Parks and Recreation s04e11 Episode Script

Oh, goody, you're all here.
Now, I know I'm not supposed to talk about my campaign in the office, but last night I've made a decision about who should be my campaign manager.
This is a huge job.
This is going to require a lot of late night, one-on-one jam sessions with me, and we're going to bounce ideas off of each other, you're going to have to take calls for me, any time, day or night.
The person I have chosen is, drum roll please, Ann Perkins! Yay! Give it up for Ann! Good choice.
Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political campaign.
Ann, you beautiful tropical fish.
You're smart as a whip and you're cool under pressure.
You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands.
No, I haven't.
- You haven't? - No! You will.
You're that good of a nurse.
What about Ben? I mean, he ran for mayor at 18 and won.
Ben is poison in my campaign.
Our relationship is the reason why my advisors pulled out.
- I-- - Ann, don't listen to your head or your heart.
Just look at my eyes and say "yes.
" - Okay, yes.
- Yes! - I believe in you, Ann.
- Thank you.
And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing like one.
I don't want to have this conversation again.
Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago.
Wow.
You're doing a really bad job.
- William, Elizabeth.
- Leslie, hi.
Hi.
What are you-- Are you coming to see me? Did you hear that I'm relaunching my campaign? Actually, no, sorry.
We weren't here to see you.
We've been meeting with other potential candidates for city council.
Oh, really? So, my campaign ends and, just like that, you find someone else and run theirs? Yes, that's our job.
I know.
Good luck, but, uh, I just had a big meeting with my new advisory board, and they're brilliant and amazing.
They're real killers.
Leslie, I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.
Thank you, Andy.
I'll be right in.
Well, uh, good luck, Leslie.
Honestly.
Well, we don't need luck.
We are a rocket ship.
We are relaunching, and we're going to blast past your cann-- Huh, they're gone.
It's true--I no longer have highly-trained, professional campaign managers.
So what? Are most murders committed by highly-trained, professional assassins? No.
They're committed by friends and coworkers.
That analogy was way better in my head.
Hi.
Champion? Oh my gosh, there you are, puppy.
- That's a good boy.
- That is a three-legged dog.
His name is Champion, because he's the dog world champion.
Okay, I have to ask this, I'm sorry, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him? Three! That's what makes him the best.
He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four.
Except for digging.
He's really bad at digging.
And you remember what you said about making decisions in the house? You want to be involved.
We get that, so You just say the word, and Champion goes back to the pound, where he can be put down and killed forever.
I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death.
Yes! But I'm not gonna take care of him for you.
Well, it would be nice if you helped a little.
Because, unlike you, Andy and I have jobs.
Cruel, but fair.
So Leslie and I have come up with the theme for the campaign relaunch rally.
"The Comeback Kid.
" Everyone loves a good comeback story.
Rocky.
Robert Downey, Jr.
Terminator said, "I'll be back," and he was.
Also making a comeback-- the casual Hawaiian shirt.
Well, well, well, look, who's ahead of the curve.
I was joking.
You should soak that in bleach and burn it.
Okay, so, the rally's going to be held tomorrow at the Pawnee Sports Building.
April, you finalized a rental, right? Shut up, Ann.
I told you never to talk to me.
That was Champion.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
Bad dog! Yes, everything's fine with the rental.
Ron, you're constructing the stage? Yes, ma'am.
Leslie wanted to hire a contractor to build a stage.
I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.
Seal the edges by crimping the fork--aw, crap.
Ed! What's up, Chris? Come on in, man.
I already did.
So, uh, how you been? How are you doing? - How are you? - Great, actually.
I'm just learning how to make a "cali-zoin-za.
" Or, as you Americans like to say, calzones.
- Do you want one? - No, I find calzone fatty, and unnecessary.
So, you've hit a bit of a rough patch, and I care about you, so I just want to make sure you're doing okay.
Chris, honestly, I'm great.
I'm just exploring whatever fun activity pops into my brain.
Like, check this out.
I'm teaching myself how to do Claymation videos.
Isn't this just so cool? It is so cool! Ben is massively depressed, and he needs my help.
You look like a real campaign manager.
Oh, thanks, that's because I googled "campaign manager" and noticed that they wear a lot of dark colors.
