Mom s04e11 Episode Script

1 Ten minutes.
20 minutes.
Really, two minutes for a nickel? Ugh.
When did I get a peso? Excuse me? Yeah? Any chance you could lend me a quarter? Lend you? Are you a good credit risk? Terrible but I think you probably have 30 cents of good karma coming at you.
Oh, in that case, why don't I just give you the full two hours? Oh, thank you.
(laughing): No, thank you.
This hopefully makes up for all those gas stations I robbed.
What? It's a joke.
It was just one liquor store.
(chuckles) Have a nice day.
- You, too.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Well, this is awkward.
- Yeah, a little bit.
When will this nightmare end? Allow me.
Oh, thank you.
All right, bye again.
Oh, not yet.
Hi, Aunt Marjorie.
Hi, Nick.
Aunt Marjorie? It's how she signs my birthday cards.
I see you two have met.
Yeah, she was on the street begging for change.
Oh, honey, I thought we talked about that.
Marjorie, aren't you gonna introduce us? Sorry.
Jill, Wendy, Bonnie, Christy, this is my nephew, Nick.
Nick, these are my girls.
Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hi.
Nick, why don't you join us? Uh, thanks, but I got to get to work.
And-And thank you for letting me use your storage locker.
Any time.
Okay, well, it's nice meeting you.
So long.
- Bye.
- Bye.
And do not follow me.
(laughs) - Less.
- Bye.
Where have you been hiding him? And why? Is he single? Not that I care.
I can be a side dish.
Back off, he already stuck his card in my meter.
Listen, ladies, I get it.
Nick is a very attractive young man, but he's off limits.
- What?! Why?! - Boo.
No! It's just not a good idea.
I'm your sponsor, he's my sister's kid.
Okay, well, I want a new sponsor.
Bonnie, will you be my new sponsor? Sure, but you can't date Nick until my daughter's done with him.
Okay, Wendy, you're my new sponsor.
No one's dating Nick and that's final.
- Boo.
No fair.
- BONNIE: Whatever.
I should've just jumped him on the street.
What's that? I should've just jumped him on the street! Got a minute? Not really.
I'm studying for midterms.
All right, I was just gonna show you a Facebook picture of Marjorie's nephew with no shirt on.
Let me see.
Oh, my God, shirtless on a horse? On the beach.
That's just not fair.
I'll tell you what's not fair, that horse underneath him instead of you.
Why are you trying to wind me up? 'Cause you deserve to date a handsome guy, and I always like sticking it to Marjorie.
He is handsome.
Handsome and rugged.
They don't make rugged anymore.
I blame soy milk.
You know, he couldn't take his hazel-green- with-a-fleck-of-blue eyes off of you.
- Really? - He was totally eye-boning you.
Doesn't matter.
I'm not going behind Marjorie's back.
Makes sense.
Why pursue the perfect man if it might temporarily make an elderly woman uncomfortable? You know Marjorie's only, like, ten years older than you, right? If you ever say that again, I will gut you like a fish.
Check this out.
Status: single, and he's a riding instructor at Valley Glen Stables.
Mother of God, he's professionally shirtless on a horse? (seductively): Go to him.
No.
I can't.
I just can't.
Okay, I tried.
Good night.
Good night.
Just gonna finish studying.
His last name's Banaszak.
Thank you.
(exhales) Steady, girl.
Hi.
Oh, hi, right on time.
Actually, I got here 20 minutes ago, but I waited in the car 'cause being early is lame, and so is telling you that, sorry.
No worries.
So, you're thinking about riding lessons for your son? Yes, that's what I'm thinking about.
Well, I mean, I could tell you all about how I teach, but it'd be easier just to show you.
With a video? With a horse.
You got any smaller ones? (laughs) You're not scared, are you? No, I just have a history of falling off things, mostly bar stools, but one bridge.
Well, don't worry.
I'll put you on Starburst.
She's very gentle.
I had a five-year-old girl on her this morning.
Easy for her, she's five.
She doesn't understand death.
(laughs) Starburst, this is Christy.
Christy, meet Starburst.
Hello, enormous animal.
Here.
Pet her nose.
She loves it.
Oh, something we have in common.
