Melissa & Joey s04e11 Episode Script

Will you get off the computer, please? You've already done plenty of research on Colombia.
I can't believe Lennox's wonderful professor, Evita, is taking her there next semester.
Do you know what they have in Colombia? Really good coffee? Yeah, but when you order your espresso with two shots, they come out of a gun.
Honey, relax, all right? Look, we have several more moves left in this chess match.
We don't even know if she's going there for sure yet.
But I'll tell you this; If you get upset, you're gonna push her right into Evita's arms.
Uh, it's pronounced Evita.
Oh, hey, honey.
Did you see that? She was biting that croissant, but she was really biting my head off.
Do you know, in Colombia, they have spiders that can actually bite your head off.
Yeah, I did a little googling myself.
Anyway.
Back to you.
That professor has driven a wedge between me and Lennox.
I've lost her.
You know, I blew it with my completely appropriate reaction to her little trip.
You tried to put her passport in the toaster.
Like I said, completely appropriate.
Why don't you just focus on things that you can control, all right? Like your relationship with Lennox, you know.
Nurture it.
Bond with her.
So your daughter calls you dad once, and suddenly you're the wizard of parenting? Pretty much, yeah.
Come on, you saw how I handled yesterday, man.
I found out Dani had a little wine-tasting party and boom! I was all over it.
I took care of it.
So, yes, I am on a streak.
Look, not to get technical, but one victory does not make a streak.
Just saying, don't bet against me.
Um, hey, I was thinking.
You know, you've studied more in one month than I did my entire six years of college.
You need a little break.
How about you and I go get our nails did? You're just gonna try to talk me out of going to Colombia No, I read the state department guidelines.
It sounds really exciting.
Especially the part where they say, "never look directly at the soldiers.
" I mean, that is good advice anywhere.
So, uh, what do you say? You know, 3:00 pm at the nail salon, on me.
Sure, let's do that.
Never bet against a streak.
Sync & Corrections by Darcade I thought canceling the camping trip was my punishment.
Now you're calling to tell my mom? She needs to know what's going on, Dan.
Hey, guys, help me out.
I'm having a nail polish crisis.
Should I go safe, with put a ring on it red, or roll the dice, with twerkquoise.
You can not tell my mom I drank wine.
She's a total hard-ass about this stuff.
Wait a second, an acupuncturist who tours with rock bands is a hard-ass about drinking? That's exactly why.
She's seen the damage, and now she has a zero-tolerance policy about drugs, alcohol And, for some reason, the Jonas Brothers.
Felicia needs to know, all right? And you're gonna be the one to tell her.
What? N-no, please.
Come on, Joe.
Isn't that A wonderful way to show your daughter you love her? Here's your phone, honey.
Dial it.
But I think I forgot the number.
You did? Let me help you with that.
Dial, "Mom.
" Here you go.
Um Hi, Mom.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm calling to tell you something.
See, I had some girlfriends over Anyway, um There was some wine there, and they drank some.
So I had some too, to be sociable.
Yes, I know I made a mistake, but Dad is handling it.
Mm-kay.
See you when the tour's over.
Love you.
Bye.
So, how did everything go? Great.
She was glad I told her.
She said it showed maturity.
You see, the lesson here is that we're a team, all right.
A team that always does what Captain Dad says.
I'm happy to call you Dad.
Just please don't make me call you Captain.
I'm good with Dad.
And the streak continues.
Don't feel bad, Mel.
I know parenting can be frustrating at times.
Especially when I make it look so easy, but, you know.
What can I do? You can shut up.
It's Felicia.
Hey, Felicia.
What? Yes, but I really think you're overreacting.
Yes, but I really think you're Yes, but I really think Yes, but I Yes, but Yes.
So, how'd that go, Captain Dad? Felicia just quit the tour.
She's coming here to take Dani home.
Oh, no! Just because you let Dani drink? I didn't let her drink! I don't believe this.
I'm gonna lose my daughter.
And three months earlier than we agreed on.
Well, okay, you know what, Joe? You were the one that was able to talk Felicia into letting her come here in the first place.
You know, you can get that time back.
You just gotta use that famous Longo charm.
Yeah, I mean Worked on her before.
Not that kind of charm.
That's how you ended up with a kid in the first place.
Mmm.
Yeah.
