Life in Pieces (2015) s04e11 Episode Script

1 Edna, it is great to see you.
This is crazy, I mean, you clean my mom's house and now you're gonna clean this house.
(CHUCKLES) You really took us on a ride there, Greg.
Yeah, well, I'm excited.
- I mean, she-she watched me grow up.
- Mm-hmm.
Your kids masturbating into socks yet? Oh.
(LAUGHS) That-that, that w-wasn't me, that was, that was Matthew or possibly Heather.
Uh, any other questions, you know, about, uh, the house or our expectations? Nope.
See? She's easygoing, she is low-maintenance, she is Edna.
Well, listen, we're so glad you're available.
Managing two kids and two careers, this place is always a wreck.
Yeah, and if you can keep this house as crisp and sharp as the creases you iron into my dad's jeans, - pfft we'll be in business a long time.
- Great.
What time do you want me to be here tomorrow? Nothing's too early.
You just tell us when to have our robes on.
Or in Greg's case, his sock off.
Edna? We're home.
Ooh, I can smell the floor polish.
Yeah, I spilled some on the couch, sorry.
It's wet now, but it'll dry hard.
Well, there goes our movie night.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, I can't stay, anyway, and honestly I can't stand the smell.
- See you next week.
- GREG: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you think you're doing? - Come on, bring it on in.
- Oh.
- (LAUGHING) - Ah, thank you so much, Edna.
- You're the best.
- All right.
(LAUGHS) There she goes first valid inductee to the Housekeeper Hall of Fame! (CHUCKLING) See? I told you.
She may have shown up late, but she left on time.
God.
Greg, the house looks no different than it did when we left this morning, aside from the stain on our couch.
She did say that she hates dirt, and clearly she's been avoiding it.
Okay, it looks like she made a batch of cookies and ate them.
Oh, right.
She's always had a sweet tooth.
- It's her only vice.
- (GROANING) Oh, and she also drank the good Scotch.
It's her other only vice.
She didn't even make the bed.
No, wait.
I made the bed before we left.
Greg, she took a nap.
Well, let's see you drink four fingers of Scotch and stay up.
- Are you defending her? - No.
You're right, okay? I mean, she's got a great vibe, but she apparently has lost her touch.
Hi, Joan.
Listen, I was wondering if I could talk to you about Edna.
Oh, she's got a great vibe, doesn't she? She does, yeah, and, you know, we were really excited about having a great cleaning lady.
The thing is, at our house, it turns out, she's just a lady, and not even that.
I mean, sh-she doesn't even flush.
Oh, well, there are some quirks you have to work around.
Now, where did I put the duster? Here it is, right in front of me.
What are you doing? Doesn't Edna do that? Oh, brilliantly.
That's how I learned, by watching her, but she really doesn't reach above her shoulders anymore.
Oh.
Is that, like, a health thing? No, no, that's an attitude thing.
But she excels at cleaning things between chest and knees.
- That's the Edna pocket.
- Hmm, yeah.
That would make sense, 'cause our Scotch was in the Edna pocket.
Oh, well, generally, if you hide it behind something, she'll miss it.
(WHISPERING): Hey, keep it down.
You're gonna wake Edna.
What? She's here now? - Yeah.
- Yeah, it's her cleaning day.
But you're the one doing all the cleaning.
I mean, does she do anything? - Well, she ironed John's jeans.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I could wear these to church.
But right now, you know, I'm just gonna wear 'em to the gym.
Look at the edge on this.
You could cut a steak with them.
GREG (SIGHS): Okay, well, I put both kids to bed.
Great.
And I put Edna to bed.
On the air mattress? With her bad back? What? No.
Greg, she's not sleeping here.
I-I fired her.
You fired her? Wh-Why? Because, you said it yourself, she's lost her touch.
I mean, she is terrible.
I thought she just wasn't doing anything here.
Turns out, she's not doing anything anywhere.
But she's like family.
What if, with all of your imperfections, I just decided to fire you? Yeah, that-that-that came out wrong.
I'm just saying, she's more than just a cleaning person to us.
Greg, we don't need more than a cleaning person.
- We need a cleaning person.
- (SIGHS) JOAN: Jen, how could you fire Edna? She's family.
- She's despondent.
She can't clean.
- Yeah.
She doesn't clean, though.
That is the problem.
This is terrible.
She didn't touch the dinner I made for her.
