It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s04e11 Episode Script

He really has an ugly face.
He is certainly ugly.
But, you know what, that's not really what bothers me about this.
What bothers me is that he looks like an old woman.
- Right! - Yeah.
Well, he is wearing a lot of blush on those cheekbones, but I feel like that was the look of the times.
No, no, but it's not just that though, Mac, it's not.
I mean, a lot of presidents somehow end up looking like women.
I mean, look at Ronald Reagan, right? Now, why would you hang a painting like this on your wall? Well, it's the Historical Society, bro.
They have to hang it up.
Oh, well, we got to suffer just because some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep chopped down a cherry tree, like, ten million years ago? It's just, he looks terrible! You know what? Let's take it down.
It's just gonna distract us through the meeting.
- Yeah, let's get it down, man.
- Let's take it down.
It's not gonna work.
It's just gonna distract us.
Unbelievable.
It's bolted to the wall.
Well, that proves our point, man.
We're not the first people to try and take that thing down.
Yeah, but we're gonna be the first ones to actually succeed.
- Come on, let's tear it down, Charlie.
- Let's just rip it off the wall, man.
- Rip it right off the wall.
- Whoa, guys, guys, guys.
I got a pocketknife.
Just cut it out of the frame.
That's a good idea.
'Cause I really, I've had enough of this dude.
- Just cut it right out of the frame.
- What are you doing? - Do you want this up? - Yes.
Yes, I do.
Uh, may I help you gentlemen with something? Yeah, yeah.
Actually, we're here because we want to get our bar certified as a historic landmark.
We want tourists to be able to come by Paddy's Pub as part of the walking tour of Philly.
You know, they can come by, suck up some history, do some shots, get blasted.
In order to be considered as a historical site, your bar would have to have some historical significance.
Well, trust us when we tell you that Paddy's Pub played an extremely important part in history.
Mm, and what, uh, part of history might that be? The cracking of the Liberty Bell, of course.
So you're claiming that your bar had a direct role in the cracking of the Liberty Bell? - Absolutely.
- Well, then tell me about it.
Well, the year was - No.
Really? - Let Dennis, let Dennis - Let me tell the story, Charlie.
- Okay.
The year was 1776.
And Paddy's Pub, then known, of course, as Patrick's Pub, was a hotbed of revolutionary activity.
Revolutionaries from all over the country had come together to gather at Patrick's Pub to speak of war and revolution.
Will you look at that? Sons of Liberty.
Patriots meeting in our bar, speaking of revolution and freedom.
Can you believe it, dear brother? We're witnessing history in the making.
I do not give a shit, Deandra.
Now, get me a flagon of ale.
Get your own ale, dick.
You are my slave.
You have to get me flagons of ale.
I saved you from being burned at the stake for being a witch.
You're the one who accused me of being a witch in the first place, Dennis.
Well, what's done is done.
That's all in the past now.
So you can either be a slave witch in the bar, or you can be a burned up witch outside.
Up to you! Flagon of ale now? Guys, guys, guys, I've got some news! I've got some terrible news! - Oh, MacDonald, how goes it? - Not good.
You know that chick I've been banging down at Independence Hall? - Mm, the fat one.
- She's not that fat.
Yeah, she's pretty fat, dude.
Good one, witch.
Well, whatever.
She told me in complete confidence that a bunch of old dudes down there are drafting a declaration-- a declaration of independence.
Wait, why would we want to be free from the British? This declaration is gonna start an all-out war.
We have to make sure we are not on the losing side.
- Definitely.
- Okay, clearly the British are gonna win this thing.
- Clearly.
- All right, we have to make sure that the Crown knows that we're on their side.
We have to make our own declaration.
Yes.
Yes, we need to make a declaration of dependence.
Buy a pelt here! We have raccoon, we have foxes! Ho, there, sir.
Now, my good gentleman, what says you of my fine furs here? Merrily I be able to guide you toward some interest in some purchase.
I can't understand what you're saying.
- You want to buy a fur? - Yeah.
In July? No, thanks.
Not so fast now.
That's a nice looking cart of pumpkins you got here.
Uh, what says you we maketh some trade, hmm? - All my furs for all your pumpkins.
- No.
All right, aye-aye-aye-aye- aye-aye-aye-aye! One pumpkin.
- Deal.
- All righty! Wait, wait, wait, whoa, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.
We're not traders, Charlie.
We're thieves.
You want his pumpkins, we kill him and take his pumpkins.
This is 1776.
We'll get away with it! - I can hear you.
- Yeah, all right, very good.
This is how it will go down.
