Full House s04e11 Episode Script

SHORTY! YES? DID YOU JUST EAT THE CREAMY MIDDLE OUT OF THAT COOKIE AND PUT THE 2 ENDS BACK TOGETHER? YES.
YOU ATE THE MIDDLE OUT OF EVERY COOKIE IN THIS COOKIE JAR? NEXT TIME, ONLY BUY THE MIDDLES.
* AHH * * AAH * * WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PREDICTABILITY * * THE MILKMAN, THE PAPER BOY * * EVENIN' TV * * HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE * * SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE * * THIS OLD WORLD'S * * CONFUSIN' ME * * CLOUDS AS MEAN AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN * * AIN'T A BIRD WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE * * THEN A LITTLE VOICE INSIDE YOU WHISPERS * * KID, DON'T SELL YOUR DREAMS SO SOON * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A HEART * * A HAND TO HOLD ONTO * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A FACE OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE * * AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE * * A LIGHT IS WAITIN' * * TO CARRY YOU HOME * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * DO BE DO BA BA DA ** CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
BE RIGHT THERE! COMING.
HEY, CINDY.
HI.
RUSTY.
HI, DANNY.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL TANNER FAMILY QUALITY TIME BARBECUE.
THANKS FOR INVITING US, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT OFFICIALLY FAMILY.
CINDY, WE'VE BEEN DATING OVER A MONTH, YOU DRY CLEAN MY SHORTS.
YOU'RE FAMILY.
WELL, HERE'S MY SEMI-LEGENDARY HOMEMADE APPLE PIE.
OH, I CAN SMELL IT FROM HERE.
I CAN'T WAIT.
APPARENTLY SOMEONE ELSE COULDN'T WAIT, EITHER.
RUSTY! SORRY, MOM-- IT WAS A LONG CAR RIDE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
DON'T GET IT! I'VE GOT IT! DON'T GET IT! I'VE GOT IT! D.
J.
, WHAT'S GOING ON? IT'S THE PAPER BOY, RICKY.
HOW DO I LOOK? HUNGRY FOR LOVE.
PERFECT.
HI, RICKY.
HI, I'M HERE TO COLLECT FOR THE PAPER.
UH, $3.
50, MR.
TANNER.
OK.
SORRY, RICKY, ALL I HAVE IS A TWENTY.
I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE.
THAT'S OK.
KEEP IT.
COOL! WHAT MY INCREDIBLY GENEROUS DAUGHTER MEANS IS, KEEP $1.
00 AND COME BACK WITH THE REST, OKAY? THANKS FOR TRYING.
I'LL BE BACK.
I'LL BE HERE.
I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
TOODLE-OO.
"TOODLE-OO"? I'M SUCH A GEEK.
MR.
AND MRS.
RICKY PAPERBOY.
GROW UP.
CINDY, ISN'T THIS CUTE? THEY'RE FIGHTING JUST LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER.
EEW! EEW! HEY, MISTER, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO NOW? WELL, I'M JUST TYPING A LETTER.
AND YOU CAN HELP ME DELIVER IT.
LIKE A MAILMAN.
I'M VERY BUSY TODAY.
WELL, TELL YOU WHAT, LITTLE LADY.
I'LL GIVE YOU THIS BRIGHT, SHINY, NEW PENNY.
DON'T BE CHEAP, GIVE ME A NICKEL.
WELL, YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN, BUT HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OKAY, NOW TAKE THIS LETTER INTO THE KITCHEN, AND GIVE IT TO YOUR SISTER.
NOW, HERE IS THE FUN PART.
TELL HER IT'S FROM RICKY, THE PAPER BOY.
BUT THAT'S A LIE! HERE IS ANOTHER NICKEL.
YOU GOT A DEAL, DUDE.
THIS IS GONNA MAKE D.
J.
CRAZY.
THIS IS FOR MY SISTER.
WHO GAVE THIS TO YOU? I DO NOT LIE.
IT WAS RUSTY.
BUT I'M KEEPING THE MONEY.
"I'VE LOVED YOU SECRETLY FOR A LONG TIME.
"WHEN I SEE YOU IN THE HOUSE, MY HEART BURNS WITH PASSION.
"I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOUR LOVE.
SIGNED, HOT FOR YOU.