Okay.
Ooh, it's warm.
Good Starburst.
Here.
Try an apple.
I would've given it to the horse, but that's another way to go.
Oh.
Okay, just put your foot in the stirrup, and swing your other leg over.
It's kind of high.
Here, let me.
Ready? I'll give you a boost.
You grab the saddle horn.
- What's the saddle horn?! - Oh, God.
I got to tell you, I'm really impressed.
I mean, you hear the expression, "Get back on that horse," but you rarely see it.
(out of breath): Thank you.
This is fun.
Try to move with the horse.
Isn't that what I'm doing? You know, it might get smoother if you pick up the pace a notch.
Give her a little kick.
That seems kind of mean.
(laughs) It's not gonna hurt her.
(nickers) All right, now you're just tickling her.
Go on, show her who's the boss.
I'm so sorry.
(neighs) You're the boss! You're the boss! You're the boss! When we tell people this story, can we say I was thrown from the horse? Sure.
It's a lot cooler than slipping in the ladies' room.
Maybe we should put stirrups on that toilet.
(chuckles) - Let's take a look at that ankle.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Am I hurting you? - No, I'm just sitting on my keys.
It's not broken.
You should probably stay off it for a while and keep it elevated.
Okay, but I'm gonna need your help.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
(laughing): Oh, wow.
(chuckling) (exhales) Yeah, wow.
(chuckles) Didn't miss the saddle horn that time.
You're hard to miss.
(chuckles) Aw, shucks.
(sighs) So, listen, as great as this was, and it was really great, we can't tell Marjorie.
Oh, man.
My mother's sister's always my first call after sex.
No, it's just she's my sponsor in AA No.
and it might get a little weird.
Understood.
I will gladly be your dirty little secret.
Oh, God, that just makes it hotter.
Mmm.
Oh, listen, I don't want to spoil the moment, but we should probably get dressed or a little boy named Brandon is gonna learn more than how to ride a horse.
He's got to learn sometime.
Hey.
Well, you look happy.
You should've seen me about an hour ago.
After 19 long, lonely months, the curse has been broken.
In your face, Marjorie.
Tell me everything.
Well, he took me horseback riding.
Is that how you hurt your foot? Uh, yes.
We were galloping across a field and I mistimed a jump.
Anyhow, after he carried me into the barn, we did it on a bale of hay.
Really? A bale of hay? I knew you'd ask, so I brought proof.
There's more in my pants.
Oh, you're my hero.
Are you gonna see him again? Yippee ki yes.
Dinner tomorrow night, then who knows, maybe on a bed, mix it up a little.
Oh, please, can I be there when you tell Marjorie? Or better, let me tell Marjorie.
You know what, it's decided, I'm telling her.
Nobody's telling her.
Nick and I agreed to keep this between ourselves.
Okay, fine, I can't be mad.
My little girl got banged by a cowboy in a stable.
Always trying to make you proud, Mom.
- Oh.
- (Christy chuckles) What happened to your leg? I slipped at work and twisted my ankle.
It's no big deal.
Bound to happen, the way you gallop around that place.
Mom.
Sorry, I'll rein it in.
If you got hurt at the restaurant, you could sue for big bucks.
That's how poor people in America get ahead.
I'm really fine.
You still should get it x-rayed.
If you walk around on a Look, I just twisted it.
I'm not suing or getting an x-ray.
Whoa there, Nelly.
Congratulations, you spooked her.
Can we please go? I'm starved.
I'm gonna need a lift with one of you.
Oh, Christy, aren't you coming for coffee? Oh, no, I have a class.
Since when do you have a class on Tuesday? It's a new class.
In the middle of the term? Yes, I have a new class on a Tuesday in the middle of the term.
Looks like you're going on a date.
I have a date with learning, Jill.
It's the other way poor people in America get ahead.
Any more questions? Yeah, when should I expect you home? Around 1:00, 2:00? (chuckles) I just wanted to say: yesterday, what happened, I've never done that before.
Really? You were pretty good at it.
(laughs) I meant in the stable.
I know what you meant.
It was my first time in a stable, too, unless you count a shopping mall nativity scene.
I'm sorry I've got to kiss you.