I'm gonna dial it back to 50%.
Okay, so I was gonna go with blue, but then I thought, "why not go with black?" Black is slimming.
Everyone will say, "have your fingers lost weight?" I was thinking Wait, you ready? Polka dots on one hand, stripes on the other.
- Cute? - Cute? It's genius.
Oh, this is so great.
It's been so long since us girls have taken our fingers and toes on a mini vacation.
- Evita.
- Hi, Lennox.
Hello, Councilwoman.
I just finished going over the notes you typed up.
I need some revisions and wondered if you could incorporate them.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, I'm just heading out with my aunt, but as soon as we get back.
Well, I was hoping you'd get right on it.
Oh, sorry, no can do.
This is a very important event, and it cannot be rescheduled.
We're getting mani-pedis.
Yeah, at one of the nice salons, where you have to make an appointment.
Nail salon? Really? Is there something wrong with that? No, it's just Oppressed women kneeling at your feet, inhaling toxic fumes all day, all so you can look like a painted doll.
Uh, they were masks, and they massage your hands and tell you you're beautiful.
Who else does that? No one.
Lennox, I have to say, I'm surprised you'd buy in to such a classist ritual.
Your foot is in the hands of these women, but you're really stepping on their heads, keeping them down.
Wow.
Yeah, I guess I never thought about it like that.
Maybe the nail salon's not such a good idea.
Okay, professor Buzzkill.
Let's put this in perspective.
I want to take my niece to the nail salon.
Ooh, scary.
You want to fly her to the jungles of Colombia to chillax with machine gun-toting drug lords.
Which one's worse.
Let me think.
On one hand, you could wind up with a little foot fungus.
On the other hand, you could wind up a little dead.
Yeah, sure, I may be a narcissist, but you, professor, are a self-important windbag.
And what's more, Well Can't argue with that.
Email me the finished doc when you're done.
Will do.
So Let's go get us some happy feet.
You just humiliated me, and insulted someone I respect a great deal.
I'm not going anywhere with you.
I thought I made some really good points.
Before the Felicia! How do you get off a plane and still look fresh as a Daisy? Dani is leaving today, Joe.
This is not open for negotiation, and don't try to pull out that Longo charm.
Whoa, hey.
I'm not gonna pull anything out.
No, I respect you way too much for that.
Look, um, why don't you just, you know, stay here for a couple of days, and you'll see this is really a great environment for Dani.
Huh.
Oh.
So your idea of a great environment is an open bar for 13-year-olds? Let's not fight, okay? Look, we made a deal.
Dani was supposed to stay here for three more months to get to know her dad.
I think we should stick to it.
She's leaving, with me, today.
Two months.
Two months is more than fair.
I'll tell you what, Joe.
I do need some time to go to Dani's school.
I've got to get her assignments.
I need to start the transfer paperwork, so we'll leave on Thursday.
That's 48 hours.
Oh, come on.
Will you be reasonable, Felicia? - 23 hours.
- Wait a minute.
Let me just hold on - 22, 21 - Stop it.
So you better take it.
Okay.
So, where's Felicia? Oh, you just missed her.
And she took Dani? Oh, no! My husband's daughter is taken away, and I'm at the nail salon.
Evita's right.
I am narcissist.
No, Dani's still here, honey.
She's at band practice.
Oh, thank goodness.
So, what do you think? Cute, right? Yes, very.
So I managed to squeeze 48 hours with Dani out of Felicia.
Two days? That's not much.
I know, but, you know, when Longo's get handed lemons, we turn it into lemonade.
When Burkes get handed lemons, we use them to garnish our Martinis.
Anyway, I made a list of everything that a father needs to teach a daughter and I'm gonna have to do it in the next 48 hours, 'cause I don't know when Felicia is gonna let me see Dani again.
"How to play poker.
How to change a tire.
How to hot-wire a car.
" I had a boyfriend in college once that could open a beer bottle with his eye socket.
Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm gonna have time to get to that one.
But I have to teach her how to defend herself, how to spot a player.
The point is, I'm gonna be crazy busy with Dani for the next 48 hours.
So you're gonna have plenty of time to bond with Lennox.
Yeah, except Lennox wants nothing to do with me after I went off on Evita.
Not my best move.
Well, I better go upstairs and admit to Lennox I was wrong.
