Get Smart (1965) s04e11 Episode Script

( foghorn bellows ) ( horn toots ) ( gunfire ) They got all the exits covered.
I just don't understand it.
It was supposed to be a carefully guarded secret that the defecting agent was going to be smuggled into this country - in a barrel of sauerkraut.
- Sauerkraut? - Yes.
- I wish you'd told me that before.
- Why? - Because when I was there shooting it out with them I used a barrel of sauerkraut for cover.
It got riddled with bullets.
Max, there are hundreds of barrels here.
The chances that you picked that particular one to hide behind is very unlikely.
I wouldn't bet on that, Chief, because the barrel of sauerkraut I used did a lot of screaming.
I wish I could figure out who tipped off KAOS.
- ( phone ringing ) - Excuse me.
Hello? Hi, honey.
Did I catch you at a bad time? Yes, well, to tell you the truth, 99, the Chief and I are shooting it out with a couple of KAOS agents.
Okay, I'll keep it short.
Would you pick up a-- Hold it, 99.
Chief, I can't hear a word 99 is saying.
Would you put a silencer on your gun? - What is it, sweetheart? - I wondered if you could stop on the way home and pick up a bottle of wine for dinner.
How about a nice bottle of Petit Chablis 1957? That would be marvelous.
Don't forget the corkscrew.
We won't need a corkscrew.
Try not to be late for dinner, Max.
doing home so early? I thought you were out on an assignment.
I was, but I wound it up early.
I was being followed by some KAOS men, but I outsmarted them.
I sent them on a wild goose chase.
- Where did you send them? - To pier 47.
That's too bad.
It would have been better if you'd sent them to pier 50.
- Why? - We're at pier 47.
Listen, honey, I've got to get back to work.
I'll talk to you later.
Right, Max.
And please drive carefully.
I don't want you to have an accident on the way home.
Don't worry, honey, I'll be careful.
Goodbye.
( theme music playing ) Max, let's move.
Listen, Chief, why don't you come home with me tonight and meet the little woman? She's a wonderful girl.
Max, what are you talking about? I've known 99 for years.
Yes, but you just know her as 99 the spy.
You don't know her as 99 the wife.
What are you doing tonight, Chief? Well, the way things are going it looks I'll be right here.
Hmm, well, that doesn't sound like much fun.
Listen, why don't you come home and have dinner with 99 and me? You haven't seen the apartment since it's been redecorated.
- ( clicks ) - I'd love to, Max, but if reinforcements don't get here soon I don't think either you or I will be going home to have dinner with 99.
- I've just run out of ammunition.
- Well, - I guess that leaves it up to me.
- ( clicks ) Don't tell me you ran out of ammunition too.
- I ran out of ammunition.
- I told you not to tell me that.
Max, hand me that bottle.
Wait a minute, Chief.
You can't have this wine.
I'm taking it home.
99 and I are gonna have it with dinner tonight.
Hand me the bottle, Max.
I'm gonna make a Molotov cocktail.
You can't make a Molotov cocktail with wine.
- I know that.
- You have to make it with vodka.
Max, hand me that can over there.
You've got to be very careful when you're opening a bottle of wine, because if you're not, you get little corks floating around in the wine.
Here.
- ( gunfire ) - ( glass shatters ) Here you are, Chief.
Chief, what are you doing? You're getting wine all over the warehouse floor.
You're making a big mess.
Just be quiet and keep your eye on them.
We're in luck, Chief.
They haven't gotten away yet.
I'll light this.
You stay down.
All right, stay down! ( explosion ) - You'd better not look, Chief.
- That bad, Max? Sauerkraut all over the place.
- ( knocks on door ) - Who is it? Woman: Naomi Farkas.
Have you got a minute, honey? - I'll be right with you, Mrs.
Farkas.
- Naomi.
Oh, yeah.
- Hello.
- Hello.
We can smell your delicious cooking all the way next door, and my husband Emil said to me, "Mrs.
Smart is making corned beef and cabbage.
" It's beef Wellington.
Oh, well, Emil's got sinus trouble.
I can't get over how many locks you have on your door.
Oh, well, Max leaves me alone a lot and he likes to feel that I'm safe.
Well, you're lucky to have a husband who cares.
When Emil goes out he leaves the key on top of the mat.
- Oh.
- Surprise.
I knew you were doing something special for your Max this evening, - so I brought you these.
- Oh, isn't that sweet of you? - I'll put them in water.
- No, you cook, I'll put.
Oh.
Oh! Oh, what lovely china.
Emil gets ours from the service station where he gets gas, which he says is very appropriate because that's what my cooking gives him.
Well, I'll put these on the table.
- That's all right.
I can do that.
- Oh, no no no.
I'll do it.
( sighs ) Where's your husband? Taking a nap? - No, he's working late.
