Scrubs s04e11 Episode Script

Life in a hospital is never boring.
What the hell are you guys doing? - Practising our slow motion run.
- Makes everything seem more dramatic.
You're doctors.
Doctors! - Baby.
- Go get her, Turk.
Wait.
Oh, he's slow.
Time to go see my favourite patient: Mr Gregory Marks.
He may need a new kidney, but he sure as hell doesn't need a new heart.
Hey, I bought you a present.
Oh, my God.
A journal! You seem like the kind of sensitive young buck that likes to chronicle his feelings.
I can't wait to chronicle this one.
Oh, God.
Gotta tell you, though I know you'd never take it I'd give you one of my kidneys in a second.
Oh, no, I would definitely take it.
I would take it with my bare hands.
Awesome.
Well, let me check your chart and see See if we're a match.
Please don't be a match! Blood type O.
Not a match.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm so sorry.
- Do you have chocolate cake today? - Nope.
Well, isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day.
Relax.
I never get chocolate cake.
Oh, right.
Cos you're diabetic.
You know what, Turk? If you want sympathy, get a disease people can see.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I'm just having the worst day.
It's no biggie.
Forgive and forget, right? Please get her.
I've been kicking ass, but this place is such a boys' club I can't get X-rays or tests back on time.
Hey, if you're desperate to get things done you could always do what Jordan does.
Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty.
Yeah.
Bye-bye, security guard.
- Very classy.
- Don't judge me, stick.
You do what you have to do to level the playing field.
Well, Carla and I would never behave that way.
Thank you.
How'd you get chocolate cake? Oh, I just did like this and said, "Got cake?" That's just ridiculous.
You can't just get cake by going like this: - Hello, Heather.
- You'll never guess - what I found on the computer.
- Was it a set of adult male shoulders? They had to trim 'em to get me out of that well.
- Right.
- Know Mr Marks? Said he doesn't have family to be a donor, but he's got a son.
Gotta find this guy.
There are times a man wants to keep something to himself.
Say he's got a son, or he's 29 and keeps a journal with a unicorn on the cover.
That's a horse with a sword on his head.
He guards my hopes and dreams.
If the guy didn't tell you about his son, I'm sure he had a good reason.
You get too involved in patients' lives.
And just exactly how does that usually work out for you? Eventually, someone's gonna miss me, Jerry.
Oh, God, no.
- He made me watch Everwood.
- Yeah, yeah.
Look Claudia, just promise me you won't get too involved with your patient, OK? After getting more involved, I found out Mr Marks' son was an air-traffic controller at a small private airport.
- Come on.
I don't want - Relax, would you? I'll put her on the speakerphone.
If you don't like the sound of her voice, she's history.
I'll tell you something about Wings: they really got it right.
Excuse me.
Are you Murray Marks? - I'm busy.
- You don't look busy.
Tower, this is Flight 117.
We've lost an engine.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm not busy.
- You can take that.
- No, no, no.
Let's talk.
We've lost the other engine.
- Take it! Take it! - OK.
Pull up, 117.
Pull up.
Hello? We lost 'em.
So what was your thing? Call the fire department! Nah.
That was just Mickey fooling around.
Hey.
This is a tiny airport.
We get, like, one aeroplane a day.
I'm a pretty aeroplane.
Board me.
He's a little off.
He smells like fuel.
He's an aeroplane.
- I'm not quite sure I'm getting this.
- Oh, what's not to get? Look, Dr Cox told me not to get involved.
I defied him.
And now, with your help, I'm gonna rub it in his face, OK? Now for the last time, the song goes like this: You were wrong I found his son, I found his son I found his son - Then jump out and go, "That's me!" - But wouldn't it be funnier if I came out on the second "I found your son" to get to it? That'd be funnier, but I have a question.
Who's gonna be singing the "I found his son" song? Cos it certainly won't be me, OK? Here he comes.
Dr Cox, You were wrong I found his son, I found his son That's me! - Too early? - We rehearsed this! We were on your scooter.
Reunion time.
This is gonna be great.
Murray? Before you say anything, I want you to know if you need a kidney, you can have mine.
See? For $ 70,000.
I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.
I was wondering if you could put a rush on Mr Lowenstein's urinalysis cos I've got a interview for a fellowship next year.
No.
We're done talking now.
Elliot.
We can help.
No! No! You will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator.
Don't get me wrong.
Outside the hospital with her hair up, is a slammin' hottie, but here, she's an asexual mess.
That's the natural order, and you don't mess with the natural order! Elliot, don't listen to him.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
Look, I will try anything.
I just don't want to compromise who I am.
Sweetie, you won't have to do that.
If it's something really important, you might have to sleep with someone.