What? You really think you were wrong? No, but I'm out of bullets.
And you know who's not out of bullets? The Colombian drug lords.
Knock, knock.
Got a minute? Go away.
Look, I'm trying to be supportive of this decision of yours to go to Colombia with Evita.
So I got you this handy Spanish phrase book.
Yeah, it has all the useful phrases for tourists.
"Where's the bathroom?" That's a good one.
"I'll have bottled water.
" Mmm.
Ooh, here's a biggie.
"My country will pay handsomely for my return.
" Aunt Mel, you made that up.
Hey, you're going to a place where that's a phrase you have to learn.
Thanks to Evita.
Okay, seriously? Stop calling her that.
Fine.
What are you doing? I'm just remembering your face, because, you know, I might never see it again.
Okay, let me see this book.
Oh, here's a useful Colombian expression.
Oh, I hope I'm pronouncing it correctly.
Go away.
- It's pronounced, adios.
- Go away! How many cards do you want? - One? - Whoa, okay.
In poker, you never say anything with a question mark.
All right? It's just like life.
You gotta lead with confidence.
Give me one.
That's more like it.
How do we do? - Flush.
- Now that's poker.
Thanks.
I'm going to bed.
No, no, no.
You're not.
Well, we've been at this life skill stuff for five hours.
Yes, exactly.
Now we're gonna head out into the driveway, and I'm gonna teach you how to change a tire.
But I'm gonna get grease on my pajamas.
Not if you do it the right way, sweetie.
Admit it.
Proofing my paper is much more fulfilling than a trip to the nail salon.
It is.
Although, every time I hit send I notice miss pinky was looking a tad humdrum.
Just a little levity.
I'm having a brainstorm.
Why not help other women make the same enlightened decision you did? We could set up an education station in front of that nail salon your aunt goes to, and teach ignorant women about class oppression.
Yes.
That could really raise awareness.
Raise awareness? If we do this right, we could put that place out of business.
Oh, I am good.
Oh, but wait, if we do that, the women who work there will lose their jobs.
Collateral damage.
Acceptable losses for the cause.
They're not losses, Evita.
They're people.
Oh, Lennox, you have so much to unlearn.
I can still hear the rinse and spin cycle of your aunt's sociopathic brainwashing.
Okay, is this about workers rights or my aunt? Your aunt is the one selfishly trying to keep you from going to Colombia.
She may not be perfect, but my aunt filibustered city council for two days to open extra homeless shelters during the last blizzard.
Okay, my aunt cares about people.
I care about progress.
Well, I think I'd rather care about people.
Evita.
Yeah, I don't feel any pressure at all on my elbow.
It's gonna take a lot more than that to break your assailant's arm, honey.
I'm tired and I'm hungry.
When you woke me up, you promised me pancakes.
Pancakes are for killers.
All right? Besides, you got plenty of sleep last night.
Three hours! That's it, I'm going back to bed, and don't even think about waking me up.
We don't have a lot of time left, honey, before your mom comes to take you home.
- Good morning.
- Good night.
We haven't even gone over Frank Sinatra versus Tony Bennett yet! Why is she so upset? Oh, because I promised her pancakes if she could break my arm.
Ooh, I'll take that deal.
Give me that arm.
No! Get away from me.
I'm trying to teach her everything she's gonna need to know for the rest of her life, and she didn't want it.
Well, Joe, she only reacted that way because she's 13.
Don't worry, that attitude usually goes away by the time she's Well, probably never, because Lennox is still doing it to me.
She's still doing it? I thought you were smoothing things over with her? Well, I tried, but she was irritated by my insistence that she not die.
Look, honey, if all else fails, a tried and true way to make a woman who's truly upset feel better is to tell her how nice her hair looks.
- That's your advice? - It works every time.
That's stupid and condescending.
That would never work on me.
Well, if course it wouldn't work on you, honey, because you're way too smart and beautiful to fall for that.
I am.
And if you're such a wizard at parenting, how come your daughter just stormed away, angry at you? Because this is an odd case.
I'm trying to cram it all in there in the next 48 hours, because, you know I don't know if I'm ever gonna see her again.
What? Joe, aren't you overreacting a little? No, I'm not.
Look, Felicia has full custody over Dani.
She could keep her away from me until she's 18, and by that point, you know, it'll be too late.
