Mork and Mindy (1978) s04e11 Episode Script

Na-no, na-no.
Hi, I'm home.
He's your son! You go up there and talk to him! - What? - You're gonna get it now! Your mother's home! Don't make a face like that.
It might freeze that way.
And take that out of your mouth.
You don't know where it's been.
Mork, what ever happened to, "Hi, little pooter, big kiss"? Oh, sure, think of yourself.
Think of yourself.
No one thinks about the poor, little house-maker, except for Richard Simmons.
Thighs, thighs, go away, send them all to Doris Day.
What are you so hysterical about? Hysterical? Moi? Hm.
Your son is up there doing things that would embarrass the Turkish police.
Now, you You go upstairs and you beat some sense into him.
Ugh.
Oh! Oh! My head.
I can hear snails crawl.
Mork, I can't come home every day and be the villain.
You better take some responsibility too.
When there's a disciplinary problem, you're gonna have to learn how to handle it.
I guess you're right.
I'll just go talk some sense into him.
If he doesn't listen, I'll take him to a filling station and make him look at the men's room.
And if that doesn't work, hell, we could always buy him a pony - and own his soul for life.
- See, Mork, there's the problem.
You can't bounce from one extreme to the other like that.
Tell that to Eldridge Cleaver.
We're both new at parenthood, but we can't fall apart every time he misbehaves.
I mean, look, Mork, the key to being a good parent is consistency.
Do you understand? No.
I also don't know why they make Häagen-Dazs ice cream in the Bronx.
Yo, you got some carob? I want some carob.
Look, let's go upstairs and act like two calm, responsible parents, okay? We can handle this Bowling? I don't believe it.
Neither do I.
That's a really tough split.
Son.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, have I missed you.
Well, I missed you too, - sweetheart.
- Oh.
That's nice of you to say that.
- Your room is a mess.
- Mm.
You wanna tell me why you were bowling in the house? Yes, it happened to be league night and all the lanes were spoken for.
Mr.
Smarty Pants, you have an answer for everything, don't you? Hm? Ha-ha.
How about this one? If the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second and the speed of a slug is one inch an hour, how long has Robert Conrad had that battery on his shoulder? What are you talking about? This is no time for brain teasers, Mork.
Go over there and reason with your son.
- Right, Mind.
- Consistency.
I remember that.
Don't worry.
I've seen Ordinary People twice.
Saw Popeye once.
- Son? - Yeah.
Dad.
- It's a nice shirt.
- Mork.
Just warming him up.
Son, the real guts of the matter is that, well, how would you feel if you had any of your little friends over here and they saw this pigsty? Easy.
This isn't West Point.
This is no white-glove inspection.
This is my lifestyle.
Wait a minute, you said something though, however.
You said something about having some friends over? - That's what he said.
- Didn't he? - Sure, and - How about even sleepover? Well, Mearth, if you could prove to us that you're a responsible young man who takes a little pride in his possessions, then maybe we'll see.
- Me too? - No.
- You think about what we said.
Okay.
- Sure will.
- Bye-bye, son.
- Bye, Dad.
You handled that like a real father.
- You did reason with him.
- Oh, thank you.
Let's talk about the bathroom, the pantyhose jungle.
You know, I think Just wondering, I've got to really clean this mess up so I can have some friends over.
Okay, here goes.
- Morning, little pooter.
- Mm.
You sleep well? Oh, yeah, till about 3, when you took all the covers.
Well, actually I took them about 1, but you didn't notice.
And your little bones shaking helped me fall asleep.
Thank you.
Come here, I'll keep you warm.
There we go.
- Thanks.
- Come on.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Oh Good morning, good morning How we doing this morning? Baby Mearth, your model child, is here Baby Mearth has fixed you breakfast, Mommy and Daddy.
Yes, that's so nice.
I haven't had breakfast in bed since I had my tonsils out.
Are you kidding? How about this? Banana for the lady? No, sweetheart, thanks.
You've just been a little angel these last few days.