See, there's more things to look at on the Internet - besides naked guys, Ann.
- What? I need a team update, campaign manager.
Okay.
Pistol Pete Disellio will be here in five minutes.
I still can't believe that you got him.
Ann got local hero Pistol Pete Disellio to endorse me at the rally.
In 1992, Pistol Pete's last-second dunk against Eagleton High clinched a comeback victory for the Pawnee Central drunken savages.
Team mascot later changed.
Akash, buddy, of course I came to you first.
You're the best carpet man in Pawnee.
But here's my question-- Do your carpets match your drapes? How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet.
My entire apartment is red carpet.
On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet.
Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole.
Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.
Is there even enough room for everyone? - Here, sit on my lap.
- No, that's humiliating.
Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap? No, that's Champion's spot.
He called it.
Tom, we're already late.
Now, be a man, and sit on that girl's lap.
Yes, sir.
Hi, Pete Disellio.
We can call you Pistol, right? I prefer Pete.
Oh.
Okay, got it.
I'm Leslie Knope.
We overlapped a year at Pawnee Central.
You probably remember my voice from the morning announcements.
This is my campaign manager, Ann Perkins.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Come on in.
Oh, thanks.
- I'm excited to be here.
- Ah! We're excited to have you.
Ann is killing it.
My campaign team is unstoppable.
This rally is going to be awesome.
Oh, my God, I'm feeling it! I'm gonna break dance! Leslie? Coming! Thank God.
Oh, Champion is a way better kisser than you are, babe.
- Nuh-uh! - Yes, he is.
He's even a better kisser than me.
Here, try some.
Okay, stop it.
He's drooling on me! Oh! - This is unsafe.
- Ha ha! Oh, we should do it for the kids.
Kids love it, Ron.
Just for the kids.
Hi, kids! Hey! Oh, look.
The police even love it.
They're sirening back to us.
That's awesome, I was going to tell them that we-- Heard ya, bud! And then, you come out, and you dunk the ball, and you say, "Voting for Leslie Knope is a slam dunk!" You can still dunk, right? - Oh, I can, but I won't.
- Sorry? Look, everywhere I go, everybody wants me to talk about that dunk, and that game.
It feels like I'm living in the past.
But the past is great.
The jitterbug, stagecoaches, Herman Munster.
Look, Leslie, I read up on you.
You've done great stuff for our parks system and I will happily endorse you As Peter Disellio, regional distributor for Derwin ham loafs, but if this is about who I was, or what I did when I was 17, I'm out of here.
Let's not talk about dunking anymore.
Let's talk about what you want to do.
- Okay.
- I think you want to dunk.
I'm not going to dunk the ball.
What about a layup? Officer, I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years old.
Now, I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what laws are we breaking exactly? Well, you got four people in the front seat, nobody's wearing a seat belt, you were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone, the rear of the vehicle's open, debris has been falling out, and you don't have a commercial license to drive a truck.
Okay.
Well, we have a philosophical difference on what constitutes a law.
I need to see your hands and could you step out of the vehicle, please? Hi.
I just wanted you to know we're about to be arrested.
Oh my God, April, that's horrible.
Where are you? "My mother's butt," really? That's really helpful.
Let me talk to her.
April, this is city council candidate Leslie Knope.
Do not make any trouble.
Sit tight.
I'm on my way.
- Whoa.
You just hung up on her? - She'd already hung up on me.
Okay, I'm going to go down there and get them out, because men in uniform love me.
You have to get Pistol Pete to make that shot.
Okay, but if I don't, it's no big deal, right? - You'll just make your speech? - He's our surprise headliner.
The whole town loves him.
I'm polling at 1%.
He must dunk, Ann.
Do whatever it takes.
You know, anything short of sexual favors.
- What? - I do not-- I repeat, I do not want you to tempt him with sexual favors.
- I wasn't going to.
- Good, I wouldn't either.
That's where I draw the line.
Although, I am a little offended that you wouldn't do that for me.
- Go.
- Right.
- So, BenWhy Calzone? - Glad you asked, Chris.
You know, there's fast food hamburgers.
There's fast food Mexican.
There's fast food Chinese.
Blah blah blah.
