you sold over 52,000 bottles? I haven't seen the final figures.
At $10 a bottle, that's over half a million dollars in one night.
Councilman Phillips, did you give the order to shut off the water fountains - to force people to buy your water - Ms.
Bingum - Your Honor - And are you aware that had those water fountains been working, Jenny Evans would still be alive? Ms.
Bingum, without evidence, this court will not allow you to throw baseless accusations at this witness, who is not, may I remind, on trial here.
You're right, Your Honor.
I don't have sufficient evidence to support that.
However, I did get a subpoena for councilman Phillips' hard drive, and I would like to enter into evidence this photo of judge Owen French retrieved from a deleted file.
This same photo was attached to a death threat made against judge French.
Councilman, did you threaten a sitting judge, who is also the most perfect fiancé on earth? I, uh I invoke my fifth amendment rights.
Councilman, let me be the first to inform you that you are about to be charged with an aggravated threat against my fiancé and the criminally negligent homicide of Jenny Evans.
Complete victory.
All charges dismissed.
I can't thank you guys enough.
You are welcome.
And based on Kim's argument, the judge is issuing an order to the F.
D.
A.
to review the constitutionality of the 2005 regulation.
Yep.
Someone's looking to make the cover of "Newsweek.
" Oh, well, now we just have to negotiate your visitation rights.
Carrie.
Dan.
Hi.
I am so sorry.
I didn't know Rick would have you arrested.
If I did, I swear Where's Rick now? We're taking some time apart.
I thought he had Charlie's best interests.
I can't let a man like that raise my boy.
I really thought I loved him, but Can you forgive me? Of course I can.
Hey, how about pizza and bowling on Friday with Charlie? I'll see you then.
Easiest negotiation ever.
We need to talk about my caterer.
Oh, um, the, uh that was his fault! Here's the contract, signed, sealed, delivered.
It looks like our tasting did the trick.
Oh, absolutely.
If your trick was getting into a huge fight in the kitchen, insulting his food, and leering at his colleague? So, how did you fix it? A big, old, non-refundable check.
I'm so sorry.
I forgive you.
But you and me, we need to talk.
What? Why? You forgave her.
I'm just not that good of an actor, okay? Oh, my God.
I'm over it.
There's something else I want to talk about.
I'm marrying Owen, and he needs to know the truth about who I am, that I am Deb.
Whoa.
Where is this coming from? Owen has a secret.
It's a teeny, tiny secret.
He's fighting with his father, and I don't know why.
But it's driving me crazy that he's keeping something from me, which makes me a phony because my secret is much bigger.
Jane We are getting married.
Owen deserves to know who I am.
Okay.
I think it's a great idea.
You do? Sure.
Every guy wants to hear that the woman he's about to marry has the soul of a 24-year-old model inside of her.
But I actually have a soul of a 24-year-old model! - Yes.
- Yes.
You do, and say it just like that.
I mean, you sound completely sane, not crazy a bit.
Okay.
Jane Owen fell in love with you.
Now, whether you're Deb or Jane, it doesn't matter to him.
He loves you.
And if you're feeling compelled to tell him the truth, I got to wonder, are you doing this for him? Hmm? Or for you? Hello, hello.
Hello.
A little vino for my sweet? - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- I have something else for you.
- Ahh.
Santa Barbara, California My dad's address.
Talked to him an hour ago.
He is coming to the wedding.
He would like the chicken, and his new wife would like the fish.
Well, great.
Are we gonna discuss this, Owen? Okay.
A year and a half ago, my father told me he was getting married, and he asked me to officiate.
That's sweet.
The thing is, it's his third marriage, and they they'd only known each other a short while.
I said no.
I didn't think he should marry her.
Ouch.
My dad was very upset, told me to not bother coming to the wedding.
And we haven't spoken since.
I didn't want to discuss it, 'cause I felt like a jerk.
But, hey, my dad's coming to the wedding.
Right.
And I thank you and "field of dreams" Stacy for making me deal with it.
Well, I can't wait to meet him.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
We're getting married.
We shouldn't have secrets.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know what? I have something to tell you.
Oh.
Okay.
What? Uh, there's something you should know.
I love you.
That's not a secret.
No, I know.
I just had to say it.
All right.
You know what? To no more secrets.
To no more secrets.
I thought I'd go straight to heaven, but there was a bit of a mix-up and I woke up in someone else's body.
So now I'm Jane, a super-busy lawyer with my very own assistant.
I got a new life, a new wardrobe, and the only people who really know what's going on with me are my girlfriend Stacy and my guardian angel, Luke.