- That's one thing Emil hates to do.
- Work late? - No, work.
What is it your husband does for a living? Uh, he's in the greeting card business.
Now that's a good business.
No matter what, there's always a birthday, a graduation, a Christmas.
I wish Emil would get into a business like that.
Your husband wouldn't happen to need a bum for an assistant, would he? - No, I don't think so.
- Well, I won't keep you.
- Enjoy the flowers, honey.
- Thank you.
- ( groans ) - Oh! I've done it again.
Oh, Max, I'm so sorry! That's just reflex action, you know.
I guess I've been a spy longer than I've been a wife and every time someone sneaks up behind me I just automatically-- oh, Max! Oh! It's all right, 99.
It's all right.
Luckily I wasn't standing near an open window like I was last time.
Oh, Max.
Oh, I was just going to kiss you.
All right, but be careful.
How did everything go at pier 47? Everything went pretty good.
We got two KAOS agents, a bottle of wine and a pint of sauerkraut.
Gee, 99, this a beautiful table.
Oh, I'm glad you like it, Max.
The flowers are from Mrs.
Farkas in the next apartment.
- Mrs.
Farkas brought you these flowers? - Mm-hmm.
- Max: What did she do, steal them? - Well, I like that.
I'm nice enough to take them flowers and he wants to know did I steal them.
- Where did you get them? - I stole them.
She spends more time over here with you than I do.
She's always dropping in for a few minutes and staying a few hours asking all kinds of questions, prying.
Oh, Max, she may be a pain in the neck and a busybody, - but she's an awfully sweet person.
- Mmm.
Well, she got two out of three.
Look who's talking-- Mr.
Suave who wears his socks to bed.
I only do that so I won't get my feet dirty from the sheets.
Anyway, I can think of better jobs than sitting around this crummy apartment listening in on a couple of CONTROL agents.
Maybe you can think of better jobs, but you can't get any.
If my brother Arnold weren't district manager of KAOS, we wouldn't even have this, O mighty prince of unemployment.
- 99.
- Yes, Max.
- Guess who's coming to dinner.
- Who? The Chief.
Oh, boy, if this isn't enough, now we've got to sit around and listen to an Indian all night.
The Chief of CONTROL, dummy.
This is the chance we've been waiting for.
Max, did you say the Chief? You invited your boss for dinner tonight? What are you talking about, my boss? He's your boss too.
Well, I know that, but this is the first time he's been to dinner since we've been married.
And I am your wife and he is your boss, and I wanted - everything to be perfect.
- 99.
Oh, Max, you could have given me some warning.
All we're having is artichoke hearts vinaigrette with fresh baby shrimp and vichyssoise and beef Wellington.
Well, he'll just have to take pot luck, that's all.
And dessert-- we don't have any dessert.
And you know how the Chief loves dessert.
Well, why don't you serve the vichyssoise as dessert and tell him that it was potato ice cream that melted? I'll think of something.
Max, what did the Chief give us for a wedding gift? Why? What difference does it make? If he doesn't see it, he'll think we didn't like it.
- What was it he gave us? - I don't remember, but I'm sure it was something we didn't like.
( gasps ) Max! It doesn't look like an apartment anymore.
It looks like a trading-stamp redemption center.
Yes, well, you told me to put everything out, 99.
Well, everything appropriate to a living room.
Well, I'll put the rest of the stuff away.
Can you imagine anybody giving a croquet set to somebody who lives in an apartment? - ( doorbell rings ) - Max, he's here.
- Oh, hi, Chief.
- Hi, Max.
- Come on in.
- Hello, 99.
- Hello, Chief.
- 99, your apartment looks lovely.
You and Max have done a fabulous job of redecorating.
- Thank you, Chief.
- What's all this? Wedding gifts, Chief.
And we certainly loved yours.
How do you know? You haven't opened it yet.
Yes, well, we know we're gonna love it.
- We'll open it right after dinner.
- I hope you like it.
It's a croquet set.
Chief, can I take your attache case? Oh, no, thanks, Max.
It's top secret.
It contains the names of all the KAOS agents who are about to defect to us.
- ( slurping ) - Could you hold it down, please? Chief: There's an emergency meeting at the Pentagon tonight and I'm going to go there directly from here.
- How do you like that? - I don't.
It's terrible.
If you weren't so busy stuffing yourself, you would have heard what they were saying.
Look, the only reason I eat this food is because the garbage man refuses to take it away.
Well, if you'd been listening, you'd know that the Chief has an attache case full of top secret papers with him.
- So? - So if we can get those papers, - it might mean a big bonus for us! - Yeah.
And we sure could use the extra money.
We could eat out more.
We've got to get a look at the names on that list.
But it's going to take finesse.
Yeah.
Why don't we kill them? Oh, that's some finesse.