" EW! GROSS! WHY DID YOU SAY "EW! GROSS!"? BECAUSE RUSTY LOVES ME.
EW! GROSS! IF ANYONE FINDS OUT I GOT A LOVE LETTER FROM THAT DUFUS, I'LL DIE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, DANNY.
OH, HI, STEPH.
UH, YOUR DAD WANTS THE AIR FRESHENER.
IN THE BACK YARD? YEAH, HE SAID IT DOESN'T SMELL WOODSY ENOUGH.
THAT'S MY DAD.
YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE HIM.
YOU DO.
CINDY, HOW'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DRY CLEANER I'VE EVER KNOWN? JOEY.
WHAT DID YOU SPILL? UH, KETCHUP ON MY SHIRT, MUSTARD ON MY PANTS.
I'VE GOTTA STOP MAKING SANDWICHES IN THE CAR.
I'LL TAKE IT OUT TO MY VAN SO I DON'T FORGET.
CINDY, YOU ARE THE BEST.
BY THE WAY, I LEFT A LITTLE NOTE IN THERE FOR YOU.
IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
HIS HEART BURNS WITH PASSION? HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY LOVE? JOEY'S HOT FOR ME? CINDY? CIN, YOU'VE GOTTA COME SMELL THE BACK YARD.
IT'S PINE-FOREST FRESH.
I-- I WILL, UM I JUST HAVE TO TAKE OUT JOEY'S LAUNDRY.
OH, AND IT MEANS NOTHING TO ME.
NOTHING.
HI.
I'M TAKING JOEY'S LAUNDRY OUT TO MY VAN.
WELL.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT.
HI, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
OH, AND THE JELL-O DIDN'T GEL YET.
OH, HEY, THAT'S OK.
WE'LL JUST TELL EVERYONE IT'S LIME SOUP.
BECK, DO ME A FAVOR.
TAKE A LOOK SOME NOTES I MADE FOR TOMORROW'S SHOW.
I'M THINKING ABOUT SOME CHANGES THAT MAY AFFECT US BOTH.
LET ME KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, OKAY? SURE, I'LL LOOK AT THEM RIGHT NOW.
GREAT.
I'LL GO PUT OUT SOME SOUP BOWLS AND CROUTONS FOR YOUR JELL-O.
OH, MY GOD.
DANNY CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY LOVE? IF JESSE FINDS OUT, HE'LL KILL DANNY.
HMMI WOULD HAVE MY OWN SHOW.
I WENT TO FOUR DIFFERENT STORES TRYING TO FIND DANNY LOW-SODIUM GHERKINS.
HE'S GETTING DILLS, AND HE'S GONNA LIKE THEM.
I NEED A KISS.
I HAVE TO HIDE THIS.
I'VE GOTTA KEEP HIM KISSING ME.
I KNOW WHAT HE LIKES.
OOH, I LIKE THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING BEHIND MY BACK? UH, NOTHING.
WHAT IS THAT? OH, A LIBRARY BOOK.
WOULDN'T YOU KNOW? KIMMY GIBBLER.
AND A MONTH OVERDUE.
BOY, THAT CHILD IS OUT OF CONTROL.
JESS, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN WITH MY PICKLES? I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK.
WHERE DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN? YOU SENT ME ON A WILD GHERKIN CHASE.
ALL I COULD FIND WERE DILLS.
HERE, ENJOY.
JESS, DILLS? MY ENTIRE MENU IS BASED AROUND THE GHERKIN.
YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO GO TO PICKLETOWN.
DANNY'S TRYING TO GET RID OF JESSE SO HE CAN BE ALONE WITH ME.
COME ON.
DILLS, GHERKINS-- WHAT'S THE BIG DIFFERENCE? WHO CARES? I CARE.
I CARE DEEPLY.
JESS, I'LL GO BRING THE CAR AROUND.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE GOING TO THE STORE, LET ME GO CHECK THE FRIDGE AND SEE IF WE NEED ANY OTHER CONDIMENTS.
OH, WHERE ARE YOU GONNA SEND ME NOW, MUSTARD CITY? HEY, IT IS RIGHT ACROSS FROM PICKLETOWN.
OH,JESSE.
IF YOU'RE GOING OUT, CAN YOU PICK ME UP A COPY OF TEEN HUNK? IT HAS A SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF AD FOR "NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK" COLOGNE.