I used to think everything happened for a reason Whoo! and, well, I sure hope I was right.
Drop Dead Diva 4x11 - Family Matters Original air date August 19, 2012 for an innocent night of fun and is now lying in this hospital on life support.
On behalf of Jenny's mother, we are filing a gross negligence suit against rave promoter Dennis Fullman.
Mr.
Fullman created an environment that allowed dangerous drugs to be peddled to minors.
Councilman Phillips.
The city council intends to make sure this tragedy is never repeated.
We pray for Jenny's recovery.
People are gonna say that I'm exploiting my daughter, suing the promoter for money.
No, this lawsuit is how we make sure this never happens to anyone else's child.
Beth, we've known each other a long time.
Trust me.
You're doing the right thing.
I've seen my son at least once a week since he was born.
He's 3 now.
I can't just walk away.
Well, unless I've missed something, you shouldn't have to.
You know I'm the sperm donor, right? I mean, I didn't have sex with his mother.
Yes, we do.
And under the law, the method of insemination dictates the rights of the donor.
The method of insemination was a plastic turkey baster.
I ejaculated into a cup I think we get it.
And it's actually good news, because without the involvement of a doctor or a sperm bank, legally, you're the father.
Carrie's fiancé doesn't agree.
He's a lawyer.
And a jerk.
He wants to legally adopt Charlie.
Which is why they're asking you to relinquish your parental rights.
Dan, you know no one can force you to terminate your parental status.
Right.
You've got all the leverage here.
We'll figure this out.
Hey.
How you holding up? The last time I was in this lobby, Jenny was born.
And now Beth Beth she sacrificed everything everything for her little girl.
And and Jenny is the last person that you would expect to O.
D.
at a rave.
I mean, it's just it's not her.
Teenagers are reckless.
And when I think about the things I did Well yeah, it's a wonder any of us survived.
Thank you for taking the case.
Of course.
She's your friend.
Oh, so I had Teri collect medical records.
Apparently 23 attendees were admitted to the hospital.
I mean, that's a high number, even for a rave.
Well, that could bolster the negligence claim.
That's what I was thinking.
- All right.
- Excuse me? You're the lawyer from TV, right.
Hi.
I'm Jane Bingum, and this is Owen French.
Hello.
I'm Jenny's friend Carla.
I was with her the night of the rave when she collapsed.
I'm so sorry.
Carla, I might need to ask you some questions.
Would that be okay? Whatever you need.
Um But is it okay if I see Jenny? Of course you can.
Uh, 409.
- Okay.
Thanks.
- Down to the left.
- Hey, one sec.
Sorry.
- Sure.
Hey, Stace.
Thar har look awethum.
- What? - Sorry.
I'm licking wedding-invitation envelopes.
Your hair looked awesome on the TV.
Oh, my God.
I wasn't even thinking about my hair.
We're always thinking about our hair.
So, listen.
I still need one address Owen's father.
Right.
Um, I will get it for you.
Mm-Hmm.
I've heard that before.
Bye, Stace.
So, I hate to bother you with this again.
I'll get you the address.
Stacy's a loud phone-talker.
It's just we've had this conversation three times, and it is your father.
I mean, do you even know his address? We should get you back to the office.
Owen.
Please.
Let's just focus on the case, okay? Okay.
This is pretty straightforward.
Under the law, Dan is the father.
We understand the law, but but we don't want the child to be confused.
We're getting married, and it's in Charlie's best interest to have one male authority figure.
Well, our position is simple.
Without guaranteed visitation, Dan won't relinquish his parental rights.
Well, our position is also simple.
As you know, parental rights carry financial obligations, and from what I understand, you haven't paid one cent Rick.
No.
If they want to play hardball, we're gonna sue for child support.
We actually hadn't discussed any I'll pay whatever I can if it means I can see Charlie.
Stop.
Charlie and Carrie are moving in with me.
So, if you show up at my house, I will call the cops.
Honey, let's go.
Our client has rights.
We'll fight for visitation, and we'll win.
We'll see you in court.
- Hey! - Hi, sweetie.
What are you doing home in the middle of the day? Well, I wore my super-high Louboutins to the press conference to give me authority on TV, and now my feet are killing me.
Mm-Hmm.
So, this is the last invitation.
Mr.
Thomas French.
- You have his address, right? - No.
Apparently Owen doesn't want to talk about his father right now.
Why? I have no idea.
I mean, what does anyone want me to do? Oh.
Maybe Thomas French is a Russian spy.
Or in the mob.
Oh! Or a female impersonator in Witness Protection.
I mean, that would be really fun at the wedding.