That's how I hooked up with Perry.
Needed a pen.
You won't have to compromise yourself.
It's about subtlety.
It's a lingering smile, a chuckle at a bad joke.
A look in your eye that says "If you do what I want, maybe something'll happen," even though you know it never will.
If you analyse this urine sample now maybe I'll have sex with you, but probably not.
- So close.
- What's your problem with your dad? Well, for starters, he named me Murray.
That's an old man's name.
Oh, come on.
No, it isn't.
Murray! What? Everything my father's ever done was designed to humiliate me.
Murray.
- What? - What? No, the youngest Murray! I'm 68.
- Thirty-four! - Damn! You don't know what it was like having him as a father.
He had me in his shadows my whole life.
He actually sang at my senior prom.
My date threw her panties on the stage.
First and last time I saw them, by the way.
When I'm around the guy, I'm invisible.
Come on.
You're exaggerating.
Hey, good-lookin' Whatcha got cookin'? - See what I mean? - I love this song.
How's about cookin' something up with me? Thank you.
OK, I tried to get some X-rays back from a lab tech by making a kissy face.
He asked me if I had palsy.
If you want to get ahead, you have to use what God gave you.
Or in your case, what Dr Feinberg gave you.
Exactly.
I can't keep my kidney guy's son from leaving.
Elliot will help.
You can do this.
Hi.
I'm Elliot.
Hi.
I'm Murray.
Hi.
I'm Elliot.
I'm firing blanks here! These are my favourite scrubs.
Is it a bad stain? No.
That's a good stain.
A very good stain.
That's my favourite stain ever.
I did it! She has nice breasts.
- They're real.
- Yeah, right.
- They are.
- They're not.
You got cake.
They guy said they didn't have any.
Just do what I told you to do.
Sweets for the sweet.
Thank you Glen.
It doesn't matter that your father's handsome and charismatic and sings like a young Joan Baez.
He's your flesh n' blood.
You gotta step up.
You have issues with your father you're projecting onto me so why don't you go and give him a jingle? - He's dead.
- Good stuff.
- No, I'm serious.
- Classic.
- He had, like, a massive heart attack.
- I'm sorry for your loss.
- Now about the kidney - I wish I could fly my plane right now.
I like to fly it when I have to make a big decision.
Make the flesh and blood argument in a different way.
Blood and flesh, Murray.
- I'll do it.
- Jackpot.
Yawning, Glen! One for the road, Glen? Thanks.
Happy weekend.
Elliot, did you talk Franklyn into doing your patient's urinalysis before mine? No, I told him I lost my voice, and I had to whisper in his ear Like this.
- Careful, Elliot.
- Oh, come on.
What harm can come from a little flirting? I wanna see that engagement ring.
That costs $10,000.
I got 12 bucks.
- You OK? - Yeah.
Why? You have created a monster.
Elliot did a tongue-dance in Franklyn's ear - To get him to do her lab before mine.
- So she used her femininity.
The only reason you get your lab work back fast is cos you pick Franklyn to play basketball even though he always shoots his foul shots granny-style.
This is different.
Excuse me.
This is gonna cause problems.
Oh, I'll just be a sec.
Dave, can I get an orange soda? I'm so hot and thirsty.
It's on me.
I'd like an orange soda, too.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That was the last one.
How sad.
If that's the way female doctors here behave I hope the young lady I'm interviewing is different.
Either of you know where I can find Elliot Reid? "I told you so" moments are rare.
So when they come, you have to savour them.
Hey, Newbie.
The good news is that Murray and his dad are a match kidney-wise.
The better news is that the tests revealed a little secret you're gonna wanna share with your new pal.
Gregory is not Murray's biological father.
Oh, no.
By the by, this moment is so great I'd cheat on that other moment from before marry this one, and raise a family of tiny little moments.
Damn! I couldn't decide whether I should tell Murray his dad wasn't his dad.
Luckily, hospitals are full of supportive colleagues eager to help.
Go tell that little bastard this second before he coughs a kidney up to his fake father and sues this hospital! Write that down in your little unicorn book.
Actually, sir, it's a horse with a sword on his head.
You know I'm a unicorn.
Why can't you just say it? What are you going to do, son? Well, Dr Kels Well, Dr Kelso, I'm just gonna tell him.
Murray's got a good heart.
He'll do the right thing.
I'm outta here.
- Murray! - What? Not you, old Murray! OK.
I put interview guy in the lounge and told him Elliot's with a patient.
Now, how we gonna fix this thing? You're OK.
The guy wanted an orange soda, right? Bring him an orange soda, maybe the whole thing goes away.
OK.
Here's the plan.
Jordan and I will take care of interview guy.
Soft scrub, you can do whatever the hell you want.