"A," I DON'T BUY TEEN HUNK.
"2," HERE.
A LITTLE SURPRISE IN THERE FOR YOU, KIMBO.
I GOT TWO NICKELS.
WHAT CAN I BUY WITH THIS? A DIME.
THAT'S IT? WHOA, BABY! JESSE'S HOT FOR ME? AND WHY NOT? I'M TWICE THE WOMAN BECKY IS.
YOU BETTER BE NICE TO ME, KID.
IF I MARRY YOUR UNCLE JESSE, I COULD BE YOUR AUNT KIMMY.
NO WAY, JOSE.
NO WAY, JOSE.
I BETTER GO GLAM UP FOR MY MAN.
TIME FOR A LITTLE GLOSS AND FLOSS.
JESS, WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG? DANNY WANTED ME TO GET A FEW MORE THINGS.
OH, I FORGOT MY SWEATER.
I'LL GET IT.
THANKS.
A LOVE LETTER TO BECKY? "WHEN I SEE YOU IN THE HOUSE" THIS MUST BE FROM DANNY OR JOEY.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS LETTER.
ME EITHER.
I'VE GOTTA LEARN TO READ.
MICHELLE, MY DEAREST LITTLE NIECE, COULD YOU GO ON AND ASK YOUR DADDY AND JOEY TO COME IN HERE PLEASE? IT WILL BE MY PLEASURE.
JESS? ARE YOU STILL IN THERE? YEAH? HONEY, I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO THE STORE.
THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE OF PLANS.
GUYS! DOES JESSE KNOW DANNY GAVE ME THAT LOVE LETTER? GENTLEMEN I'M GONNA FIND OUT RIGHT NOW WHICH OF MY BEST FRIENDS IS A BACK-STABBING WEASEL.
OK, WHICH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS WOULD LIKE TO ESCORT MY FIANCE TO PICKLETOWN? HEY, I'LL GO.
COME ON, BECKY.
AHA! SO DANNY'S THE WEASEL WHO WANTS MY WEBECCA.
REBECCA.
DANNY, YOU'VE GOT A MILLION THINGS TO DO.
I'LL TAKE BECKY.
HMM, MAYBE JOEY'S THE REAL REASEL.
WEASEL.
JOEY! OH, HI, CINDY.
YOU WANNA TAKE A RIDE TO THE STORE? WITH THE MAN WHO'S TRYING TO STEAL ME FROM DANNY? SORRY, I HAVEN'T SMELLED THE BACK YARD YET.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS JUST STUPID.
I'M JUST GONNA CALL PICKLETOWN.
THEY DELIVER.
IN 30 MINUTES OR LESS, OR YOUR PICKLES ARE FREE.
BECKY, YOU AND I NEED TO TALK.
HELLO, JESSE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, GIBBLER? GOOD, PRETEND YOU DON'T LIKE ME.
BECKY WILL NEVER SUSPECT YOU WROTE ME THAT LOVE LETTER.
KIMMY, YOU GOT SOME GUNK IN YOUR EYE.
BECKY, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I'LL WANT US TO BE FRIENDS.
THANKS, KIMMY.
THAT'S VERY REASSURING.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY NOW.
WAIT TILL THAT ROCK IS ON MY FINGER.
I'M GONNA LEARN TO READ IF IT KILLS ME.
THIS IS A "A.
" THIS IS A APPLE.
SO WHAT? HEY, KID.
DID YOU DELIVER THE LETTER I WROTE TO YOUR SISTER? YES, I DID.
AND WHAT HAPPENED? EVERYTHING WENT BANANAS.
I LOVE IT! YOU DID IT, MICHELLE.
WAY TO GO, KID! COOTCHIE, COOTCHIE.
YOU KNOW WE MAKE A GREAT TEAM TOGETHER.
I'VE GOTTA GET A LOCK FOR MY DOOR.
D.
J.
, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE THIS.
RUSTY WROTE ME A LOVE LETTER.
EW, GROSS! WHAT IS HE THINKING? HE'S TWO YEARS OLDER THAN ME, AND HE'S A COMPLETE COOTIE-BURGER.
I'M GONNA GO DUMP HIM.
STEPH, WAIT A SEC.