And make a hilarious movie.
- Stace.
- What? Seriously.
I don't like Owen keeping secrets from me.
You know what? I'll have Teri track down his dad's number, I'll ask him about the problem, and then I'll mediate.
And I'm sure Owen won't resent you at all for that.
Sweetie, let me talk to Owen.
I'll get it out of him.
.
I am an excellent pryer.
The trick is to pretend their problem is your problem.
You know what? Great.
Fine.
Pry away.
Thank you.
It's an envelope addressed to a Ms.
Jane Bingum and Mr.
Owen French.
It's your first wedding present! Maybe it's a gift card to Bloomingdale's.
New handbags.
Ooh! Let's go shopping.
"Drop the case or else.
" Hmm? What? Oh my God.
Stacy, that's that's Owen.
This is a death threat against Owen.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Whatever you do, please don't tell Owen about the death threat.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
That was the presiding judge.
Sheriffs are assigning Owen a full-time security detail.
Good.
But why don't you want Owen to know what's going on? Because he's got a heart condition, and this is the last thing he needs.
I'm confused.
Why don't they just arrest the rave promoter? I wish, but we can't prove that the threat's from him.
Well, then, you need to drop the case.
Beth will find another lawyer.
No.
I can't.
I can't.
- Owen wouldn't want me to do that.
- Ah.
You don't want Owen to know about the threat because it would stress him out, and you can't drop the case because then Owen would know about the threat.
Exactly.
So, I just have to pretend that everything is fine, even though I'm scared to death.
Carrie and I met at the local dog park and became quick friends.
And 10 years later, she asked you to father her child? That's right.
So how exactly did the insemination process play out? Carrie called me and said she was ovulating.
I-I raced over, went into the bathroom, took care of things, then Carrie went into her bedroom and inseminated herself.
And from there Your Honor, we're sorry to interrupt.
Gentlemen, we're in session here.
F.
D.
A.
enforcement.
We have a warrant for the arrest of Dan Abraham.
Mr.
Abraham, can you please stand up? On what charges? Illegal tissue trafficking.
What? What tissue? Human sperm.
Mr.
Abraham has donated his sperm to over a dozen women and fathered five children.
Your Honor, we didn't know about the other donations, but it shouldn't matter.
You can't arrest someone for donating sperm.
Judge, a little help here? Nothing I can do.
A federal warrant supercedes my authority.
Let's go.
Dan, we'll met you in holding.
Don't say anything to anyone, okay? Donating sperm is not a crime.
It is if the F.
D.
A.
believes you're operating an illegal sperm bank, which I guess they do.
And you called them, didn't you? I'm a concerned citizen.
You're trying to give Dan a criminal record to prove he's an unfit parent.
- And strip him of his visitation.
- That's right.
Come on, Carrie.
Let's go.
Stacy.
Do you have a minute? Of course.
Please.
Come in.
A lot of security.
Must be a big celebrity divorce.
Please, sit down.
What can I do for you? Well, uh, I'm a little worried about Jane.
What's wrong? I think the stress of the wedding might be getting to her, and it's kind of my fault.
I'm her maid of honor, and I have just been so busy dealing with my own drama about my father.
Oh.
I'm, uh I'm sorry to hear that.
Is there anything I can do to help? Well, my father and I have been fighting about all sorts of various things, and it just drives me crazy.
And do you get crazy when you fight with your parents? Your dad, specifically? Nope.
Really? Okay.
Maybe you could advise me on how to deal with my father.
I actually haven't spoken to my father in a year and a half.
- Really? No way.
- Why not? You know, it it could help me And, therefore, Jane.
My dad is a corn farmer.
One night, he had a vision.
He woke up in a cold sweat like a man possessed, and he went outside and he plowed under the family farm.
Built a baseball field.
Wow.
Crazy pants.
Exactly.
And he kept muttering to himself, "if you build it, he will come.
" Who will come? Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Isn't he the bartender at Taco Surf? Not so much.
Stacy We lost everything.
Everything.
I've never been able to forgive him.
That is so sad.
Well, if it's okay, do you mind if I'm alone? I it's just it's hard reliving that story and I I understand.
Thank you.
Bye.
Hey, boss.
Your hoity-toity wedding caterer just called.
Robert Bardem? Yeah, he said that he can fit you and Owen in for a menu tasting in half an hour.
No, no, no, no.
That's impossible.
I've got a settlement conference.
Reschedule.
That's impossible.
Robert's assistant told me not even J.
Lo canceled her tasting for her first or third weddings.
You've canceled twice.
You don't show up, you may as well kiss your dream caterer goodbye.
Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.
- You are Jane Bingum.
- What? - Go to the tasting, say that you're me.
- What about Owen? Oh! You're Owen.
You are Jane.
The two of you are getting married.
Now go meet your caterer.
Okay.
Just say "yum" and "delicious" a lot.
Actually, shorten it to "delish.
" Get our wedding on the books.
And put on a tie.
You're a judge.
For our wedding, I won't be wearing white.
I did nothing wrong.
Your daughter O.
D.
'd.
Not my fault.
What my client means to say is that while he's sorry about Ms.
Evans' daughter, he's in no way responsible.
I think the jury's gonna see this differently.
You market these parties to minors and then turn a blind eye to drug use.
Not to mention the inadequate access for EMTs.
Ms.
Bingum Are you sure you really want to pursue this case? Excuse me? A simple question.
Are you sure? I'm sorry, Beth.
I-I'm not feeling well.
We'll pick this up later.
Jane.
Aah! Oh! Oh, my God.
Do not sneak up on me like that! Ugh! Well, technically, you snuck up on me, but whatever.
Okay.
So, I know why Owen doesn't speak to his father.
Stacy, I am in the middle of a horrendous case with a death threat.
Wait.
Why doesn't Owen speak to his father? Okay.
His dad used to be a corn farmer who went crazy and built this baseball field for a guy who never showed.
Stace, that's the plot of "A field of dreams," but with a much sadder ending.
Ugh.
I thought it sounded familiar.
Thanks for trying.
Mm.
So how is the case going? I can't focus, 'cause I keep thinking my fiancé is gonna be killed.
You know, and I feel awful for Beth, but I am just not an effective advocate.
I don't know what to do.
Welcome to bardem catering.
I am Robert.
And I'm Jane Bingum.
I'm Owen P - French.
- French.
Owen French.
Just like the language or the toast.
I create a menu that has meaning to the couple, so I need to get to know you.
Tell me how you met.
- In court.
- In a bar.
He was so drunk that he thought he was still at court.
He kept overruling everything.
"Whiskey sour, overruled.
" Tell me about the proposal.
Oh, you mean the double-barrel shotgun she was holding? What? I'm kidding.
Come on.
Brides.
Am I right? Up high, bro.
Hit it! No? Okay.
All right.
How about we jump right in? Our flagship appetizer, tuna tartare with truffle oil drizzle.
Mmm, delicious.
Mr.
French? Sorry, I'm not a raw-fish kind of guy.
On the form, Ms.
Bingum told me that your first date was over Sushi.
Oh, this is Sushi.
I did Ohh! Mmm! Delish.
I'll be back with another option.
If I wanted to eat raw seafood, I would go to the ocean and open my mouth.
We are doing this for Jane.
You better start pretending that you love this food and you love me, and stop checking out the hot sous chef.
Jealous? You are such a cliché.
"Oh, I'm a hot sous chef.
Watch me pound this cutlet.
" Robert, you're back.
Hey.
Ms.
Bingum, I love catering weddings, but only when there's true love.
We are desperately in love.
Give us another chance.
- Look, we're gonna make out right now.
- W Get out! Thank you.
All right, we paid your bail.
You'll be released in a few hours.
Thank you.
Dan, the F.
D.
A.
says you could be looking at a year in jail, as well as a $100,000 fine.
Because I donated sperm? They're classifying your actions as trafficking in human tissue.
They could go after you the same way they would go after someone who sold a kidney.
I can't believe this.
I was trying to be a good guy.
Well, you weren't entirely up front with us.
Five kids? Different mothers? Well, I didn't think it was relevant.
I mean, initially, it was just a favor for Carrie.
Then after Charlie was born, one of her friends saw her beautiful baby and asked if I'd help her out, too.
But before you know it, you're Johnny Apple-sperm? I guess.
Are you in touch with any of the other children? No.
I made that clear up front.
Just like I made it clear that I would have a relationship with Charlie.
Carrie's the only mother who was also a friend.
The F.
D.
A.
claims you're exposing the moms and kids to health risks.
A sperm bank does a lot of testing.
And so do I.
Before every donation, I screen for infectious diseases, and I've been genetically tested for carrier traits.
I do everything a sperm bank does, except I don't charge the women a penny.
I'd rather they spend their money raising their child than trying to conceive one.
What's wrong with that? In my book, absolutely nothing.
Well, the judge will interpret the law against you.
The F.
D.
A.
policy is clear.
So we find a way to go around the judge.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd the, uh how'd the settlement go? Oh, it got tabled.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I I'm not a paranoid person, but I swear to God I'm being followed.