I sure try.
I really have.
I have.
- I've had something in mind too.
- Oh.
I want you to have the breakfast right here on your lap.
- Okay.
- You put that right down there.
Am I out of line, by any chance, in thinking that perhaps a reward is due me? Mind? Mind, be careful.
This is a setup for the pony.
No, no, not at all.
Not necessarily.
Remember, Mommy, per our little lecture, that I said if I cleaned up my room and I was good, and here I've served you breakfast and everything, that you might let me have some of my friends over? Oh, sure, sweetheart, you can have some friends over.
Are you kidding? Well, then, come on down, kids.
Well, Mommy and Daddy, allow me to introduce my classmates and schoolmates from Ork.
This is Zelka and this is Ovits.
- Na-no, na-no.
- Na-no.
- Na-no.
- Boy, this is really raznik.
Yeah, this is Earth, huh? Heh.
And I thought Pluto was tacky.
Those kids are amazing.
We turn our backs for one second and they cloned the phone.
Look on the bright side though.
If we ever have a telethon, we're prepared.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello, hello.
Hello.
Hello.
- Hello.
Hello.
Yes.
Yes, we have Prince Albert in a can and we did let him out already.
Ha-ha! You're not gonna get me twice in one day! - What was that? - Sounded like a loud noise.
- Oh, dear.
- Are you kids okay? Ovits zapped George's head.
- What happened, Mearth? - He zapped his head off.
Where's his head now? Well, it's somewhere over Denver.
- Ovits.
- Ovits, you're mean, mean, mean.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- I'll tell you, Ovits, you are - Shut up, you wimp! I'll get you.
- Okay, time-out.
Mork Mearth.
I thought Orkans were supposed to be non-violent.
Mearth, Ovits, I want you two to make up right now, or you're gonna spend the rest of the day in the corner.
I don't wanna.
I don't wanna.
- I don't wan - Ovits! Okay.
Okay.
I am I am sorry I, uh I blew George's head off.
I was probably just suffering from beam lag.
Arg.
- I'm gonna tell you something - Mearth.
I was about to say it.
I want to tell you something, not to you, Mommy, ever.
But to you.
To you, you're hateful, mean, nasty, but, Ovits, you're fair.
Well, that's good.
Now shake.
That's better.
Oh, too bad.
It's time to go home.
There's the beam.
Goodbye, Mr.
And Mrs.
McConnell.
It has been a lovely visit.
Uh, you have a lovely home.
Mm - Goodbye.
- Y'all come back now, you hear? - Na-no, na-no.
- Na-no.
- Zelka, you missed the beam.
- No, I didn't.
Mearth asked me to sleep over.
Come on, Mearth.
I wanna hear that new Olivia Newton-John record again.
- Let's Get Physical? - Yeah.
It makes me crazy.
Zelka can't spend the night, can she? Well, we gave our permission, Mind.
Remember, consistency.
I mean, come off it, Mind.
I mean, they're innocent, they're just kids.
Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.
This aging reverse thing is just It's hard to get the hang of.
I keep forgetting that in their minds they're just babies.
Even though their bodies are anatomically correct.
When you think about it, you know, Mearth's just into snakes and snails - and puppy dog tails.
- And Miss January.
Cowabunga, Buffalo Bob.
Oh-ho-ho.
And look at that, sitting on a tractor too.
Oh, Mork, see what I mean? I mean, we never know what he's gonna do next.
He's just growing up so fast.
But I'll tell you one thing, when boys start reading magazines like these, it's time for their father to have a little talk about the difference between boys and girls.
We've already worked that out.
I mean, I've told him that boys like to play sports and girls like to wear makeup, and if you're Alice Cooper, you can do both.
Like I said, we need to have a little talk.
Look, after Zelka leaves, the three of us are gonna sit down and have a discussion about the birds and the bees.
Well, all right, Mind, but I still say he's too young for this.
Mommy, let me ask you something.
Am I out of line in asking you for a stethoscope? Well, sweetheart, I don't have a stethoscope.