KAOS goes to all the trouble to set us up with a permanent pipeline to their apartment to learn CONTROL's secrets, and you want to blow the whole thing by killing them.
No, we've got to get in there and take pictures of that list.
If we could just get them out of the way for a few minutes.
Wait a minute.
Why don't we poison them? Well, not enough to kill them, but just enough to make them very sick.
But what can we give them to make them that sick? Mmm.
99, that's the most delicious meal I've had in months.
Oh, I'm so glad you enjoyed it, Chief.
- She's a great cook, Max - You should taste her cornflakes.
Well, how would you like some coffee now? - Oh, I'd love some - Good.
- with my dessert.
- With your dessert? - Mm-hmm.
- You'd like your dessert right now? - Now is fine.
- Okay, I'll get you some dessert.
- Would you like a little more wine? - Well, just a drop.
I've got to be at that meeting in an hour.
- You forgot to take the cork out, Max.
- Oh, thank you.
- Say when.
- When! Oh, dessert, dessert, dessert! - ( knocks on door ) - Who is it? Naomi Farkas.
Have you got a minute, honey? - I'm sorry, right now I'm-- - Now listen, my brother and his wife were supposed to come to dinner this evening, but at the last minute they couldn't make it.
So I thought maybe you and your hubby might like some extra dessert.
- ( gasps ) - Chocolate mousse.
- You are a lifesaver, Mrs.
Farkas! - Naomi.
- Naomi.
- Oh, nonsense.
What are neighbors for? Now you run along and eat it before it gets stale.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Oh, my pleasure.
Oh.
Surprise! Chocolate mousse.
- Oh.
- Don't wait for me.
I'm on a diet.
- I'll get you some coffee.
- Chocolate mousse is my favorite dessert, 99.
- Oh, good.
- You know, you're a very lucky man.
artichoke vinaigrette, vichyssoise beyond compare, - superb beef Wellington - ( groans ) and a terrible chocolate mousse.
I only put in a drop of the stuff.
- I can't understand it.
- Me neither.
You'd think the poison would have improved the taste.
Well, how are you enjoying the chocolate mousse? - Well, um - Chief? - Mmm.
- Max? ( moans ) Mm-hmm.
The coffee's almost ready.
I'll go get it.
( chuckles ) Max, I'm getting a pain in my stomach.
Me too, Chief.
I'm not eating any more of this stuff.
- Where are you going? - I'm gonna dump it in this plant.
No, I'd better not.
It might kill it.
- It's a plastic plant.
- I know, but it might kill it anyway.
We're gonna have to finish this, otherwise we're gonna hurt - Oh! - What? ( sings ) ( Chief groans ) Oh! ( continues singing ) Well, I'm glad you're having such a good time.
Oh, yes, this is lots of fun, 99.
Why don't you just join right in? How did you like the dessert, Chief? Fine.
There's more if you want it.
No, thank you, 99.
I have to watch my weight.
Oh-hh! Shh.
Not so loud, Chief.
Max, do you have anything we can take for our stomachs? There must be something upstairs in the medicine chest.
What if there isn't? What will we take? A cab to the nearest hospital! They're out of the room.
Now we can get over there and photograph that list.
My plan is beginning to work.
What do you mean, your plan is beginning to work? She didn't eat any dessert.
Now how are we gonna take pictures with her around? Don't worry, I'll keep her busy in the kitchen.
I'll help her do the dishes.
- Meanwhile, you take the pictures.
- No no no.
You are not going to do the dishes over there until - you've done the dishes here first.
- What? I know you, Naomi.
We'll get the pictures and then we'll come back here and you'll say, "Look, I did the dishes over there.
Now it's your turn to do the dishes over here.
" No, thank you.
Emil I'm not one to make threats, but if you don't do what I'm telling you to do, I'm warning you, I'll get up tomorrow morning and make you breakfast.
I'll get the camera.
( humming ) - ( knocks on door ) - Who is it? - Naomi: It's me again.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How did your dinner go? - Did Max like the mousse? - Oh, he loved it.
- And so did our guest.
- I didn't know you had a guest.
Yes, Max brought the Ch-- his boss home for dinner.
Oh, I bet you made a great impression.
Well, I think I did, Mrs.
Farkas.
Together: Naomi.
Listen, dear, you keep on rinsing your dishes - and I'll start clearing.
- Oh, please don't go - to all that trouble-- - It's no trouble at all.
- I need the exercise.
I'll jog.
- Oh.
Did you bring the camera? They're upstairs and she's in the kitchen.
So you take the pictures in there, so that if anyone comes back unexpectedly they won't see you.
- Yes, but I need-- - Shh shh, get in there.
( groans ) You're lucky to have such lovely things, honey.
Look at these exquisite wine goblets.