This morning when I parked my car, there were these two guys behind me, and then when I was at the coffee cart an hour later, same two guys in line.
It's probably just a coincidence.
Then I'm on the third-floor men's room, standing at the urinal.
Guess who's peeing next to me.
Sweetie, everyone's got to pee.
Jane, seriously.
Something is going on.
Okay.
They're judicial security detail.
What? I got a note threatening your life if I didn't drop Beth's case.
And I think it's from the rave promoter.
I just can't prove it.
Why didn't you tell me? Because I didn't want to upset you.
Your heart Well, look how that worked out.
I can't believe the jackass tried to get to you - by going after me.
- You know what? I'm excusing myself from this case.
No, you're not.
See? And this is why I didn't want to tell you.
I didn't become a judge so I could back down from a threat.
Now, look, just call off the security detail.
What if something happens to you? I can't handle that.
I am not gonna allow anyone anyone to intimidate me or the woman that I love.
The city is taking a keen interest in the civil case against rave promoter Dennis Fullman.
Now, as I've said before, nothing's more important than the safety of our children.
Excuse me.
- Ms.
Bingum.
- Councilman.
Ms.
Evans, how's Jenny? No change.
I'm sorry.
The whole city's behind you.
Do you feel good about the case? We do.
We do.
And I'd like to thank you and the city for all your support.
Sure.
There were mobs of people.
It was hot, and the music was loud.
Jenny and I got in line to buy water, and the line was hardly moving.
And then Jenny started sweating and shaking.
And then she collapsed.
I know this is really hard for you, Carla.
Can you tell us what happened next? I started screaming for help, but between all the music and the people How long before the paramedics showed up? It seemed like, I don't know, a half-hour.
They couldn't get to us with all the people.
Thank you.
Miss Middlen did you know that Jenny had an ecstasy tablet in her pocket when she was brought to the hospital? Remember, you're under oath.
Yes.
This is a photo of the tab of ecstasy that was removed from Jenny's pocket.
Do you see the embossed stamp on the tablet? Yes.
It looks like a sneaker.
Your Honor, we'd like to submit the crime-lab ecstasy database.
Some dealers brand their pills.
The, uh, green sneaker can be traced back to a Deezy Jones.
Miss Middlen, do you recognize this Facebook page? Yes, it's mine.
And one of your friends is Deezy Jones? Yes.
On June 23rd, the day before the rave, you and Deezy sent messages to each other planning to, I quote, "see Molly.
" Isn't "Molly" slang for ecstasy? Yes.
So you were arranging to buy drugs.
Yes.
Just for yourself? No.
For me and Jenny.
I am so sorry, Mrs.
Evans.
I'm so sorry.
You bought several ecstasy tablets.
When did Jenny take the first one? Before the rave, at my house.
Your Honor, considering the testimony we just heard, the defense wishes to implead Carla Middlen as a co-defendant.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait.
Excuse me? Miss Middlen procured the drugs therefore, she bears responsibility as to what happened to her friend.
Counsel, in my chambers now.
Your Honor, he wants to implead a teenager.
We have grounds.
He knows that we do not want to sue Carla.
If you agree to implead her, we won't have a choice.
Then drop the suit.
We won't complain.
Mr.
Cummings? Carla bought drugs and gave them to Jenny prior to the rave.
She collapsed at your client's event.
The EMTs couldn't get to her.
Enough.
Mr.
Cummings has raised sufficient evidence of shared culpability.
I'm granting his request to add Carla as a defendant.
Commissioner Seaton, the law banning tissue trafficking is meant to apply to organs like lungs and kidneys, not sperm.
The F.
D.
A.
regulates all human tissues.
Technically, that includes semen.
- That's crazy.
- Yes, it is.
And it's ridiculous that the F.
D.
A.
would spend their time and money prosecuting our client.
We understand the pressure you're under.
There are budget shortages, and you're responsible for our health and welfare.
We just believe your resources could better be used elsewhere.
Good cop, bad cop.
Nice try, but we're pursuing this case.
Okay, well, then, this bad cop is bringing out her big gun.
Are you aware that there are dozens of websites that connect wannabe moms with willing sperm donors? - I had no idea.
- Well, now that you do, we expect you to shut them all down and prosecute everyone on these sites, men and women, or we'll sue the F.
D.
A.
for selective prosecution.
And if I drop the case against your client? Well, then, I never presented you with this document.
Mr.
Abraham, you're free to go, and the charges are dropped.
Thank you.
Enjoy your lunch.
You guys were amazing.
Thank you.