Oh, guess I'll have to use my ear.
My son, the doctor.
Mork, we're gonna have to keep our eyes on those kids all night long.
We can't go upstairs right now, Mind.
We have to scrub up first.
He might be in surgery.
Well, isn't this fun? Camping out in the living room all together? Yeah, you get the best of both worlds.
You get that great outdoor feeling and that great indoor carpet.
What is happening here? You tell me, what is happening here? I mean, all I wanted to do was to take a hot bath with Zelka, and suddenly, we're the Wilderness Family.
Come on, kids, where's your pioneer spirit? Come on.
We're sitting around the old Sterno.
We can swap stories and make stew, or we can swap stew and make stories, or we can all get stewed.
Does anybody have a good story they'd like to tell? Hm? Well, I've got this great story about the first time I baked raisin loaf.
Come on, Mind, that's a classic.
Arg, arg, arg, arg.
Oh, Mearth, I've got one.
I was at the Ork Farm milking a fring and this traveling salesman came along and asked me if I wanted to see what was in his sample case.
Would anyone like a soft drink? No, thank you.
So I said no and he went away and I never saw him again.
- The end.
- Oh.
That's great, Zelka.
That's more plot than Kurt Vonnegut ever uses.
I think this is a perfect time for my raisin loaf story.
Oh, not yet, Mind.
You don't want to peak too soon.
Arg, arg, arg.
It'll slay you.
Well, come on now, kids.
Kids' game.
Tell you what.
How about this? Let's pretend we're not even in the living room, but we'll use our imaginations and go to the deepest, darkest jungle, you know? Now Larry, Aquarius.
Oh, now listen, look, animals everywhere.
Now come on.
Boy, if we can just keep a couple of these things for San Diego Zoo.
Come on now, son.
Son, you'll be the great white hunter.
Well, the reasonable white hunter.
And I'll be I'll be your faithful gun-bearer, Peba.
I will cut a way through the jungle.
All right.
Oh, good.
Forget that.
Oh, careful of the little feller.
Ah.
You've done a magnificent job.
What? I'm sorry, your name again.
- Ibusay.
- Ibusay.
Yes, you changed in Nairobi.
It's all right.
Let's move along here.
Do you have a gun of any kind? I don't want that machete.
Whatever you want, boss.
We got a telescopic sight here.
And if you get real close, we got a putter.
And if they get real close, you won't see me around here.
Let's get on with the animals.
Look! One of them's charging now.
He doesn't even have credit.
Go ahead, go.
Shoot the sucker! Shoot the sucker! Shoot the sucker.
Get at it, get at it, get at it! The animal has obviously got a thorn in its paw.
Give it a chance.
Good Lord.
Give me the small handgun.
Hold onto it.
Look at it.
Sometimes if you mock them, they hate it.
- Oh.
- There, that's just right for the living room.
- Carry on.
Hear, hear.
- Look, a snake! - Where? - A snake coming, boss! Oh, it's got you now! It's got you now, boss! Oh, you're up for it now.
Wait, I'll spin you out of it.
It's got me now! It's got me now.
- Look what it did - Look! It's coming now.
Cream him! What do I do with this snake? Make it a boa.
Somebody'll wear it.
Well, ha, all right.
Approach him gently.
Give me that bazooka.
- I'm not going to fool around.
- All right, there it is! Here's the shell coming in.
Ready? Yes.
Gee Where's the bloody aspirin? Well, boy, you hit me.
I thought it was a monkey had fallen on me.
Either that or just a pregnant baboon.
Well, they're almost there! It's an elephant on Valium, so we got time.
All right, put a shell in it, quickly.
- I'll put another one in.
- Put one in quickly.
Oh! Oh! Oh, boy, has that sucker got a kick.
Ooh, you done it now.
You've killed Marlin Perkins.
- Morning.
- Oh.
- Yeah, Mind.
Isn't this the life, huh? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, no noise, no smog, no Underall commercials.