MAYBE I SHOULD TALK TO HIM.
IT'S JUST POSSIBLE RUSTY MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE FEELINGS.
NAH! NAH! HEY, STEPH, WHAT'S UP? HOW RUDE! RUSTY, HAVE A SEAT.
LET'S YOU AND I HAVE A TALK.
LET'S TALK ABOUT LOVE.
OK.
WELL, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE READY FOR A GIRLFRIEND, BUT IN MY OPINION, YOU NEED A GIRLFRIEND WHO'S OLDER.
MORE MATURE.
OK.
COME ON! EVERYBODY IN THE KITCHEN! JUST THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID, OKAY? SHE'S ALL OVER ME! WE'LL TALK LATER.
THAT BABE IS HOT FOR THE RUSTMAN! OK, COME ON EVERYBODY! LEND A HAND, IT'S TIME FOR THE FIRST ANNUAL TANNER FAMILY QUALITY TIME BARBECUE.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
EVERYBODY IN LINE.
OH, THIS IS GREAT, IT'S LIKE ONE BIG LOVE TRAIN.
* PEOPLE ROUND THE WORLD JOIN HANDS, UNH * * START A LOVE TRAIN, LOVE TRAIN ** GREAT, I'LL BE THE CABOOSE.
[IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE.]
JOEY, STOP.
YOU WANNA BE THE CABOOSE? JOEY, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I CAN TALK TO ABOUT THIS.
IF JESSE EVER FOUND OUT, HE'D GO CRAZY.
BECK, YOU CAN TRUST ME.
I KNOW.
YOU'RE SO SWEET.
OH, HOW DO I SAY THIS? JOEY, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES A FRIEND BECOMES SO CLOSE TO ANOTHER FRIEND THAT IT TURNS INTO LOVE, WHICH WOULDN'T BE SO BAD IF ONE OF THOSE FRIENDS WASN'T ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED.
JOEY, IS THIS MAKING ANY SENSE? COMPLETE SENSE.
HOLY COW! BECKY'S IN LOVE WITH ME.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? OH, UH, I WAS CHECKING HER PULSE.
YEP.
SHE'S VERY HEALTHY.
MMM.
BOY, THOSE HOT DOGS SMELL GOOD.
NOW I KNOW IT'S JOEY.
I'LL KILL HIM! GOOD THING HE DOESN'T KNOW.
HE'D KILL ME.
HO.
HO HO.
HA HA HA.
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS LETTER.
I KNOW THIS IS A BAD TIME TO BRING IT UP, BUT I HAD TO GET IT OUT INTO THE OPEN.
BECKY'S IN LOVE WITH ME? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO DARNED ATTRACTIVE? HIDE THE LETTER.
JESSE'S COMING.
HERE.
YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
YOU NEVER SAW ME.
NOW GO.
HI, JESS.
I THOUGHT IT WAS JOEY, BUT THAT SILLY GUILTY GRIN.
MAYBE IT'S DANNY.
I'LL KILL BOTH OF THEM, SORT IT OUT LATER.
HERE'S YOUR BURGER, HONEY.
HI, JESSE.
I SAVED YOU A SEAT.
KIMMY, YOU'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT EYE OF YOURS.
I'VE GOTTA TELL JOEY HE DOESN'T HAVE A CHANCE WITH ME.
JOEY? HI, CINDY.
JUST BE HONEST.
YOU HAVE SALAD DRESSING ON YOUR SHIRT.
OH, GEE, THANKS.
WAIT, UH, NO.
THERE'S MORE.
REALLY, WHERE? NO.
NO.
JOEY, SOMETIMES THE WRONG PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE.
OH, IT'S NOT ANYBODY'S FAULT, IT JUST HAPPENS.
I DON'T WANT DANNY TO GET HURT.
SO LET'S JUST TRY TO CONTROL OUR BURNING PASSIONS, ALL RIGHT? I'LL TRY MY BEST.
COME ON, GUYS.
TIME FOR BARBECUE FUN.
FIRST BECKY FALLS FOR ME, NOW CINDY? BOY, THIS NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK COLOGNE REALLY WORKS.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL TANNER FAMILY QUALITY TIME BARBECUE.
I CAN'T SAY THAT ENOUGH.