I think he was talking to me.
Seriously.
You should take that act on the road.
- Excuse me.
Are you Dan Abraham? - Yes.
Why? - You're under arrest.
- What? No, no.
There's been a mistake.
Look, the F.
D.
A.
dropped all the charges related to tissue trafficking.
I'm not with the F.
D.
A.
, sir.
I'm with the L.
A.
P.
D.
What are the charges? Your client is a gay man.
We've been tipped off he's been donated sperm.
You didn't tell us you're gay.
It didn't come up.
Since when is it illegal for a gay man to donate sperm? Since 2005.
Dan, we're gonna figure this out.
For the love of God, I've represented murderers who have had an easier time staying out of jail.
I have been looking everywhere for you.
What are you doing out here? Hiding from Jane.
What are you gonna tell her? We are in this together.
We have to coordinate our lies.
The best lies are simple.
How about, "Robert is a no-go.
His food sucks.
" Too many unanswered questions.
I say we tell her Robert's fingernails were dirty and a cockroach crawled out of the spicy hummus tower.
Jane's not gonna fall for that.
She knows Courtney Cox has cleanliness issues and would have never hired Robert for her divorce party.
We are just gonna have to man up.
Right.
We tell Jane the truth.
Hell, no.
We got to go beg Robert bardem for a second chance.
You wanted to see me? Please tell me it's not true.
It's not true.
So your gay sperm donor is not back in jail? No.
That's true.
What is going on with this case? Bigotry, for starters.
Did you know it's illegal for a man to donate sperm if he's had sex with another man in the past five years? There are legitimate governmental interests in seeing that the sperm pool stays healthy.
The window for HIV testing is a month.
Dan gets tested regularly.
It's homophobia, plain and simple.
Look, African-American men have a higher incidence of sickle-cell anemia, jewish men are more likely to carry tay-sachs, yet they can donate sperm, no questions asked.
Wow, someone's been mainlining Rachel Maddow.
Am I wrong, or is she kind of hot? It's the glasses, right? Okay.
I get it.
This topic makes you uncomfortable.
Probably 'cause you're a sperm donor.
What? Yeah, you knocked up Elisa, remember? Lucky for you, you did it the old-fashioned way instead of with a turkey baster.
You should use that in court.
I mean, does the government have a right to throw you in jail because of how you chose to procreate? I'm just sayin'.
No.
You're right.
Thanks.
We're between a rock and a hard place.
If we continue with this case, we have to go after Carla.
No, Beth won't like that.
Carla may have bought the drugs, but Jenny is her best friend.
I can't believe this happened.
You know what? If we get a judgement against both, we could always forgive Carla's portion.
The trial would put that girl through hell - and even expose her to criminal liability.
- Yeah.
Hey, Beth.
We were just coming to see you.
No.
Owen, uh She's she's gone.
My my baby, she's She's gone.
Hey.
Hey.
How's Beth doing? I got her home.
She's devastated.
Her sister's with her now.
I know she doesn't want to think about this, but what do we do about this case? Well, there's no question if the promoter had provided adequate EMT access that Jenny would be alive now.
I know.
But if Beth continues with the case, Carla's future's gonna be destroyed.
She doest want that.
Don't worry about me.
I am so sorry I didn't tell you the truth about the ecstasy.
I-I was scared.
You know what? It's okay.
No, I don't want you guys to drop the case, not because of me.
- If I hadn't bought those pills, then - We're not blaming you.
Jenny's mom doesn't blame you.
Please tell her to keep fighting.
Jenny didn't have to die.
No one got to her in time.
There was no one there to help her! Officer Andrews, you arrested my client, didn't you? That's right.
And why was that again? L.
A.
P.
D.
was tipped off that he violated the code of federal regulations, title 21, chapter 1, subchapter "l," part 1271.
Men can't donate sperm if they've had homosexual relations in the past five years? That's right.
I see you're wearing a wedding ring.
Do you have children? Yeah, three.
And how exactly were they conceived? I mean, was it missionary or doggy style, maybe a little cowgirl? - Objection! - What?! And, please, don't skimp on the details.
I mean, were they planned pregnancies, or did someone forget to buy condoms? Objection! Sustained.
It's none of your damn business.
You see, that is exactly my point.
The details of how your children were brought into this world are none of my business, this court's business, or the U.
S.
federal government's business.
Ms.
Kaswell, that's enough.
Okay.
Moving on.
The defense calls Sandy Marshall, Lydia Carter, Miriam Stein, and Charlotte Phillips.
Counselor? Your Honor, each of these women conceived their children with the help of Mr.
Abraham.
Objection.
And if the A.
D.
A.
wants to prosecute my client, he's going to need the sworn testimony of each of these women.
So, here they are.
She's right.
Objection overruled.
And in order to elicit such testimony, the prosecutor is going to have to invade the most intimate aspects of these women's lives and ask the exact same questions that horrified this court when I asked them of the arresting officer.
It's not the same thing.
Oh, it's exactly the same thing.
Each count against my client is an impermissible intrusion into the act of procreation, which was granted protection in 1965 by Griswold v.
Connecticut, when the supreme court ruled that the state may not legislate how a woman conceives a child.
And, uh, I don't know about you, judge, but if the federal government wants to get into my bed, they sure as hell better buy me dinner first.
Hey.
Hey.
Did you speak to Beth? I did.
She wants to continue with the suit.
Okay.
Then that's what we will do.
What have you got there? I went by the hospital.
I got Jenny's preliminary autopsy report.
Get this.
There wasn't enough ecstasy in her system to be fatal.
- What? - Yeah, she didn't O.
D.
She died from renal failure and extremely low sodium levels, which means She died of dehydration.
- That's right.
- Okay, that is really strange, because I've been going through the E.
R.
records from the night of the rave.
The 23 other ravers admitted to the hospital they all have some degree of dehydration.
I've been to the coliseum.
There's a water fountain every 20 feet.
That doesn't make sense.
Okay, and in Carla's testimony, she said that they were waiting in line to buy water.
If they were thirsty, why didn't they just go to the water fountain? Uh, something's not right.
I'm gonna go to the coliseum, dig around a little bit.
I'll call you.
Okay.
Owen? Yeah.
Be careful.
Always.
Mr.
Bardem.
We are so mortified about our behavior.
Full disclosure, we're not really engaged.
Imagine my surprise.
- Was it the fighting? - Hardly.
You two are as transparent as my thinly sliced carpaccio.
She is not wearing a ring, and you dress too well to be straight.
Oh, good taste in clothes.
You two are obviously cater-whores, using my valuable tasting time to get some free snacks.
This is not trader's Joe.
We are not cater-whores.
We are imposters.
And the real Jane Bingum is in the middle of a big case, and she couldn't make the tasting, but she didn't want to cancel.
So, now that it's out in the open, the wedding is September 9th.
Not in a million years! Mr.
Bardem Jane was unavailable to kiss your ring because she's trying to get justice for a woman who lost her teenage daughter.
Now, if you're going to punish her for trying to make the world a better place Then you don't deserve to cater her cocktail hour.
Let's go, sweetheart.
Jane, hey, good.
I'm glad you're here.
I got your message.
- What's going on? - I went by the coliseum.
I talked with the facilities manager.
Apparently, the night of the rave, all of the water fountains were offline for maintenance.
That doesn't make any sense.
There were over 30,000 people at that event.
The only water available was for sale, 10 bucks a bottle.
- That's insane.
- Oh, I'm just getting started.
Clearcalm water owned the exclusive water-vending contract for the event.
Now, say people bought just two bottles of water That is over half a million dollars in sales for water.
These are Clearcalm's corporate offices.
Okay.
What exactly are we doing here? We are gonna use my charm and your good looks to find the connection Clearcalm Water has with the rave promoters.
Well, let's go.
Hello.
Can I help you? Judge Owen French.
This is counselor Jane Bingum.
We're here to speak with your sales director.
Oh, I'm sorry.
He's at a conference.
Okay, how about your C.
E.
O.
? He's out, as well.
Big bottled-water conference? Please have him give me a call if he doesn't want to receive a subpoena.
Thank you so much.
Is Clearcalm a supporter of councilman Phillips? Yeah.
You should know, I'm in the middle of a big lawsuit, and he is one of my most vocal supporters.
- Jane, I - Yeah, one second.
So, tell your C.
E.
O.
that he should get back to me really soon if he doesn't want to receive a call from the city.
Ma'am, I don't think our C.
E.
O.
will be scared of that phone call.
Why is that? - Jane, bec - Just one second.
- Let me be perfectly clear - Jane.
- Yeah? - Look.
Clearcalm is owned by councilman Phillips.
The councilman is in bed with the rave promoters.
This is a waste of time, Your Honor.
I have a busy schedule.
I really should get back to work.
I promise this won't take long.
Make your point quickly, Ms.
Bingum.
Absolutely.
Councilman Phillips, are you aware that on the night of the rave, the night Jenny Evans collapsed from dehydration, that every single water fountain in the coliseum had been shut down for maintenance? While the Coliseum is in my district, I'm not involved in the day-to-day operations.