- No kids.
- Hm? Where's Mearth and Zelka? Let's get physical - Physical, physical - Physical, physical - Let's get physical - Let's get physical - My body says talk - Talk Mind, he's your son.
Good luck.
- What were you kids doing up there? - Sleeping.
We couldn't sleep in the living room because there was so much noise.
Yeah, she's right.
You know, Mommy, even though you have a little bump of a nose, you snore loud.
Gee, Mearth, thanks for not letting me sleep alone.
Well, maybe he was just being a good host, Mind.
Oh, there's the beam, Zelka, you have to go home now.
Oh, gee, gee, Mr.
And Mrs.
McConnell, thank you for letting me stay over.
You have a great son! I enjoyed him very much.
Boy, am I gonna miss you.
Ooh, am I gonna miss you.
See you back in school.
I get a chance to sleep over at your house.
Na-no.
Boy, I gotta tell you something, Mommy and Daddy, they gotta really work the kinks out of that beam.
I think we've postponed having our little talk long enough.
Yeah, you're right.
I guess I'm in the batter's box right now.
Mm-hm.
- Come along, son.
Surely.
Oh.
- Son? - Yes.
Good training, remember it.
Son, ahem, that's another nice shirt you have there.
Strike one.
Mind, I think you're calling them a little close, aren't you? All right, son, basically in this world, there are two types of people, let's just say male and female.
- Now, which is which? - Oh, you learn that on the street.
And these male and female, they fall in love, and they register at Bloomingdale's, then they get married, and they try to marry up all their other single friends.
I don't know.
I like the raisin loaf story better.
- I think you left something out.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, sometimes they don't register.
They just ask for the cash.
I meant the part about how the babies get to be babies.
I don't think he's interested in that right now.
I am interested in that right now.
All right, um, son, um Ahem.
See, this, um And this No.
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Mm.
Um Son Oh, boy.
You know, the only way I can really do this is a mind probe.
Yeah, that's it.
Well, here we go, son.
Hold on.
That's how babies are made.
That's how babies are made? Wait a minute, Daddy.
What's that got to do with me? Well, sweetheart, Zelka said you didn't sleep alone.
- Did she say that? Mm-hm.
Well, she didn't sleep alone exactly.
I gave her my teddy bear.
So she slept with Teddy upstairs.
And as a matter of fact, I slept downstairs in your bed.
- Oh.
- You see? And, incidentally, about your story, the time will come when I'll understand it.
Now, it's time for me to go.
- Sweetheart? - Yes.
Um, if you don't understand Daddy's story, then why was that funny magazine in your pocket? Heh.
- Remember? - I remember.
Of course I remember.
As a matter of fact, that was in Mr.
Bickley's garbage.
And, as a matter of fact, I was gonna make some, uh, paper airplanes out of it, but I thought better about that.
- I dismissed it.
- Oh.
I think I'd better get going right now, and I wanted to make the beds.
I really want to make them real good, you know, because next time around, I want to stay over at Zelka's.
Oh.
Sure did jump to conclusions, didn't we? Zelka slept with his teddy.
Oh Yeah.
You know what the really hard part is now? What? I have to go tell a teddy bear the facts of life.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Cellulite Central.
Arg.
- Ah, Mork.
- Sir.
Just in time to play some Rack-Ork-Ball.
- Sir? - I need to practice.
I'm playing in a celebrity tournament on the planet Fuca.
Well, what about my report, sir? You can give your report while we play.
- Sir.
- Service! Sir, this week my report is about parenthood.
Ha-ha-ha.
Again? You know, Mork, I could use a little variety.
Well, sir, how about a little topspin on this one? Lately, all you seem to talk about is raising your son.
Well, sir, it's a very tough job keeping the children of today from becoming the children of tomorrow.
- Out.
- Sir? I beg to differ with you.
I think that was in.
I said out.
Well, ha-ha-ha, who am I to question one of your judgments? Ha-ha-ha.
He'd never get away with this at Wimbledon.