Have you ever wondered why there isn't a fast food option for Italian food? What about pizza? Pizza? Never heard of it.
That's what people will be saying in 20 years, because pizza is old news, Chris.
Pizza is your grandfather's calzone.
Never thought of it that way.
What I'm talking about is a portable, delicious meal, that is it's own container.
It's a whole new spin on Italian fast casual dining.
Amazing.
And you of all people will like this.
I'm gonna use low-fat ingredients.
Game-changer.
And I will call my new Italian fast casual eatery "The Low-cal Calzone Zone.
" That idea is literally the greatest idea I've ever heard in my life.
That idea is terrible.
Glen, you're killing me.
They broke about 50 laws, Knope.
And that girl, she tried to get that gimp dog to bite me.
Look, I could sit here and fill out all the paperwork, but you and I both know that you'd rather go home to Debra, have a nice home-cooked meal, and do what comes naturally.
That's not appropriate.
You know that I'm gonna pay all the fines.
I'm in the middle of a campaign rally, and this is my team.
- I need them, please.
- Fine.
But unless one of you has a commercial license, you can't take that truck.
It would just mean so much to us.
I mean, you're a living legend.
They still air that game every Friday night on cable access.
Yeah, well, being a living legend is sort of a double-edged sword.
Everybody in this town still calls me "Pistol.
" Tell me more about that, Peter.
I mean, yes, that dunk, it made me famous, but sometimes Sometimes life dunks you.
Hey, man, you want to go for a jog? Just, sort of, kick out the cobwebs, get some endorphins going? Oh, no, thanks, Chris.
Kind of tearing this Claymation video a new one right now.
You know, Ben, I really think you need to take a step back here.
I think getting some perspective would be good.
What are you talking about? I've known you a long time.
And, right now, you need help.
- With my Claymaish? - With your life.
You are wildly, insanely depressed.
Depressed? I'm the furthest thing from depressed.
I mean, look at what I've accomplished.
Do you see him? Do you think a depressed person could make this? No.
- That's all we can fit in here.
- No problem.
This is going to be fine.
We're all going to be fine, because the team is still together, and there's nothing the team can't do.
Wait, I think Champion has to go to the bathroom.
- Oh! He shall do it in the car! - Answer your phone, Ann.
That's what life is like in a strict Roman Catholic household.
Of course, my father, he was more stick than carrot when it came to matters of discipline.
I'm sorry, but the Ben Wyatt that I know, I just don't think he'd be happy sitting here faffing around.
I'm not faffing around.
I've sunk myself into my hobbies.
Here, I'll show you my Claymation project, okay? Now, I've been working pretty hard on this, andI think it's really good.
So just hang on to your hat, okay? Here it goes.
Oh, how great.
Stand in the place where you-- - Did you pause it? - No, I--hang on.
Stand in the place where you-- Oh, my God.
That's the whole thing.
- That's three weeks of work.
- You're gonna be okay.
No, no, no, no, I'm not.
You see, in my head, I thought that was really, really cool.
I emailed Leslie two days ago and I compared it to Avatar, Chris, and how can it not be longer? Okay, look, what you're feeling, right now is regret and shame.
Okay, no word from Ann.
April, I need a status report.
- How's it looking out there? - Perfect, but just one thing.
It's not a basketball court any more.
It's an ice skating rink.
Wait, what? Why? What happened? The stupid guy I called to book this place didn't tell me they took off the basketball floor for a hockey game.
Or maybe he did tell me, but he was so stupid and boring that I wasn't listening, and either way, it was his fault, because he was stupid and I hated him.
Ron, how's the stage coming? Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the biggest I could make it.
Oh, my God.
Good lord, what happened to the rest of my face? We had to "Jetsons" most of the poster too, but I kind of like it, 'cause windows are the eyes to the house.
Wow.
- Okay, I got Pistol Pete.
- Good, where is he? Right now, he's curled up in the back seat of my car, talking about his father, who is a piece of work.
I actually think he did the best he could for a single father, but I may be too close to the situation.
Anyway, the important news is that he's here.
Good.
Is he going to dunk for me? I'm not sure, I couldn't hear through all the crying.
- He's crying? - No, I was crying.
It's been a stressful day, and he's had a really rough life.