Oh, right.
That was silly question.
Okay.
Let me try this one.
Are you familiar with the Clearcalm Water Company? Oh, my God.
I did it again! Of course you are.
You're the owner, right? I am.
And are you aware that your company was the only vendor licensed to sell water at the rave and you sold over 52,000 bottles? I haven't seen the final figures.
At $10 a bottle, that's over half a million dollars in one night.
Councilman Phillips, did you give the order to shut off the water fountains - to force people to buy your water - Ms.
Bingum - Your Honor - And are you aware that had those water fountains been working, Jenny Evans would still be alive? Ms.
Bingum, without evidence, this court will not allow you to throw baseless accusations at this witness, who is not, may I remind, on trial here.
You're right, Your Honor.
I don't have sufficient evidence to support that.
However, I did get a subpoena for councilman Phillips' hard drive, and I would like to enter into evidence this photo of judge Owen French retrieved from a deleted file.
This same photo was attached to a death threat made against judge French.
Councilman, did you threaten a sitting judge, who is also the most perfect fiancé on earth? I, uh I invoke my fifth amendment rights.
Councilman, let me be the first to inform you that you are about to be charged with an aggravated threat against my fiancé and the criminally negligent homicide of Jenny Evans.
Complete victory.
All charges dismissed.
I can't thank you guys enough.
You are welcome.
And based on Kim's argument, the judge is issuing an order to the F.
D.
A.
to review the constitutionality of the 2005 regulation.
Yep.
Someone's looking to make the cover of "Newsweek.
" Oh, well, now we just have to negotiate your visitation rights.
Carrie.
Dan.
Hi.
I am so sorry.
I didn't know Rick would have you arrested.
If I did, I swear Where's Rick now? We're taking some time apart.
I thought he had Charlie's best interests.
I can't let a man like that raise my boy.
I really thought I loved him, but Can you forgive me? Of course I can.
Hey, how about pizza and bowling on Friday with Charlie? I'll see you then.
Easiest negotiation ever.
We need to talk about my caterer.
Oh, um, the, uh that was his fault! Here's the contract, signed, sealed, delivered.
It looks like our tasting did the trick.
Oh, absolutely.
If your trick was getting into a huge fight in the kitchen, insulting his food, and leering at his colleague? So, how did you fix it? A big, old, non-refundable check.
I'm so sorry.
I forgive you.
But you and me, we need to talk.
What? Why? You forgave her.
I'm just not that good of an actor, okay? Oh, my God.
I'm over it.
There's something else I want to talk about.
I'm marrying Owen, and he needs to know the truth about who I am, that I am Deb.
Whoa.
Where is this coming from? Owen has a secret.
It's a teeny, tiny secret.
He's fighting with his father, and I don't know why.
But it's driving me crazy that he's keeping something from me, which makes me a phony because my secret is much bigger.
Jane We are getting married.
Owen deserves to know who I am.
Okay.
I think it's a great idea.
You do? Sure.
Every guy wants to hear that the woman he's about to marry has the soul of a 24-year-old model inside of her.
But I actually have a soul of a 24-year-old model! - Yes.
- Yes.
You do, and say it just like that.
I mean, you sound completely sane, not crazy a bit.
Okay.
Jane Owen fell in love with you.
Now, whether you're Deb or Jane, it doesn't matter to him.
He loves you.
And if you're feeling compelled to tell him the truth, I got to wonder, are you doing this for him? Hmm? Or for you? Hello, hello.
Hello.
A little vino for my sweet? - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- I have something else for you.
- Ahh.
Santa Barbara, California My dad's address.
Talked to him an hour ago.
He is coming to the wedding.
He would like the chicken, and his new wife would like the fish.
Well, great.
Are we gonna discuss this, Owen? Okay.
A year and a half ago, my father told me he was getting married, and he asked me to officiate.
That's sweet.
The thing is, it's his third marriage, and they they'd only known each other a short while.
I said no.
I didn't think he should marry her.
Ouch.
My dad was very upset, told me to not bother coming to the wedding.
And we haven't spoken since.
I didn't want to discuss it, 'cause I felt like a jerk.
But, hey, my dad's coming to the wedding.
Right.
And I thank you and "field of dreams" Stacy for making me deal with it.
Well, I can't wait to meet him.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
We're getting married.
We shouldn't have secrets.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know what? I have something to tell you.
Oh.
Okay.
What? Uh, there's something you should know.
I love you.
That's not a secret.
No, I know.
I just had to say it.
All right.
You know what? To no more secrets.
To no more secrets.