I'd love to have some, but peanut butter doesn't come in them.
( laughs ) ( whispers ) Emil, are you taking the pictures? Yeah, but I don't think they're gonna turn out so good.
- Why not? - There's no flash on this camera.
Dummy, you've been taking pictures in the dark? I'm a dummy? You're the one that shoved me in here.
Shut up.
Come and take them out here.
- We don't have much time.
- ( Max groaning ) I've tried everything in the medicine cabinet and nothing worked.
Not even those little chocolate things.
- Chief.
- Huh? I think you'd better rest over there - on the couch for a while.
- All right.
- I'll be back in a few minutes.
- Where are you going? I'm going into the kitchen to destroy that recipe.
Suppose you can't find it? Then I'm going to destroy the kitchen.
( groaning ) - Max? - What? If she tries to stop you, kill her.
- 99.
- I think the dinner went well, Max.
- Yes.
- The Chief seemed to enjoy it.
I have to tell you.
He went through the artichokes and the beef Wellington like he hadn't eaten in a week.
But there's one thing I can't take credit for, that's the dessert.
You certainly can't.
No.
Mrs.
Farkas made the mousse.
- Mrs.
Farkas made the mousse? - Mm-hmm.
It was really a coincidence.
Remember I told you I didn't have any dessert? Well, it was almost as though she knew that, because when I came out into the kitchen desperately looking for something to serve the Chief there she was with the mousse.
Max, can I talk to you for a minute? It was a lovely dinner, 99.
( whispers ) Hurry up and take the pictures.
We'll have to do it more often, Chief.
- ( gasps ) Mrs.
Farkas.
- Naomi.
Keep your voice down, honey, and don't yell for your husband.
- You might as well know we're KAOS.
- ( whimpers ) You're holding a gun on her and I'm taking pictures of secret documents.
Who else would she think we were, Sonny & Cher? So you see, Chief, it wasn't 99 who made the chocolate mousse.
It was our neighbor Mrs.
Farkas.
- Farkas.
Farkas - Yes, they moved in two weeks ago.
That name sounds familiar to me, Max.
Farkas.
Describe them to me.
Well, let me see now.
- Short, muscular, tough-looking.
- What did she look like? - That's her.
- Of course! Naomi Farkas.
She and her husband work for KAOS.
Her brother, Arnold Borgia, is district manager.
Yes, I remember him.
He started to work for KAOS at the same time I started to work for CONTROL.
And now he's district manager? Boy, they sure get promoted faster over there.
You're missing the point.
If Naomi Farkas is a KAOS agent and she made the chocolate mousse and we're sick, it stands to reason she tried to poison us.
But, Chief, if they wanted to kill us why would they take the slow way? Maybe they didn't want to kill us.
Maybe they wanted us sick enough so that we'd have to leave the room because there's something out there they want.
Of course-- our wedding gifts.
No, Max, something more important.
My attache case! - ( knocks on door ) - Who is it? - ( knocks on door ) - Will you wait a minute? There's someone at the front door.
( muffled cries ) Max, the Farkases, they're KAOS agents.
They stole the Chief's attache case.
- I'm going after them, 99.
- They got too much of a head start.
You'll never catch them.
- Then there's only one thing to do.
- What's that, Chief? This is a new device invented by the lab-- the CONTROL remote control, developed for just such an emergency as this.
Now when I press this button it will blow up that attache case wherever it is.
What about the secret papers? They'll be destroyed.
Well, better that than have them fall into the hands of KAOS.
Now when I press this button in five seconds that attache case will go up in smoke.
Five Max, is this your black attache case in here? - Four - I thought yours was brown.
- Three - It is brown.
- Two - The Chief's is black.
- One! - ( gasps ) All: The Chief's! - 99, are you all right? - Yes, I think so.
What did--? They took Max's attache case by mistake.
Oh, and I blew up mine when I didn't even have to.
- Oh.
- This whole list of KAOS defectors that Kensington worked on for so long.
- Was that the Kensington list? - Yes.
Why? Well, I helped Kensington decode that list.
- You did? - I didn't know what it was at the time, but I dashed off a copy of that list in pencil.
Max, that's wonderful.
There's just one problem: I'll have to go to that meeting with you because I'm the only one who can read my own notes.
Max, I don't know how to thank you.
I'm proud of you.
I am really proud of you.
Now come on, let's go.
We'll be late for the meeting.
- for a delicious dinner.
- Aww.
Wait a minute, Chief.
I forgot to kiss 99 goodbye.
Well, hurry up, Max.
- ( 99 yells ) - ( Max groans ) Chief: Max! - Oh, no.
I did it again.
- What happened? It's just this reflex thing I do.
Every time someone sneaks up behind me, I just automatically-- - ( groans ) - Oh, Chief! Did it again.
( theme music playing )