Oh, my God.
We should cancel it, right? Maybe we should cancel it? - Yeah.
- Jerry You were in charge of getting a crowd.
Please tell me that you pulled a Jerry, and no one's here.
Okay, well, first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that term.
But for the record, I came through.
There are almost a hundred people out there! Oh, damn it, Jerry, you just had to do your job, didn't you? Yeah, can't you do anything wrong, Jerry? I've been looking at our utter and complete lack of experience as a positive thing, but I'm starting to think it actually might be a problem.
Okay, guys, everybody listen up.
I just wanted to say thank you.
You've all volunteered your time and, no matter what, I am eternally grateful for it.
Now, I'm going to go out there, and I'm going to announce the relaunch, and I'm going to muddle through this thing as best I can.
You should all leave, and when this thing is over, I'll meet you at the nearest bar.
That would be Hurley's.
- Oh, it's karaoke tonight! - Yes! No, no, no, guys.
No.
We're not leaving, okay? We're the reason Leslie's in this mess.
It's our mess.
We're going to stay here and we're going to go out there as a team.
Or, we go as a team to Hurley's.
No, Ann's right.
We're a team.
We're all going out together.
Let's give this crowd a show.
Go, team! Get up and make it happen get on your feet Tom? Couldn't afford enough premium carpet to get us to the stage.
I mean, it was a short walk, but it was pretty luxurious, right? Okay.
Everybody smile and wave.
Get up and make it happen get on your feet Stop leaning on my arm, Andy.
I'm holding the dog.
He is peeing.
He is now peeing.
I am putting him down.
No, Ron, he only has three legs! - Get off me! - No, I'm scared! Get up and make it happen Ron? Ron? There's no stairs.
How do I get onto the stage? Oh! And take some action Get on your feet get up and make it happen get on your feet Okay.
Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Get on your feet Mm-mm.
Here you go.
Drink up, because it has every herb in my herb belt.
Oh.
Tastes like a belt.
I know, isn't it awful? But it works wonderfully.
So, tell me.
Do you admit that you're depressed? How did you know? I didn't even know.
The Letters to Cleo t-shirt, the unshaven face, the Doc Martins, and your hair does not have that normal, uptight, rigid, inflexible Ben Wyatt sense of fun.
You can't hide these things from friends.
I think I'm feeling better.
Herbal smoothie, you have done it again.
As a loyal pawneean, I've always been proud of this town, and, I, oh, um, sorry.
My cards got out of order here when they fell.
Together, we can defeat obese children.
I'm sure that was something positive, originally.
I'm sorry, okay, this is just a disaster, isn't it? This is the worst political event ever in history.
Well, um, I can assure you people in the bleachers that, if you follow my campaign, it will be interesting.
It sure will be! Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Pistol Pete, and around here, I'm a Pawnee legend! I just wanted to say that I fully endorse Leslie Knope.
She's got a great team behind her, and a vote for her is a slam dunk.
Thanks, Pistol Pete! Wow, we're so happy to have you.
Oh, hey.
There he goes.
Come on, Pete! Oh! Okay, stay still.
Stay down.
Pistol Pete, everybody.
Still got it.
- Hey.
- Hey, how was the rally? - Oh, we nailed it! - No, we didn't.
Ben, my campaign manager and I have made a decision.
We've decided to fire the campaign manager--me.
- And hire you.
- But we've talked about this.
I don't care if you're poison to my campaign.
This team has a lot of heart and zero know-how.
You're the only one that can save us.
Please be my campaign manager.
You know, Leslie, Ben's really been going through something, and he's on a journey, so I don't think he's gonna be-- I'll do it.
I'm in.
I've done enough exploring.
I'm good.
- Okay, great.
- Ann, you're fired.
Oh, thank God.
No, don't make out.
It's making Champion sad.
Surprise! We felt really bad about the whole dredging up your past just to be publically humiliated thing.
- So, cookies.
- And balloons.
Thanks, guys.
It-- that's nice.
We feel so bad.
Is there anything else we can do? You could let me take you to dinner.
Yes, Ann, yes.
You should do that.
Oh, I can't, though, because I'm married.
You're not married.
She's not married.
This is uncomfortable.