- GREG (GASPS): It's that bad? - Yeah.
What are we gonna do? I mean, we should throw her a Scotch party to get her out of her depression.
Nope.
Wrong direction.
Not doing that.
What does this woman have over you? I mean, I know she's got the sock thing with Greg.
Sock thing? (SCOFFS) I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, she's talking about you using socks - to explore your body.
- Yeah.
- You-you knew about that? - No.
Jen, you are a good mother.
You work very hard.
You deserve a clean house.
And I will take care of Edna.
Thank you.
Hi.
GREG: Hey, babe.
Place is looking pretty good, huh? (CLICKS TONGUE) What? This is how you took care of Edna? Shh, shh, shh, she's asleep.
Is she wearing my sweatpants? Yeah.
But she ironed 'em first.
I was just watching Antiques Roadshow, and the most exciting thing happened.
Someone found out their old junk was worth slightly more than they thought? No! Well, yes.
But the point is, guy was showing off one of those floaty pens, you know? The ones that I used to bring you from all those flights I logged.
The only things I ever remember you bringing us home from your trips were exotic strains of the flu.
No, the floaty pens.
The one you-you tipped over, and the girl's top slid off.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right, I remember.
It's the gift every girl dreams of getting from her father.
Well, now they're actually worth a lot of money.
So, go get yours.
I want to display them.
Oh, I have no idea where mine are.
Yeah, and I gave mine to Matt, so, good going, Matt.
Dad, why do you think that we would keep track of airport gift shop pens? Oh, I get it.
I should've given you collector's knives so you could have driven them right into my heart.
They used to sell collector's knives in the airport? Huh.
I told Jen, as long as Edna gets six hours of sleep at night and a solid eight during the day, she'll be fine.
Oh, my kids.
I need to talk to you.
Your father is very upset about those pens, and guess who gets to bear the burden of that load.
Thank you very much.
- Mom, seriously? - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, why does Dad care so much about those cheap, trashy pens that objectified women? Honey, it was a different time.
A worse time, but still.
Mom, Dad is totally overreacting to all of this.
He sent us all nasty e-mails questioning our paternity.
- What? - I didn't get an e-mail.
You didn't? No.
You will.
Sure he's just, you know, sending them out individually.
(PHONE CHIMES) Just got another one.
Those pens were your dad's way of saying that he missed you and he loved you.
Because saying that out loud makes him feel "weird.
" - Well, now I feel terrible.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, guys, we got to try and find these things.
- Yeah, all your stuff is in the garage.
- GREG: Okay.
HEATHER: Oh! My books! (GASPS) I used to love to read.
Do you remember when I was gonna be a Supreme Court justice? I don't know what happened.
Oh! My old bongs! Mm! Aw, sweet! My 'nocs! (LAUGHS): Oh, man! I used to peep the illest birds with these bad boys.
HEATHER: Yeah, you told us you used to use those to watch Melanie Weber take showers.
I just wanted you guys to think I was cool.
That's not what it made us think.
So, this is the last box.
That makes four "Heathers," six "Gregs," and zero "Matts.
" Always nice to take a trip down memory lane in this family.
Okay, well, two things are clear.
Our parents kept nothing of Matthew's, and the nudie pens aren't here.
HEATHER: Ooh! I found the pens.
Oh, word? Where? On eBay, next to some very sexually explicit candles.
(CLEARS THROAT) You don't strap on a candle, Heather.
Oh.
The set of pens is 700 bucks? - That's ridiculous.
- MATT: Yeah, no.
Maybe Dad'll just forget about it.
Ooh.
I just got an e-mail from Dad right now.
- What does it say? - I don't know.
It's a photo montage.
- Daddy's little girl - Oh! Oh, it's a picture of me as a baby.
- Dancing on his feet - (PHONE CHIMES) Oh.
Hey, he just sent me a montage, too.
Oh, no, no.
It's just a picture of a man holding me as a baby, but his face is a question mark.
(CHUCKLES) He really did come to my softball game.
Yeah, can you just, like, pause this, Heather? Okay, you know what? We are gonna buy these pens, because we owe it to Dad.
Oh, hey, did anybody check this box? What? "Joan's Party Supplies.
" Oh.
Oh.
So, Mom has a set of those candles.
- Hmm.
- (GROANS) Hey, Dad, great news! We found the pens! Yeah, it-it turns out we did keep them because, you know, we love you so much.