I will.
Damn! I told you to sparkle! He says he clears his head by flying, but I went to his airport.
He doesn't have a plane there.
What should I do? Who gave you this number? Come on.
I'm really asking for your help.
Yeah, but it's very important we focus on the whole who-gave-you-this-number issue.
Fine! Maybe I got too involved, but would it kill you to acknowledge my heart is in the right place instead of berating me? You got the number from Jordan, didn't you? She hates me.
You've been great as usual.
Damn it, Murray! What corner of the sky are you and your plane hiding in? There you are.
Hey, buddy! Hey! I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor! Everything panned out for me! What an odd-sized explosion.
Your interviewer called.
He's late.
Would you take Turk somewhere for me? - Where? - Oh, the honey festival.
Oh, my God! Is that back in town? Sure is, and Turk would love to go with you.
You would? Yes.
I love large groups of white people eating pollen.
Yeah! On behalf of the festival, I'd like to thank our volunteers, our taster Elliot.
And, of course, Christopher the human honeycomb.
I thought you meant the cereal! Can I talk to you for a second? Tower, are you there? I've lost an engine.
- I'm not falling for that crap again.
- This is real.
Mickey's not here.
Oh, God, I've lost another engine.
Calm down.
You left your engines in the storage shed.
Oh, there they are.
Thanks, Murray! That's what I do.
Anyhoo, what do you think your dad is doing right now? He's not my dad.
He's my fake dad, which means what my fake cousin Samantha and I almost did in the tenth grade would've been beautiful and right.
Been there with my gram-gram.
All right, fine.
What do you think Gregory's doing right now? Probably playing his stupid guitar.
Oh, so maybe I wasn't the perfect dad.
I mean, there were the occasional missed baseball games.
And the taking of his college sweetheart to the Bahamas for two weeks without telling him.
But I still don't see why he resents me this much.
Boy, tell me about it.
You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl's name or scream in his face.
Do you want to sing about him? No, not ever.
Sometimes Cox is all over me every second of my life.
Why do you keep talking about your boss like he's your father? Remember? Recently deceased dad? - Massive heart attack.
- Yes! I mean, yes.
You do know he's not yours, don't you? - I figured it out.
- Yeah.
Mostly cos his mother was eight months pregnant when I met her - But there were other signs.
- Of course.
But his real dad was just such a jerk, we just decided not to tell him.
Right.
A boy needs a father who loves him.
You know? Yeah.
Elliot! What are you doing here? My interviewer called my cell phone.
He's been waiting to talk.
- What the hell? - Woman, I was covered in bees! Elliot, wait! You did your flirty manipulation thing in front of that guy in there and now he thinks you're this despicable floozy-ho excuse for a doctor.
Well, then I will just explain it to him.
It'll be fine.
Wait! Sir, just hear me out! Ladies, I think we've learned our lesson.
- That is not helpful, Turkelton.
- I was covered in bees! Oh, my God! He's actually giving him an orange soda.
What happened? He's gonna reconsider you.
How'd you do that? I need you to reconsider blonde doctor, and I'm gonna tell you why.
I'm the future Mr Blonde Doctor and I need this to happen so I can Hey, over here.
I need this to happen so that I can hang out around the house and, you know bake bread or gab across the fence with neighbour Marge.
Nice lady, Polish, I think.
I'm not prejudiced.
What the hell are you talking about? Here's the thing.
I need you to take this can of soda, turn, smile and give blonde doctor a big thumbs up, or I'm gonna take the same soda follow you down to the parking lot, and smash your head in with it.
We talked about your future.
I don't know if I can go through with this.
I wish there was someone to help me get through the door.
- Hey, jerkhole.
- Yeah? No, new jerkhole.
No matter what you think of that guy he always knew he wasn't your father, but he stayed in the game anyway.
So how about you get your selfish ass in there? OK.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So I've got this extra kidney I'm not using.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
You know I love you, right? Yeah, I know you do.
I love you, too, Dad.
A child arrived just the other day Dad.
He came into the world in the usual way Dad! In a hospital it's easy to take things too far.
Still, sometimes you have to go too far to see where the line is.
Please, Franklyn? Oh, OK.
Come with me, little friend.
As for me Hey, good-lookin' Maybe I got too involved with Murray and his fake real dad, but as I watched Gregory serenade a clearly uncomfortable Murray, I realised something.
Hey, sweet baby If Murray could look past his dad's imperfections and appreciate the time he'd given him maybe I owed Dr Cox a thank you for the same thing.
Hey, I just want to take a second to thank you for constantly berating me, doubting my abilities and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.
My pleasure.
Now wrap it all up with a slow motion hand wave.
Oh, I'm slow, baby.