Oh.
(chuckles) You're coming to me.
I've been wanting to do this all day.
Okay, um there's our waiter.
Our waiter's here.
What's up? Should I come back? No, no, I'm starving.
Well, we have some specials tonight.
Let's hear 'em.
Okay, we're doing an heirloom tomato and burrata salad.
I like burrata.
Great, make it two.
Very good.
And for the entrees, we, uh I'll come back to get your order when you're done eating.
Hey hey, hey, Nick? (inhales sharply) Yeah? This is nice, but I think, uh, we're making people uncomfortable.
What people? I don't see anyone but you.
Trust me, they're out there.
She's pretty, isn't she? (clears throat) First date.
You have such perfect little hands.
Thanks.
(exhales deeply) I'm just gonna butter some bread.
Let's butter it together.
Really? Is that a thing? It'll be our thing.
Am I back too soon? No, no, stay.
Have you had a chance to think about your entrees, or are we still canoodling? May I? Oh, sure.
I will be sharing the bone-in tomahawk rib eye with the woman I'm gonna marry.
I'm sorry, what? My bad, baby, did you want the chicken? Hey, what are you doing home? I thought you'd be too busy cowpokin' and ah, forget it, I'm too sleepy.
(sighs) Oh, Mom, he's weird.
All men are weird.
It comes with the penis.
No, we're talking the big weird.
What did he do? Show up for dinner wearing pantyhose? I wish.
I've worked with that before.
And it's not weird, it's courageous.
He talked about us getting married.
Okay, I'm awake now.
I'm telling you, there's something seriously wrong with that guy.
I almost didn't go home with him.
Wait, you still went home with him? 19 months, Mom.
(sighs) Check it out.
After we had sex, he made a sketch of me.
I'm confused, is that you on a horse? It's me as a horse.
What'd you do? We had sex again, then he fell asleep and I snuck out.
After all that, you slept with him again? 19 months, Mom.
19 months.
NICK: Lady I'm your knight in shining armor And I love you Oh, no.
You have made me what I am And I am yours (guitar strumming) Lady! You made me such a fool That's gonna get old.
Oh Oh, we belong together.
I don't know what your problem is, it sounds like the guy's crazy about you.
Yeah, you got him, we didn't, so shut up and be happy.
Look at the picture again.
I have a tail! Did you notice? Horse Christy wears panties.
So what are you gonna do? Well, obviously, I have to make it very clear to him that it's over.
And I'm guessing he's gonna go crying to his Aunt Marjorie, so I better get to her first.
Yep, head him off at the pass.
Your horse-themed humor has grown very tiresome.
To that I say, "neigh.
" Here she comes.
Giddy up.
Hey, that's my thing.
Sorry I'm late.
What'd I miss? Well, remember how you told us Nick was off limits? Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.
- I tried to stop her.
Please tell me you didn't sleep with him.
- She did.
- Three times.
Christy! - Actually, three and a half.
- Three and a half? How do you think I got him to stop singing? This is bad, this is very bad.
- I'm sorry.
- No, this is bad for you.
Nick is I don't know how to say this Not well.
How "not well"? Don't get me wrong, he's never hurt anybody.
But he has lived most of his life in an facility.
Oh, God.
Did he escape? No, it's more of a work release.
The horses keep him calm.
Why didn't you tell me? What was I supposed to say? "This is my nephew, he's as nuts as he is handsome"? You don't have to say anything.
You just go like this when he's not looking.
Hey, I told you to stay away from him.
How bad is this? Do I have to keep some of her DNA on file in case she goes missing? Again, he's not dangerous, he just feels things very deeply.
Whelp looks like we're moving again.
I hope you understand, I have to respect Marjorie's wishes.
We just can't see each other anymore.
Okay.
Really? So you're fine with this? Hmm, you betcha.
'Cause it's not really over.
No, Nick, it really is.
Okay.
So we're clear, you and I aren't gonna see each other anymore.
You're such a silly.
All right, well thanks for everything.
I'm gonna go.
Sounds good.
See you soon.
No, you won't.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Christy? Yeah? What am I supposed to do with this broken heart? (sighs) Oh, what the hell? I'm crazy, too.