Well, does Dani know why you're acting like such a crazy man? I mean, being such a good father? I was gonna tell her, but I'm afraid it will scare her.
You know, I think telling her might scare her a little less than waking her up in the middle of the night, pretending you're a mugger.
That works.
Oh, honey, I have to say Your hair looks Really nice.
Oh! I love you so much, Aunt Mel.
You were so right.
I'm not gonna be a sociology major and I am not going to Colombia.
I just kinda got a little swept up with Evita, but I am so done with her.
I just want to stay right here with you.
Oh, maybe later we could go get our nails done.
Okay.
Oh! I'm so lucky to have you.
Bye.
Joe is a magician.
Felicia, we meet again.
I'm a little bit early.
Is Dani ready? Yeah, um, look.
I know it's not my place, but I think you're making a huge mistake taking Dani away from a wonderful father.
For the past 48 hours, Joe has been teaching her pretty much everything he knows.
She is gonna be prepared for whatever life throws at her.
I'm not changing my mind, Mel.
Your hair looks really nice.
Really nice.
Are you hitting on me? They're in the kitchen.
That's why you never use a debit card at a gas station, honey.
Or the bathroom.
Can you just give them one more minute? I'm sorry if I was snippy, but instead of survival lessons, I wanted to have fun with you before I left.
I know.
I was just Scared that when your mom took you home, I wasn't gonna be able to see you again.
Why wouldn't you get to see me again? You're my father.
Yeah, but it's not up to me.
You're really worried about that? I'm scared to death I'm not gonna see you again.
Well Here's something that might help you survive.
Dad That's not gonna happen.
And I promise I'll diversify my assets and never have more than 20% in international stocks.
That's my girl.
Dani, your mom is here.
- Mom, hi! - Hey.
So, I guess You're gonna take Dani home, eh.
Uh, not necessarily.
What do you mean, "not necessarily"? When I said that I was taking Dani home, I didn't mean immediately.
You said 48 hours.
Well, I didn't say when they would start.
You were counting down.
Joe, take yes for an answer.
I right.
Hey, so Just so I'm clear, does this mean that we're going back to the original deal? She can stay here for three more months? Yes.
The original deal.
So, stay for dinner.
Joe and Dani made a lasagna last night at midnight.
I'll just throw it in the microwave.
No! You don't microwave lasagna.
What she said.
Actually, I'm gonna get back on the road to Fort Wayne.
What about the tour? I quit the tour.
So you're gonna be home, all alone? Don't worry about me.
I've been alone before.
You just listen to your dad, and I want you to call me.
Any time.
It's nothing.
It's It's just my allergies.
I am totally fine.
I'm gonna fix my face, and then I'm just gonna I'm gonna get on the road.
I'm gonna go look after Felicia.
And by look after her, I mean, I'm gonna make sure she doesn't cry mascara all over my couch.
I didn't know she was gonna be all alone.
My mom would never admit it, but She'll be really lonely.
Besides, it's like we've been partners for 13 years.
I'd kinda miss her.
Don't tell her that.
Your secret's safe with me.
So If it's cool with you Can I go home with her? Yeah.
Yep.
'Cause, you know, we're gonna We're gonna see each other again soon.
Yeah, like Spring Break.
Hey, yes.
You know what? We can go on that camping trip then if you want.
Or I could just hang here.
You know, play poker, break each other's elbows.
Oh I'd like that.
Bye Dani! Bye Felicia! I love you, Dani.
Call me when you get home, okay? Hey, and remember; never buy milk at liquor stores.
So how went things with you and Lennox? Oh, you'll never gonna believe this, but the advice you gave me totally worked.
Why wouldn't I believe that? It was my advice.
Not only are Lennox and I on good terms, but she canceled that stupid trip to Colombia.
I don't know how to thank you.
Yeah, you do.
Tell me how.
Well First You're gonna rinse Your dishes off every time before you put them in the dishwasher.
Oh, man.
Come here.
- You want to go upstairs? - I do.
I think we deserve some fun time after all that hardcore parenting.
Ooh, yes we do.
You know what? I'm gonna grab a bottle of wine from the kitchen.
No, no, I got one under the bed, and in the hamper, and in the nightstand.
What? I'm always ready for romance.
How much alcohol do you need to have sex with me?