Great.
Let's see 'em.
- They're getting cleaned right now.
- Yeah.
But they should be here in three to seven business days.
- Meh.
- Or even sooner.
Hmm? You're the seller? We just bought the pens back from our own father.
Yep.
You outbid some pretty eager perverts.
Where did you find them? Perverts? They're all over the Internet.
No, Dad, the pens.
Where did you find the pens? Oh, in Matt's box, in the garage.
You guys did keep some of my stuff? You That's mine.
You guys are great.
Oh, Dad, thank you.
And since you know how much we love you, maybe you could give us our money back.
Take it up with eBay.
Well, John, thank you so much for watching Lucas.
Oh, no problem.
No, I-I read his fairy tale book to him ten times.
- Aw.
- I told him he was getting addicted.
Well, that led into this long talk about addiction.
I never want to fall off a wagon.
- Mm.
Oh.
Aw.
- Aw.
Aw, you're leaving already? Can I have a hug? Lucas, go hug Mom-Mom.
No, don't force him.
Force him? He can't wait.
(STRAINING) Please don't make me! Lucas.
L-Lucas? Oh, he's just shy.
Shy? We didn't run into one person at lunch he didn't try to hug.
Okay, thanks for getting it.
Bye.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
Aw.
Don't feel bad, Joanie.
I'm sure Lucas loves you.
Well, uh, mm, you know, not real sure, but, uh, he doesn't talk crap about you.
Oh, mercy, mercy, merc Oh, kids! If you should happen to run across a box that's marked "Joan's Party Supplies," for your continued mental stability, don't open it.
Sure thing, Ma.
Yeah, yeah.
Lucas? Hi.
Um, w-would you like to help me make some brownies? Want to play Go Fish? Legos? Finger paints? Coloring book? Stickers? Trucks? Dress-up! Would you like to watch Ernest go to camp? I have it on VHS.
I know, because it's been stuck in there for years.
Okay.
See you later.
What's going on? Are you trying to remember how to get back to the other room? No.
I-I'm trying to lure Lucas out from under the dining table.
With my candy? I didn't dress up like Jack Sparrow at Halloween just to have you waste it.
Honey, Colleen says he's shy, but I-I think it's something different.
That's fine, but if I find an Almond Joy on the floor, I'm gonna go off.
Hi, Lucas.
I'm so happy to see you.
Would you like some brownies fresh from the oven? No, I want to go home! Hey, what's going on? Um, could I have a word? Yeah.
Come on, Lucas, let's read that book of yours again.
See if it ends differently this time, huh? Not.
(CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Is everything okay? Lucas is terrified of me.
No, Joan, I told you, he's just shy.
Plenty of kids are shy.
I was a shy kid.
I-I don't think it's just shyness.
I feel it's something deeper.
No, that's just my therapeutic two cents.
Well, you know what I think, Joan? I think if you stop trying to impress him with all your yummy treats and your fun stuff, that maybe he would actually start to like you.
See that? So you're not the only one who understands brain science.
Oh, my.
Lucas, you're just shy around Mom-Mom, right? It's not, like, some deep-seated psychological issue? - No.
- Exactly.
You know.
Well, I'm sorry that she is so pushy.
I didn't let her be pushy when we got close to the oven.
What? She's the witch! Well, I mean, we all have our opinions of her.
No.
She's the witch who puts out the candy and tries to cook Hansel and Gretel.
- Look.
- (GASPS) Oh, no.
Wow, that looks exactly like her.
I have to send this to Jen.
Hi-ee.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) So, I was just talking to Lucas, and (CHUCKLES) Oh, my gosh, it's so funny.
You're gonna laugh.
Uh, but it, it was something deeper, Joan.
You were right.
But it's also super funny.
- Oh, I'm glad it's funny.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, I'm relieved.
Okay, I can take that.
Tell me.
Okay.
All right.
Well, um, you know the book that Lucas was trying to get everyone to read him? No, dear, because he's put me on a grandma restraining order.
Right.
Okay, well, it's Hansel and Gretel.
And in it, there's a witch that looks exactly like you.
- Like me? - Uh-huh.
- (CHUCKLES): - Oh, no, I don't think so.
Isn't that crazy? It's literally your twin.
That could be your passport photo.
(CHUCKLES) I don't look anything like that.
He's just shy.
Guys' night! Hey, man.
I'm really sorry I'm late.
Has the fight started yet? Oh it's about to.
- What? Oh! - (GIGGLES): I'm just kidding, man.
- I'd never hurt you.
- Okay.
I probably couldn't.
Where are the rest of the guys? What are you talking about? Guy.
Guys.
Guys' night.
What more do we need? (QUIETLY): Aw, man.
Dude, check this out.
I got us a frozen margarita machine, or, as I like to call 'em, Matt-aritas.
- (LAUGHS) - (CHUCKLES) I didn't want to fire this bad boy up till you got here, so get ready for some frozen margs in three, two, one four hours.
You know what, I'll just have a beer.
Oh.
Yeah, help yourself.
Should be some in the fridge.
I didn't know what kind you like, so I got all the kinds.
Uh, do you have an IPA? Is that a kind of beer? Never mind.
Ah.
What are you doing? Relaxing.
Pop those pants off.
No, I'm okay.
Come on.
What's more fun than a couple guys chilling in their comfies, huh? What are you afraid of? I guess, that you lured me here to assault me.
(LAUGHING) Dude.
Take your pants off.
I feel like I should apologize.
You know what, man, it's all good.
Let's just watch the fight.
- Let's do it.
- All right.
- Fight night! - Yeah.
(BELL DINGS ON TV) COMMENTATOR: And round one begins.
The fighters start to circle, and - (THUD) - Oh! - (BELL DINGS) - It's over! It is over, folks.
He is down, and he is not getting up.
Well, that was fun.
- Yeah, awesome.
(CHUCKLES) - (SCOFFS) There was a couple seconds there where it could've been anyone's fight, huh? - (EXHALES) - Hey, you think if I turn it off now, they'll still charge me the hundred bucks? Well, as much as I'd like to stick around for round two Tim versus the cable company I, uh I think I'm gonna get going.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Ooh! Can't leave yet.
- Food's here.
- The foo We've all had tacos, but I bet you've never been this close to one being made before.
Well, Colleen's Mexican, so we make tacos all the time.
Oh But this feels like overkill, Timmy.
No, I did the math.
You're good for 25, 26 tacos.
So, at that point, it's just cheaper to get the guy.
(SCOFFS) (CLEARS THROAT) Are you not gonna have any? I can't, 'cause of my heart.
Are they good? Describe it to me in detail.
Start with the tortilla.
Man, it's getting late, you know? I think I got to head out.
What? Come on, we got to try those frozen margaritas.
They got to be ready by now! (WHOOPS) Whoa.
I'm gonna drink it just like this, but there's no pressure for you.
(GAGS) (GROANS) Hey, I'm sorry.
I feel like I kind of ruined this night.
Oh, no, man, it was it was good.
We had fun.
Yeah.
Remember when I drank that margarita? (CHUCKLES): Yeah.
That-that just happened.
Yeah.
Remember I tried to pull your pants down? Yeah.
That just happened, too.
Ah, it was probably a stupid idea for me to try to even have a party.
Oh, no, no, no.
It was good.
- It was good.
- Yeah? Yeah.
So you'll stay? 'Cause the churro guy's gonna be here in, like, half an hour.
Uh (STAMMERS) I think I'm gonna call it.
Yeah, cool.
Cool.
All right.
Hey, um So you'll always remember tonight.
Hey, all right.
Hey, baby, it's me.
I'm coming home a little bit early.
Uh, Tim threw this big guys' night party for the two of us.
I mean, I know that he loves me, but (CHUCKLES) I mean, there-there was food and booze for, like, ten people Hey, man.
Did you forget something? Yeah, man, I realized I couldn't leave without having one of those margaritas in its natural frozen state.
Oh, cool! Well, I had to unplug it, so it's gonna be another four hours.
You invited a bunch of guys over for a guys' night, and I'm the only one who showed up, huh? No, I didn't.
Yeah.
What gave me away? You got three valets outside.
- Damn it, they're still here? - Yeah.
Hey! I told you guys to go! Everyone bailed on me to go over to Dr.
Oh's to watch the fight.
Joke's on them, it only lasted 15 seconds.
Wait, you didn't invite Greg? No, 'cause then I figured you wouldn't come.
You want to take a picture, make him jealous? - Yeah, let's take our pants off.
- (CHUCKLES) - No, I don't think so.
- All right.
I'll take mine off and you kiss me.
(SHUTTER SOUND EFFECT)