I will beat the man about the face and the neck and maybe the chest area and possibly the groin until he's no longer consisting of life pulse.
And then you can collect up the man's cart.
I shall findeth a stick.
Yes! Well, we'll need a stick to do the bashing.
Sit tight, sir.
Pick a stick, any stick you like.
All right, well, methinks the rod to be the most suitable for our purposes.
Ah, very nice rod.
Go with that rod.
Okey dokey dokey do.
Uh-oh! He's gone.
What? He stole our furs! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You shit head.
- Hey, look on the bright side, Franklin.
We got ourselves a pumpkin.
This is gonna work.
I can't believe you dressed like that, bro.
Um, excuse me, this is a good plan, okay? If we're gonna get this declaration into the hands of the queen, we need to dress the part.
It's not the way the British dress, bro.
- They dress like this.
- No, British commoners dress like you're dressed-- British peons, okay? I'm dressed like a nobleman, okay? These people respond to royalty.
Hey, guys, come on.
Please help.
Just use your witch strength, slave.
Yeah, it's not that much further.
God! Uh, pardon me, pardon me, good sirs.
But which of you gentlemen happens to be the highest ranking military officer here? That would be me.
Cricket.
Colonel Cricket.
What is your business, sirs? Ah, well, Colonel, we are the owners of the fine local establishment Patrick's Pub.
Patrick's Pub! Yes, of course, of course.
The liberty bar.
- You harbor patriots.
- Oh, whoops, no, no, no.
- No.
- No, myth.
- Myth.
- Bad intel there.
Yeah, bad intel.
Bit of a miscommunication.
Actually, that is why we're here.
Uh, we drew up this declaration.
We also included an illustration that we had hoped would illuminate our intentions towards the queen, huh? This appears to be a rendering of the two of you sodomizing the king whilst the queen is forced to witness.
- Oh, no! - Goodness gracious, no! No, look.
I'm holding homeboy's arms back.
Dennis is ready to jam him in the face, - and the queen is impressed.
- Yeah, that's a bad guy, that's not the king.
- Uh, we're doing bad stuff to the bad - Give me this.
- You know, you don't get it.
- Let's get the ale.
The ale.
Wench, now, the ale, presenteth it.
Okay, set that down in front of him.
And, uh, yes, good Colonel, we present this ale to you and your men in hopes that it will fuel the British to victory.
Madam.
- Whoa! Hey! - What the hell you doing? Get out of here! You're making a big mess! Get back to the bar! - I'm really sorry.
That was huge! - Yeah.
That's That hit you right in the face, didn't it? You know what? We don't condone that sort of thing, okay? We're going to tar and feather the shit out of her when she gets back.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
I pray you, who is that fiery wench? Her? Oh, that's just my sister Deandra.
- She's a slave.
- Yeah.
And a witch.
Yeah.
You keep your sister as your slave? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Aye.
So are we good here now? What's the deal? Gentlemen, you have both proven to me in the very short time that I've known you that you are both slanderous perverts lacking any semblance of moral fortitude.
However, I do desire to seek further counsel with the lady.
Uh lady? Oh, the the witch! The same girl we've just been talking about? You don't really think she's a a witch, do you? - Yeah.
Yeah, she's a witch.
- Yeah.
I'm pretty sure.
Pretty sure.
All right, look.
I wish to court her in some manner, and I could use your help because I'm not, admittedly, very good with women.
Good with women? You mean good at women? Like, you can't catch them when they run away from you? Bro, it's 1776.
They don't have any rights.
You can just take them and force them to do whatever you want.
I do not wish to take her.
I would like to win her favor, like a gentleman does a lady.
- That just does not compute with me.
- I don't understand what you're saying.
Digging the accent, but don't understand you.
- Are you saying you're gay? - All right, escort them out! Oh, no.
We we Okay.
Are you going to drink the beer? - No, leave it.
Out.
- Just drink the beer.
Maybe you'll get some balls and you can take the woman.
- Fire! - Ready? - Yes.
Shoot.
- All right.
One, two, three.
Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing? I stole a bunch of guns! I'm testing them out, Charles! This revolution is going to make us a fortune! All right.
Well, leave the pumpkin out of it.
- The pumpkin's innocent! - Shoot the pumpkin.
- Do not shoot the pumpkin please.
- Okay.
- Give me the gun.
- Fine.
Why is the witch lady shooting at you anyway? - Maybe she used her sorcery.
- Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar and said he stole a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head, and of course I did, so here we are.
- Damn your necromancy, woman! - No, I'm not.
Maybe, if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch.
You know what, okay, you guys.
I tell you what, you win.
I'm a witch, okay? I'm a witch! And I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns.
Charlie, goddamn it! - Give me that gun.
- She cursed the gun! She cursed the gun.
She put a curse on the gun! Let's try this one.
Nothing! Try on me.
Damn those Sons of Liberty sons of bitches, Dennis.
Those guys are going to get us in so much trouble.
- Let's do this.
- No, no, no, no! - You hang back.
- What? Me? Why? Because, dude, we need to get as much intel from these guys as we possibly can for that Colonel Cricket.
This fop thing is going to totally blow our cover.
What's going on with your mouth? - Oh, I got some wooden teeth put in.
- Did you? Yeah.
Well, all the patriots are doing it, including Washington, which is why it makes sense, okay, if we're going undercover! - Not this fop bullshit! - No, the fop thing's good, man.
I got a plan with it.
Yeah.
I got an angle.
Fine.
Okay, listen.
- You let me take the lead, okay? - Yeah.
Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You son of a bitch.
Fellas! How you doing? A couple of flagons of ale for you! So I just want to say, we love what you're doing over here.
I mean, taxation with representation, right? So, uh what's the buzz, huh? What are we all talking about, huh? Surrender, maybe? - We speak of revolution.
- Revolution? Revolution! That's great! I'm completely on top of that! Hey, fellas, who's taking the minutes here? 'Cause I feel like I could be an asset to you as a secretary, and-- Let's start by taking down all of their names.
- First and last, please.
- Son of a bitch.
Gentlemen, I think this meeting is adjourned.
You stupid son of a bitch, dude! What are you doing with the accent and the British? Goddamn it! Yeah.
No, no, no.
I just decided to go a different way.
- The spy thing wasn't really working.
- Yeah? What way was that? Well, your wooden teeth whistly-tooth thing? That was bad.
- That wasn't working.
- My teeth were a smashing success.
We are in dire straits here, okay? We need a change of plan.
I think the only way we're going to convince these people that we're on their side is to become 100% British.
- To become British? - We gotta commit to the fop thing.
That actually seems pretty sensible, Dennis.
No more "S's" for you.
It's just so cramped in here.
I mean, you'd think people who came here so many years before the English, that they'd build bigger houses! Yeah.
You'd think they'd have huge homes.
What is the sleeping situation in here? You think this father and son are sleeping on the same bearskin together? Probably.
Where else they going to sleep? What a bunch of losers! I'm telling you, a bunch of inbred savages.
I speak English.
Oh, shit! For real? Yes.
Oh, that's not good.
We didn't mean to Our bad.
Uh, just tell me.
How much land are you going to give away for a pumpkin these days? Charlie Charlie, listen.
What we need is your magical powers to lift the curses from our guns.
- Gag-ga da boom.
- Okay? - We're going to pay you.
- Oh, yeah.
We gotta pay you.
We'll give you this.
We brought this for you.
- Booze! Right? - Booze.
Makes you feel good.
Helps you sleep.
Brings the tribe together.
You want me to scalp them? That young Indian was fast with the tomahawk! He really lobbed a big hunk off your head up here.
He's going to make me look deformed! Yeah.
And you're going to be deformed for the rest of your life.
Give me that skunk pelt.
I'll use it for hair.
- Don't push! Don't push! - All right.
- It's look cool.
- It looks pretty good.
- Lady Deandra? - Yes? Can I help you? Colonel Cricket.
We met the other day I was the one you delivered the keg to - You spit in my face.
- Oh! Yep.
Yep.
There it is.
Indeed.
Forgive my rather unadorned approach, but from the first moment I laid my eyes on you I was smitten.
Perhaps my impatience has gotten the best of me, but if you will have me, I would be most honored to call you my wife.
A simple "no" would have sufficed.
Okay, all right, that one got in my mouth.
That's really not cool.
You listen to me, you pale-faced English dickhole, you got a revolution coming.
And pretty soon, all of the slaves are gonna be free, and I will be owned by no man.
- I am a fool - Yeah.
having allowed myself to imagine us back in my sprawling manor in England.
You on my arm, adorned in magnificent garments, dressed in the finest jewels.
Cricks, back it up a little bit.
You talking about garments and jewelry? But alas, my love cannot mend our differences.
Oh, no-no-no, wait-wait-wait-wait! Your love, your love can.
Your love is, your love is currently doing that, so You didn't mention anything about the sprawling manor and all the garments.
- That was stupid.
- But I-I thought that you just said Yeah, I did, I did, I did, but it's your love, it's, like, filling me up with all kinds of stuff.
- Is it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is! - Let's do this! Let's get married! - What? - Oh, Lady Deandra - Yes! you have made me the happiest man alive! We're gonna have to work up to that, though, 'cause you are crazy ugly.
Keep your pants on, curly.
You want the slave, you gotta pay for the slave.
- What? - I'm sorry.
We're not gonna give it to you for free.
You gotta sweeten the pot, eh? - How'd you like to buy some guns? - Yes.
Guns? - I shall buy your guns.
- Yes! - I shall buy your guns! - No-no-no-no-no, not yet.
Hey, hey-hey, hey.
Why does he keep spitting in my mouth? Who is this man? Ah, hello to you, sirs, and to you, ladies.
These heels are almost impossible to walk in.
Well, get over it, dude.
You gotta walk in 'em, okay? Now let me hear the voice.
No, I don't think that the voice is entirely necessary, so I'm not gonna do it.
If we're gonna wipe away all traces of our colonial background and blend in with British culture, we need to walk the walk - and we need to talk the talk.
- Fine.
How do you do it? Your voice needs to come off as elegant (with English accent): as your clothing, okay? So try this.
Would you like a spot of tea? You-- "Yeeees!" Would you like a spot of tea? Ye-es.
- Draw it out more.
- Draw it out more than that? Yees! Yees! That's good.
Those wooden teeth are killing me.
That lisp is stupid.
I think the wooden teeth are the whole thing that's saving this thing.
- You sound ridiculous, dude.
- No, I don't.
It sounds pretty good.
I'm not losing the teeth.
Let's just move past that.
Let's keep walking.
Okay, try it again.
Try it again.
Yeeees! Yees! Yeees! - Yees! - Good, good, good.
- Now, flourish the pinkie.
- Flourish the pinkie.
Yees! Well, what have we got here? A pair of poofs about town.
Sodomites in frilly lace.
- No! - No, no! - Nayeth.
- Oh, nayeth, nayeth.
No, we are simply two noble Britishmen out on a stroll.
- Good day, sir.
- Good day.
Oh! Boys get the tar.
Shit.
Deandra, come and help me count my gold.
I'm not your slave anymore, Franklin.
I'm about to go live like the goddamn Queen of England and never see you two bitches again.
Charles, I told you the revolution pays.
Yeah, yeah, but look at this, huh? Guys, there is a full-fledged revolution happening outside right now! It is a bloodbath! We have got to do something! What? Uh, let's back up and talk about what this is.
No, no, no, this is not important.
This is not important right now, okay? - I think it's very important.
- There's a war happening outside - and we need to - We were acting like British noblemen, and then he couldn't drop the she-male thing, so we got tarred and feathered for being Sodomites! It is not a she-male thing Goddamn it, we don't have time for this! Help! Help me! Are you okay? Are you dying? No, no, no, don't die yet! Don't die yet until you get me to your mansion.
No, I'm unscathed, my darling.
- Oh, thank God.
- This is the blood of my men.
We've suffered too many casualties.
- All our guns jammed.
- Blame that on your witch wife.
Let me see that.
Permit me to hide out here till British reinforcements arrive and massacre the entire lot of rebels.
Then shall we escape safely together, my darling? Oh, okay.
I'm gonna go get you some water.
Yeah, hey, Cricks, when the reinforcements get here, Dennis and I are cool, right? We're not on your shit list? Yeah, like, we got tarred and feathered for your ass, so Protect me, and I shall make sure that all of you are safe for the mighty soul Shit! Goddamn it, Frank.
You just ruined my all life.
- Wait, wait, wait, check his pulse.
- He doesn't have a head.
Oh, my God.
If the British come in here and find this body, we are screwed.
Oh, Jesus! He's right.
We've got to get rid of this body.
How are we gonna to do that? - Maybe we could bury.
- No, there's no time.
We've got to burn that body.
- It's gonna go to their intention.
- Let's cut it of in pieces.
I've got an idea.
- Yeah? You have it? - It's heavy.
Shit! Bro, we just broke the liberty bell.
I'll get you, my pretty! It's totally broken.
Knock this story! - Okay? - We weren't finish yet.
Just a I've finished listening.
Have you now? Okay, that's fair.
The end, I guess.
So, are we in an historical landmark, now? - No! - You got to be kidding me! - Such a good story.
- Maybe she didn't understand the story.
- Maybe skim too much.
- Yeah, let's tell the false story this time.
- We won't leave out any details.
- A lot more details.
You know what? Sit back, get concentreted, it's gonna get a low longer this time.
- You're ready? - The start is the same.
The year was 1776