NOW, EXACTLY WHAT IS QUALITY TIME? I WOULD DEFINE IT AS TIME THAT WE ALL GET TO SPEND TOGETHER ONE FALSE MOVE AND RUSTY GET A WEENIE IN HIS EAR.
D.
J.
IS SUCH A BABE.
WHY IS RUSTY STARING AT ME? DO I HAVE SOMETHING STUCK IN MY TEETH? WHAT AM I GETTING AT HERE? QUALITY-- I'VE GOTTA FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT BECKY FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME.
IT'S A GOOD THING I CAN RAMBLE ON FOR HOURS AND HOURS ANDHOURS.
LOOK AT DANNY, BABBLING ON THE OUTSIDE, BURNING WITH PASSION FOR ME ON THE INSIDE.
LOOK AT THESE WEASELS.
ONE CAN'T SHUT UP, AND THE OTHER NEEDS A BIB.
I'LL BE DOING MANKIND A FAVOR WHEN I KILL THEM.
MRS.
KIMMY KATSOPOLIS.
SOUNDS SO GEEKY.
I'LL HAVE HIM TAKE MY NAME.
MR.
JESSE GIBBLER.
I SURE HOPE BECKY AND CINDY DON'T FIGHT OVER ME RIGHT HERE, ALTHOUGH IT COULD BE FUN IF WE BUILT A MUD PIT.
JOEY IS SWEET, BUT I LIKE DANNY.
OH, HE'S SUCH AN ELOQUENT SPEAKER.
* BORING * * BORING * * WHY IS MY DADDY SO BORING ** GEE, I HOPE SOMEBODY DROPS A HAMBURGER.
SO, TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, LET'S JUST SIT BACK, ALTHOUGH BE CAREFUL, THERE'S NO BACKS ON YOUR CHAIRS-- AND RELAX AND ENJOY SOME FUN QUALITY TIME TOGETHER.
DADDY, CAN I TAKE THIS LOVE LETTER OFF MY HEAD NOW? MICHELLE, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS LETTER? DADDY GAVE IT TO ME.
SO YOU SENT THIS LETTER TO REBECCA? HEY, BECKY GAVE THAT LETTER TO ME.
WHAT? WAIT A MINUTE! YOU GAVE ME THIS LETTER FIRST.
JOEY, DON'T JUST SIT THERE.
YOU KNOW YOU WROTE THIS LETTER TO ME.
WHAT LETTER? THAT'S THE LETTER MY JESSE SENT TO ME.
YEAH-- YOUR JESSE? I GOT THAT LETTER FROM RUSTY.
HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME.
NO WAY! I LOVE D.
J.
, AND SHE LOVES ME.
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE, AND WHERE'S MY REAL FAMILY? HOLD IT.
H-H-H-H-HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
EVERYBODY JUST KNOCK IT OFF.
NOW, SOMEBODY WROTE THAT LETTER AND I WANNA KNOW WHO IT IS RIGHT NOW.
I KNOW WHO.
YOU DO? WHO? IT WAS RUSTY.
SHE'S LYING! RUSTY! OK.
I'M LYING.
I WANTED D.
J.
TO THINK IT WAS A LOVE LETTER FROM THE PAPER BOY.
YOU LITTLE RAT.
PRETTY FUNNY, HUH? I'M GLAD YOU ALL CAN TAKE A JOKE.
YOU ALL CAN TAKE A JOKE, CAN'T YOU? YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER.
COME HERE, RUSTY.
GET HIM! RUSTY.
DON'T RUN AWAY FORM ME, YOUNG MAN.
HI.
HI, RICKY.
HERE, I BROUGHT YOUR DAD'S CHANGE.
OH, THANKS.
SO, UH, BARBECUE? YEAH.
IT'S KIND OF A FAMILY TOGETHERNESS THING.
RUSTY! JESSE, HE'S JUST A KI-- NO.
LET HIM GET HIM! WAIT FOR ME.
WAIT FOR ME.
WAIT FOR ME.
THEY'RE JUST WORKING UP AN APPETITE.
WELL, IF YOU'RE HUNGRY, DIG IN.
GREAT.
THANKS.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY AM GLAD I CAME BACK.
ME, TOO.
OH, MYLANTA! COME HERE, RUSTY! COME HERE! CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL